The Garrosh scribe sweepstakes

Posted in General, Transcripts with tags , , , , , , , , on December 21, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

orgrimmar8

First off, since everyone has been asking, Mokvar is doing okay.  He’s got a shaman over in the Valley of Wisdom he’s been checking in with, and he’s been resting up mostly.  Ji Firepaw has been spending a fair amount of time over there too when he hasn’t been running all over the place with some of his panda friends.  So far Malkorok hasn’t dug up any leads, but I’m giving him a lot of latitude – I want this thing squared away before we leave for Pandaria in a few days.

The upcoming voyage, though, just serves as a reminder of how badly I need an interim scribe, seeing as Mokvar isn’t going to be coming, at least not at first.  I’ve gotten some interest from a few people – although I’m definitely still taking applications – and I figured the best way to go about this is to let them all have a tryout.  I had a meeting earlier with Malkorok and Eitrigg, along with Malkork’s peeps Gul’tar and Blood Guard Gro’tash, and so I invited a few of the contenders to attend and show what they can do.

So, here we go with today’s scribe auditions, starting with…

nerog

Nerog, inscription trainer from the Drag:

 

EITRIGG:  Shall we begin, Warchief?

GARROSH:  A member of our company yet remains absent – you, gentlemen: have you any notion of where Malkorok might be?

GUL’TAR:  He said he would be here after seeing Mokvar about the attack.  …  We can fill in for him if need be, sir.

GARROSH:  Very well.

EITRIGG:  Have you made the final troop assignments, Warchief?

GARROSH:  The final rosters have been cast; I shall arrange for copies for Malkorok and yourself once our new scribe is in place.

EITRIGG:  Yes, sir.  Have we been able to gather enough troops from Mulgore to fill out this initial wave?  I know Baine had expressed some concerns about gathering a large force on short notice…

GARROSH:  Ah, ask not one man more from Mulgore!  Rather proclaim it throughout our host, that he that has no stomach to this fight – let him depart!  We would not die in that man’s company!

EITRIGG:  As you say, sir.  We few, we merry few…

GARROSH:  Have you completed the compilation of our gathered intelligence on the peoples of Pandaria?

EITRIGG:  Yes, sir.  There are the pandaren, obviously, with whom we’ve established contacts now in multiple regions.  Their primary nemesis appears to be a race called the mogu.

…

(Eitrigg outlines the mogu race: former rulers of Pandaria, overthrown, recently returned, power to put souls into stone)

EITRIGG:  Perhaps it might be worth conducting some research at the mogu ruins?  A reason to bring a contingent from the Reliquary?

GARROSH:  A worthwhile idea, I suppose, especially in that bringing some number of the blood elves might facilitate the strained relations with their people of late.

EITRIGG:  Yes, sir.

(Malkorok enters somewhat unsteadily.)

MALKOROK:  Apologies for being late, Warchief. …

GUL’TAR:  Sir, what happened?  You look—

MALKOROK:  There was an…incident at that scribe’s dwelling.

GARROSH:  I shudder to imagine the condition of your foe, though you appear to have been wounded yourself.

MALKOROK:  My adversary took the worse of the exchange, enough that he saw fit to flee.

…

The scribe escaped …

GARROSH:  What happened?

MALKOROK:  I had some questions to ask the scribe about the other night.

…

I wasn’t inclined to leave it to chance.

…

GARROSH:  And I take it he got away?

MALKOROK:  Unfortunately

EITRIGG:  How did he manage to escape?

…

GARROSH:  A fair query, in light of your supposed prowess in both combat and security.

MALKOROK:  I had gained the upper hand when I was stunned somehow.  There may have been a second party

…

GARROSH:  In that case, as we now have potentially multiple rogue parties loose in Orgrimmar, I want security tightened, especially in light of our imminent departure for Pandaria.

…

Speaking of which, one other item pertaining to the voyage, and I cannot stress its importance enough.

EITRIGG:  Yes, Warchief?

GARROSH:  Do NOT.  Tell Vol’jin.  When we’re leaving.

 

So, you know, as much as I like this guy – he was really doing a good job of capturing my command of the language, if I say so myself, something even our boy Mokvar sometimes cuts corners with, FOR WHAT REASON I CANNOT IMAGINE – but it’s pretty painfully obvious he just couldn’t keep up.  Way too much skipping stuff and glossing over and what-have-you.

This, obviously, raises some questions about…you know…why this guy is the freaking inscription TRAINER around here, but whatever.

Next…

sinzi

Sinzi Sparkscribe, ink vendor:

 

EITRIGG
Shall we begin, Warchief?

GARROSH
We’re still short one advisor.  Do you guys know where Malkorok is?

GRO’TASH
I think he was going to speak to Mokvar about the attack, Warchief.  There were some follow-up questions.

GUL’TAR
We can fill in for him if need be, sir.  Even take notes if you think…

GARROSH
[Looks over to the trio of scribes.]
I think we’ve already got that covered.

EITRIGG
Have you made the final troop assignments, Warchief?

GARROSH
I have the rosters written up.  I’ll get copies to you and Malkorok soon.

EITRIGG
Yes, sir.  Have we been able to gather enough troops from Mulgore to fill out this initial wave?  I know Baine had some concerns…

GARROSH
Not as many as I’d like, but we’ll make due without them.  I’m not going to lose a lot of sleep over a shortage of half-hearted conscripts.

EITRIGG
If you say so, sir.

GARROSH
Have you finished compiling the reports on the local races we’re liable to encounter?

EITRIGG
Yes, sir.  There’s the pandaren, obviously, with whom we’ve established contacts now in multiple zones.  Their primary nemesis appears to be a race called the mogu – a curious race, it would seem, who apparently ruled Pandaria tyrannically for a prolonged period before being overthrown by the pandaren.

GARROSH
So hold on, they were overthrown by the pandaren?  I’m not exactly scared of these guys.

EITRIGG
Still, sir, they appear to have been very much feared, and have just recently reappeared.  And they seem to have possessed the power to infuse living souls into stone, either to imprison or to preserve for eventual reawakening.

GARROSH
Huh.  I think Krog mentioned something like that recently.

EITRIGG
Perhaps it might be worth conducting some research at some of the mogu ruins while we’re there?  All the more reason to bring that contingent from the Reliquary?

GARROSH
Yeah, couldn’t hurt.  Plus, like I said before, it might help smooth things over a little with Lor’themar if I bring a few extra blood elves for the trip.

EITRIGG
Yes, sir.

[Malkorok enters, bruised.]

MALKOROK
My apologies for being late, Warchief.  There was an…incident at the scribe’s dwelling.

GARROSH
You look like you took a few pretty good shots…

MALKOROK
Rest assured, Warchief, my adversary took the brunt of the exchange.  Enough so that they saw fit to fl e.

EITRIGG
W at happen d?  Wh t abo t Mokv r?  Is he a l rig t?

MALKOROK
The scribe…es ape d unsc thed so f r  s I k  w.

…

 

[The transcript trails off at this point, with a note in pencil indicating “Out of ink.”]

 

So okay…hang on.

Let’s even set aside the fact that she knew this was her scribing audition here, and the fact that under those circumstances you would THINK someone would show up with enough materials that there’s no way they could run out.  Let’s even set that aside.

She’s…a fucking…INK TRADER.

And she RAN OUT OF INK?

HOW in the FUCK…you know what?  Forget it.  I’m only going to make myself more angry.  Moving on.

Next up…

xantili

Xantili, inscription vendor from the Valley of Spirits:

 

EITRIGG:  Shall we begin, Warchief?

GARROSH:  Well we’re still short one advisor.  You guys know where Malkorok is?

GUL’TAR:  Does anyone really care where he is?

GRO’TASH:  I believe he was going to speak to Mokvar about the attack, Warchief.  I think there were some follow-up questions.

GUL’TAR:  We can fill in for him if need be, sir.  Even take notes if you think…

GARROSH:  <looking over the group of scribes>  Yeah, I think we’ve already got that covered.  Okay then.

EITRIGG:  Have you made the final troop assignments, Warchief?

GARROSH:  I have the rosters written up.  I’ll get copies to you and Malkorok as soon as…  <gestures to the scribes>  …well, you know.

EITRIGG:  Yes, sir.  Have we been able to gather enough troops from Mulgore to fill out this initial wave?  I know Baine had expressed some concerns…

GARROSH:  Not as many as I’d like, but we’ll make due without them.  I’m not going to lose a lot of sleep over a shortage of half-hearted conscripts.  We’ll fill things out one way or another.

EITRIGG:  If you say so, sir.

GARROSH:  Have you finished compiling those reports on the local races we’re liable to encounter?

EITRIGG:  Yes, sir.  There’s the pandaren, obviously, with whom we’ve established contacts now in multiple zones.  Their primary nemesis appears to be a race called the mogu – a curious race, it would seem, who apparently ruled Pandaria tyrannically for a prolonged period before being overthrown by the pandaren.

GARROSH:  So hold on, they had their iron rule toppled by the fat, drunken teddy bears?  I’m not exactly shaking in my boots over these guys.

EITRIGG:  Still, sir, they appear to have been very much feared, and have just recently reappeared.  And they seem to have possessed the power to infuse living souls into stone, either to imprison or to preserve for eventual reawakening.

GARROSH:  Huh.  I think Krog mentioned something like that recently.  Interesting…

EITRIGG:  Perhaps it might be worth conducting some research at some of the mogu ruins while we’re there?  All the more reason to bring that contingent from the Reliquary?

GARROSH:  Yeah, couldn’t hurt, I suppose.  Plus it might help smooth things over a little with…you know…ol’ Captain Peroxide up there in Silvermoon if I bring a few extra blood elves for this shindig.

EITRIGG:  Yes, sir.

Malkorok stumbles in shakily.

MALKOROK:  Apologies for being late, Warchief.  I was busy getting my ass handed to me.

GUL’TAR:  What happened?  You look—

MALKOROK:  There was an…incident at that scribe’s dwelling.

GARROSH:  Dude, what’s the other guy look like?  You look like crap.

MALKOROK:  Rest assured, Warchief, my adverary took the worst of the exchange, which is sort of a shame, I know, since as we all know everybody would love to see me get completely curbstomped.  But I injured them enough that they saw fit to flee.

EITRIGG:  What happened, jerk?  What about Mokvar?  Is he all right, or were you too busy losing to notice?

MALKOROK:  The scribe…escaped unscathed so far as I know.

GARROSH:  Okay, pinhead, let’s hear all about how you made a mess of this.  As usual, mon.

MALKOROK:  I was on my way to ask the scribe a few questions concerning the other night’s attack, when I saw a dark-cloaked figure approaching his dwelling.  This was very scary, so obviously I wet myself.  After I pulled myself together, I moved to intercept the intruder.

GARROSH:  You think this was one of the attackers from the other night, back to finish the job?

MALKOROK:  I wasn’t inclined to leave it to chance.

EITRIGG:  Wasn’t there more than one of them the first time?

GARROSH:  Did you get a good look at them?

MALKOROK:  Not really since I’m such a screw-up.  Dressed in black, hooded and masked, that’s about all I can say…

GARROSH:  And I take it this one got away?

MALKOROK:  Unfortunately, sir.

EITRIGG:  And how, might I ask, did this intruder manage to elude our mighty warrior and internal security chief…?

MALKOROK:  I refer you again to my being a royal screw-up.  Though you try my patience, old mon…

GARROSH:  Still, dude, it’s a fair question.  This IS supposed to be your bread and butter, keeping the place locked down.

MALKOROK:  I was winning, yay me, but then I was stunned somehow, boo I suck again.  There may have been a second party intervening in the first one’s aid.

EITRIGG:  Ah, so there was more than one…

MALKOROK:  In any case, if their intent was to reach the scribe Mokvar, they were not successful.  So I guess it was a tie in our battle to see who could out-fail the other.

GARROSH:  Just the same, now we know they’re still on the loose in Orgrimmar somewhere.  I want security tightened up, especially with us leaving for Pandaria soon.

MALKOROK:  Yes, sir.  I’ll try not to be so completely useless this time.

GARROSH:  And speaking of which, one other thing about this Pandaria voyage.  And I can’t possibly stress the importance of this enough.

EITRIGG:  Yes, Warchief?

GARROSH:  <looks grimly around the room>  Do NOT.  Let Vol’jin.  Forget about the trip.  I would really be missin’ him if he didn’t come.

 

Um…so…

Yeah.  Keep those applications coming in.  Like seriously.

I think I might send a note off to Saurfang while I’m thinking of it.  I think he had a personal scribe up in Warsong Hold who was pretty good.  Maybe I can talk him into letting me borrow her for a couple weeks.

Really.  Scribe applications.  Get on ’em, people.

2 Comments »

Dead Peons Society

Posted in General with tags , , , , on December 19, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

valleyoftrials

This morning I tried a little experiment with Gurtash’s training group – which has been coming along pretty well, by the way, when they’re not driving me up the wall being chattery and unfocused.  Anyway, I decided to take them down to the Valley of Trials to see how they would do with some of the odds and ends we give to the new would-be adventurers down there.  I figured it would give them a little basic low-risk practice to see how they stack up against some of the other newbies, most of whom are still at least a few years older than them.

I was really kind of hoping there would be more combat involved, gotta say.  I’m not sure who designed the training program down there, but come the fuck on.  I’m pretty sure our soldiers are never going to find themselves in a situation where life and death hinges on their ability to successfully pick cactus apples.  Plus in these kids’ case, that wound up leading to a food fight, so there went a good ten minutes trying to get them under control again.  And yeah, there were some boars they had to thin out, but seriously…those boars were so weak and pitiful, the kids hardly got any fighting practice from them.  Really, somebody would probably have to kill like 65 million of those things in order to actually get anywhere.

But the real kicker was when Foreman Thazz’ril asked them to go around and smack the laziness out of some peons.  Which, granted, those guys ARE pretty damn lazy.  I mean as much as I complain about how long the goblins have been taking to finish the post-Cataclysm rebuilding in Orgrimmar (which, yes, they STILL haven’t finished, and which, yes, STILL boggles my mind), I don’t even want to THINK about how much longer things would have taken if I’d left that shit for the peons to do.  We’d probably all still be sitting around a pile of fucking rocks and tucking ourselves in at night in a cozy little bed of mud and uprooted weeds.

Don’t get fucking excited, trolls – I said WEEDS, not WEED.

Anyway, Thazz’ril asked the kids to go smack the peons around a little and get them off their lazy asses.  Only here’s the thing – the kids didn’t know their own strength…so…we ended up having, uh, a couple dead peons.  Which, okay, I know I should maybe give a crap about them being dead, but come on.  If a fourteen-year-old can walk up and one-shot you, you probably needed to be dead.  Just sayin’.

The trainees were a little unnerved by the, y’know, unexpected fatalities, but I tried to play it up as a confidence-builder and told them there would be plenty of others falling before them once they got the chance to do battle for the glory of the Horde.  Only not so much falling from people who might have widows who are covered by contract death benefits, because ugh, more paperwork.  (I left out that last part with the kids.)  That perked them up a lot, so I figured what the hell, why not use this to build some group pride.  So next thing you know, my little pack of trainees are calling themselves the Dead Peons Society.

It’s got kind of a ring to it, as long as you don’t think about it too much and realize where it actually comes from.  Plus, it even lends itself to a decent abbreviation.  When it comes time for me to start sending them out on actual missions, I can totally see myself saying things like “Time to call in the DPS.”

More soon.

4 Comments »

Monday mailbag

Posted in Mailbag with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 17, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

mail17

So it’s been a while since I did a mailbag.  How long, you ask?  GOOD QUESTION.  And the answer is, so long that in the intervening time I’ve gotten not one, but TWO letters from our old buddy ACC, so why don’t we get to it before he dashes off ANOTHER one, and start working our way through the ACC backlog.  As usual, actual letters from actual readers…

 

Hail, Warchief!

And greetings from the not-so-frozen South. Pro tip: NEVER go on a boat with General Nazgrim. I don’t know what he did to offend the Boat Gods, but… This is twice now that I’ve boarded a serviceable ship and disembarked from kindling. Mind you, there’s hardly anyone else I’d rather be with in a scrap. If you’re headed to a hot LZ you want him there with you, just don’t let him drive. Can’t add anything to what’s already been said about our allies and opponents except that while I’d pick semi-sentient monkeys over super-evolved murlocs any day, the “epic” clash was the goat-rope to end all goat-ropes. The least said about that, the better.

You’ve already heard about the giant vegetables in the Valley of the Four Winds. Turns out that the water makes for some pretty big beasties, too. And where there’s big game, you KNOW who’s not far behind. That’s right, Hemet Nesingwary’s pulled stakes from Sholazar and headed South. And be brought his boy with him. Got to say, it was awesome seeing them together. When you get down this way, you ought to swing by their camp and take a look around.

One other thing before I get back to work: that issue you mentioned last time? This place forces you to deal with things like that. What you bring within yourself draws spirits out of the land itself. Harsh therapy, but effective. I still stand by the necessity of what we did, but I do (slightly) regret the intemperate zeal.

–A Concerned Citizen

Ahh, so THAT’s where Hemet and his kid disappeared off to.  Good to hear, ACC – maybe now the old man can finally teach the kid a thing or two so he won’t be QUITE as big a fuck-up.  It was always pretty embarrassing dropping by their camp in Stranglethorn, and having the guy supposedly in charge be far and away the least competent hunter there.  Then again, I guess that’s the way management tends to go, right?  Mediocrity rises, so the person in charge usually winds up being the biggest dumbass?

Anyway, good point about Nazgrim.  No question as to his military skills, but for future engagements I’m thinking I might send him in AFTER the initial wave, so I can just have him ported in without having to roll the dice putting him on another ship.  Though come to think of it, that could make for an interesting experiment…like if we put him on a vehicle to some other part of Pandaria right now, would that one crash too?  If I told him to take one of the pandas’ balloons somewhere, would the balloon go all hydrogen bomb clear out of the blue?  Is anyone else thinking I might seriously have to try some of this out once I get down there, even if unbeknownst to Nazgrim I’d be putting his physical safety at sustained risk for no reason other than a puckish blend of curiosity and thirst for amusement?

 

Hail, Warchief!

There’s a rumor going around that the EO servers are shutting off this coming Friday. Heard anything about this?

–A Concerned Citizen

Wait, what?  Shutting off as in permanently?  I know they usually have some downtime for maintenance, but that’s usually on Tuesdays, isn’t it?  Why would they shut down the game?  They only just put out a new expansion.  I mean yeah, they lost some subscribers the last year or so, but still, I don’t see them shutting down at this point.

Or is this some kind of in-game apocalypse deal?  Because you DO get some of those RP-happy people who are all about the second coming of that Jesus guy.  Who, by the way, could they make it any more obvious where they got THAT lore character from?  I mean, come on…he walks on water and comes back from the dead, so he obviously has to be a shaman, and he’s all hippy granola-crunchy let’s-all-get-along-and-be-friends, and millions of people just dote over him and think he’s the most awesome thing, which just feeds into his whole deal where he thinks he’s the ultimate savior, and come on, could they make it any more painfully obvious who he’s supposed to be?  We might as well just call him Beige Thrall.  Although I don’t know why people make such a big deal about him coming back.  Do they really expect the guy to just show up again and take over or something?

 

This parchment has a few sketches around the edges in multicolored inks. Dontrag and Utvoch are recognizable, as are Nazgrel and Neferatti. The remaining sketches are of a naaru, a warp stalker, and a nether ray. The lettering is spaced a bit erratically and is far from ornate, but is readable without excessive effort.

Dear Mr Warchief Sir:

I herd abot Mr Mokvar. I hop he gets bettr soon. I kno you need a scrib now, and I want to voula valun help. I hav ben trayning with a teechr who says Im doing much bettr than I was. I wud tell you all abot her and abot evrything Ive bin doing, but that wud tak too long and I want to mail this now. Pleese let me be your scrib!

The letter is signed with an inky pawprint and the name “Taktani.”

Um…

<sigh>

Yeah, how about I get back to you on that.

Fucking hell, somebody get me a list of the inscription trainers and vendors around here, there’s gotta be SOMEONE I can rope into taking this damn job…

In unrelated news HEY EVERYBODY KEEP THOSE SCRIBE APPLICATIONS COMING IN, and hoo boy, Mokvar, heal up fast, dude.

 

Greetings Warchief,

I have been spending a good deal of time in Pandaria per your orders and have been getting to know the natives.  Recently I took a quick trip home for a bit of a break and a grave injustice has become apparent to me.

tokamailbag

In Panderia the natives are more than happy to allow me to have one of my pets hanging around with me.  They are more than happy to serve grain to my goat Moe while I am enjoying refreshments of my own.  That same scene does not play out at home.  I was actually kicked out of Silvermoon City by one of those constructs that what’s his name has running around the city because one of my felines had a small accident in the city.  I was in the process of cleaning it up when I was ushered out of the city.  Even in Ogrimmar people get testy if one of my pets is curled up at my feet while I enjoy a drink.

Is there something you could do to make Hunter pets more welcome in Horde areas?  They put their lives on the line in the service of the Horde same as any other veteran in your army.  We train them well and they are not dangerous to civilians that keep their hands off of them.

Thank you for your time Warchief,

–Toka Armripper

Hey Toka.  Well, you know, legally speaking, pets are kosher here in Orgrimmar.  I can’t really speak for what they do in Silvermoon – the business with the construct-robot-thingy seems kind of lame, but that’s Regent-Lord Ponytail for you.  Maybe he’s afraid the smell from any potential pet accidents might soak into his conditioner or some shit.  Point is, though, over in Silvermoon or Undercity or Thunder Bluff or, hell, the Echo Isles, they all set their local ordinances about pets, and frankly, I get enough headaches from the other city leaders trying to get them go along with my orders on the big stuff like war and conscription and glorious battle…I don’t want to even THINK about the caterwauling I’ll have to deal with if I start trying to meddle around with smaller local regulations like pet control too.  Sylvanas will probably give me another one of her speeches about centralized government versus cities’ rights.

As for people getting testy in Orgrimmar if you bring your pets into the bar with you, well, frankly, fuck ’em.  Really.  The law here is that your pets are allowed in there as long as you keep them under control, so if people don’t like it, fuck ’em.  That’s the one thing – no matter what the law is, there’s not much you can do about people’s attitudes, so like it or not, there are always going to be some malcontents who are going to grumble.  I mean, hell, a couple weeks ago I was taking Mortimer around Orgrimmar is stretch his legs a little, and he went sniffing up to this old orc woman – and I don’t mean the fit, MILFy kind of older orc woman like Garona, I mean old and cranky and bloated and draped in fur-lined imperial silk robes for no reason other than LOOK AT ME I’M FANCY and hasn’t done a sit-up since the Second War.  And so Mortimer started sniffing at her, and I told her not to worry, he’s friendly.  And she was all sneery like, “Well I’m not an animal lover.”  And so I said, “That’s okay, he’s not a heartless unfeeling cow lover.”  And of course just then there were a couple tauren walking by, so, you know, awkward.

 

Random Weirdness spotted – Oppan Garrosh Style

[If you’re unable to view the embedded video, you can link to it here.]

I’m just…

that was…

uh…

Ok.

–Quelita, Tarren Mill

Yeah, what of it?

I slaughter Alliance, I write EPIC VERSE, I sing.

It’s called being a triple threat.  Deal with it, bitches.

 

That’s it for this time around.  As always, keep those letters coming to garrosh1337@gmail.com.

6 Comments »

When we last left Krog…

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 16, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

twinspirekeep

I have Krog’s latest report from Pandaria, and considering I’m going to be on my way there sooner rather than later, this intel he’s gathering is going to start becoming pretty damn important.  Before I get to that, though, let me address a couple other items quickly, since everybody seems to have been having a low-grade freak-out the last couple days.  Specifically, about Mokvar.

So before everyone starts rolling out their full-on crazy over this, yes, Mokvar is okay.  A little banged up, yeah, but he’ll be fine.  I’m just giving him a little time to rest up and get his head together before I have him back on the job, seeing as I figure it must do a number on you when, y’know, you die and shit.  I’ve got a regular guard keeping watch on his place, and I know Ji Firepaw has been dropping by regularly to check on him.  He’ll be fine as long as everybody doesn’t start coming on like gangbusters, so please put your panties back on and try to calm the fuck down.

I’ve got Malkorok looking into this business.  I don’t much like the fact that something like this went down, not least of all because it means somebody was able to get into Orgrimmar and target one of my aides.  I’ve seen a few other reports the last few days about a shadowy figure or something being seen sneaking around the city, which doesn’t exactly make me bubble over with good feelings about security around here.  Frankly, if Krog weren’t down there in Pandaria, I would probably have him do some extra sleuthing up here.  I may have to look into a few investigative options as it is.

Anyway, speaking of Krog, let’s get back to the man himself.  You all voted to have him get back to business and check on whatever happened with the original landing party out of Garrosh’ar Point.  (Man, I still really do like the ring of that name.)  So, with no further ado…

 

shokia accompanied me from grookin hill and we made our way south.  en route we passed a cottage that shokia says had been occupied by a ‘jade witch’ who had turned sergeant garrok into a jade statue; eventually garrok was restored and brought back to grookin hill to recover.

 

Huh.  Now that’s some weird business, turning living people into minerals and back…might want to look into that later.  Could be handy in a few different ways…

 

also en route passed pandaren settlement at paw’don village.  village had formed ties with alliance; passed a bit too close; these pandaren markedly less friendly than the wandering isle lot.

 

Now that I think of it, these pandas might possibly have been crankier than the Wandering Isle pandas because they were mad about not getting to go on the turtle ride…

 

horde forces had withdrawn to nearby fortress called twinspire keep; find attached schematic outlining fortress layout and grounds.  upon arrival, discovered remaining landing party had been killed by alliance aerial attack.

 

Side note here before I get too pissed off about the good people we lost there – from the looks of it, this Twinspire Keep place is pretty much identical to Thunder Hold, the base that the initial Alliance force had taken over, the one Nazgrim and his people took out when they first arrived.  And… I mean… what are the odds of that? The first wave of each side’s troops set up shop in identical fortresses, only to be neutralized by the SECOND wave of the OTHER side’s forces, with a soon-to-be-friendly panda village right neaby?  Seriously, is that freaky coincidental or what?

 

no survivors, by all indications.  shokia and i took a few hours to tend to the bodies; alliance had left them to rot on the ground.

 

Of course they did.  Because they’re so pure and noble and honorable.  And they call us savages.

 

was able to identify bodies of commander dalgan and bellandra felstorm.  also appears that warlocks had summoned demonic beholder, body of which was also found.  note: burnt rotting demon corpses smell very, very bad.

inside keep, found body of warlock ga’trul along with his journal; will hold for your inspection at next opportunity.  while body was identifiable, also appeared to have been corrupted somehow; entire body had taken on dark gray hue, hands and arms had morphed into claws, further deformations of body.  inconsistent with metamorphoses usually observed with warlocks.

gist of journal: ga’trul assumed command of fleet after captain krug was killed during initial engagement with alliance.  ga’trul seemed to grow increasingly hostile and paranoid during time in keep.  then again, he ended up being killed, so maybe not so paranoid.  he attempted to barter with paw’don pandaren without success; took forsaken suggestion to abduct pandaren cubs to use as bargaining chips; eventually there appears to have been a sharp rift between orc and forsaken forces within the keep.

 

Okay, so…wait, what?  The what happened?  The what times like five?  They had a frigging insurrection within the group?  How the hell did that happen?

 

shokia has expressed intention to return north to check on garrok and rejoin nazgrim and others.  awaiting further instructions.

 

Which leads us to our two main leads we could have Krog follow up on: that surprise expedition that Baine had sent to Pandaria, or the creepy-ass similarity between Ga’trul’s body and these sha creatures.  Or, hell, I’ll toss another option into the mix, since I was just talking about this a few paragraphs up…

 

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Death of the author

Posted in General with tags , , on December 14, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

mokvar

Just a quick update today.  Lots going on, and my attention is needed in a dozen different places at once, partly for reasons that will be obvious in a minute.  So let’s get to the main news item.

Late last night, Mokvar was killed.

Damn good thing he’s a shaman, right?  Those ankhs come in handy.  So, he’s up and living again – still injured, though, and more than a little shaken up.

Details are still sketchy.  After yesterday’s strategy session, Mokvar had gone to see Ji Firepaw in the Valley of Honor.  Ji went with Mokvar back top the Drag, which is kind of a sketchy part of town to get caught in late at night.  As it happens, it was a lucky thing Ji was around, because Mokvar having Ji fighting beside him probably made the difference between Mokvar ankhing his way home and winding up getting double-tapped.  Because whoever it was apparently knew Mokvar is a shaman, and waited for him to pop up again.

We don’t know much about the attackers, other than there being more than one.  It was dark and there weren’t any witnesses that we know of other than Mokvar and Ji.  All we really know is that Mokvar was jumped by two or three dark figures – definitely humanoid, but cloaked in shadow enough that nobody seems to be able to pin down many details – and that Mokvar and Ji were able to fight them off until they fled.  With a good-guy death and rebirth mixed in there for good measure.

I’m having Malkorok look into this business personally.  In the meantime, while Mokvar is recovering, I’m having a Kor’kron guard assigned to his house.  Whoever this was, they’re still on the loose, and I’m not leaving anything to chance.

And in the meantime-meantime…now I need to find myself a temporary scribe.  Right when I’d finally gotten the first one broken in and everything.  Why does this kind of inconvenient crap always happen to ME?

8 Comments »

Best-laid plans

Posted in General, Transcripts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 13, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

org7

So I’ve been working with my trainees the last couple days, and other than the fact that by and large they have the attention span of a gnat on caffeine, and the fact that they seem to find every random thing hilarious, especially if you try to get them to STOP finding it hilarious, because when you try to get them to take something seriously for a change boy oh boy that REALLY brings on the LOL’s, and…what was I talking about?  I swear I should try to edit some of these things when I write them.  That is, if Spazzle can ever get his twitchy green ass around to showing me where the damn delete key is again.

Okay, so take two.  The trainees.  Once you get past all the crap that makes fourteen year olds annoying, which granted is a lot, they’re actually pretty good.  I mean you can definitely see the makings of some pretty decent warriors among the bunch of them.  Gurtash included, obviously, but then he does have kind of an unfair edge, what with me already having been showing him a few tricks.  I’ll keep you all posted on how this whole thing goes.

In the meantime, we had another planning session for Pandaria today.  We’re getting close to being ready to go…

 

EITRIGG:  Preparations are going to schedule, Warchief.  The fleet is now fully assembled at Bladefist Bay, and Grizzle Gearslip assures me that the last of the siege engines will be ready within a few days.

MALKOROK:  I would recommend keeping the fleet on rotating patrols until we’re ready to depart, Warchief.  If we keep the entire fleet docked, and the Alliance launches an attack…

GARROSH:  Good call.  I assume you can work out a rotation with Drok and the other captains?

MALKOROK:  I’ll see to the arrangements, Warchief.

GARROSH:  Good.  One other question.

MALKOROK:  Yes, sir?

GARROSH:  Who the hell are these people?

Garrosh points to two other orcs sitting around Malkorok at the conference table.

MALKOROK:  Sir?  You’ve already met Rak’gor Bloodrazor here; he was at our last strategy session.

GARROSH:  Oh, yeah, I remember him now.  Who’s the other guy?

MALKOROK:  Another one of my lieutenants, sir.  This is Gul’tar – former apprentice of Ga’trul, in fact, from the initial Pandaia landing force.

EITRIGG:  Did we ever find out exactly what happened with them, incidentally?

GARROSH:  Not much other than being pretty well wiped out by the second wave of Alliance forces.

MALKOROK:  You mean the ones that had to recruit the local fish men to fill out their ranks?

GARROSH:  <sighs>  Yes.

EITRIGG:  Speaking of which, as well, since we’re drawing close to being ready, we might want to gather as much information as possible on the land and its peoples.

MALKOROK:  I would imagine that may be a rare instance when those…preposterous new pandaren arrivals might prove useful.

GARROSH:  You’ve been getting pretty close to Ji since he started playing EO, haven’t you, Mokvar?  Pick up anything useful from him?

MOKVAR:  Not really.  Here’s the thing – Ji and all his people came from a place called the Wandering Isle, which isn’t actually part of Pandaria proper.

EITRIGG:  It’s an island nearby, though, isn’t it?

MOKVAR:  Well, sometimes.

EITRIGG:  Sometimes?

MOKVAR:  It’s technically not an island.

EITRIGG:  What is it, then?

GARROSH:  Hold on to your ass for this one…

MOKVAR:  It’s a giant turtle.

MALKOROK:  …What?

MOKVAR:  The Wandering Isle is a giant turtle that swims around the ocean – usually near Pandaria, but not always.  The pandaren that live there basically built a whole civilization on its back.  A lot of them don’t even know the truth about the “island.”

MALKOROK:  <grumbling>  Warchief… I suspect your…scribe here may be providing faulty intelligence.

GARROSH:  No, I got this same story about the Wandering Islse from Ji.

MALKOROK:  This would be the same pandaren who appears to be forever getting himself stuck in tight openings in the pursuit of food?

EITRIGG:  So I assume that since the Huojin live separately from the Pandaren mainland…?

MOKVAR:  They haven’t had any contact with the place in generations.  No help there as far as providing useful information.

GARROSH:  I guess we’ll have to get by on what we’re able to learn from Nazgrim and Krog, then.

MOKVAR:  While I’m thinking of it, though, Ji was asking me earlier about what’s going on in Ragefire Chasm.  I guess he had a few of his people go down there—

MALKOROK:  Is this really important enough to interrupt our planning, scribe?  You can’t seriously think the confusion of those perpetually confused bear people is more relevant than the imminent invasion.

MOKVAR:  I was just wondering—

MALKOROK:  Wonder all you want, scribe, just do it quietly.  Now then…

Vol’jin enters.

VOL’JIN:  Hey, mon, sorry I be late ta da meetin’!

GARROSH:  Oh fucking hell, who told him about the meeting THIS time?

VOL’JIN:  Was I not supposed ta know, mon?

GARROSH:  Not exactly.

VOL’JIN:  Oh, was ya plannin’ a surprise party for me, mon?  Is dere cake?

GARROSH:  <rubbing his forehead>  No, we’re not throwing you a surprise…you know what, fuck it, just sit down, Vol’jin.

VOL’JIN:  Tank ya, Warchief.

Vol’jin walks over to Malkorok at the table and turns to Gul’tar.

Ya be in ma seat, mon.

GUL’TAR:  I…what?

VOL’JIN:  Dat seat, mon.  Dat’s where I always sit.  Ya be in ma spot, mon.

GARROSH:  Vol’jin, does it actually matter?

VOL’JIN:  Ya, mon!  I’m a creature of habit, an’ I be feelin’ all outta sorts if I don’ sit in ma normal place!  Besides…

Vol’jin claps Malkorok on the shoulder jovially; Malkorok jumps in surprise, then glares up at Vol’jin.

…Malkorok an’ me tight now, an’ I be missin’ ma buddy if I sit somewhere else!

GUL’TAR:  <grumbles and turns to Malkorok>  I’ll just move, sir.  I would…hate to occupy the troll’s place.

Gul’tar moves over one seat.  Vol’jin sits next to Malkorok.  Malkorok stares at him icily for a moment; Vol’jin replies with an exaggerated grin.

GARROSH:  So…back to business.  What’s our latest from General Nazgrim?

EITRIGG:  He and his team have recovered from their injuries and indicate they’re making inroads with some of the pandaren in the northern mountains.

VOL’JIN:  Dey all make it t’rough okay?

EITRIGG:  Shademaster Kiryn and Rivett Clutchpop made it fine.  It seems their marksman, Shokia, is unaccounted for.

GARROSH:  I wouldn’t worry too much about her…

EITRIGG:  Nazgrim reports the northern pandaren are in conflict with a tauren offshoot race.  He doesn’t make it sound like too dire a situation, though.

GARROSH:  Not something we need to worry much about, anyway, if this is going on in the northern regions.  We’ll be coming in along the southern coast.

MALKOROK:  Do we have any operatives scouting the south for us, then?

EITRIGG:  Just a number of volunteers who’ve been making their way around the continent of their own accord and checking in when they can.

VOL’JIN:  I tink dere was a group of Baine’s people doin’ some explorin’ in da sout’ too, mon.

MALKOROK:  What?  Bloodhoof sent his own expedition to Pandaria?

VOL’JIN:  Ya, mon.  Sunwalker Dezco was leadin’ it.

MALKOROK:  And why, I wonder, would he presume to send his own detachment without clearing it with Orgrimmar?

VOL’JIN:  I didn’t know da tauren had to ask permission ta do tings.

MALKOROK:  A loyal member of the Horde should be clearing obvious military operations with their Warchief, troll.

GARROSH:  Do you want to explain why Baine apparently saw fit to tell YOU about this expedition and not ME?

VOL’JIN:  <beaming>  I’m a people person, mon!

MALKOROK:  At best, this stinks of insubordination, Warchief.  And potentially disloyalty of a far worse kind.  How do we know they’re not conspiring for their own purposes?

EITRIGG:  You cannot seriously think the tauren would be engaged in something illicit?

MALKOROK:  I do not trust that Baine or the rest of his ilk.  He’s put himself at odds with the Warchief too many times already.

VOL’JIN:  Ya tink he’s disloyal, mon?  I been speakin’ my mind to Garrosh, too – ya be tinkin’ I’m a traitor?

GARROSH:  Not a traitor, Vol’jin, but I’ll tell you in no uncertain terms, the two of you HAVE been a grade-A pain in the ass the last few months.

MALKOROK:  As far as I’m concerned, you could very well be conspiring with him on whatever he’s up to.  Don’t think I’m not keeping an eye on you, troll.

VOL’JIN:  Oh, don’cha be worryin’, mon.  If I was ever workin’ against ya in secret, you’d know.

GARROSH:  I…  <rubs forehead>  That…doesn’t even make sense, you stupid troll.  By definition…

VOL’JIN:  Besides, mon, ya don’ have ta be worryin’ about Dezco an’ his people.  He even has one a da orcs wit him.

EITRIGG:  Who?

VOL’JIN:  Kor Bloodtusk, I tink ’is name was.

MALKOROK:  A weak-minded puppet, most likely, lured over to that tauren’s misguided way of thinking.

MOKVAR:  I have to say, actually—

MALKOROK:  <glares>  What do you want, scribe?

Mokvar looks down.

Now then—

MOKVAR:  <turning back to Malkorok>  What I want?  I want to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it on a pike.

Behind Malkorok, Vol’jin beams and high-fives the air in Mokvar’s direction.

Or were you looking for something a little less big-picture?

MALKOROK:  <glaring>  Count yourself lucky, scribe, that you’re in the Warchief’s good graces…

MOKVAR:  Yeah, because you would never—

EITRIGG:  Gentlemen.

GARROSH:  Yeah, guys, enough.  Cool your jets, both of you, we don’t have time for this crap.

MALKOROK:  Of course, Warchief…

GARROSH:  So, Vol’jin, now that everybody’s gotten all riled up over the tauren expedition, have we heard anything from them that would actually be USEFUL?

VOL’JIN:  Da one ting I heard was dere be a lotta old ruins from an older race, dat ruled before da pandaren.  I don’ know anyt’ing about ’em, but from da ruins it sounds like dey was everywhere.

EITRIGG:  Hmm.  Possibly worth assigning a team from the Reliquary to join the expedition to look into?

GARROSH:  Yeah, maybe.  This is a military operation, not an archaeology dig, but calling in some of the blood elves on this might help smooth things over with ol’ what’s-his-name.  Captain Peroxide.

MOKVAR:  How’s his eye doing, by the way?

GARROSH:  Don’t ask.

MOKVAR:  Ah.

GARROSH:  Anyway…  I think that covers everything for today, doesn’t it, Eitrigg?

EITRIGG:  Yes, sir.  I don’t think there was anything else on the agenda.

VOL’JIN:  Good party as always, mon.  Next one at my place!

MOKVAR:  If we’re done here, I’m going to head over to the Valley of Honor.  I need to catch up with Ji about a couple things.

GARROSH:  Good, keep him out of trouble for a few hours.

MALKOROK:  If you’ll excuse me then, Warchief, Rak’gor and I have a few arrangements to make ourselves.

VOL’JIN:  Don’ forget ta pick up da cake dis time, mon.

Malkorok blinks at Vol’jin, then shakes his head as he leaves, grumbling, with Rak’gor and Gul’tar.

<chuckling to himself>  Never gets old, mon, never gets old…

 

 

[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]

5 Comments »

Being a role model is a full-time job

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , on December 11, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

training

This week, Malkorok has been busy implementing his trainee program for teenage recruits from Orgrimmar.  He’s sending out notices to anyone age fourteen on up to seventeen – assuming they’re fit and able, and don’t have some other issues like, I don’t know, just off the top of my head here, outstanding community service hours cleaning the swine pens at Jaggedswine Farm after getting caught toilet papering Grommash Hold.  I’m speaking hypothetically here, of course.  The recruits will all be grouped by age and ability and assigned to small training units under the supervision of an accomplished veteran.  From there, they’ll start preparing to eventually fight for the glory of the Horde.

And now, before everyone starts QQ’ing, because I know there are a lot of people who read this blog who aren’t orcs (and speaking of which, fuck you, Varian), let me explain this so I don’t have to listen to a great wailing and gnashing of teeth from across the internet.

First of all, we’re not stealing anyone away from their families, if that’s what you’re thinking.  The trainees do their activities for the day and then they go home, just the same as if they were at school.  Which they pretty much ARE.  Which brings me to the next point.

We’re not just rounding up these kids and running them straight out onto a battlefield.  Yes, that would be stupid.  Do you seriously think I would do something stupid?  This is TRAINING we’re talking about here.  They’re learning about combat and self-defense and working as a unit, to get them READY for down the line when they’ll be needed for the war effort.  Nobody is getting sent into actual battle until they’re ready.  That’s the point – to GET them ready, not just to treat perfectly good future warriors as disposable cannon fodder.  (That’s what Dontrag and Utvoch are for.)

And, hell, before you all get in a tizzy over “But, but, they’re just kids!” – listen.  Orcs are not as long-lived a race as a lot of the others here on Azeroth.  People don’t seem to get this.  Cairne Bloodhoof was over 100 years old and still kicking ass, most recently mine, before, well, you know.  You’re not going to see me up and about at 100.  I’m probably not going to make it to 70.  That’s freaking OLD for an orc.  I know that might be hard to grasp for some of you – especially you elves, what with how you live for like hundreds of years.  Which means you’re probably considered a kid until you hit like 100 years old.  (And by the way, speaking of which: does that mean you elves are adolescents for like 50 years or something?  Because seriously, all you non-elves, can you imagine that?  Puberty lasting for 50 years?  I seriously would have killed myself.)

Anyway, point being, fourteen and fifteen are not as young for us as a lot of you seem to think.  Hell, I’m 34, and people keep referring to me as “young,” but by orc standards that pretty much makes me a middle-aged man.

Hang on.

…

Spirits help me, where the fuck did my life go?

Anyway.

Point is, everyone needs to just calm the fuck down and put their panties back on over this.

One thing related to the training program, though.  I was going over Malkorok’s rosters and happened to notice a few recruits from the Orgrimmar orphanage – including, you guessed it, Gurtash.  I know the kid’s got a lot of potential, but I also got to thinking it might be good to keep an eye on him, so I told Malkorok I would take charge of that trainee unit personally.  Malkorok wasn’t too happy about that, but then, he’s Malkorok – since when is he ever happy about anything, AMIRITE?  I think he felt like it was a job beneath the station of the Warchief, or whatever, but as it turns out, Gurtash was being placed un a high-aptitude group – no surprise there – so I spun it as me personally supervising the training of the best.  And also, as I succintly put it to Malkorok, I’m doing it because I’m the WARCHIEF and I SAID SO.

So, I’ve got a new gig a few times a week.  And really, I already play a teacher on Earth Online – how hard could it be in real life?  I have my first meeting with the kids later today, to start laying some groundwork for their training.  Should be simple enough.  The group’s going to consist of Gurtash and about a dozen other kids around his age.  How hard could a bunch of fourteen year olds be?

 

 

ADDENDUM, later:  Holy fucking hell, what have I done to myself?

12 Comments »

When we last left Krog…

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

serpentsheart

So Krog’s latest report from Pandaria came in yesterday.  I was planning to post this update last night, but while I was startung to get the post together, I made the mistake of tabbing over to Earth Online, and telling myself I could just talk with the guild a little while I was working.  And you know how that goes, right?  “I’ll just tab over for a minute” = nothing gets done in the original window ever.

As it turns out, I happened to log on just in time for another Lor’themar hissy fit over people not knowing who he is.  So that was fun.  I told him to cool it, and he was like “Why don’t you come here and make me?”, and dude didn’t seem to get the fact that e-thugging empty threats doesn’t work so well when the guy you’re mouthing off to knows your home address and had a hunch of mages on staff.

I’m at least 50% sure his face will heal up okay.  And even if not, maybe an eyepatch would help toughen up his look anyway.

Anyhow, that’s what was going on yesterday.  So now, let’s get caught up with our buddy Krog in Pandaria.  You guys voted – by a hair – to send him back to the hozen camp to secure Anduin.  When we last left him, he and Shokia were pinned down by an Alliance sniper at Serpent’s Heart.  And so…

 

begging the warchief’s pardon, but while waiting for your further instructions matters reached a point where action was needed.

 

I mean really, how high-maintenance are some of my minions that they basically say “Sorry I went ahead and did something without your go-ahead when I was getting shot at”?

 

alliance sniper’s shots were keeping me and shokia pinned down tightly.  i stealthed and tried to scout her position but was unable to get a clear read through the greenery.  meanwhile sniper was somehow able to make fairly good estimates of my position even while stealthed.  eventually used smoke bombs to give myself and shokia cover to withdraw, and made our way north.

good news and bad news upon arrival at horde/hozen camp at grookin hill.

good news: general nazgrim, kiryn, and rivett clutchpop all survived battle at serpent’s heart and have been moved west to pandaren settlement at binan village to recover from injuries.

 

Okay, well, I already knew that much, seeing as I’d gotten the report on that from Nazgrim himself, but yeah, that is good news.  Although he seemed to leave out the whole Anduin thing, which is kind of troubling.  Also most of the business about the giant black demon thingy that came out of nowhere and handed him his ass.

 

bad news: apparently in the confusion of the battle, anduin escaped.

 

…

I… He… They…

Hang on.

…

…

…

Sorry.  I had to go schedule a one-on-one session with Ben-Lin Cloudstrider to work on methods for dealing with this sudden inexplicable SEETHING FIT OF SOUL-RENDING RAGE that I seem to be experiencing at the moment FOR SOME REASON, which may or may not be related to the likelihood that EVERYONE ON MY PAYROLL IS APPARENTLY COMPLETELY FUCKING INCOMPETENT.

How – HOW, can you please EXPLAIN this to me – can these people POSSIBLY let the fucking PRINCE OF STORMWIND get away “in the confusion”?  What the fuck does that even MEAN?  What confusion?  The battle was a ways away from the camp, so why would there even have been any confusion there?  Or was someone actually cosmically stupid enough to think it was a good idea to bring a high-profile captive WITH them to a battle?

I’m seriously going to have to get my ass down there to Pandaria, because this is just too fucking much.

 

welcome back, warchief – i assume you had to step away for a moment after reading that last bit.

 

Okay, credit where it’s due.  Dude knows me.

 

hozen unclear on which way anduin may have fled.  not surprising; hozen unclear on most things unrelated to feces.  likeliest possibilities appear to be westward across the river, which would take anduin toward farming district; and southward, toward alliance encmapment and area where anduin was originally captured.

standing by for further orders.

 

6 Comments »

Anger management

Posted in General, Transcripts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 7, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

org6

The other day I mentioned there being some meeting that Orphan Matron Battlewail wanted me to attend if I were serious about getting Gurtash.  She had me check in with Social Services, which is being run by some goblins these days.  Don’t ask me how that happened.  But they filled in a little more of the story.  They’ve got one of Ji Firepaw’s panda friends holding a kind of seminar on dealing with anger, and they’ve opened it up to anybody who wants to attend.  The only catch – well, other than the fact that this whole fucking waste of time is one huge catch in itself since WTF why do these fuckers keep acting like I’ve got some kind of fucking problem with my goddamn temper or some shit – is that they want all the attendees to have someone come with them, sort of a sponsor.  My first thought was to bring Malkorok, seeing as he’s technically my bodyguard and should be going places with me anyway, but then I got to thinking that this gig might not be the kind of thing that…well…let’s just say the purposes of the session might not be facilitated by having Malkorok in the room.

Plus, really, why do I need a bodyguard again?  Isn’t that kind of like getting a watch dog to guard your giant rabid wolverine?

So, bottom line, I got Mokvar to come with me.  Which also had the added benefit of…

 

Garrosh and Mokvar enter a room in which several chairs have been arranged in a circle.  At the far end of the room, a middle-aged pandaren woman is talking with Eitrigg.

GARROSH:  So, um, we’re here for the meeting?  Not sure we’ve got the right place.

The pandaren woman, all smiles, walks over to greet them.

PANDAREN:  Oh, no, you are in the right place, Warchief.  It is good to see you again.

GARROSH:  Yeah, you too.  We’ve met?

PANDAREN:  <laughs softly>  Yes, a few weeks back, but I will understand if you do not remember me.  You were meeting quite a few of us from the Wandering Isle that day.

GARROSH:  Ah.  Yeah.  And to be honest, no offense, most of you pandas still sort of blend together for me.

PANDAREN:  Are you saying my people all look alike to you?

GARROSH:  Actually not so much all look alike as there are like six variations I can recognize.

MOKVAR:  To be fair, I’m not sure we orcs are much better.

GARROSH:  True enough.  And the less said about the trolls the better.

MOKVAR:  Well, Vol’jin stands out some.

GARROSH:  Well yeah.  I was going to ask the other day, actually – did he have some work done?  He looks different.

MOKVAR:  I was wondering that too!  So I’m not the only one that noticed?

GARROSH:  Dude, he sprouted an extra toe on the backs of his feet.

MOKVAR:  Seriously?  That’s freaky as hell.

GARROSH:  I know, right?  <looks back to the pandaren woman>  Anyway…um…we can probably discuss this another time.

The woman smiles bemusedly.

PANDAREN:  In any case, Warchief, it is good to meet you more properly now.  <extends her paw>  I am Ben-Lin Cloudstrider.  I have been a student of meditation among our people for many years.  I look forward to sharing some of these techniques with you today.

GARROSH:  Yeah.  Great.  So listen, Ben, how long you figure this is going to take?

BEN-LIN:  The session shall take as long as it takes.

GARROSH:  Ah.  One of those.  Terrific.

MOKVAR:  So, Eitrigg, what are you doing here?

GARROSH:  Yeah, Eitrigg, you never struck me as having a temper.

EITRIGG:  I don’t really.  I’m not here for me; I’m sponsoring a friend.  He just hasn’t gotten here yet.

GARROSH:  Ah, okay.  Wait…hold on…a “friend”?  Please don’t tell me…

Tirion Fordring enters.

TIRION:  Ah, greetings, Warchief!  A pleasure as always to see you once again.  And doubly so, of course, for you, Eitrigg, my dear friend of many years.  Far too many days have passed since last we enjoyed each other’s company…

GARROSH:  <rubbing his forehead>  Dude, you just saw him a couple months ago.  I know.  I was there.

TIRION:  Perhaps!  Perhaps, good Warchief!  And perhaps indeed the calendar might insist that the interval has been short – but the spirit, my friend, the spirit tells me the time has been long!  For surely, good Garrosh, you know of those imes when the moments feel far longer than the clock might otherwise claim.

GARROSH:  <still rubbing his forehead>  All too well, Tirion…

MOKVAR:  Eitrigg, I’m still not sure I understand.  Tirion never struck me as very temperamental either.

Eitrigg, standing behind Tirion, makes a drinking motion with his hand.

Ah.  Got it.

BEN-LIN:  It appears more of our attendees are arriving.  I should introduce myself, if you will pardon me a moment.

Ben-Lin steps toward the door, where Lor’themar Theron enters, accompanied by Liadrin.  While Ben-Lin talks to them, Faranell enters and walks over to Garrosh and Mokvar.

GARROSH:  Hey, Doc.

FARANELL:  Hey.

MOKVAR:  You’re here for the meeting too, Edwin?

FARANELL:  Mmhmm.  As soon as I heard about this, I cleared my schedule for this afternoon.

MOKVAR:  I didn’t know you had anger issues.

FARANELL:  I don’t.

Faranell sits down and takes out a large bag of popcorn.

Lor’themar and Liadrin leave Ben-Lin and approach Garrosh et al.  Ben-Lin circles around and talks with Tirion and Eitrigg in the background.

MOKVAR:  Hey Liadrin.

LIADRIN:  Hello, Mokvar.  Edwin.  Warchief.

GARROSH:  Hey, Liadrin.  Who’s your friend?  Is he sponsoring you or something?

LOR’THEMAR:  You see?  YOU SEE?  This is EXACTLY what I was talking about!  Every time!  EVERY SINGLE TIME!  No matter HOW many damn times I meet them, the NEXT time it’s always “Oh, so who’s this guy?”

LIADRIN:  Now now, try to calm down, sir…

GARROSH:  Okay, standing corrected on who’s sponsoring who here.

LIADRIN:  This has been a long time coming, frankly.

GARROSH:  Yeah, fine, but seriously, who IS he?

LOR’THEMAR:  <shaking Garrosh violently>  I’M LOR’THEMAR THERON, YOU PEA-BRAINED, MOUTH-BREATHING OAF!  RULER OF SILVERMOON!  LEADER OF THE BLOOD ELVES!  I BUILT YOU A DAMN MANA BOMB TO COMMIT WAR CRIMES WITH, YOU IGNORANT VULGARIAN!

GARROSH:  <shoving Lor’themar back>  YOU’RE the vulgarian, you fuck!

FARANELL:  <munching on popcorn>  So much better than doing culture samples with Zinge.

LOR’THEMAR:  How DIFFICULT is it to remember WHO SOMEONE IS after you MEET THEM FOR THE TWENTIETH TIME?!

GARROSH:  Apparently VERY, when the someone in question isn’t frigging IMPORTANT enough to be REMEMBERED, Ponytail!

MOKVAR:  He blew up about this on our game the other day, actually.

LIADRIN:  I heard.

MOKVAR:  Has he been at it all this time?

LIADRIN:  More or less.  This is something he’s been bottling up for a while, really.

Ben-Lin returns to the group, with Tirion and Eitrigg close behind.

BEN-LIN:  If we might all find our seats.  The last few should arrive shortly.

Everyone settles into the chairs.

Good afternoon, all of you, and thank you for coming today.  I am Ben-Lin Cloudstrider of the Huojin Pandaren, and I will be conducting today’s session.  My people chose to join the Horde in large part because of our shared belief in confronting challenges directly, and it is in that spirit that I would like to commend each of you for coming here today.  By chosing to attend, you have demonstrated your recognition of an enemy of sorts within yourselves, and your resolve to face and defeat that enemy.

GARROSH:  Pfft, I don’t know about these people, but I got railroaded by the orphan matron.  Screw this personal-growth hippie bullshit.

LOR’THEMAR:  Same here.  <nods head toward Liadrin>  This one twisted my arm.

GARROSH:  Personally I think the whole thing is a load of crap.

MOKVAR:  Would it really kill you to just bite your tongue and humor people this one time?

LIADRIN:  <sighs>  I wonder what it would be like if some of our leaders were actually adults…

BEN-LIN:  Ah.  I am sensing resistance from some of you.  This is unfortunate.  I hope you will come to see the merit of our activities as we go along.  Let us begin by each introducing ourselves and telling the group why we are here.

She turns to Faranell.

Let us begin with you.  Would you like to introduce yourself to the group, my friend?

FARANELL:  <tossing a piece of popcorn into his mouth>  It would make my life complete.

BEN-LIN:  <unfazed>  Delightful.  Please go on.

FARANELL:  Yeah, fine.  Hey.  I’m Edwin.  Most of you already know that.  All of you, actually, so good use of time here.  Don’t mind me, I’m just here for the LOL’s.

BEN-LIN:  <blinks>  Ah.  I see.

She turns hesitantly and looks to Tirion.

And you, sir?

TIRION:  Thank you, Lady Cloudstrider, many thanks indeed, both for your gracious greeting and for your generosity in offering up your valuable time – time very much in demand, I have no doubt, among your people – in arranging this gathering for the benefit of all here.  And a great honor, and, indeed, blessing it is to find myself today amid this honored company, for as I look about the room I find my gaze met by the faces of many of the most esteemed of our respective peoples…

GARROSH:  Oh man.  He’s ON today…

TIRION:  And so, in keeping with your request, noble Lady Cloudstrider, allow me to introduce myself.  I am Tirion Fordring, Highlord of the Argent Crusade, Knight of the Silver Hand, master of Mardenholde Keep, bearer of the secred Ashbringer—

GARROSH:  Murderer of Wills to Live…

TIRION:  —and I find myself here today among you at the recommendation of my dear friend, the noble and sage orc Eitrigg, who suggested this gathering might prove valuable to me, both for my personal growth and likewise in allaying the oft-expressed concerns of some number of my Argent colleagues, such as the hallowed Confessor Palteress and my personal aide, the noble Miss Daria L’Rayne…

The door to the room opens, and Hamuul Runetotem leans in.

HAMUUL:  Excuse me, is this the anger management seminar?

BEN-LIN:  Indeed it is, my friend.

HAMUUUL:  Ah, good.  I hope I’m not interrupting anything.

GARROSH:  Yes, you are, and thank goodness.

BEN-LIN:  Please come in.

Hamuul steps into the room, holding the door open, and waves outside.

HAMUUL:  Come on in, it’s the right place.

A nervous-looking Mylune enters.

BEN-LIN:  <glancing down at a clipboard>  Ah, you must be the two from Mount Hyjal.

HAMUUL:  Yes.  I’m Hamuul Runetotem, and this is my…colleague Mylune.

GARROSH:  Oh man.  Hide your kittens…

MYLUNE:  <perks up>  There are kittens?

GARROSH:  Oh yeah, loads of them in the Cleft of Kittens.

MYLUNE:  Ooh!  Ooh!  There’s a Cleft of Kittens?  Where’s that?

GARROSH:  Right at the southern end of the Valley of Ridiculous Hallucinations – it’s fucking ORGRIMMAR.  What the hell do you think this is?

MYLUNE:  <deflated>  Oh.  I thought there might be kittens…

HAMUUL:  Perhaps just as well, given your recent…episode.

MYLUNE:  <slumps her head and closes her eyes>  I don’t know what you’re talking about.

HAMUUL:  Mylune, we’ve already talked about your trying to block these things out.

MYLUNE:  No no, I’m not blocking it out!  Blocking what out?  See?  Happy face!  Happy face!  Oh, everything’s so wonderful and magical and whee!  And…and…

She looks around quickly and grabs up a small scorpion that’s skittering along the ground.

And ooh, hello Mr. Scorpid, aren’t you a tought little prickly darling!  <hugs the scorpion to her bosom>  Auntie Luney sure is happy to see you!  Yes she is!  Yes she—oww!  OWW!  Dammit, that stings like HELL, you stupid pinchy ASSHOLE!

Mylune throws the scorpion viciously against the wall.

It wasn’t even that cute!

GARROSH:  So… I take it that time in Mulgore wasn’t an isolated incident…?

HAMUUL:  Not as such.

MYLUNE:  Oh…oh no, no, no… I did it again!  <sobbing>  Why do I keep doing that?  <putting her hands over her face as the sobbing continues>

HAMUUL:  There there…

BEN-LIN:  It is all right.  You are among friends now.

GARROSH:  Well let’s not get carried away.

MYLUNE:  <rubbing one hand on her chest>  That still kind of stings a little, actually…

BEN-LIN:  We are here to help you.  Have you had other moments like this recently?

MYLUNE:  I…well…I was in Winterspring a few days ago…and there were these bunnies…and…and…

GARROSH:  Not so much with the bunnies anymore, I’m guessing.

MYLUNE:  I couldn’t help it!  I just wanted to pet them, and…  <rubs her chest again>  Okay, you know what?  I think that scorpion might have been venomous.

Hamuul sighs and starts casting healing spells on Mylune.

HAMUUL:  Seriously?  You have venomous scorpions just wandering around?

GARROSH:  Hey, I don’t usually figure people are going to go around rubbing them on their boobs.

MOKVAR:  Did you really have to give me that mental image?

GARROSH:  I mean we usually don’t have people around here showing that level of stupid.  And that’s even figuring how much time Dontrag and Utvoch spend here.

LOR’THEMAR:  Who?

GARROSH:  You’re better off not knowing.

LIADRIN:  Really, sir.

BEN-LIN:  Perhaps we should move on.  <turns to Lor’themar>  Let us turn to you now.  You are…?

LOR’THEMAR:  Ugh.  See?  SEE?  THIS is EXACTLY what I’m talking about!  I introduced myself to you not TEN MINUTES AGO!  But does anyone remember something like that?  NO!  OF COURSE NOT!

LIADRIN:  Sir, I think she was just asking you to—

LOR’THEMAR:  Don’t defend her, Liadrin!  People do this every damn day, and there’s always some excuse for them!  Either that, or it’s just “Oh, okay.  Lor’themar?  Whatever.”  YES, whatever.  It’s LOR’THEMAR!  LOR’THEMAR FUCKING THERON, Regent-Lord of Quel’Thalas!  That’s who I am!  Lor’themar!  Do you hear me?  All of you?  LOR’THE-FUCKING-MAR!  One of the only racial leaders on either side who hasn’t managed to make a complete cluster fuck of something yet, but does anyone remember?  NO!  NO THEY DON’T!

BEN-LIN:  Well then.  I was going to ask you why you are here, but I think you have already answered that.  So let us move on.  <turns to Garrosh>  And you, sir?

GARROSH:  Huh?  Oh, yeah.  <waves half-heartedly>  So yeah, Garrosh Hellscream, Warchief of the Horde.  Son of Grom, slayer of Alliance, writer of EPIC VERSE, eater of lemon squares, yadda yadda.

HAMUUL:  Wait, he writes poetry?

MOKVAR:  He’s actually surprisingly good at it.

BEN-LIN:  And why have you come here today, my friend?

GARROSH:  Humoring the orphan matron, pretty much.  Didn’t we already cover this?  She basically said I needed to attend this thing before she would sign off on this orphan I was looking into maybe adopting.

LIADRIN:  Wait, what?

EITRIGG:  Adopting?

HAMUUL:  Oh spirits help us…

GARROSH:  WHY does everybody fucking react like that every time I mention this?  I talked about it on my blog, too, and all the commenters were like “Holy crap no!”

HAMUUL:  Wait, he blogs, too?

FARANELL:  <munching>  I so should have brought some ale for this.

Tirion passes Faranell a flask.

Oh, hey, thanks.

EITRIGG:  I thought we’d agreed you were going to hold off on the…  <makes a drinking motion with his hand>  …while we were here for the meeting.

TIRION:  Surely, friend Eitrigg, you would not deny me a simple bracing beverage before an undertaking that calls upon my resolve.

EITRIGG:  Now we both know the “liquid courage” excuse doesn’t hold here, Tirion.

GARROSH:  So hold up, you mean Highlord Paragraph here likes to retreat into the bottle, and goes all angry drunk and shit?

EITRIGG:  And sometimes ends up burning small animals as a result…

MYLUNE:  He WHAT?!

TIRION:  My fine and noble friend, I would remind you that the episode with the penguins was, in broad, strokes, an isolated incident, and—

MYLUNE:  Penguins?!

BEN-LIN:  Now you see, here we may have a fine instructive moment.  While we may all have our moments of anger, it is when we allow that anger to manifest in actions that we risk unleashing the worst upon the loved ones around us…

MYLUNE:  <fidgeting nervously and looking to Hamuul>  Pen…penguins!  What did he do to the penguins…?!

EITRIGG:  Suffice to say it involved a cane.

BEN-LIN:  And so, when you experience these moments, Tirion, you must remember to use your words.

GARROSH:  Wait, seriously?

TIRION:  Sage counsel indeed, good Lady Cloudstrider, and perhaps you are right, and I have been far too reticent…

GARROSH:  Fucking hell, do you realize what you’re DOING, lady?

MYLUNE:  He…he…he attacked the poor penguins with a cane?

EITRIGG:  Far better than the kittens got…

TIRION:  My dear Eitrigg, you know perfectly well that I take little pride in the unfortunate incident involving the, shall we say, premature feline incendiaries, and—

MYLUNE:  Incendi— you burned kittens?!

GARROSH:  Yeah, bet you’re glad we don’t have any here now, aren’t you?  Not safe to have them around Captain Shortfuse Longwind here.

MYLUNE:  <trembling with eyes growing large and dewy>  Hamuul, did you hear that?  He…he…the kittens…he…

Hamuul pulls a teddy bear out of his pack and dangles it in front of Mylune, who immediately snatches it up.

Oh oh oh what a cute cuddly fuzzy huggy tebby bear squee!

LOR’THEMAR:  Wow she’s unstable…

GARROSH:  Look in a mirror lately, blondie?  Who are you to judge?

LOR’THEMAR:  <jumping up and knocking his chair over>  Who am I?  WHO AM I?  LOR’THEMAR THERON, that’s who!  LOR’THE-FUCKING-MAR THERON!

LIADRIN:  Sir, really, you should try to—

LOR’THEMAR:  You stay out of this, Liadrin!  I’ve HAD IT with this walking jaw with a gym card acting like he doesn’t fucking KNOW me!

GARROSH:  I know you’ll snap in half nice and easy if you don’t figure out a way to ZIP it right quick, Hair-Care!

MYLUNE:  <swaying from side to side while hugging the tebby bear>  Oh don’t listen to them, Mr. Huggles, it’s okay, it’s okay!  You just be all sweet and snuggly and don’t worry about the mean people!

LOR’THEMAR:  Why don’t you MAKE me zip it!  Or do you need damn BOMB to drop on me for that?!

GARROSH:  I’ll SHOW you a fucking BOMB, Ponytail!

Garrosh lunges at Lor’themar and flings him violently against the wall.  Lor’themar pulls himself up and tries to rush back at Garrosh, only to have Garrosh grab him and put him in a headlock.  Mokvar and Liadrin pull at Garrosh’s arm to try to loosen his grip.

MOKVAR:  Really, boss, not helping your own cause here…

GARROSH:  Hope you weren’t too fond of that frigging OXYGEN, Lor’the-Whatever-the-Fuck-Your-Name-Is!

LOR’THEMAR:  <wrenching himself out of Garrosh’s hold and swinging at him wildly>  LOR’THEMAR!  MY NAME IS LOR’THEMAR!  SAY IT!  SAY IT!  SAY MY NAME, BITCH!

Mylune is still rocking back and forth, holding the tebby bear while trembling.

MYLUNE:  Now now don’t you let them upset you, Mr. Huggles…  <absently rips off one of the teddy bear’s ears>  It’s okay…it’s all okay… They’re not mad at you, no no, they’re not…  <rips off the bear’s other ear, sobbing>  It’s all going to be okay someday, I promise, Huggles, Auntie Luney promises…!

FARANELL:  <mouth half-full of popcorn>  I love this meeting so much I want to marry it and have a family of little caucuses.

LOR’THEMAR:  I’m SICK AND TIRED of being IGNORED by this damn GORILLA!

Mokvar and Liadrin try with mixed success to pull the two away from each other.

GARROSH:  Don’t worry, metro, you’ll be getting PLENTY of attention while I’m smearing you all over the floor!

LOR’THEMAR:  Stop holding him back!  I’m not scared of him!  I can take him!  Unless maybe he’s POISONED his DAMN AXE again!

GARROSH:  OH you will DIE EXTRA SLOW for—

Tirion jumps Garrosh and Lor’themar and pushes them away from each other.  He looks back and forth sternly.

TIRION:  Gentlemen, please!  Surely no one can benefit from our turning on each other in such a way.  Now then…  <looks back and forth between Garrosh and Lor’themar again>  Let’s have a drink.  And calm down.

EITRIGG:  <sighs>  Tirion…

BEN-LIN:  It occurs to me that perhaps our goals would be better served by a few one-on-one sessions before we attempt to discuss our issues in a group…

Mylune suddenly grabs Ben-Lin from behind and hugs her back against herself.

MYLUNE:  Ohhhh has anyone ever told you you’re like a big giant warm fuzzy snuggly teddy bear yourself, Miss Cloudy-bear?

BEN-LIN:  <looking around somewhat panicked, but cearly trying to maintain her composure>  So…with that in mind…let us adjourn for the day.  I will be in touch with each of you to arrange individual meetings.  We…we have much work to do…

LIADRIN:  Come on, sir, let’s just go back to Silvermoon…

Liadrin drags Lor’themar out of the room.  The others begin to make their way out as well, except for Mylune, who continues hugging Ben-Lin.

MYLUNE:  So huggly and cuddly and so so adorable!  I could just squeeze you all day, little bear!

Faranell gets up and walks over to Ben-Lin and Mylune on his way toward the door.

FARANELL:  So, I’m going to give you my contact info… Please, please tell me if there are any more of these meetings.  I will buy a ticket if I need to.

 

This has got to be some kind of a hazing thing.  Or Battlewail is doing some kind of weird trial to test my resolve, to see just how serious I am about the Gurtash thing.

Gotta tell you, though, if I have to go hang out with that crew again, I’m not sure I like even that kid enough…

More soon.

 

 

[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]

9 Comments »

Ragequitters never win

Posted in Transcripts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 5, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

earthonline2

You have logged on.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well that’s the problem with arcane, though.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  for me anyway.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  how you u mean?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi pwn

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hey, boss.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hey everyone

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well basically it’s just that since the magic isn’t strictly -alive-, it doesn’t read tone very well.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  ?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  hi pwn

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  so i have to be careful what i say, because the magic tends to take sarcasm literally.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  well i mean, why wouldnt it?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  What did I just walk in on?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Or do I not want to know?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  This one is pretty harmless.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Edwin and Jaina are deep into magic shop talk.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Ah

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  how are you doing, pwn?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well i tend to rely pretty heavily on sarcasm in my day-to-day communication.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Doing okay, gayle

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  hello omgipwnedurface.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  yeah, pretty much any time he says something, you want to picture him rolling his eyes

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  good to see you as always.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  see, case in point.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  oh lol

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  well that might be hard since i dont know what u look like

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  probably just as well.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  i haven’t aged well.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  lol its ok i like older guys =)

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  oh i remember that phase

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  HEY NOW

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  NO FLIRTING WITH OTHER MEN!

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  lol dont worry sweetie

[Lorthemar] has logged on.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi lorthemar

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  JUST KIDDING

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  I KNOW YOU’RE NOT LIKE THAT LOL

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Greetings, all.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Wow…you know, part of me wants to make a Jaina joke there

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  but mostly I’m just thinking…that poor dragon

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hey, Lorthemar.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  hi lor

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  I still say scalies just creep me out.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  are you new in the guild?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  No.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  sigh

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Why does everyone keep asking me that?  I’ve been in the guild for months.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  oh ok

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I don’t understand why people can’t remember who I am.

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has earned the achievement [Q’est-ce Que C’est]

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has earned the achievement [United Nations]!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  grats BQ!

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  grats

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Congratulations!

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Thank you, all.  ^_^

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Wait, you got the United Nations achievement?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  unless the game ui is trying to pull a fast one on you.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Indeed!

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Exalted with EVERY national faction?  HOW?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Admittedly, that last rep grind was particularly onerous.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Which one?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  France.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh geez yeah

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  The French don’t like anybody

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Not so; they’re quite fond of me now.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh actually, let me take care of this while I’m thinking of it

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  What’s that?

[EdwardBear | Ji] has joined the guild.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  welcome!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  welcome ed

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Who’s this now?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Ji Firepaw

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  He overheard me talking about the game with Spazzle a couple days ago and got curious

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Ah…well this should be entertaining.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  How are the new pandaren recruits working out so far, Warchief?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Eh…sort of a mixed bag

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  They mean well, but…I don’t know.  We’ll see

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  brb

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Welcome to the guild!

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  So I’m guessing he’s REALLY newbish.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, he’s going to be pretty green

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Speaking of which

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  he seems quiet.

[GilbertRose | Dontrag] has logged on.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi gil

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Edward, type /g to talk in guild chat

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Hello, Utvoch.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  can you see this?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  ah there we are

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  no this is dontrag

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Welcome aboard, Ed.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Greetings, Edward.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Is this your first time logging onto Earth Online in general?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  And, are you sure, Utvoch?  I could swear you were Utvoch, Dontrag.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  no, i logged on for a little while last night

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  it looks fun

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  yes i’m sure

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Oh, so this is your first Earth Online character?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  we’ve talked about this before

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  yes

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well if you’re so sure about it, I don’t see why we would have had to discuss it repeatedly.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  But if you insist, I suppose I’ll take your word on being Dontrag, Utvoch.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  A double welcome to you, then!

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  thank you

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  ok good

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  are you new too?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You really love messing with him, don’t you?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Why yes.  Yes I do.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Whichever one of them he actually is.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  sigh

[Guild][Lorthemar]  No, I’m not.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Can you blame me, really?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I’m not new.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  are you sure your not new lor?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  i dont think i’ve seen you on before

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Yes I’m sure.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I’m not new, for the hundredth time.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well of course you’re not new for the hundredth time.  that wouldn’t be new.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  you can only be new once.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  …

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  what class are you playing ed?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Just say the word if you need any help with anything, Edward.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  I know some things can be a little confusing at first.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  a farmer

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Hmm, I’ve never played one of those.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  they don’t really sound too exciting to play

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh hey, I’ve got my Refer-a-Friend pet now

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  What kind?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You should have gotten one too, Edward

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  A dog

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  don’t you already have one?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  how do i get it?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, but the RAF is a random draw from a bunch of breeds

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  There are a lot of different breeds.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  You already have it, Edward.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So for instance, this one I just got is a cocker spaniel

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  If you go to the bottom of your screen, you can open your pet catalog.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  omg i love the new pet sparring!

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  ok

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  oh there it is

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  what kind did you get?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  how can i see the details?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Right click on it.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  anyway we should get going, we have lunch plans

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  bye leslie

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Eat well!

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  BYE EVERYONE

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  byeeeee

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  ok i think i see it now

[Proudleslie | Jaina] has logged off.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  What’s the verdict?

[HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] has logged off.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  it says it’s called a poodle

[Guild][Lorthemar]  You can name it, too, if you want to.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Those are those fru-fru looking dogs, right?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  they’re supposed to be smart

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  how do i do that?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  you mean they make good spellcasters?  or the coders gave them a slightly less nonsensical AI?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Right click again, then pick “rename.”

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  ok

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  thank you

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  No problem.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  By the way, Garrosh, did you ever end up talking to the orphanage about Gurtash?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, I put out a few feelers

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Gurtash is that orphan boy who’s been helping take care of the Warchief’s wyvern?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Garrosh was thinking of maybe seeing about adopting him.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  ok done

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  done what?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That’s…that’s remarkable.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Right now Battlewail has me in a holding pattern.  Something about questions about my temperament

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i named the pet

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  oh nice

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  A preposterous dispersion against your character, Warchief.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So there’s some meeting they want me to go to with Social Services later this week

[SteveKravitz | Utvoch] has logged on.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  hi steve

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  hey

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Hang on…we have a Department of Social Services?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Who knew, right?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That -had- to have been a Thrall program.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah, I mean…where the hell have THEY been?

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  hi guys

[Guild][Lorthemar]  So what did you end up naming the pet, Edward?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Greetings, Steve!

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i named her winnie

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, I know

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]  sup man

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Not sure what the deal is with the meeting, but I guess some of the pandas are involved somehow

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Oh?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  after my aunt, jae win

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  she had similarly poofy hair

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  not too much

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, not too clear about any more than that

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh actually

[Guild][Lorthemar]  That works.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Winnie the poodle has a certain ring to it.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  thanks

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  oh hey who’s the new guy?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hey Ji, quick question

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i just joined the guild today

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  nice to meet you

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  no not you

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  yes warchief?  i mean guildmaster

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  i meant the other new guy

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  lorthemar

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You might know something about this

[Guild][Lorthemar]  ugh

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Okay, SERIOUSLY

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Enough is enough already.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  ?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Oh sure, “?” at me

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Well I’ll see your “?” and raise you a “!!!”

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Because I’m SICK AND TIRED of nobody around here ever knowing WHO THE HELL I AM

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Um, what’s this guy’s damage?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  So I’m going to explain this ONE MORE TIME

[Guild][Lorthemar]  SO GRAB A DAMN CRAYON TO WRITE IT DOWN THIS TIME

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I

[Guild][Lorthemar]  AM NOT

[Guild][Lorthemar]  NEW

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Is that CLEAR enough for you IDIOTS?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I HAVE BEEN IN THIS GODDAMN GUILD FOR MONTHS

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I CAN REMEMBER BEING ONLINE WHEN HALF YOU OTHER PEOPLE JOINED

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I’M NOT A RECRUIT, I’M NOT SOMEBODY’S COUSIN

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I AM LOR’THEMAR THERON, DAMMIT!

[Guild][Lorthemar]  REGENT LORD OF QUEL’THALAS

[Guild][Lorthemar]  It NOT HARD to remember that part

[Guild][Lorthemar]  LOOK

[Guild][Lorthemar]  <–

[Guild][Lorthemar]  SEE HOW THAT WORKS, YOU MOUTHBREATHING IDIOTS?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  “Lorthemar”…IS LOR’THEMAR

[Guild][Lorthemar]  THAT’S ME

[Guild][Lorthemar]  LOR’THEMAR FUCKING THERON

[Guild][Lorthemar]  RULER OF THE BLOOD ELVES

[Guild][Lorthemar]  ME

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  oh hi, lorthemar.  welcome to the guild.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  did you just join?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  sdfghliuhurtyhweuirthlidrhglsdajghfljksdhg

[Guild][Lorthemar]  THAT DOES IT THE HELL WITH YOU ALL

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch]  um no prof he just said he’s been in the guild a while

[Lorthemar] has logged off.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  well what crawled up his ass?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  He’s a blood elf.  Who knows

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  um

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  people don’t usually get that upset about this game, do they?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Um, well…

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  your naivete is adorable.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Quick pointer, Ji…don’t queue for any battlegrounds.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  or dungeons

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Or pay attention to trade chat when you’re in the major cities.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  and while you’re at it you might just want to uninstall the whole game right now and cancel your internet service.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  oh.  um.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i guess i’ll go back to leveling

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Where in the world are you?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  orgrimmar

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  No, I mean, where in the game?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  But like I was starting to say like ten minutes ago

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i just got sent to a region called siberia

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Do you know anything about these meetings your panda friends are working on for Social Services, Ji?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  a little bit, yes sir

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  the orphan matron suggested i arrange for some of my people to help

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  since pandaren culture places great value on being centered and grounded emotionally

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, you guys do seem very even keel

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  we try to be, yes sir

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  so a few of my people are helping hold some sessions on some of our methods and principles

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  particularly for controlling anger

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  …

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So ANOTHER one basically telling me I have a temper?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  see i TOLD you you needed to work on not being angry all the time

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  YOU stay out of this

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  oh hey

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  well clearly i’m not the only one thinking it!

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Clearly a sign of their failure to appreciate the pressures and stresses that come with the laudable work you do day in and day out.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  When you’re not playing video games or blogging.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  i was going around fighting a few things for xp, when these mobster npcs attacked me and ran off

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  and now i have things missing from my inventory

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona]  oh those russian mob guys are nasty

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  You said you were in Siberia?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay, so I think I need to go do some checking on this

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I’ll be back

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  yes

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  Yeah, you have to watch for that.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar]  In Soviet Russia, mobs farm you.

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