You are not alone… many of our fears boil down to this one fear… the fear of being unlovable.

Through my reading of this book, Existential Kink, I’m learning more about my deeper unconscious and how powerful it is.

Although I disagree with the premise..of my causing any direct harm towards myself.. I can see how the results are feeding an unmet need. Even if it’s in a shadowy, dark way. Perhaps, especially 😈

Let’s get into it, shall we.

Take 2-3 Issues that are not going so well in your life and have not went well for you in the past.

Think patterns, old stories, reoccurring events. Mull them over… is it possible that you are getting something that you always wanted.. an unmet need.. from these issues?

In the book, Existential Kink, authored by Carolyn Elliott, PhD, she describes our unconscious as an area of repression, taboo, primal, uncomfortable, and def unwanted aspects of ourselves. These aspects manifest in our lives and can cause stuckness, painful patterns of existence. Why do we always find ourselves choosing an abusive partner or boss? Settling for less? Thinking we are undeserving? It’s because, argues Carolyn Elliott, PhD, we refuse to acknowledge the unconscious pleasure we derive from the taboo side … the shadow side… of our being. This dark side can make us feel powerless and often holds us back from our life’s goals. But it also holds profound transformative power. 💥

Through this book I’ve found ways of loving and befriending the kink and guilty pleasures of my subconscious. Integrating them into my whole being.

I’m going to share a few here with you today.

If you’d read any of my other .. early posts, you know that I have brain cancer. And a long story of 20 years of two craniotomy’s, oral chemo, and radiation. What I have not realized until now.. is the juicy zing I get unconsciously from the faces of people I tell my story to. The horror, awe, shock, sadness.. ugh pity, fear, and dismay as I tell my story. It’s mine. And it gives me this.. special power over every single person I have told it to. It gives me a jolt ⚡️ a zing of attention and dopamine. I got hooked.

Hmm… 🤔 I didn’t ask for all the seizures and those surgeries but at a young age I had an unmet need. Attention. Love. To be looked at and cared for. And later in my life reinforced as: Unlovable? Not able to have children? Defective? Broken?

Aha!: Once I released it, I was relieved. 😌 I didn’t need that anymore. I relished and I allowed myself to voice ALL of that in my journey writings. I allowed myself to love that part of me that got hot 🥵 over getting off on the attention from my illness. Getting off on being seen as broken.

What a ride! ⚡️ 💨

And it was!! It was opening the floodgates to the untapped potential of my Self. All of the Creativity and Power and Control… I embraced.

I breathed. I felt the sensations throughout my body and their pathways. I felt my aroused system coming back down to a rate of ease and calm. 😌

Better but still a bit tattered … I’m walking on this journey still. Determined to love and experience gentle ease in every moment.

And Now? I’m still playing with all of these bits and bobs within me. Now, I’m conscious of the unconscious. I’m magnifying all of these parts within my unconscious that get off and aligned them to my Self.

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That was only peering into my illness on this work. Not into my relationships/friendships and interactions with others.

The Hendricks route…

How “I’m unlovable” tends to play out in my relationships/friendships

I, at times, feel extra magnetized to people who are inconsistent or unavailable. Being near them keeps my old story humming.

I will use proof-seeking as a tool from my shadow self that might discount warmth (“they’re just being nice”) or deflect appreciation, so evidence of lovability can’t land.

I build preemptive distance. When closeness increases, I often go quiet, get critical, over-give, or pick a fight. The resulting gap “proves” the belief.

I certainly feel myself Upper-limiting. After a moment of real connection or support, fear surges. Worry, overwork, or even a flare of symptoms can appear as a reflex to shrink back from receiving.

I have been wearing down tread in my “rescue/earn-love loop.” Over-caring for others while under-revealing my own needs results in depletion and resentment, which echoes “I’m not worth steady care.”

And here is the kicker…

How cancer can intersect with the pattern

My Vulnerability is amplified. Illness heightens sensitivity. My Old protective strategies (withdrawing, pleasing, toughing it out) can reappear more strongly.

Receiving allergy: Accepting help may feel like “indebting” others or losing control, so I ask less specifically…or not at all…then feel unseen.

Drama substitute: If intensity is familiar, my system might unconsciously recreate emotional intensity in relationships when life already feels intense.

Solution: We redirect that energy toward presence and support.

I suppose what I’ve learned from the book is… that there is no one way to heal. It takes energy, practice, and there are no instant recoveries … rather there are instant realizations where presence… connection with yourself and others … and a whoooole lotta love ❤️ can come on in.

❤️ Diary Of A Relationship Coach