that's messed up yo, that's kafkaesque

this is war

2013-03-06T07:32:08Z

mary crawley or bust

basically the reason why i keep this! VOTE MARY CRAWLEY.
i will /try/ to update this with a decent entry during the week but if we're friends on twitter/tumblr you know what's up.

garden of love - a matthew/mary fanmix

2011-08-17T23:18:03Z

These twooooooo. From the very beginning I shipped them because BEST FIRST MEETING EVER Y/Y? Her glorious bitchface at Matthew and Matthew's NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO face, omg I was sold from that moment. And then they grew closer and realized they could have super flirty and witty banter, and longing looks and "IF YOU REALLY LIKE A GOOD ARGUMENT WE SHOULD SEE MORE OF EACH OTHER" and "OH MATTHEW, WHAT AM I ALWAYS TELLING YOU? YOU MUST PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE THINGS I SAY" and just faceeees and haaaands. Obviously the finale was devastating and I cried and my tears were also blood but I'm really excited for the angst that s2 will bring and ugh just find your way to each other or I'll burn the abbey to the ground.

This mix is dedicated to Lo/jackassing and Lauren/bridgetvonhammersmark whose lives were also ruined by all the feelings this couple made us feel!! Cover art was made by my dear Iris/hurtmybones, leave all compliments to her! Comments are greatly appreciated.

1. Rambling Man | Laura Marling (*) (Mary)

Beaten battered cold / My children will live just to grow old
But if I sit here and weep / I'll be blown over by the slightest of breeze
And the weak need to be led / And the tender are carried to their bed
And It's a cold and pale affair / And I'll be dammed if I'll be found there

2. Mr. November | The National (*) (Matthew)

The English are waiting
And I don't know what to do
In my best clothes

I'm the new blue blood, I'm the great white hope

3. Momentum | The Hush Sound (*) (Matthew and Mary)

You are the dark ocean bottom
And I am the fast sinking anchor
Should I fall for you?

All we need is a little bit of momentum
Break down these walls that we've built around ourselves

4. Embers | Just Jack (*) (Mary)

Through all the devilish things we do
(I can't help my stupid hopes)

5. Night Time | The XX (*) (Matthew)

You mean that much to me / And it's hard to show
Gets hectic inside of me / When you go
Can I confess these things / To you
Well I don't know / Embedded in my chest
And it / Hurts to hold

6. Beth / Rest | Bon Iver (*) (Matthew and Mary)

Our love is a star
Sure some hazardry
For the light before and after most indefinitely

7. Illuminated | Hurts (*) (Matthew)

So do you want to waste some time?
Oh, oh tonight
Don't be afraid of tomorrow
Just take my hand
I'll make it feel so much better tonight

8. People Can Do The Most Amazing of Things | Kisses (*) (Mary)

I just can't work it out
I want to be with you now
I've got to get it right
I never wanted to fight

9. Awake my Soul | Mumford & Sons (*) (Matthew and Mary)

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free

10. Hardest of Hearts | Florence + The Machine (*) (Mary)

There is love in your body but you can't get it out
It gets stuck in your head, won't come out of your mouth
Sticks to your tongue and shows on your face
That the sweetest of words have the bitterest taste

Darling heart, I loved you from the start
But you'll never know what a fool I've been

11. Garden of Love | Aqualung (*) (Matthew)

How we tried to make everything right
How we fought and we talked through the night
How we nearly
Made it

In the garden of love I saw
A moment of sun in her eye
And everything was quiet

12. Can't Help Falling in Love | Ingrid Michaelson (*) (Matthew and Mary)

Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
So take my hand, and take my whole life too
Cause I can't help falling in love with you

download zip file.

twin flames - a spike/buffy fanmix

2011-08-11T04:16:34Z

Okay, after MONTHS of watching Buffy, I finally finished the show! Not gonna lie, when I first started I was already biased towards this couple thanks to Sylvia/spillingbliss's stanning but ultimately I think I still would have ended up falling in love with this ship. How could I not? I loved their entire relationship. Spike was a breath of fresh air compared to Angel's brooding and boring self, and right from the beginning he had an insane chemistry with Buffy (even though he was trying to kill her lol). His and Buffy's explosive love/hate relationship thorough the series kept me glued to my screen and it ended up being one of my favorite things about the show. I loved how their arc ended, they had several ups and downs but' in the end, they found peace within each other. They were two sides of the same coin, they were equals. Spike understood Buffy in a way no one else did, and Buffy did the same with Spike.

ALSO, HOTTEST COUPLE OF BTVS. I DARE YOU TRY TO DENY THIS. You can feel the heat between them, although technically as a vampire, he's room temperature.

The cover art was made by my partner in crime, the incredible Mary/tomlinsons. Leave all compliments to her :)

01. An End Has a Start | Editors (*) (Spike and Buffy)

You lose everything / By the end
Still my broken limbs / You find time to mend

More and more people / I know are getting ill
Pull something good from / The ashes now be still

02. Help, I'm Alive | Metric (*) (Buffy)

I tremble, they're gonna eat me alive
If I stumble they're gonna eat me alive
Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer?
Beating like a hammer

03. Dangerous Animals | Arctic Monkeys (*) (Spike)

The way you keep me in pursuit
Sharpen the heel of your boot
And you press it to my chest and you make me wheeze
Then to my knees you do promote me

I'm pinned down by the dark

04. Separate and Ever Deadly | The Last Shadow Puppets (*) (Spike and Buffy)

No matter how vicious the grief
Her expression was damp and crooked
Grabbed onto my throat and won’t let go

05. Length of Love | Interpol (*) (Spike)

But we went through with these
Oh we're shifting the heartache
We want strong summer love, the most robust of blood
Just to stay awake

06. Ready to Start | Arcade Fire (*) (Buffy)

I would rather be wrong
Than live in the shadows of your song
My mind is open wide
And now I'm ready to start

07. Numb | Marina and the Diamonds (*) (Buffy)

Oh, I get dark oh and I'm in hell
I need a friend, oh but I can't yell

I got dark only to shine

08. The Cave | Mumford & Sons (*) (Spike)

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

09. Bite Hard | Franz Ferdinand (*) (Buffy)

No I never resort
To kissing your photo - honest
I just had to see
How the chemicals taste there honey
Bite hard

10. Dark Shines | Muse (*) (Spike and Buffy)

Dark shines
Bringing me down
Making my heart feel sore
Because it's good

11. Sunburn | Muse (*) (Spike)

She burns like the sun, and I can't look away

I'll hide from the world behind a broken frame
And I'll burn forever, I can't face the shame

12. Silent War | A Fine Frenzy (*) (Buffy)

We fought a silent war
In the hardware store and the air was thick as paint
Though I carried it on, I knew that I was wrong
But I fight when I'm afraid

13. Perth| Bon Iver (*) (Spike)

Still alive for you, love
Still alive for you, love
Still alive for you, love

14. Twin Flames | Klaxons (*) (Spike and Buffy)

Double halves of wholeness / Find the missing equal sign
Double halves of wholeness / Now return to intertwine
Spirals turn the fire in us / Instants synchronise
Joining us a second love / We harmonise in time

download zip file.

Comments are greatly appreciated!

ETA: updated with an actual zip file!!

brighter than sunshine - a james/lily fanmix

2011-01-23T22:15:03Z

I am completely head over heels with this pair. I blame Andrew Garfield and Karen Gillan for being my dream cast and getting me obsessed (also the insane number of good fics of this pairing I've read omg. My life, my choices). Anyway, the birth of this mix was so random! I was in the subway going to class when suddenly my ipod played Brighter Than Sunshine and I was like "this could work" and one song lead to another and here it is! This mix is supposed to cover their relationship through their different stages, from James' ~courtship and Lily's annoyance, to James' feelings deepening and Lily realizing she actually has feelings for him (and denying them) and finally them getting together and falling in love.

The cover art was made by the amazingly talented Mary/tomlinsons and this is dedicated to Amy/eatingthepeach my James/Lily shipper sister and Samantha/varjaks my Andrew/Karen enabler friend. Please comment if you snag anything, comments bright up my day! ♥

01. Kiss With a Fist | Florence + The Machine (*) (James and Lily)

Well love sticks sweat drips
Break the lock if it don't fit
A kick in the teeth is good for some
A kiss with a fist is better than none

02. Love You Madly | Cake (*) (James)

I don't want to hold back
I don't want to slip down
I don't want to think back to the one thing that I know I should have done

I want to love you madly

03. Never Gonna Happen | Lily Allen (*) (Lily)

How on earth could I be any more obvious?
It never really did and now it's never gonna happen with the two of us
I don't understand what it is that you're chasing after
But it makes me really sad to hear you sound so desperate
It just makes it harder

04. Stars | The XX (*) (James)

I can give it all on the first date
I don't have to exist outside this place
And dear know that I can change

05. Starry Eyed | Ellie Goulding (*) (Lily)

So we burst into colors, colors and carousels,
Fall head first like paper planes in playground games
Next thing we're touching
You look at me it's like you hit me with lightning

06. Strange and Beautiful (I'll Put a Spell on You) | Aqualung (*) (James)

I've been watching your world from afar / I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart, unseen / To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see / You turn every head but you don't see me

07. Slow Dancing in a Burning Room | John Mayer (*) (James and Lily)

It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dyin breath of
This love that we've been workin on

08. Brighter Than Sunshine | Aqualung (*) (Lily)

Tied up in ancient history / I didnt believe in destiny
I look up you're standing next to me / What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine

09. Vagabond | Wolfmother (*) (James)

Oh girl I don't know all the reasons why,
I found the answer lookin' in your eye,
I go out walking all day long,
Take away this lonely man soon he will be gone

10. Playground Love | AIR (*) (James and Lily)

I'm a high school lover, and you're my favorite flavor
Love is all, all my soul
You're my playground love

11. La Ritournelle (Mr. Dan's Magic Wand Mix) | Sébastien Tellier (*) (James and Lily)

Oh nothing's going to change my love for you / I wanna spend my life with you
So we make love on the grass under the moon / No one call tell, damned if I do
Forever journey on golden avenues / I drift in your eyes since I love you
I got that beat in my veins for only rule / Love is to share, mine is for you

download file.

i'll see you in my dreams; a jesse/rachel fanmix + fic

2010-08-13T08:22:52Z

Oh these two! I fell in love with them since the first minute I laid eyes on them. Yes, I knew he was a guest star and he had ~an agenda but THEY'RE SO MADE FOR EACH OTHER, I COULDN'T HELP TO FALL IN LOVE. The way they're so passionate about their goals, so over the top, so talented, they just click! They just understand each other. Before them I had my ships in Glee (I've never been a fan of Finn/Rachel though) but none of them will ever reach the level of love I have for these two. I'm not sure of what will happen to them in the show (crossing fingers!) but in my mind they will hape this dramatic and epically romantic reunion in Broadway. It's inevitable.

That reunion is what inspired me to do this. I first started with the mix and in the middle of everything, the little story I had for it morphed into a fic! A special thanks to the amazing and super talented Mary/tomlinsons who made the cover art for the mix! A THOUSAND THANKS BB, YOU'RE TOO FANTASTIC, ILY! Comments are very appreciated :) I hope you enjoy my bbs (first mix and first fic!).

**********

They haven't seen each other since regionals. Rachel being the mature and good spirited girl she is, has tried to forgive (why should she?) and forget (how could she?). But she tries, and in her mind she decides that's almost as good. Jesse tries to cope with what he did (he had to win) but the guilt overcomes him every time (that look kills him every time). Moving on seems like the most rational solution, and that's what they plan on doing. Hurt and guilt are very powerful emotions and they think of the emotional depth their performances will have.

Broadway is a big world, bigger than they had imagined. Jesse's words resonate in her head every night and though it's almost a taboo to think of him, she believes his words- she will make it, it’s an inevitability after all. He thinks of her too. He thinks of the words he told her and likes to imagine Rachel under a big spotlight playing the part of Laurey. He lied to her, yes, but this he had meant it. Rachel Berry being a great Broadway star is an inevitability (he also likes to imagine himself there by her side, after all it's his fantasy)

They see each other briefly one day- she quickly discards the idea and blames her subconscious for making her watch a certain someone. “He's in LA” she tells herself but her words don't sound as convincing as they did in her mind. Jesse stands there looking like a stunned idiot for about five minutes before continuing his walk, but the idea of her being there too is too good to let it pass. He starts looking for her in every petite brunette he sees and after weeks of looking for her, he finds her. She's even more beautiful than he remembers.

Following is the best idea that comes to mind and that's exactly what he does. He almost lost her a couple times but he's now there in front of Rachel’s building, looking at her searching for her keys and he admits to himself, he's nervous. He had thought of what he would say to her if he ever saw her again but every coherent thought seems to have escaped his mind. He's always been good at improvising.

He walks up to her looking as confident as he can be in this situation. “Fancy meeting you here, Rachel Berry.” His voice is as smooth as she remembers.

Her mind is blank for what it feels like ages. “Jesse St. James” she mutters, and suddenly her keys are the most interesting objects in the world. “I thought you were in LA” she says finally facing him.

He almost gets lost in those big brown eyes of her when he realizes it's his turn to speak. “I was,” he pauses for the dramatic effect, “I moved here after graduating.”

She tries not to watch his lips as he speaks and says a simple “Oh” when he stops. “I guess I'll see you around.” She gives him her best show face and feels like she can breathe normally again when she steps into the lobby of the building. That feeling doesn't last long.

He runs and steps right in front of her and his poker face almost falls when she bumps into him. It's hard to not smile at this and the surprised look she gives him when he asks her if she'd take a coffee with him.

Without noticing she says “sure” and asks herself what just happened while they walk to the nearest Starbucks.

Neither of them knows how to start the conversation. They send each other some awkward glances before he breaks the silence. “So Juilliard, huh” he says with a warm smile, and she can't help but smile back at him when she tells him, “You remember.” The smile reaches her eyes and that spark is back there. “How could I forget?”

She didn’t remember how easy it is to talk to Jesse St. James, and how good it feels. They talk for hours, and when they look outside it’s already dark. He stands up and offers her a hand. “Come on, I’ll walk you home.” They make the way to her apartment but this time their walk isn’t filled with an uncomfortable silence, and she almost wishes she could stay a little longer with him.

They reach her entrance and he toys with the idea of kissing her. Give her an epically breathtaking kiss, the kind that only happens in movies and their own little world. He quickly dismisses the idea. “Would you have lunch with me tomorrow?” He asks her. She gives him an almost apologetic look before telling him she can’t, “My dads are visiting me this week. I’m picking them up at JFK tomorrow.”

He can almost taste the feeling of having Rachel Berry back in his life, and he won’t give that up so easily. “What about next week?” She stands there in silence for about a minute before she starts nodding and giving him that smile again. “I’ll call you.” He says and before leaving he gives her a chaste kiss on the cheek. The electricity they feel in that moment lingers.

**********

Jesse finds himself lucky he had an audition for Sweeney Todd in two weeks. If he hadn’t, he probably would have gone mad trying to not stalk Rachel like that creep who followed her in high school (he followed her home after all).

Rachel spent all week wondering if it had been a good idea to take Jesse’s invitation. Yes, she did have a great time with him and yes, maybe this is what she needs to finally have closure; but she still isn’t sure.

She wakes up with a smile that morning. She takes that as a sign she made the right choice.

They arrive almost at the same time to the small restaurant Rachel had picked, “You’re still punctual, I see” she says approvingly. They order their foods and that silence is there again. Jesse has a speech prepared and he’s waiting for the right moment. But how does one know when is the right moment? He’ll just rip it like a band aid.

“Rachel“ he starts, before being interrupted by their waiter bringing their drinks. “Rachel, I- you have no idea how much I regret how everything ended between us. I acted like a real dick. It wasn’t supposed to be like that.”

“Then how was it supposed to be?” she says in almost a whisper, but with a defiant look in her eyes. He swallows before continuing, “It wasn’t all lies. Us meeting was a coincidence. It wasn’t until I told Shelby I had a date with you things got complicated. I couldn’t say no to her plan, Rachel, she’s done so much for me. So I started to take it as an acting exercise but things didn’t work out that way. My so-called feelings became real, and before I knew it, I was in too deep.”

“I knew our relationship wasn’t meant to last but I thought if you at least had your mother by your side, the hurt wouldn’t have been so big. I have never been so disappointed at someone like when Shelby told me you didn’t need her because you weren’t a baby. I had to return to Vocal Adrenaline but I was upset. Upset that after everything Shelby had made me do, she would just give up on you. Upset at myself for letting all of this to get under my skin, and although I had no reason to be upset with you, I was. You single-handedly turned me into a caring person, Rachel Berry. I didn’t want to see the look in your eyes when I ended things with you, that’s why I came up with the Another One Bites the Dust number. But I still had to see that look, and it took everything I had to not run off the stage and hold you. You must know I had no participation in the egging plan Rachel, that was all them. They told me when we were on our way and I couldn’t just back off; they would have made my life a living hell. I was selfish and immature, and for that I apologize. I’ve wanted to apologize since that fist egg hit you. We had a good thing and I threw it all away. I’m so sorry, Rachel.” Jesse’s eyes hadn’t left Rachel’s during his speech and he noticed her eyes were glistening with tears. He wanted to cup her face with in his hand but he decided to wait for her to speak.

“Thank you” she said after a few minutes. “I really needed to hear that”

They eat their food in silence when Rachel suddenly breaks the silence, “I think we should try to be friends. I mean the past is the past and though I still haven’t completely forgiven you, I don’t see why we shouldn’t. It’s nice to have a friendly face here.”

For the first time in years, Jesse St. James is speechless. But his face says everything, he has the biggest smile Rachel has ever seen and she can’t help but smile with him. “Of course” he says before he and Rachel start one of their endless conversations.

**********

A few weeks have passed since their conversation and things are good, but they’ve gotten awkward a couple times. Like that time they were watching West Side Story and his hand got under her skirt (he still defends his story he didn’t notice). And that time she almost kissed him when he told her he’d gotten the lead in Sweeney Todd (it was the excitement of the moment!). They both wanted more and they knew it.

Jesse wanted Rachel, and he wanted all of her now. He loved what they had now but it was fucking hard having Rachel around in those short skirts and not being able to do anything. He wanted to call her ‘his girlfriend’ again. He wanted to kiss her whenever he felt like kissing her, he wanted to feel her arms around him, hell he just wanted to hold hands with her.

Rachel, on the other hand, had never been as undecided as she was now. All the feelings she had successfully buried were back again; and she wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. He had apologized and she was in the process of forgiving him. She couldn’t help but wonder if they could make it this time, without a secret plan with her mother, different glee clubs and a competition between them. Things were easy this time, and truth be told, she missed them.

Another week passed until it happened. They were in the middle of their weekly movie night and he couldn’t help it. The kiss caught her by surprise, and before even thinking of stopping it, she found herself passionately returning the kiss.

Breathing brought her down to her senses. “I think I should be leaving” she said before picking up her things and practically running out of his apartment, leaving a very hot and bothered Jesse.

She received a text 30 minutes later.

I was out of line, I’m sorry.
Call me; we need to talk about this.

She calls him three days later.

“Rachel! I was going insane here. When can we meet? I really don’t want to do this over the phone.”

She breathes a couple of times before answering. “I can’t today, but come over tomorrow. I’ll cook us dinner”

Rehearsals end almost an hour later and when he rings Rachel’s bell, he’s out of breath and some curls are stuck to his forehead with sweat. “I’m so sorry I’m late. Rehearsals took a little longer today.”

“Don’t worry, you’re just on time, I just finished everything.” she says while she lets him in.
He goes to the kitchen and pours himself a glass of water. “What’s the menu?”

“Just some pasta with pesto sauce, wine and my famous lemon pie.” she says almost in a chant.

“It smells delicious.”

Jesse waits for them to finish eating to talk with her. He knows now’s the time and he won’t let this opportunity pass.

“Rachel about the other day, I’m sorry for how things happened, but I don’t regret kissing you” he looks at her before continuing, “I love having you in my life again but I want, no, I need more. I want all of you Rachel.”

“Is this some kind of ultimatum Jesse?” she says and her left eyebrow rises.

“No! Look, Rachel, I just want to be with you again, and I know you want it too. You’re the one holding the cards here.” He takes a breath before continuing, “I want you to be a part of my life no matter what, but this is killing me Rach. I don’t want to give us up again.”

He stands up and walks to her side, “Please don’t take too long.” He kisses her one more time before leaving.

She shows up at his doorstep the next morning.

He sleepily opens the door when she walks in and immediately starts speaking, “What you did last night was rude, Jesse. We’re having a very lovely evening and you had to make things complicated! Shut it! I’m doing the talking now.” She looks at him with defiant eyes and continues, “I thought things over and I decided we could rekindle our romance, but taking things slowly.” She finishes with a small smile.

He feels like jumping. No, even better, he wants to shout in the rooftop or just burst into song with her, but he walks up to her and holds her just the way he’s wanted to do for weeks. “You drive me insane Rachel, you know?”

“And you love it.” She stands on her tiptoes and kisses him.

01. Guns and Horses | Ellie Goulding (*)

I wish I could feel all it for you / I wish I could be it all for you
If I could erase the pain / And maybe you'd feel the same
I'd do it all for you / I would

02. Forget About What I Said | The Killers (*)

All of the stars are whandering around tonight, we used to try them on
And sometimes I hear you, the galaxy sings your song
And tonight I sing along

Forget about what I said / I'm older now and I know you hear me

03. Love and Let Love | Gossip (*)

You have to see her / To believe her
A great deceiver / Won't help you either
You're only fallin' / Deeper and deeper

04. I Don't Know What To Do | Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson (*)

When you're with me darling / I don't believe in anyone else
I'm so confused by you / I don't know what to do
I don't want you coming here

05. Flux | Bloc Party (*)

I'm a thinker not a talker / Put your faith, your faith in God
We were hoping for some romance / All we found was more despair
We must talk about our problems / We are in a state of flux

06. Endlessly | Muse (*)

Hopelessly / I’ll love you endlessly
Hopelessly / I’ll give you everything
But I won’t give you up / I won’t let you down
I won’t leave you falling / If the moment ever comes

07. Echo | Incubus (*)

There’s something about the way you move
I see your mouth in slow motion when you sing
Like suddenly something someone contrives
Your movements echo that I have seen the real thing

08. Enter Galactic (Love Connection Pt. 1) | KiD CuDi (*)

I once dreamt of peace until I found you / Once upon a time baby
I once had a dream so sweet until I had a taste of you / Once upon a time baby
Reaching out to outer space dancing to awesome sounds / This all new to you?
Reaching out to hold your clothes so I don't slip away / Explore a new approach, a whole new free I say

09. You've Got The Love | Florence + The Machine (*)

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need to see me through

10. To The End | Blur (*)

Well you and I
Collapsed in love
And it looks like we might have made it
Yes, it looks like we've made it to the end

11. I'll Hold My Breath | Ellie Goulding (*)

Until you see me in your dreams / We'll stay awake beneath the trees
We'll watch the buildings turn to dust / A sky of diamonds just for us
You are the risk I'll always take / The only branch I'll never break
Those fears we'll blow them all way

download zip file.

friends cut

2010-07-15T04:30:40Z

if you can't see this entry, that means you've been cut. the reasons aren't personal, we just didn't ~connect. please remove me if you've been cut.

look what the homosexuals have done to me

2010-01-10T08:59:57Z

©

friends only
~~adding~~ | ~~selectively adding~~ | not adding (but give it a try if we have interests + friends in common!)

do not add me first. i won't add you if you do this. comments are screened.