More stupid questions

Posted in General, Words from Behind the Curtain with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

question

So you might remember a couple posts ago I talked about being invited by those Klout people to answer their members’ questions about blogging — A WISE MOVE ON THE PART OF KLOUT, I AM SURE YOU WILL AGREE.  (Huh.  I initially typoed “Klout” as “Lout”…can you imagine a place called “Lout.com” wanting my advice?)  I answered a bunch of questions for you, like I showed you all here, and even though I never heard anything back from them, I’m sure they appreciated my Warchieferous insight, because lo and behold, they’re at it again.

Yes, the Klout people have sent me another batch of questions to answer from their members, and hey, I couldn’t deny you people of my insight, so here we go.

 

What do you think are the best blogging tools and why?

I’m very big on the computer and keyboard, because I find paper and quill just make for a lot of busywork as far as distributing the posts to all my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS.  That and my hand cramps up a lot that way.  Actually my hand cramps up a lot when I’m online anyway, but the less said about that the better.  (HI, GREATMOTHER.)

 

What’s the easiest way to live blog an event and why?

Oh man, have you come to the right place.  When the event begins, start typing.  Hit “update” every now and then.  When it’s over, stop.  Also, try to make sure you’re not within range of Nozdormu’s why-fly, because timey whimey really fucks up your chronology.  Also make sure your tech goblin actually KEEPS VARIAN THE FUCK OUT THIS TIME BECAUSE WTF.

 

Do you think that it is important for businesses to have active blogs? Why or why not?

I think it’s much more important for businesses to have inactive blogs.  Because that sends the message that you’re way too fucking busy doing important shit like, you know, BUSINESS, to waste your day dicking around blogging.

 

Who are the three best bloggers and why?

Me, myself, and I.  Dumbass.  (Dumbass would be you.  Not one of the three best bloggers.  Which are me.  Because I’m at least as pimp as any three other bloggers.)  (Dumbass.)

 

KEEP ’EM COMING, KLOUT.  You’re welcome.

Also, while I’ve got everyone’s attention and I’m in the mood to answer questions, it occurs to me that I haven’t done a mailbag in quite a while, so let ,encourage you all to write in with any questions you might have for your Warchief.  To make it a little easier, in fact, I’m even going to try out this new doohicky that Spazzle says he build into the blog, so you folks can have an easier time sending in your letters…

← Back

Thank you for your response. ✨

Well looky there.  Shiny.

Also on the topic of receiving things from my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS, I just got a little goodie the other day that I just had to share with you all.  Those of you who follow me on Twitter (and for those of you who DON’T — WHY THE FUCK NOT?) might have noticed a few days ago I had a little back-and-forth with Sylvanas and Lor’themotherfucker.  Based on some of the…um…discussion we were having, loyalreaderandminion @RakaelWhispers put together this little gem and sent it along.  I thought you peeps would enjoy:

NotGarry

 

[A quick(ish) OOC note:  Apologies — once again — for becoming so inactive with the blog lately.  The last few weeks have been keeping me very busy with work, and even when I’ve had some down time, I often haven’t had the mental energy to assemble something worth posting.  This has been compounded by the fact that blog continuity has reached a point at which the next post HAS to be a comic that I’ve had planned for a while.  (Unless I decide to try to do one more rap battle.  Which I might.  Don’t try me.)  (Teasing preview: Dontrag and Utvoch feature heavily.  Plus an old mailbag friend makes a first-time comic-form appearance.)  (No, not Bob.)  (Parentheses are fun, aren’t they?)  I’m doing my best to get the comic finished soon, but I don’t want to promise a specific day and then fall short; I’m hoping I can count on your continued patience.  As always, I appreciate everyone’s interest and feedback, and I’ll be working as best I can to get the story rolling again before everybody gets too sick of waiting.]

9 Comments »

Because you asked for it…

Posted in EPIC VERSE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 20, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

seatofknowledge

Okay, kids, while it’s still National Poetry Month, and I’m still basking in the glow of my GLORIOUS EPIC VERSE VICTORY over Varian (FUCK YOU, VARIAN VOTERS), I figured I’d do a request for another matchup.  Credit where it’s due, by the way, you guys really stepped up to the plate with your suggestions in the comments last time.  So, without any further ado…

*  *  *  *  *

EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

BRANN BRONZEBEARD

VS.

LOREWALKER CHO

BEGIN!

*  *  *  *  *

CHO:

Once upon a time, in a land across the sea,
An under-mountain kingdom was ruled by hammers three;
The youngest Bronzebeard brother wandered off, the world to see —
The great explorer?  He looks like a little poser to me.

You travel, sure, around the world, but don’t know what you’re doing;
You chase down leads but hardly have a clue what you’re pursuing.
But I know, “Branbronzan,” and now I’ll be your undoing:
Both our peoples might love beer, but you won’t like what I’ve got brewing.

Now I’m sure you’ll try your rhyming and you’ll throw your sticks and stones,
But you’ll never change the fact you’re a junior Harrison Jones.
You ran around backpacking but you didn’t go to college;
So take some notes here, kid — welcome to my Seat of Knowledge.

BRANN:

I’m sorry, were ye talking?  I think I zoned out,
From another long-ass story that nobody cares about.
When people listen to ye, they fall asleep and they drop;
They tune out long before they ever hear yer Aesop.

Ye got this right: I had no time to stay and rule a nation;
No politics for me, exploring was me inclination.
I roamed ’cross every continent and distant destination,
Unearthing Titan clues from Halls of Stone to Origination.

Now me rhymes are all unshackled and me flow’s unchecked,
So if ye want to battle, know ye’re gonna get wrecked.
They’ll be diggin’ up yer fragments when I finish my attack,
’Cause you’re fightin’ Brann now — nobody’s got yer back.

CHO:

You talk a good game, but your knowledge is a flop.
I preside in scholar’s heaven; you’re off working the gift shop.
You say your guild’s Explorer — you sure it’s not Lollipop?
I’ll call you Phase 3 Elegon — that’s how fast you’re gonna drop.

Into the Vaults I led a raiding team of nearly thirty;
I hung back smiling while I let them go get their hands dirty.
I studied mogu secrets while they fended off attackers;
You don’t discover anything unless it’s done ass-backwards.

You trumpet your achievements but I say it’s contradictory;
For all you do is bumble then Jar-Jar your way to victory.
I interpreted the warnings of the Emperor to heed.
Now the writing’s on the wall for you — but I don’t think you can read.

BRANN:

Don’t even try yer braggin’ ’bout yer strollin’ in the Vaults,
Twice now the world damn near blew up and it was all my fault.
I dug up Titan keepers and set loose Old God monstrosities:
There ain’t no trouble too big for my cat-like curiosity.

I dragged my hapless helpers through so many deadly places —
When I triggered that Tribunal, lad, ye shoulda seen their faces.
Oh, sure, they went complaining and they made a big production,
But I don’t think life’s worth livin’ if ye don’t risk world destruction.

Why, even now I’m on the trail of Titan secrets rare;
These tablets indicate a place, I just have to figure where.

CHO:

Wait, where’d you find those tablets?

BRANN:

In the Vaults of Mogu’shan.

CHO:

You snuck in there behind us?

BRANN:

Have we met?  Hi, my name’s Brann.

It seems a strange contraptions’s hidden somewhere in the Vale.
I’ll have to work it more, but rest assured I’m on the trail.

CHO:

Another Titan engine?

BRANN:

Or a prison.  Maybe so.
Wait, have ye got Old Gods down here?

CHO:

Not as far as we know.

But let me see that, junior, let a Lorewalker conduct
A proper study of those texts; the meaning I’ll deduct.
I’ll be the one to find it!

BRANN:

Yeah, grandpa, good luck.

CHO:

Better me; you’ll likely find a way to trip a self-destruct.

BRANN:

Ye know as well as I do: only thing worse than “unknown”
Is finding these devices…and then leaving them alone.

CHO:

’Tis true, the scholar’s impulse: though our helpers are perturbed;
Sometimes you simply must disturb what should not be disturbed.

BRANN:

A hidden button on the wall!  Its purpose — who knows what?
A Titan secret bigger than your furry panda gut.
I’ll bet it holds a secret!

CHO:

I’ll wager that it’s cursed!

BRANN:

I’m pressing that button!

CHO:

Not if I get there first!

<Brann and Cho run out in opposite directions.>

*  *  *  *  *

WHO WON?

WHO’S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

brannvscho1

brannvscho2

brannvscho3

EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

19 Comments »

Again I ask…

Posted in EPIC VERSE with tags , , , , , , on April 16, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

books1

WHO WON?

And, maybe even more importantly…

WHO’S NEXT?

No, really.

Since the live blog seemed to go over pretty well, and we DO still have a couple weeks left of National Poetry Month, I may see about putting together another of these battles before all is said and done…provided you guys are able to keep playing muse and come up with some good matchups!  So get commenting!

24 Comments »

Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge: EPIC VERSE live blog

Posted in EPIC VERSE with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

epicverse2

Those of you who were reading the blog last year at this time will remember Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge – when, in honor of National Poetry Month, I called upon my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS to give me suggestions for a whole slew of EPIC VERSE masterpieces.  You all stepped up to the plate (well, those of you who were here at the time…and for those of you who weren’t, WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?), and we had a month full of EPIC VERSE goodness.

This year, as I announced a couple weeks ago, I’m continuing the Poetry Challenge tradition with a live blog.  Yes, that’s right, it’s the SECOND ANNUAL Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge – sure to be an annual tradition for years and years to come.

For tonight’s lyrical explosion of spontaneous awesomeness, I’m once again calling on you all to inspire your Warchief.  Here’s how this is going to work: when this post goes live, you’re all invited to use the comments to post your ideas and suggestions – you can give topics, themes, characters, turns of phrase, ANYTHING you think might make for a good starting point to give me ideas for what I’m going to write.  (Try to keep your suggestions here in the comments, rather than Twitter/Facebook/wherever, so your fellow readers and I can see them all in one place.)

Starting at 8:00 PM EDT, I’ll begin the live blog by adding to this post.  At that point, I’ll start composing a new EPIC VERSE masterpiece (or masterpieces?) based on the suggestions you’ve given.  Feel free to keep offering new ideas as we go along – I might incorporate new suggestions into the poem I’m writing, or maybe use them for ANOTHER new poem before the night is out.  We’ll just see how it goes.  In any case…once the live blog has started, keep refreshing this page.  I’ll be adding to the post incrementally as I write, and you’ll get to watch your Warchief’s latest EPIC VERSE composed right before your eyes, in progress.

Kind of like getting to see how the sausage gets made.  If the sausage was made from the ground meat of the SUPER AWESOME UBER-BEAST RAISED IN THE PARADISE FIELDS OF GENIUS AND FED A STEADY DIET OF SOLIDIFIED PERFECTION AND BADASSERY.

*  *  *  *  *

Okay, kids, the show’s about to begin.  I’m going to take a moment and take a look at what we’ve got for suggestions so far, and maybe give the latecomers a minute or two to get their initial suggestions in before I get rolling.  Keep the ideas coming as we go, and I may still work them in as I’m able…

Remember, keep refreshing this page to watch the live blog unfold in progress.

*  *  *  *  *

The Dontrag and the Utvoch came
To celebrate the season,
And brought such pain to any brain
Imbued with any reason.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch asked
The Warchief for permission
To undertake — for sure, half-baked —
A Noblegarden mission.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch told
The Warchief of their plan:
To gather eggs from hopping legs
That bounced around the land.

The Warchief, for his part, approved,
And told them to proceed.
(He thought, of course, the only source
For this could be felweed.)

The Dontrag and the Utvoch ran
Across the Four-Winds Valley,
And high and low sought eggs to go
Into their final tally.

Then near a burrow, D&U
Saw wrigglin’ and squirmin’,
When to the ground, with mighty bound
Leapt out a giant virmen.

The Dontrag cried, “Move fast, Utvoch!
Don’t let it run off!  Grab it!”
For sure, he thought, they had just caught
The Noblegarden Rabbit.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch pounced
And lunged with all their might —
Though in no story was their quarry
Such a daunting height.

They found the Rabbit’s fury one
That not a one surpasses,
So by the end, their hoppy friend
Had badly kicked their asses.

The Warchief, when the pair returned,
Was unsure, sad or funny,
Which best to say, to know that they’d
Been beat on by a bunny.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch mused,
“At least we didn’t die.”
And down they sat on asses fat
And dined on humble pie.

EPIC V—

That was weak.

…

The FUCK?  Who the hell is this?!

What, you still don’t recognize me, Hellscream?  I thought you were good at spotting me online now.

Wait, don’t tell me this is—  Hang on.

SPAZZLE!

What’s up, boss?

The likelihood of me drop-kicking your green ass back to the Lost Isles, for starters.

That’s it.  Throw another hissy fit and alienate even more of your own people.  That’s a formula for success.

Oh…oh no.  Don’t tell me Varian broke into the blog again.

OH I’M TELLING YOU EXACTLY THAT, MOTHERFUCKER

Have you considered anger management classes, by the way?

What the hell happened to the SECURITY thingywhatsises you were supposedly building into the blog, like, FOREVER ago?

Ugh.  It must be that wireless connection you have down there.  I TOLD you Grizzle didn’t know how to set up a reliable network above the level of aluminum cans and some string.

Goddammit.  Well try to get him out of here, will you?  I’ve got a live blog to do.

You mean this exhibition of fail?  Hah.  I couldn’t pass up the chance to look in a watch you make an even bigger jackass of yourself than usual.

Hey, don’t be jealous just because I actually know how to string a few words together, human.

Actually, you know what?  Go ahead and be jealous of that.  Also of all the fans I have, who’ve turned out to bask in the brilliance (BACK ME UP HERE, PEOPLE).  And, oh yeah, of how much smarter and better-looking and all-around more awesome I am.

Hellscream, I haven’t done any writing since I was a kid—

I notice you’re not counting your own blog there.

—but even I could do better than these dimwitted nursery rhymes you’re spewing out.

You know what, asshole?  YOU’RE ON.  Let’s see what you’ve got.

CUE THE AMBIGUOUSLY THIRD-PERSON LEAD-IN!

*  *  *  *  *

EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

GARROSH HELLSCREAM

VS.

VARIAN WRYNN

BEGIN!

*  *  *  *  *

Come on, bring it, Hellscream – hope you’re ready to lose.
I’m pretty sure a basic campfire could rhyme better than you.
I’m the king!  The boss!  I was born to rule!
Thrall took his Doomhammer and left the orcs with a tool.
While I was ruling orc arenas with my wolf-god-modding
You were a whiny emo bitch busy whining and sobbing.
I’ll crush you, Garrosh, and add it to our duel triple feature
’Cause I’m the High King – you’re just a substitute teacher.

I’ve got no time for your Alliance propaganda,
Gonna beat you down so hard you’re gonna think I’m a panda.
You’re facing Garrosh, Lo’gosh – I was put here to pwn ya.
My dad killed Mannoroth; yours got ganked by Garona.
So the Warchief will pour grief and settle some scores:
I’m taking the lok’tar, all the ogar is yours.
No “either/or” in the fate that you deserved:
Crushed beneath the Horde – AND the one getting served.

Sure, hide in daddy’s shadow – I knew you’d bring up Grom,
I don’t remember that he ever had to use a mana bomb.
You’re on your own now, worried yet?  ’Cause your lackeys you’re lackin’ –
You’re not getting bailed out now by your magnataur and kraken.
I’m coming with a gag order, I’ve had more than enough,
You’re so much talk, even your howling axe won’t ever shut up.
You’ve got a skull that’s all tiny, and your jaw’s extra large –
Between your mouth and your brain, I guess that shows who’s in charge.

You’re one to talk jaws, Chin-Boy, yours could carve out a mogu,
I’d call you Scarface but you’ve got no friends to say hello to.
Your scars and fail and ponytail – you’re like Lor’themar Lite.
I’ll bake your pride in lemon squares: here, swallow both in one bite.
You’re defensive, apprehensive; I’m offensive, gone berzerker –
I bet Tiffin cut you off, that’s why you had to screw your workers.
My rhymes are terse and yours are worse, so curse and next time go rehearse,
Now FUCK YOU, VARIAN – that’s

EPIC

fucking

VERSE

<drops mic and walks away like a boss>

…

*  *  *  *  *

WHO WON?

WHO’S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

 

[Thanks for coming, everyone.  More weirdness soon…]

33 Comments »

Ask a stupid question

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 13, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

epicverse

So, yeah, I know it’s been a while since I updated.  I ended up being really, REALLY busy on Earth Online for a while, so whenever I got done with all my dailies, I was too damn tired to worry about blogging.  The worst part of the grind is over now, though, so I should be able to be a little better about updating here.

So speaking of blog matters, there’s a site that some of you probably know about called Klout that tries to measure how influential people are online (to questionable degrees of success).  You get a score out of 100, and people can give you these kinda-sorta thumbs-ups for topics you’re supposedly an expert on.  And I guess they have some other ways of gauging topics where people consider you “influential.”

So for instance, the Klout people think I’m influential when it comes to blogging, poetry, and comedy.  (No word on why “kicking ass,” “being fucking awesome,” and “lemon squares” didn’t make this list.)  I don’t know where the comedy part comes from, unless they’re talking about the supporting cast I’m stuck with, and even then I’d consider them more of a tragedy than a comedy, personally.  But whatever, I guess that’s their point of view.  Comedy is the tragedy that happens to someone else, and tragedy is the comedy that happens to you.

Anyway, I recently got a notice from the Klout people that because of my expertise (damn right, show the proper respect, bitches), I was eligible to answer questions from other Klout users.  So when I opened up my page, I had a bunch of trial questions to answer, in Tweet-ish short answer form.  And so I figured, I can’t deprive you all of the wisdom I imparted here.  So here, copy-and-pasted directly from my submissions on the site…

 

How should I get started blogging?

First, find a goblin who has a lot of free time and tell him he’s going to set the site up for you because it would be a shame if there was a major fire in the Bilgewater slums.  No, you can’t have my goblin, get your own.  Then sit your ass down and start typing.  When you run out of ideas, stop.

 

Are there any blogging resources you would recommend?

Yes.  Again, you definitely want to have a tech goblin working for you who can set up the site and maintain it and explain nerdy technical shit like deleting.  Because the last thing you want is to get stuck having to sit at a computer all day.  Again, no, you can’t have mine.

 

Which blog host site do you prefer and why?

Not that one.  I hear it sucks.

 

What advice can you give someone who wants to make money blogging?

You can make money blogging?  That’s fucking news to me!  My only suggestion is that no matter how awesome your content is, you absolutely, positively cannot be drawing on somebody else’s intellectual property.  Then again, that would be pretty fucking lame in the first place, so, you know.

 

How can I tell if my content is funny?

Ask yourself this question: Do people laugh at you a lot?  If no, I have bad news for you.  If yes, ask yourself this follow-up question: When they laugh at you, were you trying to make them laugh?  If yes, you’re probably funny.  If no…well…hello, Utvoch.

 

What subject matter should I write my poetry about?

Well for one, you could write about how you don’t end a sentence with a preposition.  Whatever you do, don’t try writing poetry about telling Varian Wrynn to go fuck himself, because I’m telling you right now, I’ve got that shit covered.

 

Yes, I actually submitted all these.  Why do you ask?

I have not yet received a notification from the Klout people to thank me for my insight and confirm that my answers would be posted with all due haste.  But I’m guessing they’ve just been busy on Earth Online too and I’ll be hearing from them soon enough.

While I’ve got everyone’s attention, though, and while we’re on the subject of poetry, let me remind everyone that the Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge LIVE BLOG will be tomorrow night, April 14.  I’ll put up a setup post that evening asking for you all to give me suggestions for EPIC VERSE topics and themes, and start time for the live blog will be 8:00 PM EDT.  I’ll be composing a new EPIC VERSE masterpiece based on the suggestions you all make that night, and you’ll get to watch it being composed line by line, live and in person.  BE THERE OR BE PREPARED TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO YOUR GRANDCHILDREN YEARS FROM NOW WHEN THEY COME TO YOU LIKE “GRANDMA, WTF?!”

4 Comments »

Mutiny!

Posted in Transcripts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 1, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

earthonline9

Since we finished with Shan Kien a few days ago, I’ve been back at Domination Point, partly checking in on things there with Warlord Bloodhilt and General Nazgrim, and partly giving myself a break from Baine and Lor’themotherfucker.  Maybe if I leave them alone with each other, they’ll have no option but to bitch and moan at each other until one of them reaches bitch-and-moan critical mass and spontaneously combusts.  Not likely, I know, but it’s a little dream I have.

As part of my much-needed recuperation time, I finally managed to get Earth Online set up on my computer here.  The internet here at the base is still kind of spotty – I’ve been having to pick my spots as far as when I can blog for the entire time I’ve been here – but Grizzle Gearslip tells me the connection should be stable enough now that I shouldn’t have any trouble getting some gaming in.

 

You have logged on.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  what about blurry vision?  slurred speech?

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  oh hey

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well well, look who we have here!

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  no

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  it’s probably not one of ours, then.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I hope you feel better, ji

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hey people

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  You sense of humor is, as always, most amusing, Doctor.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  anyway, does anyone have a level 30 something they’d like to team up with?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  But you should be wary of making such jokes, as they may only encourage some to believe we’re actually pursuing such untoward efforts as the creation of plague.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji]  actually never mind, i should probably get going

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  see you later, ji

[EdwardBear | Ji] has logged off.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  yeah, i can’t imagine where anyone would get that idea about us.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  has garona gotten there yet?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Huh this is weird…

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  What is, Warchief?

You have been disconnected.

.

.

.

.

.

You have logged on.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  do you think he got mad and logged?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  oh hey, Garrosh

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  welcome back.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, I suppose we’ll see presently, won’t we.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Ugh

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Thanks, Doc

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  did you see my tell?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Is everything all right, Garrosh?

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Yeah

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  I just didn’t get a chance to answer

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I think so

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  what happened?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I’m not sure, my connection just went out on me

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, hopefully it was an isolated hiccup and won’t continue causing you problems.

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  But no, she didn’t get here yet

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  ah ok

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, hopefully

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Why?

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  just curious

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So anyway, as I was saying

You have been disconnected.

.

.

.

.

.

You have logged on.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  thanks baddie

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  You two are well, I hope.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  PRETTY GOOD THANKS

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  re-wb

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  And back again.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  hi pwn

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  same problem, boss?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  havent seen u in a while

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Pretty much

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Just getting knocked offline randomly

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Quite frustrating, I’m sure.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, I’ve been traveling for work, so I haven’t been able to log on until now

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  what kind of internet connection do you have there?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  yea i know how that goes

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  i’ve been having to travel around some for work too

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  If you’re looking for something more specific than “apparently a bad one,” you’re talking to the wrong guy

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  hmm

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So anyway

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  How interesting, Leslie.  Anything specific you’re working on these days?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Did they change something in the guild management panel?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I’m sure the details would be fascinating.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  at the bottom of your UI, mouse over the icon that looks like a little planet

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  that will show your network info

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Not that I’m aware of.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Why do you ask?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  lol your always so interested in my work

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  oh boy…

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Okay, I’ve got it

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I’m just curious about people’s professional experiences.  ^_^

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I’m showing a lot fewer guild management options than I used to

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So I’m wondering if they changed something

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  ok, at the very bottom of that info box there should be a string of numbers and letters

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  lol well theres alot going on here but alot of it i cant really talk about

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  copy that to me

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, no.  Perhaps you should peruse the guild roster a moment.

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Hmm, okay…give me a minute…

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  here we go…

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh but those are the most interesting ones to chat about under the anonymity afforded by the internet.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well, you’ve established you work in Dalaran.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  well yes

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hang on, I’m juggling a couple things

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  if it involves magic research i could probably save you some time finding the tomes you need.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  HOW DO YOU FIGURE

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  THX1138-NCC1701-PU36

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  oh man

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  well, based on our conversation the other day, I probably know your libraries a bit better than you.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  who set up your connection down there?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  your serious

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  my serious what?

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Grizzle Gearslip

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Why?  How bad is it?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  no, ‘your serious’ is a question

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay, guild roster

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  no, “you’re serious?” is a question.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  “your serious” is an incomplete noun phrase.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Um.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  ugh… he’s good with mining and construction

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  …

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Just exactly

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  WHAT

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  THE FUCK

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  IS THIS?

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  but for networking he might as well be trying to put something together with one of those electronics kits from the wonderworks

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  if you don’t want my help, you can just say no.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  What is what, pray tell?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL WHAT

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  HOW exactly is it showing SYLVANAS as guild leader???

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  hoo boy…

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Well, there *are* in-game mechanisms for such things.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  When the current leader is offline for a prolonged period.  ^_^

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You fucking OVERTHREW me?!?!

You have been disconnected.

.

.

.

.

.

You have logged on.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I don’t think he would jsut rage quit

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Ah, here he is.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  wb pwn

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  looks like you’re having connection trouble

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay so AS I WAS SAYING

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You OVERTHREW me??!

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  can’t say I’m surprised you’re having trouble staying on

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You could say that, yeah

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  ^_^

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  So…it’s bad.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  let me put it this way

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  And hey, hold on, she couldn’t even have DONE this without another officer, so that means either you or Mokvar, Spazzle

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  congratulations, the base hasn’t burned down yet

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  um, well…

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  What’s going on with Mokvar now, anyway?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  It’s funny you should ask, Warchief.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  so yeah staying on topic

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  I was the one who signed off on the dethrone

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I…see

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]:  Fucking hell is THIS what you were talking about???

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered:  um, what?

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]:  With the “they’re going to turn against you” cryptic bullshit

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  well to be fair, boss, you’d been away for a while and there was no telling when you’d be able to get on again

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered:  you realize that was another version of me whose memories i don’t share, right?

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]:  UGH FUCKING TIME TRAVEL

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  and your connection right now isn’t exactly helping

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah yeah whatever

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered:  fucking time travel indeed.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  You people have had your fun, now reinstall me before I get on a boat headed north

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oh, very well, Warchief.  If you insist.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I seriously don’t know what the fuck is wrong with people, I look away for a minute and everything turns into a fucking cartoon

[Lorthemar] has logged on.

[Lorthemar] has been promoted to Guild Leader.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  …

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Oops.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  YOU’RE FUCKING RIGHT OOPS

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  grats lorthemar!

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  oh this should be good.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  That honestly was a legitimate mistake.  Albeit a funny one.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Oh…wow…really?

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  CONGRATS ON THE PROMOTION LOR

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  I was about to click on you to promote you when Lor’themar logged on.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  i will bet you any amount of money you’re not the only person saying “wow, really?” right now.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  And, well, his character name is right ahead of yours alphabetically.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  So…he bumped you down one spot on the guild list, and…

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Well…thank you, guildmates!

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  are you seeing this, lor?

[Guild][Lorthemar]  This is truly an unexpected honor

[Guild][Lorthemar]  But one for which I shall endeavor to prove my worthiness!

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  yay lor!

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I really don’t know what else to say!

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  i know you’ll make a good guild leader =)

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Thank you!

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  guess not

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  He probably doesn’t realize he has to turn on officer chat.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Okay so seriously

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Oh, hello, Omgipwnedurface.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  yeah probably

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah, hello

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So before you get speechifying again, Livindead just made a mistake handing you the reins

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So before you get too excited

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  oh yikes

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Hand them back over

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Oh.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Well, I suppose LivinDeadGrl DOES have more experience as an officer.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  NOT TO HER YOU FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  PROMOTE -ME-

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Fine, fine, let me find where the command is…

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell]  does anyone know if there’s a popcorn vendor anywhere in game?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Well FIND IT FAST LORI

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  WHILE YOU STILL HAVE ONE EYE TO LOOK WITH

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I’m working on it, calm down…

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  what are u looking for sweetie?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Oh fuck you, Hair-Care

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Huh.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  WHAT? I’M NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING

[Guild][Lorthemar]  You know what?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  oops sorry, that was pwn

[Guild][Lorthemar]  No.

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Fuck YOU.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  i thought it was u typing there

You have been kicked out of the guild.

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  jkhfgkjshgfkjysdgkfiuhsdfjkghskgf

You whispered to [Lorthemar]:  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  I know, I know

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] whispered:  My apologies, Warchief.

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] whispered:  I’m trying to calm Lor’themar down now.

[Lorthemar] whispered:  Fuck you, Garrosh

[Proudleslie | Jaina] whispered:  omg what happened?

You whispered to [Lorthemar]:  Oh you REALLY want to die, don’t you

[Lorthemar] is ignoring you.

You whispered to [LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]:  Well now he’s ignoring me

You whispered to [LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]:  So you can tell him to stop being such a tempermental baby while you’re at it

You whispered to [Proudleslie | Jaina]:  Don’t even get me started

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] whispered:  Of course, sir.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  yeah, he’s pretty upset

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered:  I don’t know what we’re going to do about GL, but I can invite you back to the guild at least

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Oh gee thanks

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  I don’t fucking believe this shit

You have been invited to join the guild <Warchief>.

You have joined the guild <Warchief>.

You have been promoted to the rank Recruit.

You have been promoted to the rank Member.

You have been promoted to the rank Officer.

You have been disconnected.

.

.

.

.

.

You have logged on.

[Officer][Lorthemar]  Well that’s just too bad, now isn’t it?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Lor’themar, I understand, but please try to be prudent at least.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  FUCKING HELL

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  wow this is a really bad day for pwn

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  welcome back, boss

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  UGH this is infuriating

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  Actually, while we’re inviting, let me bring a friend in as well, if nobody minds.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  sure

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Between the disconnections and Ponytail here all I need is a pickle for the crap sandwich that is my day

[Bob] has joined the guild.

[Bob] has been promoted to the rank Recruit.

[Bob] has been promoted to the rank Member.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  hi bob!

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos]  WELCOME

[Guild][Lorthemar]  Greetings, Bob!  As Guild Leader, let me welcome you to the guild!

[Guild][Lorthemar]  I’m sure you’ll feel right at home with the <Warchief> tag below your name.

[Guild][Bob]  Tanks, mon!  It’s good ta be here!

[Guild][Bob]  I be lookin’ forward to goin’ on epic missions with lots a ya!

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  This guy seems familiar

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  OH SHIT

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  ^_^

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  So…you play EO too, huh?

[Guild][Bob]  Hey, mon!  Do I know ya?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  sigh

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  I’ll get you all for this

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  No

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  um

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Nice to meet you

[Guild][Bob]  Good ta meet ya too, OmgipwneduMon!

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  But for now… I’m going to log off before this vein in my forehead bursts

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  quick recommendation, boss?

You whispered to [LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]:  You GET his ass in line, you understand me?

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] whispered:  Of course, dear Warchief.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  next time you log on, if you think you smell burning hair, turn off your computer

[Guild][Bob]  So I got a question if anybody knows.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Yeah

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Fine

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  For the duration, Lor’themar, you might want to change the GL title from what I’d set it as.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]  Taking off now

[Guild][Bob]  If da Lich King’s horse be Invincible, how come I could see it?

[Officer][Lorthemar]  What’s the title now?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]  “Queen.”

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina]  no no, thats invisible

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]  oh man, good thing Garrosh is leaving

You have logged off.

9 Comments »

Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge revisted

Posted in EPIC VERSE, General with tags , , , , , on March 31, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

quillandpaper

So, with the calendar about to roll over into April, you know what that means – National Poetry Month!

And you know what National Poetry Month means – Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge!

For those of you who weren’t reading the blog at this time last year…well, first of all, WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?  But, letting that slide for the moment (but JUST for the moment, so don’t get too comfy), let me explain.  Last year, in honor of National Poetry month, I stepped up to the plate to crank out a month’s worth of EPIC VERSE, all inspired by reader suggestions.  The poems were kind of a mixed bag – which is to say, they were varying degrees of SPECTACULAR FREAKING GENIUS.  Just as you would expect from your Warchief.  Locks in Socks seemed to go over pretty well, for one.

Anyway.  I want to do another poetry challenge this year to commemorate the month, but I also want to mix it up a little and not just repeat what I did last year.  Plus, there’s so much going on around here what with the Alliance and the mogu and the Divine Bell, I don’t know if I can spare the time to set aside two days a week for poetry.  BRILLIANT THOUGH IT IS.

So here’s this year’s plan.  I’m still going to be offering up some EPIC VERSE drawing on reader suggestions, but this time around, I’m going to go about it a little differently.  Hold on to your ass for this one.

Two words: live blogging.

That’s right, I’m going to live blog EPIC VERSE, and you’re all invited to watch it being composed right before your eyes, line by line.  Or couplet by couplet…stanza by…oh, fuck it, you’ll get to see it being written incrementally in SOME configuration depending on what I come up with at the time, okay?!

So here’s how this is going to work.  Two weeks from today – SUNDAY, APRIL 14 – I’ll put up a post in the early evening to set the stage for the live blog.  Everyone will be invited to leave comments on that post with EPIC VERSE suggestions.  It could be a topic, a theme, a character you’d like to see, a turn of phrase – anything you can come up with that will give me something to work with and get the ol’ creative juices flowing.  Then, at 8 PM EST, I’ll start the live blog, and you’ll be able to see what I come up with as I compose my newest masterpiece live before your eyes, based on at least one, possibly more, of your suggestions.

Remember, save your ideas for the big night – don’t post your suggestions now, because part of the point of it all is to see what I can come up with when I get your ideas dropped on me that night with no time to prepare.  Otherwise, though…be thinking of ideas, and clear your schedule on the night of April 14 – EPIC VERSE AWAITS.

9 Comments »

Timing is Everything

Posted in Words from Behind the Curtain with tags , , , , , , on March 28, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

commandboard5

Hi, everyone.  This is Averry, making one of my rare appearances.

Since I’ve gotten a few inquiries about this, I thought I would make a blanket note here in the blog: Yes, I know I’m running way behind in-game events.  Yes, I know we’re a few weeks into patch 5.2, and the blog is still only midway through the Domination Offensive storyline from 5.1.  Yes, yes, I know.

Now, granted, the blog has always trailed a bit behind the game as a matter of necessity – I’ve always maintained that when new material comes out, I want to have time to play through and process it before I start trying to work it into the blog.  So there was never a chance that new content would be acknowledged here right away (well, other than foreshadowing).  But since it’s now bordering on the ridiculous, let’s just acknowledge it: the blog is pretty much unfolding under its own timetable.  Part of the reason is the comics (new one coming up soon-ish, by the way; Dontrag and Utvoch fans rejoice) — which are fun to make, but man, do they ever eat up time, so they’ve led to some longer gaps between posts than I would like.  Another part is, obviously, the side stories I’ve been working into the Domination Offensive thread, not to mention the Mokvar story that’s been running simultaneously.

If anything, I’m grateful that people seem to have been sticking with me through all of this.  To make everything a little easier to follow, I’ve added entries to the Major Storylines page for both the Domination Offensive events and Mokvar’s story (the latter being a story that really has to develop slowly).  I’ll try to keep those pages updated as the stories unfold.  In the meantime, I can only ask that people continue to trust that there’s a reason why I’m not just banging out the Domination storyline in a week’s worth of posts, and that all the peripheral material is actually leading somewhere.  It just…may not necessarily lead there as quickly as the patch releases might dictate.  My hope is that after I finish with 5.1 (someday!), I’ll be able to make up a little time, since the 5.2 content isn’t particularly Garrosh-heavy, but even then, there will be some 5.1 fallout to deal with.  (Not least of all being a surprise set off by the purge of Dalaran – that’s right, there’s your teaser!)  All of which will probably keep me busy until 5.3 has been out for months…hoo boy.

This all may or may not be part of a devious plot to delay the Warchief’s eventual fate while I milk more time to spin my strange variety of yarns.  Draw your own conclusions…

Be seeing you,

Averry

16 Comments »

A public service announcement

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

garrosh5

Greetings, random internet surfer.

Welcome to the Warchief’s Command Board.  Depending on how you found your way here, you may or may not know what this site actually is.  If you don’t, allow me to illuminate.  What you see before you is the personal blog of Garrosh Hellscream, Warchief of the Horde.

No, seriously.  No joke.  This is really Garrosh.  [OOC disclaimer from our legal department: This isn’t really Garrosh.]

If this sounds like something that might interest you, perhaps you’d care to peruse the blog to learn a bit more about it and what kinds of adventures I’ve been detailing thus far.  But I’d like to take a moment here to speak to those of you who already suspect that this site isn’t quite what you had set out looking for.

Greetings again, my good internet denizens.

From your arrival here, I gather that you too are a fan of the Google search engine.  I can’t say I blame you.  I know I’ve found many lemon square recipes that I never would have known about (though admittedly still no match for Greatmother’s) courtesy of the good people at Google.

I’m also happy to have new potential readers find their way here, regardless of how.  So welcome, one and all.

With that said, I suppose I may want to address the concerns that some of you may be feeling at this point.  And yes, I’m afraid you may be in for no small amount of disappointment, my friends.  I regret to inform you that the odds are great that you will not find the true object of your search here.

Because, you see, while I am certainly no friend of Jaina Proudmoore, and while you’ll find no shortage of mockery and outright hostility directed at her from me here, I’m afraid that nowhere in these pages will you find visual evidence of her engaged in carnal acts with livestock.  No cows.  No goats.  Not even a piddling little barnyard dog.

Yes, I know.  In this shameful instance, the Google machine appears to have lied to you.  I am as shocked and dismayed by this as you are.

Likewise, you will not find anything here that you might file under “Jaina Proudmoore captured xxx,” much to the chagrin of at least three of you.  I would of course be only too happy to report the capture of an enemy of the Horde such as Jaina, but I fear that the “xxx” on the end of the search string adds a further wrinkle which renders the already-unlikely scenario much more far-fetched.

Well, okay.  Somewhat more far-fetched.  This is Jaina we’re talking about.  But I digress.

While we’re on the subject, you’re also not going to find “Jaina Proudmoore and Varian porn,” “Jaina and Tyrande porn,” “Jaina Proudmoore Muradin porn” or – despite its rampant popularity – “Jaina Proudmoore and Sylvanas porn.”  Speaking of which, let’s just extend the whole blanket “nope” to any comparable permutations involving Sylvanas.  No Argent Confessor Paletress.  No Liadrin.  No High Inquisitor Whitemane.  No Shademaster Kiryn.  Not gonna happen, people.  Trust me.  I’ve floated a couple of those by her more than once myself.  She’s not biting.  Let it go.

Moreover, whoever among you came here looking for “Jaina Proudmoore climbing pole to victory porn drawing” (yes, really), “pandaren fucked by brown virmen” (yes, really), “broken blood elf statue with vagina showing” (yes, really), “Grimtotem fucking with Mankrik’s wife while Mankrik sees it” (yes, really)…I honestly don’t know what to say to any of you.  Other than perhaps having to offer you some begrudging respect for knowing exactly what you want in your lives.  Horrifying and sad though they may be.

But alas, your simple albeit distressingly specific wishes will not be fulfilled here.  Once again, the perfidious Google machine makes fools of us all.

And whichever one of you found your way here in search of “King Varian Wrynn gets a little diplomatic with Aggra’s butt porn” – and yes, one of you did (you know who are you are) – I can only shake my head sadly and mourn whatever tragedy befell you in childhood.  I would also suggest securing your home, as I suspect there’s at least a passing chance Thrall may be on his way over as we speak.

And, further, nowhere on this blog will you find anything that might be described as “Varian Wrynn raped by devilsaur,” although, let me assure you, language cannot express the delight with which I would provide you with such documentation if I could.

Indeed, the only fleeting glimmer of hope I can offer amid this endless parade of sadness would be whoever came to the blog searching for “man what the f happened Horde” – a sentiment with which I can certainly sympathize, and which I have likely expressed in my posts here on more occasions than one.  Sadly, though, it is a question for which I can offer you no answers, my friend.  I wish I knew what the f happened.  I truly, truly do.

For those among you who are regular readers of this blog, and who might hasten to point out that this very post may well exacerbate this Google hit issue by providing additional suspect phrases for the search engine to latch onto, let me reassure you that I am only too aware of this possibility.  And to any such Google users who do indeed find their way here as a result, I will only say:

Greetings, random internet surfer.  Welcome to the Warchief’s Command Board.  I would tell you that you will leave this site empty-handed, but I suppose that partly depends on how you arrived.

 

Finally, if I might add a closing postscript: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU FUCKING PEOPLE?!?!!

Ugh.

UGH.

MOVING ON.

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The fine art of persuasion

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 22, 2013 by Garrosh Hellscream

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So brace yourselves for this one – Lor’themotherfucker’s blood elves, who insisted I give them the chance to interrogate that mogu Shan Kien about the Divine Bell?  Guess what they turned up for us?  ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

I know.  I’ll give you a minute to sit down and recover from the shock.

Recovered yet?  Okay.  Moving on.

Anyway, after I’d given the elves time to establish yet again how completely and utterly USELESS they are, I sent orders for them to deliver Shan Kien over to the Kor’kron up in Kun-Lai summit.  By this point, Regent-Lord Eyepatch was back in Silvermoon on his prolonged post-sha-box crying jag, so I had the good fortune not to have to deal with a whole lot of complaining and protesting from his people when I sent the order.  I had Malkorok go up with his Kor’kron to receive the mogu at Garrosh’ar Advance – a small base we’d set up a ways north of Eastwind Rest – and wait for my arrival.

When I got there, by the way, Malkorok managed to get himself into another one of his cranky moods.  He was eating his lunch at the table we’d set up at the camp, and when I arrived he turned away from it to order the Kor’kron to bring Shan Kien out for me…whereupon Mortimer wandered over and, yep, you guessed it, polished off Malkorok’s food.  Mortimer seemed only too delighted — then again, who can blame him, seeing as I think that sandwich had bacon on it — although Malkorok was not pleased.  But I think he kept himself reined in since he could see what a kick I got out of the whole thing.

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Of course, as I was getting ready to leave the Sanctum of Two Moons with Blademaster Ishi, Baine overheard where I was going and decided to tag along to keep an eye on things.  Because…well…I don’t know, I guess he thinks that when you’re dealing with an agent of a malevolent enemy bent on world domination, it’s really super important that you be nice to him.  Or something.

I’ll grant, though, Baine did turn out to be handy.  I put in a little time trying my own brand of charm and persuasion on Shan Kien, but after a while my knuckles were getting sore, and that was when Baine suggested we use some Pandaren concoction called Memory Wine that would let us peek into Shan Kien’s memories and see where the Divine Bell had been hidden.  Which, by the way, um, WHY DIDN’T HE MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT THIS STUFF BEFORE YOU KNOW I BET THAT SHIT WOULD HAVE BEEN HANDY DON’T YOU THINK GUYS?

Ugh.

So, we got a volunteer to try out the Memory Wine, and got a peek of Shan Kien sealing up the Divine Bell in a mogu tomb somewhere along a mountainside.  The whole thing went surprisingly smoothly, other than the fact that while we were using the Memory Wine, it seemed like every couple minutes we had problems with the yaks we had with us suddenly running around all spooked.  Which started getting on my nerves after a while.  Anyway, since Gurtash is sort of our resident artist, I’m having him flown up to work up some sketches of the place to help guide the search parties.  I’m having Ishi stay up here to organize the scouts and coordinate.  Meanwhile, I’m going to check in at Domination Point and maybe look into a contingency plan or two.

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