Title: Aim Confidential Redux
Author: Claire Starling
Fandom: Heroes
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Complete and utter crack!fic. Some swearing. Innuendo galore. And Maya! And Peter!bashing
Disclaimer: Mr. Kring, I am truly sorry I soiled your characters this way.
Pairing: Sylaire. Other pairings mentioned in passing.
Summary: Right. So after 3x02, Sylar gets hold of a computer and decides to message Claire.
AIM Confidential Redux
braineater: Hello, Claire.
shortbutsweet: who is this?
braineater: You honestly don't know? Think about it.
shortbutsweet: if I knew, I wouldn't be asking.
braineater: Look at the screenname, Bennet, it's a tribute to you.
shortbutsweet: SYLAR?!?!
braineater: Got it in one.
shortbutsweet: You've got to be fucking kidding me.
shortbutsweet: Sylar goes on AIM during his spare time? Yeah, that totally goes with your badass status.
shortbutsweet: That was sarcasm, just so you know.
braineater: What? I can't own a computer? It's 2008, what self-respecting person doesn't own a computer?
braineater: And the screenname is new.
braineater: And I am so bad ass. I killed Peter. Twice.
shortbutsweet: *snort* riiiiiiiiight.
shortbutsweet: Only to get killed by a die-hard Star Trek fan. Don't go bragging about it now.
braineater: Hey!
braineater: I was almost killed by a die-hard Star Trek fan.
shortbutsweet: Even you know how lame that sounded.
braineater: At least I don't have a crush on my uncle.
shortbutsweet: *blush* That was totally before I knew he was my uncle.
braineater: Uh-huh.
shortbutsweet: At least I don't have a man-crush on Mohinder.
braineater: ...
braineater: No.
shortbutsweet: That took you a good five minutes to deny.
braineater: It did not!
shortbutsweet: There are timestamps on the conversation!!!
braineater: So!
braineater: I totally do not have a crush on Mohinder.
shortbutsweet: Right, so you guys weren't having surprise!buttsex on the ceiling of Mohinder's apartment when Peter came in.
braineater: No. We were having oral sex.
shortbutsweet: *blink*
shortbutsweet: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
braineater: STFU!
braineater: It was a one time thing!
shortbutsweet: Aw, he didn't call you back?
braineater: No, he was a bad lay.
shortbutsweet: So Maya tells me.
braineater: WHAT?!?!
shortbutsweet: Word travels fast.
braineater: But-but... she was supposed to be a nun!
shortbutsweet: You're telling me that you never got it on with One-Minute-Maya?
shortbutsweet: ...
shortbutsweet: She stayed with Mohinder for less than a week and he had her in the sack. How long were you with her?!?!
braineater: but-but-but
shortbutsweet: Yeah, you're bad.
braineater: We TOTALLY kissed. And it was sexual and stuff. It was like mouth sex. With tongues and lips and stuff.
shortbutsweet: Ew.
braineater: Tell me about it. You weren't even the one kissing her.
braineater: I think she was trying to strangle me with her tongue.
shortbutsweet: Ew.
braineater: She almost succeeded.
shortbutsweet: EW! Stopping with the description now.
braineater: Sorry.
braineater: No wait. No, I'm not.
braineater: I'm a villain.
braineater: MUAHAHAHA!
shortbutsweet: You succeeded in making a teenage girl nauseous. You bad man, you.
braineater: Shut up.
braineater: I'm bad!
braineater: I'm evil.
braineater: *pout*
shortbutsweet: Sure you are, Sy.
shortbutsweet: So why did you IM me?
braineater: Well...
braineater: ... I thought there was something between us the last time we met.
shortbutsweet: Yeah. My brain.
braineater: Well, yes. But I mean, I thought there was some chemistry. Claire.
shortbutsweet: *laughs*
braineater: What's so funny?
shortbutsweet: You're hilarious.
braineater: I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner sometime.
shortbutsweet: Wait a minute.
shortbutsweet: You're serious?!?!
braineater: Do I look like someone who makes jokes on a regular basis?
shortbutsweet: Well-
braineater: That are funny to anyone besides a psychopathic killer?
shortbutsweet: ...
shortbutsweet: Oh. my. god.
shortbutsweet: You are serious.
shortbutsweet: *blink*
braineater: Is that a yes?
shortbutsweet: But... you cut open my head.
braineater: That's not a no.
shortbutsweet: But you cut open my head.
braineater: Right. Pick you up at 8?
shortbutsweet: But. You. CUT. OPEN. MY. HEAD.
braineater: I don’t know why you’re acting so sensitive about this. I put it back on!
shortbutsweet: That's like Hannibal Lecter asking Paul Krendler out on a date.
braineater: Claire, that's preposterous. Those are fictional characters.
shortbutsweet: *blink*
shortbutsweet: riiiiiiight.
braineater: So, Friday at 8? You can tell your parents you're going out with Peter Pan.
shortbutsweet: West? Ew, so last season.
braineater: So tell her you're going out with one of your cheerleading girlfriends. Having a sleep over. With scanty pajamas and pillow fights that dissolve into gentle but passionate kissing and exploration.
braineater: Can I watch?
shortbutsweet: ...
shortbutsweet: Dude, you just asked if you could watch an event that you MADE UP.
braineater: IF IT EVER HAPPENS, CAN I WATCH?
shortbutsweet: um- sure. whatever.
braineater: I'm totally going to brag about this to Peter.
braineater: He can't watch, right?
shortbutsweet: What's with my uncles hitting on me in a not-at-all subtle way?
braineater: Have you seen the way Nathan and Peter act around each other?
braineater: Believe me, in comparison, Peter is being subtle.
shortbutsweet: True.
shortbutsweet: But yeah. Not really into incest. That would be the males in my family tree apparently.
braineater: I'm not your uncle.
shortbutsweet: But Angela said you were.
braineater: Oh come on, we all know she's bullshitting me just so that she can manipulate me into doing what she wants only I'm going to be the one that ends up manipulating her.
shortbutsweet: Huh?
braineater: Exactly.
braineater: So, Friday at 8?
shortbutsweet: Two conditions.
braineater: *sigh* What is it?
shortbutsweet: I will sustain no injuries.
braineater: WHAT?! That is not fair! You jumped off the Hollywood sign with the Nathan rip-off and you didn't even like him!
braineater: And point to you being into incest, because you were dating a kid with the same power as your father.
shortbutsweet: Wait, so now I'm not allowed to date any kids who have the same powers as my relatives because that's "incestuous"?
shortbutsweet: That's like saying dating someone who has the same job as your parents is dirty.
braineater: No, it's not dirty.
braineater: It's wrong.
braineater: But in that hot way.
braineater: Think you could wear the cheerleader outfit?
shortbutsweet: That would be condition number two. No cheerleader outfit, no “I'm straight out of a porno stereotype, let me suck your cock” get up or I swear to you, I will find you and beat you with your own leg.
braineater: Way to turn me on, Claire-bear.
shortbutsweet: You're sick.
shortbutsweet: And don't call me that.
shortbutsweet: ...
shortbutsweet: Did that really turn you on?
braineater: Maybe.
braineater: You'll have to go out with me on Friday to find out.
shortbutsweet: All right.
shortbutsweet: But I pick the restaurant.
shortbutsweet: And you pay.
braineater: I promise you won't have to pay for it.
shortbutsweet: No killing the waiter.
shortbutsweet: Or the host.
shortbutsweet: Or the bus boys.
shortbutsweet: Or the chef.
braineater: You spoil all my fun, Bennet.
braineater: What if they're really slow?
shortbutsweet: Only if it takes them over 15 minutes to bring us the food.
braineater: Deal.
braineater: I've got to go. Need to take a hot shower to wash all the dried blood off.
shortbutsweet: Naked?
braineater: Do you normally take showers with your clothes on?
shortbutsweet: You. Naked. In the Shower. With the Washing.
braineater: Yeah...
shortbutsweet: That's kind of hot.
braineater: Really?
shortbutsweet: Maybe. ;)
braineater: See you on Friday then, dollface?
shortbutsweet: See you then.
braineater: And Claire?
shortbutsweet: Yeah?
braineater: I am so badass.