...cross chick...

crosschick — Wed, 19 Sep 2012 13:19:44 GMT

When Grandad died, I thought my most favourite grandparent had died. But I'm having a much harder time of it with Nana passing away. Today grocery shopping with Pa was a strange experience, I was meant to be the "responsible" one in that situation but I don't think responsible is a word anybody describes me with!

I feel like I'm in a reverse world where I'm in a situation I put some people in years ago, and I don't feel like I can deal with it very well. I feel on the cusp of losing a very close friend L, but I don't know if I'm on the cusp of preventing it or i've just gone over the cusp into having lost her. Not in a physical way, I know where to find her, but in a mental way. I think she's fallen through my grasp on keeping her emotions and being someone she can trust.

I used to think I was a pretty smart kind of person but now I find myself always wondering silly things, like what are buttons made of and how does fairy floss work and where does the dirt under my nails come from? I feel like becoming unintelligent is my punishment for having thought I was intelligent once upon a time.

It's a very strange feeling, feeling like I'm bitching about people in my head all the time. Were people always like this, was I more tolerant, have I become less tolerant or did they get worse? I don't know.

At least I feel a little better having written it down. Sometimes I wish I had kept up my writing, I enjoyed it so perhaps I will get the habit back again. Writing it down feels like I've told it to 'something', put it into the wide wide world so somebody can read it if they like to and wonder about why somebody writes some weird things.

Careerey

crosschick — Tue, 05 Jun 2012 13:16:06 GMT

i'm going through this kind of randomness funness at the moment do to with my careerness. (wow, so many -nesses in that sentence, not even on purpose).

It's when people say 'so what do you do?' or 'what do you study?' and I reply 'I'm a nursing student' or 'nursing'. The person who is asking, their face softens, there mouth relaxes in the corners and there eyes start to smile. They mentally think oh what a nice person, studying nursing . Like all nurses are so nice and so caring and trustworthy. It makes me want to come up with random careers to see what happens.

Supermarket cashier: So what do you do?
Me: Debt Collector
Supermarket cashier: I owe nuthin'. Serious.

Librarian: So what do you study?
Me: Admin for a brothel
Librarian: Pardon?
Me: You heard me.

Christian book shop attendant: So what do you do?
Me: Tattoo artist
Christian book shop: *mutters* Leviticus 19:28, Leviticus 19:28...

It'd be fun ey?

Exam stress sucks. The muscles in the middle of my back and shoulders (which i should probably know the name of) are so tense I can't even roll over in the night without waking myself up. I'm on my no-refined-carbs diet to lose the sugar in my diet and my parents have promised to support me and they've been doing awesome awesome awesome until tonight when mum said she'd pick up some fruit for me and totally forgot and then Dad cooked spaghetti for dinner. I can't eat spaghetti. Dad got all offended when I said i'd just work out my own dinner. Mum got all weepy about not getting the fruit. I could've dealt without the fruit and I can organise my own dinner, but my parents getting worked up about it really grates on my nerves. This diet was your idea! Don't get annoyed at me! I'm trying ok!

Update?

crosschick — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 01:53:14 GMT

It's been over a year since I put any update on here.

What alot has happened! I think I will write a little summary of life as a fresh start - i am hoping to get some more writing going (I think it's good for me) so this journal can be a place to start.

I am 23 year old female who lives at home with both my parents and two younger sisters. My older brother has moved out and interstate. We have 3 dogs who are super important in our family life, each with their own dynamic personality. There is no doubt in my mind that I will continue to own dogs my whole life.

I graduated from an Arts degree in July (majors in French/Psychology) and i'm hopeful to go back and study nursing at some stage. I'm currently worked as a "Service Consultant" in an insurance company full time which, although a bit boring, is a pretty good job.

In my spare time I volunteer as a youth group leader at Glen Wav Uniting Church and attend discussion group there also. I don't have many other hobbies that I activly pursue though I'm hoping to change that as soon as I can! I read alot (3-4 books a week), watch quite a bit of TV (boring) and like to surf the web for random informations.

I spend time with a few different friendship groups though at the moment I'm finding some of my companions more overwhelming than others.

I like cards and postcards! I love to receive mail! I love to send mail! I love reality tv! I like to cook, dance and conversate.

Hopefully I'll do some more chronicalling of my life as time goes by. We'll see how it goes.

A x

crosschick — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 13:58:23 GMT

Right so.
Just 'mentioned' to a friend that the reason i was a bit emotional at last years ball (this time last year) was due to my sister's suicide attempt. No offense, but if i want to be a wreck about that then I'm going to be a wreck. Not interested in being told its 'not a good enough excuse'.

Fuck that.
Imagine losing your sister.
Everyday, re-imagining.

Memory leaves

crosschick — Thu, 13 May 2010 15:38:24 GMT

It's about this time, in the stillest, darkest part of the night that I let memories soak into my skin and play across my eyes like a cinema.

It's all about my grandad.

It's not overwhelming sadness - it's just memories and a sense of longing.

The smile that lit up his face, the clothes he wore, the big 'L' and 'R' on his moccasins, his voice asking me to check how long to go on the dialysis machine...his face in the last minutes without glasses or the mouth mask.

One night last week I couldn't sleep, and I sat up half the night looking at photo albums. I found a picture from when we lived on Meerut St, my grandad sitting on the sofa which looks like somebody threw a cup of coffee all over it with my brother kneeling nearby, watching the footy. It felt like my Grandad.

On the 26th, the whole family went to see Geelong vs Carlton. Dad said "this will be the first football match Grandad will watch in a while" and I felt confused, I can't envisage heaven easily, but I felt glad that we were going to see the game because he would have wanted to, so we were, for him.

When I lie in bed at night, I feel like all the memories settle around me like leaves settling under a tree in Autumn. It's like i've been lying under the tree and I'm slowly watching each memory flutter down to rest near or far or on me.

More and more I feel sad that he died, but I also feel joy in the memories. There are no bad memories. Every memory is a good one.

When that's the case, you know that my grandad was an extraordinary person.

Grandad

crosschick — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 14:33:24 GMT

My Grandad passed away on Saturday, 24th April.

I don't have one memory where I have been annoyed or irritated with him, I have been sad but most of my memories with him are so happy.

When I was 8, he and Dad took me to my first football game at Kardinia Park. It was Geelong vs Port Adelaide, and Geelong won. At half time he bought me my first Geelong scarf and at 3-quarter time he bought me a kit kat. He let me wave not only my flag but his and even let me wave the flag all the way back to the car as I bounced along. On my birthday I got the scarf and another kit kat. Because of him, I am so passionate about Geelong.

Whenever I saw my Grandad, he was happy to see me. Even if he couldn't get up out of the chair, he would be happy to see me and make me feel so loved.

Just before I went to France, I had lunch at his place. He told the other people there every one of my achievements that he could remember - some of them even I didn't remember anymore. He remembered everything I told him.

Even when my other grandparents irritated me, I never felt annoyed with him. I would look forward to seeing him each time.

I had a sleepover at his place when I was very young, and he bought a packet of textas for me to draw pictures with. Of course I got ink all over my hands and he spent ages trying to get it off. He let me look at all the treasures in his study and eat his diabetics lollies. He kept coming to the football with us even when Dad insisted that he came in a wheelchair.

He was a person I always hoped I would introduce my future husband to.

I think he would do anything to make people happy. He would give my aunts money when they flew to Melbourne to pay for the air fare. He would let me come to see him at dialysis, and even wake up to talk to me if I came in the middle of a nap. He spoke often about how good everybody was to him, when it was him being good to everybody else.

He hated making a fuss. He hated hospitals and doctors and he hated his children going away on holidays. He hated anyone having to change plans to accomodate him.

He was good in a way that didn't involve money and material possessions - he gave in kindness, generosity and a genuine interest for everyone around him.

At the funeral, my relatives from all over the country came together to commemorate his life. For the first time in a long time, everybody was together. I think that is the perfect way for us to have celebrate Grandad- to bring people together through love and compassion. He hated a fuss, but I think he would've liked us all being there together to remember him.

I loved, and love, him very much. He was an extraordinary man and a fantastic grandad. There is alot I'd like to write, but in the end, its just a feeling about a wonderful man that I wish didn't have to go.

Unspoken words

crosschick — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 12:11:39 GMT

Sometimes you just want to go and say something to someone but you know you can't? So you write it on the internet and hope that somehow they'll find there way there and understand.

You didn't break my heart with anything to do with romantic love. You broke my heart when you broke my trust.

You didn't break my heart telling me you didn't like me, you broke my heart telling me to stop talking to you.

You broke my heart when you said for me to not tell you my secrets, letting the anger and sadness escape out of me slowly like a balloon with a tiny, tiny tear.

You broke my heart rejecting my company and turning into the person you said you never wanted to be. You broke my heart by pretending it was all the same, and you broke it even more when I realised you didn't know.

I might not have a broken heart anymore, but I don't have the friend I used to and it makes me hate myself and hate you.

Wow

crosschick — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 06:43:50 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIFCrPGC0mM&feature=rec-r2-2r-2-HM

Go watch.

Wow. Just wow.

The picture sucks, the sound drops out, but wow.

crosschick — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 05:54:39 GMT

Sans tonsils...my throat is sore and my pain medication makes me feel like i'm make of concrete, really slow and gluggy like I'm constantly dragging my limbs through a big vat of honey. They also make me drowsy so I've been sleeping alot.

The hospital was okay, I was in recovery (post-surgery) for about two hours while they found a bed for me but that was okay, because my nurse in recovery was called Bruce and answered all my questions (like, what sports do you play? why do you wear sneakers?) and guessed the ages of all the nurses in the room and was told I could stay FOREVER since I guessed them all at least 10 years younger than they were. They also gave me morpheine. Twice.

Then they moved me to a short term general medical ward, where Mel was my nurse and a nursing student was taking all my obs etc. She was really kind and managed to restrain me from getting up to go to the bathroom (apparently if I'd succeeded in getting up I would've most likely collapsed on the floor, oops). Sharon was my afternoon/evening nurse who was lovely too :) she liked my skelamital monkey! and didn't make me eat any dinner even though mum was trying to make me. The beds were pretty good for hospital beds (or maybe that was just the morpheine).

In the morning I was discharged! I got to come home and I've mainly slept since then...I really need a shower but can't stand up for long enough to wash my hair...so not sure what i'll be doing about that. Fairly sure it'll involve Mum, the bath and a jug. Ug.

I can't really eat much - i'm getting down water only because I know the consequence is goign back to the hospital for an IV drip but food (including icecream and jelly ) is way to hard.

I'm goign to go now because my brain feels like its about to start moving really slowly again.

A little late, but 2009 in review!

crosschick — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 01:59:02 GMT

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Did second year uni, did uni part time, went to Yarrawonga, went on a houseboat, organised a dinner that raised $11,000 for charity!

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
You know I probably made a bunch, but I didn't keep them as I don't even remember them

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nup

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nup

5. What countries did you visit?
Australia...and at the start of the year I was in PORTUGAL! and France!

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A bit more self confidence

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
My 21st. Other 21sts. Houseboat

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Finishing second semester uni!

9. What was your biggest failure?
I don't know if I could say I had failures...that'd just be sad, but going off meds unsuccesfully wasn't much fun

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yeah colds, flu, tonsilitus, sore feet

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Um. I bought lots of things. I don't know.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Mine :D

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mine :(

14. Where did most of your money go?
FOOD, telephone credit, clothes and shoes

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My 21st!

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
No idea. I don't really associate songs with things so much.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Happier
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter I think
c) richer or poorer? Richer!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Nothing. I'm satisfied how it all went.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
see Q18

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family eating christmas lunch

21. What was your favorite month of 2009?
Uh. Not sure. Everything had its ups and downs

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Nup

23. How many one-night stands?
0

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Beauty and the Geek Australia

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nup

26. What was the best book you read?
Hmm, tough question. 'Breath' by Tim Winton maybe

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
John Mayer's album Continuum

28. What did you want and get?
A hug

29. What did you want and not get?
H1s in every subject (haha)

30. What were your favorite films of the year?
I don't think I saw many films this year...I saw 'New Moon' does that count

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was sick in bed most of the day. Mum cooked my favourite meal for dinner and I ate like 3 bites of it. That's all I remember. I was 21.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Um....magically losing weight?

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
What-can-I-put-on-really-quickly-so-i'm-not-late-for-uni

34. What kept you sane?
friends

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Lol, I guess it would have to be Robert Pattison (LOL) although James McAvoy is up there

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Awareness of mental health

37. Who did you miss?
My sisters

38. Who were the best new people you met?
Ingrid, Mel, new people at college!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
One step at a time. Stay positive.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"I am a rolling wave without the motion, a glass of water longing for the ocean"

Portsea!

crosschick — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 03:29:05 GMT

This is my first day off from work at Portsea so I thougth i'd write a quick update.

I am really enjoying work except for the actual bit where I have to work. Still, it keeps me out of the house, keeps me busy and earns me money! My co-workers are all really, really friendly. They are:
Guy - quintessential gay guy who sings off tune loudly and constantly, thinks half the things I say are hilarious and is so easy to get along with
Wayan - the oldest worker who looks 20 years younger than she is!!! Always bringing me coffee when I'm doing dishes
Millie - At first I thought she was a bit quiet, but I think she just isn't as extroverted as everyone else, gives me lifts home every now and then
Chelsey - Guy's sister, very LOUD and dances around everywhere
Sheree - Miss Efficient!!! A bit quiet but really direct and gives good instructions
Ali - teaches me all the different afternoon jobs and is lots of fun
Jeremy and Sarah - the other two juniors

It's really hard work, I'm constantly running around but its fun because everyone else is fun to work with.

At home we are teaching Mum and Dad how to play 'MarioKart' although Mum's main concern is that she bumps into walls and they have no ambulance to save her. Oh, Mum.

My life is pretty much work in the day time and watching telly in the evenings, but AMBER is coming to visit me on Saturday and we will go to the RYE CARNIVAL! I am so excited to see her and go to the carnival you cannot believe!!!!!

I haven't been to the beach yet but that's okay since I don't really like the beach. At the house I am sleeping in a little shed we have out the back, I call it the 'mouse house' and want to let Annie (the dog) sleep in there but Mum and Dad have said N-O! Because it is outside there is all the noise from the houses around so I get the kids from the house behind who jump on the trampoline at 6am!! Silly kids.

For New Years, I am doing NOTHING! Isn't that sad? I have work at 8am the next day but, well, it's not like I have any other choices. Kate has her boyfriend down here, Jo has a million friends and Tom is happy on his own. I bought some books today so fingers crossed I can keep myself amused. Mum and Dad are making a small effort so I don't get lonely or feel left out, but with work all the time it isn't really a problem.

There is early morning yoga on the beach so maybe I'll give that a try.

I'm not on the internets often so I won't respond to emails etc.

Hope you are all well!!!

Perspective

crosschick — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 10:17:56 GMT

Sometimes all you need is a different perspective.

Seriously.

Last night I had a good chat with a friend, an old school friend who I always enjoy myself and feel at ease with but who I don't often have long in-depth chats with.

I think I should more often. It was nice to get just a completley different opinion and thoughts on ideas and it was especially nice not to feel like I was being judged on all the actions I'd done before. Not that this person didn't know about the actions, but that they weren't thinking of me along those lines. Perhaps it's because our adolescence has followed similar paths or maybe its just because this particular person just doesn't place everything into a context.

In short, the last two days I have been much, much happier than I have been for awhile.

Don't get me wrong, the people I often talk to aren't bad friends and they DO often help me. Just sometimes it seems like everybodies opinion meshes into one, so it's nice to have a second voice, giving me more options. A voice that gets the anxiety but at the same time says what they think. It's not surprising that sometimes peoples opinion mesh into one, friends usually share to some extent the same ideas about life and they influence each others ideas.

Basically, thank you Miss Lady Lemon for answering all my crazy questions and telling me what you think. It really helped.

xx

friends

crosschick — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 05:38:44 GMT

"When I see you, I see everything good about the world"

"You should know that straight after the AGM a whole bunch of people came up to me and said you would never say anything like that, so know you have some good friends out there who will defend you and your character"

I have the bestest friends ever.

xx oo

Going to a Murder Mystery Party this evening - my character is 'Mimi Martini' so it should be a fun night and can't wait to see what happens!

Ali

SGM

crosschick — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 13:51:14 GMT

Tonight was Student General Meeting at college.

I'm a student so I must attend. I'm also a convenor so I have to present a report about the year.

In preparation, I wrote some notes about what I wanted to say and sent them to my co-convenor who said she would add them to the speech.

I'm sick, so I slept all afternoon and turned up to the SGM where she handed me a copy of the speech.

A) It had no parts of what I wanted to say in it
B) It insulted a member of college

Despite being very angry, I said my part of the speech (which did not have insults directed towards the college member) and sat down. Said college member took the oppotunity to publically deny everything that was said in the speech. Frustrated beyond belief, few tears slipped out.

Reasons for frustration:
1) I didn't get to say what i wanted to say in the speech and I thought I had some really good ideas
2) I was implicated as thinking something I didn't
3) I was publically humiliated for it

Result: Can't sleep, very upset.

Today's been ok...

crosschick — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 15:16:40 GMT

When it rains sometimes I wonder if it's because someone special, someone who is a really, really good person, someone who does not deserve to, dies. And the rain is the world crying for them.

Then sometimes it rains for a long, long time because when it rains, more car accidents happen, more emergencies occur and more people die. And perhaps some of those people are more of the good people who don't deserve to die.

Or maybe, it's just science.

Hmm

crosschick — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 12:39:03 GMT

So the shrink is back from holiday.

It's kind of hard to go from Mayfair to "GO". You think you're right near the end and suddenley you're right back where you started.

crosschick — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 14:06:45 GMT

Just because you know that something is the right thing to do logically and rationally, it doesn't make it any easier to do.

Writer's Block: Cute Meet

crosschick — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 08:17:11 GMT

I've got to say the best 'how-we-met' story I know belongs to the great-grandparent's of a good friend of mine.

The great-grandpa was a soldier in the army and on his time off had a bit of a tryst with a local around the place. Following the tryst he developed an STD and had to go to the army hosptial. At the hospital, he was treated by a nurse...who he later fell in love with.

As my good friend likes to say, "I'm here because of a STD!"

crosschick — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 06:06:48 GMT

I think about before I was on my medication, I think about being on it, I think about being off it and I think about being on it again. I think about how easy it was to get up at 8am to go to the gym and how easy it is now to stay in bed until midday. I think about doing 200 sit ups before i go to bed and i think about lying on the floor staring at the ceiling. I think about year 11 and 12 music camp. I think about calling and texting people in the middle of the night and i think about being scared that a serial killer is in my house. I think about watching documentaries, about spelling bees, about fast food and about mass murderers. I think about rocky road. I think about hair dying and nose piercing. I think about running across roads and head lights approaching. I think about rolling down hills. I think about 10 minutes psych appointments and I think about 45 minute psych appointments. I think about doing aeroplanes and I think about jumping up and down. I think about singing in french. I think about drawing with pastels and throwing my things around the room. I think about tiny stickers in the shapes of stars in different colours: red, blue, silver, gold, green. I think about icecream with milo. I think about eating dinner at 5pm. I think about 'Girl, Interrupted'. I think about CBT therapy. I think about DBT therapy. I think about art therapy. I think about group therapy. I think about sleeping. I think about MTV and Channel V. I think about everything and nothing. I think about thinking.

Nothing like you and I

crosschick — Thu, 28 May 2009 13:34:38 GMT

Okay, my journal title is a reference to the song 'Nothing like you and I' by the Perishers, my current favourite song and as much as I love it (and the tv series Greek) it's totally doing in my head cos all I do is mope about not having a boyfriend!

Of course, every time I finish an episode of Greek I run across the sink room to Rosie and lie on her bed and whinge while she looks at diagrams of beetroot cross sections illustrated with their cell biology. So far, she has agreed that boyfriends would be nice things to have but even better would be to wait and find someone I REALLY like instead of a) finding some poor guy to become my temporary boyfriend or b) kiss a bajillion people hoping that a lifelong relationship will spring out of it.

Maybe she's right. Maybe I should just wait for the guy who will love me dressed up (complete with terrible eyeliner) and going out to get trashed and carrying me home at the end of the night and also love me camped out in front of the telly with a bowl of icecream in my pjs with messy hair. The guy who will skip down the street with me and not laugh (too much) at me doing aeroplanes when I get excited and who will try EVERYTHING I cook even though its not really that great sometimes. Who can put up with my moodiness and temper tantrums and forgive me every time I accuse them of not paying me enough attention or not really liking me...

...or second thought maybe that guy doesn't exist.

And even though I am COMPLETLEY ready to wait for that guy to turn up, I kind wish I had confirmation that he was going to at some point. It would make it a hell of a lot easier.

But until then - The Perishers and cheesy teen drama-romance series it is!

Humpth!

crosschick — Mon, 25 May 2009 01:16:26 GMT

Well, going back onto meds has commenced.

It's a fairly annoying thing to be happening, number one because the biggest site effect of going onto my specific med is that it causes anxiety. I hate feeling anxious. It's just... gar! It makes me just want to sleep all day and not do anything at all. Probably doesn't help that my iron is low, but I'm getting an iron infusion soon so fingers crossed I feel jumpier soon.

My weight is really concerning me at the moment, i'd really like to lose some before my bday party. I've been going to the gym as much as I can bear but I'm not sure I'm seeing any results. Fingers crossed it works out.

Alice xo

Grump

crosschick — Tue, 19 May 2009 03:06:44 GMT

Everytime I put a piece of food in my mouth it feels really strange, it feels really out of place like it should be anywhere but in my mouth and I have to do all I can to resist the urge not to spit it out. It happened with the soup last night, the eggs this morning and the lunch of many different things I tried today (tuna, break roll, strawberry, tofu with veggies, salad, calamari). I'm really hungry, but as soon as I see food I just can't eat it. I don't know why. I can tell you when it happened, just I don't know why its happening.

I'm going back on my meds. I saw the psych this morning and we had a chat (about many things, but including my daily life since I went off meds) and he listed the observations he had made (withdrawal from normal activities, great anxiety about weight and changed behaviour in relation to it, bad sleep, lack of motivation at uni) and said that if it went on much futher, it could just all fall apart and well...we know what happened last time.

I'm pretty angry. I went to the session and worked hard, I was really honest even when I didn't want to be and the result is that I'm back on meds. In my mind it doesn't seem fair.

I think i'm 'coping' at the moment. But I don't think its much more than that. I'm tired, I'm hungry and I have to go on meds.

Fun, not.

crosschick — Wed, 13 May 2009 03:59:19 GMT

Well, I think it is about time for another update in the life of ali-chay and her going off meds.

Well, the head fogginess and appetite thing have stopped. That's always good. I've got to say my anxieties about my weight have just about shot through the roof, I can't remember being this anxious for a long time.

I have a herbal supplement to help me sleep so hopefully I'll be catching a few more Z's at a more reasonable hour. I'm also trying to do gym sessions 4 times a week because apparently exercise is really good for mental health (and weight loss, if I'm being honest). I wish I could find a list of foods which are really full of serotonin or something but the only one I know is banana and I don't like them.

I suppose the only concerning thing at the moment is how difficult I am finding it to have fun. I went to the pub last night, was there for like an hour then went "I'm bored. I"m going home". I can't even get interest in a movie at the moment! Everytime somebody suggests an activity to me I feel kind of like "yeah, I guess" in stead of YES ! HOORAY!

Maybe this is because I'm tired, but perhaps need to find some activities I can really immerse myself in. I'm looking up cake decorating courses at the moment as a start. Maybe I would enjoy that.

Stress

crosschick — Fri, 08 May 2009 04:00:31 GMT

This process is full of site effects that I expect and the ones I don't expect.

The ones I don't expect are mainly physical, so I can deal with them. Foggy head? Whatever. Weird appetite? Copable. Ongoing persistent fatigue? Could be worse.

WHat's getting to me is my inability to TURN OFF.
I go to bed at night and THINK. I so enjoyed lying in bed and just...not stressing! Not jumping out of bed several times to write lists about things to do the next day. Not making notes of who to call and why. Not reasoning about how I would timetable the coming weeks.

Le sigh. I know its all a learning process, but please, can someone just knock me out so I can get a decent night sleep? I don't want to stare at the back of my eyelids anymore.

Tsch-cha.

TV trauma

crosschick — Mon, 04 May 2009 04:07:06 GMT

So, on the weekend I watched RPA episodes with Mum. They were treating this 17 year old boy for cancer, they amputated his arm and most of his shoulder blade to try and get all the tumour and malignancies out. The operation went really well and he recovered quickly. I was really happy, so glad to see somebody had a happy ending. Then at the end of the show they say how all the people on that episode are going, first they show him kicking a soccer ball around then freeze the image and say 'unfortunately' and say how he passed away shortly after.

So then I watched "Masterchef", which is a fantastic show, and enjoyed watching people cooking all these different foods and try out new things and learn stuff. Then they told half the people there they had to go home because although they were VERY VERY GOOD they just weren't EXCELLENT. And that made me sad because those people got so far but didn't quite make it.

So I decided to watch Greys, where my favourite character is dying of cancer, my second favourite character spent the episode nursing a dying child and the other characters were fighting. I did see some very pretty wedding dresses though.

Is all TV this depressing? Is this why I stopped watching it?

Sometimes I'll be like "I wish my life was like on TV!" but quite honestly, I hope my life is nothing like TV and is boring and dull and not much happens.

Anti-D news, I am feeling a tiny bit less foggy but my appetite is bizarre. I get really really hungry and as soon as I take a bite of food I start feeling sick. Mum said to just use my head to decide how much I should be eating at what time of the day etc. My head says I shouldn't be eating at all, my other head says I should eat whatever I want because at the moment being happy is more important than healthy eating. Hmm.

Mum gave me ecinachea too. It's good for phlegm build up apparently. I hope so.

xxoo