all at once everything looks different

let's be real for a moment here

daikenkai — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 07:41:39 GMT

Okay, guys. I know I haven't updated in a really long time and I know there are people out there who are like "who is daikenkai/Musa?" and that's okay. I had to make the decision of defriending people lately because I realize I would just click the "add friend" button and not bother seeing if we had anything in common.

I know it's not actually LiveJournal Defriending Amnesty Day, but I decided to copy and paste the sentiments from that day (back in like '06 lol), because they are exactly what I am wanting to express!

Many people have a lot of friends on their list. Some they like, some they know in real life, some they never read, some they added in haste and feel too guilty to remove themselves.

Well worry no more. Today is a de-friending amnesty day. If you added me to your friends list and you never read what I write or don't like what I write or just don't want my often pointless and generalizing ramblings cluttering up your friends pages any more, today is the day to unfriend me. Do it. Go ahead, don't feel bad about it. No worries. No grudges. That's what LiveJournal Amnesty Day is all about. Everyone has names on their friends list that they haven't the heart to get rid of because they're harmless really, but you just don't read what they write any more. Don't worry about it if I am that person on your list. No need for comments or explanations why - just unfriend me and we shall go our merry ways.

comments disabled. feel free to copypasta as you'd like. it's a good concept!

daikenkai — Thu, 02 Dec 2010 02:14:38 GMT

made a friends cut! I deleted journals that never updated and people I don't talk with anymore. if I've deleted you and you wish to be re-added, comment here. ♥

Writer's Block: Collector's piece ...

daikenkai — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 08:42:45 GMT

My first writer's block post! I couldn't resist.

I collect playbills! For those of you that don't know what they are, they're the little booklets you get when you go see a play. I have around 50 of them and a lot of them are autographed by cast members. I don't live in New York, so mine are a mix of national tours, local productions, & the 3 shows I saw (multiple times) on Broadway. Theatre means so much to me and is a big part of who I am. I've seen a lot of shows multiple times and I have playbills from each time I saw every show. That's the amazing thing about live theatre: every show is different. So every playbill I have will remind me of that show.

I have a playbill from every show I've ever seen (minus a few) - starting with my first one: The national tour of Beauty & the Beast at the Music Hall in Dallas in 1997 to my most recent one: RENT at the Country Playhouse in Houston. I was seven years old when I went to my first show. SEVEN YEARS OLD. I am so glad my parents took me. I feel like theatre has kept me sane and I love just looking through my old playbills from time to time. :)

My full collection:
Beauty & the Beast - Music Hall at Fair Park in Dallas, TX 1997 (national tour)
Oliver! - Tolbert Theatre: Stage Center in Oklahoma City, OK 2003 (local production)
Chess - Civic Center Music Hall in Oklahoma City, OK 2004 (local production)
Jesus Christ Superstar - Civic Center Music Hall in Oklahoma City, OK 2005 (local production)
Hairspray - Civic Center Music Hall in Oklahoma City, OK 2006 (national tour)
Blast! - Civic Center Music Hall in Oklahoma City, OK 2006 (national tour)
RENT - Rose State Performing Arts Center in Midwest City, OK 2006 (national tour)
Footloose - Westmoore Auditorium in Moore, OK 2007 (HS Production)*
Wicked - Civic Center Music Hall in Oklahoma City, OK 2007 (national tour)
Little Shop of Horrors - Sooner Theatre in Norman, OK 2007 (local production)
The Pajama Game - Westmoore Auditorium in Moore, OK 2007 (HS Production)*
bare - KD Studio Theatre in Dallas, TX 2008 (local production)
Spamalot(x2) - Civic Center Music Hall in Oklahoma City, OK 2008 (national tour)
Avenue Q (x2) - Bass Performance Hall in Ft. Worth, TX 2008 (national tour)
Beauty & the Beast - Derby Dinner Playhouse in Clarksville, IN 2008 (local production)
Spring Awakening(x3) - Eugene O'Neill Theatre in New York, NY 2008 (Broadway)
In the Heights - Richard Rogers Theatre in New York, NY 2008 (Broadway)
[title of show](x2) - Lyceum Theatre in New York, NY 2008 (Broadway)
Hair - Delacorte Theatre [located in the middle of Central Park] in New York, NY 2008 (Broadway)
The Pajama Game - Civic Center Music Hall in Oklahoma City, OK 2008 (national tour)
Spring Awakening(x2) - Fox Theatre in St. Louis, MO 2009 (national tour)
The Lion King - Civic Center Music Hall in Oklahoma City, OK 2009 (national tour)
RENT - Music Hall at Fair Park in Dallas, TX 2009 (national tour)
Sprink Awakening(x6) - The Kentucky Center in Louisville, KY 2009 (national tour)
The Drowsy Chaperone - Civic Center Music Hall in Oklahoma City, OK 2009 (national tour)
The Music Man - Civic Center Music Hall in Oklahoma City, OK 2009 (local production)
The Producers - Civic Center Music Hall in Oklahoma City, OK 2009 (local production)
Spring Awakening(x2) - Music Hall in Kansas City, MO 2009 (national tour)
Bat Boy - Burg Theatre at Oklahoma City University in Oklahoma City, OK 2009 (college production)
Legally Blonde - Civic Center Music Hall in Oklahoma City, OK 2010 (national tour)
RENT - Country Playhouse in Houston, TX 2010 (local production)
Cats - Civic Center Music Hall in Oklahoma City, OK 2010 (national tour - sunblossom brought it back for me as I wasn't able to attend!)
[title of show] - Ghostlight Theatre Club in Oklahoma City, OK 2010 (local production)
Beauty and the Beast - Winspear Opera House in Dallas, TX 2010 (national tour)
RENT - Rupel L. Jones Theatre at OU in Norman, OK 2010 (college production)
Beauty and the Beast - Civic Center Music Hall in Oklahoma City, OK 2011 (national tour)
Avenue Q(x2) - Performing Arts Center in Tulsa, OK 2011 (national tour)
Oliver! - Civic Center Music Hall in Oklahoma City, OK 2011 (local production)
Memphis - Shubert Theatre in New York, NY 2011 (Broadway - a friend of mine got it for me while she was in NY!)
Peter Pan - Civic Center Music Hall in Oklahoma City, OK 2011 (national tour)
Quilters - Freede Little Theatre at the Civic Center Music Hall in Oklahoma City, OK 2011 (local production)*
Spring's Awakening (play) - Old Science Hall at OU in Norman, OK 2011 (college production)
Sunday in the Park with George - Holmberg Hall at OU in Norman, OK 2011 (college production)

Special Playbills:
Wicked 5th Anniversary playbill (Broadway)
Hairspray closing night playbill (Broadway)
RENT closing night playbill (Broadway)

* denotes shows I've performed in

My collection means so much to me. A couple of my playbills are damaged and, while I will never sell them, it decreases the value to me if there's even a smudge of anything on them. All too often I'll go see a show and someone just throws their playbill away or on the ground. It saddens me so much. They're collector's items (to me, anyway)! I'm also a little sad that, looking back on my collection, I don't have every single one of my playbills, but I have just about every single one! I think I'm missing the playbills from about 5 shows and that's it. That's pretty impressive, I'd say!

Sorry for such a long entry, flist, but I just love talking about my collection and I love showing it to people! One of these days I'll take a big photo of all my playbills and compile a list of every show I've seen ever. :)

I love theatre so much.

♥

updated 22 oct 11

gaga ooh la la

daikenkai — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 00:30:16 GMT

!!!WARNING: this post is image-heavy
So it's been almost two weeks since one of the best nights of my life: January 7, 2010, Lady Gaga live in St. Louis. I can't believe I haven't done a report yet, omg.

I know Lady Gaga is a love or hate kind of thing, but I absolutely fucking LOVE her. Love her so so so much. I never thought I would love an artist so much, but I do. ♥

The trip TO St. Louis was pretty painless and the weather started to get bad RIGHT when we checked in for the night. :) the newscasters kept saying the weather was going to be awful the day of the concert, but it really wasn't. It was fucking COLD as HALE, but the snow was very dry and the roads were completely clear.

When we actually got to St. Louis, it was almost surreal. Momma and I were screaming "omg 20 minutes" "omg 5 minutes" etc. until we made it into the city and it didn't seem like we were ever going to make it!

We made it from St. Robert to St. Louis in a little under 2 hours so we made perfect time! We didn't know if the hotel was going to let us check in early, but the guy immediately saw us and said "you here for the concert?" and checked us in. The hotel lobby was so CUTE! I wish I had gotten a picture. :(

We didn't have to be at the theatre until 4:30 (we had the VIP tix) so we went downstairs and played on our computers for a bit. I finished getting ready and after what seemed FOREVER waiting for a taxi, we got to the theatre and got in line! I actually was standing next to Gabe Violett's sister. :) We talked a lot about Spring Awakening and Oklahoma; apparently they visit here often!

The VIP "party" was actually pretty cool. We got a drink ticket (of which I gave to Momma since I can't use it haha), had lots of awesome hors d'oeuvres and got to talk to fans. We found the CUTEST gay boys down there and they loved my outfit, so we took a photo together. They ended up sitting right in front of us for the concert!

Around 6 o'clock we were allowed to go upstairs to look at merch, so I went and got me and lex shirts and I got a tour book coz it had pretty pictures. Virgin Mobile had a thing upstairs where you could get your photo taken by a professional photographer, so I did. :P I never say no to pictures, haha. (it did not turn out how I was expecting, but I like it!)

We waited around for the gay boys that bought my extra pair of tickets and they arrived around 6:45. We met up with them, hugged, screamed a little, took pics, and chatted. They are ABSOLUTELY adorable and I can't wait to go back to STL to visit them!

The concert itself.
Oh my god. That's really all I can say, haha.

The opening act was a band called Semi-Precious Weapons. I really liked their music, but the lead singer was quiiiiite abrasive. :x It was cool in the beginning, but he just kept being obnoxious about it. Ah well, I enjoyed the music! It's so sad because he looks better in a dress and heels than most WOMEN do! He even like--went into the audience and was grinding on people and feeding us champagne... yeah. Awesome. I wish I had gotten better pictures of SPW but I was trying to fix the settings on my camera but they all came out bad. :(

Jason Derulo was next and he was uninteresting. :/ I didn't like him before and I certainly didn't like him live... he sang like a 5-song set and he kept being like "are you gonna be my girl? be my soulmate?" and stuff and even sang a song to a girl onstage! The old lady next to me, during his whole set, was like "YOU SUCK. GIVE US GAGA!" I totally agree! i just. do not like R&B normally, and I'm also pissed that he sampled Imogen Heap's "Hide & Seek."

He played a hella fucking long set and it took EVEN LONGER for Gaga to come out! They just kept playing Michael Jackson. Which. I love MJ, but I was there for Gaga, not him!

It felt like it was 3 hours till Gaga took the stage, but she finally did and I could not stop jumping up and down. The opening of "Dance in the Dark" played over and over and there was a countdown on the screen, but I just could not wait for her to come onstage. When she finally appeared behind the screen with her dancers, I started crying. Not just crying, BAWLING. Hysterically. I don't know what came over me, I just fucking lost it. I was so in shock/awe that we were there, seeing her, that she was in the SAME ROOM as me, and how awesomely she was performing. Just. Ugh. omg.

I kept crying all through the show. Her performances were just so absolutely mind-blowing and she was giving everything her all, despite having to rush to St. Louis. (She was in Vegas doing a press conference earlier in the day) Her mic kept going out during LoveGame and a couple of songs at the beginning of the show and I felt so bad for her. :( You could tell how annoyed she was, but she just held her mic closer to her face and sang through it! She's such a trooper.

I lost count of how many times I cried throughout the show. Her "Speechless" performance had me in tears, obvs, and I was just so happy I could die. She had so many costume changes and the videos onscreen during them were CRAZY. One of them, in particular, had a girl gagging herself and puking blue shit onto her. CRAZY, I SAY. (In my fb photo album, I actually got shots of said screen and when you view it in succession, it's like watching the video)

She came onstage and let us know numerous times how much she loved us and that she would NEVER cancel a show due to weather, and how much she loved performing in St. Louis. She even posted about us on twitter :) The Westboro Baptist Church was supposed to protest our show and she constantly talked about how much she loved gays and hated people like the WBC. It was absolutely awesome.

afhbkmaefg seriously the show was like sex for the eyes. She did so many cool things, the visuals were awesome, her costumes were cray cray, her dancers... OMG her dancers. Sometimes I would watch her dancers more than I would watch her! They put 200% into all the dancing like Gaga does for the singing. During "Alejandro," I believe it was, one of the dancers even simulated like he was giving her oral sex and I about DIED. I sadly did not get a pic of it, but. The image is always there in my mind. XD

I lost count of how many times I cried. After the show was over and everyone left the stage, I just sat in my chair with my eyes wide and mouth agape. Then I looked at Momma and just started BAWLING. It was truly an emotional, spiritual, experience.

GOD I CANNOT WAIT TILL SHE COMES BACK TO THE US. \o/ If she comes close to OK (or even back to STL, idc!) I am so going. And I am going to buy the M&G tix, provided she does those again. The one thing that could have made the concert more amazing was meeting her. We were going to wait outside the theatre after the show to do so, but momma went into sensory overload and she could barely walk or move. We sat in the nurse's station for a good hour, then took a taxi back to the hotel.

Even when we got back to the hotel I was crying like crazy! It was just so amazing. Such a wonderful, beautiful concert.

TO MAKE A WONDERFUL END TO OUR TRIP: Dad called me after we had ate lunch at White Castle (♥) to inform me that our Lady Gaga Heartbeats and VIP laminate had arrived!

Some of my favorite photos that we took:

The drive home was just as awesome as the drive up. Momma and I just talked about how amazing Gaga was, listened to Gaga the entire time, and talked about life. She's definitely my motivation to get my shit together this year. Love you, Momma! ♥

I still can't believe I got to see her live. I am truly truly lucky. :)

♥

ALL of the photos can be viewed at my facebook page! the link should work; let me know if it doesn't and I'll get them all up on flickr. :)

public for two weeks, after that, entry will be LOCKED.

major friends cut.

daikenkai — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 11:38:04 GMT

People on my flist have been doing this and frankly I think it's a good idea. I'm jumping on the bandwagon, I know. (ilu Grace and Mandee!)

I've deleted everyone (except for some icon/fic/art journals I follow) on my friendslist. The deal is simple: if you want to be added back, just comment. That's really it. If I decide not to add you back, then it was nice knowing you. I know I'm not the best at commenting everyone's journals, but my friendslist is effing huge and with a significantly smaller one, it'll be a helluva lot easier. I promise to work on that and comment everybody more often. I know some of you I just recently added, so I'm sorry! I love you guys, I really do!

Happy commenting!

fic: touch me, hanschen/ernst - pg-13

daikenkai — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 07:14:19 GMT

Title: Touch Me
Author: daikenkai
Fandom: Spring Awakening
Pairing: Hanschen/Ernst
Rating: PG-13/light R? I dunno.
Word Count: 495
Note: This is... really short because it's supposed to be a pr0n!fic. I haven't finished the smut part yet so this is what you get! Plus, I like how I ended it. :P

He always wondered what it felt like. He had heard stories from Melchior Gabor, but he wanted to feel it for himself. Once, just once in Ernst’s life, he wanted to feel things everyone else felt. He wanted to feel normal.

But he knew he wasn’t normal. Not the way he looked at other boys the way he did. He would be in church on Sundays, chastising himself for the way he looked at Hänschen. He’d force himself to think about his future as a country pastor, with his wife and his library and his chickens… But then Hänschen would take him to the vineyard after church. Hänschen would kiss him, and somehow he’d always manage to change his mind. Hänschen would make him feel like nothing was wrong with him, that these feelings he had were right.

It was Sunday. After church let out, he waited for Hänschen at their secret place in the vineyard. He leaned against a tree, their tree, his knees up against his chest. Ernst turned his gaze toward the sky, watching as the clouds swirled into different shapes.

“Haven’t I told you not to look sad?” Ernst probably wouldn’t have noticed him there if it weren’t for the leaves crunching against Hänschen’s boots.

“Hänschen!” Ernst yelped, snapping out of his daze. He stood up, hands in his pockets, unsure of what to say to the blonde boy.

“‘Hänschen!’ is all I get? That’s no way to greet me, Ernst,” he spoke coyly as he stepped closer to Ernst against the tree.

“Sorry,” he said softly. “You frightened me is all. I was just thinking about things…” he trailed off, losing himself in Hänschen’s green eyes.

“Thinking? I didn’t think people did that anymore. Frowning doesn’t suit you, Ernst,” he said as he traced along Ernst’s lips. Hänschen smiled at the other boy, gently pressing their lips together.

Ernst’s wide eyes fluttered closed involuntarily, and he could feel his frown melting away. He pulled Hänschen closer to him, moaning into their kiss. Behind his eyelids he dreamed the same dream he always did: their bodies stuck together with sweat, their fingers laced together, the… oh god.

Ernst pulled away, trying to catch his breath. “H-Hänschen,” he stuttered, voice almost a whimper. He bit his lip, feeling his pants start to constrict. He didn’t know how much longer he could stand it.

“What is it?” Hänschen asked, tracing along Ernst’s lip again.

“I-I…” Ernst didn’t know if he could say it. He’d never been one to take risks, but he definitely believed in the motto ‘there’s a first time for everything.’ Ernst unbuttoned his shirt, peeling it off his shoulders. He took Hänschen’s hand, letting it trace the contours of his chest. He started to guide it further, stopping at the heat in his pants. “Touch me,” he whispered against Hänschen’s ear, guiding Hänschen’s hand under the fabric of Ernst’s pants.

Hänschen grinned. He didn’t need Ernst to say anything more.

rp: melchioritz ii

daikenkai — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 20:50:04 GMT

Authors: Melchior - daikenkai
Moritz - nummy_cream_puf
Pairing: Melchioritz
Fandom: Spring Awakening
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Melchior chases after Moritz when he runs away after their night together. It starts to rain, so they hide in the hayloft and sexyiemz ensue. ~~Worst summary ever, but hey. :|~~
Warnings: Lots of sex: Beej, rimming, lap sex. Aaaangst. Some fluff, too!
Word Count: 8,089
Notes: Follow-up to the first RP. It turned out a lot longer than I thought it would, but I am very proud of it and I know Sarah is too. :D I'm pretty sure this pairing is my OTP now. Like, srsly. We've been working on this for like a week and it has been OWNING MY LIFE. Read it and you will see why~ ♥♥
ETA: While reading this aloud to my friend, I realized that I left out a VERY PIVOTAL POST. D: You don't have to go back and read it, but. I left out a pretty big chunk. XD; I REALLY NEED TO NOT FAIL AT EDITING NEXT TIME.

Moritz had raced home, luckily finding his parents already gone. He couldn't take this anymore-- couldn't keep doing this. Little things going wrong had littered his life, but certainly, this was one of the biggest mistakes he had ever made. Moritz found it-- the gun he often stared at, sometimes even held, on the evenings after school when his parents were out to town. It was a bitterly cold piece of comfort that should things get too tough, there was already this way out...

He didn't sleep that night, milling over everything-- no, he didn't sleep for fear of those dreams. Moritz wanted it all to end with a somewhat clear subconscious. Instead, he replayed and replayed that evening's events, blushing fiercely every time he recalled what Melchior had done. He tried to ignore that part-- though that was the whole problem...

Once dawn came, Moritz left his room, pausing at the door to his parent's room. He could hear them sleeping within. He wouldn't disturb them- not now, not ever. No longer would they be burdened with him as their son.

Moritz spent most of the morning trudging through the forest. Where could he do this? He didn't think he wanted to be found- at least not at first... He crossed the bridge, staring down at the rapidly moving water. It had stormed the previous night and already Moritz could see another one on the horizon. He wondered if he killed himself before the rain, what all the water would do to the blood...

Then he heard the call of his name and Moritz nearly jumped out of his skin. Without turning around, he knew who it was and yet still, Moritz turned to look.

"Melchior..."

--

Melchior doubled over, clutching his chest as he tried to catch his breathing. He had run into the forest, knowing full well where Moritz would retreat.

"Moritz," he breathed, trying to walk closer to the other boy. "Please just talk to me. It doesn't have to be like this!" He looked up at the sky, searching for nothing in particular.

"Please, Moritz."

--

Moritz was too frightened at first to say anything, though he was worried about Melchior as he bent over to catch his breath briefly. He didn't dare move as Melchior moved forward, instead staying pressed against the railing of the bridge.

"...Be like what?" Moritz asked dumbly, playing stupid. There was no way-- no, certainly Melchior didn't know... his hand fell to his pocket, feeling the heavy object within, making sure Melchior couldn't see it.

He was dressed in his Sunday best- his shoes polished and his jacket ironed. His tie wasn't askew for once and Moritz had even managed to keep his socks pulled up all day.

--

"I..." he sighed, feeling it was best to keep his distance from Moritz; he stayed a good 100 feet away.

"I just... I know I crossed the line earlier and I shouldn't have done that. However, you didn't have to run away from me, Moritz. I'm your best friend! If you run away from me, who else can you go to?" Sick of the dead air between them, he walked toward the bridge and stood next to him. "How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?"

--

Moritz turned away from Melchior as he talked, staring once more at the rush of water beneath his feet.

So Melchior was talking about yesterday...

"I know Melchior but-- what happened... that isn't normal. Friends don't-- do that..." He mumbled weakly, only then realizing that Melchior had said he was Moritz's best friend-- he hadn't denied it? Or tried to sever all ties?

--

"Who's to say it isn't normal, Moritz? Are you trying to tell me that those feelings we feel aren't normal? I'm not going to lie and say I did the right thing but I’m also not going to deny ever doing it, either!"

He tried to step closer to Moritz, following his gaze to the calming water beneath them. "Moritz..." Melchior sighed, running a finger through his curly, disheveled hair. "I don't know what to do either, okay? But I’m not going to let you just run away from it as if it never happened.”

--

He should have expected this outburst from Melchior, but still he cringed slightly all the same from his friend's words. Moritz supposed he was right-- in fact, he knew he couldn't ignore it. But it was so much easier-- so less painful...he already had to deal with so much pain already.

Moritz looked up from the water, seeing the clouds getting darker, closer. The wind was picking up as the storm blew in. Damnit-- he would have to wait until after...

"Melchi, the storm..." Moritz said, not averting his eyes from the oncoming clouds.

--

Melchior looked at the clouds forming above him, holding out a hand to catch a rain droplet. "Well what do you know, it's raining." He wasn't fazed by the rain at all. Sure, it was going to get cold soon, but he was going to talk to Moritz - no matter what it took.

"Come on," Melchior said, leading Moritz away from the bridge. "We'll catch cold if we stay out here. We can stay in the hayloft until the storm passes."

--

Moritz supposed that he couldn't lose Melchior before the storm-- he would just have to get rid of him once it passed. Moritz didn't want an audience for this-- didn't even want Melchior to know until after he had gone through with it. He knew that Melchior would just get angry and try to talk him down from it.

"Alright..." Moritz said meekly, following Melchior off the bridge and through the small field to the abandoned barn on the edge near the woods. All the children loved to play here, even though their parents said it was unsafe. The hayloft though still had large amounts of hay left, that the children all loved to lay in or play and hide-and-go-seek in. Moritz supposed that as older kids they could use it simply as a place of refuge.

He wished they could once more be wistful children playing hide-and-go-seek...

Moritz was somewhat afraid of heights, but he clenched his eyes shut as he moved up the ladder into the hayloft, focusing on putting one foot above another until he finally scrambled onto the landing behind Melchior.

--

Melchior backed up against the wall of the hayloft, still keeping his distance from Moritz. He didn't want to, but he knew that's what Moritz wanted right now and he didn't want to make it any worse for him. He had already fucked up once.

"You don't have to stay in here. Just until the storm passes," Melchior said quietly, almost finding the sounds of rain to be comforting.

He pulled his knees to his chest, waiting for Moritz to speak. He looked around the hayloft, seeing all the pieces of hay in random places about the building. He smiled to himself, remembering all the times when he, Ilse, Wendla, and Moritz played hide-and-seek. Being a kid was so easy. You didn't have a care in the world, didn't have to worry about anything... But they were growing up now, and they needed to figure things out for themselves. He sighed, looking up at the ceiling. "I'm sorry," he said after a while, almost too quietly for Moritz to hear.

--

Moritz watched as Melchior moved. Did he not want to be near him? Something hard and heavy felt like it was pressing down on his chest and so Moritz simply sat in a small bit of hay a good amount away from Melchior. His legs folded in that childish manner in instinct, but then Moritz shifted, adjusting so that his legs ran straight out in front of him. He would sit like an adult. He needed to at some point in his life.

Just barely, he was able to hear Melchior's apology over the rain as it started to pick up, a clap of thunder sounding in the distance. Moritz would have counted the seconds between the bolt of lightning and the next sound of thunder, but his mind wasn't in the right place for such light-hearted antics.

"...Don't be. Please." Moritz pleaded softly, his eyes staring down at the hay, fingers picking absentmindedly at the itchy grain. "Just-- please know it’s not your fault."

Once he was gone, he didn't want Melchior blaming himself for this-- it was all Moritz. All things wrong with him.

--

"How can I not be?" Melchior questioned, crawling on his knees to sit in front of Moritz now. "I... I let my wants get the best of me. But can you blame me, Moritz?" Melchior had a habit of ranting and raving when he felt strongly, and this was one of those times. He wanted to tell Moritz the kind of things he dreamt about at night... whom he dreamt about, but it would only make things worse.

Melchior looked at the ground, picking up a piece of hay as he twisted it in his fingers. The sounds of thunder and lightning only seemed to get stronger, so he knew they were going to be in there for a while.

Melchior didn't look up from the ground as he spoke next. "Do you regret it?"

--

Moritz bit on the inside of his lip as Melchior ranted, not sure he could take this fighting. Perhaps it would be better to leave Melchior like this. He felt anxious as he got closer, afraid he would find the gun, would get even more enraged... Moritz checked his pocket, making sure his jacket securely covered the bulge.

His eyes stayed down however when Melchior asked him that question-- his eyes widened a bit and he stared at his friend. That was a good question-- did he? Moritz thought about it silently, replaying the event in his head, blushing just lightly, before he finally said, "No... I don't think I do..."

--

Melchior looked up, seeing the blush on Moritz's cheeks - and that spoke more words than anything did. He moved a bit closer, feeling the cold from the storm starting to hit them in the hayloft. "Then why make such a deal out of it, Moritz? Do you think people would look at you differently if they found out? Just look at Hanschen and Ernst. No one thinks anything of what they do, and they do much worse things than we did last night..."

Melchior moved closer still, feigning to try to explain to Moritz what he meant. If the time was right, he would. Instead, he just picked up some more hay, laying it on his lap. Out of all his friends, why was it Moritz he had to drive away? He was the one he needed the most...

--

Moritz's face reddened even worse as he talked of Ernst and Hanschen. He knew only vaguely what they did from what Melchior told him, and even that was a stretch. Melchior hadn't covered such things in the essay...

"I-I..." Moritz took a shaky breath before finally saying softly, for once expressing how he truly felt, "I was afraid-- if we did things like that-- we wouldn't be friends any more... and you wouldn't like me any more... "

--

Melchior moved so close to Moritz that their legs were touching. He figured it was now or never. Say something, Melchior! "Moritz...." he started, looking at the hay for reassurance.

"I wouldn't have even asked to do any of that to you if I didn't want to do it myself. It took a lot out of me to just do what we did." He felt his cheeks get pink as well. "Moritz, no matter what we go through, I will always be your friend-" he stopped himself from adding something else to the end of that sentence, "and I'll never quit liking you. Ever, Moritz." He could feel his hands shaking, his fingers trembling, and he doubted it was from the cold. Had he said too much?

--

Moritz shifted a bit as Melchior moved even closer, his fingers pulling rather anxiously at the hay as his eyes moved from his lap to Melchior and then back again.

However, as Melchior confessed how they would never stop being friends, Moritz smiled lightly. It was a rather sad smile-- he felt guilty now for what he was going to do. Would it be more painful for them to be resolved or unresolved when Moritz died...? He supposed it was better this way...better knowing that at least Melchior had still cared for him in the end.

"I'll like you forever too, Melchior... so-- please don't blame yourself." Moritz pleaded. He couldn't tell him-- but he needed to know. Melchior would understand later.

--

Moritz bit his tongue, not telling Melchior anything-- he couldn't...he would just try to talk him out of it. Then Melchior was leaning into kiss him again and his breath caught in his throat and his back stiffened. Did he want this--? What would happen if--?

But before Moritz could worry, his body had already leaned forward, closing the bit of space and pressing his lips to Melchior's. Moritz realized it didn't matter-- he could make one final, huge mistake with Melchior, because in the end, Moritz wouldn't have to face the shame or the possible repercussions.

--

Melchior almost kicked himself for being so impulsive, but he could tell by Moritz's reaction that he wanted it too. He inched himself closer to Moritz, never pulling away from his lips. Melchior's heart started to beat faster, and he couldn't help himself from moaning.

Yesterday might have been a mistake, but today... today wasn't. Not in his book. He put a little more pressure against Moritz's lips, parting his lips slightly.

He wanted to show Moritz how much he cared. How much he loved him. He couldn't bring himself to put words to what he was feeling, so he decided to show him instead. Moritz seemed more accustomed to learning by visuals anyway.

--

Moritz shifted slightly, making sure Melchior's leg wouldn't brush up against his pocket. He pulled back and took a gasping breath as he opened his eyes (not realizing they had fallen closed).

Moritz looked into Melchior's own dark eyes-- seeing the true affection and concern and-- love there. A warm fuzzy feeling filled Moritz's chest, like when he had kissed Melchior the other day, and his fingers came up, pulling at Melchior's dress shirt, pulling him back against him as he kissed him again.

--

Melchior's breathing had become ragged, fast, and short. He never wanted to let him go. He wanted to keep kissing him, do so much more...

Moritz's sudden dominance made Melchior gasp. He grabbed Moritz, pressing their bodies closer together. He wanted to be this close to Moritz every day of his life. He felt his tongue slide into Moritz's mouth without thinking, deepening their kiss.

--

Moritz shuddered lightly, feeling Melchior's tongue press into his mouth. Shyly, he pressed his own pink muscle back, trying to get accustomed to the sloppy, wet feeling. However, it also brought that tingling all throughout his body back, not to mention the pooling of heat in his groin.

Moritz shifted, wanting so much to press up against Melchior even further, but he couldn't let himself-- the gun weighed down Moritz's conscious, always prevalent in the back of his mind.

--

Melchior moaned, trying to shift closer to Moritz. He pulled away for a moment, gently sliding Moritz’s jacket off his shoulders. Melchior was breathing more heavily now, giving himself a breather before he attached his lips back to Moritz’s.

He paused briefly, just long enough to speak. “If you want me to stop, I will…” Speaking probably ruined the moment, but he would have rather have done it like that than have Moritz run away from him again.

--

Moritz's breath caught in his throat when Melchior spoke. If they kept doing this-- Melchior would find the gun-- wouldn't he? What were they even about to do...? Moritz's face flushed with embarrassment before he asked softly, "--What...what are you going to do, Melchior...?"

--

Melchior felt himself smile a sadistic smile as he pulled away from Moritz again. Would he even know if he told him?

Melchior stepped back, sitting on his knees. He slid his suspenders off his shoulders, reaching down to untuck his shirt. “It’s just like in the essay, Moritz. Let me show you…” He leaned over to kiss him again, the softness of his lips letting Moritz know that everything would turn out okay.

--

Moritz shuddered, not sure he liked Melchior's smile... but the sight of his friend undressing made his arousal throb even harder between his legs-- and then Melchior was kissing him again... soft and slow and pleasant. Moritz quelled any of his fears, shifting slightly as he pressed up against Melchior.

--

Melchior pulled back from Moritz, shifting slightly as he unbuttoned his trousers. “I didn’t quite get to this in the essay,” he laughed, running his fingers through his messy hair. He looked at Moritz, sincerity the only thing apparent in his eyes. “I...I love you, Moritz...I would never do anything to hurt you, ever.” Melchior placed his hand against Moritz’s chest, gently pushing him back against the hay.

--

Moritz shifted uncomfortably, watching Melchior unbutton his trousers. His heart seemed to leap up into his chest-- and then he was confessing something like that-- his friend who didn't even believe in love…? Moritz didn't know what to think. For some reason, his entire chest felt fuzzy and warm and he was lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling of the hayloft. "...I love you too, Melchior..." Moritz breathed out softly, squeezing his eyes shut as he suddenly felt tears rising up.

--

Melchior’s brow furrowed a bit at Moritz. “Moritz?” he spoke softly, stroking his cheek. “Please don’t cry. It’s just me... You know I would never hurt you.”

Melchior assumed position between Moritz’s legs, getting rid of his clothing. Melchior slid his fingers slowly down Moritz’s length, grinning to himself at the pre-cum that had formed. He looked up to the shaky Moritz, pleading for him to let him continue.

Only this time (he hoped) it could lead into something more.

--

Moritz nodded slowly, gasping shakily as Melchior removed his pants and underwear. Luckily, it seemed he hadn't noticed the gun in his pocket-- he shifted slightly, wanting to try to kick his pants further back but then Melchior was lying back between his legs-- staring at him like that...

"A--Ahnn..." Moritz moaned out softly as he felt Melchior's fingers tease over his length, his hands balling in the hay, wishing he had something more solid to grab onto. "Melchior..." was all he said, but he was giving him permission-- if he was going to become an angel, then at least he could say he did something like this...

--

Melchior nodded, gently taking Moritz into his mouth. His hand reached for Moritz’s pants, pushing them out of the way with one quick shove.

Melchior traced every inch of Moritz’s arousal with his tongue, letting a hand trace along his thigh.

He tried not to think about yesterday, about the mistake... Melchior was going to make sure that today ended differently. He let his mouth travel up and down the other boy’s length, head bobbing as he quickened his pace.

--

Moritz couldn't stand just holding onto the hay-- one hand came to pull at Melchior's curled locks once more, groaning out softly as he picked up the pace. He tried to keep his hips back, afraid he might choke his friend-- but as the pleasure mounted, he couldn't stay as still as he wanted.

--

Melchior couldn't stand it. He needed a release of his own.

He looked up at Moritz with half-lidded eyes, letting out a hum from the back of his throat. He knew all too well what set Moritz off, so to say.

--

Moritz shuddered violently as he felt Melchior humming around his length once more. His fingers tightened and he felt that familiar heat clenching in his lower abdomen before he lost it. His hips jerked erratically, coming in several short thrusts inside Melchior's mouth.

Moritz fell back into the hay, boneless and trembling in the aftermath of his orgasm, his breaths speeding along with his heart.

--

Moritz gasped for air, focusing on breathing. He could hear Melchior speaking, taking in the concept of what he said-- but his body was so overcome by the waves of his orgasm, the pounding of his heart and the heaving of his chest were first and foremost.

Moritz felt Melchior's head come onto his chest-- a blush rising in his cheeks as he listened to his heart. He felt slightly uncomfortable-- not sure how to react...how he was supposed to react...

--

Melchior flipped back over onto his back, staring at the ceiling of the hayloft. He didn't want to scare Moritz, freak him out... so he would lay low for a while. Give him some room to breathe (literally).

--

Moritz blushed, sensing Melchior's reluctance to move off of him. He felt somewhat bad, but he was glad to be given a bit of time to take a breather.

He shifted uncomfortable, the hay itchy and annoying against his bare skin-- but he was too afraid to reach down and pull his pants up, afraid the gun would fall out or the noise of his movement would draw Melchior's attention and make him see it. So instead Moritz tried to lie still, tried to block out the poke and press of the uncomfortable grain.

--

Melchior didn't know what to do. Scratch that, he knew what he wanted to do, but he didn't know if he could bring himself to do it. It was probably too early to do that already anyway.

He sat up, picking up pieces of hay as he threw them onto the ground far below them. He sighed, still hearing the heavy pounds of rain droplets on the roof of their refuge place.

He searched for the words inside his head, what to ask Moritz, what to say to Moritz after something like that, but every word that came to mind was gibberish or not the right thing to say. He wanted to say how sorry he was, yet also not sorry. He wanted to let him know just how much he wanted them to be one. He had never felt like this before, not even with Wendla. He didn't know why he decided to feel it at this moment - but he had to obey the word of his body.

"Moritz," he whispered, beckoning him to sit up. His hand reached out for Moritz's length, wanting so much to stroke it, but he pulled his fingers back in good judgment. He wasn't going to do anything else to Moritz unless he wanted him to. Or at least he would try his damnedest to control himself.

--

Moritz sat up slowly, pulling his legs up a bit, wrapping his arms loosely around his knees, trying to cover up somewhat. A blush was on his cheeks from feeling so exposed with the other, grateful that was he was at least still wearing his shirt.

"...Yes, Melchi...?" He breathed out softly, eyes questioning as he stared at his friend. Melchior looked troubled, slightly distraught. Moritz hoped he wasn't the cause of such emotion-- though he knew he probably was.

--

Melchior shook his head, regaining his composure before turning back to face Moritz. "I--" Since when was he awkward with Moritz? The way he was acting right now caused him to kick himself mentally.

"I..." He couldn't say it. He wanted to ask politely, and another part of him just wanted to do it. But he knew if he did the latter that it would hurt Moritz and that wasn't what he wanted to do. That was never the case.

Words were failing him now, and he couldn't stand it. Instead of trying to utter something that would ultimately come out in a jumble of nothingness, he pulled Moritz to him to kiss him again.

--

Moritz could sense Melchior's hesitation-- he was holding something back... Moritz's eyebrows knitted together in confusion and he felt anxious, not sure what to expect next from his friend...

And then he was kissing him again and Moritz shuddered, feeling himself drawn into Melchior once more. But he needed to know. Slowly, Moritz pulled back from the kiss, gasping a bit before he asked soft and breathless, "What is it, Melchi...?"

--

Melchior inched closer to Moritz, sitting on his knees. He paused before speaking, trying to gather the right words in his head. "If it's okay for Hanschen and Ernst, then it's okay for us, right?" he said aloud, not meaning it to be any louder than a whisper - but he feared it was.

"Do you trust me?" He asked Moritz, looking into his eyes. He was so much softer with Moritz, not controlling and forceful like he was with Wendla; Moritz was much more delicate.

--

Moritz only half-nodded, still feeling hazy on what it was that Ernst and Hanschen even did exactly...

"Of course, Melchi..." He replied, pouring his hear into that simple statement, his eyes finding Melchior's and he hoped that his friend could see how much he truly did trust him, did care for him.

Daringly, Moritz reached out, running his hand gently from the top of Melchior's, down his arm, trying to be comforting.

--

Melchior smiled, capturing Moritz's lips in a gentle kiss. He pulled away gently, whispering into Moritz's ear, "Turn around." He got up off his knees, sliding his trousers down his legs far enough to free his needy arousal.

Melchior ran a hand up and down Moritz's arm, giving him the same comforting feeling that Moritz had given him just seconds before.

--

Moritz's face flushed, but he wasn’t sure why he was so embarrassed at first. Probably because he had no idea what Melchior was going to do... Shakily, Moritz obeyed, slowly turning around in the hay.

He folded his legs up under his body, sitting on his knees, with his back towards Melchior. Moritz looked back at the other male over his shoulder, his mouth going dry and palms getting sweaty at the sight of Melchior's arousal.

"Melchi..." Moritz breathed out, full of need, but also with a touch of fear and confusion in his voice.

--

"Shhh," Melchior whispered, reaching around Moritz to stroke his length. "I'm not going to hurt you," he said, placing kisses on the back of Moritz's neck.

He crawled closer to Moritz, so close that his erection was almost touching Moritz's entrance; the simple movement was enough to make him come. He moved back slightly, taking his other hand into his mouth, gently sucking on his first three fingers, coating them in saliva.

A finger slowly made its way toward Moritz's entrance, sliding in with ease. He breathed heavily in his chest, prepared to pull out the moment he heard any discomfort from Moritz. His finger pulled the ring of muscle, probing further before he added another finger.

--

Moritz's hips jerked, trying to get away from Melchior's hand, his length feeling too hypersensitive still from having just orgasmed. He shuddered and whimpered loudly, trying to pull away but to no avail.

However just as soon as Moritz had started to become hard again, he felt Melchior's finger probing at his entrance, back jerking straight and falling forward somewhat in surprise, pulling away. "M-Melchi...?" Moritz breathed out, confused. He was on all fours know, his hands clenching in the hay as he felt strange sensations from that finger pumping in and out of him...

--

Melchior pulled his hand away from Moritz's length, feeling him jerk away from his hand. He had better things to do with his fingers.

He didn't give Moritz much time to react before inserting a third finger. He made sure to stretch him, probing and pulling at the sensitive muscle. His voice was low, shrouded in lust for the boy in front of him. "Am I hurting you?"

--

Moritz's eyes clenched shut as he felt a third finger touching him-- there, causing his body to jerk forward and then back a bit, fingers grasping at loose hay.

"I--I... I don't think so..." He gasped out, just the slightest bit uncomfortable at being stretched so-- and yet it was-- thrilling, sending him odd sensations that only made his length throb even harsher.

--

"Good," Melchior said, his voice barely audible. He removed his fingers from Moritz, wiping them on the itchy pieces of hay under them. He moved further back from Moritz, lying almost completely on his stomach. He smirked to himself, gripping Moritz's trembling thighs.

Melchior's tongue replaced his fingers at Moritz's entrance, teasing him more than his fingers had done previously.

--

Moritz shuddered, finding himself missing the fingers within him, but then he cried out when he felt that tongue probing his entrance.

"A--Ah--!" His hips jerked backwards, pushing Melchior's tongue in even further, whimpering as he felt his friend's hot breath against his bare skin. The pleasure made Moritz's entire body feel hot and his length throbbed needily between his spread legs.

--

Melchior couldn't get enough of Moritz. He let his tongue pry deeper still, making damn sure to have him craving more.

He pulled back from Moritz for a second, coating his fingers in saliva once more. He slid his tongue back inside Moritz's tight entrance, letting his fingers follow suit. He pushed them further inside Moritz, scissoring the ring of muscle as his tongue found more to explore.

--

Moritz cried out again, the pleasure becoming almost too much and yet not enough. He didn't know why this was so erotic, bringing out such reactions in him-- but he felt like he needed more, more than just Melchior's tongue-- even after he added his fingers-- he needed more...

Moritz arched back, hips grinding rather greedily, fucking Melchior's finger and tongue desperately. He panted harshly, back arched and his fists clenched tight as he let his lust take over.

--

Melchior pulled back, wiping his hand on the ground. He ran the fingers of his other hand through Moritz's messy hair, moving forward to whisper in his ear. "Turn around," he said again, leaning back against the wall. He pulled Moritz onto his lap, kissing his neck gently. His hands snaked around his waist, pulling Moritz to him.

The heat between them was unbearable and it was getting to the point of being painful now. He felt his swollen erection sliding against Moritz's stomach, the fact that they hadn't gone further yet driving him nuts. He wanted it to be special, though. He wasn't going to hurt Moritz, but he also wanted Moritz to want it too. To want it as bad as he did.

Melchior's breath was hot against Moritz's ear as he whispered, "I want you...."

--

Moritz complied to Melchior's wish, wanting to see him again, to hold him and be close to him. Moritz moved, feeling a bit awkward as he sat on Melchior's lap, his legs on either side of his friend's waist and his arms strewn lazily across his neck. He tried not to feel awkward, to not gasp as their erections slid together.

However at those breathless words, Moritz heard himself moan softly, before he breathed out a bit stupidly, "But-- you already have me..."

--

Melchior smiled at Moritz, capturing his lips in a long kiss. He held onto Moritz closely, pressing their bodies together as they kissed. He pulled away after a while, looking straight at Moritz. "God, Moritz," he said, shaking his head. "I love you so much." He knew he had already said it before, but he wanted Moritz to know how truthful he was. How much he really meant it.

Melchior spit into his hand, grunting as he stroked his needy erection. Once it was fully coated in saliva, he spread Moritz's legs apart a bit more, guiding himself to Moritz's entrance. He let himself stay like that for a moment, looking at Moritz before he pushed himself in any further.

--

Moritz blinked and nodded, smiling lightly, a bit lop-sided. "I love you too, Melchior..." He breathed out happily, his chest feeling a bit constricted with how much he truly cared for Melchior, but also the guilt he felt for what he knew was still evident...

He could at least forget about that in these sweet moments with Melchior-- caught up in his hand and his breath and his lips...

Moritz shuddered when he felt Melchior spread his legs apart a bit more; he adjusted, sitting on his knees, still on either side of Melchior's own legs.

When he felt his friend's erection at his entrance, excitement gripped him. He remembered the pleasure he had felt before and let out a shaky breath before looking into Melchior's eyes. He tightened his arms around the other boy's neck before pressing his lips hungrily against Melchior's, giving him his consent in that kiss.

--

Melchior felt his lips curl into a smile as they kissed, never breaking away from Moritz. He guided himself toward Moritz's tight entrance, taking in another deep breath as he slid inside the other boy. He crashed their lips even harder together, trying to cover up the pain that was sure to hit Moritz soon.

--

Moritz tried to return that hungry kiss, but as he felt Melchior pushing into him, the pain shot through his body. His fingers dug into the other's back unintentionally and he pulled back from the kiss, crying out softly in pain. Tears stung his eyes but he clenched them shut, trying to keep from crying as he felt Melchior's throbbing length inside him.

It was exciting and pleasing and painful all at once, the strange mix of emotions making Moritz feel slightly light-headed. His head fell into the crook of Melchior's neck, panting harshly as he tried to adjust to the feeling of Melchior inside him, as he tried to keep back those tears.

Finally, once he thought he could handle it, Moritz pressed a soft kiss to Melchior's lips, silently willing him to continue.

--

Melchior kissed back gently and rubbed along Moritz's thighs, hoping to ease some of the boy's discomfort. The tight heat that enveloped him made him crazy and he wanted nothing more than to shove Moritz to the ground and pound into that tight heat. He forced himself to be gentle though as he slipped his tongue into Moritz's, giving a small thrust into the boy above him.

His mind was going crazy from the sensation of finally being with Moritz, fully, completely and utterly. They had always been close, but this was a connection that you could never take away no matter what. He wished that they could just stay up in the loft forever like this and never leave. Melchior knew firsthand that all good things must come to an end, but this was one good thing that he was going to keep going for as long as he could.

--

Moritz tried to focus on this slow kiss with Melchior, though still, his finger tightened and dug in slightly when he jerked up into him, groaning into the kiss. Moritz tried to keep still at first, but as he began to get more comfortable, he found himself yearning for more friction, more pressure...

Daringly, he lowered his hips a bit further, sitting completely on Melchior's lap, his length pressed even further into him. He jerked his hips somewhat and felt Melchior's arousal press just lightly against that spot deep within him. Moritz cried out from the sudden assault of pleasure, his entire body spasming for a moment.

He needed that pleasure again-- desperately, and so Moritz moved his hips back up before coming back down on Melchior's quickly, crying out as once more his prostate was hit. Slowly, Moritz began this pattern, his thighs starting to tremble with the exertion of it and all the pleasure he felt over and over, blocking out any remaining pain.

--

Melchior groaned, struggling to keep his hands down at his sides. He returned Moritz's assaulting kiss with just as much fervor, feigning crying out himself. He pulled away, grunting and groaning as he felt himself get closer and closer....

The hay beneath him was sure to leave red marks, but that was something he could live with. He felt himself jerk his hips upward into Moritz, shoving his need deeper into Moritz with every heavy thrust. He developed a rhythm of his own, bobbing along with Moritz.

His hand slid down Moritz's throbbing length, spreading the pre-come as he started with rough, fast strokes.

--

Moritz's grip around Melchior's neck tightened somewhat, pulling their bodies even closer, his length sandwiched almost completely between their two abdomens. It provided a bit of pleasure to his hypersensitive length as his hips jerked up and down over Melchior's own arousal, his rubbed and pressed between them.

He cried out when he felt Melchior push into him as well, his knees starting to ache and his thighs starting to shake, feeling even weaker, but that incredible pleasure kept him going, never having felt such a thing.

Moritz gasped sharply when he felt Melchior's hand over his length, already making his panting breath speed faster. He was so close-- so close-- His hips jerked erratically over Melchior's thick arousal, pushing down fully, feeling that press against his prostate, the feel of Melchior's fist over his length-- and Moritz lost it.

He came in several hot spurts, his hips thrusting up into Melchior's hand, coating his fingers and Moritz's stomach with the white, hot liquid.

--

Melchior bit his lip so fiercely that he tasted the metallic taste of blood, feeling himself near his own breaking point.

He grabbed one of Moritz's hips, squeezing so tight he was sure to leave a bruise. He panted harshly, letting his hips jerk forward into Moritz. His thrusts became harder and that was when he felt it - his thighs were trembling and he knew he was about to hit...

He gave one final thrust, releasing his seed into Moritz. His whole body shuddered. He had never felt something so... amazing in his life. Daringly, he pulled his hand back from Moritz's length, licking the white substance off his hand.

He leaned back against the hay, letting his breathing get back to normal.

--

Moritz gasped, moaning softly when he felt Melchior's own release within him. Slowly, once it seemed his friend had stopped, Moritz stood up. His legs trembled and he moved just enough to not be over Melchior before he let his body fall into the hay next to the other.

He had a longing to curl into his side-- to touch him affectionately... Moritz's breaths were still racing, his entire body still trembling lightly. He moved into Melchior, pressing against him, just to feel his body.

It was then that he noticed that the storm had passed, there was no rain or thunder plaguing them anymore... just quiet serenity after the storm.

--

Melchior moved closer to Moritz, wrapping his arms around his still-trembling frame. He sighed, running his fingers through Moritz's untamed locks. He looked to the roof of the hayloft, not hearing anymore pounding.

"It seems as though the storm has passed," Melchior breathed out softly, his first sentence in what seemed like hours. He didn't care if the storm had passed or not. He wanted to stay there with Moritz, to just hold him to his heart's content...

He turned on his side, scooting closer so their bodies were closer together. He stroked Moritz's cheek, gently pressing his lips against the other's. If this is what happens during a storm, Melchior thought to himself, then I hope it rains more often.

--

Moritz couldn't withhold his tired, lop-sided grin as Melchior pressed even closer to him, wrapping his arms around him protectively. The weight he had been carrying all day felt like it had finally slipped off as he lay here, naked and panting with the other.

He kissed Melchior softly, fingers roaming gently over his friend's strong chest, feeling his heart beat, still racing somewhat as was his own...

Moritz could have laid here forever, he wanted to-- but he knew Melchior was just delaying the inevitable. If he didn't get up soon, then he would never get up and while he knew that the other would get upset if he pulled away- he had to.

Reluctantly, Moritz pulled back, untangling himself from his friend's limbs. He stood up, a bit wobbly still. His calves and knees were red from being pressed into the hay, but Moritz tried to ignore it as he moved to gather his clothes, face flushing a bit from embarrassment as he realized how very naked he was.

--

Melchior couldn't hold back his grin, even as Moritz moved away from him. Melchior followed suit, searching around the hayloft for his clothes. He grunted as he got up, rubbing his back to get the itchy grain from off of him. He stood as well, climbing down the stairs to retrieve some of his clothes; they had been removed so frantically, there were shirts and trousers in every part of the hayloft it seemed.

He found his dress shirt, using the back of it to wipe off the remainder of the white substance from his stomach. It was if Moritz had claimed him that way...

He found the rest of his clothes, dressing quickly. He sat at the edge of the stairs, waiting for Moritz to come down. He wished they could have stayed in that naked heap forever, just holding each other... but he knew that eventually they would have to leave the hayloft. The weather had cleared up, after all, and Melchior had said they would only stay in there during the storm.

--

Moritz was thankful that Melchior had gone down to retrieve some of his lost clothing, leaving him to dress himself in solitude. He used the handkerchief in the pocket of his jacket to wipe off the stains on his stomach before leaving it in a random pile of hay. Moritz didn't want them to find something like that with his body...

He pulled his trousers on, the weight of the gun back and thus the weight he had felt all day seemed to be pressing down on him once more, making his shoulders sag and his chest ache. Moritz dressed slowly, making sure he looked as pristine as he had when he had left the house that morning. He still wanted to look nice for his death.

Moritz finally climbed down the steps, no longer afraid of the possible fall or how far up he was. How odd-- in these last hours of life, all anxiety and fear seemed to escape him. He supposed he needed peace at some point.

--

Melchior crossed his arms over his chest, leaning against the ladder. He looked over to Moritz, no longer seeing that smiled he had seen just moments before. He was worried, but he didn't want to do anything that might impair his judgment, so he just shrugged it off.

He stood next to Moritz, waiting for him to speak. He wanted to hold him once more, comfort him, let him know that if anything was wrong, he'd be there for him and it would be okay. But he just stood there.

Against his mind's wishes, he pressed up against Moritz, hugging him tightly.

--
Moritz looked at Melchior, face betraying nothing. However when he hugged him, he felt his lower lip quiver and he had to hold back tears. His arms came up, reluctant at first, but then he found himself holding on tightly to Melchior, wishing to never let go.

Slowly, though, Moritz forced himself to pull back, realizing how careless he was, hugging Melchior so tight. He couldn't be delayed any longer...he feared if he waited much longer he would just back out completely.

"...It isn't you fault." was all Moritz could make himself say, finding Melchior's eyes. All his love and compassion for the other shone there in his dark orbs.

And then he was walking away, forcing himself not to look back as he strode out of the barn and into the wet night. The ground was soggy and he walked along the path of the river, listening to it rushing by even faster, lapping even higher at the edges after the onslaught of rain.

Moritz finally found the perfect spot on the edge, just below a tree. He knelt down, feeling the soil sink beneath his knees and dirty his pants. Why had he even bothered to look nice--?

His last thoughts were of Melchior, reliving their last moment. It had filled him up better than other fantasy or dream-- it left his conscious as peace, knowing he had at least finally done something-- something right.

The gun was in his mouth.

The world fell deaf to his ears.

After storms, the sky always seemed to appear brighter. But now-- it was only dark.

"So dark..."

Bang.

--

He didn't want to let him go. He pressed closer to him, feeling something hard in Moritz's pants. He was going to say something about it, but he thought nothing of it, after what they had just done...

Melchior looked at Moritz strangely, questioning himself as he walked away. "What isn't my fault...?"

He stayed in the hayloft for a while, fiddling with the pieces of grain. The storm had cleared, but there were still traces of rain. His Mother would be incredibly worried as to where he was, so reluctantly he left his refuge place. He stood in the doorway, looking back at the upper level where he and Moritz just were. He couldn't hold back a smile, just thinking about everything. It had happened so fast, but he was glad it happened. He shook his head, finding his jacket lying on
the ground. He slid it over his shoulders, shivering as he left the deserted hayloft.

He took the long way back home, through the forest, watching as his shoes sloshed in the mud.

Bang.

He glanced up as he thought he heard something, walking to where the noise was.

That's when he saw him - the cold, lifeless Moritz, laying on the ground in a heap of blood. He ran towards him, tears starting to run down his cheeks in waterfalls.

He tripped on a twig, crashing into the mud next to Moritz's body. "Moritz!" he cried out, swallowing back the vomit rising up in his throat. The sight of his mutilated body made him sick. He held what was left of Moritz's body in his hands, letting the tears fall over him.

"Why? God, why?"

There was a reason he didn't believe in God.

Rain started to fall again. Melchior was crying so hard, it was hard to tell if he was wet from the pouring rain or his own salty tears. He saw something next to his body. A gun...?

He picked up the silver weapon, tossing it in his hand. The tears fell faster now, and he threw it into the water. He stood up, his head in his hands.

"That's what he meant...."

He kicked at the mud beneath his shoes, falling back down to the ground. He slammed his fists against the ground, feeling as though it was his fault, even when Moritz had assured him that it wasn't. He lay back in the mud, letting his already blood and tear-soiled clothes get soaked. He didn't care anymore. It's not as if Moritz would be around anyway…

He couldn't believe it had happened. Was that why Moritz ran away last night? To plan this? There was a moment of hope it seemed, in the hayloft, but even Melchior realized now that it was inevitable.

Melchior knew there was nothing he could have done to change Moritz's mind, and that's what hurt him the most.

fin.

rp: melchioritz

daikenkai — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 05:31:00 GMT

Authors: Melchior - daikenkai
Moritz - nummy_cream_puf
Fandom: Spring Awakening
Pairing: Melchioritz
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 4,782
Notes: This was the first RP I ever did with Sarah. :D There is a follow-up to it and you had better BELIEVE I'm gonna post that too. X3 Read and comment? ♥

Melchior lay sprawled out along his bed, sighing as he stared at the shapes on his ceiling. He was never usually this lethargic, but something had been on his mind lately: the infamous sex essay. He had written it in hopes to ease his friend Moritz's dreams, not make them worse - and that was exactly what he had seemed to do: make them worse.

He lost track of how many times Moritz had complained about his dreams to him, yet nothing he said or showed him seemed to help. All he ever did was make things worse for him and he didn't want to do that anymore. There was nothing in the world that depressed Melchior more than when he seemed to make Moritz upset. He was going to make damn sure there was going to be no more of that.

He reached over to his nightstand, pulling his journal out. He opened the cover as the essay that was flooding his thoughts fell onto his lap. He stared at the piece of paper, sighing to himself.

"Melchi!" Fraulein Gabor trotted up the stairs, knocking gently on the door to Melchior's door. He quickly shifted in his bed, tossing the essay aside so his Mother wouldn't find it. She pushed the door open gently, smiling at her son. "You have a guest. Moritz Steifel is here to see you!"

--

Moritz had lost track of when the dreams started, couldn't even remember a time when he hadn't been afraid to go to sleep and then even more frightened to wake up after them. He couldn't remember when he hadn't felt awkward around girls and even more awkward around boys. A time when he hadn't done so poorly in school-- it all seemed like a far off story about someone else.

He awoke that Saturday late in the afternoon. Apparently he needed to catch up on his rest after only receiving two or three hours every night that school week. His hair was askew and his eyes were red from how much he had rubbed at them, how much he had tossed and turned and tried to push those images out of his mind. Moritz marched to Melchior's hands trembling in his pockets as he tried to think of everything but those pictures in that essay-- he conjugated Greek with every step, the words forming on his lips but never truly were uttered. He must have looked even more crazed than normal.

Frau Gabor looked upon him with extreme sympathy when he knocked shyly on the door, however once he was actually there, the pictures rose back up. Moritz thanked her quickly, following past her into Melchior's room, even more thankful when she shut the door and left.

Still, the reason he was here to see his friend-- it rose up, and brought all those awful images and thoughts with them. Why-- how could such things incur such a reaction in him? Certainly-- certainly this couldn't be normal...? And yet the essay made it painfully clear that it was normal. Almost too clear.

"Hello Melchi..." Moritz breathed out, eyes studying his shoes, flexing his toes slightly and watching the leather shift; anything to keep those thoughts away.

--

Melchior looked to the door, giving his mother the signal to leave them alone. He crossed the room to where Moritz stood, motioning for him to sit on the bed. He looked down the hallway to make sure that Frau Gabor was out of sight before shutting and locking the door behind.

"Moritz? Are you alright?" he asked the other boy, sitting on the bed next to him. He knew it was a stupid question to ask - given what the essay entailed - but he seemed a lot more distraught today than he ever had been before. Melchior was worried.

--

Moritz nodded meekly, sitting down on the edge of Melchior's bed, his hands folded perfectly in his lap, eyes downcast. He should have been at ease in his friend's room-- and yet Moritz couldn't feel at ease anywhere.

"I--" He started but the words died in his throat, a furious blush rising up in his face as those images danced across his conscious. The drawings in the margins, words he couldn't wrap his tongue around...

"The essay..." Moritz began softly, fingers fumbling shakily in his pocket for the crumpled collection of papers. They had been folded and refolded in several different ways before just finally squeezed into a ball and shoved into his jacket. Moritz didn't want to look at it-- instead just weakly held the frayed mess of papers in his hand as if it were some tremendous weight.

--

Melchior hung his head in shame, feeling at fault for everything Moritz was feeling. "Look, Moritz...." he started, trying to pry the papers from his fingers. He glanced behind his bed, seeing another copy of the godforsaken essay. He couldn't believe he wrote it. Well, he could, but he didn't ever think something like this would come out of it.

As long as he'd known Moritz he'd known him to be awkward and shy, but never like this. He was never quiet around Melchior, ever. And now all of a sudden he was? Over a stupid piece of paper? It seems as if everyone really was fascinated with penis and vagina.

"Moritz, I'm sorry," he said, rubbing his temples. "I never thought any of this was going to happen. I was trying to help you, not make it worse." He cursed under his breath, deciding it was better to stare at his feet now than look anywhere else in the room.

Especially at the boy next to him.

--

Moritz shifted uncomfortably, Melchior pulling the essay from his hands. And yet as soon as he was without it, he longed for it. He needed to be reminded of those pictures-- of those foreign words-- genitalia, labia majora...

"I--I can't focus-- on anything...! I mean-- how do you...stop it from happening...? How do you...not think about something you don't even think about willingly?" His voice started off soft, tired at first, but it quickly became hysterical, his hands fisting and fingers pulled just slightly at the fabric of his too-large pants. All his clothing was too-large. He never fit properly into anything.

--

Melchior looked over at Moritz, seeing the discontentment in his eyes. "I guess I've never really had that problem," he shrugged, knowing it probably wasn't the best thing to say. He had learned at a young age things people weren't supposed to know until they were married. He had gone through the same thing that Moritz went through, but he always had that knowledge to get him out of his sticky situations.

"It's unusual how these thoughts come into our heads, isn't it?" He looked up at the ceiling, searching for the right way to put the words. "The more we think about it, the more the thoughts come. The more we don't think about it, the thoughts come." He opened his mouth to speak again, but shut it soon after. He knew a way to get rid of the 'bad dreams,' but he dare ask Moritz to... no, he couldn't.

--

Moritz felt his mood seem to sink even lower. His fingers clenched a bit tighter, gnawing rather viciously on the inside of his lip. He never knew what to do when such thoughts rose into his mind. Instead he just tried his hardest to focus on something else-- to start an essay or do algebra or translate Latin.

"What- what is it, Melchi?" Moritz asked, his eyes catching the hesitation in his friend's face. He didn't want Melchior to hide or keep things from him. He didn't want to feel anymore fragile than he already knew he was...

No, not with him, not with Melchior.

--

Melchior looked back at Moritz, hesitating to speak. The tension in the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife. He bit his lip, deciding to shut the curtains. "I..." he started. He kicked himself mentally, chastising himself for being so awkward. He was never that way around Moritz, never! So why was his body doing this to him now? Why was he feeling like this around Moritz of all people?

But yet Moritz was so vulnerable right now, so unsure, so... Melchior wanted to help him. He wanted to show him that the kind of things Moritz could only dream about could become real. He wanted to...

He wanted to touch him so badly. Yet every time his hand reached out to Moritz, he'd draw it back to himself. He shook his head, deciding to move closer to Moritz. "It's nothing, really." He smiled at Moritz, trying to tell him in silence that nothing was wrong.

But it was quite the opposite.

--

Moritz's eyebrows furrowed slightly as he tried to discern Melchior's face. He was still holding back-- there was something behind his smile. No-- he couldn't take his friend of all people treating him this way, like he was going to break. Even if that seemed to be another ever constant in Moritz's life now...

"Please Melchior..." Moritz breathed out, his hand moving to fall a top his friend's. However such a simple gesture caused his body to tingle just beneath the skin, and the palm of his hand to almost ignite as if Melchior's own flesh had burned him.

--

"What is it?" Melchior stared down at his lap, feeling his pants tightening at the slightest touch of Moritz's hand. He swallowed what felt like an egg, taking centuries to slide down his throat. His body was acting out of time with his mind now as he felt his fingers interlacing with Moritz's upon his lap. He didn't know what he was doing. What they were doing. All he knew is that he wanted it. He needed it.

"Moritz," he whispered, his lips just centimeters from Moritz's ear. "I can help you get rid of those dreams."

--

Moritz held his breath when Melchior intertwined their fingers, trying to hold back a shudder as his hand seemed to burn even more, their palms pushed together now. Why was his body reacting like this--?

And then Melchior's lips were practically at his ear, the words soft but implying-- something in his tone-- Moritz gasped rather audibly, only then realizing he was starting to feel a bit light headed from lack of oxygen and the unfamiliar pooling of heat in his groin. He finally let the shudder run through him, panicking slightly at the thoughts started to rise up in his head-- those dreams-- lips and tongues and strange body parts all danced in his mind.

But Melchior could make this go away...?

"H-How...?" Moritz heard himself ask, his voice sounding far off and foreign to his ears.

--

Melchior smiled to himself, finding Moritz's reactions satisfying in some sadistic. He was probably doing nothing but confuse the poor boy more, but if that was what it took, then so be it.

He turned to look straight at Moritz, pressing a hand to his cheek. "I'll show you," he said huskily, trailing his free hand down to Moritz's heated groin. "Just trust me."

Melchior stroked Moritz's cheek, pressing his lips to Moritz's softly. He did it. He didn't back out this time, didn't give Moritz a chance to protest. He took the biggest risk in the book of being best friends, but he didn't care. He wanted him so bad it hurt - literally. The tightness in his pants was enough to cut the circulation off from his groin.

--

Moritz shuddered when he felt that hand come to rest on his face, only then becoming aware of the intense blush painted across his cheeks. His fingers fell slack in between Melchior's before he pulled it back slightly.

However he hadn't been prepared for what those words did to him-- just the tone sending sparks of arousal through him and causing that uncomfortable pressure to pick up in his groin. Moritz shifted, about to say something-- but then he couldn't speak, something hard and hot was weighing down on his mouth and it took a second for Moritz to realize that thing was-- Melchior.

He gasped into the kiss, pulling back because he didn't know what else to do. His eyes flew open and he made a small sound low in his throat of confusion but he couldn't form any actual words as his lips lay slack.

--

Melchior moved back over to his prospective side of the bed, sighing to himself. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that." He knew how much he wanted it, though. For a moment - if only a brief one - he thought that Moritz wanted it too.

He sat staring off into space, trying not to let the awkwardness get to him. The only thing ringing through the air was a sense of uncomfortableness and he couldn't bear it. He didn't want Moritz to be uncomfortable - that was the last thing he wanted to do. But then why did he do it?

Fuck.

--

Moritz shifted, feeling a stab of guilt as Melchior sounded so defeated and then refused to even look him in the eye. Even while his groin was start to hurt from all these strange feelings-- there was something in that kiss that he felt good and right.

Shyly, he let his hand fall to Melchior's thigh, beckoning his attention with the light, meek movement of his fingers, rubbing his friend's clothed leg in an attempt at comfort. "Melchior..." Moritz breathed out, shifting a bit closer to the other, trying to get him to look at him-- to get him to try to kiss him again...

--

Melchior turned to look at Moritz rather abruptly, their faces so close now that all he had to do was move just a few more inches. He didn't know if he could do it again. He wanted to, the tightness in his pants told him he needed to....

"Are you sure?" he asked quietly, just letting himself feel Moritz's breath against his cheek. His hands lay still in his lap, fists clenched so he wouldn't be tempted to touch Moritz where he didn't want to be touched. He needed to have some sort of self-control.

--

Moritz felt his breath catch in his throat when Melchior turned to face him so quickly. Their faces were so close-- he could feel the warm gust of air as Melchior exhaled against his cheek and he shuddered, fingers tightening a bit on his friend's thigh.

"I--" he started, voice unsure. Moritz took a shaky breath before whispering, "Yes".

He had to make a decision in his life-- a good decision-- this had to be good...right? If it was with Melchior-- if he had enjoyed that tingly sensation running straight through his body the first time he had kissed him...

--

Melchior hesitated, pausing to see if he was imagining the words that just came out of Moritz's mouth. He clenched his thighs together, afraid for his life is Moritz's hand moved anymore toward the heat in his pants.

He moved the couple inches he needed to, closing the gap between his and Moritz's lips. He was soft, gentle, waiting for Moritz to react to him. A hand slid around Moritz's waist, pulling them closer together. He didn't ever want to let go.

--

Moritz felt Melchior's thighs move beneath his fingers. He was about to pull them back, but then Melchior's lips were on his and nothing else matter-- he couldn't think of anything else.

It was soft and chaste and Moritz didn't know what to do at first. Finally, he shyly pressed back, expressing that he liked it-- that he wanted more...

He leaned into Melchior a bit more as he felt his friend's arm around his waist, shifting their positions slightly. His other hand came up, grabbing at the back of Melchior's dress shirt, holding onto him tight.

--

Melchior pressed his lips harder against Moritz's, parting his lips slightly to deepen the kiss. He wanted to do more - so much more than kissing but for once in his life something in his life had gone right and he wasn't going to let it slip away so fast by making a rash decision.

He let out a low groan at the back of his throat, positioning themselves so they were directly across from eachother. He took his free hand and slowly traced along Moritz's thigh, steadily and slowly working his way a bit higher. He reached the growing erection in Moritz's pants before too long, rubbing small circles against it through the fabric.

--

That kiss, those lips-- felt so incredibly right. And even though they were sending strange sensations all throughout Moritz's body, causing the heat in his groin to practically double, he didn't mind... Still, he tried to keep his hips away from Melchior's, not wanting his friend to find his body reacting so.

His cheeks flushed as felt Melchior's lips part and his own fell apart, deepening the kiss. Moritz moved his lips a bit awkwardly, trying to do everything right even though he had never kissed anyone-- not like this at least. However when he felt those fingers on his thigh, his back stiffened a bit. They drifted further north, causing his excitement and anxiety to work him up even more than he already was.

He gasped harshly, pulling back from the kiss and moaning out when Melchior's fingers finally found his groin. An embarrassed blush filled his entire face as he heard his reaction, as he felt that sinfully good bit of pressure and movement over his arousal. Why did it feel so good-- when everyone seemed to be so against such a thing...?

"M-Melchior..." Moritz gasped out, his eyes slightly afraid-- confused at all he was feeling, at why his body was reacting this way-- but still... no part of Moritz wanted him to stop.

--

Melchior's lips seemed to be frozen in the state they were against Moritz's, even after he had pulled away. He searched his eyes, trying to see what he felt.

"What is it?" Melchior asked in a low whisper, staying as close to Moritz as possible. He just wanted them to stop talking. He wanted to kiss him and never stop. He wanted to do so much more to him. He wanted Moritz. It was okay when Hanschen and Ernst did things like this, so why wasn't it okay for them?

--

Moritz swallowed thickly, seeing the concern in Melchior's face-- seeing...something more. Something that scared him and yet excited him even more. Finally he shook his head slightly, breathing a soft, "Nothing..."

And then he was pressing his lips to Melchior's once more, shy and chaste at first before finally pushing a bit of pressure unto the other, kissing him as his body urged him into it even more. His fingers moved up slightly on Melchior's thigh, though the press of his friend's hand over his groin distracted him from most everything else.

He felt disoriented and slightly dizzy-- but it was-- nice.

--

Oh, god. Melchior smiled into their kiss, untucking Moritz's shirt from his trousers. He felt the throbbing need growing need in both of their pants, and something needed to happen about it.

He broke the kiss for a moment, trailing kisses along Moritz's neck, leaving an affectionate bite or two along the way. A worked its way down Morit'z torso, slowly making its way south. He slid his hand down Moritz's pants, stopping at the base of Moritz's throbbing arousal. "Can I?" he whispered against Moritz's ear, his breath hot and his voice raspy and low.

--

Moritz only dimly noticed his shirt being untucked, vaguely recalled Melchior's hand traveling down his chest and a whimper escaping his own throat when his friend began to kiss and nip at his neck.

"O-Oh..." Moritz sighed softly as he began to get used to that movement of lips and just the prick of teeth on his skin-- but then he stiffened considerably once more as he felt Melchior's hand move into his pants. He wanted to question what he was doing but all noise died off in his throat. Moritz thought his face might exploded from his embarrassed and ashamed blush. What could Melchior possibly be thinking...?

However when he asked him like that-- so breathless and... Moritz scrambled for the word he had read the previous night-- erotic. His breath caught in his throat along with all sound and the only thing he could do was nod a bit dumbly, letting his eyes slip closed.

--

Melchior attached his lips to Moritz's again in a sort of hurried frenzy. With his free hand he undid Moritz's trousers, sliding them down his thighs. He moved to Moritz's feet, untying the shoestrings of his sneakers, letting them fall to floor, his trousers following not long after that.

He laid kisses along the base of Moritz's length, gently pushing him back onto the bed. Melchior positioned himself so he was in between Moritz's legs, moving along his erection in slow, soft strokes. "Don't worry," he whispered from his place on the bed, "it's just me."

--

Moritz didn't know what to do as Melchior unbuttoned his pants, moving them lower. This was all moving so fast-- his length was exposed and he flushed an even harsher red from the shame of it all. But...Melchior seemed fine with it-- more than fine, actually. It reassured Moritz slightly.

As Melchior laid him back, he shifted slightly, still somewhat confused as to what they were all doing-- but he recognized this concept vaguely from Melchior's essay-- when you have someone's mouth on your...well-- there.

Those light touches made Moritz shudder and his fingers wrapped tightly in Melchior's sheets. Could they really be doing this...?

And then he spoke, soft and controlled and it was rational, intelligent Melchior. He was right-- it was him, his best friend...who else would he ever want to do something like this to him...?

Weakly, Moritz nodded, eyes staring down at Melchior briefly. But he couldn't stand watching this-- the embarrassment too strong, and so he let his head fall back against the mattress, squeezing his eyes shut and bracing himself.

--

Melchior smiled to himself, a little surprised - yet completely content - that Moritz was letting him do this. His fingers ghosted along the underside of Moritz's length, his other hand tracing small circles along his hip bone.

Melchior's lips laid more kisses along the base of Moritz's apparent arousal, slowly letting them move further and further down.

Melchior paused a moment, spreading Moritz's legs a bit further apart. He slid a hand under Moritz, gently sliding him to the edge of the bed. Melchior smiled up at Moritz, hoping he'd see. If he was like anyone else in this world, he probably wouldn't be looking - but the reassurance was there, in all the silence going on between them. Melchior sat on his knees under Moritz at the edge of his bed, slowly taking Moritz into his mouth.

--

Moritz tried not to jerk and writhe as he felt Melchior's fingers move along his length, felt those lips moving over his sensitive flesh. He was so overcome he nearly pulled his legs up, nearly kicked Melchior away. His fingers tightened on the sheets, gasping and whimpering without any second thought as Melchior teased his length.

However when Melchior moved him, wanting him to sit up, Moritz complied shakily. Melchior on his knees like that-- between his legs...so close to his arousal-- Moritz squeezed his eyes shut. Just the sight of this made him feel like he would lose it. But certainly at this point that was all Moritz wanted-- for Melchior to do this and get it over with so he could stop having those dreams and could stop being such a failure. Surely this would fix it all-- Melchior had said it would...

"A--Ah!" Moritz cried out loudly, not having intended to make any noise at all. His fingers grabbed at the first thing he could get to-- the back of Melchior's head, pulling tight on those brown curls. He saw stars as he felt Melchior's warm, wet mouth around his length and his entire body seemed to be shaking with the waves of strange pleasure he felt.

--

Melchior took the signal of fingers in his hair to keep going, and so he did.

He ran a finger up and down Moritz's thigh, picking up speed as he took more and more of him into his mouth. His teeth grazed the side of Moritz's erection, searching its entirety painstakingly slow. He wanted Moritz to come and he wanted him to do it soon. The constriction he felt in his own pants now only urged him to go further. Feeling really risky, he slowed down his pace, humming at the back of his throat.

--

For some reason Moritz felt a need for urgency, the slow movement over his length mixing his embarrassment with frustration rather dangerously. However when he felt Melchior humming in the back of his throat, well Moritz wasn't expecting something like that-- his fingers tightened rather harshly and before he knew what was happening, his hips were jerking, forcing his length further into Melchior's mouth as he came. The excitement had been too much and fresh, hot tears rolled down Moritz's cheeks as he let out a weak, strangled groan.

His entire body felt warm and tingly but he was also ashamed, not believing he had just allowed himself to do such a thing-- to be so raw. The tears continued to fall down his cheeks, dripping from his chin onto his lap, his bottom lip shaking as he repressed a sob. Moritz only felt all the more confused now...

--

Melchior braced himself for what was to come, preparing to swallow the liquid. He pulled away from Moritz, breathing heavily.

He smiled as he opened his mouth to say something but promptly shut it seeing Moritz's face. He sat next to him, placing a hand against his thigh. "Moritz, I'm sorry... was it that bad?" He thought that he had wanted this. "Shit, I'm sorry," he apologized again, taking his hand off of Moritz. He was confused and most likely was not in the right state of mind to have Melchior touching him again so soon.

--

Moritz shuddered, body recoiling from Melchior's hand on his thigh. His throat felt clenched shut and finally when he choked out a strangled, "I should go--" the sob finally escaped. Moritz heaved slightly as he tried to contain himself, his entire body trembling with the effort to keep from crying out.

He moved shakily, finding his pants and underwear on the floor and pulling them on hastily before slipping his shoes on, not even bothering to tie them. Moritz was certain to look a mess and his face flushed bright red from shame. What Melchior must think of him now...

--

"Moritz, wait!" Melchior cried after him, blocking the door. "Please, don't leave." His eyes were pleading for him to stay. Moritz couldn't just get up and leave, especially after something like that.

"I..." For once, Melchior had nothing to say. "Just.. go ahead and go. I'm sorry, Moritz. I didn't mean to make you feel weird. I hate it when you feel that way! But apparently, that's all I ever do. Just. Go if you want." He could kick himself for speaking those words out loud, because the only things screaming at him in his head were 'Don't leave! Please stay with me!' but of course he couldn't say that. "Moritz..."

--

Moritz only felt the tears fall faster, finally let out quiet sobs as Melchior ranted. He didn't want Melchior to be mad at him-- but he was. He was mad at him and himself and-- everything had just fallen apart. Breathless, in between hiccuping sobs, Moritz gasped out, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." but it was no use as he moved past his friend, rushing out of the house. He couldn't stay.

Perhaps this was the end of their friendship.

Moritz didn't intend to find out.

fic: sleep, hanschen/ernst - G

daikenkai — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 05:13:40 GMT

Title: Sleep
Fandom: Spring Awakening
Pairing(s): Hanschen/Ernst
Word Count: 381
Rating: G
Author's Notes: This was my first shot at ever writing Hanschen/Ernst, so I hope it's okay. XD I don't really know where I was going with this. I just kinda started writing and.... something came of it. :|

He couldn’t sleep. He could never sleep, not when Hänschen Rilow was on his mind. His thoughts were clouded with memories of him. That day at the vineyard was the strongest, never ceasing to leave his brain. He could still remember how his hair smelled, how his lips tasted, the way his strong hands slid down his chest…

He wanted to stop thinking about him. He wanted to get some sleep, but there wasn’t a way in hell he could. Not as long as they were both alive.

“I love you, Hänschen, as I have never loved anyone.” He remembered every syllable, played every outcome in his mind, but he knew that he’d never get the same reaction out of Hänschen. “As you should” is all he would ever get out of him and it drove him crazy.

The urgency in their kisses, the speed at which their hands were tracing the curves of each others’ bodies… how could that not have meant anything to him? Was he just another notch in Hänschen’s bedpost?

He could barely utter the other boy’s name aloud without feeling an urge to cry.

Every time he closed his eyes it was Hänschen he saw. But he knew he had to be dreaming. Hänschen would never come by. Their moment of intimacy was a mistake. Ernst meant nothing to him, he was sure.

He groaned, punching his pillowcase so hard feathers floated through the air. He lay on his back, staring at his white walls.

“Ernst! Hänschen Rilow is here to see you!”

Ernst practically jumped out of his skin. His mother had to be joking with him. Surely he wouldn’t have a reason to come see him, shy, weak little Ernst.

He stayed quiet and fluttered his eyes closed, hoping he wasn’t dreaming. Hänschen was there to see him. Hänschen was in his house. He opened his eyes again, sliding his shoes on as he walked down the stairs to the kitchen where his mother was waiting. Hänschen was with her, and he had a smirk plastered on his face, never releasing his gaze from Ernst’s. For the first time in days, a smile crept onto Ernst’s face.

Somehow he felt as if he was going to have a good night’s sleep tonight.

♥

Hmm. =/

daikenkai — Mon, 25 Jul 2005 19:42:03 GMT

After looking on operafantome's journal,I realized that I am yet to do this "LJ family" thing. XD So now I am! :3

I need an LJ family. D: Comment here with what you want to be and and I'll add you to the list. :3 Bonus: you get featured on the sidebar in my LJ family~ 8D You can be anything you want; doesn't have to actually be a family member. X3 That's why this is so fun to do. :D *thumbsup*

[x] My Seme!
[x] My daddy!
[x] The sex slave with whipped cream and crack in the basement!
[x] Obsessive Detective Conan Lurve Twin!
[x] My cat that steals chocolate for me!
[x] Pet Turtle!
[x] My wife!
[x] Crazy ghost that lives in my attic and refuses to go away!
[x] My crazy aunt!
[x] My ~~candyman~~ Willy Wonka!
[x] My legally insane puppy!
[x] The dustbunnies under my bed!
[x] Pet goldfish!
[x] My cousin thrice removed who knew a guy who also knew a guy who knew another guy that has weed in his backyard!
[x] My crazy stalker neighbor who is always in my house but I don't know how she gets in there and watches me sleep while she stands in a corner!
[x] My Con Mommy!
[x] My adopted lovechild!
[x] My twin!

~Musashi-chan ♥

Yuugiou Blogcrew+Crack!age

daikenkai — Tue, 07 Jun 2005 01:08:45 GMT

I know I've updated a lot today,but I want to make a Yuugiou blogcrew. And Li and I have decided to have a Yuugiou Crack!!RP. 8D

I'm sure everyone knows what a blogcrew is. If not,it's where every person is a different character in an anime and they post journal entries as if they are the character and stuff like that. And you keep the list on your userinfo/journal to show it off and stuff. X3 Comment here if you want to join,of course. ^_^

++Yuugiou Blogcrew
Honda Hiroto: li_bii
Otogi Ryuuji: daikenkai
Malik Ishtar: cresselia
Yuugi Mutou: comiter
Seto Kaiba: shadowesque13
Jounouchi Katsuuya: riyu_the_shinma
Pegasus J. Crawford: operafantome
Isis Ishtar: whisperinghope
Yami no Yuugi: da_pharaoh_yami
Kujaku Mai: kasumiyume
Ryou Bakura: neon_hyena
Kisara: reconquista
Mokuba Kaiba: queen_of_r
Mazaki Anzu: karmaside
Dartz: pentacle_fate
Shizuka Kawai: x_sakuradropsx
Noa: iceduelist

For userinfo:

<center><b>++Yuugiou Blogcrew</b></center>
[<a href="http://li-bii.livejournal.com/">x</a>] Honda Hiroto
[<a href="http://mrsdannyfenton.livejournal.com/">x</a>] Otogi Ryuuji
[<a href="http://flyingpinkbunny.livejournal.com/">x</a>] Malik Ishtar
[<a href="http://spazzyuke.livejournal.com/">x</a>] Yuugi Mutou
[<a href="http://shadowesque13.livejournal.com/">x</a>] Seto Kaiba
[<a href="http://riyu-the-shinma.livejournal.com/">x</a>] Jounouchi Katsuuya
[<a href="http://operafantome.livejournal.com/">x</a>] Pegasus J. Crawford
[<a href="http://whisperinghope.livejournal.com/">x</a>] Isis Ishtar
[<a href="http://livejournal.com/da_pharaoh_yami">x</a>] Yami no Yuugi
[<a href="http://kasumiyume.livejournal.com/">x</a>] Kujaku Mai
[<a href="http://neon-hyena.livejournal.com/">x</a>] Ryou Bakura
[<a href="http://tani-chan.livejournal.com/">x</a>] Kisara
[<a href="http://queen-of-r.livejournal.com/">x</a>] Mokuba Kaiba
[<a href="http://karmaside.livejournal.com/">x</a>] Mazaki Anzu
[<a href="http://pentacle-fate.livejournal.com/">x</a>] Dartz
[<a href="http://x-sakuradropsx.livejournal.com/">x</a>] Shizuka Kawai
[<a href="http://iceduelist.livejournal.com/">x</a>] Noa

<< <a href="http://livejournal.com/users/mrsdannyfenton/52101.html#cutid1">Join the crew</a>?

Just comment saying which character you want,and I'll update the list and add the codes when we get more members. 8D Yay,blogcrew~

Crack!RP: zomgcrackygo :D

~Musa ♥