The Cycle of Betrayal and Rebirth

[37] nothing ever changes.

darkenedred — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 04:49:51 GMT

[Haou is settled on a bench somewhere, probably in the park. Full armor as usual. Not much to say, except that he is (mostly) unsuspecting.

There are certain people after his head that he is unaware of. To those people: here, have a chance to come beat the shit out of him. Possibly.]

((OOC: Mostly for Lina/Bard/whoever the hell else wants to attempt to kill Haou for attacking Lina. Haha oh god.))

[36] what you don't know

darkenedred — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 06:12:57 GMT

"...But he doesn't understand. He doesn't... he just doesn't..."

He quivers like the string of a wooden bow, clutching himself as though he were in danger of falling apart, eyes wide, golden, and strained. He feels an embrace from behind, its shadow offering him shelter for as long as he needs it. For all he cares, he could use it forever, and nothing would ever change.

"Have I gotten to the point that I can't even be trusted anymore? What am I doing... what have I already done? Where am I going? I... he's the only one here I felt I could reasonably trust, even if I couldn't express it... was it that he wasn't being truthful about it?! And yet in return, I...!"

"Don't think about it."

His own voice, again. Stronger... harsher in nature, but gentle in tone. The most emotional he can be around any one person... that person is and perhaps always will be himself. The shakier voice echoes back, hardly able to see through the darkness, only able to feel his way about tentatively.

"But I... all it made him do was avoid me! I tried to protect him and all it did was drive him further away...! It's all that ever happens, no matter what I do!!"

The embrace closes more firmly and comfortably around him, painfully sympathetic. "I allowed it for a time, and this is what resulted... Juudai, let go of him. You don't need him anymore."

He jerks slightly. When there is no response, his darker gemini continues.

"You don't need his help to stand on your own. You don't need his friendship just as much as you don't need anyone else's. The only thing that can be done is to break away."

"I don't want to... I just can't... Yubel..."

Hands reach down to grab his own from over his shoulders and grip them in a solemn, vaguely encouraging way. "Juudai. At least Yubel truly cared for you, no matter how she may have gone about it, or what her reasons were."

The pain of the realization spreads physically through him rapidly, as though he's just been stabbed in the gut, and continues as the knife is twisted deeper and deeper until it hits his very soul. But it is true, isn't it? It makes sense... to an extent. If that was so, why was he so insistent on being friendly towards him earlier? Perhaps there was a reason he couldn't see, then or now, but whatever it was, it matters little at this point. He feels the betrayal grip him cruelly, gnawing away at his resolve and begging him to let go in a way he is almost afraid he cannot manage.

When Juudai offers no answer, Haou murmurs quietly in his ear, "Don't worry about it. I won't let him hurt you anymore." It sounds almost like there is a threat thinly veiled beneath those words, and Juudai jumps quickly to say what springs to his mind, this time with little hesitation.

"Don't hurt him..."

Haou considers this briefly, and then replies, back to being impassive. "I won't. As long as he does not try to hurt you again."

Why, something in him suggests, shouldn't you hurt him back? Being lied to is not something he should get away with. His sense of justice, perhaps, but he tries not to listen. Whatever it is about him that does not want to see Johan hurt, its logic wins the entire gestalt that is his mind over. For now.

"Rest," Haou says, brushing a tendril of thought -- darkness? -- against Juudai's sensitive and vulnerable core, and he shudders at the touch of sorts. "You will figure out what is right soon."

Gradually, he feels Juudai slip through his fingers as he succumbs to mental sleep, and rises slowly from where he had been laying physically.

It is the truth, Haou tells himself. At least Yubel knew this.

[Hastily written note left to Johan in their apartment]

Johan,

I've decided that I will spare you the effort of evading my presence and leave on my own, for both our sakes.

Moreso, however, because I don't appreciate being lied to.

-- 覇王

((OOC EDIT: Uh, I should mention that Haou is findable. Any comments in response to this can be assumed to have found him... probably lurking in the town somewhere. He has his mask down and is extremely apprehensive, probably emanating dark energy to an extent.

...Er, I'd really like for even just one person to comment, despite Haou being rather antisocial ~~his mun is starved for RP it seems~~. I don't care who at this point, ehehehe.))

[35] suspended on threads

darkenedred — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 20:38:37 GMT

............

How could-- how could she even--

...God damn it!!

I don't even know what the hell I'm supposed to do! Whatever fate she's experienced, I will always be tightly bound to it-- so what does this mean for me?!

Yubel... I...

Damn it... damn it all to hell...

I shouldn't be so angry about this, and yet... this same anger... I can't stand this...!

((OOC: A-Also, he's mostly dressed in armor, of course, which covers pretty much everything except his face, and even then he has a mask. But if anyone wants to stick to him, I can figure something out...? ~~Haha yeah right.~~))

[34]

darkenedred — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 03:55:32 GMT

[Private // hackable]

...Ugh. Johan, this... it doesn't help, but...

What does it say about me that I would so easily let go of such a benevolent spirit that had saved me at least once, perhaps more times than I can remember at the moment...?

...That I am a horrible person, perhaps.

Yet, I knew that already. Whether I regret being the way I am or not is another story entirely, however.

Hane Kuriboh... you would frown upon all this madness, I'm sure. I wonder where that benevolence would finally run out when it came to me.

And Yubel. She... I knew she'd figure it out and then never leave me alone about it. Yet even so... I couldn't not do it. She values nothing but the one thing I cannot give to her, mostly due to my own imperfections. As well as our opposite orientations... but that was my fault as well.

...I really need to stop this.

One of these days, I'll remember something that will set me straight once more, something that will turn me back to the direction I had been moving toward before being brought here. Some sort of clarification, probably. That purpose I had before... I need to renew it. Not change, but renew. I refuse to let go of my original goal, as impossible as it may seem now. But I feel like I've wavered, and I need something to strengthen my will, in order to return to the path I started on...

[/Private]

((2% on the events of episodes 3-6, which I haven't chronicled ICly. Because he still has a lot to remember, so I can do this much at a time. >>; It's worth noting that in episode 4, Juudai used Hane Kuriboh's special little last-ditch effort strategy for the first time, and in episode 6, he was saved from falling completely into... some fake-shadow-game darkness (not his own, mind you) by Hane Kuriboh's voice calling out to him. 17% total, 1% remaining.))

[33]

darkenedred — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 21:12:31 GMT

[Private // hackable]

That time, after I dueled Satou... after he fell down the crevasse, I was half-exhausted and perhaps half-mortified as well. It was far more serious of a match than I'd ever bargained for. It brought up the question of so many weak points I had no idea even existed...

...Next thing I knew, Johan was there. I must have passed out sometime after the duel, and he found me.

The conversation took a turn... I couldn't get Satou's words out of my head. So I asked him about it, very tangentially, and he told me his dream, with the promise that I wouldn't tell anyone.

...Maybe... there truly was something between us, if he felt comfortable enough to confide such a thing in me.

Then... perhaps I will keep that promise, for now.

.............

Nrrgh. How am I supposed to do this, to work effectively, if these emotions keep getting in the way?!

At least, I can take solace in the fact that she still doesn't know where we've gone yet, however. How long this will last, I don't know... but I'm afraid I may be making a liar out of myself after all, if these kinds of memories keep returning.

Though, strange, I remember at the very end of the conversation... the sound of something mechanical rumbling, like an engine. And then it simply cuts off...

[/Private]

((OOC: 1% memory from Christmas spent on Johan telling Juudai his dream of uniting spirits and humans directly after the Satou duel, because it's a small thing and I can do that. |D 15% total, 1% remaining.))

[32]

darkenedred — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 04:02:41 GMT

Then, I'm leaving that wretched place. No more children blasting holes through my ceiling, at least.

Better than having another Sephiroth to live with.

However... I just realized something.

[Screened to Johan]

A bit of advance warning...

Yubel... will not take this well.

[/Screened]

[Private // hackable]

...I still don't quite feel comfortable about it. While it is better than taking a gamble again... there's...

...I don't know. There's something about him that just... brings me discomfort, based on the things I know. Another reason I should be trying to keep my distance instead. And who knows what Yubel will do as a result of this... then again, she is a weight I will have to continue to carry as long as I am here, whether she is here with me or not.

It is... a feeling of closeness, of something that perhaps had once been. My subconscious mind seems to want to betray my conscious intentions in that respect, because it seems to want to pull me to him like gravity to a larger object. I can see how it would've been so easy to get close to him, too.

So easy. Too easy. Treacherously so...

...I'll continue to try and stay as clear of everyone else as I can until I know more. I won't take any of the risks presented to me, be it the risk of a violent roommate at Ari Apartment... or the risk of harming someone else who couldn't deserve it any less.

...On a different note, I had completely forgotten about Christmas, as well.

.................

I wonder...

[/Private]

[31]

darkenedred — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 03:34:25 GMT

[Juudai is stalking around outside despite the snow, avoiding his apartment in an attempt to get away from the lack of privacy and the source of rage.]

Idiotic child.

If he fails to fix the damn ceiling before I lose what little patience I have left, I will thoroughly enjoy crushing every molecule of his until his body is effectively the size of a pebble.

[Whether he realizes it or not is hard to tell, but he's radiating dark energy, and a lot of it. It's like steam in reverse; the black wisps fall to the ground and pool around his feet rather than rise up in the air, being left behind in his wake wherever he walks and vanishing without a trace soon thereafter. It's even more apparent considering his being surrounded by pure snow, which makes him stand out terribly -- black and deep red against white will tend to do that, after all.]

...It's beyond me why they'd even opt to bring a child here in the first place...

[30]

darkenedred — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 21:11:45 GMT

...My roommate is gone once again.

For a time, I suppose, I'll be able to maintain some semblance of peace.

.................

...In the meantime... a question for anyone who cares to answer.

Assume there is a piece of trash on the ground, and there are two people. One notices the trash, but decides not to pick it up; the other does not notice it at all, and therefore fails to dispose of it as well.

Which of them is more at fault?

[29] schism

darkenedred — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 01:41:38 GMT

[Juudai listens closely as some cogs inside him shift. He is sitting straight against a wall somewhere, clearly in a deep trance that appears to be much like one that could be induced by meditation.

Somewhere in his mind, a voice carries over the void of darkness that sprawls under his feet. (Well, it isn't so much under as it is around, shaped under and around his body like it was holding onto him.)

"It's nice here, safe here. Don't want to leave. Do I have to?"

Juudai snuggles down, surrounded by a little more darkness. He feels comfortable, better than he had been for so long. Like before the insanity came crashing down on him, despite not knowing what caused it in the first place.

"Yes. Get up, Juudai."

The voice calling out to him reminds him of one long gone, of something long past. Familiar but so very different.

"No..." Blunt truth, blunt lies.

"Juudai."

"I can't! Not now!" Juudai choked out. Too much, too much. He wasn't able to deal with it all. He couldn't--

A pair of hands (those aren't hands) latch onto his wrists and drag him from the cocoon of shadows (LIES) that have spun around his body, thick as they are. A face, clear as day, stares at him. His eyes, topaz in color, stares directly at him, full of hope, and he smiles gently.

He looks in his eyes -- his own eyes -- just as it all shatters like a glass.

Then, Haou speaks aloud to himself as he returns to the world he is forced to survive in, eyes focusing slowly. It's likely he doesn't even realizing he's speaking.]

...When the time comes, I won't let you go. I promise.

((OOC: So like. Those of you who know GX, before you go bonking me on the head for this, allow me to explain myself. Yes, Juudai and Haou are very much the same person. HOWEVER, at the time Haou was first awakened, I have a belief that Juudai's personality split into two at the time as a result -- an unspoken that, based on some of the dialogue in the series, seems pretty feasible. While they later merged back together again when Juudai takes control of Haou's power by his own means, his first round as Haou consisted of a dominant persona and another hidden underneath that no longer had the strength of will to surface, unable to handle his own mistakes as he was.

This whole post is basically Haou trying to confirm this and get in touch with the deeply hurt Juudai he thought was gone... I mean, naturally, you're going to want to protect yourself, right? And since he wasn't done with his first time being Haou when he was pulled into ME, the personalities are schisming further apart than they normally would have as he mires himself deeper in his own all-consuming negativity.

...Okay, uh. Shoot me if you want to now that I've explained that. >>))

[28] no respite for the wicked

darkenedred — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 01:38:05 GMT

[It's a little disturbing, the livid, insane snarl that twists his lips long after the destruction of Super Fusion.

Juudai is in the park, and his presence is extremely apparent based on the large amount of dark energy manifested there, one currently being concentrated into disintegrating a rather thick tree. It's not quite fire, though it acts like it, slowly eroding away at the bark and innards of the tree until it's simply a mess of fine ash on the ground. Juudai keeps his hands on the trunk while his powers eat away at it in a painful slow-burn, a shudder wracking his shoulders every now and then.

Once he's done with one tree, he moves onto another one. And then once at least four or five trees of various thicknesses have been "burned", and ashes surround him on all sides, he drops to his knees and pounds the ground with his fists once.]

No matter how many times I do this... no matter what I destroy, no matter who I kill, no matter what I do... no matter what... it won't ever bring me any solace anymore. Even if I were to have killed her already, I still can't calm down, still can't fix anything... still can't change anything... can't... can't...

...Damn it, damn it, damn it!! But I have to keep going!

[And thus, he just continues to try and soothe himself by destroying inanimate objects around him, over and over again. He'll probably continue to do so until he tires himself out entirely.

Clearly this means he needs to be bothered some more.]

((OOC Notes: Throw anyone here without fear; Haou won't attack them physically unless they happen to be a certain dragon-hermaphrodite-Duel Monster, or unless they reeeeeally are trying to provoke him. And anyone's welcome to call him out on what he's doing, too, ehehe.))

[27] seek

darkenedred — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 01:56:21 GMT

I suppose the rewards of this outweigh the foolishness of the activity itself...

...For the upcoming newspaper, I request information from anyone willing to disclose such on the disappearances that happen here every so often. About the people themselves, not the circumstances of their disappearance. Preferably recently lost citizens, but I suppose any will do if you have enough information. Anything you know about those who have vanished: basic info, personality traits and things to remember them by, and other such things.

Anything you'd be willing to give is highly appreciated.

[Feel free to note the remarkably cold, flat tone he's taken on since his last entry. The way he's speaking suits the impersonal way he's requesting the information very well now, almost frighteningly so. Empaths and such may notice a much smaller range of emotions able to be immediately felt from him. It's pretty clear he's further closing in on himself to the point where he's forcibly stopping himself from feeling anymore, almost like he's forgetting how.]

[26]

darkenedred — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 17:39:58 GMT

...A dream.

Ahahahaha... a dream...

But I know it wasn't merely an illusion meant to scare me. There was absolute truth in it in this case. It was an emulation of what had already happened. That fire... I could hear her voice through it, surprisingly clearly. And... the voice of another. Asking what price she would pay to make it stop.

That vile creature, the Light whispering poisoned lies in her ear... always, even if it lay dormant within her as she suddenly and inexplicably forgot about it...

...As I had previously been forced to forget about her...

...Yubel...

...I need to speak to you. One more time.

And then I cannot have anything more to do with you.

No more of this. I should have known from the very beginning, should have known better than to take the chance... but I didn't. Yet another foolish mistake to count against me, I suppose. Remembering that teacher, who couldn't be faulted at all for the misfortunes in his life... he never once dueled for himself. It was always for someone else's sake, be it his family or his beloved heroic monster, decorated with the scars of hundreds of battles that were always, always to protect its master. And yet he was the one who suffered in the end, despite how he may not have deserved it.

Falling down the crevasse, together with his knight and guardian in hand...

He had ultimately done no wrong, made no wrong decisions or missteps. And still he wound up dead by my hands in the end.

And... what she must have gone through, because of my childish assumptions...

I'm not letting this go on, even if it means I have to lock myself away from everyone else as well as can be done in such a place and dispose of the key. I'm through caring; all it's ever accomplished for anyone is mindless pain. I will find Super Fusion at any cost, and I refuse to let anyone else hinder that goal in any way.

I suggest everyone else stop caring as well if you do not wish to go through the suffering that will inevitably come attached to it. And, of course, why would you?

[25] oops, relapse

darkenedred — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 18:04:17 GMT

[Fire.

Fire.

So very much of it, burning inside and out; it's like he's been thrust into his own funeral pyre prematurely -- or perhaps it really is his time to die -- and it hurts. He can hear a scream, a familiar scream; he sees great, leathery, demon-like wings enfold his conflagrating body (it is really his body?), but they, too, succumb to the all-consuming heat and flames in a short time. There's just nowhere to run.

It's almost as though he can hear a conversation going on in the background, both participants sounding so very familiar to him. In his head, someone asking him -- no, not him, someone else -- what price will have to be paid to make it all stop.

"Will you give me your body?"

"Yes... but please make it stop..."

"Your soul?"

"Yes!"

"...Will you give me Juudai?"

The pain escalates.

"Give me Juudai."

"No... no, I cannot give you Juudai. I love him more dearly than all of this."

The voice comes again:

"You have no choice."

Control flows out, light flows in.

Light.

The same Light that was, by its very nature, his enemy.

He sees himself holding that one card that ever mattered to him for one last time, its placement inside a supposedly space-resistant capsule, and then a spaceship lifting off while he watched--

And something inside his head snaps.

That little glittery bubble that is everything you are, that precious jewel that hides all your secrets and hopes, that tiny pearl of existence that makes you wake up and say you want to live today... it just snaps. He feels it, and yet he cannot scream no to everything that pours through his head.

"Please let the forces of justice in space turn Yubel into a good spirit... please, please, please..."

Those were his prayers... but instead...

Instead, the one thing that could've gone wrong, did go wrong.

She'd been tainted.

That wasn't the last he saw of her, however. Every night, in dreams, she came to him, always engulfed by fire, and crying, begging for his help, asking why, why he would do this to her... and then he would wake up then and draw himself into an impossibly small ball of a frightened little boy, unsure what he could possibly do to make it stop.

His parents worried for his mental health. They took a different approach to the situation, paying for him to undergo a technological treatment to seal off his memories of Yubel and the entire incident... and he would continue to live without her. The nightmares stopped. And continue to live he did, up until his third year of high school...

But now he had the knowledge back once more, and finally realized how his foolish and naive mistake had affected them both. She had succumbed to the Light... but she wouldn't have ever been exposed to it in the first place had he not thought such a thing would help her.

And yet other things come to mind as well. Someone had asked him once what his purpose for dueling was. To him, that was like asking him what his purpose for living was... but...

...He remembered the man telling him that he himself had never once dueled for his own sake. He ultimately couldn't hold up in the Pro Leagues, although he tried; he had to earn small amounts of fight money for his poor family, and it made him physically unwell as a result... but despite this, his beloved monster kept fighting with him, time after time. He became a teacher after retiring from the Pro Leagues, however... no one paid any attention to his lessons. He had claimed that it was Juudai's fault that they constantly ignored him, that the students' spirits had been taken from them, and that he had only ever dueled for himself, that he would never understand his words if he had no purpose to duel for, to continue living for.

And then, when the duel was over... he had fallen down the crevasse to his death, together with his beloved hero Scab Scarknight.

Professor Satou...

Finally, he comes to the conclusion that the truth was in his instinct all along. The people around him only ever end up meeting terrible fates; death, or worse than death.

He can only now hope that the fire may eventually burn everything, including his body and his soul, and that it can be left at that... because if it doesn't, if this is all just another cruel illusion by the island, the same thing will continue to happen over and over again, and his only choice will be to close in on himself tighter than ever to avoid inflicting any more damage on anyone else.

Swearing away from any and all emotional attachment for the last time, he sets out for no reason at all other than to make a futile attempt to get away from everyone and anyone, despite seeing and feeling the flames eating away all the while at his skin, his clothes, his hair... his mind.]

((OOC: Juudai will be wandering around in random places outside, moving carelessly and sluggishly with a dazed, slightly broken look on his face. As if the kid wasn't a big enough angstbucket already, ahaha. :|b

His nightmare is experiencing the same thing Yubel went through in space (burning up in the atmosphere), that he now remembers thanks to the magic of Memento Eden. Everything is set ablaze, except people, who he perceives normally. He himself feels as though he's burning in these fires as well, physically and otherwise, and looks to himself as though his very being has caught fire as well.

1% spent on remembering sending Yubel into space, 1% on parts of episodes 113-114 (the two Satou duel episodes, FOR EXTRA ANGST), and 1% on more advanced dueling skills that weren't mentioned here.))

[24] black sentiment

darkenedred — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 03:59:49 GMT

[A written post. On the paper read four kanji, each with meanings written next to them:

怒 - anger
悲 - sadness
苦 - anguish
憎 - hatred

...And then a second time. And again. And again. They are scribed many times, repeatedly, and with each written kanji, the handwriting becomes more and more hasty... or perhaps it's written sloppily out of sheer building frustration. Either way, eventually the writing turns to a mad, furious scribble, etched deeply onto the paper before the one holding the pen calms down and begins writing legibly and coherently again.]

...I see.

That mantra... it holds true still, governs my thinking; even now, in a place which has taken most of my memories. Subconsciously, I could never forget it, even if I forgot everything else. It's too deeply ingrained in me.

It's not that easy. Nothing is ever that easy. Nothing ever will be that easy.

((OOC: Aw, what the hell, I'm bored. Juudai remembers the four symbolic kanji Brron used to revive Super Fusion (not that they were sacrifices, and not the identity of the sacrifices yet), and the mantra that sparked his ultimate transformation into Haou ("to defeat evil, you must become evil"). And let's throw a basic understanding of Japanese in there too, I guess. 1% regain, 14% memory total, 0% remaining. I realized I don't actually need the last 1%, because Yubel doesn't have any to spare right now anyway, so we'd have to wait for the next memory event regardless. So here's me throwing it. :Db))

[23] what must be done

darkenedred — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 02:03:59 GMT

...I see.

What I had been after... my real reason for taking this path in my life... and the one who had given it to me in a bit of a twist.

I don't even want to say his name; it makes me feel sick just speaking it. Disgusting creature... the previous king before me. The "Mad King" of the Dark World, he certainly earned that title. Plagued by insanity... or perhaps blessed? I'm sure he would insist upon the latter, were I to ask him the same question. But of course, it would be shortly before annihilating him to the most painful extent possible, repulsive thing that he was...

He wished to create a powerful weapon from the souls of living creatures, one that could both create and destroy at the same time... whose possession fell unto me.

And my purpose was to complete it. My only purpose. Something that could fuse anything at all when activated, and couldn't be stopped by any outside force...

"Super Fusion".

...But... I no longer have it.

...Where is it. I need it back. I... have to fulfill that purpose. ~~If nothing else... then to keep it out of the vile clutches of those like him.~~

I wonder... if this is why I no longer have the one other card that was precious to me as well...

((OOC: A-Ahahaha. 1% memory spent on fragments of knowledge of Brron and Super Fusion ONLY (not actually how it happened or the sacrifice of his friends quite yet, just the concept). 1% remaining (that is being saved for a very good reason, YES I AM PLANNING SOMETHING), 13% total. Also I forgot to mention he remembered Hane Kuriboh (aka Winged Kuriboh) earlier, so... spot the reference!))

[22] ...still repairing broken brain

darkenedred — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 22:41:26 GMT

...Is that how it is...

[Private // hackable]

...She kissed me.

She kissed me.

She kissed me.

She...

.................

I'm hesitant to say it means what I think it means. However... I also don't know what to think anymore to begin with.

Even so... it's difficult to admit, but... I know there are certain feelings for her than I just cannot do away with, no matter what I do. They remain from my childhood with her; seemingly permanent, despite how she admittedly frightened me a bit as well, even though I knew she would never hurt me like she would hurt the others.

Are they... like that, though? I don't know whether to be terrified of or comforted by the notion.

...Somehow... I have a bad feeling about this. I don't know whether it's paranoia or a true foreshadowing of the end result. I just can't distinguish the two anymore. I may have to wait and see, I suppose...
[/Private]

Out of sheer curiosity: what about a party, now...?

[21]

darkenedred — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 21:30:08 GMT

...Of course it's over now. Was there ever any doubt it would be?

That was absolutely ridiculous, in any case.

[Private-but-not]

I tend to wonder lately, it seems, what became of those I remembered.

The one who stuck by me so tightly, moreso than any of the others, who I found a friend in as soon as we met... Shou. He began calling me "big brother". It's something I never seemed to think much of back then, but now, the thought won't leave me alone.

Am I deserving of such a name? What did I do to earn it? I was a foolish child back then... I remember my actions at the time and cannot help but recoil in disgust at how utterly stupid I was. I was ignorant, shallow, naive, and far too laid-back for my own good. So what did he see in me that I can't upon reflection?

What about the others? Where are they? Are they dead, perhaps? For me to be this way... did they abandon me at some point, or did I abandon them? Which is worse, I wonder?

And Yubel... perhaps once upon a time, she was important to me, more than anything. More than my parents, or the children I played with, or the rest of my belongings. That time... there was her, and no one else. It's... more deep of a bond than I want to say it was.

Something still strikes me about Johan, as well. While I haven't remembered him... he remembers me. I feel almost as though I don't need to remember him to know him, though. But... at the same time, there is a great distance between us, despite the practically magnetic, charismatic pull he exudes. I don't really know him, in truth. And yet I don't know whether I really want to or not.

I still don't understand what anyone sees in me now. There's just so many ugly things inside me, things that are so difficult to see beyond. Anger and frustration, yes. Pride, hatred, impatience, bitterness, greed, fury, arrogance... But I am forced to hold them all back. If I don't, they'll destroy everything around me.

But in the end... this will be worth the trouble of keeping everyone at a safe distance away from me. They won't harm me, and I won't have to harm them.

The effort to stop it from happening... just isn't worth it...

[20]

darkenedred — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 22:07:29 GMT

[Private // hackable]

...There's more, it seems.

I was assigned to a room in the lowest-ranking dorm with the smaller girl called Shou... and there was a third roommate there as well, a pudgy, somewhat grumpy and lazy girl... that... looked like a koala.

Odd.

The room was small and had only the bare essentials, and the food was low-quality... but I still liked it somehow. I had always been decently well-off at home... so perhaps the switch was refreshing, in a way. None of the drawbacks bothered me.

...Shou... she took to calling me "aniki" from then on, too. "Big brother"... ~~even though with the gender changes, that makes very little sense...~~

..............

Ah... I remember a few more faces, as well... a rather haughty girl in the highest dorm, Manjoume Jun, and a boy amidst all the girls I'd met, Tenjoin Asuka. The boy seemed nice enough, I suppose, but the girl seemed both intrigued and almost personally offended that I defeated a teacher using her own personal deck, and that I placed in the lowest dorm on top of that -- there was a bit of a hierarchy within the school, it seemed, and a large amount of elitism amongst the highest ranking students, as well as bias against the two lower dorms. There was a surprisingly great gap between the second highest dorm and the highest dorm in terms of respect and how well-off they were.

Manjoume challenged me to a duel in secret that night at midnight, taking the risk of getting caught and expelled. So I accepted... and won. We were almost caught, and probably would have been had it not been for Asuka alerting us before the guards came.

...And of course, I'm remembering the genders wrong, it seems. Hopefully this will rectify itself soon.

It's quite a bit challenging to get used to this new, ah... center of gravity...

((OOC: ...Yeah, I dunno why I didn't just do this at the outset. 1% spent on Juudai's first day/night at Duel Academia and his secret nighttime duel with Manjoume -- basically the entirety of episode 2. So 12% total, 2% remaining.

Also note that I'm kinda sorta speculating and drawing from my headcanon on Juudai being from a well-off family -- it's never explicitly stated, but I'd assume from what we see of his family life that he was living comfortably. I mean, how else would his family be able to afford the latest memory erasing technology, right?

Just a minor detail, though. It makes sense to me, anyway, and the financial status of his family doesn't really affect any of his canon, so.))

[19]

darkenedred — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 11:21:20 GMT

......................

I...

...No.

I refuse to say it. Absolutely not.

[Private // hackable]

...That teacher... Chronos de Medici. Not a very feminine name for a woman, however... but it seems I'm having the same problem everyone else is when it comes to this.

I... perhaps Johan was right. I defeated her in the high school entrance exams with my own deck -- different from the one I have now -- and yet, she was using her own deck instead of a testing deck...

Was it truly that great of a feat?

There were a few I met there, as well... a rather intellectual girl, Misawa Daichi, and a meeker, much less confident girl, Marufuji Shou... from the very beginning, we got along well.

...But neither Yubel nor Johan is anywhere to be found, it seems. Yubel was in my childhood, yet she is not there at the age of what is presumably fifteen...

What happened...?

((OOC: 2% spent on remembering the entrance exams, i.e. the beginning of the anime. 11% total, 1% for genderswitch remaining, 2% otherwise remaining.))

[18] the dark is white

darkenedred — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 11:26:01 GMT

...There's something else.

A light... a terrible, hollow light. It scalds the mind by simply looking at it, being in its presence.

According to this memory... it is nothing but sheer, wretched evil. It takes its victims by telling them what they want to hear, promising them something they desire above all else... and that is what causes them to submit.

An enemy to life itself.

An abomination of existence.

And... my antithesis.

The "Light of Destruction"...

But then... what does that make me?

((OOC: Using another 1% from Tanabata for scraps of memory on the Light of Destruction; 9% total, 2% remaining.))

[17]

darkenedred — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 01:04:29 GMT

...I can only imagine this place makes a concerted effort to kill me on a daily basis now.

Yubel, I issue you this warning only. I don't care, frankly, if anyone else sees it.

Stay away from me. Don't talk to me anymore. Stop trying to understand me, to affect me, to change me. Your efforts are in vain, I can tell you this right now, and they may turn out to be detrimental to yourself if you do not stop. The only effect your attempts at provoking me have is to frustrate me further.

I don't need this. I don't need your help. I don't need you.

~~...And to think I was never sure what to think of you in the beginning. I remember... the way you hurt everyone around me. I didn't know whether to... love you... or hold it against you...~~

I'm not in control of this situation. This cannot continue. To make me feel so small and unimportant, so... ridiculously foolish...

It isn't true. I know it isn't true. Yet here I am, despairing and outraged and defensive, all formerly collected emotions scattered to the winds. I cannot hurt her physically, so perhaps... I have to allow it to happen emotionally... to feel such negativity so powerfully...

..................

...Something has to be done. I have to get myself together. Before such attempts at breaking me manage to get anywhere.

((OOC: Lol Yubel/Juudai wut. <3))

[16]

darkenedred — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 01:38:21 GMT

[Night... the night had always held such promise, such serene privacy, a sense of being enfolded in darkness and unconcerned by anything. Although it is fairly early into this night, it's suitably dark for hiding someone like him.

Like any relationship, though, there was always a chance the night could betray those it sheltered, stab them in the back and twist the knife agonizingly slowly... without really touching them at all.

Juudai -- Haou -- is out, in his armor, with his mask down. He doesn't want to be approached, recognized, or so much as looked at now. He is well aware that someone could realize who he was and point out the incredible hypocrisy of such an action as daring to show his face outside after making such a huge deal about not doing so earlier, but he's decided to take a chance with such a result.

It is worth the risk, though, he thinks, if he can start to understand more about himself this way...]

((OOC: lol, here's me, saying I'm going to be leaving for the weekend and that replies would be scarce... and what do I do not a day later but go and post with someone. Special, amirite?

Anyway, the point of this post... is to get Haou really, really pissed. D: Because he needs to A) figure out he actually DOES have powers (even if not how to control them) and B) perhaps get his ass kicked in the process. Do feel free to recognize his armor, because it's... pretty noticeable. >>;))

[15] another day, another disaster

darkenedred — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 01:43:02 GMT

.............

So it occurs to me that if I cannot even bother to go outside of the apartment to get food every day, I probably deserve to starve to death.

((OOC: Feel free to note that he has not been seen outside at all since the whole "obsessively paranoid of hurting friends" thing, and only occasionally when it's time to eat; and even then, as this post suggests, he's not going as often as he ought to be going. Baw, emo kid. ~~I so am looking for a reason to post without spending teh memory just yet.~~))

[14] That's why...

darkenedred — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 17:47:22 GMT

.............

Ahaha... I see... I see now...

Firstly... Yubel. You are a Duel Monster. When I was young, I received your card as a gift from my father. I remember we were very close... because my parents were working all the time, day and night, so I had few others to coexist with. How I knew you in particular had a spirit, so unlike the rest of my cards... I don't know that quite yet.

But I also remember... oh, I remember it too well now... every time I would invite a neighborhood friend over to curb the loneliness... it was always mere wishful thinking, because you hurt them in one way or another. Every time... I hated it.

Yet... that's not quite as important. Perhaps for you, Yubel, if you do not remember it, it will be a bit of insight into who and what you are.

More importantly...

...I knew it. I knew there had to be a reason... why I was always like this...

My name... no, it isn't Juudai. It's Haou... "Supreme King". Ruler of darkness... why darkness? I don't know, but... it was because all I ever did was hurt everyone around me... and the only way to make it stop...

Ahahahaha. Pointless. This has all been so utterly pointless the whole time... the efforts I made, they always seemed to be in vain before now, and then... when it turns out that is indeed the truth...

...The wish I made will never come true now. This just seals that fate.

Such a waste...

((OOC: 1% spent on remembering his early childhood, 1% spent on the basic memory of Haou's identity, 3% unspent, 5% total.))

[13]

darkenedred — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 01:37:02 GMT

[Private // hackable]

It's not... it's not technically being selfish, is it...?

And I certainly can't go back and change it now, however pointless it was. Even so... I suppose just wishing things would change, as if angels will descend from on high and make it so since I asked... that won't do anyone any good.

This place is proof of that.

[/Private]

...A festival, too?

...............

Hm.

And I haven't yet contributed the star piece... I suppose I ought to do so.