if one day the trees could speak

life update

2011-08-14T12:29:22Z

So; this is an update on my condition, just so everyone is aware of what's happening!

I am (apparently) suffering from some pretty damn severe anxiety. I'm not sure where it came from or what triggered it, but starting from about noon on the 13th and ending just now, I've been having on/off panic attacks (four major ones, with tons of little ones in between), where my brain just decides to try and shut off; I got extremely dizzy and lightheaded, I was scared of everything for no reason at all (sometimes I didn't even know why I was scared, I just was), my chest felt like it was filled with water, I had chills, I was shaking like a leaf in a tornado, and I constantly felt like I was going to puke. I was so confused by everything, and nothing was helping, and everytime I tried to convince myself to calm down and that I'll be okay, I began to get physical -- I started raising my voice at myself and rocking my chair and tearing at the chair's arms, and I think I punched the car once. I don't really remember. I was afraid of falling asleep, because I felt like I was going to die if I did (but I've gotten sleep since then, don't worry!), and I'm not sure why, but the only thing that got me to calm down and feel normal again was taking a walk or doing something really physical and that takes my mind off of things. I walked for miles over the past few days, I played with one of Rooj's big dogs, and as long as I was moving vigorously and distracted enough, my mind was taken off of it.
The instant I stopped, it all came right back. I had to start pacing around the room and the house and on the porch to fend it off, and even though I was dead tired, I had walked around town a couple times.

So that is what happened!

Since then, I've been to the emergency room -- they had me hooked up to some kind of monitor for a while, and I'm physically healthy. A lot healthier than me and my mom expected, even! I've got a perfect blood pressure and heart rate for someone my age and height, and we both thought for sure it'd be worse. XD
They gave me something heavy to help me sleep, and I slept for a long time. I woke up once in a while, but otherwise I slept just fine.

And I know what to do if I start panicking again, so no worries about that, either!

I might be gone on monday since mom is taking me to the doctor to get a prescription for this, and hopefully it'll help and I'll be able to return to my games, fff. As it is, drawing is a hassle. XD;

dickfires @ 2011-07-18T05:58:00

2011-07-18T12:59:12Z

Just

Making a list of things I plan on drawing. Just to give myself something to do to get my mind off of how scared I am rn.

AKA Tora finally gets the gumption and a reason to use her journal.

Canon/random/game stuff:

*SOMETHING FOR MANA. idek what but this kind of needs to be top priority since she got me those paids.
*More amazing things for Takato because she continues to make me cry legit tears of joy. Idk; I feel like making me actually cry out of happiness is a good reason to draw someone something, don't you think? :I
*more soul. always soul.
*more route/vat. always route/vat.
*PIP?!? I THINK I SHOULD DRAW PIP.
*AS A MEISTER
*WITH A SYMMETRICAL LITTLE PET OUTFIT
*LIKE A BANDANA OR SOMETHING
*more maka?? like forever maka?? why do I like drawing her I suck at drawing her
*TEAM B SHIT except kilik and ox their hair makes me cry just thinking about how hard it must be to draw.
*Soul's pokemon team. Like. For real this time, no random shit doodles on paper. I need to legit draw his team. B|
*Maybe Jade's, too? I should draw more Jade in general.
*MORE OGRE. ALWAYS OGRE.

AU stuff:
uh why am I even doing this it's obvious
MINDFUCKSTUCK STUFF
MARRIAGE STUFF
that is all yep
wait no need to draw weapon maka since I drew meister soul 8I
except now I'm also getting the urge to draw some SE mermaids. ooooooookay, self.

a bloo bloo bloo

2011-03-23T02:20:46Z

Look at me, trying to make this damn thing look serious.

All YES. THIS IS MY JOURNAL.

IT IS CALLED DICKFIRES.

But yeah whatever. HI GUYS.