"i`ll chain smoke my way through the gaps..

dilaudid — Fri, 02 Nov 2012 02:43:50 GMT

I don't know when I allowed myself to disconnect from this change. Did it happen slowly? Was it something that I should have seen coming all along? I am unaffected until cold, wintery nights when the roads are sheer ice and I can feel my heart beating fast in my chest. I am in a blue Jeep. Pop music is quietly playing, I can barely hear it but can still mumble along to the words if I tried hard enough. I gasp under my breath when your tires skid, you laugh like it's unbelievable for me to think something bad could happen. It wouldn't. Not with you. Knock on wood. But it's different. Different with you. Not in a bad way, in a comfortable way that I love. You know me the best but you don't acknowledge it. You are patient. New. Something that I am not used too.

I tip toe through my tricky past, and try to string together sentences to make you understand, where I have been and where I am coming from. When my brother calls my mom a cunt. When I cry to the phone to my dad.

Family. I understand the word, but don't know how to feel the warmth.

I am walking through a swarm of people that is your family and their faces are all blurring together, and your grandma wraps her tiny arms around me and tells me that I am a nice girl and that I am always welcome. I feel like I have changed. Your mom tells me she loves me. I believe her. She remembers I don't like butter on my toast, and always stocks her fridge with my favorite kind of pop for the weekend.

Friends. I understand the word, but where the fuck did they go?

dilaudid — Sat, 04 Aug 2012 05:14:43 GMT

I have been living with Tyler for three months now, I have also not smoked in three months (to the day!) I got a promotion to an Office Coordinator at my job, and I am going to do my CAIB classes in May. Might as well, right? I get to actually hire people, and do reviews and have actual responsibilities at my job now and it is REALLY FUCKING WEIRD.

Everything is going pretty good, but we have decided to find a place of our own. We gave our notice to the other roomates and now we desperately need to find a place for September 1st. It is literally all I have been thinking about and I have become such a Kijiji addict that I do not even know what to do with myself.

BUT! Tonight, we looked at a place that is just a few blocks from our current house and it is FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. The basement has wooden and rock panelling and their is a little breakfast nook that looks like you are eating in a restaurant, and it completely furnished and has the most ridiculous amount of storage and closet space ever, and words can.not.express how BADLY I want it! It is so much nicer than anything else that we have been looking for.

I mean, so nice that it coerced me into writing a blog about it with a towel on my head on a Friday night, when I probably haven't even written in here or at least three months. SO, send your good vibes my way.

Also, music suggestions. Because, fuck.

dilaudid — Mon, 07 May 2012 04:04:15 GMT

I live with my boyfriend.

dilaudid — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 21:53:55 GMT

So, it is official. I am moving in with Tyler on May 1st.

dilaudid — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 01:58:09 GMT

too lazy for friendship.

dilaudid — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 01:17:30 GMT

I finished my course at Saskatoon Business College yesterday.

dilaudid — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 01:59:33 GMT

fuck my life.

i failed my first college course.

dilaudid — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 19:20:27 GMT

I have two months left of business college. I get my marks from the previous month in the middle of November. I was in a class called PEP (Proofreading, Editing and Production.) You would go into a classroom every day and were given two or three documents (reports, memos, letters.) that you had to proofread using the correct proofreading marks, and type the letters out and have them printed off. The only catch was there was a timer going in the front of the class for 30 minutes, if you made even one mistake or missed a comma you would get a giant red line through your whole paper and you never recieved any marks for it. I wrote the final at the end of October and I am absolutely terrified that I didn’t do well, which will result in an ADDITIONAL two months of school if I fail. (Pray for me, seriously.)

My schedule this month kind of sucks. I had a class from 8:45-9:45, then an hour to kill before my next class that is also an hour, followed by a two hour lunch and then a class from 2:00-3:00. It’s only the first day and I am already sick of it and writing shitty blogs about stuff that none of you probably care about.

I’m bored. Deal with me.

Life has been really good lately. I am happy. I met a boy. It feels different, it’s good. But, in a predictable fashion, I can’t find the words to describe my own happiness. Mostly, I just want to lay in bed and watch terrible vampire dramas with him and cuddle and kiss, always.

Halloweekend treated me well. On Friday night, I went on a pubcrawl with all of my friends and my friend Kelly and I painted our faces like sugar skulls and wore a lot of lace. We made it to three bars, and I snuck a 1L of blue vex on the bus and got drunker than I should have. My boyfriend came and picked me up and we went and played “Never Have I Ever” with his friends and stopped for taquitos on the way home.

Saturday, we stayed in bed all day. I couldn’t find the motivation to do anything besides eat terrible poutine and watch even worse TV shows. When I finally decided to do something with myself, we ended up in the back of a truck headed to Warman with red party cups full of cherry rum and sprite. We went to a get together where I felt really young surrounded by married couples and marveled in the heated bathroom floors. We laughed and laughed and laughed, and snuck kisses on my smoke break in the freezing October air and in the back of the truck on the way home.

Sunday, I probably ate the best brunch that I have ever had to date and we collapsed in my bed and watched episodes of Vampire Diaries. I got a text from my friend, Ashley, at 11PM letting me know that we didn’t have school on Monday. I went to bed early regardless.

Monday, was my day off and I was growing anxious from spending so much time at home and feeling like I hadn’t really accomplished anything. I washed all of my bedding and caught up on my laundry and diary entries (that I have been neglecting!) and went to Old Navy and bought a warm sweater in preparation for the long Saskatchewan winter. I ate spaghtetti dinner with my mom and spent some quality time with my best friend, Ash, in the evening before Tyler came over again. We watched Dream House which was only okay and couldn’t fall asleep til after 2 o’clock in the morning.

I’m not complaining.

+/-

a boyfriend

dilaudid — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 19:06:20 GMT

I've been spending a lot of time with a boy named Tyler. On Saturday morning he was out of town for work, and I was at work too. After work, I was drinking with Ash and Albert and Tyrone and Albert, which turned out to be a really good night. Attic dancing, and chain smoking cigarettes and laughing with copious amounts of drinks, I pulled my ham strings from doing the center splits, and danced so hard at the Hose. Tyler was supposed to meet us, but he got distracted, and he asked if he should still come and meet me, but, a girl was trying to pick him up and stole his phone away and wouldn't give it back. I waited and waited, but eventually left the bar and went and got a hot dog. When he finally got a hold of me, I was mad and when he told me about what had happened, jealous. He came and got me at Ash's house, Kelly and I were eating hot dogs, and I was so, so drunk. He asked if I was dissapointed, I said, "yes." than I said, "I don't even know what we are doing." and he looked at me, from behind the steering wheel, and said, "I know this isn't the best time to ask..." but, "Do you want to be my girlfriend?" I said yes to that as well. So, we cuddled and talked all night, in a mess of limbs and blankets. We woke up and had breakfast with my friends, and I am happy.

dilaudid — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 19:54:46 GMT

I am still alive.

There hasn't really been much going on with me, stickin' to the daily grind of business college and working at the tall girl shop downtown. It gets exhausting, I feel like there is never going to be a moment in my life when I am actually caught up on my sleep. Sleep when you're dead?

In the last little while: My best friend came home from England baring gifts of Lucky Strikes and Banksy calendars, I have drank a lot of long island iced teas, spent a lot of time alone, bought my first pair of khaki colored pants, went for lunch with somebody that I literally only knew from twitter (and had fun!), threatened to fight somebody at a party...for the first time in my life, cried on the bathroom floor, heard the words "Savannah, I don't want to date you." (which seemed SO DUMB! because I didn't want to date him either? my emotions just got the best of me) drank $6 doubles at Scratch and blacked out completely but danced the whole night away and somehow made it "home" to cry in a friend's bed, spitting out the words, "I don't want to do this anymore", cried during 50/50 in the theater with a sweaty palm in mine, shook my head at how bad straw dogs was, laughed at Our Idiot Brother, spent two entire Sundays in bed, spent three Saturdays in a row at COUNTRY BARS, watched so many episodes of Vampire Diaries that I am embarassed to admit it, survived a big fight that I had with my best girl, met a boy that wants to spend time with me and hold my hand and kiss my neck and get drunk and talk and watch tv and eat candy corn in bed and cuddle me while i fall asleep, and my mom calls him a "keeper", starved myself to eat TWO seperate turkey dinners, got a 96 percent on my Simply Accounting final, just barely passed my Records Management final, built spaghetti and marshmellow towers with my co-workers at the worst staff meeting I ever had to attend, got a 50 cent raise!, moved my TV into my bedroom, got a UTI, made out on my mom's couch, hiked up and down the hills and through the trees of "Mexico", put so many kilometers on my car, mailed out mix cds, cleaned my closet, i have kept an ACTUAL diary for 3 months straight (writing every single day.) and I don't know how to fill in the blanks for the internet.

just know that i am happy, ok?
for now at least

dilaudid — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 23:14:10 GMT

dating.

dilaudid — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 22:17:02 GMT

I have a UTI and I want to scream.

dilaudid — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 12:22:42 GMT

the only good part about straw dogs was your company and sweaty palm in mine. when you drop me off i say, "i will miss you." and i mean it.

dilaudid — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 06:29:15 GMT

bromley hand.

dilaudid — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 01:59:03 GMT

what ya doing?
straightening your hair twenty-five hours in advance.

OH OK.

dilaudid — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 01:21:57 GMT

all i care about why am i not eating chips and what to wear to the movies on thursday lol

it's 2 a.m.

dilaudid — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 14:46:13 GMT

and i have a thirteen hour day tomorrow. today? fuck.

+
i have had a really good week, that has included: bike rides and sleepovers and chicken wings at the crazy cactus, and a trip to the beach and so many great people and great conversations, and i have just been having a really awesome time. and i have been sober! (admittedly, because of the medication. but it feels good.)

today i got a really good mark (97%) on my debate in communications class, and i came home and made three different mix cds and cover art for some friends that i miss!! and one for my car, it was a nice, chill night alone and i haven’t had one alone in so long.

-

but then, weird vibes. i like, went on this fucking blind date at ten o’clock, and can i just say, “what the fuck happened?” because, i legit have no idea? boys are so..weird? like, i can’t even with this right now. i should be asleep but, my mind is boggled. i don’t know what to do with myself?

this is my last friday off school. (two months went by pretty fast?) my great grandma passed away with pnuemonia in both of her lungs on monday evening, and i have to go to her funeral on friday. (i am not trying to shy away from her death, i just feel weird talking about it on the internet)

i am coming home that afternoon (and good lord, plant a 26 firmly in my hands.) because, ash is leaving me for 3 weeks to go to england and i have no idea what i am going to do with myself.

aaand, finals start tuesday.

dilaudid — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 02:29:01 GMT

last night my phone may have ended up in a toilet by mistake, and i might have walked down the street carrying it in a bag of rice, and when boys yelled out their car windows that they thought i was cute and that they liked my legs, i might have yelled, ” BUT, DO YOU LIKE MY RICE?” right back. my dad had to come and get me and i cried in the passenger seat about my ex boyfriend and all the boys i have tried to replace him with.

i feel really cool today in case you’re wondering.

dilaudid — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 15:14:14 GMT

There is so much that I could say. But, alas! I am in class, so I will just say that I kissed a fellow pisces on a silver car like it was a White Snake video. And in an effort to find my best friend (and a hot dog.) I ended up in a park at 4 o'clock in the morning after watching a boy get beat up by a girl on a porch, and kissed on the grass and watched the sun rise*

*it rained.

dilaudid — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 06:14:49 GMT

today i:

i. told off a man on the bus.
ii. saw super 8

dilaudid — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 01:54:18 GMT

LOL 2005.

august 1st

dilaudid — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 01:20:54 GMT

2010: a camping trip with my ex-boyfriend and all my close friends
2009: i met my ex-boyfriend.
2008: i got a wisdom tooth pulled.
2007: watched 7 consecutive episodes of dawson's creek in an effort to nurse a hangover.
2006: drunk bike ride's with ash.
2005: mario kart with bob and his brothers.
2004: fighting with chelsy.
2003: emo haircut.

dilaudid — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 09:33:19 GMT

Thursday morning? I fucking aced an accounting exam. Wasn't sure how I would do, but spent the majority of the week locked up in my room reading and writing numbers until my eyes were about to bleed. There was a possibility of 4/6 things that were going to be on the final. I didn't bother studying general journals and thought that I could wing it because we spent so much time on them, but started to doubt myself. Also, I started overthinking Accounts Receivable and Accounts Payable Ledgers before the exam and mixed myself up. But, the four topics that were on the exam turned out to be the ones that I knew inside and out and I was so frickin' happy about it. I left the final feeling fucking amazing. I had to go and pick Tyrone up from oral surgery. He was a mess and fucked on valium and bleeding all over shopper's drug mart. I had some laughs at his expense, but he healed really well so I am glad. After we got his perscription filled Kelly and I went to Park Cafe. I got a park burger, it was amazing. We left and spent so much time in my car that I wanted to perish while running errands. We went to Blondo's and got haircuts. It was my first time there. My change is subtle but I got a lot of layers, and it is so much lighter and more amazing. So, I am happy with it. We came back to her place and I fucked around and did my make up before walking to work. I worked a four hour shift with Ashley. It was so dead because it was the long weekend and because the Fringe was starting. Ashley showed me an amazing song that I can't get out of my head. (Gotye - Somebody that I used to know.) I walked back to 6th after work and got drunk of palm bay's. We just sat on the porch talking shit, nothing new. Decided that we would walk to Scratch. Wasn't really feeling it to be honest. But! I ran into Jared and Megan on the way to the bar, and ditched my friends and hung out with them. I finished my palm bay's under a tree and shared with Jared and we decided to go to the Hose. We went dancing, and it was SO much fun. I haven't hung out with either of them in a really long time, and I had a blast. We were doing tequila shots and Jared bought me a smirnoff ice. I dropped it on the ground, and this one bald guy kept slipping on it. Also, Jared requested Spice Girls. I danced so hard. When the night was over, I walked back to 6th and drunkingly crawled to Ash's room.

I had to work at 10 on Friday, I picked up an extra shift. I worked with Terry and Mary. It was so fucking slow. We didn't sell anything. No one was coming into the store at all. The whole day dragged on with my sugar headache. I got my clothing allowance and free pizza from Amber. I got a purple &grey dress, a long, grey silk top, a white chiffon top, a pair of black dress pants and a black cardigan and a little black belt with a bow on it. I walked back to Ash's and got my car, but, I was fucking dead. I was going to go home and have a nap and then hang out and have a laptop party with him later, but, fuck. I had no motivation and he ended up going partying at Ben's. I stayed home and was in a bad mood. I watched some Modern Family and shit. I think I went to bed early.

On Saturday I worked at 11. I worked with Kristen and Amber. It was steady, but nothing too great. Still bored. I fucked around a lot. Didn't feel like working. Not used to working three days a week (lol) After work I walked to get my car on Broadway. I went and say hi to Ash, he was playing video games. He wasn't in party mood, not feeling too good. I was trying to convince him but he was annoying me. I went home and laid in bed on the internet, and Jared and Megan called me and told me to go to Broadway, so I dd. I looked pretty fucking ugly, but I don't care. I showed up at Ash's and damn near chugged a mickey on his bed and was derping around and getting drunk so fast, he was still playing video games. I went and met Tyrone and Sarah in an alley. They had a mailbox? Idon't even. We met Megan by The Hose. We went in and were dancing for a little bit, but someone lit off a stink bomb? We left. I was bombed. We sat on a curb and talked shit about horizotal and vertical stripes to strangers. I called some dude from POF. I don't remember what I said. It was probably pretty bad. I know I asked him if he likes pussy and trail mix. I never know what I'm fucking doing. I walked Megan to her bike, felt so fucking sick. Projectile'd a fucking corn dog into Ash's toilet until five o'clock in the morning and wanted to kill myself.

We woke liup at 2 today. I got Mcdonald's and came home and fucked around. I cleaned my room from top to bottom and did all my laundry. It felt amazing. Fresh starts. It smells amazing in here. I drove back over to Ash's. (What the fuck?) Tyrone, Ash and I went to Superstore. Got nothing. Went to Wal-mart and looked at curtains forever. I bought underwear and pop and ritz crackers? We got ice cream. I felt lazy and was trying to decided if I wanted to go out. My laptop was there. We literally sat on our laptops for a million hours doing nothing. Listening to music on the porch. I watched True Blood, and left at like 3a.m. Which bring me to this moment in time. This isn't interesting at all. So sorry. Bored.

dilaudid — Sat, 30 Jul 2011 02:07:08 GMT

"space."

dilaudid — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 14:21:15 GMT

I want to be more than a guest star.