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Words from a Scribe

Posted in Transcripts, Words from a Scribe with tags malkorok, mokvar, oblique references, saurfang, WoW on December 24, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

Hey, everyone. This is Mokvar guest posting for Garrosh. While the Warchief is traveling to Pandaria, Spazzle and I are going to be sharing blogging duties here. Even though I know I’ve written a lot of material that’s been posted in the form of transcripts, I’ll admit it feels a bit odd to be speaking to you directly like this. I suppose I’ll get used to it soon enough.

Since my premature brush with mortality last week, I’ve been resting at home mostly, although generally I think people have been acting a little overprotective – at least in terms of how much recovery time I need. It’s nice that they’re concerned, I suppose, but I don’t think anyone likes being treated like the orcish equivalent of a walking, breathing porcelain vase. Honestly, I’m a shaman, and before that I was a warlock. It was one death. We walk these things off.

I’m not going to write too much today, but I did have one item that I wanted to share. In his last post, Garrosh mentioned that Saurfang had paid him a visit after he’d sent a request to borrow the services of the High Overlord’s personal scribe. As it happens, since Saurfang did bring his scribe (Adelene Sunlace) with him, there was a record of the visit. I managed to get a copy from Adelene. (Scribe solidarity, yo!) (Okay, I won’t do that again.)

Here it is. Consider it a Winter Veil present. You’ll see why.

Scene: Grommash Hold, Orgrimmar

[HIGH OVERLORD VAROK SAURFANG enters, accompanied by scribe ADELENE SUNLACE. Awaiting them in the war room are WARCHIEF GARROSH HELLSCREAM, EITRIGG, and MALKOROK.]

GARROSH

Morning, Saurfang.

EITRIGG

Welcome back to Orgrimmar, High Overlord.

SAURFANG

Warchief. Eitrigg, a pleasure to see you again, as always.

GARROSH

I was surprised to hear you were coming down personally, Saurfang.

SAURFANG

As was I by your message, Warchief.

GARROSH

Well, yeah, nobody really saw the thing with Mokvar coming.

SAURFANG

No, Warchief, that’s not what I mean.

GARROSH

Huh. What then?

SAURFANG

It occurs to me that your message was the first I’ve heard from you since our last…disagreement. Curious that I would only now hear from the Warchief when he has need of a scribe.

GARROSH

Well, honestly, Saurfang, up until now there hasn’t been much reason for me to contact you.

SAURFANG

Indeed, Warchief? No need to coordinate with me for any Kor’kron operations here at home?

MALKOROK

Kor’kron operations are well under control, Overlord, and don’t need any further coordination from—

[Saurfang, without taking his gaze off of Garrosh, silences Malkorok with a raised hand in his direction.]

SAURFANG

Warchief? Who. Is this person. Who presumes to speak to me as if I require his input?

MALKOROK

I’ll have you know, old man, I—

[Saurfang cuts Malkorok off mid-sentence by grabbing him by the throat and lifting him off the ground.]

SAURFANG

[Still not looking at Malkorok.]

Pardon me. I was talking about you, not to you.

[Tosses Malkorok awkwardly to the ground.]

Hush now, boy.

GARROSH

Saurfang, this is Malkorok, one of my advisors. He’s been taking over the hands-on management of the Kor’kron since you’ve been holding down the fort in Northrend.

SAURFANG

Has he now. Curious that I had asked about just such a development when last I came to speak with you, only to be assured it was preposterous.

[Stares at Garrosh for a moment.]

More curious still that I would only now be learning of this…reassignment of the Guard.

MALKOROK

My Kor’kron have been—

SAURFANG

[Shoots an icy glare at Malkorok.]

Your. Kor’kron?

[Looks back to Garrosh.]

Although I suppose they are “his” Kor’kron now; I noticed even on my way here several wearing the uniform whom I had no hand in training.

MALKOROK

The needs of the Horde now call for a new and better—

SAURFANG

Boy, I was training soldiers when you were not yet a glimmer in your mother’s eye or a regret in your father’s hung-over recollection, and I would advise you to bite your tongue while you still have it.

MALKOROK

I don’t have to stand for this insolence, old man! Mak’gor—

[Malkorok draws one of his axes and leaps at Saurfang; still staring down Garrosh, Saurfang intercepts Malkorok’s weapon hand at the wrist and twists it back with an audible crack. He releases Malkorok’s wrist, then immediately grabs him by the back of his head and slams him face-first to the floor.]

AAAAH!

SAURFANG

Then by all means, don’t stand.

GARROSH

Enough, Saurfang. The Kor’kron have been reassigned. You have your duties in Northrend. Tend to them, and we’ll tend to our work here in Orgrimmar.

SAURFANG

I’m curious, Warchief…

GARROSH

You’re curious about a lot of things today.

SAURFANG

Yes indeed.

[Glances down at Malkorok, then back to Garrosh.]

What hold does he have on you?

GARROSH

Excuse me?

SAURFANG

What influence has this…orc won, that he has swayed command of the Kor’kron to himself over me? That he has won your ear, over Eitrigg?

GARROSH

Malkorok understands, Saurfang. Understands the Horde as it is today, and what’s needed to secure its future. As opposed to…others, who dwell in the past.

SAURFANG

I remember our past. And I do not do so to dwell in it, Warchief, but to hold it at arm’s length, so as not to repeat it.

GARROSH

I heard this song and dance a dozen times over in Northrend, Saurfang.

SAURFANG

That only means you gave me a dozen occasions to repeat it, Warchief.

GARROSH

Well are we done now? Because I’m getting tired of listening to it.

SAURFANG

[Chuckles grimly.]

Listening. Yes, I think we are.

[Saurfang turns and walks toward the door. Just before reaching it, he stops and turns his head, not quite looking back over his shoulder.]

One last point of curiosity, Warchief. The mana bomb that was used in the attack on Theramore. How did you happen upon a power source for it?

GARROSH

I don’t think that’s any of your concern, Saurfang.

SAURFANG

Yes, I suppose such strategic matters need to be kept between the Warchief and the commander of the Kor’kron Guard.

[Starts to walk out the door.]

Be well, Eitrigg. Honor go with you.

GARROSH

Hey!

[Saurfang stops in the doorway.]

SAURFANG

Yes, Warchief?

GARROSH

So are you loaning me your scribe or not?

SAURFANG

[Sighs.]

Miss Sunlace, come along, please.

[Saurfang exits.]

GARROSH

Geez, is it me, or is he getting more ornery with old age?

MALKOROK

[Still sprawled out on the floor.]

He does seem a bit ill-tempered, yes sir.

And to all a good night.

“Don’t make me come over there again, Malcoldcock. I will keep them busy scraping you off the floor until the Lunar Festival.”

4 Comments »

The Garrosh scribe sweepstakes

Posted in General, Transcripts with tags blood guard gro'tash, eitrigg, gul'tar, ji firepaw, malkorok, mokvar, oblique references, pandaria, WoW on December 21, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

First off, since everyone has been asking, Mokvar is doing okay. He’s got a shaman over in the Valley of Wisdom he’s been checking in with, and he’s been resting up mostly. Ji Firepaw has been spending a fair amount of time over there too when he hasn’t been running all over the place with some of his panda friends. So far Malkorok hasn’t dug up any leads, but I’m giving him a lot of latitude – I want this thing squared away before we leave for Pandaria in a few days.

The upcoming voyage, though, just serves as a reminder of how badly I need an interim scribe, seeing as Mokvar isn’t going to be coming, at least not at first. I’ve gotten some interest from a few people – although I’m definitely still taking applications – and I figured the best way to go about this is to let them all have a tryout. I had a meeting earlier with Malkorok and Eitrigg, along with Malkork’s peeps Gul’tar and Blood Guard Gro’tash, and so I invited a few of the contenders to attend and show what they can do.

So, here we go with today’s scribe auditions, starting with…

Nerog, inscription trainer from the Drag:

EITRIGG: Shall we begin, Warchief?

GARROSH: A member of our company yet remains absent – you, gentlemen: have you any notion of where Malkorok might be?

GUL’TAR: He said he would be here after seeing Mokvar about the attack. … We can fill in for him if need be, sir.

GARROSH: Very well.

EITRIGG: Have you made the final troop assignments, Warchief?

GARROSH: The final rosters have been cast; I shall arrange for copies for Malkorok and yourself once our new scribe is in place.

EITRIGG: Yes, sir. Have we been able to gather enough troops from Mulgore to fill out this initial wave? I know Baine had expressed some concerns about gathering a large force on short notice…

GARROSH: Ah, ask not one man more from Mulgore! Rather proclaim it throughout our host, that he that has no stomach to this fight – let him depart! We would not die in that man’s company!

EITRIGG: As you say, sir. We few, we merry few…

GARROSH: Have you completed the compilation of our gathered intelligence on the peoples of Pandaria?

EITRIGG: Yes, sir. There are the pandaren, obviously, with whom we’ve established contacts now in multiple regions. Their primary nemesis appears to be a race called the mogu.

…

(Eitrigg outlines the mogu race: former rulers of Pandaria, overthrown, recently returned, power to put souls into stone)

EITRIGG: Perhaps it might be worth conducting some research at the mogu ruins? A reason to bring a contingent from the Reliquary?

GARROSH: A worthwhile idea, I suppose, especially in that bringing some number of the blood elves might facilitate the strained relations with their people of late.

EITRIGG: Yes, sir.

(Malkorok enters somewhat unsteadily.)

MALKOROK: Apologies for being late, Warchief. …

GUL’TAR: Sir, what happened? You look—

MALKOROK: There was an…incident at that scribe’s dwelling.

GARROSH: I shudder to imagine the condition of your foe, though you appear to have been wounded yourself.

MALKOROK: My adversary took the worse of the exchange, enough that he saw fit to flee.

…

The scribe escaped …

GARROSH: What happened?

MALKOROK: I had some questions to ask the scribe about the other night.

…

I wasn’t inclined to leave it to chance.

…

GARROSH: And I take it he got away?

MALKOROK: Unfortunately

EITRIGG: How did he manage to escape?

…

GARROSH: A fair query, in light of your supposed prowess in both combat and security.

MALKOROK: I had gained the upper hand when I was stunned somehow. There may have been a second party

…

GARROSH: In that case, as we now have potentially multiple rogue parties loose in Orgrimmar, I want security tightened, especially in light of our imminent departure for Pandaria.

…

Speaking of which, one other item pertaining to the voyage, and I cannot stress its importance enough.

EITRIGG: Yes, Warchief?

GARROSH: Do NOT. Tell Vol’jin. When we’re leaving.

So, you know, as much as I like this guy – he was really doing a good job of capturing my command of the language, if I say so myself, something even our boy Mokvar sometimes cuts corners with, FOR WHAT REASON I CANNOT IMAGINE – but it’s pretty painfully obvious he just couldn’t keep up. Way too much skipping stuff and glossing over and what-have-you.

This, obviously, raises some questions about…you know…why this guy is the freaking inscription TRAINER around here, but whatever.

Next…

Sinzi Sparkscribe, ink vendor:

EITRIGG
Shall we begin, Warchief?

GARROSH
We’re still short one advisor. Do you guys know where Malkorok is?

GRO’TASH
I think he was going to speak to Mokvar about the attack, Warchief. There were some follow-up questions.

GUL’TAR
We can fill in for him if need be, sir. Even take notes if you think…

GARROSH
[Looks over to the trio of scribes.]
I think we’ve already got that covered.

EITRIGG
Have you made the final troop assignments, Warchief?

GARROSH
I have the rosters written up. I’ll get copies to you and Malkorok soon.

EITRIGG
Yes, sir. Have we been able to gather enough troops from Mulgore to fill out this initial wave? I know Baine had some concerns…

GARROSH
Not as many as I’d like, but we’ll make due without them. I’m not going to lose a lot of sleep over a shortage of half-hearted conscripts.

EITRIGG
If you say so, sir.

GARROSH
Have you finished compiling the reports on the local races we’re liable to encounter?

EITRIGG
Yes, sir. There’s the pandaren, obviously, with whom we’ve established contacts now in multiple zones. Their primary nemesis appears to be a race called the mogu – a curious race, it would seem, who apparently ruled Pandaria tyrannically for a prolonged period before being overthrown by the pandaren.

GARROSH
So hold on, they were overthrown by the pandaren? I’m not exactly scared of these guys.

EITRIGG
Still, sir, they appear to have been very much feared, and have just recently reappeared. And they seem to have possessed the power to infuse living souls into stone, either to imprison or to preserve for eventual reawakening.

GARROSH
Huh. I think Krog mentioned something like that recently.

EITRIGG
Perhaps it might be worth conducting some research at some of the mogu ruins while we’re there? All the more reason to bring that contingent from the Reliquary?

GARROSH
Yeah, couldn’t hurt. Plus, like I said before, it might help smooth things over a little with Lor’themar if I bring a few extra blood elves for the trip.

EITRIGG
Yes, sir.

[Malkorok enters, bruised.]

MALKOROK
My apologies for being late, Warchief. There was an…incident at the scribe’s dwelling.

GARROSH
You look like you took a few pretty good shots…

MALKOROK
Rest assured, Warchief, my adversary took the brunt of the exchange. Enough so that they saw fit to fl e.

EITRIGG
W at happen d? Wh t abo t Mokv r? Is he a l rig t?

MALKOROK
The scribe…es ape d unsc thed so f r s I k w.

…

[The transcript trails off at this point, with a note in pencil indicating “Out of ink.”]

So okay…hang on.

Let’s even set aside the fact that she knew this was her scribing audition here, and the fact that under those circumstances you would THINK someone would show up with enough materials that there’s no way they could run out. Let’s even set that aside.

She’s…a fucking…INK TRADER.

And she RAN OUT OF INK?

HOW in the FUCK…you know what? Forget it. I’m only going to make myself more angry. Moving on.

Next up…

Xantili, inscription vendor from the Valley of Spirits:

EITRIGG: Shall we begin, Warchief?

GARROSH: Well we’re still short one advisor. You guys know where Malkorok is?

GUL’TAR: Does anyone really care where he is?

GRO’TASH: I believe he was going to speak to Mokvar about the attack, Warchief. I think there were some follow-up questions.

GUL’TAR: We can fill in for him if need be, sir. Even take notes if you think…

GARROSH: <looking over the group of scribes> Yeah, I think we’ve already got that covered. Okay then.

EITRIGG: Have you made the final troop assignments, Warchief?

GARROSH: I have the rosters written up. I’ll get copies to you and Malkorok as soon as… <gestures to the scribes> …well, you know.

EITRIGG: Yes, sir. Have we been able to gather enough troops from Mulgore to fill out this initial wave? I know Baine had expressed some concerns…

GARROSH: Not as many as I’d like, but we’ll make due without them. I’m not going to lose a lot of sleep over a shortage of half-hearted conscripts. We’ll fill things out one way or another.

EITRIGG: If you say so, sir.

GARROSH: Have you finished compiling those reports on the local races we’re liable to encounter?

EITRIGG: Yes, sir. There’s the pandaren, obviously, with whom we’ve established contacts now in multiple zones. Their primary nemesis appears to be a race called the mogu – a curious race, it would seem, who apparently ruled Pandaria tyrannically for a prolonged period before being overthrown by the pandaren.

GARROSH: So hold on, they had their iron rule toppled by the fat, drunken teddy bears? I’m not exactly shaking in my boots over these guys.

EITRIGG: Still, sir, they appear to have been very much feared, and have just recently reappeared. And they seem to have possessed the power to infuse living souls into stone, either to imprison or to preserve for eventual reawakening.

GARROSH: Huh. I think Krog mentioned something like that recently. Interesting…

EITRIGG: Perhaps it might be worth conducting some research at some of the mogu ruins while we’re there? All the more reason to bring that contingent from the Reliquary?

GARROSH: Yeah, couldn’t hurt, I suppose. Plus it might help smooth things over a little with…you know…ol’ Captain Peroxide up there in Silvermoon if I bring a few extra blood elves for this shindig.

EITRIGG: Yes, sir.

Malkorok stumbles in shakily.

MALKOROK: Apologies for being late, Warchief. I was busy getting my ass handed to me.

GUL’TAR: What happened? You look—

MALKOROK: There was an…incident at that scribe’s dwelling.

GARROSH: Dude, what’s the other guy look like? You look like crap.

MALKOROK: Rest assured, Warchief, my adverary took the worst of the exchange, which is sort of a shame, I know, since as we all know everybody would love to see me get completely curbstomped. But I injured them enough that they saw fit to flee.

EITRIGG: What happened, jerk? What about Mokvar? Is he all right, or were you too busy losing to notice?

MALKOROK: The scribe…escaped unscathed so far as I know.

GARROSH: Okay, pinhead, let’s hear all about how you made a mess of this. As usual, mon.

MALKOROK: I was on my way to ask the scribe a few questions concerning the other night’s attack, when I saw a dark-cloaked figure approaching his dwelling. This was very scary, so obviously I wet myself. After I pulled myself together, I moved to intercept the intruder.

GARROSH: You think this was one of the attackers from the other night, back to finish the job?

MALKOROK: I wasn’t inclined to leave it to chance.

EITRIGG: Wasn’t there more than one of them the first time?

GARROSH: Did you get a good look at them?

MALKOROK: Not really since I’m such a screw-up. Dressed in black, hooded and masked, that’s about all I can say…

GARROSH: And I take it this one got away?

MALKOROK: Unfortunately, sir.

EITRIGG: And how, might I ask, did this intruder manage to elude our mighty warrior and internal security chief…?

MALKOROK: I refer you again to my being a royal screw-up. Though you try my patience, old mon…

GARROSH: Still, dude, it’s a fair question. This IS supposed to be your bread and butter, keeping the place locked down.

MALKOROK: I was winning, yay me, but then I was stunned somehow, boo I suck again. There may have been a second party intervening in the first one’s aid.

EITRIGG: Ah, so there was more than one…

MALKOROK: In any case, if their intent was to reach the scribe Mokvar, they were not successful. So I guess it was a tie in our battle to see who could out-fail the other.

GARROSH: Just the same, now we know they’re still on the loose in Orgrimmar somewhere. I want security tightened up, especially with us leaving for Pandaria soon.

MALKOROK: Yes, sir. I’ll try not to be so completely useless this time.

GARROSH: And speaking of which, one other thing about this Pandaria voyage. And I can’t possibly stress the importance of this enough.

EITRIGG: Yes, Warchief?

GARROSH: <looks grimly around the room> Do NOT. Let Vol’jin. Forget about the trip. I would really be missin’ him if he didn’t come.

Um…so…

Yeah. Keep those applications coming in. Like seriously.

I think I might send a note off to Saurfang while I’m thinking of it. I think he had a personal scribe up in Warsong Hold who was pretty good. Maybe I can talk him into letting me borrow her for a couple weeks.

Really. Scribe applications. Get on ’em, people.

2 Comments »

Best-laid plans

Posted in General, Transcripts with tags baine bloodhoof, dezco, eitrigg, gul'tar, gurtash, irritation, ji firepaw, malkorok, mokvar, oblique references, pandaren, pandaria, rak'gor bloodrazor, trainees, vol'jin, WoW on December 13, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

So I’ve been working with my trainees the last couple days, and other than the fact that by and large they have the attention span of a gnat on caffeine, and the fact that they seem to find every random thing hilarious, especially if you try to get them to STOP finding it hilarious, because when you try to get them to take something seriously for a change boy oh boy that REALLY brings on the LOL’s, and…what was I talking about? I swear I should try to edit some of these things when I write them. That is, if Spazzle can ever get his twitchy green ass around to showing me where the damn delete key is again.

Okay, so take two. The trainees. Once you get past all the crap that makes fourteen year olds annoying, which granted is a lot, they’re actually pretty good. I mean you can definitely see the makings of some pretty decent warriors among the bunch of them. Gurtash included, obviously, but then he does have kind of an unfair edge, what with me already having been showing him a few tricks. I’ll keep you all posted on how this whole thing goes.

In the meantime, we had another planning session for Pandaria today. We’re getting close to being ready to go…

EITRIGG: Preparations are going to schedule, Warchief. The fleet is now fully assembled at Bladefist Bay, and Grizzle Gearslip assures me that the last of the siege engines will be ready within a few days.

MALKOROK: I would recommend keeping the fleet on rotating patrols until we’re ready to depart, Warchief. If we keep the entire fleet docked, and the Alliance launches an attack…

GARROSH: Good call. I assume you can work out a rotation with Drok and the other captains?

MALKOROK: I’ll see to the arrangements, Warchief.

GARROSH: Good. One other question.

MALKOROK: Yes, sir?

GARROSH: Who the hell are these people?

Garrosh points to two other orcs sitting around Malkorok at the conference table.

MALKOROK: Sir? You’ve already met Rak’gor Bloodrazor here; he was at our last strategy session.

GARROSH: Oh, yeah, I remember him now. Who’s the other guy?

MALKOROK: Another one of my lieutenants, sir. This is Gul’tar – former apprentice of Ga’trul, in fact, from the initial Pandaia landing force.

EITRIGG: Did we ever find out exactly what happened with them, incidentally?

GARROSH: Not much other than being pretty well wiped out by the second wave of Alliance forces.

MALKOROK: You mean the ones that had to recruit the local fish men to fill out their ranks?

GARROSH: <sighs> Yes.

EITRIGG: Speaking of which, as well, since we’re drawing close to being ready, we might want to gather as much information as possible on the land and its peoples.

MALKOROK: I would imagine that may be a rare instance when those…preposterous new pandaren arrivals might prove useful.

GARROSH: You’ve been getting pretty close to Ji since he started playing EO, haven’t you, Mokvar? Pick up anything useful from him?

MOKVAR: Not really. Here’s the thing – Ji and all his people came from a place called the Wandering Isle, which isn’t actually part of Pandaria proper.

EITRIGG: It’s an island nearby, though, isn’t it?

MOKVAR: Well, sometimes.

EITRIGG: Sometimes?

MOKVAR: It’s technically not an island.

EITRIGG: What is it, then?

GARROSH: Hold on to your ass for this one…

MOKVAR: It’s a giant turtle.

MALKOROK: …What?

MOKVAR: The Wandering Isle is a giant turtle that swims around the ocean – usually near Pandaria, but not always. The pandaren that live there basically built a whole civilization on its back. A lot of them don’t even know the truth about the “island.”

MALKOROK: <grumbling> Warchief… I suspect your…scribe here may be providing faulty intelligence.

GARROSH: No, I got this same story about the Wandering Islse from Ji.

MALKOROK: This would be the same pandaren who appears to be forever getting himself stuck in tight openings in the pursuit of food?

EITRIGG: So I assume that since the Huojin live separately from the Pandaren mainland…?

MOKVAR: They haven’t had any contact with the place in generations. No help there as far as providing useful information.

GARROSH: I guess we’ll have to get by on what we’re able to learn from Nazgrim and Krog, then.

MOKVAR: While I’m thinking of it, though, Ji was asking me earlier about what’s going on in Ragefire Chasm. I guess he had a few of his people go down there—

MALKOROK: Is this really important enough to interrupt our planning, scribe? You can’t seriously think the confusion of those perpetually confused bear people is more relevant than the imminent invasion.

MOKVAR: I was just wondering—

MALKOROK: Wonder all you want, scribe, just do it quietly. Now then…

Vol’jin enters.

VOL’JIN: Hey, mon, sorry I be late ta da meetin’!

GARROSH: Oh fucking hell, who told him about the meeting THIS time?

VOL’JIN: Was I not supposed ta know, mon?

GARROSH: Not exactly.

VOL’JIN: Oh, was ya plannin’ a surprise party for me, mon? Is dere cake?

GARROSH: <rubbing his forehead> No, we’re not throwing you a surprise…you know what, fuck it, just sit down, Vol’jin.

VOL’JIN: Tank ya, Warchief.

Vol’jin walks over to Malkorok at the table and turns to Gul’tar.

Ya be in ma seat, mon.

GUL’TAR: I…what?

VOL’JIN: Dat seat, mon. Dat’s where I always sit. Ya be in ma spot, mon.

GARROSH: Vol’jin, does it actually matter?

VOL’JIN: Ya, mon! I’m a creature of habit, an’ I be feelin’ all outta sorts if I don’ sit in ma normal place! Besides…

Vol’jin claps Malkorok on the shoulder jovially; Malkorok jumps in surprise, then glares up at Vol’jin.

…Malkorok an’ me tight now, an’ I be missin’ ma buddy if I sit somewhere else!

GUL’TAR: <grumbles and turns to Malkorok> I’ll just move, sir. I would…hate to occupy the troll’s place.

Gul’tar moves over one seat. Vol’jin sits next to Malkorok. Malkorok stares at him icily for a moment; Vol’jin replies with an exaggerated grin.

GARROSH: So…back to business. What’s our latest from General Nazgrim?

EITRIGG: He and his team have recovered from their injuries and indicate they’re making inroads with some of the pandaren in the northern mountains.

VOL’JIN: Dey all make it t’rough okay?

EITRIGG: Shademaster Kiryn and Rivett Clutchpop made it fine. It seems their marksman, Shokia, is unaccounted for.

GARROSH: I wouldn’t worry too much about her…

EITRIGG: Nazgrim reports the northern pandaren are in conflict with a tauren offshoot race. He doesn’t make it sound like too dire a situation, though.

GARROSH: Not something we need to worry much about, anyway, if this is going on in the northern regions. We’ll be coming in along the southern coast.

MALKOROK: Do we have any operatives scouting the south for us, then?

EITRIGG: Just a number of volunteers who’ve been making their way around the continent of their own accord and checking in when they can.

VOL’JIN: I tink dere was a group of Baine’s people doin’ some explorin’ in da sout’ too, mon.

MALKOROK: What? Bloodhoof sent his own expedition to Pandaria?

VOL’JIN: Ya, mon. Sunwalker Dezco was leadin’ it.

MALKOROK: And why, I wonder, would he presume to send his own detachment without clearing it with Orgrimmar?

VOL’JIN: I didn’t know da tauren had to ask permission ta do tings.

MALKOROK: A loyal member of the Horde should be clearing obvious military operations with their Warchief, troll.

GARROSH: Do you want to explain why Baine apparently saw fit to tell YOU about this expedition and not ME?

VOL’JIN: <beaming> I’m a people person, mon!

MALKOROK: At best, this stinks of insubordination, Warchief. And potentially disloyalty of a far worse kind. How do we know they’re not conspiring for their own purposes?

EITRIGG: You cannot seriously think the tauren would be engaged in something illicit?

MALKOROK: I do not trust that Baine or the rest of his ilk. He’s put himself at odds with the Warchief too many times already.

VOL’JIN: Ya tink he’s disloyal, mon? I been speakin’ my mind to Garrosh, too – ya be tinkin’ I’m a traitor?

GARROSH: Not a traitor, Vol’jin, but I’ll tell you in no uncertain terms, the two of you HAVE been a grade-A pain in the ass the last few months.

MALKOROK: As far as I’m concerned, you could very well be conspiring with him on whatever he’s up to. Don’t think I’m not keeping an eye on you, troll.

VOL’JIN: Oh, don’cha be worryin’, mon. If I was ever workin’ against ya in secret, you’d know.

GARROSH: I… <rubs forehead> That…doesn’t even make sense, you stupid troll. By definition…

VOL’JIN: Besides, mon, ya don’ have ta be worryin’ about Dezco an’ his people. He even has one a da orcs wit him.

EITRIGG: Who?

VOL’JIN: Kor Bloodtusk, I tink ’is name was.

MALKOROK: A weak-minded puppet, most likely, lured over to that tauren’s misguided way of thinking.

MOKVAR: I have to say, actually—

MALKOROK: <glares> What do you want, scribe?

Mokvar looks down.

Now then—

MOKVAR: <turning back to Malkorok> What I want? I want to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it on a pike.

Behind Malkorok, Vol’jin beams and high-fives the air in Mokvar’s direction.

Or were you looking for something a little less big-picture?

MALKOROK: <glaring> Count yourself lucky, scribe, that you’re in the Warchief’s good graces…

MOKVAR: Yeah, because you would never—

EITRIGG: Gentlemen.

GARROSH: Yeah, guys, enough. Cool your jets, both of you, we don’t have time for this crap.

MALKOROK: Of course, Warchief…

GARROSH: So, Vol’jin, now that everybody’s gotten all riled up over the tauren expedition, have we heard anything from them that would actually be USEFUL?

VOL’JIN: Da one ting I heard was dere be a lotta old ruins from an older race, dat ruled before da pandaren. I don’ know anyt’ing about ’em, but from da ruins it sounds like dey was everywhere.

EITRIGG: Hmm. Possibly worth assigning a team from the Reliquary to join the expedition to look into?

GARROSH: Yeah, maybe. This is a military operation, not an archaeology dig, but calling in some of the blood elves on this might help smooth things over with ol’ what’s-his-name. Captain Peroxide.

MOKVAR: How’s his eye doing, by the way?

GARROSH: Don’t ask.

MOKVAR: Ah.

GARROSH: Anyway… I think that covers everything for today, doesn’t it, Eitrigg?

EITRIGG: Yes, sir. I don’t think there was anything else on the agenda.

VOL’JIN: Good party as always, mon. Next one at my place!

MOKVAR: If we’re done here, I’m going to head over to the Valley of Honor. I need to catch up with Ji about a couple things.

GARROSH: Good, keep him out of trouble for a few hours.

MALKOROK: If you’ll excuse me then, Warchief, Rak’gor and I have a few arrangements to make ourselves.

VOL’JIN: Don’ forget ta pick up da cake dis time, mon.

Malkorok blinks at Vol’jin, then shakes his head as he leaves, grumbling, with Rak’gor and Gul’tar.

<chuckling to himself> Never gets old, mon, never gets old…

[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]

5 Comments »

Anger management

Posted in General, Transcripts with tags ben-lin cloudstrider, clasped to bosom, eitrigg, faranell, gurtash, hamuul runetotem, irritation, liadrin, lor'themar, mokvar, mylune, oblique references, pandaren, stupidity, tirion fordring, WoW on December 7, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

The other day I mentioned there being some meeting that Orphan Matron Battlewail wanted me to attend if I were serious about getting Gurtash. She had me check in with Social Services, which is being run by some goblins these days. Don’t ask me how that happened. But they filled in a little more of the story. They’ve got one of Ji Firepaw’s panda friends holding a kind of seminar on dealing with anger, and they’ve opened it up to anybody who wants to attend. The only catch – well, other than the fact that this whole fucking waste of time is one huge catch in itself since WTF why do these fuckers keep acting like I’ve got some kind of fucking problem with my goddamn temper or some shit – is that they want all the attendees to have someone come with them, sort of a sponsor. My first thought was to bring Malkorok, seeing as he’s technically my bodyguard and should be going places with me anyway, but then I got to thinking that this gig might not be the kind of thing that…well…let’s just say the purposes of the session might not be facilitated by having Malkorok in the room.

Plus, really, why do I need a bodyguard again? Isn’t that kind of like getting a watch dog to guard your giant rabid wolverine?

So, bottom line, I got Mokvar to come with me. Which also had the added benefit of…

Garrosh and Mokvar enter a room in which several chairs have been arranged in a circle. At the far end of the room, a middle-aged pandaren woman is talking with Eitrigg.

GARROSH: So, um, we’re here for the meeting? Not sure we’ve got the right place.

The pandaren woman, all smiles, walks over to greet them.

PANDAREN: Oh, no, you are in the right place, Warchief. It is good to see you again.

GARROSH: Yeah, you too. We’ve met?

PANDAREN: <laughs softly> Yes, a few weeks back, but I will understand if you do not remember me. You were meeting quite a few of us from the Wandering Isle that day.

GARROSH: Ah. Yeah. And to be honest, no offense, most of you pandas still sort of blend together for me.

PANDAREN: Are you saying my people all look alike to you?

GARROSH: Actually not so much all look alike as there are like six variations I can recognize.

MOKVAR: To be fair, I’m not sure we orcs are much better.

GARROSH: True enough. And the less said about the trolls the better.

MOKVAR: Well, Vol’jin stands out some.

GARROSH: Well yeah. I was going to ask the other day, actually – did he have some work done? He looks different.

MOKVAR: I was wondering that too! So I’m not the only one that noticed?

GARROSH: Dude, he sprouted an extra toe on the backs of his feet.

MOKVAR: Seriously? That’s freaky as hell.

GARROSH: I know, right? <looks back to the pandaren woman> Anyway…um…we can probably discuss this another time.

The woman smiles bemusedly.

PANDAREN: In any case, Warchief, it is good to meet you more properly now. <extends her paw> I am Ben-Lin Cloudstrider. I have been a student of meditation among our people for many years. I look forward to sharing some of these techniques with you today.

GARROSH: Yeah. Great. So listen, Ben, how long you figure this is going to take?

BEN-LIN: The session shall take as long as it takes.

GARROSH: Ah. One of those. Terrific.

MOKVAR: So, Eitrigg, what are you doing here?

GARROSH: Yeah, Eitrigg, you never struck me as having a temper.

EITRIGG: I don’t really. I’m not here for me; I’m sponsoring a friend. He just hasn’t gotten here yet.

GARROSH: Ah, okay. Wait…hold on…a “friend”? Please don’t tell me…

Tirion Fordring enters.

TIRION: Ah, greetings, Warchief! A pleasure as always to see you once again. And doubly so, of course, for you, Eitrigg, my dear friend of many years. Far too many days have passed since last we enjoyed each other’s company…

GARROSH: <rubbing his forehead> Dude, you just saw him a couple months ago. I know. I was there.

TIRION: Perhaps! Perhaps, good Warchief! And perhaps indeed the calendar might insist that the interval has been short – but the spirit, my friend, the spirit tells me the time has been long! For surely, good Garrosh, you know of those imes when the moments feel far longer than the clock might otherwise claim.

GARROSH: <still rubbing his forehead> All too well, Tirion…

MOKVAR: Eitrigg, I’m still not sure I understand. Tirion never struck me as very temperamental either.

Eitrigg, standing behind Tirion, makes a drinking motion with his hand.

Ah. Got it.

BEN-LIN: It appears more of our attendees are arriving. I should introduce myself, if you will pardon me a moment.

Ben-Lin steps toward the door, where Lor’themar Theron enters, accompanied by Liadrin. While Ben-Lin talks to them, Faranell enters and walks over to Garrosh and Mokvar.

GARROSH: Hey, Doc.

FARANELL: Hey.

MOKVAR: You’re here for the meeting too, Edwin?

FARANELL: Mmhmm. As soon as I heard about this, I cleared my schedule for this afternoon.

MOKVAR: I didn’t know you had anger issues.

FARANELL: I don’t.

Faranell sits down and takes out a large bag of popcorn.

Lor’themar and Liadrin leave Ben-Lin and approach Garrosh et al. Ben-Lin circles around and talks with Tirion and Eitrigg in the background.

MOKVAR: Hey Liadrin.

LIADRIN: Hello, Mokvar. Edwin. Warchief.

GARROSH: Hey, Liadrin. Who’s your friend? Is he sponsoring you or something?

LOR’THEMAR: You see? YOU SEE? This is EXACTLY what I was talking about! Every time! EVERY SINGLE TIME! No matter HOW many damn times I meet them, the NEXT time it’s always “Oh, so who’s this guy?”

LIADRIN: Now now, try to calm down, sir…

GARROSH: Okay, standing corrected on who’s sponsoring who here.

LIADRIN: This has been a long time coming, frankly.

GARROSH: Yeah, fine, but seriously, who IS he?

LOR’THEMAR: <shaking Garrosh violently> I’M LOR’THEMAR THERON, YOU PEA-BRAINED, MOUTH-BREATHING OAF! RULER OF SILVERMOON! LEADER OF THE BLOOD ELVES! I BUILT YOU A DAMN MANA BOMB TO COMMIT WAR CRIMES WITH, YOU IGNORANT VULGARIAN!

GARROSH: <shoving Lor’themar back> YOU’RE the vulgarian, you fuck!

FARANELL: <munching on popcorn> So much better than doing culture samples with Zinge.

LOR’THEMAR: How DIFFICULT is it to remember WHO SOMEONE IS after you MEET THEM FOR THE TWENTIETH TIME?!

GARROSH: Apparently VERY, when the someone in question isn’t frigging IMPORTANT enough to be REMEMBERED, Ponytail!

MOKVAR: He blew up about this on our game the other day, actually.

LIADRIN: I heard.

MOKVAR: Has he been at it all this time?

LIADRIN: More or less. This is something he’s been bottling up for a while, really.

Ben-Lin returns to the group, with Tirion and Eitrigg close behind.

BEN-LIN: If we might all find our seats. The last few should arrive shortly.

Everyone settles into the chairs.

Good afternoon, all of you, and thank you for coming today. I am Ben-Lin Cloudstrider of the Huojin Pandaren, and I will be conducting today’s session. My people chose to join the Horde in large part because of our shared belief in confronting challenges directly, and it is in that spirit that I would like to commend each of you for coming here today. By chosing to attend, you have demonstrated your recognition of an enemy of sorts within yourselves, and your resolve to face and defeat that enemy.

GARROSH: Pfft, I don’t know about these people, but I got railroaded by the orphan matron. Screw this personal-growth hippie bullshit.

LOR’THEMAR: Same here. <nods head toward Liadrin> This one twisted my arm.

GARROSH: Personally I think the whole thing is a load of crap.

MOKVAR: Would it really kill you to just bite your tongue and humor people this one time?

LIADRIN: <sighs> I wonder what it would be like if some of our leaders were actually adults…

BEN-LIN: Ah. I am sensing resistance from some of you. This is unfortunate. I hope you will come to see the merit of our activities as we go along. Let us begin by each introducing ourselves and telling the group why we are here.

She turns to Faranell.

Let us begin with you. Would you like to introduce yourself to the group, my friend?

FARANELL: <tossing a piece of popcorn into his mouth> It would make my life complete.

BEN-LIN: <unfazed> Delightful. Please go on.

FARANELL: Yeah, fine. Hey. I’m Edwin. Most of you already know that. All of you, actually, so good use of time here. Don’t mind me, I’m just here for the LOL’s.

BEN-LIN: <blinks> Ah. I see.

She turns hesitantly and looks to Tirion.

And you, sir?

TIRION: Thank you, Lady Cloudstrider, many thanks indeed, both for your gracious greeting and for your generosity in offering up your valuable time – time very much in demand, I have no doubt, among your people – in arranging this gathering for the benefit of all here. And a great honor, and, indeed, blessing it is to find myself today amid this honored company, for as I look about the room I find my gaze met by the faces of many of the most esteemed of our respective peoples…

GARROSH: Oh man. He’s ON today…

TIRION: And so, in keeping with your request, noble Lady Cloudstrider, allow me to introduce myself. I am Tirion Fordring, Highlord of the Argent Crusade, Knight of the Silver Hand, master of Mardenholde Keep, bearer of the secred Ashbringer—

GARROSH: Murderer of Wills to Live…

TIRION: —and I find myself here today among you at the recommendation of my dear friend, the noble and sage orc Eitrigg, who suggested this gathering might prove valuable to me, both for my personal growth and likewise in allaying the oft-expressed concerns of some number of my Argent colleagues, such as the hallowed Confessor Palteress and my personal aide, the noble Miss Daria L’Rayne…

The door to the room opens, and Hamuul Runetotem leans in.

HAMUUL: Excuse me, is this the anger management seminar?

BEN-LIN: Indeed it is, my friend.

HAMUUUL: Ah, good. I hope I’m not interrupting anything.

GARROSH: Yes, you are, and thank goodness.

BEN-LIN: Please come in.

Hamuul steps into the room, holding the door open, and waves outside.

HAMUUL: Come on in, it’s the right place.

A nervous-looking Mylune enters.

BEN-LIN: <glancing down at a clipboard> Ah, you must be the two from Mount Hyjal.

HAMUUL: Yes. I’m Hamuul Runetotem, and this is my…colleague Mylune.

GARROSH: Oh man. Hide your kittens…

MYLUNE: <perks up> There are kittens?

GARROSH: Oh yeah, loads of them in the Cleft of Kittens.

MYLUNE: Ooh! Ooh! There’s a Cleft of Kittens? Where’s that?

GARROSH: Right at the southern end of the Valley of Ridiculous Hallucinations – it’s fucking ORGRIMMAR. What the hell do you think this is?

MYLUNE: <deflated> Oh. I thought there might be kittens…

HAMUUL: Perhaps just as well, given your recent…episode.

MYLUNE: <slumps her head and closes her eyes> I don’t know what you’re talking about.

HAMUUL: Mylune, we’ve already talked about your trying to block these things out.

MYLUNE: No no, I’m not blocking it out! Blocking what out? See? Happy face! Happy face! Oh, everything’s so wonderful and magical and whee! And…and…

She looks around quickly and grabs up a small scorpion that’s skittering along the ground.

And ooh, hello Mr. Scorpid, aren’t you a tought little prickly darling! <hugs the scorpion to her bosom> Auntie Luney sure is happy to see you! Yes she is! Yes she—oww! OWW! Dammit, that stings like HELL, you stupid pinchy ASSHOLE!

Mylune throws the scorpion viciously against the wall.

It wasn’t even that cute!

GARROSH: So… I take it that time in Mulgore wasn’t an isolated incident…?

HAMUUL: Not as such.

MYLUNE: Oh…oh no, no, no… I did it again! <sobbing> Why do I keep doing that? <putting her hands over her face as the sobbing continues>

HAMUUL: There there…

BEN-LIN: It is all right. You are among friends now.

GARROSH: Well let’s not get carried away.

MYLUNE: <rubbing one hand on her chest> That still kind of stings a little, actually…

BEN-LIN: We are here to help you. Have you had other moments like this recently?

MYLUNE: I…well…I was in Winterspring a few days ago…and there were these bunnies…and…and…

GARROSH: Not so much with the bunnies anymore, I’m guessing.

MYLUNE: I couldn’t help it! I just wanted to pet them, and… <rubs her chest again> Okay, you know what? I think that scorpion might have been venomous.

Hamuul sighs and starts casting healing spells on Mylune.

HAMUUL: Seriously? You have venomous scorpions just wandering around?

GARROSH: Hey, I don’t usually figure people are going to go around rubbing them on their boobs.

MOKVAR: Did you really have to give me that mental image?

GARROSH: I mean we usually don’t have people around here showing that level of stupid. And that’s even figuring how much time Dontrag and Utvoch spend here.

LOR’THEMAR: Who?

GARROSH: You’re better off not knowing.

LIADRIN: Really, sir.

BEN-LIN: Perhaps we should move on. <turns to Lor’themar> Let us turn to you now. You are…?

LOR’THEMAR: Ugh. See? SEE? THIS is EXACTLY what I’m talking about! I introduced myself to you not TEN MINUTES AGO! But does anyone remember something like that? NO! OF COURSE NOT!

LIADRIN: Sir, I think she was just asking you to—

LOR’THEMAR: Don’t defend her, Liadrin! People do this every damn day, and there’s always some excuse for them! Either that, or it’s just “Oh, okay. Lor’themar? Whatever.” YES, whatever. It’s LOR’THEMAR! LOR’THEMAR FUCKING THERON, Regent-Lord of Quel’Thalas! That’s who I am! Lor’themar! Do you hear me? All of you? LOR’THE-FUCKING-MAR! One of the only racial leaders on either side who hasn’t managed to make a complete cluster fuck of something yet, but does anyone remember? NO! NO THEY DON’T!

BEN-LIN: Well then. I was going to ask you why you are here, but I think you have already answered that. So let us move on. <turns to Garrosh> And you, sir?

GARROSH: Huh? Oh, yeah. <waves half-heartedly> So yeah, Garrosh Hellscream, Warchief of the Horde. Son of Grom, slayer of Alliance, writer of EPIC VERSE, eater of lemon squares, yadda yadda.

HAMUUL: Wait, he writes poetry?

MOKVAR: He’s actually surprisingly good at it.

BEN-LIN: And why have you come here today, my friend?

GARROSH: Humoring the orphan matron, pretty much. Didn’t we already cover this? She basically said I needed to attend this thing before she would sign off on this orphan I was looking into maybe adopting.

LIADRIN: Wait, what?

EITRIGG: Adopting?

HAMUUL: Oh spirits help us…

GARROSH: WHY does everybody fucking react like that every time I mention this? I talked about it on my blog, too, and all the commenters were like “Holy crap no!”

HAMUUL: Wait, he blogs, too?

FARANELL: <munching> I so should have brought some ale for this.

Tirion passes Faranell a flask.

Oh, hey, thanks.

EITRIGG: I thought we’d agreed you were going to hold off on the… <makes a drinking motion with his hand> …while we were here for the meeting.

TIRION: Surely, friend Eitrigg, you would not deny me a simple bracing beverage before an undertaking that calls upon my resolve.

EITRIGG: Now we both know the “liquid courage” excuse doesn’t hold here, Tirion.

GARROSH: So hold up, you mean Highlord Paragraph here likes to retreat into the bottle, and goes all angry drunk and shit?

EITRIGG: And sometimes ends up burning small animals as a result…

MYLUNE: He WHAT?!

TIRION: My fine and noble friend, I would remind you that the episode with the penguins was, in broad, strokes, an isolated incident, and—

MYLUNE: Penguins?!

BEN-LIN: Now you see, here we may have a fine instructive moment. While we may all have our moments of anger, it is when we allow that anger to manifest in actions that we risk unleashing the worst upon the loved ones around us…

MYLUNE: <fidgeting nervously and looking to Hamuul> Pen…penguins! What did he do to the penguins…?!

EITRIGG: Suffice to say it involved a cane.

BEN-LIN: And so, when you experience these moments, Tirion, you must remember to use your words.

GARROSH: Wait, seriously?

TIRION: Sage counsel indeed, good Lady Cloudstrider, and perhaps you are right, and I have been far too reticent…

GARROSH: Fucking hell, do you realize what you’re DOING, lady?

MYLUNE: He…he…he attacked the poor penguins with a cane?

EITRIGG: Far better than the kittens got…

TIRION: My dear Eitrigg, you know perfectly well that I take little pride in the unfortunate incident involving the, shall we say, premature feline incendiaries, and—

MYLUNE: Incendi— you burned kittens?!

GARROSH: Yeah, bet you’re glad we don’t have any here now, aren’t you? Not safe to have them around Captain Shortfuse Longwind here.

MYLUNE: <trembling with eyes growing large and dewy> Hamuul, did you hear that? He…he…the kittens…he…

Hamuul pulls a teddy bear out of his pack and dangles it in front of Mylune, who immediately snatches it up.

Oh oh oh what a cute cuddly fuzzy huggy tebby bear squee!

LOR’THEMAR: Wow she’s unstable…

GARROSH: Look in a mirror lately, blondie? Who are you to judge?

LOR’THEMAR: <jumping up and knocking his chair over> Who am I? WHO AM I? LOR’THEMAR THERON, that’s who! LOR’THE-FUCKING-MAR THERON!

LIADRIN: Sir, really, you should try to—

LOR’THEMAR: You stay out of this, Liadrin! I’ve HAD IT with this walking jaw with a gym card acting like he doesn’t fucking KNOW me!

GARROSH: I know you’ll snap in half nice and easy if you don’t figure out a way to ZIP it right quick, Hair-Care!

MYLUNE: <swaying from side to side while hugging the tebby bear> Oh don’t listen to them, Mr. Huggles, it’s okay, it’s okay! You just be all sweet and snuggly and don’t worry about the mean people!

LOR’THEMAR: Why don’t you MAKE me zip it! Or do you need damn BOMB to drop on me for that?!

GARROSH: I’ll SHOW you a fucking BOMB, Ponytail!

Garrosh lunges at Lor’themar and flings him violently against the wall. Lor’themar pulls himself up and tries to rush back at Garrosh, only to have Garrosh grab him and put him in a headlock. Mokvar and Liadrin pull at Garrosh’s arm to try to loosen his grip.

MOKVAR: Really, boss, not helping your own cause here…

GARROSH: Hope you weren’t too fond of that frigging OXYGEN, Lor’the-Whatever-the-Fuck-Your-Name-Is!

LOR’THEMAR: <wrenching himself out of Garrosh’s hold and swinging at him wildly> LOR’THEMAR! MY NAME IS LOR’THEMAR! SAY IT! SAY IT! SAY MY NAME, BITCH!

Mylune is still rocking back and forth, holding the tebby bear while trembling.

MYLUNE: Now now don’t you let them upset you, Mr. Huggles… <absently rips off one of the teddy bear’s ears> It’s okay…it’s all okay… They’re not mad at you, no no, they’re not… <rips off the bear’s other ear, sobbing> It’s all going to be okay someday, I promise, Huggles, Auntie Luney promises…!

FARANELL: <mouth half-full of popcorn> I love this meeting so much I want to marry it and have a family of little caucuses.

LOR’THEMAR: I’m SICK AND TIRED of being IGNORED by this damn GORILLA!

Mokvar and Liadrin try with mixed success to pull the two away from each other.

GARROSH: Don’t worry, metro, you’ll be getting PLENTY of attention while I’m smearing you all over the floor!

LOR’THEMAR: Stop holding him back! I’m not scared of him! I can take him! Unless maybe he’s POISONED his DAMN AXE again!

GARROSH: OH you will DIE EXTRA SLOW for—

Tirion jumps Garrosh and Lor’themar and pushes them away from each other. He looks back and forth sternly.

TIRION: Gentlemen, please! Surely no one can benefit from our turning on each other in such a way. Now then… <looks back and forth between Garrosh and Lor’themar again> Let’s have a drink. And calm down.

EITRIGG: <sighs> Tirion…

BEN-LIN: It occurs to me that perhaps our goals would be better served by a few one-on-one sessions before we attempt to discuss our issues in a group…

Mylune suddenly grabs Ben-Lin from behind and hugs her back against herself.

MYLUNE: Ohhhh has anyone ever told you you’re like a big giant warm fuzzy snuggly teddy bear yourself, Miss Cloudy-bear?

BEN-LIN: <looking around somewhat panicked, but cearly trying to maintain her composure> So…with that in mind…let us adjourn for the day. I will be in touch with each of you to arrange individual meetings. We…we have much work to do…

LIADRIN: Come on, sir, let’s just go back to Silvermoon…

Liadrin drags Lor’themar out of the room. The others begin to make their way out as well, except for Mylune, who continues hugging Ben-Lin.

MYLUNE: So huggly and cuddly and so so adorable! I could just squeeze you all day, little bear!

Faranell gets up and walks over to Ben-Lin and Mylune on his way toward the door.

FARANELL: So, I’m going to give you my contact info… Please, please tell me if there are any more of these meetings. I will buy a ticket if I need to.

This has got to be some kind of a hazing thing. Or Battlewail is doing some kind of weird trial to test my resolve, to see just how serious I am about the Gurtash thing.

Gotta tell you, though, if I have to go hang out with that crew again, I’m not sure I like even that kid enough…

More soon.

[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]

9 Comments »

Ragequitters never win

Posted in Transcripts with tags dontrag, earth online, faranell, gaming, garona, guild chat, guilds, gurtash, jaina proudmoore, ji firepaw, kalecgos, mokvar, oblique references, pandaren, sylvanas, utvoch, WoW on December 5, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

You have logged on.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well that’s the problem with arcane, though.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] for me anyway.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] how you u mean?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi pwn

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey, boss.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey everyone

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well basically it’s just that since the magic isn’t strictly -alive-, it doesn’t read tone very well.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] ?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] hi pwn

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] so i have to be careful what i say, because the magic tends to take sarcasm literally.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] well i mean, why wouldnt it?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What did I just walk in on?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Or do I not want to know?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] This one is pretty harmless.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Edwin and Jaina are deep into magic shop talk.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ah

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] how are you doing, pwn?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well i tend to rely pretty heavily on sarcasm in my day-to-day communication.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Doing okay, gayle

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] hello omgipwnedurface.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yeah, pretty much any time he says something, you want to picture him rolling his eyes

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] good to see you as always.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] see, case in point.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] oh lol

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] well that might be hard since i dont know what u look like

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] probably just as well.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] i haven’t aged well.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] lol its ok i like older guys =)

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh i remember that phase

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] HEY NOW

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] NO FLIRTING WITH OTHER MEN!

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] lol dont worry sweetie

[Lorthemar] has logged on.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi lorthemar

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] JUST KIDDING

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] I KNOW YOU’RE NOT LIKE THAT LOL

[Guild][Lorthemar] Greetings, all.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Wow…you know, part of me wants to make a Jaina joke there

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] but mostly I’m just thinking…that poor dragon

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey, Lorthemar.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] hi lor

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] I still say scalies just creep me out.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] are you new in the guild?

[Guild][Lorthemar] No.

[Guild][Lorthemar] sigh

[Guild][Lorthemar] Why does everyone keep asking me that? I’ve been in the guild for months.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] oh ok

[Guild][Lorthemar] I don’t understand why people can’t remember who I am.

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has earned the achievement [Q’est-ce Que C’est]

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has earned the achievement [United Nations]!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] grats BQ!

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] grats

[Guild][Lorthemar] Congratulations!

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Thank you, all. ^_^

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Wait, you got the United Nations achievement?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] unless the game ui is trying to pull a fast one on you.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Indeed!

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Exalted with EVERY national faction? HOW?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Admittedly, that last rep grind was particularly onerous.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Which one?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] France.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh geez yeah

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] The French don’t like anybody

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Not so; they’re quite fond of me now.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh actually, let me take care of this while I’m thinking of it

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] What’s that?

[EdwardBear | Ji] has joined the guild.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] welcome!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] welcome ed

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Who’s this now?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ji Firepaw

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He overheard me talking about the game with Spazzle a couple days ago and got curious

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Ah…well this should be entertaining.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] How are the new pandaren recruits working out so far, Warchief?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Eh…sort of a mixed bag

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] They mean well, but…I don’t know. We’ll see

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] brb

[Guild][Lorthemar] Welcome to the guild!

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] So I’m guessing he’s REALLY newbish.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, he’s going to be pretty green

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Speaking of which

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] he seems quiet.

[GilbertRose | Dontrag] has logged on.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi gil

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Edward, type /g to talk in guild chat

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Hello, Utvoch.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] can you see this?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ah there we are

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] no this is dontrag

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Welcome aboard, Ed.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Greetings, Edward.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Is this your first time logging onto Earth Online in general?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] And, are you sure, Utvoch? I could swear you were Utvoch, Dontrag.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] no, i logged on for a little while last night

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] it looks fun

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] yes i’m sure

[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh, so this is your first Earth Online character?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] we’ve talked about this before

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] yes

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well if you’re so sure about it, I don’t see why we would have had to discuss it repeatedly.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] But if you insist, I suppose I’ll take your word on being Dontrag, Utvoch.

[Guild][Lorthemar] A double welcome to you, then!

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] thank you

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] ok good

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] are you new too?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You really love messing with him, don’t you?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Why yes. Yes I do.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Whichever one of them he actually is.

[Guild][Lorthemar] sigh

[Guild][Lorthemar] No, I’m not.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Can you blame me, really?

[Guild][Lorthemar] I’m not new.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] are you sure your not new lor?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] i dont think i’ve seen you on before

[Guild][Lorthemar] Yes I’m sure.

[Guild][Lorthemar] I’m not new, for the hundredth time.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well of course you’re not new for the hundredth time. that wouldn’t be new.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] you can only be new once.

[Guild][Lorthemar] …

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] what class are you playing ed?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Just say the word if you need any help with anything, Edward.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] I know some things can be a little confusing at first.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] a farmer

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Hmm, I’ve never played one of those.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they don’t really sound too exciting to play

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh hey, I’ve got my Refer-a-Friend pet now

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] What kind?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You should have gotten one too, Edward

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] A dog

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] don’t you already have one?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] how do i get it?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, but the RAF is a random draw from a bunch of breeds

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] There are a lot of different breeds.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] You already have it, Edward.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So for instance, this one I just got is a cocker spaniel

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] If you go to the bottom of your screen, you can open your pet catalog.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] omg i love the new pet sparring!

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ok

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] oh there it is

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] what kind did you get?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] how can i see the details?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Right click on it.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] anyway we should get going, we have lunch plans

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] bye leslie

[Guild][Lorthemar] Eat well!

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] BYE EVERYONE

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] byeeeee

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ok i think i see it now

[Proudleslie | Jaina] has logged off.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] What’s the verdict?

[HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] has logged off.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] it says it’s called a poodle

[Guild][Lorthemar] You can name it, too, if you want to.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Those are those fru-fru looking dogs, right?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they’re supposed to be smart

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] how do i do that?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] you mean they make good spellcasters? or the coders gave them a slightly less nonsensical AI?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Right click again, then pick “rename.”

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ok

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] thank you

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] No problem.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] By the way, Garrosh, did you ever end up talking to the orphanage about Gurtash?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, I put out a few feelers

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Gurtash is that orphan boy who’s been helping take care of the Warchief’s wyvern?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Garrosh was thinking of maybe seeing about adopting him.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ok done

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] done what?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That’s…that’s remarkable.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Right now Battlewail has me in a holding pattern. Something about questions about my temperament

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i named the pet

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh nice

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] A preposterous dispersion against your character, Warchief.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So there’s some meeting they want me to go to with Social Services later this week

[SteveKravitz | Utvoch] has logged on.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi steve

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] hey

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hang on…we have a Department of Social Services?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Who knew, right?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That -had- to have been a Thrall program.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah, I mean…where the hell have THEY been?

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] hi guys

[Guild][Lorthemar] So what did you end up naming the pet, Edward?

[Guild][Lorthemar] Greetings, Steve!

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i named her winnie

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, I know

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] sup man

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Not sure what the deal is with the meeting, but I guess some of the pandas are involved somehow

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] after my aunt, jae win

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] she had similarly poofy hair

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] not too much

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, not too clear about any more than that

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh actually

[Guild][Lorthemar] That works.

[Guild][Lorthemar] Winnie the poodle has a certain ring to it.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] thanks

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh hey who’s the new guy?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey Ji, quick question

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i just joined the guild today

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] nice to meet you

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] no not you

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] yes warchief? i mean guildmaster

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i meant the other new guy

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] lorthemar

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You might know something about this

[Guild][Lorthemar] ugh

[Guild][Lorthemar] Okay, SERIOUSLY

[Guild][Lorthemar] Enough is enough already.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] ?

[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh sure, “?” at me

[Guild][Lorthemar] Well I’ll see your “?” and raise you a “!!!”

[Guild][Lorthemar] Because I’m SICK AND TIRED of nobody around here ever knowing WHO THE HELL I AM

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Um, what’s this guy’s damage?

[Guild][Lorthemar] So I’m going to explain this ONE MORE TIME

[Guild][Lorthemar] SO GRAB A DAMN CRAYON TO WRITE IT DOWN THIS TIME

[Guild][Lorthemar] I

[Guild][Lorthemar] AM NOT

[Guild][Lorthemar] NEW

[Guild][Lorthemar] Is that CLEAR enough for you IDIOTS?

[Guild][Lorthemar] I HAVE BEEN IN THIS GODDAMN GUILD FOR MONTHS

[Guild][Lorthemar] I CAN REMEMBER BEING ONLINE WHEN HALF YOU OTHER PEOPLE JOINED

[Guild][Lorthemar] I’M NOT A RECRUIT, I’M NOT SOMEBODY’S COUSIN

[Guild][Lorthemar] I AM LOR’THEMAR THERON, DAMMIT!

[Guild][Lorthemar] REGENT LORD OF QUEL’THALAS

[Guild][Lorthemar] It NOT HARD to remember that part

[Guild][Lorthemar] LOOK

[Guild][Lorthemar] <–

[Guild][Lorthemar] SEE HOW THAT WORKS, YOU MOUTHBREATHING IDIOTS?

[Guild][Lorthemar] “Lorthemar”…IS LOR’THEMAR

[Guild][Lorthemar] THAT’S ME

[Guild][Lorthemar] LOR’THEMAR FUCKING THERON

[Guild][Lorthemar] RULER OF THE BLOOD ELVES

[Guild][Lorthemar] ME

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] oh hi, lorthemar. welcome to the guild.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] did you just join?

[Guild][Lorthemar] sdfghliuhurtyhweuirthlidrhglsdajghfljksdhg

[Guild][Lorthemar] THAT DOES IT THE HELL WITH YOU ALL

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] um no prof he just said he’s been in the guild a while

[Lorthemar] has logged off.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well what crawled up his ass?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He’s a blood elf. Who knows

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] um

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] people don’t usually get that upset about this game, do they?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Um, well…

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] your naivete is adorable.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Quick pointer, Ji…don’t queue for any battlegrounds.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] or dungeons

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Or pay attention to trade chat when you’re in the major cities.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] and while you’re at it you might just want to uninstall the whole game right now and cancel your internet service.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] oh. um.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i guess i’ll go back to leveling

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Where in the world are you?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] orgrimmar

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] No, I mean, where in the game?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] But like I was starting to say like ten minutes ago

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i just got sent to a region called siberia

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Do you know anything about these meetings your panda friends are working on for Social Services, Ji?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] a little bit, yes sir

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] the orphan matron suggested i arrange for some of my people to help

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] since pandaren culture places great value on being centered and grounded emotionally

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, you guys do seem very even keel

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] we try to be, yes sir

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] so a few of my people are helping hold some sessions on some of our methods and principles

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] particularly for controlling anger

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] …

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So ANOTHER one basically telling me I have a temper?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] see i TOLD you you needed to work on not being angry all the time

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] YOU stay out of this

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] oh hey

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well clearly i’m not the only one thinking it!

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Clearly a sign of their failure to appreciate the pressures and stresses that come with the laudable work you do day in and day out.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] When you’re not playing video games or blogging.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i was going around fighting a few things for xp, when these mobster npcs attacked me and ran off

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] and now i have things missing from my inventory

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh those russian mob guys are nasty

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] You said you were in Siberia?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, so I think I need to go do some checking on this

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’ll be back

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] yes

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah, you have to watch for that.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] In Soviet Russia, mobs farm you.

You have logged off.

5 Comments »

Invasion incoming

Posted in Transcripts with tags dontrag, eitrigg, hozen, irritation, jinyu, krog, malkorok, mokvar, nazgrim, pandaria, rak'gor bloodrazor, sha, stupidity, utvoch, vol'jin, WoW on December 3, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

In light of the reports coming in from both Nazgrim and Krog from Pandaria, I decided we need to step up preparations for a full-scale military operation there. Nazgrim’s been holding his own reasonably well under the circumstances…well, he WAS until this last report, anyway, and then…well, you know. Point is, he’s been trying to keep it together down there, but it’s about time we gave our general an honest-to-goodness army to work with.

So, earlier today I held a strategy session to make plans to send a full invasion force to Pandaria. We had the usual suspects there — Eitrigg, Malkorok, Mokvar to take notes. Malkorok had his lieutenant Rak’gor Bloodrazor sit in for the planning. Plus…an extra unexpected attendee, who…well, you’ll see.

Cut to the transcript.

GARROSH: First, a status update. The latest from Nazgrim is that he and his people are licking their wounds from a major battle with the Alliance forces down there. They’ve moved from the Jade Forest to a town in the northern mountains while they recover. Most of them, anyway.

EITRIGG: Are Nazgrim and his team all right?

GARROSH: Scratched up but still kicking, from what I gather. Always hard to tell with Nazgrim — he’ll never let on if he’s really hurt. You know him.

MALKOROK: I assume our forces were victorious against the Alliance dogs, as they’re alive to tell the tale?

GARROSH: Not so much. The battle was basically a stalemate.

MALKOROK: You mean to say, Warchief, that that fool Nazgrim failed not only to defeat a depleted Alliance force, but even to go down fighting like an orc? And now he has the audacity to report this disgrace from the comfort of some remote bed while he nurses his wounds like a human?

EITRIGG: Considering what Nazgrim seems to have had to work with…

MALKOROK: And now you defend his incompetence, old man?

GARROSH: Well hey, look, Malkorok. Believe me, I’m all for being tough on the troops and all that, but to be fair, Nazgrim DID lose most of his actual Horde soldiers in the crash of the Hellscream’s Fist.

MALKOROK: And proceeded to offset those losses by recruiting from among the locals, did he not?

GARROSH: Yeah, but look at the locals. I mean, dude, you know how I’m always saying it’s like I’ve got a bunch of trained monkeys working for me? <scans around the room> No offense. But yeah, Nazgrim? LITERALLY had a bunch of trained monkeys to work with.

MALKOROK: What about the Alliance?

GARROSH: What about them?

MALKOROK: The Alliance reportedly took heavy losses and drew support from the natives as well. Who did they have fighting for them?

EITRIGG: <scanning notes> I think Krog included something about this in one of his reports…

GARROSH: Something with a “J,” I think.

MOKVAR: Jinyu.

GARROSH: Yeah, that’s it, jinyu.

MOKVAR: <paging through reports> Which…from the way Krog describes them…would be a race of…sort of…king-size murlocs.

GARROSH: <blinks, then rubs forehead> …The FUCK is Nazgrim doing down there?

MALKOROK: You see?

EITRIGG: Do we know anything else about the battle with the Alliance? I will grant, it doesn’t sound like Nazgrim to flee the battlefield…

GARROSH: Nazgrim’s report was pretty sketchy on the details there. I’ve gotten some extra intel from Krog to fill it out some, though. Looks like the battle between Nazgrim’s monkeys and the Alliance fish men…

Garrosh trails off, then stares into the distance for a moment.

EITRIGG: Warchief?

MOKVAR: Garrosh?

Garrosh shakes his head and pulls his attention back.

GARROSH: Yeah. Sorry. I just heard myself saying that last part and had to take a minute to be sad. Where was I?

MOKVAR: Monkeys versus fish men.

GARROSH: Yeah. Monkeys versus fish men. So according to— I mean seriously, doesn’t that sound like a bad videogame or something?

MOKVAR: Just watch, if Spazzle isn’t coding that already, he will as soon as he reads this.

GARROSH: I know, right?

EITRIGG: Warchief…focus, please.

GARROSH: Yeah, yeah, okay… So… <sighs> …monkeys versus fish men. Which I guess took place at the foot of this huge statue in a place called Serpent’s Heart. From what I can gather, the battle was pretty even, which is kind of depressing in itself, considering, when it was broken up by the arrival of this giant black monster. Which basically wiped out both sides and left the survivors fucked up and scattrered.

MALKOROK: What kind of monster could take out both armies?

GARROSH: From what Krog reported, it…

Vol’jin enters.

Hang on. What are YOU doing here, troll?

VOL’JIN: I heard dere was a meetin’ going’ on, mon. I figured mah invitation musta got lost in da mail.

GARROSH: Uh, yeah, as if I would have sent YOU an invitation for these planning sessions…

VOL’JIN: Ya see now, mon? Ya be tinkin’ a me as such a good friend, I don’ even be needin’ an invitation! Dat’s why everybody loves ya, mon.

GARROSH: <rubbing forehead> What. Do you WANT. Vol’jin?

VOL’JIN: I hear ya be plannin’ an invasion in Pandaria, mon, and I be here ta keep an eye on what ya be doin’.

GARROSH: Keep an eye on me? I don’t answer to you, troll, nor do I have to EXPLAIN myself to you, so if you’re here to make life difficult, you can just head back to your island now.

VOL’JIN: I be da leader of da Darkspear, mon, an’ I got a right ta know what da Horde be doin’.

MALKOROK: You know I can easily take care of—

GARROSH: Not now, Malkorok. <grumbles> Fine. You can sit in, Vol’jin. TRY not to make yourself into too much of a toothache.

VOL’JIN: Oh don’cha be worryin’ ’bout me, mon. Ya won’t even know I be here. It’ll be like I be invisible.

Garrosh stares at Vol’jin for a long moment, then exchanges several pensive glances with Eitrigg and Mokvar. He looks back to Vol’jin again and eyes him for another moment.

GARROSH: Okay, well—

VOL’JIN: Like da Lich King’s horse!

GARROSH: Just SIT DOWN and SHUT UP, Vol’jin.

VOL’JIN: Sure, mon.

Vol’jin takes a seat at the conference table next to Malkorok. Malkorok glances at him and sneers; Vol’jin answers with an exaggerated grin.

GARROSH: So as I was saying, like an hour ago…about the creature at Serpent’s Heart. Apparently it was something the pandas call a “sha” — sort of a demon that feeds off of powerful emotions.

VOL’JIN: <eyes narrow> You don’ say, mon…

MALKOROK: Hmm…interesting… I wonder if our warlocks could influence these sha. If they’re strong enough to take down two armies, they could be a powerful resource if harnessed…

VOL’JIN: Dat be some bad mojo ya talkin’ ’bout, mon.

MALKOROK: I thought you were going to be quiet, troll.

MOKVAR: He’s right, though — these sha don’t sound like something we want to risk meddling with.

EITRIGG: As it stands, I’m already troubled enough by some reports I’ve seen of demonic summoning by some of the initial fleet…

MOKVAR: Wait, seriously?

MALKOROK: You two would have our warlocks not avail themselves of all the power at their disposal for the benefit of the Horde?

MOKVAR: Didn’t “our warlocks” get themselves into enough trouble already “availing” themselves of demonic power?

MALKOROK: Yes, let’s have the scribe lecture us on the proper conduct of warlocks.

MOKVAR: I used to be a warlock.

MALKOROK: Oh, that’s right, you were, weren’t you? Then by all means continue, scribe. Tell us more about the evils of seeking power through demonology.

Mokvar looks back to his notes awkwardly.

GARROSH: Look, the fact is, Nazgrim doesn’t have the people or the resources to establish a strong Horde presence in Pandaria or prevent the Alliance from doing the same. I already have ships being prepared for a large-scale incursion. The southern coast of Pandaria has a few locations that sound like they’d be well-suited for a base. We can scout a specific spot while we finish gathering troops and equipment for the trip.

EITRIGG: Grizzle Gearslip of the Bilgewater goblins says the construction team should have siege engines ready within a week or so.

GARROSH: Well tell me this — when he says “a week or so,” does he mean a WEEK OR SO “week or so,” or is this a maybe-in-your-lifetime “week or so” like when those goblins “week or so”-ed their estimate on rebuilding the Orgrimmar ramparts after the Cataclysm? Which they STILL haven’t finished two years later, by the way.

VOL’JIN: So we be doin’ dis, eh mon? Bringin’ da war to dis new land?

MALKOROK: The war has already been brought, troll. We now bring only victory.

GARROSH: Once the equipment and siege engines are ready, it’s just a matter of lining up troop deployments.

MALKOROK: Most able-bodied adults not otherwise committed to important duties have been conscripted for service, Warchief. Rak’gor and I are in the process of assigning veteran supervisors to the new trainee program as well.

EITRIGG: What trainee program is this? I haven’t heard anything about it.

MALKOROK: Nor would you. It’s a Kor’kron program.

EITRIGG: I didn’t realize the Kor’kron operated in secret now. Has Saurfang adopted some new policy?

MALKOROK: <visibly annoyed> The program…is for recruiting and training of orcish youth for service to the Horde, as per the Warchief’d edict after the Northwatch Hold…events.

EITRIGG: Orcish youth? What age do you mean?

MALKOROK: I shouldn’t need to tell you the traditional age of passage, old man. Fourteen — the age a youth is fit to take a blade for the honor of his clan.

VOL’JIN: By da spirits, mon, dey be children!

MALKOROK: A boy is a man the day he can slay a foe in defense of home and kin, troll. I wouldn’t expect you to understand such things.

VOL’JIN: Yah, mon, I really don’ get out much. Ya know, I don’ get invited to da cool kid parties.

GARROSH: Can’t imagine why.

MALKOROK: Nevertheless…don’t make it out as if the trainees are being handed swords and pushed blindly onto a battlefield — they are being trained and guided by some of our finest warriors. If anything, this is an honor.

GARROSH: Fourteen, though, huh? I thought it was fifteen.

MALKOROK: No, Warchief, fourteen.

GARROSH: Are you certain? I’m pretty sure it was always fifteen back in Nagrand.

MALKOROK: No, sir. I suppose that might have been a regional difference?

GARROSH: Huh, okay. Fourteen, then.

VOL’JIN: I don’ be likin’ da sound a dis, mon. Not one bit a it. Draggin’ our war into other people’s lands, roundin’ up children ta make inta soldiers…

GARROSH: Well imagine my surprise, Vol’jin. Imagine my complete and total SHOCK to see YOU griping and complaining about what I’m doing. You know, I might actually LISTEN to some of these objections of yours if you didn’t object to EVERY SINGLE THING I do.

VOL’JIN: Maybe if ya listened once in a while before ya did dese tings, mon, ya wouldn’t have to listen to people complainin’ after ya did ’em.

MALKOROK: I don’t hear anyone complaining except for you, troll. Other than that simpering tauren you usually have leading you by the nose. I’m half surprised he’s not here as well.

VOL’JIN: I drew da short straw, mon.

GARROSH: All right, enough of this. Both of you quiet down. It’s settled — we’re moving ahead with the Pandaria plan and getting ready for a departure within the next few weeks. And TROLL, get this into your head: this is happening. And I have no intention of listening to you bellyache every step of the way.

VOL’JIN: Don’cha worry ’bout dat, mon. If dere be one ting I know by now, it’s dat you ain’t gonna listen.

GARROSH: Damn right. You’re finally getting it. Okay then… I think that covers everything. I have another meeting I need to get to in the Drag in a few. For now, let’s get things rolling gathering materials and finalizing troop assignments for the invasion. Oh, and Eitrigg?

EITRIGG: Yes, sir?

GARROSH: When we compile the final roster, for the love of the spirits, make sure Dontrag and Utvoch aren’t on the list.

EITRIGG: Yes, sir.

GARROSH: There are going to be enough potential headaches as it is on this mission — the last thing I’m going to need it THOSE two yammering in my ear.

VOL’JIN: Oh, hey, mon…

GARROSH: Oh for fuck’s sake… What now?

VOL’JIN: You talkin’ bout dem two orcs who got to Orgrimmar late after da Theramore raid?

GARROSH: Yeah, you know them?

VOL’JIN: Yah, mon, dey came by da Echo Isles after dat. Dey was getting deyselves all confused, mon.

GARROSH: “Confused” has a short ramp-up time for them.

VOL’JIN: No, but listen, mon — dey was like, “It be de Echo Isles, right? Den how come we can’t hear an echo when we talk?” An’ dey kep’ tryin’ ta yell stuff into da air to see if dey could get an echo!

GARROSH: <chortles> Oh…dude…that’s like the time I was saying something to them about Razorfen Kraul, and they were like, “So do all the quillboar there crawl? We thought they knew how to walk upright. Is it some kind of a rule there?”

VOL’JIN: <laughing> Ya better not let dem go to da Howling Fjord, mon, dey might tink dey’re losing dey hearing ’cause dey don’ hear da howling!

GARROSH: <chuckling> Well hell, you should have seen them the first time they saw Thousand Needles. “Are you sure it’s a thousand of them? I only counted like 60. Did we miss some?”

VOL’JIN: <laughs more> You shoulda told ’em we switched to da metric system, mon.

Garrosh guffaws, leaning against the table. Vol’jin laughs heartily as well and wipes a tear from one eye. After another moment spent laughing, Garrosh and Vol’jin look up at each other and both of their faces fade into uneasy expressions.

GARROSH: <scowls> Fucking troll.

VOL’JIN: <aside, muttering> Don’ blame me, mon, I voted for da basic campfire…

Garrosh and Vol’jin both get up and stomp out of the room in opposite directions.

2 Comments »

Encore

Posted in Transcripts with tags bastion of twilight, cho'gall, garona, gul'dan, karazhan, medivh, opera house, WoW on November 3, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

The Karazhan Opera House curtain rises. As a drum beat begins, Garona dances at center stage, surrounded by Gul’dan, Medivh, and Cho’gall.

{MY GARONA}

GUL’DAN:

Oh my little stabby one, stabby one,
Come along and look in my eye’s corona.
Now my binding spell is spun, won’t be undone:
Fight it if you want, but you’re mine, Garona.
Never going free,
Barely sane,
Such an angry mind,
You’re gonna kill King Llane,
Take the blame,
Just as I designed –
You’re my, my, my-y-y, woo!
M-m-m-my Garona!

MEDIVH:

Come on down to Karazhan, for Gul’dan;
Soon you’ll have your Emissary persona.
While Sargeras pulls my strings, plotting things,
Something in you draws you to me, Garona.
Never holding back,
Love takes wing,
Fight it if you can;
You always had a thing
For a fling
With an older man –
You’re my, my, my-y-y, woo!
M-m-m-my Garona!
M-m-m-my Garona!

CHO’GALL:

When you gonna come at me? Let me see.
Stop your hiding out by that ghost Karoma.
Twilight Bastion destiny, better flee.
If you get too close then you’re toast, Garona.
Sneaking up the hills,
Fight and scrap,
Take the bait, go on;
You’re yelling “Holy crap!
It’s a trap!”
Gotta fight a gronn –
My, my, my-y-y, woo!
M-m-m-my, my, my-y-y, woo!
M-m-m-my Garona!
M-m-m-my Garona!
M-m-m-my Garona!
M-m-m-my Garona!

GUL’DAN, MEDIVH, and CHO’GALL:

Ohhh, my Garona!
Ohhh, my Garona!
Ohhh, my Garona!

The audience bursts into applause; Garona, beaming, steps forward and opens her mouth as if to speak or sing. The curtain closes in front of her.

4 Comments »

The Wizard of Zhan, Act 3

Posted in Transcripts with tags barnes, berthold, dontrag, doomstone, faranell, focusing iris, garona, gorehowl, karazhan, liadrin, magatha, medivh, mokvar, mortimer, oblique references, opera house, prince malchezaar, stupidity, utvoch, WoW, wyvern, zhi-zhi on November 1, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

The curtain rises on the exterior of Karazhan. Garrosh et al approach the front gate.

GARROSH: Okay, so this is the place…

FARANELL: Weren’t we just here not too long ago?

Garrosh knocks on the door. A window on the door slides open, and Berhold the doorman sticks his head out.

BERTHOLD: Who goes there? What business do you have at the master’s Dark Tower?

GARROSH: We’ve come to see the Wizard.

DONTRAG: The guardian Wizard of Zhan!

UTVOCH: We hear he’s sage—

Garrosh smacks Utvoch.

GARROSH: Now don’t you get started with that shit again!

BERTHOLD: The Wizard? You can’t see the Wizard! No one sees the Wizard!

GARONA: Here’s where I grease the wheels… You remember me, don’t you, Berthold?

BERTHOLD: <leans out a bit more, squinting> Hmm, well…oh…oh goodness…lady Garona? Is it really you?

GARONA: It’s good to see you again, Berthold. Could you please go in and tell the Wizard it’s me?

BERTHOLD: Well, um, of course, m’lady. I’ll just be a moment.

Berthold disappears inside and the window closes.

GARONA: <grinning smugly> See? Now we just wait a minute or two, and then they’ll roll out the welcome mat.

GARROSH: How do you know this guy, anyway?

GARONA: I guess you could say we had sort of a thing back in the day.

GARROSH: Suddenly this Wizard’s judgment is seeming a little suspect.

GARONA: What’s that supposed to mean?

Just in front of the door, a heavy portcullis suddenly comes crashing down.

FARANELL: Um, unless welcome mats have been radically redesigned lately…

GARONA: Hang on.

Garona raps on the door angrily. The window opens and Berthold looks out again.

BERTHOLD: Yes?

GARONA: Didn’t you tell him it was me?

BERTHOLD: Yes!

Berthold slams the window shut.

GARONA: Well I…I…

GARROSH: Okay, so I stand corrected on this Wizard guy.

MOKVAR: Well now we have a minor problem about getting in to see him.

GARROSH: Anyone else have any bright ideas?

FARANELL: Garrosh, let me see that Focusing Iris?

GARROSH: You’re not going to try to blow up the gate and get us all killed or something, are you?

FARANELL: Not all of us.

MOKVAR: Reassuring.

FARANELL: But really, let me see it. I think I know how to appeal to him.

GARROSH: <handing the Focusing Iris to Faranell> You think you can get us in, run with it, man.

Faranell knocks on the door; the window opens, and Berthold looks out.

BERTHOLD: Are you all still here?

FARANELL: Yeah, so listen—

BERTHOLD: Good heavens, what happened to you? You look like death warmed over!

FARANELL: Yeah, yeah, I’m undead. So anyway—

BERTHOLD: Undead? That must be a horrible fate.

FARANELL: Yeah, well, take a good long look at the future, smart guy. Are you done interrupting me now? Yeah? Good. So, check this out. I know your boss isn’t in much of a hurry to be reunited with little miss sunshine over here, but I think he’d be very interested in getting a peek at this.

Faranell holds up the Focusing Iris.

You go on back inside and tell him that the bearer of the Focusing Iris is here, and might be persuaded to let him check out the number one item on every magic user’s Winter’s Veil list, okay?

BERTHOLD: Huh…if you say so, sir…

Berthold disappears inside.

MOKVAR: You think he’s going to go for it?

FARANELL: Trust me, I know how to appeal to another mage.

GARROSH: Let’s hope.

Accompanied by the sound of rattling chains, the portcullis rises back up, and the door swings open.

FARANELL: And there we go.

GARROSH: Nice job, Doc. Now we’re in business. Let’s go finish this…

The group walks through the gate.

Blackout. Garrosh and the others enter a large chamber filled with relics, vials, and other magic paraphernalia. Tapestries and ornate curtains decorate those portions of the walls not covered with tall bookshelves.

GARROSH: Huh… Well this looks like the kind of place a wizard would hang out, but where is he?

A booming voice echoes through the room.

VOICE: You have come to seek an audience with the great and powerful Wizard of Zhan?

GARONA: Oh boy, here he goes.

GARROSH: <looking around> Uh, yeah, we do, if he can bother dragging his butt out here so we can actually see him.

VOICE: You dare presume to speak to the great Wizard with such familiarity, mortal? You shall count yourself fortunate that the Wizard does not smite you where you stand!

UTVOCH: Wait, he’s a priest? I thought he was a mage.

MOKVAR: Is he always like this?

GARONA: Oh you have no idea. All the time with the talking about himself in the third person.

In the middle of the room, a towering, semi-transparent avatar of Medivh appears.

MEDIVH: The Wizard of Zhan has been informed that one among you carries the storied Focusing Iris! It is for this reason alone that you have been permitted into this sanctified chamber!

GARONA: Oh, and there he is, finally. And thank you, dear, for that very warm welcome.

MEDIVH: <looks at Garona> Oh. Delightful.

GARONA: Oh, really? You want to know what else is delightful? Being a single mom trying to give her son a good life when the kid’s high-and-mighty richer-than-Aman’thul dad for some reason can’t be bothered to mail off a child support payment!

MEDIVH: The great and powerful Wizard of Zhan does not have time to trifle with these petty—

GARONA: Oh, sure, when it’s something I want to talk about…

GARROSH: So listen, Your Wizardry, we have the Focusing Iris—

MEDIVH: Indeed, hence you are here in my chamber, and not cast out to the ogres! I will be most interested to examine the relic, and—

GARROSH: Yeah, well, here’s the thing, chief – before we let you go poking around with the shiny, we have a few things of our own that we could use a hand with.

MEDIVH: You dare dictate terms to the great and mighty Wizard!

GARONA: Oh man, he’s really in form today…

FARANELL: If you’d rather not be bothered we can just be along our way.

MEDIVH: <chuckles> You mortals have daring, I’ll grant you that much.

Medivh looks around the group, eyeing them carefully.

I will hear your requests.

GARONA: Hold the presses, he just called himself “I.”

MEDIVH: And you would do well to still her tongue.

GARROSH: Been working on that for months, chief. No luck so far.

MEDIVH: At any rate – present your entreaties, but remember the Wizard makes no promises.

GARROSH: We each have something we’re after, Wiz. In my case, I’m trying to find a way to summon Prince Malchezaar down from the Netherspace, so I can put him in the ground before the Burning Legion can pull him out of mothballs to stir up trouble for my people.

MEDIVH: Ah, yes, the irksome demon who’s tucked himself away in the upper levels. You intrigue me, mortal; I must say it would be no small pleasure to have that particular infestation removed from this place…

GARROSH: Okay, so far so good. Meanwhile…well…the rest of the requests are a little more personalized.

DONTRAG: Shall we present our case to the great and metallurgical Wizard, sir, and—

GARROSH: <smacking Dontrag> For spirits’ sake, no.

MOKVAR: Dontrag and Utvoch here would like some brains.

UTVOCH: Indeed, sir!

DONTRAG: <rubbing his head> So as not to have our current ones beaten out quite so often, sir.

GARROSH: And for real, anything you could do on that count, I mean, I can’t possibly overstate how much of a quality of life improvement that could be for everyone involved.

MOKVAR: As for the rest of us… A heart for me.

GARROSH: Because apparently he’s still moping over his ex-wife or something.

GARONA: Could you be any more insensitive?

FARANELL: And some guts for me.

UTVOCH: I still don’t really think you need—

MEDIVH: Enough of your insipid prattling, insects!

GARROSH: Yelling doesn’t do much good with this crowd, Wiz. Don’t think I haven’t tried.

MEDIVH: The great and powerful Wizard of Zhan has heard your requests, and in light of the possibility of studying the Focusing Iris, has deemed them acceptable.

GARROSH: Awesome, Wiz.

FARANELL: See, I told you the Iris was our ticket in.

MOKVAR: So is there a spell or an incantation you have to do on us, or…?

MEDIVH: Silence, mortals! I have not yet finished! I will grant your requests, but first I require you to perform a task on my behalf!

MOKVAR: Uh oh.

DONTRAG: I knew there was going to be a catch…

MOKVAR: We’re going to have to kill something, aren’t we?

GARROSH: So hang on, when you say we have to do a task for you, is this a for real task, or one of those busywork kind of tasks, because you’re talking to an old pro at doling out those…

FARANELL: Personally I think the whole getting-to-work-on-the-Iris thing should be enough of a trade-off on our part, but…

MEDIVH: Bleat at me no longer, fools!

MOKVAR: …Ouch.

FARANELL: That was kind of a good one, actually.

MEDIVH: Before the mighty and magnanimous Wizard grants your request, he demands that you return to him another magic relic of great power: you are to slay the Wicked Witch of the West, and recover from her the Doomstone.

GARROSH: Hang on, the Wicked Witch of the West? That’s Magatha, isn’t it?

GARONA: Yeah.

GARROSH: So we get what we came for, AND I get to kill Magatha?

FARANELL: Didn’t you already kill her in the other timeline?

GARROSH: Trust me, dude, it never gets old.

MEDIVH: You shall venture to the odious lair of the Wicked Witch, where you shall slay her and return with the powerful Doomstone. You must not shy away from this task, for if you fail to carry out this duty—

GARROSH: Dude, it’s cool, done and done.

MEDIVH: Excellent! Be warned, however, the lair of the Wicked Witch of the West shall not be breached easily. It lies in the Mountains of Twilight, in the dread Bastion of the Dying Day. The journey shall be long and arduous, and you will find many trials between here and—

FARANELL: <holding up the Focusing Iris and channeling a spell> Yeah, stoke that noise. Portal to BoT coming up!

Faranell completes the spell and teleports the group away, other than Garona.

MEDIVH: <sighs> Mortals.

Blackout. In an inner chamber of the Bastion of Twilight, Magatha peers into an Eye of Twilight. Beside her hunches Zhi-Zhi, dressed in armor and sporting bat-like wings on his back; around the room similar winged monkey creatures scurry.

MAGATHA: The visions have grown cloudy…they may have reached Karazhan, but no matter – soon enough we’ll find them, and the Focusing Iris will be—

In a flash of light, Garrosh et all appear in the middle of the room. The group appears briefly disoriented as they look around.

FARANELL: Okay, here we are!

MOKVAR: <looking around> Are…are those flying monkeys?

MAGATHA: Well then! All the better! No need to go out hunting for them – the fools have delivered themselves right into my very lair!

ZHI-ZHI: Now! Now we get them, your Witchy-wooken-ness ma’am! Hozen do good and get the dookin’—

MAGATHA: <smacking Zhi-Zhi> Shut up, you insipid preliterate orang utan! Get them!

ZHI-ZHI: Ahhh! Stop hitting Zhi-Zhi!

DONTRAG: I know the feeling, ape guy…

ZHI-ZHI: Get them! Get them!

More monkeys swarm into the room and start running to surround Garrosh’s group, which backs up toward stage right. Magatha runs back and forth in the background, overlooking the scene. Arikara flies in and swoops back and forth above them.

GARROSH: That’s…a whole lot of monkeys.

FARANELL: Plus that wind serpent…

Mortimer leaps into the air and barrels into Arikara with a snarl, knocking them both offstage to the left.

GARROSH: Yeah, I’m not so worried about the wind serpent.

The monkeys descend in bunches, attacking the group.

The chimp brigade, on the other hand…

The Horde group starts to fight off the monkeys; they cut the monkeys down easily enough, but by sheer force of numbers, Magatha’s attackers push Garrosh et al further back.

Magatha descends and begins shooting chain lightning.

MAGATHA: Hahaha! You fools made my work that much easier! Now the Focusing Iris will be mine, and—

Faranell runs up to Magatha and splashes her from a bucket.

AAAHH!! I’m melting! I’m melting! AAAAHHH!!!

Screaming all the way, Magatha melts into a sizzling brown puddle on the floor.

GARROSH: Um, hang on a second. She melted? Fucking WATER killed her?

FARANELL: No. That wasn’t water.

MOKVAR: What was it, then?

FARANELL: Acidic plague.

GARROSH: You walk around with a bucket of acidic plague?

FARANELL: Do you not know what I do for a living?

ZHI-ZHI: The Wicked Witch – she’s dead! You killed her!

MOKVAR: Uh oh. Bracing for pissed-off monkeys.

ZHI-ZHI: She’s dead! She’s dead! Hozen are free! Free of the Witch!

Zhi-Zhi starts jumping up and down jubilantly, with the other monkeys following his lead in short order. Mortimer wanders in and sits, munching on a wind serpent wing.

DONTRAG: I guess this is good?

MOKVAR: As long as they don’t start fliging poop around, I think we’re okay.

ZHI-ZHI: No more beatings from Wicked Witch! We friends now! Friends of the hozen!

Faranell prods Magatha’s remains, rummaging through the remains of her cloak.

MOKVAR: Be careful there, Edwin – are you sure you should be poking around in that stuff?

FARANELL: <continues rummaging> Oh, yes, you’re right, I’d better be careful not to touch any of the plague, or else my flesh might decompose and I might die and OH WAIT.

Faranell pulls a polished gray stone from Magatha’s cloak and tosses it to Garrosh.

Here we go. Mission accomplished.

ZHI-ZHI: Yes! You take Doomstone – reward for killing Wicked Witch! And hozen will follow you now!

GARROSH: Don’t I know you from somewhere?

ZHI-ZHI: <scratching his head> Ever been to Tian Monastery?

GARROSH: Never heard of it.

MOKVAR: Well, other than that one time.

ZHI-ZHI: <still scratching his head> Dunno then…

GARROSH: <shrugs> Whatever.

FARANELL: Portal back to the Wizard?

GARROSH: Yeah, let’s get a move on.

ZHI-ZHI: Hozen come too! Follow new leader! Leader who free hozen!

GARROSH: Uh, yeah, dude, listen, I’ve already got my quota filled on preliterate knuckle-dragging lackeys, okay?

DONTRAG: Sorry, sir.

FARANELL: Okay, gentlemen, here we go…

Faranell casts a portal spell and teleports the group away. Zhi-Zhi remains with the other winged monkeys; he looks around dejectedly, then sneers at the spot where Garrosh had been standing.

ZHI-ZHI: Still not the one!

Blackout. In the Wizard of Zhan’s chamber, Garrosh et al port in, joining Medivh, Garona, and Liadrin.

MEDIVH: Ah, you’ve returned! The mighty but restless Wizard of Zhan is both pleased and not inconsiderably relieved at your timely return!

MOKVAR: You were worried about us?

MEDIVH: Not especially. But since your departure, your…colleague has scarcely shut up.

GARONA: Well sue me for thinking you might want to catch up a little. It’s not like we have a kid together or anything.

GARROSH: <looking to Liadrin> And hang on, what are YOU doing here?

LIADRIN: You think I would miss this floor show?

GARROSH: Well you know, if you were going to come here anyway, you could have maybe stayed with us and used some of your magic to help move things along.

LIADRIN: And then what would you have learned?

GARROSH: I didn’t learn a damn thing as it is, other than “Watch where you step around monkeys” and “Don’t get too close if you see a walking corpse with a bucket”!

FARANELL: You know I’m standing right here.

LIADRIN: Two valuable life lessons.

GARROSH: …I seriously need some new friends.

MEDIVH: At any rate.

GARROSH: Yeah, PLEASE get us back to business.

MEDIVH: You have brought the Doomstone, as I instructed?

GARROSH: <holds up the Doomstone> Got it right here.

MEDIVH: Excellent. Now you shall hand over the relic, and—

GARROSH: Not so fast, translucent boy. First you give us what we came here for, THEN we’ll give you the doohicky.

MEDIVH: You dare try to dictate terms to the great and powerful Wizard of Zhan, mortal? I should liquidate you for your presumption alone!

Mortimer, who has been sniffing around the various tapestries that cover parts of the walls, tugs back one curtain to reveal a control panel covered with elaborate levers, buttons, and monitors, manned by a Forsaken male dressed in warrior’s plate.

GARROSH: Uh, who’s that?

The Forsaken man speaks into a microphone on the control panel, and his words are echoed by Medivh.

AVERRY and MEDIVH: Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!

FARANELL: Well that’s…odd.

GARROSH: The hell?

GARONA: I don’t even want to think about the implications of this for me.

AVERRY and MEDIVH: Silence, you foolish mortals! Pay him no mind!

GARROSH: Dude, we can see you’re the one doing the talking.

UTVOCH: I’m confused.

FARANELL: Imagine our astonishment.

Averry looks back at the others and hurriedly pulls the curtain closed again.

GARROSH: Now then, insects, you will disregard the man behind the— Oh. Oops. Wrong button.

MEDIVH: That’s better. Now then, insects, you will disregard the man behind the curtain, and put him out of mind!

ALL: What man behind the curtain whom we certainly don’t remember seeing?

MEDIVH: Much better.

GARROSH: Look, can we just get what we came here for so we can get this whole freak show over with?

LIADRIN: It probably would be just as easy to do it this way, Guardian.

MEDIVH: <sighs> Very well. Have your companions step forward…

Mokvar, Faranell, Dontrag, and Utvoch step closer to Medivh. Medivh looks to Faranell.

First you, my fellow – albeit preposterously less mighty – mage.

FARANELL: Can’t anyone be one of the best at their class without being an elitist jerk about it?

MEDIVH: You came, as I recall, seeking guts – and yet I daresay you suffer from disorganized thinking. To flee from danger is, in many cases, not cowardice, but wisdom. Indeed, in my day I have known many a soul called a hero, who carried out great deeds of valiance, and they had no more courage than—

FARANELL: No, no, you’re taking this too metaphorically.

MEDIVH: Pardon?

FARANELL: I don’t need guts because I think I’m a coward. Look at me. Half my internal organs are missing. I have no guts, literally.

MEDIVH: Huh. You know, you’re shedding new light on some complaints I’ve been getting from Moroes…

FARANELL: How about I put you down for an “I’ll get back to you” and keep the line moving.

Medivh shrugs and turns to Mokvar.

MEDIVH: As for you, my good orc… Your trouble is another misperception of your situation – not the lack of heart, but a damaged one. To that end, I give you this remedy, for your ears and your ears alone:

Medivh leans closer to Mokvar.

<aside> She is still out there, alive, and she is looking for you.

Mokvar makes a surprised expression, then nods and steps away. Medivh turns to Dontrag and Utvoch.

Now then…you two.

DONTRAG: Yes, sir, your high and mighty Wizardariousness, sir.

UTVOCH: Very much honored to bask in your presence and await your magnaminious blessings, sir.

MEDIVH: Hmm… Yeah. Right. Sorry. You can’t fix stupid.

DONTRAG: Oh.

UTVOCH: Um…okay…

GARROSH: <sighs> Gotta say, we’re not getting a whole lot of return on our investment so far.

MEDIVH: Now for your request, other-orc. You say you seek the demon Malchezaar, and the means to draw him out of his hiding place…

GARROSH: Right. Please don’t tell me this is another one of those “Oops, I can’t really do that one” things for you.

MEDIVH: The great and powerful Wizard of Zhan can do anything, mortal!

FARANELL: Other than listen to himself for like the last three minutes.

MEDIVH: But, as it happens, in this case the Wizard does not need to!

GARROSH: <sighs> Don’t tell me you’re going to get all cryptic on me now.

LIADRIN: What I think the Wizard means, Garrosh, is that you have the means now to do it yourself.

GARROSH: The what now?

Liadrin points to the Doomstone in Garrosh’s hands.

Huh… This thing can do it? How?

LIADRIN: You need only charge it with the Focusing Iris, and you’ll see.

GARROSH: Huh. Well, you heard her, Edwin. Let’s see what this thing does.

Faranell takes out the Focusing Iris and starts to channel arcane power through it and into the Doomstone. The Doomstone starts to glow, then expand, growing into a heavy gray slab of rock with a single runic symbol etched into it.

LIADRIN: Now all you need to is touch your hand to it and say “Come click on the stone.”

Garrosh gives a quizzical look, then shrugs and puts his hand on the stone.

GARROSH: Come click on the stone.

LIADRIN: That’s it…go on…

GARROSH: Come click on the stone… Come click on the stone… Come click on the stone…

As he repeats the phrase, Faranall and Mokvar approach and touch the stone as well. The stage lights dim as Medivh’s chamber fades away, and the only things left visible are Garrosh and the stone. A bright light flashes around the stone, and Prince Malchezaar appears.

MALCHEZAAR: <looks around bewildered> What? How—?

GARROSH: Well hey, now we’re in business.

MALCHEZAAR: You! You dare?

GARROSH: Yeah, so, we haven’t really properly met or anything, princy, so let me fill you in – I dare. Like, professionally.

MALCHEZAAR: Madness has brought you here, orc! Now I shall be your undoing!

GARROSH: Seriously, do you bad guys all take a class on these stock threats? Because—

Garrosh reaches to his back to draw Gorehowl, only to find it’s disappeared from its usual place.

Wha— Oh for fuck’s sake, seriously? Again, now?

Laughing menacingly, Malchezaar draws Gorehowl and brandishes it.

MALCHEZAAR: Ha! Have you misplaced this, fool? I remember fondly the day I recovered it from Demon’s Fall!

GARROSH: Ugh, fine, we’ll do this the street-brawl way…

Garrosh rushes at Malchezaar and grapples with him, gripping Gorehowl by its haft when Malchezaar tries to swing it at him.

MALCHEZAAR: Flee now while you can, orc! You do not face Malchezaar alone—

GARROSH: Yeah, yeah, we all know the spiel, squid-face – but you know something? You’re right. I DON’T face Malchezaar alone…

The stage lights come back on, illuminating the normal, minimally dressed stage of the Opera House – with Faranell, Liadrin, Mokvar, Garona, Dontrag, and Utvoch in a semicircle behind Garrosh and Malchezaar.

Say hello to the legion at my command! SHOW TIME FOR REAL, kids!

MOKVAR: Liking our odds a lot better this time…

While Faranell and Mokvar stand back, casting fireballs and lightning bursts respectively, Liadrin, Garona, Dontrag, and Utvoch run in to engage Malchezaar at melee range. Malchezaar staggers back and forth under the onslaught of the group, still grappling with Garrosh over their hold on Gorehowl, until Garrosh twists it out of Malchezaar’s grip, leaps up, and cleaves through the demon’s neck, severing his head. Malchezaar’s body slumps to the floor, and the spectral audience bursts into applause.

GARROSH: Wham, bam, the bitch is dead. Bitch.

As the audience continues their applause, Barnes walks to center stage.

BARNES: A splendid finale for a most varied and entertaining evening of theater! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you tonight’s troupe of performers, here for the first and only time for your enjoyment!

The applause rises; Barnes walks back offstage.

MOKVAR: Well that takes care of that.

DONTRAG: We’re done here now, right?

LIADRIN: That should do it, yes…

FARANELL: <standing over Malchezaar’s body somberly> At least now he can stop coming back to die over and over…

MOKVAR: Oh, yeah…I guess you were in your own kind of time loop, weren’t you, Edwin…

LIADRIN: But…Edwin, it would have been a stable loop with you, wouldn’t it? Just one set of events repeating infinitely?

FARANELL: That’s what I’d figured it was going to be…

GARROSH: Wait, what? What do you mean, a stable loop?

FARANELL: When I stayed in old Southshore, and replaced myself. I’d figured I would live through my life like I remembered it, then get to the point where we traveled to the past, and go back with you again, then the events would be complete. And then it would be done, and the cycle would just keep spinning itself.

LIADRIN: That isn’t what happened for you?

FARANELL: <shaking head slowly> It didn’t just repeat. I would live through to our mission to the past, and replace myself again, and pick up my life in the past…and yeah, the loop would keep repeating, but every cycle through, I had to live it through again, and repeat my part of it again, and…

GARROSH: And…?

LIADRIN: Oh…oh no…

FARANELL: …and die again. And be raised again.

MOKVAR: Holy crap…

UTVOCH: Wait, I’m confused, what’s he—

GARROSH: Just this once, will you please SHUT THE FUCK UP?

FARANELL: And so yeah, every time around, I had to live out that repetition fresh. I can still remember every loop, individually…

LIADRIN: Edwin… I’m not sure if I even really want to know, but…how many times did you…go around?

FARANELL: By the time you…I…reset the timelines and broke me out…? 2,734.

LIADRIN: By the Light… You…relived your own death…?

Faranell nods, still staring at Malchezaar.

MOKVAR: Edwin, listen—

FARANELL: Doesn’t really matter at this point. <turns back to the others> Come on. We’re done here. Portal to Orgrimmar coming up.

Faranell summons a portal, and one by one the rest of the group disappears through it.

There’s no place like home…

Faranell ports out. The curtain closes.

1 Comment »

The Wizard of Zhan, Act 2

Posted in Transcripts with tags dontrag, faranell, garona, karazhan, mokvar, mortimer, opera house, stupidity, utvoch, WoW on October 29, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

The curtain rises, revealing the Gold Road coming to a fork in the marsh at a small guard tower. Garrosh, Garona, and Mortimer enter. Seated next to the tower entrance, two guards – Dontrag and Utvoch – entertain themselves tossing coins.

GARROSH: Huh. Do you know which way we’re supposed to go?

GARONA: I’m not sure. It’s been a while.

GARROSH: How do you know this wizard again?

GARONA: Long story. <looks around> I suppose we could ask the guards.

GARROSH: <squints, looking at them> For some reason, I don’t have a great feeling about that. But whatever. HEY, you two!

Dontrag and Utvoch scramble to their feet and grab their axes.

DONTRAG: Halt!

UTVOCH: Who goes there?

GARROSH: Uh, you can stop trying to act like you were actually paying attention to what was going on.

DONTRAG: Begging your pardon, sir, but rested assurances we are in full commanding commandeered command of the situation. At hand, sir.

UTVOCH: What may have appeared to the untrained eye, sir—

DONTRAG: The uninitialized!

UTVOCH: Uninitialized?

DONTRAG: Isn’t that what you meant?

UTVOCH: The uninitialized eye?

DONTRAG: Well maybe you could take out the “eye” part?

GARONA: Were you thinking of maybe “uninitiated”?

UTVOCH: What’s wrong with just “the untrained eye”?

DONTRAG: Fine, say it your way.

GARROSH: I think I’m starting to get a regrettably familiar headache…

UTVOCH: As I was meaning to say, sir…

GARROSH: Oh good, Here we go.

UTVOCH: To the untrained eye, it may have appeared and belied that my comrade Dontrag and I were diverted and distracted, but you see, sir, that’s all just part of our clever ruse.

GARROSH: A ruse?

UTVOCH: Yes sir. Our cunning plan!

GARROSH: You have a ruse?

UTVOCH: We do, sir – a great clever devious one, sure to outwit and unfox even the most surreptitious and scheming of foes! A great airtight inconceivable ploy, ma’am!

GARROSH: I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

UTVOCH: Sir?

GARROSH: Just go on. Or don’t, actually.

UTVOCH: Just meaning to say, sir, my colleague and I might have looked to be distracted with our game, but if you take my meaning, sir, that’s just to lull any enemies into a false sense of security, sir.

DONTRAG: They see us busy at the tower and underestimate us!

GARROSH: I don’t know if anyone could underestimate you two.

UTVOCH: Thank you, sir!

DONTRAG: And they try to put one past us, and lo and behold!

UTVOCH: Ha! HA!

Garona, who had wandered off by this point, unstealths further up the road, on the far side of the guard tower, and waves.

DONTRAG: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to put one past ol’ Dontrag and Utvoch, sir!

Garrosh points to Garona; Dontrag and Utvoch turn to look, then do double takes.

UTVOCH: Hey! You can’t be over there!

DONTRAG: No one passes this checkpoint without they’ve been approved and authorized and added to the official commendatory-ish list!

UTVOCH: No one else is to pass, ma’am!

DONTRAG: Those are our orders!

GARROSH: Your orders?

DONTRAG: Yes, sir!

GARROSH: Whose orders?

UTVOCH: The Warchief’s orders, sir!

Garrosh stares at them for a moment, then looks at Garona, then rubs his eyes.

GARROSH: I’M the Warchief, you pinheads.

Dontrag and Utvoch do another double take.

UTVOCH: I think we may need to add more detailed notes to the list.

GARROSH: I think you may need something other than cottage cheese between your ears.

DONTRAG: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

GARONA: You know, if they came along, maybe the Wizard could do something for them.

GARROSH: WHY would you even SUGGEST—

UTVOCH: Really? That would be most magnanimous of you, sir!

DONTRAG: It would be an honor to join you on your quest, sir!

UTVOCH: A group quest, as it were!

DONTRAG: With a tremendous quest reward for Utvoch and I, sir – and most beneficiallacious to everyone!

{IF WE ONLY HAD A BRAIN}

DONTRAG:

We would cause much less frustration,
And need less explanation
To make the meaning plain.
Write your order down and send it;
We would truly comprehend it
If we only had a brain.

UTVOCH:

We would free our conversation
From overcompensation:
The knowledge that we feign.
You might think of us as nerdy,
And we wouldn’t be so wordy
If we only had a brain.

DONTRAG and UTVOCH:

Oh, we would finally know,
Our heads not filled with wool.

DONTRAG:

Instead our heads with knowledge would be full.

UTVOCH:

It would be inconceivable!

DONTRAG:

Life would be such a joy hence,
To not be an annoyance,
And not be thought a pain.
You would not be near as wary
Of our weak vocabulary
If we only had a brain.

UTVOCH:

We’d listen while you’re talkin’,
And not feel like we’re walkin’
Two steps behind again.
You’re be happy when you meet us
(Or at least you wouldn’t beat us)
If we only had a brain.

GARONA: See? They mean well.

GARROSH: Yeah, yeah, fine. They can come along. Only question is, which way? We still never settled that.

DONTRAG: We’re on it, sir!

GARONA: See, I told you.

DONTRAG: You call it, Ut.

GARROSH: Wait, call it?

UTVOCH: Heads, north!

DONTRAG: Tossing!

Dontrag tosses a coin.

GARROSH: Seriously?

DONTRAG: Tails!

UTVOCH: South it is.

GARROSH: You know what? Fine. Whatever.

{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD (REPRISE)}

ALL:

We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan.
We hear he’s sage: the mightiest mage
Who ever met mortal man.
If you seek some sorcery for your plan,
The Wizard’s your man, because he can –
He can, he can, he can, he can, he can.
He’ll have it all done before it began!
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan!

Blackout. The Gold Road winds past Blackrock Mountain through a fiery landscape. Garrosh, Garona, Dontrag, Utvoch, and Mortimer enter and make their way cautiously along the road.

DONTRAG: I don’t really like the looks of things here, sir.

GARONA: This is a dangerous region. Rumor has it that a few last lingering members of the black dragonflight lurk around here.

UTVOCH: Dragons? Really?

DONTRAG: Don’t forget the ogres. Aren’t they supposed to be especially hostile in these mountains?

GARONA: Not to mention the orcs.

GARROSH: Um, you mean like every single one of us here?

GARONA: Hey, I’m half draenei.

GARROSH: Yeah, but you’re passing.

GARONA: Well still, I’m talking about Blackrock orcs. They’re nothing but trouble in this region.

DONTRAG: Ugh. Dragons and ogres and orcs.

UTVOCH: Oh my.

GARONA: Dragons and ogres and orcs.

UTVOCH: Oh my.

The group begins to march along the road faster, in rhythm with their words.

ALL: Dragons and ogres and orcs!

UTVOCH: Oh my!

ALL: Dragons and ogres and orcs!

UTVOCH: Oh my!

ALL: Dragons and ogres and orcs!

UTVOCH: Oh my!

ALL: Dragons and ogres and orcs!

UTVOCH: Oh my!

As the group passes an outcropping of rock, Mokvar – wearing clattering plate armor – jumps out and attacks them, beginning with a chain lightning that knocks Garrosh, Garona, and Utvoch back. Mokvar knocks down Dontrag and stands over him, rearing back to swing his mace. Garrosh charges back in and knocks Mokvar away.

DONTRAG: Wow, you weren’t kidding about the Blakrock orcs being bad news around here.

MOKVAR: I’m not a Blackrock orc! You’re the Blackrock orcs!

GARROSH: Dude, what is this, a schoolyard?

MOKVAR: You’re not Blackrock orcs?

GARROSH: Do I LOOK like a Blackrock orc? You seriously can’t tell Blackrock from Mag’har?

MOKVAR: <shrugs> Yeah, fine. In that case, you all be on your way and I’ll get back to my business.

GARROSH: What this yen you’ve got against the Blackrocks, anyway?

MOKVAR: That’s between them and me.

GARONA: And anyone else who happens to come walking down this road.

GARROSH: I don’t know what your problem is with them, dude, but you might want to let it go before somebody ends up getting hurt. Like mainly you.

MOKVAR: Would if I could.

GARONA: Why can’t you?

MOKVAR: The Blackrock clan…well, one of them…took something from me that… Look, if I could put it past me and forget about it, I would. It would make life a whole lot easier…

{IF I ONLY HAD A HEART}

MOKVAR:

It’s true, I’m kind of bitter;
My mercy’s in the shitter,
My anger off the chart.
Maybe wrongs could be forgiven
And I just could go on livin’
If I only had a heart.

An orc that I won’t mention,
Reviled past comprehension,
That’s where it found its start.
But my smiles would be addictive
If I just weren’t so vindictive,
If I only had a heart.

Picture me a balcony,
Above a voice speaks low,
Illuminated by the fires below.
I hear a blast…aghast.

Now I wish I could forget it,
Those moments I regretted
That tear me all apart.
I could end all my fighting
And I’d get back to my writing
If I only had a heart.

DONTRAG: You know, maybe the Wizard could do something to help him, too.

GARONA: I suppose it couldn’t hurt to try.

GARROSH: I guess. Maybe he’ll give me someone to have some actual decent conversation with on this trip.

GARONA: I’ve been trying to talk to you this whole time!

GARROSH: As I was saying.

MOKVAR: You people are funny. You should write some of this down.

GARROSH: Funny you should mention. I want to discuss that with you during the trip…

{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD (REPRISE)}

ALL:

We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan.
We hear he’s sage: the mightiest mage
Who ever met mortal man.
If you seek some sorcery for your plan,
The Wizard’s your man, because he can –
He can, he can, he can, he can, he can.
He’ll have it all done before it began!
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan!

Blackout. The group follows the Gold Road through Duskwood, where it passes an alchemy station manned by Faranell.

FARNELL: Hey. I’m Edwin, I could go for a trip to the Dark Tower too, everybody cool with that? Yeah? Good. Let’s get going then.

GARROSH: I— wait, what? You just want to…

FARANELL: Yeah, look, I’ve been watching this from backstage, and rather than doing some little vignette about me joining the group, I figured we could just save time and move things along.

GARROSH: <clapping Faranell on the back> Good man.

FARANELL: Okay, so, cue the exit song.

{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD (REPRISE)}

ALL:

Weeeeeeeeee’re off to—

GARONA: Wait, wait, hold on.

GARROSH: What’s the matter?

GARONA: What do you want to see the Wizard for?

FARANELL: …I want his autograph?

GARROSH: Does it really matter?

GARONA: Hey, somebody has to keep the plot on track with some kind of integrity.

MOKVAR: Personally I think that train left the station somewhere around the “Time Warp” ripoff.

FARANELL: Well, what have you got so far?

GARONA: Dontrag and Utvoch want a brain.

FARANELL: Shouldn’t they specify two?

GARONA: Isn’t that splitting hairs, really?

FARANELL: Listen, I’m a mage. I know all about ironic technicalities when people phrase their magic requests vaguely.

GARROSH: Whatever. Honestly even one brain between them would be an improvement.

GARONA: And then Mokvar wants a heart.

FARANELL: Hmm. Okay, well, keeping with the whole anatomical theme, I guess I could ask him for some guts.

GARROSH: Really? You don’t seem so cowardly.

UTVOCH: Actually I thought you were kind of badass back in that cellar.

FARANELL: No, no, I’m not talking about courage. I mean literally, guts. Look at me. I’m undead. I’m missing half my internal organs.

{IF I ONLY HAD SOME GUTS}

FARANELL:

The bile I feel is sadder,
’Cause I’ve got no gallbladder,
No ifs, no ands, no buts.
Now I’d finally have uses
For these jarred digestive juices
If I only had some guts.

No liver, so I’m thinkin’
I’d better not be drinkin’.
I really don’t see what’s
The point of an appendix,
But I would give mine a mend fix
If I only had some guts.

Once I had them back,
It would never discard.
I never should have once let down my guard
And signed that organ donor card.

Those toxins, I would rid these
If I just had some kidneys.
Necrosis, it rebuts.
But my pain would heal faster,

MOKVAR:

All this anger I would master,

DONTRAG and UTVOCH:

Our ideas won’t be disaster,

GARROSH:

And I’ll kill that demon bastard
If that caster is a caster, not a putz.

DONTRAG and UTVOCH:

Then we’re sure to get a brain.

MOKVAR:

A heart.

GARROSH:

A…means to summon a demon prince and by the way I’m not even bothering to try to get this to fit the actual meter of the line here, so sue me.

FARANELL: <blinks>

Um, okay… Some guts.

GARROSH: Okay, that works. Moving on.

{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD (REPRISE, FOR REAL THIS TIME)}

ALL:

We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan.
We hear he’s sage: the mightiest mage
Who ever met mortal man.
If you seek some sorcery for your plan,
The Wizard’s your man, because he can –
He can, he can, he can, he can, he can.
He’ll have it all done before it began!
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan!

The group marches down the road and offstage. The curtain closes.

{TO BE CONTINUED IN ACT 3}

The Wizard of Zhan

Posted in Transcripts with tags doomstone, focusing iris, garona, goblins, jaina proudmoore, karazhan, khizzara, liadrin, magatha, northwatch hold, oblique references, opera house, spazzle, theramore, WoW on October 28, 2012 by Garrosh Hellscream

The curtain rises on the admiral’s quarters in Northwatch Hold, where Garrosh is sitting in a chair, slumped over a central table. Everything appears black-and-white.

After a moment, Garrosh stirs and looks around the room while rubbing his forehead. Stage lights illuminate the far edges of the stage, alternating sides, showing brief glimpses of Orgrimmar in flames, being overrun by demons. The sounds of screaming and demonic laughter can be heard, seemingly at a distance. The lights at the edges of the stage go out. Garrosh stands, and the background noise stops.

GARROSH: Malchezaar… They were able to do it because of Malchezaar…

{UP IN THE NETHER}

GARROSH:

Somewhere up in the nether
In the dark,
There’s a demon “prince,” self-appointed,
Calls himself Malchezaar.

Mortimer wanders in and settles near Garrosh as the song continues.

Somewhere up in the nether
Time did break.
You can kill him while he’s up there
But it just won’t take.

Some day I’ve got to drag him down
Out of that place and go to town
And stop it.
The Legion hid him in the cracks.
Sometimes he’s got my father’s axe;
I hope he drops it.

Somewhere up in the nether
Demons hide.
Prince lurks up in the nether –
It’s long since time he died.

If demons get to be revived
Without a timer,
Why oh why can’t I?

Garrosh walks to a window and looks out. A stage light illuminates the edge of the stage again, this time revealing the burning ruins of Camp Taurajo.

Garrosh steps back into the room and, slowly at first but with increasing speed and urgency, begins running around the room, knocking over and smashing furniture. Dizzying music fades in as Garrosh continues; he runs around in circles, destroying everything he can reach. The stage lights dim until the room itself fades from view and the only thing visible is Garrosh – running in circles, lashing at his invisible surroundings, moving with increasing speed until he starts to blur into a whirlwind of anger.

The lights slowly come up to show that the Northwatch Hold tower has been replaced by the deck of a goblin sky galleon. The ship is spinning in air, such that the rotation of the ship gradually comes to replace Garrosh’s running; he now stands on the deck as the galleon spins around, tossed in circles by a literal whirlwind.

The lights fade to black while the dizzying music continues – growing louder – then a loud crash is heard. The stage lights come up again, showing the sky galleon wrecked on the ground amid the ruins of Theramore. For the first time, the scene is visible in full color. Garrosh is sprawled out on the ground near the wreckage, unconscious. Mortimer flies in and approaches. He prods Garrosh carefully with one paw; Garrosh stirs and starts to get up.

GARROSH: <rubbing his head with one hand while patting Mortimer with the other> Yeah, yeah, I’m okay, buddy…

Garrosh turns to the wreckage of the galleon and notices a woman’s legs sticking out from under it.

Huh. She’s not okay, though, whoever she is. Was.

Garrosh looks around the ruins, then back to the galleon. As he turns away, several goblins begin to emerge slowly from behind pieces of the ruins.

Hmm… Mortimer, I don’t think we’re in Northgate anymore… Looks like Theramore…so…so that would make HER—

SPAZZLE: <running to the wreckage> The Witch! She’s dead! The Wicked Witch is dead!

More goblins appear and gather closer around the wreckage.

GARROSH: Hang on, the witch? You mean like a mage?

SPAZZLE: Well, it’s kind of a blanket term.

GARROSH: But is THIS one a mage?

KHIZZARA: Not anymore!

GARROSH: Yeah, fine, I get it, she’s dead. What I’m trying to find out is if she’s—

GIZZIX GRIMEGURGLE: She’s dead!

DYSLIX SILVERGRUB: Dead!

KRIXIL SLOGSWITCH: The Witch is dead!

KHIZZARA: Woot!

GARROSH: Fine, fuck it, I’ll check it out myself.

Garrosh takes hold of the edge of the wreckage and, grunting, lifts it a few feet.

UGH! GROSS!

Garrosh releases the galleon and it crashes back onto the body. One hand is left flopping limply out from under the wreckage; a glowing blue orb falls out of its palm and rolls across the ground.

Definitely Jaina, though. Gotta say, not exactly a glorious way to go out. <chuckles> Oh well. Live on your back, die on your back, right?

The blue sphere rolls further. In a puff of smoke, Liadrin appears in the sphere’s path. She is wearing the paladin Lightsworn robes and has the wings of Avenging Wrath permanently glowing on her back. She leans down and picks up the orb.

LIADRIN: Are you the one who’s slain the Wicked Witch of the East and freed the Mudsprockets?

GARROSH: What, Jaina? Yeah, that was me, I guess.

GOBLINS: Hooray!

GARROSH: So hang on, who are all you people?

LIADRIN: I am the Good Witch of the North. And the Mudsprockets live here in the marsh.

RAZBO RUSTGEAR: Under the tyrannical reign of the Wicked Witch of the East!

KHIZZARA: Not anymore!

GOBLINS: Hooray!

GARROSH: Jaina had a tyrannical reign?

SPAZZLE: Well, more like some pretty strict local ordinances on fireworks and explosives.

KHIZZARA: Not anymore!

GIZZIX GRIMEGURGLE: Splodey-ville, here we come!

GOBLINS: Hooray!

GARROSH: Okay, whatever. You’re happy she’s dead, I’m happy she’s dead, it’s all cool. One less thorn in my side, gotta tell you.

{WHAM, BAM, THE BITCH IS DEAD}

GARROSH:

Wham! Bam! The bitch is dead!

GOBLINS:

Witch? Which bitch?

GARROSH:

The Proudmoore bitch!
Wham! Bam! The Proudmoore bitch is dead!
I landed on her head,
She wished she woulda stood in bed.
Flat splat, the Proudmoore bitch is dead!

GOBLINS:

She won’t stop the goblins now –
Kapow! Kapow! Kapow!
So now, let’s open up and blast,
At last! Let’s rock some rockets!
Wham bam, she got put down,
A new sheriff is in town!
Don’t you frown, the Wicked Witch is dead!

Drazzit Dripvalve approaches wearing a top hat and comically flamboyant ceremonial attire.

DRAZZIT DRIPVALVE:

As Mayor of dear Mudsprocket,
In the shadow of the Witch’s lair,
I welcome you effusively!

GIZZIX GRIMEGURGLE:

But it must be proved conclusively,
To know…

DRAZZIT DRIPVALVE:

To know?

GIZZIX GRIMGURGLE:

That blow…

DRAZZIT DRIPVALVE:

That blow?

GIZZIX GRIMGURGLE:

Has utterly, totally,

KRIXIL SLOGSWITCH:

Not just anecdotally!

RAZBO RUSTGEAR:

Determinately, permanently,

GOBLINS:

Undiminishedly gone and finished her off.

SPAZZLE:

I went ahead and checked her out,
And I can say without a doubt
That she’s not just flatter than most:
She’s totally and truly toast.

DRAZZIT DRIPVALVE:

Then today we’ll fire our rockets!
Celebrating free Mudsprockets!
Now spread the word! Let none neglect!
The Wicked Witch just got shipwrecked!

GOBLINS:

Wham! Bam! The Witch is dead!
Which? Which Witch? The Wicked Witch!
Wham! Bam! The Wicked Witch is dead!
He landed on her head,
She wished she woulda stood in bed.

GARROSH:

Flat splat, the Proudmoore bitch is dead!

GOBLINS:

She won’t stop the goblins now –
Kapow! Kapow! Kapow!
So now, let’s open up and blast,
At last! Let’s rock some rockets!
Wham bam, she got put down,
A new sheriff is in town!
Don’t you frown, the Wicked Witch is dead!

From above, Magatha Grimtotem swoops in, riding her wind serpent Arikara. Cackling maniacally, she casts chain lightning down at the Mudsprockets, who scatter and try to take cover.

GARROSH: What the fuck is SHE doing here?

LIADRIN: It’s the Wicked Witch of the West!

GARROSH: How many fucking Wicked Witches do you people HAVE around here?

LIADRIN: Two—

KHIZZARA: Not anymore!

LIADRIN: Well, yes, one now. But this one is even worse than the Wicked Witch of the East ever was.

GARROSH: Preaching to the choir, lady.

Magatha unleashes another burst of chain lightning; Garrosh and Liadrin dive out of the way. Mortimer launches into the air, snarling, and swipes at Arikara.

GARROSH: Yeah! Go get ’em, Mortimer!

Mortimer’s strike knocks Magatha off of Arikara and sends her crashing to the ground. Shrieking, Arikara flies out of view. Magatha gets up and looks at Jaina’s legs poking out from under the wreckage. Mortimer returns to the ground, landing next to Garrosh.

MAGATHA: So it’s true! She’s dead! <looking around hurriedly> Where is it, then? It must be here!

LIADRIN: <holding up the blue sphere> Are you looking for this?

MAGATHA: The Focusing Iris! Yes! Once I combine its power with that of the Doomstone—

LIADRIN: You’ll do nothing of the kind, crone!

MAGATHA: You think I fear you, elf? I’ll take it from you if I have to!

Magatha starts to cast another chain lightning, but is interrupted when Garona – sporting the Fangs of the Father wings – unstealths and stunlocks her.

GARONA: Not so much, Steak Sauce!

GARROSH: So, who’s this supposed to be now?

LIADRIN: She’s the Morally Ambiguous Witch of the South-by-Southeast.

GARONA: Hey.

GARROSH: You people have some really weird fucking job titles, gotta say.

LIADRIN: You slayed the Wicked Witch of the East, so it’s only right that the Focusing Iris should go to you as its caretaker…

Liadrin hands the Iris to Garrosh.

What’s important is that it stays out of the hands of the crone at all cost.

GARROSH: Yeah, don’t worry, I am all about making her life unpleasant…

Arikara swoops by again, startling Garrosh and Liadrin into taking a few steps back; Magatha breaks out of her stun, jumps back, and puts down an earthbind totem that holds the others in place.

MAGATHA: I may need to bide my time for now, but the Iris will be mine yet! And as for you, orc – I’ll get you, my cranky, and your little wyvern, too!

Magatha leaps onto Arikara’s back and takes off.

LIADRIN: She’ll be back. I hope you can handle powerful enemies.

GARROSH: I’ve dealt with worse. Matter of fact, I was working on one just before I wound up here.

LIADRIN: What enemy was that?

GARROSH: A demon called Malchezaar – taking him out wouldn’t even be that big of a deal, but I kind of have to get him out of his lair in order to defeat him.

LIADRIN: Something you would need powerful magic to do?

GARROSH: Probably. Magic not really being my strong suit.

LIADRIN: I may know whose it is. You want to talk to the Wizard of Zhan.

GARROSH: The who now?

LIADRIN: The Wizard of Zhan! He’s a wise, mysterious mage who lives in the Dark Tower far away.

GARROSH: So this guy is pretty powerful?

LIADRIN: Extremely – they say there’s no end to what he can do.

GARONA: Let’s not get carried away now.

GARROSH: You know him?

GARONA: We’ve met.

GARROSH: So how do I get to him?

LIADRIN: The tower of Zhan is far to the east of Dustwallow, in the Pass of Dying Winds. Luckily for you, the eastward Gold Road will take you straight there.

Liadrin points to the yellow brick road beneath their feet.

GARROSH: Well that’s convenient.

GARONA: I can go with you, since I know the Wizard.

LIADRIN: You should get started – it’s a long trip, especially since you’ll be walking.

GARROSH: Screw walking, I’ve got my wyvern right here. I can just hop on and fly along the road.

GARONA: Great! I can get on behind you and hold onto you.

GARROSH: Okay, so walking it is. Grats on the dodged bullet, Mortimer.

GARONA: Fine.

LIADRIN: We’ll see you off! Good luck on your journey!

GARROSH: Hey, actually…you said this road leads right to Zhan?

LIADRIN: Yes, it does.

GARROSH: Even though there’s an ocean between here and there? Because we’re kind of on a different continent.

LIADRIN: Yes, but fortunately the road runs across the Willing Suspension Bridge of Disbelief.

GARROSH: Huh. Okay then. Off we go.

Garrosh, Garona, and Mortimer start to follow the road while the Mudsprockets gather behind them.

{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD}

GOBLINS:

You’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan.
We hear he’s sage: the mightiest mage
Who ever met mortal man.
If you seek some sorcery for your plan,
The Wizard’s your man, because he can –
He can, he can, he can, he can, he can.
He’ll have it all done before it began!
You’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan!

The curtains close.

{TO BE CONTINUED IN ACT 2}

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