Another Year Gone By, A Decade Gone
It doesn't feel like the end of the year. Not really. And I kind of dreaded writing this post, because as I think back over 2009, I can't think of anything worth mentioning that I accomplished. All the big stuff? Happened last year.
However, I did accomplish one major thing that I didn't intentionally set out to do, not in the resolution sense. Last year, I weighed around 172, which was my heaviest ever, and as of today, now I'm 136. That's 36 pounds lost, folks, and that, frankly, is quite an accomplishment. It doesn't seem real either, until I put on clothes that don't fit anymore because they're loose, or I look at pictures from pre-2009.
So in that sense, I think 2009 has been stellar. I also like to think I'm a little healthier than I was. I've curbed most of my junk-food cravings (she says as her husband is making brownies, hee hee!), and I've told caffeine I don't need it every day any more. This is all good. It could be better, because I still eat stuff that would make health nuts curl into a fetal ball and cry, but 2009's a good start.
Writing-wise, I've disappointed myself. The urban fantasy that I'd planned on working on started out all systems go, and after a few weeks fell so flat I couldn't save it. So I turned it into a space opera, that I tinkered with before realizing I really didn't want to come up with a new SF world-building universe (because I must have my rules in place before writing: I must!), which led me to the decision to really focus on the sequel(s) for my thesis, Entanglement. The thesis is currently getting a fresh set of eyes, and I keep thinking I'm gonna go back to that sucker and re-write it, maybe split it into two books. We'll see. Right now, I'm trying to plot out the rest of the trilogy/series in such a way that I can sit down and just write it.
Of course, that's the trick: sitting down and just writing. And frankly, I've lost the love. That's a hard thing to admit, especially after all the time and money spent (still spending, if you look at loans) on workshops and grad school. It's not to say those were a waste of time either: they weren't, and I'd defend those decisions until I'm blue in the face. It's just . . . bad timing. I need to fall in love again, and I'm not sure the best way to do it (the first person who says to just sit down and do it is going to get a virtual foot up their ass). I think that's one of the reasons my reading has become SO RABID. I finished the year off with 102 books, less than last year's 123. I think I'm trying to find that love, that spark, and the only way I can think to do that is to see how others are doing it.
Then again, I also look at how much I'm reading and realize I might be overloading myself. That might be part of the problem, spending so much time in other worlds that I can't fully immerse myself in my own.
We'll see. I won't make promises for 2010 (other than to try to read more books than I buy), but we'll see.
But when I step back from 2009 and look at the decade, I have to say, it's impressive. In 2000, I was just starting college. Since then, I've got a bachelors, a masters, my first "real" job, my first new car, and of course, I got married. I finished writing a book this decade (which is nothing compared to some of you, but damn, that was hard work for me), and I've learned a helluva lot about myself in the process.
The one dark spot marring those accomplishments is realizing that personally, I've grown more and more distant from life (insert "maybe that's because you spend too much time reading" snark here), and I know it started when I was in college. Undergrad was a transition for me, and I'm still finding my way out of that transition. It's been a very hard road.
So what I want, not just out of next year, but out of next DECADE, is to find myself emotionally back on my feet. To be able to say I've really and truly enjoyed the years that've gone by, that I've felt something on the whole, rather than say I've gotten hard and brittle. I hope that this time in ten years, I'm living somewhere that doesn't put me on the defensive any time I'm out in public. I hope in ten years, I can look at my accomplishments of this decade and say it's nothing. Or, if not nothing, then it was a nice little start.
We'll see. Promises for next year though? Don't have any. My writing goals failed spectacularly, so I won't make them this year. And the one thing I DIDN'T set out to do, which was to seriously lose weight (if that'd been a New Year's Resolution, I would've failed before January was over), I ended up doing with fantastic success. You guys, I can wear clothes again that I haven't worn since college. That's no small accomplishment.
Sorry for being a little introverted and gloomy for this post, but it's the end of the year, end of the decade, and I feel the need to be honest. It's time I stop hiding behind perky, fake promises, and start being honest with myself in all matters of life. That, too, may be a hard road, but it's one I'm willing to take. I don't think I'll be truly happy otherwise.
But in happier news, Greg and I just celebrated our one-year wedding anniversary on the 30th, which marks our 11th year together. Truly, that makes me happy. It's a good thing to celebrate at this time of year, and we had a lovely night.
Happy New Year to you all, and may 2010 bring you everything you could want and more. :)
However, I did accomplish one major thing that I didn't intentionally set out to do, not in the resolution sense. Last year, I weighed around 172, which was my heaviest ever, and as of today, now I'm 136. That's 36 pounds lost, folks, and that, frankly, is quite an accomplishment. It doesn't seem real either, until I put on clothes that don't fit anymore because they're loose, or I look at pictures from pre-2009.
So in that sense, I think 2009 has been stellar. I also like to think I'm a little healthier than I was. I've curbed most of my junk-food cravings (she says as her husband is making brownies, hee hee!), and I've told caffeine I don't need it every day any more. This is all good. It could be better, because I still eat stuff that would make health nuts curl into a fetal ball and cry, but 2009's a good start.
Writing-wise, I've disappointed myself. The urban fantasy that I'd planned on working on started out all systems go, and after a few weeks fell so flat I couldn't save it. So I turned it into a space opera, that I tinkered with before realizing I really didn't want to come up with a new SF world-building universe (because I must have my rules in place before writing: I must!), which led me to the decision to really focus on the sequel(s) for my thesis, Entanglement. The thesis is currently getting a fresh set of eyes, and I keep thinking I'm gonna go back to that sucker and re-write it, maybe split it into two books. We'll see. Right now, I'm trying to plot out the rest of the trilogy/series in such a way that I can sit down and just write it.
Of course, that's the trick: sitting down and just writing. And frankly, I've lost the love. That's a hard thing to admit, especially after all the time and money spent (still spending, if you look at loans) on workshops and grad school. It's not to say those were a waste of time either: they weren't, and I'd defend those decisions until I'm blue in the face. It's just . . . bad timing. I need to fall in love again, and I'm not sure the best way to do it (the first person who says to just sit down and do it is going to get a virtual foot up their ass). I think that's one of the reasons my reading has become SO RABID. I finished the year off with 102 books, less than last year's 123. I think I'm trying to find that love, that spark, and the only way I can think to do that is to see how others are doing it.
Then again, I also look at how much I'm reading and realize I might be overloading myself. That might be part of the problem, spending so much time in other worlds that I can't fully immerse myself in my own.
We'll see. I won't make promises for 2010 (other than to try to read more books than I buy), but we'll see.
But when I step back from 2009 and look at the decade, I have to say, it's impressive. In 2000, I was just starting college. Since then, I've got a bachelors, a masters, my first "real" job, my first new car, and of course, I got married. I finished writing a book this decade (which is nothing compared to some of you, but damn, that was hard work for me), and I've learned a helluva lot about myself in the process.
The one dark spot marring those accomplishments is realizing that personally, I've grown more and more distant from life (insert "maybe that's because you spend too much time reading" snark here), and I know it started when I was in college. Undergrad was a transition for me, and I'm still finding my way out of that transition. It's been a very hard road.
So what I want, not just out of next year, but out of next DECADE, is to find myself emotionally back on my feet. To be able to say I've really and truly enjoyed the years that've gone by, that I've felt something on the whole, rather than say I've gotten hard and brittle. I hope that this time in ten years, I'm living somewhere that doesn't put me on the defensive any time I'm out in public. I hope in ten years, I can look at my accomplishments of this decade and say it's nothing. Or, if not nothing, then it was a nice little start.
We'll see. Promises for next year though? Don't have any. My writing goals failed spectacularly, so I won't make them this year. And the one thing I DIDN'T set out to do, which was to seriously lose weight (if that'd been a New Year's Resolution, I would've failed before January was over), I ended up doing with fantastic success. You guys, I can wear clothes again that I haven't worn since college. That's no small accomplishment.
Sorry for being a little introverted and gloomy for this post, but it's the end of the year, end of the decade, and I feel the need to be honest. It's time I stop hiding behind perky, fake promises, and start being honest with myself in all matters of life. That, too, may be a hard road, but it's one I'm willing to take. I don't think I'll be truly happy otherwise.
But in happier news, Greg and I just celebrated our one-year wedding anniversary on the 30th, which marks our 11th year together. Truly, that makes me happy. It's a good thing to celebrate at this time of year, and we had a lovely night.
Happy New Year to you all, and may 2010 bring you everything you could want and more. :)