As I count my blessings

Not much to write about

dadi — Mon, 25 May 2026 19:58:53 GMT

...as I spent most of the day relaxing in the shade in the garden. A nice walk in the morning before it got too hot, then blissful lounging.
The only downside is that we are having Sahara dust clouds and my nose and eyes are itching. Ugh.

Tomorrow back to work, let's hope for a slow day as I am so not in the mood for stress, LOL.

Another month in seconds...

dadi — Thu, 31 Aug 2023 17:05:23 GMT

LJ Idol Week 4 – The Axe Forgets, The Tree Remembers

dadi — Sat, 26 Mar 2022 17:51:32 GMT

After nearly 30 years, I returned to my hometown to undergo rehabilitation from a longer illness.
Not out of choice, but because that was where my insurance sent me.

I felt too weak at first to even consider where I was. If I had, it would only have depressed me more. Unpleasant memories connected me to my school years there, to the people, and the place.

When I slowly started to recover, my physiotherapist entered me into a walking group of fellow patients in similar shape.
We had to absolve a round of the nearby park in the morning and one in the late afternoon, sometimes interrupted by light stretching exercises, sometimes not.

The illness had left me with no muscles to support my body, and even with two sticks to support me, after a few minutes, every step I took caused me excruciating pain. Soon my legs began to tremble, and I felt sweaty and dizzy.
But I slogged on, I wanted to be self-sufficient again as soon as I could.

Sometimes, we were assigned a walking buddy, to assist each other with some exercise or simply to encourage those who tended to lag, to keep in step with the others instead.

I always tried to avoid these pairings, hoping in an odd number of walkers so I could enjoy silence and peace.
Sometimes I succeeded, sometimes I did not, but in general I managed to avoid idle talk with people that did not interest me at all.

Slowly, my stamina improved, and I progressed to a single stick. Some days, I even enjoyed the walks.
Spring had well advanced by now, with bright shades of green and flowers all around.

Then, one Monday morning, a new woman joined the group.
She was heavily overweight, more than I had ever been, and her face looked unhealthy, with a yellowish teint. Walking was visibly hard for her, and she soon found herself at the tail of the informal group.
The physiotherapist looked at me, silently, and moved her head towards the new arrival.

I knew what that meant. Others had been “ordered” to stay at my side just a few weeks earlier like that, to be sure I did not fall too much behind or to be of assistance if I was too weak to continue.

It was the first time for me to be on the stronger side of a pair, and while I did not enjoy the charge, in some secret way, I felt proud for being considered reliable and healthy enough for it.

So, I slowed down and adapted to the halting pace of the new walker. I had not gotten a close look at her before, but now I did, and immediately was hit with a jolt of recognition. Uncertain at first, but not for long. And unpleasant, for sure.

I just nodded at her and continued to keep at her side, waiting when she stopped to draw fast, panting breaths.
These interruptions became more and more frequent, and a rasping cough unmistakably indicated damage done by many years of heavy nicotine consumption.

At a certain point, she began to grumble, about this stupid occupational therapy and how she did not see the sense in walking around like inmates of a prison.
When I heard her voice, strident and unpleasant, any doubt I might have had, immediately went away.

Dragging herself along at my side was my childhood nemesis, the worst bully of not just the neighbourhood, but the whole quarter.
While she panted and trotted on, my brain filled with the insults she used to sling at me every day, when I dared to show up on the playground.
“The fat weirdo is here!” she would shout. “Go away, crazy idiot, nobody wants you!” and worse.

The pushes and the kicks. The sand thrown into my face. My bag emptied into a puddle. Torn shirts, defaced books, stolen lunch money.
Whenever she’d get hold of me, and a few other children that did not fit in, she’d use her whole arsenal of disgust and spite and would never fail to cause pain, physical and emotional alike.

We tried to complain to our parents but were told to “grow up and tough it out”.
Sometimes, exasperated, I kicked back – I was not a meek child at all - but every little hit I managed to land inevitably later resulted in ambushes when I least expected, often together with other thugs she knew.

So, I simply tried to avoid her and in time, she found other, smaller, and weaker victims.

I had not heard from or about her for all the years I had been away.
But she had taken residence in my mind, often turning up in my nightmares, where, over and over again, she would put me into her signature sleeper hold until I’d nearly pass out from lack of air.

While I was lost in this ugly remembrance, the woman’s breath had grown even more ragged, and a heavy sheet of sweat covered her whole face, dropping from her stringy hair.
We had fallen much behind the rest of the group by now and at this point would have to return to the clinic on our own.

Trying to disguise her increasing need for breaks, she initiated a listless conversation, asking about what had brought me here.
I answered truly, adding that I had grown up just a few minutes from where we stood now.

Surprised, she looked at me and said, “so did I! Maybe we have even met before!”

I just shrugged. “Maybe. I was an overweight, red-haired girl that liked to be on her own.”

I was the only redhead in the neighbourhood back then, and that was one of the things she so took exception with, continuing to taunt me about the supposed hideousness of orange pelted girls.

I don’t know how I expected her to react, maybe with a slight hint of shame, with the disgust in her eyes I remembered so well, or with gruff denial or belittlement of past bullying behaviour.

What I had not foreseen was her blank stare, her evident failure to remember.
Her empty eyes were not disguising, the heavy folds of skin in her face did not move for even an inch.
There was no doubt at all that she simply had no recollection. That the daily acts of cruelty, very specifically aimed at myself, her preferred victim for many years, had not left any trace in her mind, probably buried among so many other, similar, ones.

I refused to accept this, at first. I told her my name, the years when we both frequented the playground and the nearby elementary school.
She just shook her head and said she only remembered her best friends from that time – two other bullies, though less cruel and insistent than her.

At that point, we were crossing a small bridge over a little brook and when she stopped again and leaned heavily on the wooden railing, it cracked and broke down under her weight.
Not able to keep her balance, she stumbled down, right into the creek.

And there she ended up like a stranded whale, not in any danger of drowning, as the water was barely ankle high, but heavily challenged to get out on her own, as the rivulet ran in a U-shaped cement groove reaching up to her chest.

She had not hurt herself, I immediately made certain of that. No, she had simply toppled onto her solid butt and was now sitting in an uncomfortably folded position, from which she seemed unable, or unwilling, to get up.

Her face was red and angry, with herself, or with me, I did not know. She swore loudly and then shouted, “do something, what are you standing around like that, goggling at me?”
Her voice was so very much that of the bully still tormenting my dreams that I felt like gripped by a cold hand.

I really wanted to turn around, run away and then call the clinic for help. To her, that would mean at least ten minutes sitting in the cold water, awkward and unpleasant for sure, not to mention the humiliation.
But certainly, less awful than the things she used to put me through on a regular basis.

I honestly cannot remember if only seconds went by, or more, while I was oh so tempted to shout down right back at her. Telling her to maybe think about what she had done to me so many years ago, and then leave her to stew for a while until I’d send somebody to drag her out.

I will not deny the allure of these revengeful thoughts. For a while, I might have been on the brink of acting on them.

But then, I realised that in doing so, I would connect myself to her in an much stronger, more unholy way.

People like her, they really are dead and dull inside, and will never remember the pain they cause.
Some of their targets end up numbed as well and then go on to inflict damage to the next link in the chain, not even deigning their victims a moment of recollection.

I decided to not become a part of this chain. Not because I held any aspiration to sainthood, I just felt deeply certain that I would only hurt myself doing otherwise.

So, I took my walking stick and reached out with it to my former fiend, gripping a healthy young tree with the other hand, to keep myself anchored.
Slowly, laboriously, we managed to first get her up onto her feet and then out of the water.

Then for a while we sat down, silently, on a bench beside the stream, until she felt able to walk again, back to the clinic, leaning heavily onto my stick.

We avoided each other after that, never mentioning the incident again.
She never thanked me for my help, nor had I expected that from her.

My true reward was the absence, from that moment, of any nightmare about her.

LJ Idol Week 3 – Morgenmuffel

dadi — Sun, 06 Mar 2022 17:46:01 GMT

Growing up in Germany, it does not take you long to learn that being up early in the morning, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, is not simply a virtue, but your sacred Teutonic duty.

Your father starts work at the office at 7 am and so does everybody else around him.
He gets up at 5, infallibly imitated by spouse and offspring right behind. At 6, when he is already about to leave, you sit at the breakfast table, washed, dressed and ready for a new day.

Showing any trace of fatigue or exhaustion in the morning is not an option. You constantly find yourself confronted with a moral imperative to be productive and active even before the sun shows up, therefore your mother would never even consider slinking back into her bed after the kids leave for school. That just is not how she was brought up.

Nor does this change on weekends when there are so many things to do. Your father is not a silent or respectful person, so when he is up, everybody else soon will be too.
After 7 am there is no breakfast to be had in any case. Nobody forces you to get up before that, but you go hungry until lunch and reproaching glances will catch you at every yawn, every time you rub your eyes.

Holidays are spent camping, and obviously that implies the same daily rhythm – up at dawn and to bed when the sun goes down.

One year, your parents decide to splurge on a budget holiday trip, to Communist Romania of all places. In an enormous cement block of a hotel, you spend ten days of listening to your father grumble about the fact that breakfast service begins only at 7.30 am.
Unimaginable, and so you leave for the beach at 6 without the watery coffee and pale, squishy bread with plum jam served in the hotel's restaurant.

Instead, you are enjoying dark Turkish mokka (your parents) and sweet chai (you) with honeyed, crumbly cake slices sold from a small barrack by a friendly couple who is able to converse with my father in a funny mix of Italian and Russian. Just one more proof for the early bird catching the best worms, yet again.

You never even question this way of live, until, just turned 18, you embark on a weekend trip with your first Italian boyfriend.

And discover that he loves to lounge in bed, as late as he can.

At first, you are horrified.
Up, as usual, before 6, you do not know what to do with yourself when you realise that he has no intention to get up and find something to drink and to eat.
You sit there, dressed, and ready to go, until he finally opens his eyes much later and stares at you blankly.
You still are too infatuated to pout, so you just tell him you haven’t been able to sleep anymore and are hungry.

It takes him several weekends to convince you to not hop out of the bed as soon as you are awake. You don’t feel comfortable, rather like a sinful sloth, but you try to find ways to busy yourself reading, planning the day, nibbling on some cookies until you can finally make him get up.

Finally, he visits you in Germany for the first time, at your family home.
When he arrives, your parents seem to like him, appreciating his good German and his ambitious plans of working while completing his university studies. He does not drink much alcohol, eats in moderation and with good manners and is generally agreeable and well behaved.

You are happy, as every well indoctrinated daughter must be.

Alas, it is not to last.

Not even twelve hours later, your relationship is doomed.
While you appear downstairs for breakfast around 6.30, the young Italian shows no sign of wanting to rise at 7, 8 or even 9.

It is a Saturday, and your father has already started the lawn mower outside under the window, where the lazy Southerner still sleeps. Your mother noisily sweeps the stairs, but her sense of hospitality forbids her, for the moment, to switch on the vacuum cleaner.

You sit on needles, not knowing what to do, when at 9.30 he finally appears. Hair standing up in barely tamed corkscrews, sloppily, if at all, shaved face, eyes bleary and very evidently not happy. It has been quite a late night - which for yourself does not change anything, as your inner clock always insists on chasing you up not later than 6 am – but evidently, your beau very much needs his beauty sleep.

While you try to recover a breakfast for him from the already cleaned up kitchen, your mother arrives and asks him, if he is not feeling well.
Uncomprehendingly, he just looks at her and shakes his head. Before a strong coffee, you already know, he does not even have a voice.

Your father refuses to show himself, continuing to clatter and rumour around in the garden. The boyfriend munches on his bread and sips his weak German coffee, waking up slowly but without enthusiasm.

Later, during the short walk around the place, to show him where you grew up, there is not much talk, let alone amorous effusions.

Barely an hour later, it is time for lunch. 12 o’clock, canonically, no exception.
You sit down with a growing feeling of dread, while the boyfriend stares into the void.

Your mother serves a hearty meal, pork roast with dumplings and red cabbage. The Italian, showing not even the slightest remnant of his agreeable manners from the evening before, pokes the fatty crust of the meat with his fork and visibly shudders.

Your parents concentrate on their food, you try to swallow around the nasty lump that is forming in your throat. The boyfriend soon abandons any pretence of eating, instead, he excuses himself and disappears upstairs, probably to lie down for another round of sleep.

It is time, you know. You feel their eyes on you, and finally look up into their disappointed, judgemental faces, awaiting their verdict, which will, obviously, come from your father.

And he does not keep you waiting, indeed.

“A Morgenmuffel.
I would not have expected you to make such a choice. “

And that is all it takes. The promising young man has now been indelibly marked under the shadow of that epithet, one of the worst insults a scathing German voice can apply.

You part ways forever just a few hours later, after you have taken him to the station and spoken a few meaningless words.

Then you return, to the approving smile of your parents, timely to bed after a light dinner, in order to prepare for yet another gloriously early start into the next day.

LJ Idol Week 2 – What really matters

dadi — Mon, 21 Feb 2022 14:55:44 GMT

I.
- You are a bad child.
- But why?
- You don’t play with your sister, don’t cuddle her, don’t enjoy being with her!
- I am sorry. But she is loud and grabs me and that scares me. Why does this matter?
- We cannot love you if you aren’t nice to your sister.
- I will try to be nicer, so you will love me!

I tried, but I was not good at it. I tried some more and learned to pretend.

- You are a bad girl.
- But why?
- You don’t allow your uncle to kiss you on your mouth and hug you!
- I am sorry. But he makes me feel uncomfortable. Why does this matter?
- You will never be a lovable woman if you behave so kratzbürstig (bristly) with men.
- I will try to do what he wishes, so I will become a lovable girl!

I tried, and he said I was improving, while I became numb.

- You are a bad pupil.
- But why? My grades are good, and I always know everything when asked!
- You never talk to other children and are restless during the lessons.
- I am sorry. But it makes me feel troubled to be with others in a room for so long. Why does this matter?
- How do you think anybody will like you if you disturb others when you can’t sit still and don’t chat to them when you are outside?
- I will try to behave, and to stay with the others, so they will like me!

I tried and sometimes I succeeded but they still didn’t like me, and then I became so overwhelmed that I shut down my mind.

II.
- You are a bad chum.
- But why? I always help you with your homework when you need it!
- You don’t want to hang out with the others, and you run away when we drink some beer and do funny games!
- I am sorry. But I hate how people become when they drink, and I never know how to behave during those games. Why does this matter?
- How do you think you’ll ever be really part of a group, if you don’t want to be cheerful and social?
- I will try to spend more time with your friends and behave like everybody else, so you will continue to like me!

I tried but always felt miserable and alcohol made me sick, so I did not try anymore and stayed on my own.

- You are a bad girlfriend.
- But why? I let you touch me and kiss me and do everything you want!
- You always want to be alone with me and never go out with others! You don’t want to watch funny shows, go on weekend trips, and get drunk together!
- I am sorry. But I like to be just with you, when we are with others, I never know what to say. And I am afraid of you when you are drunk! Why does this matter?
- How do you think I could ever marry somebody who wants only to hang on to me and not have fun with others?
- I will try to behave like you want, so you will continue to like me!

I tried, but just could not stand the stupidity of drunk people, so I left him.

- You are a bad employee.
- But why? I am always fast and do what I am asked to!
- You are too reserved, and you are not able to work in a team. You never eat lunch with the others and never stay longer than for your paid hours.
- I am sorry! But if I have finished my work, why does it matter if I leave?
- How do you think you’ll advance in your career if you aren’t eager to spend time with your colleagues and bosses and don’t sacrifice some of your free time for your job?
- I am sorry! I will try to talk more with the others and be less concentrated on just my own work!

I tried but I never found anything to talk about and after a while, I resigned and went to work on my own.

- You are a bad daughter.
- But why? I care for my parents and try to help them whenever they need me!
- You have left your husband and you do not want children! You don’t even show affection for your nephews and nieces!
- I am so sorry! But I am not made for motherhood and my husband wanted a more social, outgoing wife and therefore I left, so he could find one! Why does that even matter when I love my parents and would do anything for them?
- How do you think anybody can love you and care for you in your old age if you refuse your natural role as a wife and a mother? How can your parents love you if you don’t give them grandchildren at all?
- I am sorry. I will try to be nicer to my nephews and niece, but I will not have children on my own.

I tried to connect to my nephews and niece in my own way, and saw they liked me for who I am.

III.
- You are a wonderful friend.
- But why? I do not behave differently with you than I did before!
- You are there when I need you and you do not request constant contact or attention.
- I am confused. How does this matter to you when before it never did to others?
- How could it matter to them, they are too busy having fun, distracting themselves, interested only in what they like. You listen to me, as I listen to you, and our time together brings joy to us both.
- I am so glad. I would never have thought that my friendship would matter!

- You are a brilliant colleague.
- But why? I am doing things that are new to me and probably am not very proficient at them!
- You are serious, hardworking, kind to colleagues and patients alike, without wasting time in stupid chatter.
- I am surprised. I have worked harder in previous jobs and still have been found lacking. How can it matter now, that I am kind and well behaved?
- You do not feel superior to others and your commitment and diligence means a lot in a situation where everything is fluid.
- I am contented. I will continue then, always trying to improve, but serene in the knowledge that what I am doing matters.

- You are the best wife and companion one could ever hope for.
- But why? I am not healthy, often grumpy, older than you and chaotic!
- You respect my boundaries, always search for ways to please me, enjoy small things and are never bored or boring!
- I am astonished because I did all that before and it was never enough. How can it matter now?
- Because we accept, and love, each other, unconditionally, and grow and develop together.
- I am so happy that, indeed, we do. And that is what really matters.

LJ Idol - Week 1 - Black Rainbow

dadi — Tue, 08 Feb 2022 10:29:08 GMT

When I stepped outside, into that dark, cold January night in 1999, little did I know that my life was about to change.

At the time, it just seemed a mildly interesting date, born from the not yet omnipresent world of the web.

The first thing I noticed – and still see sometimes in my dreams - was that flamboyant, purple shirt, and the indigo sheen it lent to your piercing black eyes.

Then, a winter coat in an impossibly bold shade of blue.
A woollen hat, psychedelically striped in yellow and green.
Your skin, brazenly orange under the sodium vapor lamps.
And that smile, that wild, wide smile of your blood red lips.

Hypnotised, I could only stare, then smile back, and let myself be caught in your net.

Your spicy smell, the heat emanating from your body even from several steps away, enhanced the colours, until my brain was swirling like a kaleidoscope.

We walked for a long time that night, along the streets of a town where I spied your glowing reflection in every window, every wet surface, every car that passed.
I do not remember our words. I only recall the overwhelming synaesthesia that made me feel drunk and drugged, dizzy and dyspnoeic.

The frantic aura of colours around you became even more powerful when, at the end of the night, we went to your place and made love.
The feverish heat of Infrared and the otherworldly sheen of Ultraviolet then added themselves to the already manic spectrum invading my body and brain.

Later, you sat down at the piano and sang, piercing my heart with yet another storm of sensual waves.
Then you cooked for me, bright yellow noodles in a blood red tomato sauce, sprinkled with deep green basil leaves. And while we ate, you talked about the impossibly blue skies of your Sicilian home.

I was silent and stunned, savouring every second and every bite, trying to ignore my foreboding of this wondrous high to crash, desperately desiring for it to last.
And for a while, it did. We became inseparable, riding those piercing sensory emotions right through one of the coldest late winters south of the Alps.

Then, slowly, the days grew longer, warmer, and brighter.
Strange enough, as the sun lit up the world again, your colours suddenly appeared to dim.

Imperceptibly at first, showing in just a slightly less vivid tone of voice, on a garment in muted blue or a dish not seasoned with liquid fire any more.

Soon I felt the anguishing need to keep the colours alive, to not allow them to seep out from our world.
I wanted to continue to lose myself, soaring up in your dramatic sheen.

As everything darkened and paled, you told me that I had been feasting on something not mine, without returning it in kind.
Absorbing your energy, allowing it to light up my own wasted shell, irradiating borrowed, no, stolen brilliance without a thought about if – when – it would end.

Mortified and ashamed, I desperately fought to unearth a source of spirit inside myself, until I found the strength and the will to push it forward, onto you, fanning the colours again.

I was not used to create this overwhelming beauty and joy on my own. Sometimes, I did burn bright but, oh so fast, extinguished myself again, lacking the energy to carry on.
Never before, anything had seemed worth such an effort to me.

But now, I had tasted those colours, those waves of inebriating radiance and light, and could not imagine my life without them anymore.

And so, I worked hard, on whatever I thought would please you, instil you again with the fuel that would produce what I thought I needed so much.

I applied myself to what I believed was dear to you and tried to become proficient in it.
Where before I had simply relied on my natural pitch and decent voice, now I studied, exercised, and rehearsed, to fill your place with beautiful sound.
I started to run, to eat more healthily and to keep decent hours of sleep, because I knew how you valued the harmony of a tonic body with beautiful skin.

Whenever your colours started to grow dim again, when you drew away from me even in the most imperceptible way, I doubled my efforts, cooking exquisite meals, showering you with gifts I could ill afford but that, I thought, would enhance your perfection even more.

I discovered many things about myself in those weeks and months. I matured more than in many years before, I realised my own limits and tried, successfully at times, to overcome them.

But it was never enough.

As I, myself, became more attentive, assiduous, and aware, I also began to perceive that so many of your colours were not true.
Under just a subtle layer of brilliant glow, often there sat just a miserable shade of dirty grey.

The more my own senses opened, the darker you became. To no avail, I tried to revive the splendour, with poetry, sensuality, and love.
There was no port where to pour it, you had shut them all down.

That vibrant rainbow I saw in you, it might just have fizzled out in time.

Instead, it became black.

Without my admiration, my desperate efforts to please and my enthusiastic joy, you felt betrayed, and anger rose in your soul.
All that had been fiery animation, now turned to hateful spite.
You became cruel, abusive, more violent every day.

I still continued to try, for a while, to change into whatever would be enough for you, even if this caused me pain and humiliation.

The first time you called me, contemptuously, “Zelig”, I finally realised that I was giving up on myself.

And so, I left.

I closed the door forever to the possibility of seeing those colours again.
Admitting this, allowing myself to detect the true blackness in every single shade you wore as a disguise, was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

And it might just have saved my life.

LJ Idol!

dadi — Sat, 01 Jan 2022 08:20:23 GMT

Gary just announced a new round of the contest. Mini season, or something. No matter what, I'll be there! Need more writing in my life!

And you, what are you waiting for? See you there!

And finally, a few seconds...

dadi — Fri, 31 Dec 2021 21:19:54 GMT

December

And the whole year!

My 2021 in LJ

dadi — Fri, 24 Dec 2021 15:36:33 GMT

My blog statistics for 2021

Ugh I hate the "modern" post editor. Somehow doing this meme it switched me over. I want to control the html! Yuck!

Get your card here!

Daily questions for 2022

dadi — Wed, 08 Dec 2021 12:07:28 GMT

I have kindly been pointed to the new questions for 2022!

Here they are

Thank you siobhan63 for making them <3

2021 meme - 2nd half

dadi — Mon, 05 Jul 2021 12:46:12 GMT

Copied here: https://emaciatedwords.livejournal.com/137468.html

July
1. Have there been any periods in your life that could be described as being chaotic?
2. What was the last thing you bought used?
3. Has anyone ever told you that you're getting too competitive over minor things?
4. What was the first thing you ever saved up to buy with your own money?
5. After high school – straight to college or straight to work?
6. If I looked in your fridge right now, what would I find?
7. If you had to move to a new city, where would you move?
8. What did your parents do when you were growing up?
9. When someone knocks on the door, who do you think it is?
10. Did your parents live in a different country before you were born?
11. What's something you've experienced that very few others have?
12. Do you have to wear an identification badge at your job?
13. Do you like when friends stop by unexpectedly?
14. How old were you when you moved to your current home?
15. If you apply your makeup, do you do it in a specific order?
16. Were you born with naturally straight teeth?
17. Do you like going to museums? Any particular type?
18. What time do you usually go to bed at on weekends?
19. How often do you re-watch / re-read things or are you more ‘once only’?
20. If you could marry any celebrity today who would it be?
21. Do you own anything that's an antique?
22. Do you let your hair air dry or do you blowdry it?
23. How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
24. What's the first thing you do when you get on the computer?
25. What's one item that you wish you owned right now?
26. Do you like makeup?
27. What celebrity death(s) that effected you the most?
28. Musician you would like to see live if you had the chance?
29. Have you ever met an online friend in real life?
30. What would you miss most if you moved from the area you currently live in?
31. Have you ever cried in school?

August
1. Do you enjoy dancing?
2. Have you ever had a long distance relationship?
3. When you make a mess are you more likely to clean it up right away, or do you get to it later?
4. What do you look forward to the most about the colder times of the year?
5. Have you ever hung your clothes out on a clothesline?
6. What is the dumbest way you’ve injured yourself?
7. If you use libraries, what is the largest overdue fine you've ever had?
8. When was the last time you did something for the first time?
9. Which holiday is your favorite to decorate for?
10. What craft project do you want to do next?
11. Do you have any family members that you've never met?
12. When it comes to friends, what's the biggest thing you have in common?
13. Did you ever hit anything while learning to drive?
14. Do you prefer bright colors, dark colors, or pastel colors?
15. How long have you lived with the person/people you currently live with?
16. What was the dumbest thing you ever did as a teenager?
17. Would you prefer hardwood flooring or carpet in your home?
18. What’s the most you’ll pay for a pair of shoes?
19. Which flower is your favorite?
20. Which season do you think is the prettiest?
21. What is the last thing you cooked?
22. If you could live in a fictional world, which would it be?
23. Where was the farthest you’ve ever traveled from home?
24. Have you ever slammed the door when you were mad?
25. How old were you when you met your first love?
26. Were your college years the best years of your life?
27. What’s the most relaxing thing you did today?
28. What do you usually drink with breakfast?
29. How many closets does your house have?
30. What year is your car?
31. What’s the largest animal you’ve ever had as a pet?

September
1. When did you last stay in a hotel, and where?
2. Have you ever had any teeth pulled?
3. What is one of your favorite comedy movies?
4. Do you have a crush on anyone that you haven’t really talked to before?
5. What is your least favorite sour patch kids color?
6. Have you ever won a competition? If so, what was it and what did you win?
7. Did you ever take classes for a musical instrument when you were younger?
8. How often do you walk around barefoot?
9. What architectural style was your childhood home?
10. Who do you usually say hello or good morning first?
11. When was the last time you visited the park? Who did you go with?
12. What language did you take in high school?
13. Have you ever been to a drive-in theater?
14. Have you ever been on vacation with someone other than your family?
15. Do you think doctors should be able to prescribe vitamins?
16. If you have a significant other, how long have you been together?
17. Have you ever been a part of a wedding party?
18. What song are you listening to at the moment?
19. What was the last piece of furniture you purchased?
20. Do you have an iPod?
21. Do you usually have to wear a belt with your pants?
22. Have you ever donated blood? If not, why not?
23. What is a meme or picture you’ve seen recently that has made you laugh?
24. Have you ever bought something recommended by an ad on social media before?
25. How often do you go to the beach?
26. Do you ever look up actors you think you recognize in movies and shows?
27. Do you prefer earphones or over the ear headphones?
28. Do you remember when you first went on the internet?
29. What is one thing that you refuse to ever do in your lifetime?
30. Which one of your friends is the most outgoing?

October
1. Do you like rain?
2. Have you seen someone recently you used to talk to, but don’t anymore?
3. What color are your eyes?
4. How long have you known the last person you text messaged?
5. Do you keep notes, drawings or letters that people give you?
6. Have you ever locked yourself out of your car?
7. What’s your favorite kind of cheese?
8. Have you ever boycotted anything?
9. Do you have any embarrassing usernames?
10. Have you ever did well on a test when you didn’t study?
11. Do you still take hot showers when it’s hot out?
12. Do you like the picture on your ID?
13. Is there someone you pretend to like but you really don't like?
14. Have you ever raked leaves, and then played in them?
15. What is one thing you've realized or discovered lately?
16. Which family member did you inherit your hair color from?
17. What’s the average length of a shower for you?
18. What’s something about adult life you were never warned of or prepared for?
19. If you won the lottery, do you think any of your family members would ask you to give them some of your money?
20. What is the craziest thing you’ve seen happen at your workplace?
21. Would you rather read a book or listen to the audiobook?
22. Have you ever eaten snow?
23. Curtains or blinds?
24. Have you ever adopted a stray (cat or dog)?
25. Do you own/wear any jumpsuits?
26. Do you struggle with dry skin in the winter?
27. Have you ever gotten angry at an employee and complained to the manager?
28. Do you add unnecessary letters to the end of words?
29. What was the last thing you used your phone for, besides calling/texting?
30. Do you always check the prices of things when you buy groceries?
31. How many nights per week do you cook dinner at home vs. going out to eat?

November
1. Have you ever been caught outdoors away from shelter during a thunderstorm?
2. Did you ever build furniture forts as a child?
3. Do you use any medicines daily?
4. When was the last time you used a disposable camera?
5. When was the last time you flew on a plane?
6. How many first cousins do you have?
7. What’s the longest period of time you’ve gone without sleep?
8. Did the house you grew up in have a big yard?
9. What has been the most difficult class you’ve ever taken?
10. What’s something that’s much more difficult than a lot of people realize?
11. What are some things a house would need to have for you to purchase it?
12. Would you ever go out in public wearing pajamas?
13. Have you ever had a lemonade stand?
14. Do you think you look older or younger than your real age?
15. Where have you lived throughout your life?
16. Do you want any piercings?
17. What’s your mouse pad look like?
18. Have you ever been to a psychic/tarot reader?
19. How do you identify spiritually (do you follow a religion, what do you think about soul/spirit, etc.)?
20. Do you prefer your nails long or short?
21. What are your favorite smells?
22. Do you still use a radio or just use your phone/computer for music?
23. What kind of socks do you prefer to wear?
24. Do you have any family heirlooms?
25. Are there any musicians you didn't like at first but grew on you?
26. Is there anything you used to love but now dislike?
27. Your favorite place to be aside from your home?
28. What is your favorite kind of tea?
29. Any old home remedies you use when you're sick?
30. What level of brightness do you usually keep your phone at?

December
1. How old were you when you got your first car?
2. What is a topic you are uncomfortable with discussing with most people?
3. What was the longest you stayed in your own home for?
4. What is the best positive change you’ve made recently?
5. Have you ever inherited something?
6. If you have a partner, have you ever had to sleep in separate beds?
7. What is something you are skeptical about?
8. What is an unusual item you or somebody you know owns?
9. Does it bother you if someone practically bathes in perfume?
10. Have you ever won a trophy for something?
11. What is your favorite yogurt topping?
12. Have you ever done a craft project you saw on Pinterest?
13. What color were your bedroom walls painted when you were a teenager?
14. What is your favorite past time for each of the four seasons?
15. Were you voted for a superlative in high school?
16. A reality show idea that you would most definitely watch on television?
17. Which parent was more strict when you were growing up?
18. Do you ever get gut-feelings about things? Do you follow them?
19. There’s an app for everything. What apps consume the most of your time?
20. Have you ever had a bedroom with a specific theme?
21. Do you have memories from preschool?
22. Is there anything about technology that scares you?
23. What’s a word/phrase that’s commonly heard in your region, but not anywhere else?
24. Do you bite on straws, lollipop handles, or ice cream sticks?
25. Do your parents still live in the same house they raised you in?
26. What’s your favorite flavor of soda, pop or whatever else you call it?
27. What time do you usually have dinner?
28. Do you keep the cabinets in your kitchen and bathroom organized?
29. What do you wish you’d spent more time doing five years ago?
30. How often do you light candles?
31. What are you looking forward to in the next year?

April seconds

dadi — Fri, 30 Apr 2021 18:32:19 GMT

Yet another month is over!

One Second a Day - November 2020

dadi — Mon, 30 Nov 2020 19:36:43 GMT

Alicia Fundraiser

dadi — Wed, 09 Sep 2020 08:27:56 GMT

Just for those of you who are not on Facebook: Alicia (mac_arthur_park)'s family has set up a fundraiser to help with cremation expenses.

https://gf.me/u/yxg4wm

Some friends have started a facebook group to continue her mission of knitting for homeless people, but not only.
I don't knit habitually but I joined, because just to have people where to talk about her will be great.

Pimpery :)

dadi — Wed, 02 Sep 2020 14:42:59 GMT

One of the nice things happening through LJ Idol is that people who had all but given up on Livejournal now have started writing here regularly again. Alas, for some of them their "old" friends list has mostly gone other places, so in order for them to enjoy writing regularly again, they need new friends.

I have grown to appreciate some of them over the last weeks and want them to remain, so, when they allow me to, I will call out to you, my friends, to try to connect with them and se if you like each other :)

The first I want to present to you is viagra, who lives with his husband in Florida with their dogs and a cat.

The silly name notwhithstanding, he is really a nice guy ;). The just combination of a big heart, a misspent youth and occasional existential angst that makes for an interesting personality, and he really writes well, after all, he has arrived 4th in the competition!

Just comment if you like to get in contact with him directly :) Have fun!

I made it!

dadi — Tue, 01 Sep 2020 02:35:21 GMT

Thank you all so so much. It is your victory as well as mine. I would never ever have made it so far without you wonderful people <3

1 second a day - August 2020

dadi — Mon, 31 Aug 2020 19:23:11 GMT

Lots of landscapes :) And flowers and the cat, obviously.

There are still 5 more hours to vote for me! Make me win! https://www.livejournal.com/poll/?id=2104467&mode=enter

One more day..

dadi — Sun, 30 Aug 2020 17:52:22 GMT

...and then I'll stop it :D but for now....

I am infinitely grateful to all of you who already voted, but I need more! The others are getting close!
Please pimp me to your spouses, friends and parents! Share this post, or send them this link:

https://www.livejournal.com/poll/?id=2104467&mode=enter

and tell them about this weird friend of yours who'd never have thought she'd arrive even in the first 20 of those 131 and now is a finalist! And wants to win!

They can log in with their facebook, instagram or google accounts and probably twitter too, I think. No strings attached, no soul selling to Russian overlords ;) just helping out this crazy foreigner!

I'll love you all forever for it <3

Nearly forgot...

dadi — Fri, 28 Aug 2020 19:00:16 GMT

There is a poll.
THE poll.
Me against two incredibly talented writers.
Want to help me win? Vote!

And I'd be very grateful for any pimping to your friends too :)

LJ Idol - Week 32 - The Final

dadi — Thu, 27 Aug 2020 18:39:42 GMT

“Is it still far?” I finally dare to ask.

I am so tired. My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth, my bones are wary.

But there is only silence, all around.

We trudge on, knowing what expects us, but not when, or where.

Then, suddenly, his voice rings out of the fog.

“Cease your lamenting, already. This is not the time to be lazy.

Have I not guided you so far, protecting you from the perils of this place? Do you even have any idea how exhausting it is, to drag hordes of aspiring poets and writers through Hell and beyond?”

My face flushes in shame, but he has not finished yet.

“You have travelled through flood, hail and fire, survived plague and its solitude, watched hurricanes and war, all this past year.

Week after week, you barely avoided the fate of those travelling beside you, to be enveloped by Lethe along the way.

Each of you has proven their value, but only one will enter through the gates.

And since you, foreigner, have often shown impatience and sloth, I call you out first, to bring your last piece to those who will judge you in the end.

Do you deserve to win? And do your two final companions?

Remember, not alone you will ascend this chasm. To see the stars again, you will need to convince those souls out there of all your worth.

Your own chances will increase with each argument in their favour.

Improbable, I know, but that is how it works.

So, you better get started, while we walk on. There is still time, but not too much.”

I try to swallow, my throat parched and shriveled.

Ah to plunge my face into a handful of that sweet, sparkling water that is flowing down from the mountain, towards us……

“STOP IT!”

I have not realised that the tips of my fingers were about to touch the perilous fluid.

I turn around, to see who has saved me, but my companions are watching their feet on the stony ascending path, busy with their own thoughts, probably preparing their own - and my - defense.

“Thank you, Noble Guide,” I direct myself to him, who watches and protects us.

A strange noise reaches me from the mist up front.

Do ancient poets snicker? Or was it the wind between the rocks?

“Flattery won’t get you anywhere,” he says. “Concentrate and get on with it. If you don’t prefer Lethe, after all.”

I nod and try to gather my thoughts. Where to start?

Evidently I have been dithering too much, as a strong gust of wind threatens to blow me off the trail. No choice, but to begin.

“Why should I, alone, be the one to make it to the end?”

Why, indeed?

“Well, first of all, I am the only one of those still here to have exclusively relied on the voices of our own choir. I did not call for help outside the City of Dis, so it is me, who should be the true champion,” I say.

“And where is it written that you had to?” the Guide retorts.

“It was your own snobbish pride, nothing else, which told you to risk your survival so many times. Nothing to do with being worthy of the price.”

My heart stutters. Why had I always thought that this made me unique, more virtuous, among my peers? And now, it is to be a sign of conceit, not of valour.

I must try again.

“I have never played treacherous games or weaved secret alliances. In my honest match, I only fight for myself, with no double face.”

This time, he is definitely snorting in mirth.

“You are condemning yourself here, instead of mounting a plea. Strategy and plot are as essential to writing as water is to a field. You refuse them, what you show is stupidity, not noblesse.

Desperate, I grasp at another straw.

“I am competing in a language that is not my own.”

“And so what?” the disembodied voice challenges me, again.

“You knew that before you even enrolled on this quest. Should have considered it earlier, maybe? Not enough that you are too lazy and proud to ask for help and thus expose us all to your frequent mistreatments of this idiom, you even want praise for it?

Ah the nerve… “

Only biting the insides of my cheeks keeps me from bursting into tears I cannot afford.

Tasting salty blood, I know I need to step away from myself.

The Guide evidently has arrived at the same conclusion.

“Maybe you better quit wallowing in your own miserable existence for a while and concentrate on the values your companions bring to this place instead.

Who knows, you might actually discover something that really deserves praise?”

I nod, dejected but not defeated, yet.

Those two are both egregious, though so very different in their ways.

I shall begin with the one who has shared a short piece of this journey with me, many circles behind.

“kittenboo is much more than a kitten, and there is no “boo!” about her, at all.

Brutally honest with herself, she inspires the vision and courage to question your own pretence.

Her language seems deceptively straight and simple, until you pause for a moment, then you are allowed to ponder its depth.

She is never afraid to confess to her failures, her fables, her fears.

Burning desire as well as deep aversion, overwhelming love and paralysing doubt, they all capture you and do not let go until she decides to end her exposure.

In the end, what always shines through her writing like a beacon of hope, is profound and genuine compassion.

The world is a better place where she treads, where she leaves her mark.”

The Guide has allowed me to talk, without interruption.

Evidently, only when I try to laud myself I have to expect his comment and contradiction.

Thus emboldened, I proceed.

“So, encreflue.

Never a name has seemed less appropriate in my eyes, because his ink is everything but blurred.

His voice is always melodious and clear, no matter if spoken, written or sung.

With colourful words, he shines brightly in the dark. With memorable rhymes, he paints the most stunning tableaus.

A truly polyhedric artist, with each of his creations he expands into more dimensions than one - not just poetry, but cantata, not just prose, but sapient construction of worlds.

In a few lines, he manages to evoke concepts so complex, others would need the space of a book. “

I pause, and wait. Should I go on?

Again, the Guide knows my thoughts.

“You still own a short span of time,” he says.

“We are nearing a third of our ascent, and soon, the next one will have their say.

If there is anything else you desire to tell, to defend your cause, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

For an endless, atrocious moment, my mind is empty, my lips are sealed.

With a desperate effort of will, I push forward and open my mouth, allowing the words to form themselves as they will.

“I deserve to go further, because the voice I have found does not speak for me alone.

Throughout the course of this journey, I have laboured to turn into prose what had been buried deep in my soul, never revealed before.

From bitter, painful silence, in each circle we have passed, new spirit has dared to emerge.

Weak and insecure still, but alive.

Ready to grow into its own, to talk for those of us who are born prisoners in their own minds.

And now free.

Free, at last, from the paralysing shackles of fear and doubt, from the ingrained conviction to have nothing to say.“

A sharp wind sweeps through the chasm and dries the tears on my face.

For a second, the merest idea of a star seems to shine down on our path, then disappears in the dark waters of Lethe.

“Now be silent and continue on your road,” Virgil calls out.

“You will meet your companions near the summit, before I open the gate.”

Just a few more hours until dawn.

And then we emerge, to see—once more—the stars.

======================================================================
EPILOGUE - Divine Comedy, Dante Alighieri. Inferno, Canto 24, Mandelbaum Translation

The breath within my lungs was so exhausted

from climbing, I could not go on; in fact,

as soon as I had reached that stone, I sat.

“Now you must cast aside your laziness,”

my master said, “for he who rests on down

or under covers cannot come to fame;

and he who spends his life without renown

leaves such a vestige of himself on earth

as smoke bequeaths to air or foam to water.

Therefore, get up; defeat your breathlessness

with spirit that can win all battles if

the body’s heaviness does not deter it.

A longer ladder still is to be climbed;

it’s not enough to have left them behind;

if you have understood, now profit from it.”

Then I arose and showed myself far better

equipped with breath than I had been before:

“Go on, for I am strong and confident.”

========================================================================

Woo-Triple-Hoo

dadi — Tue, 25 Aug 2020 07:20:40 GMT

I swear, I have gone to bed yesterday evening, convinced that I'd wake up looking at LJ Idol from outside.

But then, switching on my phone at 5:30 am, I discovered that I am a finalist.

And this I owe only and exclusively to you, my beloved LJ friends. Only with your help, I have actually made it. With no whatsoever other social media support. That is something to celebrate, right?

I am sorry about viagra, who in my opinion would have truly deserved to be a finalist too! (As did a lot of others who have been voted out over the last weeks, I am still crying over karmasoup, just to name one example and because I came to know her well, being partnered for one week in this contest!)

Well, now I'll have to overcome my hate of everything competition and gameplaying and such and give it my everything, right? No lame excuses, no lazy "whatever will happen, will happen".
If I have come so far, I am in this to win, as improbable this might be. At least I will be able to say I tried!

So, there will be one last time later this week where I will ask for your assistance and then I'll stop blathering about all of this :) I am truly grateful that you haven't unfriended me over it yet ;)

In any case, however it turns out in the end, it has been a truly great experience. Something that has helped me enormously much to ovecome a lot of my inner barriers, to push against that apathy, that impostor's syndrome. Like, nearly a year of free therapy! I can only recommend it :)