Dimensions of Dhvana

dhvana @ 2010-04-21T18:19:00

2010-04-22T00:19:44Z

Man, I am going to be laughing at this for AGES. We've got a buffalo hanging out on the lawn--nothing unsual there. One of our maintenance guys is from Florida so this whole wildlife roaming free thing is new to him. Of course, he wanted a picture of himself standing behind the buffalo. He took the long way around the buffalo but with me standing on one side with the camera (behind the railing on the porch of a cabin--I'm not stupid) and Florida standing not far enough behind him on the other side, you can imagine how quickly the buffalo felt threatened. That animal stood up and lunged at Florida--I swear, that man has never moved so fast in his life. The buffalo was only warning him off--didn't intend to go after him, but from the way Florida ran, you'd have thought it was a whole herd after him. Once I saw the buff was leaving him alone, I started cracking up. I mean, I've heard about buffalo doing that--I've seen one do it to a calf who was being too much of a pest--but to see him do it to this man I absolutely LOATHE...it was just the highlight of my whole damn week. I am seriously going to be laughing at this for days.

dhvana @ 2010-04-13T13:31:00

2010-04-13T19:31:14Z

Eight inches. And counting. (And oh, how I wish I was talking about something other than snow accumulation.)

dhvana @ 2010-04-12T19:15:00

2010-04-13T01:15:22Z

It's been a week or so since I've updated. In that time, most of our snow has melted (unfortunately, we can get anywhere from 4 to 8 inches within the next twenty-four hours, damnit), our caretaker saw the first bear of the season this morning walking around with her cub (awww....), our head of maintenance arrived--and then quit (grrr...), my poor snowman wasted away into nothing, and I bought a new computer. Which means the big news is the computer. I'd been having issues with my old one--the night before I bought the new one, I had to manually reboot it three times in as many hours, and the keys were becoming obsolete--so annoying. So, I drove three hours to the nearest major city just to get some hands-on experience and ended up walking out of the Best Buy with a new computer. It's a Toshiba A505 with Windows 7 and Satellite wifi which has turned out to be a godsend because I can now watch all my telly here in my room instead of having to go to Cody every week and fast-forward through my shows in order to catch up. That makes me so ridiculously happy. This computer's going to take some getting used to but so far I think I'm enjoying it.

So, yeah, that's about it. Nothing really interesting to report. Oh, but I did see actual bluebirds yesterday morning. I'd never seen real bluebirds before. They were just the most beautiful blue--I wish I'd had my camera. I didn't know birds that blue were real, certainly not in this part of the world, or outside of a Disney cartoon circling peoples' heads.

(The icon--totally referring to the threat of more snow. Yeah, I'm over it. I want it to be spring and I want it to be spring now--and not Wyoming spring where we still get snow once a week but real spring with warm weather and budding trees and new grass and flowers.)

Perceptions (The Vampire Diaries, 1/1)

2010-04-01T22:25:07Z

Title: Perceptions
Fandom: The Vampire Diaries
Author: Dhvana
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: possible Damon/Stefan unrequited, mention of Damon/OMC
Word Count: ~2600
Summary: An encounter in New York City in the 1920s.
Warnings: mention of violence
A/N: I’ve actually been working on this for over a month, trying to figure out just what felt wrong about it and tweaking things left and right. I think I’ve finally finished tweaking.

Perceptions

The opera had held little fascination for Stefan when he was human. Flights of fancy, the drama of life and death, tales of great romances found and lost—none of these had appealed to him. He’d preferred the cold hard facts of science, math, politics, economics, history (though facts and history weren’t always to be found in the same place). He thought it more sensible to expend his energies on something tangible. Damon, on the other hand, adored the made-up world. The real world was never good enough for him, never held enough charm or adventure to hold his attention. He wanted to hear tales of heroes and heroines, of loves fought for and won, of the righteous conquering over evil. Stefan had always been the one grounded in reality while Damon had always sought something more.

Therefore, it should have come as no surprise to Stefan that their paths crossed for the first time in almost a decade at the Metropolitan Opera House.

Stefan had decided that, seeing as how he was going to be around for a while, he should attempt to develop an appreciation for the arts as a source of entertainment for his eternity. He’d taken to studying those few luxuries of civilization which would last throughout the ages, the same ones he had so deftly avoided in his youth: painting, dance, music, literature, but he did so using only what little means he had at his disposal. He was going through a period in his existence when he refused to use his abilities to give himself any sort of financial advantage, but instead was attempting to earn a living as a law clerk. This was why he was sitting in one of the cheapest seats in the highest balcony when his eyes fell upon his brother. If it hadn’t been for his enhanced vision, he wouldn’t have seen him—he wouldn’t have even been able to see the stage—but there Damon was, sitting in a private box, blending in with the opera’s glittering patrons.

Shifting irritably in his rather confined chair, Stefan’s first thoughts were to question how Damon managed to connive his way into gaining such a privileged view. How had he become part of New York’s elite? Or perhaps, more importantly, who had he killed to get there? Stefan then scolded himself for even wondering, knowing if he lingered on the subject of his brother for too long, he’d be distracted throughout the entire evening. They had managed to successfully avoid each other for so many years; what was another night? And after spending weeks saving up the money to purchase this seat, he made a promise to ignore Damon and enjoy himself at all costs. Stefan attempted to push him from his mind and focus on the stage, and yet, no matter how many times he tried to lose himself in the performance, he found his eyes were drawn again and again to his brother.

Stefan had arrived at the opera dressed in his best set of clothes with sleeves that were frayed around the edges and shoes that were beginning to grow thin at the heel, but while his appearance was slightly shabby, he still maintained the semblance of respectability. Damon, on the other hand, was resplendent in his tuxedo, tails perfectly tailored, shirt gleaming white in the dim lights of the theatre, the slight wave to his hair arranged as a perfect frame around his face. The box’s other inhabitants were no less brilliant, and some of them quite famous for the time, but it was Damon who captured and held Stefan’s attention. For once, it appeared as though his brother had dropped the mask of indifference he normally wore and allowed himself to become enraptured by the events occurring on the stage.

The opera was Turandot, a better than average performance, but Stefan had seen even more magnificent productions in Europe. Still, even he could not deny the power of the tenor’s voice on ‘Nessun Dorma’. His heart felt like it was going to burst as the final note filled the auditorium, but it wasn’t the singer who brought out such emotion in him. It was the naked vulnerability in Damon’s eyes as his pale hands clutched the edge of the box. For a few brief seconds, a time that passed so quickly he could later fool himself into believing it had never happened, Stefan saw what his brother looked like when he was heartbroken and in love, and it left him breathless. In that moment, he wanted to grab his brother, hold onto him, and never let go.

And then the audience rose to its feet with thunderous applause and the spell was broken.

Abandoning all pretence of trying to watch the opera, Stefan kept an eye on his brother for the rest of the performance. He was astonished to witness time and time again Damon reacting to the singers on the stage, particularly to the talented young tenor. It was as if life had returned to his brother’s features and Stefan was reminded of the passionate man he used to know.

When the opera was over, the curtain fell over both the stage and Damon’s face. As the audience began to stir, Damon dismissed himself from his companions with his usual rakish grin and fled from the box. Stefan might have thought his brother overwhelmed by this unusual show of emotion and was trying to escape the scene, but then he caught the look Damon sent the stage. It was one of anger, humiliation, vengeance. The tenor had caused Damon to reveal a weakness and now his brother was going to make sure the one who had done this was never able to do so again.

Stefan almost sighed. Would it be so difficult for Damon to just once let things go? Did he always have to be the one in charge, the one in control? Couldn’t he just let this one pass?

But then he wouldn’t be Damon.

Stefan slipped towards the stage through the crowd of people pushing against each other over in their rush to get out of the theatre and on to the rest of their evening. He was up the stairs and behind the curtains before anyone could see him, emerging into the chaos of the end of the night, of stage hands making sure all the various props and settings were put away and ready for the next performance, of performers proclaiming how wonderful they all had been while altering their appearances from their characters to themselves. An immediate glance failed to reveal any sign of Damon, but then the starring tenor would most likely not be in attendance with the regular cast. Instead, Stefan sought out the rooms lining the back hallway and used his preternatural hearing to decide which room would most likely hold Damon. Hoping he was right, that the door with the least amount of commotion would be the correct one, he quickly stepped into the room, closing the door behind him.

Damon was already there, his arms around the man’s body, his face buried in the exposed neck.

“Damon, no!”

Both men turned to him, the tenor clearly startled, Damon just arching a wary eyebrow.

“I thought I heard you skulking about, little brother,” he said, his voice smug as Stefan pushed him away from his victim.

Only, there were no visible marks on the man’s neck. Stefan took hold of the tenor’s face, turning his head so he could see the other side of his neck. Again, the skin was perfectly smooth.

The tenor protested and tried to push Stefan away. Stefan just ignored him and turned to face his brother. “What’s going on here?”

“Why, whatever do you mean?” Damon asked, wrapping an arm around the human’s waist and pulling him close. “I was simply down here congratulating Michael on yet another inspirational performance.” Stefan watched in horror as they exchanged a quick, familiar kiss.

“Congratulating him on his performance,” Stefan repeated, eyes narrowing as the tenor’s hands moved adoringly over his brother’s lithe body as if they had every right to be there. “Damon, what are you up to?”

Damon took the wandering hands in his own and gave each palm a tender kiss. Something in Stefan’s stomach twisted and he had to look away.

“Give me a moment, my love,” Damon said softly. “It seems I need to clarify for my brother some of misconceptions he has about us.”

Stefan glanced back in time to see them share a loving kiss, again a sharp pain hitting his stomach, and then a vice-like grip had hold of his arm and Damon was dragging him out of the backstage area and through a door into the alley. He was barely fast enough to brace himself as his brother shoved him into the brick wall across the way, turning around to find Damon glaring at him, clearly angry but also, almost, a little confused.

“What right do you have to come barging into my life after all these years and even pretend to have any understanding of who I am?”

“I know exactly who you are,” Stefan snarled, though growing in the back of his mind was a tiny seed of doubt. What if…what if there was nothing malevolent going on here? What if Damon actually cared for this man? Was it possible his brother had changed? “You’re a killer.”

“I know,” Damon said with a roll of his eyes, “but does that mean I have to kill everyone I come in contact with? Am I walking through the streets of New York leaving a trail of bodies behind me? Is every member of that audience alive and well? Every member of the cast and crew? Yes. So what, exactly, is it you’re accusing me of? Because, so far as I can see, you have no evidence that doesn’t revolve around your own personal hatred of me and you’re unwavering belief that I can do no good.”

“It’s enough,” Stefan snapped, though his voice lacked the conviction it usually held when confronting him.

“Maybe…” Damon began, stepping forward with a particularly malicious twist to his smile, “maybe it has nothing to do with me at all. Maybe this is all about you.”

“Get away from me,” he growled, but his brother already had him trapped against the wall, hands on either side of his head.

“We’re not through talking yet,” Damon said, his voice the dark growl Stefan had come to expect but surprised him into stillness. “I’m beginning to think, little brother, that what offends you most is that I’ve not lowered myself to your expectations. You don’t know how to think of me except as a monster. You see me acting towards someone, a human, no less, with feelings of affection, consideration, love—”

“That’s not love,” Stefan snarled, finding the strength to push his brother away. “You’re not capable of love, not anymore.”

Damon’s eyes lit up and he laughed, taking Stefan in his arms and swinging turning them in a circle, as if in a dance. “That’s it, isn’t it?” His brother released him and Stefan stumbled away only to have Damon stalk him down the alley. “You think I might actually love this human—this man—and it just galls at you. You’re right, Stefan,” he said and before Stefan could blink, Damon was there, holding him as tenderly as he would a lover, “I don’t love him. He’s a toy, nothing more. He makes me feel, for a little while, and for that I treasure and despise him, but you,” Stefan froze to feel Damon’s breath cross his neck, “you, little brother, are mine for eternity, and no mere mortal will ever take your place.”

He trembled slightly as Damon’s lips seemed to hover above his own, and then he was flying across the alley, his head hitting the bricks with a sharp crack before he slid to the dirty ground. Damon’s eyes flashed as he looked down on Stefan.

“An eternal thorn in my side,” he spat. “A rock in my shoe. An itch, just under my skin. Yes, Stefan, you’re mine to loathe for all eternity, and you’ll never be anything else.”

With a final disgusted glare, Damon disappeared back into the theatre. Stefan stayed in the alleyway for several minutes, shivering with emotions he couldn’t control, couldn’t even begin to categorize. Blinking back moisture from his eyes, he fumbled to his feet, his head held low, and shuffled his way back to the dingy rooms he called home.

As he lay in bed staring at the ceiling, he had to wonder just how long it would be before he stopped blaming himself for what had happened to Katherine, how long before he stopped holding himself responsible for destroying the last shred of good left in his brother. Katherine…in the end, there was much she had to be held accountable for, but he willingly shared the blame. She was a selfish greedy girl who had taken advantage of both his and Damon’s affections without any regard for either of them. If she had just chosen one and left the other alone, if she hadn’t changed them both, maybe things would have been different. But Katherine was gone and Damon had only him left as a target for his broken heart.

The tragedy of it was, he still loved his brother, would do anything for him. He knew it was futile, but for a brief second tonight, when Damon had held him so close and called him his, Stefan had almost dared to think that maybe his brother’s heart had thawed, just a little bit. As always when it came to Damon, he remained a fool.

Stefan woke the next morning determined to leave New York, maybe go back down to Virginia or perhaps strike out on a path to the untamed west. Anything, so he was no longer in the same city as his brother.

Walking down the street, his hands shoved deep in his pockets, he was so lost in his plans he almost missed the headline on the morning paper.

“Opera’s Rising Star Murdered!”

There on the front page was a picture of the tenor, Damon’s tenor.

Even though he knew what he would find, Stefan bought a copy and quickly skimmed through the article. There were some gory details, some idle speculation that he easily dismissed, but the basics were clear. The singer had been found late last night on the floor of his dressing room by a crew member. It appeared he had died from a broken neck.

Crumpling the paper in his hands, Stefan tried to force down the guilt that threatened to choke him—it wasn’t his fault, he hadn’t been the one to kill him, Damon, Damon was to blame. But he knew, he knew, that if he hadn’t provoked his brother, the singer might still be alive.

“God damn you, Damon,” he whispered under his breath and practically ran back to his apartment. There was no point in delaying it any longer. He had to leave town. He couldn’t stay here another second.

Stefan threw his meager belongings into a valise and with one hand on the doorknob, took a last look around. A spot of color caught his eye and he slowly edged toward the bed. There, lying on his pillow, was a single yellow carnation, a symbol of disappointment and rejection, disdain. Stefan snatched up the flower and ripped off its petals before throwing it to the floor. He could almost hear his brother’s mocking laughter as he stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

[March 3 & 30, 2010]

dhvana @ 2010-03-30T12:30:00

2010-03-30T18:30:22Z

My day...(Not to mention, it's snowed several inches more since I took this picture and it's still coming down hard.)

dhvana @ 2010-03-29T23:03:00

2010-03-30T05:04:12Z

My absolute most favorite person in the entire world is my sister. She's two years younger than I am, she's got more mysterious medical ailments that consistently have the doctors stumped, she's got anxiety issues, she works forty hours a week while going to school full time and basically has enough stress in her life due to all of the above (except the age thing--that's my stress because I can't picture her being thirty) that she really doesn't need any more.

So this is part of the reason why my protective instincts are rearing their ugly heads and all I want to do is fly down to New Mexico and beat the ever loving shit out of people.

My sister is a paralegal in a public defender's office that is suffering from government imposed furloughs/hiring freezes/wage freezes--so not only do they have to defend people who really just aren't the cream of society, office morale is in the pits. In addition to all this, my sister has to deal with the lazy bitches in her office who have it in for her. My sister is an extremely hard working person--she'd have to be in order to balance two full schedules of classes and work and still maintain an 'A' average. She gets her work done quickly, efficiently, and she does it well. She is constantly being assigned extra jobs that they would normally hire other people to do because they know she can get it done and the attorneys fight to have her as their paralegal. As you can imagine, this creates some resentment amongst the other paralegals who have been there much longer and get a whole lot less done. Lately, they've gone out of their way to make complaints against her (complaints that go in her record), schedule her to cover shifts during her class times (and then get pissy when she complains to their superiors), and just today decided to use her new car as an ashtray.

My sister does not need this kind of bullshit stress in her life and I'd very much like to go down there and inform each of them of this. Nicely, of course. With a goddamn phaser set just above 'stun'. Or a team of mercenaries to back me up. Or hell, if I could afford it, my own legal team to sue the fucking pants off of the whole department. This is just not normal adult behavior (or so I'd hope but I currently have very little faith in humanity).

This kind of crap just drives me crazy. And I still want to beat the ever loving shit out of them for messing with my sister.

Yeah, I'm gonna be a great manager.

dhvana @ 2010-03-29T20:31:00

2010-03-30T02:31:10Z

Started learning the reservations system today--this is going to be a lot of detail work that I'm most likely going to screw up quite a bit until I get used to it, especially since season hasn't really started yet so we're not getting enough volume that the reservations require daily attention. But at least I'm starting on something new. My brain was beginning to liquify.

We're waiting to see if this big storm hits us or not. They're predicting at least a foot of snow (or more) over the next few days, but since I'm in an area that doesn't really apply to any forecasts, it'll either happen or it won't. I'm kinda hoping it won't. I don't especially want to be snowbound for the rest of the week.

And now for something completely different--my boss was chased around his truck this morning by a moose. The image of that is going to make me laugh for a long time.

dhvana @ 2010-03-27T21:57:00

2010-03-28T03:57:27Z

Today was my weekly trip to town over the snowy mountains (another six inches last night though it's mostly melted now) through the fields of the undead roadkill (damn deer) and into Cody, where I'm sure you don't even need two hands to count the number of stoplights. And that's about it. Made the Wal-mart run, had lunch with a friend, visited the local coffee shop and abused their free Wifi--the usual.

Looks like it's about time to get a new computer--I have to manually turn it off and restart it more than I should and my keyboard is starting to give out from over-use (I'm having to fight with my shift key to get it to work). Maybe I'll have saved enough by the end of summer to do that.

Also, I just want to note here that Hawaiian pizza is one of the best pizzas to eat cold--the pineapple adds the necessary moisture to balance out the dryness of the crust. It's almost as good cold as it is fresh.

And let me just be a poor sport here and say HA!!!!!!!!!!!! to the K-State Wildcats for blowing it in today's game and not proceeding any further in the finals. Now they just have to sit at home and watch like my poor Jayhawks.

dhvana @ 2010-03-26T12:39:00

2010-03-26T18:39:05Z

We got about four inches of snow last night, finally giving me an excuse to dig out the snow boots I bought down in Florida (that's right, snow boots in Florida--you can imagine how great they are). Of course, last I looked it was already up to 38 degrees out so it'll probably melt pretty quick. Too bad it's just the powdery stuff--I haven't made a snowman in years and powder just doesn't pack well.

Woke up early this morning with this weird pain in my neck just under my jaw. I figure I probably slept wrong and strained/pulled a muscle (either that, or I need to see a dentist). It's really tender and very annoying, especially when I try to turn my head. Had me searching through symptoms on WebMD at four in the morning. I'm so glad we're finally working towards affordable health care so I can visit a doctor with problems like this as opposed to just toughing it out. I still have to wait a few years before it all goes into effect, but it'll be better than nothing (which is what I have now).

*steps on soapbox*

Feeling somewhat under the weather, I just had to mention my stand on health care on Facebook because I have this uber-conservative republican 'friend' on there (we met in elementary school but grew apart in high school) and she was making nasty comments about health care the other day and it just ticked me off. She's got kids. If her job didn't provide health insurance, I'd sure as hell hope she'd want to get some that didn't cost an arm and a leg, but because she's provided for, she can't look at it from anyone else's point of view. There are 50 million people out there who do not have health insurance because they can't afford it and their jobs don't provide it. Why do these ignorant asshole politicians/republicans think we shouldn't be allowed to pay a reasonable price to see a doctor? (Of course, free health care would be better, but I know not to press my luck.) I just don't understand how they can say they're looking out for the people by trying to keep goverment out of it when it's the people they're more than happy to see remain sick and poor and all the government is trying to do is keep us alive. (Okay, that's ridiculously simplified but it'll have to do.)

*steps off soapbox*

So yeah, that's my day so far. Snow. Tired. Sore. Slightly feverish. And aching to go into town--I've been thinking about this all week, to the point where I believed I was a day ahead for two days straight (it's finally Friday, right? good). I think I'm suffering from cabin fever, and March isn't even over yet. It's probably because the hiring is just about done and I can't wait to get started on something new.

dhvana @ 2010-03-25T18:31:00

2010-03-26T00:31:45Z

Ah, yes, another day when I did not get eaten by a bear. My boss warned me yesterday that I should be careful even if I am walking on the road because the bears are starting to wake up (plus, I wear headphones, so hearing them would be something of a difficulty). She said I should be able to smell them, too--apparently bears smell like very bad wet dog. But because she mentioned it, I spent my entire walk today seeing bears out of the corners of my eyes.

The day started out so lovely--now it's cold and snowy. Still lovely, just not as inviting as 40s and sunny. I started cleaning my future room so I could get the rest of my stuff out of my car. The man who had the room before me was last year's maintenance man. The guy did more damage than good to this whole place so it shouldn't have surprised me that his room was filthy. He didn't clean once the entire time he was here last year. I had to empty out the vacuum twice just to get all the dirt off the floor. I still need to go in and wash down the walls and the blinds. I'm almost afraid of the bathroom. It's just so horribly nasty. But once I'm done, I'm going to enjoy it. There's a lot more space, and I can even have my Wii in there without bumping into anything.

I have to admit, it was nice to not spend the whole day on the phone. That gets really tiresome after a while.

dhvana @ 2010-03-24T15:44:00

2010-03-24T21:45:01Z

So I was on my walk today and this rather creepy instrumental piece came up on my ipod (I put a mix of fast-moving upbeat songs and instrumentals on there so I can vary my pace). It was unnerving because, at that time, I hadn't been passed by any cars (I usually see three or four optimistic souls who think the road to the Park will be open just for them even though it doesn't actually open till May) and I was walking by a local ski run where the two lifts were just sitting there, unmoving, the chairs hanging empty along the mountainside. There were no signs of human activity--there was even a car left empty by the side of the road (I'm assuming it belonged to some hikers). It was extremely easy for me to believe I was in some sort of post-apocalyptic world where I was the only one left (this feeling enhanced by the music). Like I said, unnerving. But it was a beautiful day for a walk--the sun was shining, the slight breeze was only mildly artic, I even saw a couple deer making their way across a ridge. It's nice that the snow breaks out and then vanishes again so quickly, leaving behind only the old snow from earlier in the year that has yet to melt. It really is gorgeous out here--I walk the same path every day (mainly because the bears are starting to wake up so I try to stay out of unpopulated areas and the woods) and I don't think I'll ever get tired of it.

dhvana @ 2010-03-22T10:05:00

2010-03-22T16:05:44Z

I'm trying to decide whether or not to get up and go for my walk, or just go back to sleep. Yes, it's almost ten o'clock on a Monday morning, but I've been exhausted for almost a week now. The walls here are very thin and my next door neighbor is very loud and I'm a very light sleeper, so I haven't had a good night's sleep in a while. The fact that I was actually able to sleep through most of his morning routine today shows me just how tired I am. But, if I sleep now, I'll just have a difficult time getting to sleep tonight. (Though I think part of the reason I slept so well was that I watched UP for the first time right before bed and ended up crying through about half of it--that kind of emotional purging can be tiring.)

The weather's being...odd. It's sunny. And snowing. The ground that had been cleared before is covered but it's melting like crazy. I don't think it knows what it wants to do. I'm just trying to decide whether or not the road is clear enough to walk on or there's a chance a truck will slide into me. Won't know that till I actually get there.

Addendum 2:25 p.m. MST I am really glad I went for my walk earlier because it's like a fricken blizzard out there now. Guess the weather decided to turn the switch back to winter.

dhvana @ 2010-03-21T00:15:00

2010-03-21T06:17:46Z

Sigh...well, my Hawks blew it. I love them to death, but I'm honestly not surprised. They have a terrible habit of choking in the finals, except for those rare occasions when they kick ass and win it all. Kind of funny that they managed to screw up everyone's brackets today--including the President's. When we screw up, we screw up big.

I'm still on my "The West Wing" kick. Such an amazing show. Great writing, great characters (I'm in love with Sam Seaborn. And Toby. And Josh. And C.J. But mostly the beautifully idealistic Sam.), an unlikely but wonderful teaching tool, and it has this magnificent way of making me feel like I don't know enough about politics and what's going on in the world today. I feel guilty now. I need to start giving a damn.

One of the nice things about this forum is that no one knows I'm here. Well, I have a few friends whom I know in real life who are on here, but no one at work. No one in my family. So I have somewhere anonymous to go and vent and will hopefully not get myself in trouble. That's the danger of the net, isn't it? Someone can always find you. I'm just hoping they don't. I suppose the safe thing to do would be not to say anything at all, but sometimes you just need to talk.

So here's the deal.

I'm manager of the resort this year. I've been supervisor before, but never manager. I've been responsible for a kitchen, but never a restaurant, a bar, a gift shop, a hotel, maintenance, housekeeping, fifty employees. And now I'm all of the above. It's a challenge I'm looking forward to, but it's also unnerving because...well, this place is nuts. I'm not sure how much support I'm going to get (I'm currently in charge of hiring people, but I can't even get a key to the office so I can use the printer). And the guy they were going to use as an assistant manager, whom I did not have much faith in to begin with (and never really cared all that much for when I knew him last year as assistant manager of the kitchen) has decided not to return (after repeatedly telling me his decision had nothing to do with me or my being named manager which tells me it has EVERYTHING to do with me being manager), so I'm relieved in that at least I won't have to spend the next several months dealing with his screw-ups. On the other hand, until we find a replacement, I'm going to be carrying a lot of the weight of this place on my inexperienced shoulders and we're also without someone in the kitchen who, even if he didn't do a great job, at least knew the job. Already, this year is kind of fucked up. (Ah, yes, the f-word. Something I can't use on FB because I've got young relations on there and I have to watch my language.)

They haven't had a manager last the whole season in at least three years.

Our last one got in trouble for several reasons, but one of those was that she wrote something disparaging about this place and the owners on Facebook, which wasn't a good move seeing as how several of us are friends on her Facebook. I'm just hoping that by writing on here, I'm keeping my head down. We'll find out.

Mood ruiner

2010-03-11T23:48:11Z

There's nothing like being in the middle of a truly delicious sex scene and having to stop to answer the phone and give a job interview. While it's nice that I'm the interviewer and not the one being interviewed for a change, it's really hard to get your mind out of the gutter and transition into someone who sounds vaguely professional.

Anyway, I'm back in the boonies, the land of twitchy internet connection and miles of untarnished nature (gotta love it!). Wyoming is just as gorgeous as I remembered it being and I have to say, I'm enjoying being one of the few people currently inhabiting the forest. It's going to seem positively crowded once the tourists return. Nice thing is, I actually have time on my hands for the first time in...god, years. I've been spending some of my spare hours watching the entire series of The West Wing (one of the most brilliant shows ever!), enjoying long walks in the bitter cold (it's actually not too bad, once you bundle up), and I'm trying to get back into the habit of writing. It really is something you need to do every day or you just kind of forget. It's almost like a chore now, where it used to be a pleasurable escape. But, I'm trying to fix that. I want to fix that. I feel like I'm kind of cheating myself by not writing anymore and I don't want to be like that.

But anyway, yeah, back in Wyoming, doing the manager thing for the first time (holding the fates of others in the palms of my hands is fun!), and will hopefully be here a while. :D

dhvana @ 2010-02-26T15:08:00

2010-02-26T21:08:17Z

Much love to myr_juhl and keyweegirlie for the birthday balloons!

This year's birthday was extremely quiet, but that's a good thing, as it had been quite hectic for the three weeks leading to my birthday. First there came the packing up of my things and leaving Florida behind to drive back home to Kansas. Then mother and I went on a two week trip to Peru to celebrate both her birthday and mine (she's turning 60 this year and wanted to do something special--I'd say Peru was definitely special!) from which we returned on the day before my birthday. Next up, I'm driving back to Wyoming to begin a new job there. This whole month has been insane! I'm almost looking forward to the peace and quiet of spending the remainder of winter in the middle of nowhere. Almost. ;)

Possession (The Vampire Diaries, Damon/Stefan, 1/1, NC-17)

2010-02-15T11:28:41Z

Title: Possession
Fandom: The Vampire Diaries
Author: Dhvana
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Damon/Stefan
Summary: Not long after they’re turned, Damon goes missing and it’s up to Stefan to save him.
Warnings: Non-con, blood play, incest (honestly, there’s probably other warnings I should have here but it’s been so long since I’ve written anything like this, I have no idea what they are)
A/N: Written for this prompt here at The Vampire Diaries Kink Meme

Possession

Stefan strolled into the Countess’s ballroom as if he belonged there, looking every inch the bored, pampered aristocrat, a part he could imitate well even if it was a role he wasn’t comfortable with. In America, where everyone was too busy trying to eke out a life from the wilderness and create a sense of civilization in the aftermath of the war, the width of one’s lapels or owning the right footwear or being seen at the appropriate amusements just weren’t important. It was different here in Europe where such things as fashion and connections and the latest frivolities actually mattered. Since coming here, he’d taught himself how to blend in order to gain easy access, to know exactly what cloth to wear, how high his top hat, how long his tails. He played the part of a young fashionable gentleman, but every detail was painstakingly learned. With everything else he’d overcome, he just couldn’t bring himself to care. If he could, he would have buried himself in his studies and locked himself away from the world.

Unlike Damon.

Damon loved European society. He didn’t even have to care about the details in order to blend in. He instinctually knew how to look and act just like one of them without any effort at all. It was as if he was born to be better than everyone else, or at least to believe he was better than everyone else. This attitude was new, one his brother had adapted after seeing the love of his life destroyed by those he had trusted, their gifts—or perhaps, their curse—the only souvenir left to remember her by. Stefan supposed he couldn’t fault him for relishing the chance at a new life, but it still saddened him to see Damon become so lost, and to know he was partially at fault. As a result, he simply tried to stay out of his way and not be a constant reminder of everything that had happened.

Knowing his brother was essentially invulnerable, Stefan had long ceased to try and take care of him—or ‘save him’, as Damon would often claim. He survived on the occasional rumor that Damon had been spotted in this country or that one, seen with a certain bishop or dancing with the girls in Paris’s red-light district. His brother was exploring his newfound nature, testing its limits, discovering his own, and doing it far away from him. Where Stefan felt tethered by the weight of the responsibilities brought on by his change, Damon simply shrugged the weight off and reveled in it. Stefan had no doubt it would get him in trouble one day, if not killed, but so long as he continued to hear inklings of Damon’s whereabouts, he refused to be concerned.

And then one day, the inklings stopped.

Six months, and nothing. No matter where he looked, no one had seen nor heard of his brother. No one he questioned knew of any of his exploits or even recognized Damon’s face—and everyone who’d even caught a glimpse of him remembered Damon’s face. Worry followed him every day until Stefan finally put aside his books and his guilt and remorse and went to find the answer to the only question that mattered: just how much trouble had his brother gotten himself into? (The question was never “had something happened to him?” because Stefan refused to even consider that Damon had done something he couldn’t help him escape from.)

This was why he was here, now, in this room full of people who watched his every movement with eyes full of intent, ready to devour him. Wicked in ways he could never be, these were people not to be trusted. All of Europe had heard the tales of a hard-hearted Countess, beautiful as she was vicious, who held court in her ancestral home, ruling over the disillusioned children of a nobility quickly losing its power. Scandal kept these men and woman by her side, rumors drifting across the lands of the things they would do to entertain themselves, the substances they would consume, the acts they would perform. There was no sense of restraint or propriety, only the never-ending search for a final thrill—just the sort of thing Damon would find alluring.

It was only through a single act of indiscretion that Stefan had found this place. Someone had whispered about the beautiful boy the Countess had discovered, eyes of cobalt, skin of alabaster, cheeks that could cut diamonds, and most of all, strange talents that fascinated and frightened those who witnessed them. He could hypnotize you with his gaze, control your body or mind, change his appearance from human to monster, but was so treasured by the Countess, no one dared to raise a hand against him, unnatural though he was. She had found a way to control this beautiful creature so that he saw no one but her, heard no voice but her own, and would do anything she asked. Or anyone. His stamina quickly became a thing of legend and all of her followers pledged whatever her heart desired for a taste of his beauty.

Stefan didn’t hear this account firsthand, but from one set of ears he’d paid to listen for word of his brother. The man the ears had heard it from had apparently won the Countess’s favor and was rewarded by a night with her captive. The man, strangely weak and trembling, odd wounds at his throat, was barely able to stay conscious during his recollection but everyone near had heard him clearly say that he’d never regretted anything more, for after having tasted the Countess’s treasure, no other lover would ever come close. He later threw himself off the nearest bridge and ended his suffering—saving Stefan the trouble of doing it himself. The very thought of someone controlling his brother, forcing him to perform like some sort of slave, was enough to make the demon in him long for release.

Though far from a positive I.D., the description was enough for Stefan to investigate. He searched out the Countess’s home, watched for a day and a night the manner of people who traveled in and out, then styled himself after them and followed. He was allowed entry with no questions asked either because he blended so well or those at the door didn’t really care. He wandered through the party for hours without seeing either the Countess or his brother, though apparently this was not unexpected. The Countess refused to keep a set schedule and those who wanted to see her could only wait for her to make an appearance. It was a little after midnight when an excited whisper spread across the room and the doors to the private apartments finally opened. The Countess greeted her simpering guests with careless indifference as she made her way across the hall. She was lovely, Stefan supposed, but not extraordinarily so. He imagined her power came from her ability to wield it more than anything substantial—he briefly wondered if she was a Countess at all—before his attention was drawn to the man following her.

In a crowd where every stitch was perfect and every article of clothing was draped with precise consideration, his manner of dress should have made him look careless and out of place. Instead, the ease with which he wore his garments—the shirt, unbuttoned and fluttering open, his feet bare and padding softly against the marble floor, the pants hanging loosely about his hips—all made him look like he was the stylish one and the rest were all ridiculously overdressed. It was the bruises on his neck and chest, the ones just barely visible around his waist, the slight limp with which he walked, these obvious signs of abuse were what made those around him cringe, but of this reaction he was never aware. His eyes were on the Countess and the Countess alone. It was as if the rest of the room were empty except for her and as she gracefully flowed into a chair, he immediately fell to his knees by her side, his head turned to gaze up at her adoringly.

Stefan felt the bile rise in his throat. His brother, his beautiful, strong, smirking brother, had been turned into this bitch’s plaything and he wanted nothing more than to rush over there and tear him away from her. No one should suffer this indignity, especially not Damon. He and his brother may have had their differences, but to look at his brother’s body, to peer into his eyes, and to find nothing of the man he’d once loved, he knew Damon had to be suffering from a living death even worse than the one Katherine had bestowed upon them. His brother’s personality, a light shining stronger and more brilliant than the sun, was gone. This bitch had taken it from him, and Stefan knew he had to get it back.

Biding his time, he waited as the night faded and the sun began to rise, for the guests to grow weary of their entertainment and trickle out, for hands to stop touching his brother as if it was their right. He watched as the Countess, Damon, and two nameless sycophants retired to her quarters, apparently to put Damon’s legendary stamina to test. Rage flickered red around the corners of Stefan’s eyes, his veins ached with the hunger he was trying to deny, the sharpened points of his teeth tearing into his lip. Human or not, he wanted to sink his teeth into the Countess’s neck and drain her dry. There was no way he was going to let another one of them use his brother’s body as a toy for their amusement.

Slipping through the halls, he followed the scent of Damon’s blood to an elaborate bedroom where the orgy had already begun. His brother’s pale skin was easy to distinguish against the flesh colored limbs of the Countess and her guests. He was too late to prevent the last drops of liquid from falling between his brother’s lips out of the cup the Countess was holding to his mouth, but it relieved him to know that was the final act she would ever perpetrate on his brother.

Stefan entered the room as a blur, not even hesitating to strike at the source of his fury. Within seconds, the two nameless guests were running screaming down the hall, their bodies splattered with the Countess’s blood. He briefly considered hunting them down, hunting them all down, each and every one who’d dared to touch his brother, but Damon came first.

Damon, who was staring up at him without a hint of recognition in his eyes.

He tried to force as much of the Countess’s blood into his brother as he could, but even as Damon’s teeth sank hungrily into the various limbs Stefan provided, a change was coming over him. The mindless adoration that had before been focused on the Countess found a new subject, the only subject left in the room. Stefan began feeling conflicted and distinctly uncomfortable as Damon followed his every instruction without hesitation, his mind and body apparently reacting to whatever it was the Countess had made him drink. He knew it was only a matter of time before their resilient nature burned the poison from his brother’s veins, but he had no idea how long it would take. He could only imagine how Damon had been treated, how his blood intake had been restricted to keep him weak, and it could be anywhere from hours to days before he recovered.

“Damon, do you know who I am?” he asked, ignoring the blood-soaked sheets as he leaned forward, trying to find even a hint of blue around the edges of his dilated pupils. Damon didn’t respond, not with words. Instead, he smiled and moved so his mouth met Stefan’s while his elegant fingers sought out the weak spots in Stefan’s clothes.

For a moment, he was so stunned he allowed the kiss, allowed himself to feel a thrill of passion pulse through his body. And then he came to his senses. He grabbed onto his brother’s wrists, holding back his searching hands. “Damon, no!”

Hurt flashed across the beautiful face and he whimpered, falling back as if struck.

Guilted by his unthinking act, Stefan pulled Damon towards him, holding him close. “I’m sorry. It’s not you. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just trying to protect you. I want to take you away from here. Do you understand? Will you come with me?”

Damon’s gaze met his, eyes filled with confusion and hope. “Not them?” he asked, his voice hoarse from lack of use. “Not…her?”

If the Countess had still been alive, Stefan would gladly have killed her slowly and with as much suffering as he could stomach to inflict. “No, not her,” he reassured his brother, “never again.”

This time Damon moved too fast for Stefan to stop him and their mouths connected in a joyous kiss. He’d like to say he was so startled he was unable to stop it, but in truth, Stefan could feel the happiness at his escape radiating through his brother’s lips and he in turn was so happy to be part of that, he couldn’t resist kissing him back. Over the past few years, he’d ceased to be anything beyond a constant thorn in Damon’s side and it was a relief to feel that connection between them again, no matter what the cause.

“I love you, Damon,” he said, holding his brother close, “and I will always be there for you, no matter what’s happened between us.”

“Stefan,” Damon whispered, returning his embrace, and again Stefan was filled with an overwhelming joy to be near his brother. This time, when Damon’s hands began to wander, he didn’t try to stop him. He wanted to do whatever he could to prolong the peace between them.

“Whatever you need, Damon, whatever you want, it’s yours,” he pledged between increasingly frantic kisses.

“You’re mine,” Damon agreed, pushing him down onto the bed, the grisly scene from before forgotten as their passion rose. He felt a momentary twinge of remorse knowing that the drug was most likely at the root of Damon’s desire but he pushed the feeling aside, choosing instead to lose himself in the intensity of his brother’s attention.

Damon quickly stripped them of their clothes and with little preparation, Stefan was penetrated by his brother. The pain, the pleasure, none of it compared to once more being the center of his brother’s universe. Whispered endearments, promises of love, dozens of scorching kisses, all of these passed between Damon’s lips and his as their bodies rocked together. Damon’s teeth grazed across his throat and he stretched his neck, offering himself up to him.

“Together,” Damon said and they bit down to share each other’s blood even as they moved more furiously towards climax. His brain turned a little foggy as the drugs hit his system, but his body felt it more. Sparks formed everywhere their skin touched, fueling their desire. He didn’t just want Damon, he needed him, needed to have him always in him and around him and Stefan felt his inhibitions failing. In that moment, every resolution he’d ever made to himself fell away and he would have done anything Damon asked. Stefan would have killed for him, drank human blood, wallowed in it, if that’s what he wanted.

“Damon, please,” he begged, so close he could taste it.

His brother lifted his head, the blue eyes clearer than before, a shadow of his customary smirk beginning to form on his lips. “Come for me, brother,” he said, thrusting harder, deeper. “Come for me, now.”

As if he had simply been waiting for permission, Stefan’s body pulsed with his release, his mouth shouting out his brother’s name. Damon leaned over to kiss him, catching any other words Stefan might have said as he, too, found release.

Lying there, the weight of his brother across his body, his mind began to clear. He became aware of the Countess’s blood damp against his skin, the smell of her death filling his nostrils. The enormity of what had occurred, from his murderous rampage to fucking his brother, made him tense and he quickly tried to think of a way to escape the bed without panicking Damon.

He needn’t have worried.

Damon slowly pulled out and leaned over him, the mask of arrogance and indifference he’d taken to wearing firmly in place. Whatever the Countess had given him had apparently made its way through his system, his body and mind regenerated by the heavy intake of blood. If there was anything left of the drug, Damon didn’t let it show.

“Hello, brother. It’s so nice to see you again.” He glanced down at their bodies then back up to meet Stefan’s eyes in such a way that Stefan felt the urge to blush. “All of you.”

“I didn’t—this isn’t why—you weren’t supposed—”

“Shh…” Damon smiled and kissed him, pressing their bodies together and causing him to moan.

“We can’t,” he protested.

“We did.”

And in truth, he wanted to again. Just the thought had his cock stirring against his leg and Damon chuckled triumphantly. “If I’d known this was what you wanted,” he said, pausing to lick a stripe up his brother’s throat, “if this was what you needed, if this was what it would have taken to keep you away from Katherine, I’d have fucked you years ago.”

Anger flashed through him and Stefan shoved him away, jumping off the bed. “Fuck you,” he growled, abandoning his ruined clothes and searching through the wardrobe for something suitable to wear. Katherine. It always came down to Katherine. He caught a reflection of Damon lounging on the bed, his body on display for anyone to see and admire and almost wished things could have been different between them. “I should have just left you here.”

“Now, Stefan,” Damon said, his voice patronizing,” we both know you could never do that.”

“Next time something like this happens—”

“There won’t be a next time,” Damon snarled, unwittingly allowing Stefan a glimpse at the rage and humiliation his brother was feeling at being so thoroughly violated.

“Damon,” Stefan began, his compassion beating out his common sense, but of course his brother would never allow that.

“Unless you’re going to say something about finding a different bed to crawl into, we have nothing more to say.”

His common sense returned with a vengeance. “What happened between us will not happen again.”

“Why not?” Damon shrugged. “We’re beyond the laws of this world, Stefan. The sooner you realize that, the better. We both enjoyed it. I see no reason we should stop.”

“There are plenty of reasons,” Stefan said, thrusting his arms so hard into a shirt he nearly tore out the seams, “none of which you’ll ever understand. I’m leaving.”

“Fine,” Damon sighed. “You can just add tonight to your list of things you regret enjoying since your death.”

“Along with saving your life,” he snapped, storming out the door.

“You know you’ll never regret that,” Damon called after him. “No matter how hard you try to fight it, you said it yourself. You’re mine.”

“…mine…” The echo of Damon’s voice followed him down the hall, and Stefan knew his brother was right. Of everything that had happened tonight, of that, he was the most certain. He belonged to Damon, but what was worse, Damon knew it.

[February 14, 2010]

wii and mpreg

2010-01-02T03:16:36Z

I can't be the only person who's afraid to face their wii fit after a night of drinking and bad choices. It's sad that I'm afraid of being judged by a video game.

Meanwhile, I wish with all my heart that both women and men could get pregnant. After a week of being surrounded by baby talk and men who negatively judge women who would rather have pets than children and men who skip out on their paternal duties because they leave their children with the mothers, I think a great equalizer would be if men could also give birth. I think they'd be a lot less self-righteous if they had to go through pregnancy and then raise the children. I think they'd be a lot more understanding towards those of us who don't want to have children if they also had to decide whether or not to completely change their lives by giving birth to a child.

In other words, men are assholes and I am tired of listening to incessant chatter about babies and children.

AWWW!!!!

2010-01-02T02:09:19Z

I so don't check my email or my LJ often enough! smidee, miss_julie, and jmystic, y'all are the best!!! Thank you so much for the snowflake cookies! I feel so honored right now--thank you!!!

dhvana @ 2009-12-24T23:03:00

2009-12-25T04:03:47Z

Happy Holidays everyone!

My world is on fire--literally.

2009-09-28T02:58:07Z

The big news here is the sudden rash of forest fires cropping up. We've been watching the Arnica fire in Yellowstone closely--not because it's anywhere near us, nor do we expect it to come anywhere near us--but because most of us have never seen a forest fire before and also to get an idea of how it'll effect business. I went out last night and got some pretty cool pictures of the smoke against the setting sun. Unfortunately, I couldn't get any of the fire itself after dark because I was too far away, but I could still see the orange glow where it was.

Today has brought even more fire-related excitement as we watched a plume of smoke start to rise over the hill behind the lodge. It's now a pretty decent fire going just a couple miles away with the fire following the creek which drains into the river which runs right by the lodge (if you zoom out, you can see how close Crow Creek is to Pahaska, where I'm working). We don't expect it to be any trouble tonight, but who knows what tomorrow might bring. We can, however, see the glow of the flames over the hill and have been watching the smoke turn orange and yellow depeding on the height of the flames. Fortunately, the man who owns the place is a firefighter and so we feel pretty secure having someone around who knows what he's doing. If we have to evacuate, that's fine--we'll survive. I'm already halfway packed anyway because it's about time for me to head back down to Florida, where I've decided to spend the winter again. Still, I'll keep you updated, just in case.

dhvana @ 2009-09-19T14:43:00

2009-09-19T20:44:06Z

Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day!

Facebook woes

2009-09-19T05:22:34Z

The annoying thing about having Facebook is that my entire family (mom, dad, cousins, aunts, etc.) is on it, which makes true honesty impossible. Or just drunken posts. How am I supposed to share my alcohol induced nuggets of wisdom with people who won't understand because they're beyond having wine-fueled epiphanies in their lives? If they ever had wine-fueled epiphanies to begin with. Basically, I can't share with them because I don't want to face their judgment/disappointment/disapproval because I have more than a couple drinks one night. Or even just bitch about work, or maybe them. How can I tell my family that what I do with my life is none of their damn business and therefore I'd very much like to kick them off my friends list? I can't. Very annoying. At least I still have LJ to go and babble on without consequence, an LJ they know nothing about (and I know some would never speak to me again if they did know the stories I posted on here). Though, considering I haven't had contact beyond facebook with quite a few of them for a decade or so, I guess it wouldn't be too much of a loss. I guess I care about dissolving ties with my family more than I thought I did.

And how is it you can tell a hair stylist that you're trying to grow your hair out and they interpret that to mean 'cut it short'???? I didn't realize this was such a difficult concept to understand, especially since half the stylists I go to have no idea how to cut short hair to begin with, so I'd think 'grow it out' would make more sense to them, not less.

Stuff and Unexpected SGA Fic

2009-07-28T03:26:38Z

The icon for this post is from a picture I took at one of the rodeos I've been to here in Cody. A major tourist attraction (if for no other reason than there's just not a whole helluva lot to do around here) is the Cody Night Rodeo. Cody hosts a rodeo every night from June through September made up of cowboys and cowgirls from around the area or across the nation. It's a twenty-five dollar entry fee for them (more than what it costs to watch), but it builds up to a prize at the end, so we've had a fair number of participants every night. Since I work for one of the sponsers, I was able to get half off the season pass and a friend and I are now hooked. I've only been three times so far, but consider my first was over the Fourth of July weekend, that's not too shabby. I just wish I'd found it sooner. The rodeo is a blast. (Though the endless supply of beer and the gratuitous cowboy ass doesn't hurt.)

And that pretty much covers the excitement in my life. Rodeo. Hiking in Yellowstone. Work. Yep, that's about it. And you know what, it's actually kind of nice. I may come back next year (though I'm still waiting for the return of winter, which might weigh in on my final decision--snow is wrong).

Concerning more personal news, after three years of pain and misery, the utter morons who make up the medical community have finally diagnosed my sister with chronic appendicitis. And it only took them three years. I'm sure their families are proud to have spawned such bright individuals. Anyway, she's got an appointment with a surgeon tomorrow and then hopefully she'll soon get the damn thing removed and can actually go through a day without feeling miserable. I know she's nervous about the surgery and my folks will be driving down to be with her, but honestly, I'm just relieved. It's about time the damn doctors (who've included at least four specialists in four separate areas) figured out what was wrong so she can feel well again. I just don't want her to have to deal with this on a daily basis anymore. And it's just an appendectomy. I know there are a few horror stories out there of all the things that have gone wrong with appendectomies, but there are thousands more that don't even get mentioned because everything went right, so I'm not worried. I just want her to feel better.

I mentioned an unexpected SGA fic. I've been an SGA fan for years. Loved it better than the original. I've read much of the fic, but have never written any myself. Or so I thought. I was looking through my computer last night and actually found a fic I'd written last fall. It's complete--short, but finished, and apparently never posted, so I thought I'd go ahead and post it. Why not. So here's the only SGA fic I've ever written.

Title: How to Prevent Heartbreak
Author: Dhvana
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Category: AU
Rating: PG
Pairing: John/Rodney
Summary: John gets dumped. Sort of.

How to Prevent Heartbreak

“I’m breaking up with you.”

“Excuse me?” John looked up from the framed photograph of a shuttle launch he was trying to straighten and found himself staring into the blue eyes of his shop’s most exasperating patron.

“I can’t do this anymore, and so I’m breaking up with you, before you have a chance to break up with me.”

John frowned at the man, who began to fidget when the silence grew prolonged. “I’m sorry, but are we dating?”

“No, not yet, but it was inevitable. I’ve seen the way you look at me and I know the way I look at you and eventually it would have led to one date, then two, and then we’d become a couple, move in together, and no longer be able to hide all of our idiosyncrasies from each other. Your little habits would annoy me, mine would annoy you, and we’d begin to grate on each other’s nerves. I’d spend even more time at work, if that were possible, and you’d hide out here, until finally we realized we never saw each other anymore and were better off that way and we’d break up. So, I figured I’d just skip everything else and break up with you now.”

John blinked. “Oh,” was his brilliant reply, and he wondered why these things always happened to him. He’d opened up Cups and Cakes Coffeehouse and Bakery because he’d been told by his family and few remaining close friends he was becoming a hermit, and this idea had shut them up and given him a sense of purpose without any real personal interaction. Serving people coffee and seeing their faces light up when they bit into one of his cupcakes was as close to socializing as he wanted to get. And it had worked, them on their side of the counter, him on his, up until this moment. Yes, he’d noticed the man. It was hard not to notice him when he was daily listing off the exact requirements for his coffee or while watching him miraculously inhale whole cupcakes without somehow resulting in the necessity of the Heimlich. John had noticed, but he didn’t realize his attention had, in fact, this whole time, been carrying a silent message that would have eventually resulted in the dissolution of a non-existent relationship.

“Was it all bad?”

The man’s forehead wrinkled in confusion. “What?”

“Our relationship. Was it all bad?”

“Well...no, no, not at first.” The man’s smile was fond as he stared over John’s shoulder at some memory only he was privilege to. “In the beginning, it was a lot of fun. I mean, once I got over the fact that someone like you would actually date someone like me, I loosened up and you actually seemed to enjoy spending time with me--which, believe me, not a lot of people can say.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t break up with them before they get the chance to know you.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” the other man scoffed with a wave of his hand. “That’s not the reason. Besides, you’re the only one I’ve broken up with first.”

“Good to know,” John smiled, which seemed to throw the man off, and he stuttered a bit as he continued with his story.

“As I was saying...what was I saying? Oh, right, in the beginning—”

“Like the Bible.”

“It was nothing like the Bible!” he scowled, and then leered, eyeing John in a way that should have made him uncomfortable, but instead just made him a few degrees warmer. “Well, some of it was definitely Biblical, and let me tell you, the Biblical parts were amazing.”

“They were, huh?” John said, swallowing his grin at the man’s confidence.

“Oh, yeah. I happen to be excellent in bed, and in spite of appearances, you look like you would be no slouch—”

“Hey!”

The man rolled his eyes. “I was referring to your posture, not your level of attractiveness, which, by the way, is extremely high.”

“Thanks, I think.”

“You’re welcome. And since both of us are good at sex, we participated in a lot of it. Even when things were starting to go sour, we could still count on great sex.”

“And that wasn’t enough to keep us together?” he asked. John had always thought there were worse things to base a relationship on. Admittedly, his relationships based solely on sex never lasted, but they’d been worth the try.

The man sighed, his eyes growing sorrowful. “Unfortunately, no. As typically happens, you became jealous of my intellect—I’m a genius, you know.”

“I didn’t.”

“You do now, and as a genius, I tend to get distracted. A lot. My mind is constantly working, ideas are constantly flowing, and if I don’t get those ideas down on paper, lives could be lost. The future could be in peril. The world just might come to an end.”

“That would suck,” John said with a solemn nod and the man agreed vigorously, apparently missing the sarcasm that came with the nod.

“Exactly!” he practically shouted. “And with the world at stake, maybe, just maybe, I didn’t pay you enough attention, and you became resentful and started picking fights just to be near me. I started missing the man I fell in love with and ran away to avoid being near you. Soon, that was all we had left--the fights, the silences, the running away, and that’s basically how it all came to an end.”

And what a bitter ending it was, John thought, but his mind was holding on to something else the man had said. “We were in love?”

“I was in love with you, but I never quite knew if you were in love with me.”

“I never told you?”

“You seemed to have trouble saying it, and, well, I’m someone who needs to hear it.”

“Huh.” In spite of their supposed almost-relationship, they’d never really met, but the man had pretty much hit the nail on the head with that one. John didn’t think he’d ever said the three magic words to anyone, and certainly never to a complete stranger, but he felt a sudden urge to do it just to see the doubts leave the man’s eyes.

So he did the next best thing.

“Are we still friends?”

The man’s jaw fell slack with surprise. “What?”

“I mean, I know it didn’t end well, but you said we had fun in the beginning. Maybe without the pressure of a relationship, we manage to become better friends.”

“Actually,” he began, eyes turning thoughtful, “that hadn’t really occurred to me, but it’s not a bad idea. After all, the friendship between us was never a problem. Maybe it is still possible for us to be friends.”

“Then maybe we should do that.” He held out his hand. “Hi. I’m John.”

The man was quiet for a moment, then nodded and reached out to shake his hand. “I’m Rodney.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Rodney,” John smiled and Rodney smiled back.

“It’s nice to meet you, too.”

“I’m hoping we’ll be good friends for many years to come.”

“I think I’d like that.”

“Good,” he grinned, clapping Rodney on the back and leading him over to the counter. “Now that all that’s behind us, this calls for a celebration. Cupcakes are on me.”

“I like the way you celebrate,” Rodney said, his entire face lighting up as he peered at the rows of baked goods waiting to be chosen. “I’ll have the triple chocolate cupcake.”

“Excellent choice,” John said, sliding open the case and reaching for a triple chocolate. “Hey, Rodney,” he started with a sly gleam in his eyes as he slid the plate across the counter, “about the genius thing, did I ever tell you I could have been in MENSA?”

For the first time in his life, Rodney McKay needed the Heimlich while choking on a cupcake. Fortunately, John knew how to give the Heimlich, so he was able to save him. After Rodney forgave him, and after he’d finished his original cupcake, followed by the one that acted as John’s apology for making him choke in the first place, they began talking. They had a long conversation about genius and Rodney’s work and John’s work and the things they liked the most in the world, and the things they liked least, and found that they had a lot more in common than Rodney had originally suspected. In fact, five years later, they were still having this conversation, and if they happened to be having it in their shared house on their shared bed with their skin touching so they could share warmth, well, John just smiled knowing that even though he was in love with a genius, they never would have gotten together if his genius hadn’t done something so remarkably stupid as try to break up with him.

[November 12, 2008]

Rodeo

2009-07-02T08:29:12Z

So apparently, in addition to the nightly tourist rodeos, during Fourth of July weekend, Cody is host to one of the top five rodeos in the nation. This I was not aware of until one of our bosses insisted I attend because it was not a typical rodeo (and we received complementary tickets for the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd). Even though I have the next three days off and am making the eight hour drive to the Badlands in South Dakota, I decided to attend tonight's event, making this my first rodeo ever. With perhaps an unhealthy mixture of cynicism and excitement (exacerbated by a huge amount of booze) I went and had the time of my life. I'll post pictures when I'm sober enough to figure my camera out and the words aren't swimming in front of my eyes. The events featured were bareback bronc riding, team steer roping, steer wrestling, saddle-back bronc riding, single steer roping, barrel racing, and, of course, bull riding. Fucking amazing what these people put themselves through. Texas, I might add, had a decent number of contestants but barely managed to score any points at all. I was very disappointed (thought at least half the bull-riders were from Texas--just goes to show they've got more balls than brains, though after the bulls and broncs were through with them, I'm not sure they have much of either). Only one person from Kansas showed up, in bull-riding, and I don't think they even placed. So much for the states I call my home. There were still some fairly exciting moments overall--sad to say, it's exhilarating watching people get thrown around an arena by some seriously vicious animals. I just hope I captured a few of them on film. But seriously, if y'all have an opportunity to go to a rodeo, I highly recommend you go. Even if you think it's cruel to animals, still go, because I have to say, half the time we were rooting for the animals themselves, and they definitely put in a better showing than the cowboys did. And if you don't care about rodeos at all, at least care about Wranglers, and what goes into them. Trust me, a decent pair of jeans and a nice ass outlined by a good-looking pair of chaps makes it all worthwhile.

Stubborn men will be the death of us all...

2009-06-24T05:37:10Z

So here's what happened. Within a twenty-four hour period, everyone who works here became ill with vomiting and/or diarrhea. We've been half-staffed for the past two days. It was insane how quickly it spread. People who were fine in the morning were down a couple hours later. Some of us worked through it, some of us couldn't make it out of bed. I did both. I worked yesterday but today couldn't manage more than a couple hours, though I was extra careful about sanitation when I did work because I did not want to be responsible for getting anyone else ill.

But this is why everyone was sick.

Some guy went to Belize and came back with a particularly virulent strain of flu. Instead of staying home for the five day quarantine period, he went out and therefore got everyone in Cody and up and down the Yellowstone corridor sick. Employees, locals, tourists, who knows how many people ended up infected, but we know he was the start of it because his wife posted an apology in the paper to everyone who got sick because her husband is an idiot.

Men are so fucking stupid sometimes.