welcome to paradise

I signed up for tropes_bingo!

coloredink — Wed, 03 Jul 2013 05:03:17 GMT

virginfic	mind control	au: crossover	au: fantasy	au: fusion
curtainfic	au: historical	genderswap	transformations	forbidden fruit
hurt / comfort	au: mundane	FREE ★ SPACE	meet the parents / family	fake relationship
au: alternate gender norms	character in distress	au: space	friends to lovers / friends with benefits	fuck or die
soul bonding / soulmates	sex pollen	au: other	kidfic	poor communication skills

Pretty delighted by this card. I expect to be writing BBC Sherlock fic for most or all of it, since that's how I roll these days, although I'm kind of amused by "poor communication skills." That's, like, every Sherlock fic, ya'll.

ink reads magic's price, part ii

coloredink — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 05:09:14 GMT

Aiite, I know it's been a while, but work was super cray. Like, I have so much OT racked up, you don't even know.

That's not important, though. What's important is that we're finally gonna find out how this all goes down.

(BTW, idk if I ever thanked ladyofthelog for making a trip to my house to, like, give me some books. That was really awesome.)

A link to part one, if you want to refresh your memory.

So, when we last left off, Vanyel and Stefan had finally consummated their burning desire for each other and we learned that Stefan is possibly Vanyel's reincarnated soulbond. The next morning, Vanyel has lots to think about, so he borrows a horse from the stables and goes for a ride on a horse that has more personality than a lot of Lackey's human characters. (She's touchy in the mouth and responds well to knee and neckrein; as soon as Vanyel stops for any reason, she starts stuffing her face with grass.)

On his way back to the stable, Vanyel's attacked by a rogue wizard! Of course, the rogue wizard's no match for Vanyel Demonsbane Shadowstalker or whatever the ballads call him, and Vanyel KOs him and discovers that, whoops, this wizard's one of the persecuted mages from out of Karse, who escaped into Valdemar and then went crazy because of all the vrondi watching him all the time. Vanyel feels kinda bad about that, but nothing to be done about it now, so he takes the wizard back to the priest at Forst Reach for dealing with.

Meanwhile, Stefan has been tapped to play for Vanyel's mother and her ladies-in-waiting in the garden, which goes well until a passing peasant tries to kill them. Wait, that's no passing peasant! That's...the wizard that Vanyel brought to the priest just now??? Vanyel shows up to battle the mage, which he has a lot more trouble with this time around for some reason, and takes a magical poisoned dagger in the shoulder for his troubles. The mage actually gets taken out by one of Vanyel's cousins, who's teaching a class at the time.

"I hope you were paying attention," Radavel said matter-of-factly. "If you get the value of surprise on a mage about to spellcast, that's the best way to take him. Get his attention and interrupt his magic, then rush him before he has a chance to redirect it. Go for his arms first--most of 'em seem to have to wave their arms around to get a spell off. If you can, you want to keep 'em alive for questioning."

That's not possible in this case because Yfandes is trampling the mage into a fine red paste. They get Vanyel inside, where Savil examines him and determines that the knife is casting a perpetual Sap spell on Vanyel, gradually depleting his HP, but fortunately Stefan mitigates some of the effects (having your lifebonded in battle with you casts perpetual Regen, maybe?). She can't deal with the knife on her own, despite being one of the greatest Herald-Mages in Valdemar, so she decides to go to the Tayledras, which is fine with me because I love it whenever she visits the mystical wise brown people with My Little Pony names in their mountain forest home.

Savil has a brief argument with Starwind and Moondance about whether or not they're going to come help; Vanyel can't Gate in his condition, but on the other hand the Tayledras are isolationist mystical wise brown people who never leave their secluded mountain forest home without great imperative. But they do eventually make up their minds to help Vanyel, because we still have half the book to go and there hasn't even been a showdown with an evil bishounen yet.

They remove the knife without much fuss, and also Starwind and Moondance determine with their mystical forest powers that Stefan really is Tylendel's reincarnation. Savil doesn't believe them, and they decide not to tell Vanyel in case it places some stress on the relationship. I have no idea why this is relevant.

They also deliver a nice little preachy speech to Vanyel's parents:

"It seems to me, Lord Withen," Starwind said finally, just before the long silence became too much to bear, "that a man's life must be judged by what he has done with it. Your son is a hero, not only to your people, but to ours, to the people of Baires and Lineas, even to some outside the Borders of your realm. Look at the good that he has done--and yet always within him is a deep and abiding hurt, because he feels that you have seen nothing of the good he has done, that you feel he is something evil and unclean."

What I think is weird about this spiel is that Vanyel's parents actually seem to have been coming around on their own. Like, they asked Vanyel to bring his special friend with him? They put them in the same room, even? Withen consulted with Vanyel on several personal and political matters? So...yeah?

Starwind and Moondance stick around until Vanyel get better, and then with Savil they work some magic on the Sap-dagger to figure out what was up with that crazy mage. Turns out he wasn't crazy; that was some kind of mind-disguise created by another, more powerful mage, who sent him here to assassinate Vanyel's parents. Vanyel convinces his parents to move to Haven, and there's a nice little farewell scene where Withen gives him a hug and tells Vanyel that it's okay that he's gay. Yay.

Stefan, of course, doesn't care that he's in danger by virtue of being Vanyel's boifurendo, but a few months later Vanyel has to go on a diplomatic mission to the neighboring country of Rethwellan, where they don't like gay people. For some reason he seems convinced that Stefan's going to break up with him over not being allowed to come.

"Of course I mind!" Stef replied, some of the anger Van had expected before this in his voice. "How can I not mind? But if there's one thing a Bard knows, it's how Heralds think. I've known all along that if you had to make a choice between me and your duty, I'd lose. It's just the way you are." His arms tightened around Vanyel's chest. "I don't like it," he continued quietly, "but I also don't like it that you can speak directly to my mind and I can't do the same to yours, and I'm learning to live with that, too. And you didn't answer me about how long you think you'll be gone."

I...what? How is Stefan "losing" to Vanyel's duty? That's like a wife thinking that she's "losing" her husband because he has to go on a business trip. Furthermore, Vanyel performing his duties is essential to their relationship; if this diplomatic mission fails, then Valdemar might very well be crushed in what imminent war looms on the horizon, and then it won't matter if they're lifebonded or not. This isn't some great emotional sacrifice; this is Relationships 101. Anyone over the age of 7 should be able to understand this.

Vanyel gets back from his business trip with a great treaty, and there's a few pages of Council meeting that are totally irrelevant to the plot of the rest of the book. (None of the setup with Karse has anything to do with the rest of the book. Maybe with another book, but not this one.) When Vanyel gets back to his quarters, Stefan has a gift for him: an amber necklace for Vanyel to use in his magic. Vanyel proceeds to look that gift horse in the mouth right away:

"Stefan," Van said in a strange, strained voice. "You have to tell me. Where--and more importantly, how--did you get this?"

"I didn't steal it!" Stefan exclaimed, stung.

"I didn't think you did, love--but there's no ordinary way you could afford something like this, and we both know it." Vanyel put the pendant back in the box and closed it. "I can't in good conscience wear this until I know."

Does Vanyel seriously think his boyfriend prostituted himself for a piece of jewelry? I can't even. Stefan, of course, earned it through legitimate means--by playing music, you know, the thing he does for a living, the thing he has a Gift for. And Stefan even feels bad! This relationship is more toxic than the waste pool outside of a factory farm.

Then someone starts killing the Herald-Mages, making them them look like accidents. One falls off his astronomy tower. Another has an alchemical accident. Finally the only one left is Savil, who's understandably paranoid. Vanyel shakes his head and clucks over his demented his old aunt has become, and goes and has sex with Stefan instead of strengthening her shields like she wanted. He resolves to do it in the morning, and so of course that night she dies: killed violently by something in her room, in what is in no way, shape, or form an accident. And thus Vanyel is, at last, THE LAST HERALD-MAGE.

Once he realizes that something murdered his dear old auntie, Vanyel spares no magical expense in finding what did it and who sent it. He finds the evil bird-thing hiding in a cave up north, drags it into the room with his brain, and then crushes it into a bloody pulp in order to send a message. Then he saddles up Yfandes, intending to ride into the snowy north to find the mage responsible. Stefan, of course, insists on coming too.

"I'm coming with you," he said stubbornly, moving away from the door and toward Vanyel. "If you won't take me with you, I'll follow you. If you set somebody to watch me, I'll get away somehow. If you won't let me stay with you, I'll ride an hour behind you." He stopped for a moment, then made the last two steps in a rush, taking Vanyel in his arms before he could evade the embrace. Vanyel held himself away, as stiffly as the night they first met, but Stef hid his face in Vanyel's jerkin anyway. "I don't care what you do," he said into Vanyel's shoulder, his cheek pressed tightly against the smooth leather. "I love you, and I'm following you. I don't care what happens to me, as long as I can be with you."

How can Vanyel say no to that much codependency? He can't, of course, and so thus begins a very long and uncomfortable journey where Vanyel hardly ever takes rest breaks and hardly ever talks to Stefan except to tell him to leave before things get even worse. Stefan sticks it out stubbornly, thinking about how different and cold Vanyel is. The situation uncomfortably parallels when Tylendel went crazed with revenge against the ones who killed his brother in the first book (and he dragged Vanyel down with him, if you'll recall), but I'm not sure Lackey's intelligent enough of a writer to have done this on purpose, and so I'm just left feeling very uncomfortable and incredulous.

Stefan does what Vanyel didn't do back then, though, which is that he finally calls Vanyel on it: it's not like their enemy is going anywhere, and he already knows they're coming, so what's the point of riding the poor horses into the ground? Yfandes is all but keeling over. Vanyel gets ready to turn this into a full-blown petty argument where you start bringing up in-laws and how the other person never unloads the dishwasher, but then they're attacked by dozens of brigands.

WARNING: RAPE AHEAD. LIKE, IN A REALLY SERIOUS WAY. IF THAT'S A TRIGGER FOR YOU, SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU SEE MORE BOLD TEXT LIKE THIS ONE.

Vanyel starts flinging fireballs. Stefan gets bucked off his horse and runs the fuck away from this scary-ass situation and hides in the forest. Then he realizes that he just left his boyfriend to get murdered by bandits and runs back, only to find poor Yfandes lying in the snow with her tail chopped off. Vanyel is gone.

At this point the POV changes to Damen, a boy who works for the brigands as some kind of servant. Vanyel's been incapacitated by some kind of magical Confuse powder that renders him conscious but helpless, and the bandits take this opportunity to kick him in the kidneys a few times. And gang-rape him. They tie him up with Yfandes' harness and even tie her tail on him somehow and take turns, calling him their "little white mare." I can't even think of anything funny to say because this is actually just terrible. Possibly also cheap emotional manipulation, but I can't tell the difference through all the aaauuugghh.

But it turns out that "Master Dark" wants Vanyel alive, so Damen's sent off to fetch their mob doctor. The mob doctor--who seems to be an all right fellow, aside from working for the mob--can't fix Vanyel because of this Confuse spell that's in the way, so he removes it.

Meanwhile, Stefan's figured out that Yfandes isn't dead, just paralyzed by some kind of dart. He removes it, and Yfandes surges to her feet and demands that Stefan get on her back. He does as he's told, because you don't fuck with magical talking horses, and she takes him to the bandits' hideout just in time for them to watch it blow up. Vanyel comes strolling out of the flames holding a bandit in one hand and almost forces the bandit to impale himself on his own sword before Stefan stops him.

OKAY YOU CAN PROBABLY START READING AGAIN NOW.

Now Vanyel starts going into shock, they're still in the middle of nowhere, and it's snowing. Fortunately, a talking wolf shows up to help.

Stef groped after a knife, his eyes fixed on the creature, his heart right in his throat. This beast--whatever it was--looked something like a wolf, but it was much bigger than any wolf Stef had ever heard of or seen. Its shoulder was as tall as his waist; it had a thin, rangy body with long legs, and a head with a very broad, rounded forehead, forward-facing eyes, and jaws--

Dear gods, that thing could bite my arm in half and never notice--

:I could, singer, but I won't.: The thing lolled out its tongue in a canine grin. :I see you recognize my Folk, white sister. Tell him.:

The talking wolf is a kyree, a species of sentient beings that are basically furry versions of the Tayledras. They're disposed to be friendly, partly because Vanyel's a friend of the Tayledras and partly because it's not like an evil wizard in the mountains is going to be nice to talking wolves, and so Stefan, Vanyel, and Yfandes are taken to shelter in the wolves' spa caves, where there are hot springs to bathe in and roots and berries to eat.

They've figured out what happened to Vanyel at this point. The wolf leader states the obvious that this is going to take healing. Or Healing, rather, because everything's easier with capital letters.

Stef finally blurted out what he'd been thinking since they met Aroon. "Lady--I don't think I can! I'm just a Bard, I don't know anything about--about Healing something like this! I--"

:You are one who loves, and is beloved,: she replied gravely. :That is not the answer to everything, but it will give you a beginning. You are a Bard, and you are practiced with words. Use that. Words can Heal--words and love together can more often achieve what magic cannot.:

That's it. Like, that's actually it. There's a page-long montage, sans dialogue, that shows time passing in a dreamlike fashion in the wolves' sunless cave. Stefan plays music for the wolves, has psychotherapy sessions with their leader, and takes long soaks in the hot springs with Vanyel. I have no idea what they do to put Vanyel back together, but whatever it is, it's over when Vanyel crawls into Stefan's bed of his own volition. THE POWER OF LOVE.

And then Vanyel is totally fine. This never comes up again.

(I did wonder how Lackey was going to resolve this trauma, because I could clearly see that there was all of 50 pages left in the book. And the answer is: in a totally incoherent and insulting fashion.)

They resume their search for the evil mage. It's still winter outside, so Vanyel wasn't incapacitated that long, either (ugh), and this whole thing seems to have made him less driven for revenge, anyway. They finally come to the icy pass that Vanyel recognizes from his dreams, and he senses that they're close. He does not send Stefan or Yfandes for help as soon as he realizes that the end is near. Instead they press through the pass, to see what's on the other side.

They mince through an avalanche danger to see a plain covered with stormtroopers on the other side of the pass. Instead of sending an avalanche down to block the pass, Vanyel sends Stefan for help on Yfandes, while he makes his way to a bottleneck where he plans to make his final stand.

Vanyel defeats several hundred stormtroopers and a few mages before "Master Dark," aka Leareth, finally makes his appearance. He is, of course, a beautiful bishounen who resembles Dark Vanyel, and this continues to beg to have a doujinshi drawn by CLAMP.

"You need not remain alone, Vanyel," Leareth continued, licking his lips sensuously. "You need only give over this madness--stretch out your hand to me, join me, take my Darkness to you. You will never be alone again. Think how much we could accomplish together! We are so very similar, we two, in our powers--and in our pleasures."

Leareth even suggests that he can bring Tylendel back to life, even though that doesn't make any sense because he's already reincarnated. Vanyel refuses, of course, and thinks that this is it, Leareth's gonna kill him--except that Yfandes comes roaring back. She used her magical talking horse powers to Haste herself and Stefan to the outpost, dumped him there, and then Hasted herself back. With her, Vanyel can cast Final Strike (yes, it's actually called Final Strike), sacrificing all of his remaining HP in order to deliver a critical hit on his foe.

By the time Stefan makes it back to the pass, there's nothing left except a lot of dead soldiers and a black spot where Vanyel and Yfandes used to be. And the amber pendant Stefan gave him. Cue falling to knees and sobbing in the wind as his hair falls prettily over his face.

A few months later, Stefan arrives in the Forest of Sorrows, not too far from where Vanyel died; this forest has apparently been killing bandits and other unfriendly folks, like nature's started guarding Valdemar's northern border. Weird! That's not what he's here to investigate, though. Actually, he's escaped his suicide watch and came here with a vial of poison to do himself in, Romeo and Juliet style. But something stops him.

Van.

A much younger-looking Vanyel. And a very transparent Vanyel. stef could see the bushes behind him quite clearly--

Before he had a chance to feel even a hint of fear, Van smiled--the all-too-rare, sweet smile Stef had come to cherish in their time together--a smile of pure love, and real, unshadowed happiness.

Vanyel and Yfandes are part of the forest now, guarding Valdemar's northern border, and Stefan has an important job to do: see, Vanyel really was the last Herald-Mage, because Leareth was somehow managing to kill mages when they were still babies and children, before they grew up to become mages. I don't know why now that Leareth is dead there won't be more mage babies born, but details! The point is that Stefan has to tell everyone that ordinary Heralds are just as good and important as Herald-Mages. Just because they have plain old telekinesis or healing powers instead of the ability to fling fireballs doesn't make them not as cool, capische? And Stefan has to convince people of that and then die of old age before he can be with Vanyel.

So Stefan does just that, and the epilogue depicts a doddering old Stefan wandering off into the woods and never coming out.

To this day, that gittern is grown into the tree it leaned against then, the goldenoak's roots entwined around its strings in a gentle embrace, and there are bright days, when the winds whisper through the trees, that the Forest of Sorrows seems the most inappropriate name possible.

There's an appendix of songs in the back, because Lackey at least had the sense to not include all her hobbit and elf ballads in the text of the book itself. I'm going to include the lyrics to one of them here, because I love you all just that much.

MAGIC'S PRICE

Every year Companions Choose, as they have done before,
The Chosen come with shining hopes to learn the Herald's lore.
And every year the Heralds sigh, and give the same advice--
"All those who would hold Magic's Power must then pay Magic's Price."

Oh there was danger in the North--that's all that Vanyel knew.
An enemy of power dark sought Heralds out--then slew.
But only those with Magic's Gift were slain by silent rage--
Till Vanyel of them all was left the only Herald-Mage.

Yes, from the North the danger came, beyond the Border far--
The Forest did not stay Dark Death, nor did the mountains bar.
And Vanyel cried--"We die, my liege, and know not why nor where!
So send me North, my King, that I may find the answers there!"

Then North went Vanyel--not alone, though, 'twas of little aid
A Bard was like to be to him; and Stefan was afraid--
He feared that he would fail the quest, a burden prove to be--
Dared not let Vanyel go alone to face dark sorcery.

So out beyond the Border there, beyond the forest tall,
Into the mountains deep they went that stood an icy wall--
To find the wall had cracked and found there was a passage new,
A path clean cut that winding ran a level course and true.

This path was wrought by magecraft; Vanyel knew that when he saw
The mountains hewn by power alone, a power he felt with awe--
But to what purpose? Something moved beyond them on the trail;
They watched and hid--and what they found there turned them cold and pale.

An army moved in single file, by magic cloaked and hid--
An army moved on Valdemar that marched as they were bid--
A darker force than weaponry controlled the men and place,
For Vanyel looked--and VAnyel knew an ancient evil's face.

Then VAnyel turned to Stefan, and he told the Bard to ride
To warn the folk of Valdemar--"They call me Magic's Pride.
It's time I earned the name--now go! I'll hold this army back
Until the arms of Valdemar can counter their attack."

So Stefan rode, and so it is no living tongue can tell
How Vanyel fought, nor what he wrought, nor how the Herald fell.
The Army came--but not in time to save the Herald-Mage,
Although the pass was scorched and cracked by magic power's rage.

They fought the Dark Ones back although they came on wave by wave.
No trace they found of Vanyel, nor of his Companion brave--
They only found the focus-stone, the gift of Stefan's hand--
Now blackened, burned, and shattered by the power that saved their land.

They only found the foemen who into the woods had fled
And each one by unseen, uncanny powers now lay dead.
As if the Forest had somehow bestirred itself that day--
Had Vanyel with his dying breath commanded trees to slay?

And still the forest of the North guards Valdemar from harm--
For Vanyel's dying curse is stronger far than mortal arm.
And every year the Chosen come, despite the old advice--
"All those who would be Magic's Pride must then pay Magic's Price."

ink reads...magic's promise!

coloredink — Mon, 11 Feb 2013 04:28:52 GMT

Aaaaanndd we're back with yet another installment of Ink Reads Bad Fantasy So That You Don't Have To! I'm sad to report that this one was less lolarious, but I think we can still have a good time.

Let's start with the first sentence again!

The blue leather saddlebags and a canvas pack, all bulging with filthy clothing and miscellaneous gear, landed in the corner of Vanyel's room with three dull thuds.

So, there's been a timeskip. Vanyel's 28 years old, a full-fledged Herald-Mage second only to the King's Own in rank, and he's just gotten back from a year-long tour of duty on the border where, presumably, he saw people die a lot. In really nasty and magical ways. But instead of taking a nap like any reasonable person, he has to go visit everybody for some exposition! First he visits his aunt and mentor Savil and convinces her to follow him home for a visit to his dear old family, which he still remembers from the POV of a tortured 15-year-old instead of as a reasonable adult with, like, adult powers. Then he visits King Randale and his lifebonded consort Shavri, and their daughter Jisa, who Vanyel fathered.

Yup, Vanyel's daughter! Vanyel's such a giver, he gives his dick so that people can start families. Here's how, if you want the gory details:

:Of course I like her!: he answered--again, just a shade too quickly. :She and Randale--they're friends; how could I have told them no?: He shied away from examining his feelings too closely. :Besides, it was never anything more than a--physical exercise for either of us. No more involved for me, certainly, than dancing. Shavri being a Healer, she could make sure she "caught" the first time. Neither of us were emotionally involved, or ever likely to be.

Wait, what does her being a Healer have to--what do you mean "caught"--I--so does she move the sperm to--you know what, never mind.

You may have noticed in the passage above that Vanyel might have feelings for Shavri, which would be awkward because he's gay and she has a vagina, not to mention that she's lifebonded to the King. (Lifebonding is fancy Mercedes Lackey speak for one-and-only when-one-of-us-dies-so-does-the-other type stuff.) What is this deep affection he holds for another human being? Does he love her? Does that mean he's not gay? But he was totally in love with Tylendel!

He's still carrying a torch for Tylendel after all these years, BTW, and besides porking his friends and fathering preternaturally beautiful and Gifted children, he's basically been celibate because nobody will ever replace this boy of summer from his teen years. But he's still convinced that everyone hates him because he's gay, and not because he's a super duper powerful Mage who's like, got five times the power of anything else. People couldn't possibly be intimidated by that.

Also, Vanyel's friend Tantras introduces us to the word shaych, which is the new and happenin' slang word in Valdemar these days. Everyone's using it now! Thank God, because shay'a'chern is really annoying to type. I always add an extra apostrophe to the end and then have to delete it.

So, Vanyel rides back to Forst Reach, where he hasn't spent any prolonged amount of time since he was 15, and is surprised when everything's different and people treat him differently. His father wants advice from him! His brothers are grown up and married and some of them have kids! The old armsmaster that broke his arm wants to spar and learn some new moves! His mother...is exactly the same! Also, there's some drama across the border because someone's disinherited his eldest son because he might be a bastard or something, who knows, who cares, not Vanyel. Vanyel's got 99 problems: he's super lonely because nobody understands that his one true love died when he was 15, he has to start sleeping in the stable because his mother keeps putting naked women in his bed in an attempt to turn him straight, and also his 12-year-old nephew Medren is this skinny, waifish little thing who wants to be a rock star. And he actually has the Bardic Gift! And he comes to Vanyel's room in the middle of the night and--

Medren colored even more. "I--V-Vanyel, if you could--if you would--teach me? Please? I'll--" He coughed, and lowered his eyes, now turning a red so bright it was painful to look at. "I'll do anything you like. Just teach me."

Not to worry: Vanyel may be shaych, but he doesn't have sex with children, because, you know, gay men are not synonymous with pedophiles. He sets Medren straight on the matter and goes to tell his dad that the kid needs to go to rock star school, and then has it out with his dad because as soon as he walks into Withen's study with a blushing 12-year-old boy, Withen assumes the worst.

"Why, Van?" Withen's voice sounded half-strangled. "Why? What in hell did I do wrong?"

"Nothing! Everything! I don't know!" Vanyel cried out, his words trembling in the air, a tragic song tortured from the strings of a broken lute. "Why am I Gifted? Why am I anything? Maybe it's something I was born with. Maybe the gods willed it. Maybe it's nothing more than the fact that the only person I'll ever love happened to be born into the same sex body that I was!" Grief knotted his throat and twisted his voice further. "All I know is that I am this way, and nothing is going to change that. And I care for my father, and nothing is going to change that. And if you can't believe in me, in my sense of honor--oh gods, Father--"

You go, Vanyel: you were born this way.

Savil finally shows up, which is fortunate because more firepower is about to be needed. Vanyel and his Companion Yfandes feel something horrible happen in the middle of the night---something involving a Companion! So they ride all night and get to Highjorune just in time to see a Herald whipping a Companion that's got a boy on its back, while a bunch of armsmen stand around and watch. What the fu--

Vanyel puts a stop to that right quick. Turns out that whoops, the Herald didn't think that was actually a Companion; he thought it was a demon the boy summoned, on account of the boy is clearly full of demons. Look inside the palace if you don't believe me! Those stains used to be people! The boy was the only one left alive and he doesn't remember what happened, so it must have been him! Companions don't Choose murderers! Never mind that the Herald's own Companion almost passed out from shame because her Herald is dumb as a box of rocks and never learned anything in Herald school.

Oh yeah, the kid's that disinherited son that was mentioned a few paragraphs back. He's 16 years old and looks just like Tylendel! That's not going to be a problem at all.

A pitchfork-wielding mob outside starts banging out the door demanding the boy, so Vanyel shoves the too-dumb-to-live Herald outside to deal with them, flings up a shield around the palace to keep people from dicking with the evidence, and Gates himself and the boy Tashir the hell out of there. Of course this puts him into a coma for like three days, and when he wakes up he learns a few things about Tashir:

1. He's afraid of women between the ages of 18 and 35.

2. But he likes Jervis the armsmaster for some reason.

3. When he's upset he makes things float with his brain.

4. He doesn't remember anything about the night the palace exploded and turned everyone inside into tomato paste.

Boy, I sure hope we solve this mystery!

Vanyel decides that he's going to sneak back into Highjorune in the guise of traveling minstrel Valdir and try to figure out what's been going on. That part's no problem, and he even manages to find a berth at a pub in the red light district that appears to be run by a butch lesbian:

If she was less than six feet tall, Valdir would have been surprised. The sleeves of her sweat-stained linen shirt were rolled up almost to the shoulder, leaving bare arms of corded muscle Jervis would have envied. She wore breeches rather than skirts, which may have been a practical consideration, since enough materials to make her a skirt would have made a considerable dent in a lean clothing budget. Her graying brown hair was cut shorter than Valdir's. And no one would ever notice her face--not when confronted with the scar that ran from left temple to right jawbone.

After two weeks, Vanyel-as-Valdir manages to find out is that the Lineas are, like, really fucked up, and where they're not fucked up, just kinda weird. Like, they really hate mages and magic for some reason, even though the city is built on a place of incredible magical power, and the palace is sitting right in the middle. Ylana, Tashir's mom, was only 14 when she was given over by the Mavelans as part of an alliance marriage. She gave birth to Tashir a suspicious (because nobody ever gives birth prematurely, I guess) 8 months later, and then Tashir turned out to look nothing like his dad at all--and actually more closely resembles Tashir's uncle Vedric, his mother's half-brother. Not only are those implications totally gross, but as Tashir grew older and more attractive, Tashir's own mother tried to get herself some of that hot teenage dick. The reason he likes Jervis is because Jervis reminds him of some guy in the palace who was basically the only person who was nice to him.

So that whole situation totally wins Fucked Up Incest Bingo. Tashir wasn't really bothered by the disinheritance, but then his dad informed him that he was going to be sent to live with the scary scary Mavelans, and then the palace conveniently exploded.

Having heard enough, Vanyel runs back to Forst Reach, where...absolutely nothing has happened. Then he realizes it's the 12-year anniversary of Tylendel's death, and he goes to sulk on the porch for a while. He even conjures up an illusion of his dead boyfriend and cries when he puts his hand right through it. Then Tashir comes to see what he's up to.

Okay, so I have to say that one thing that baffles/amuses me about Lackey's writing is that all of her characters are shockingly good at talking about their feelings. Like, everyone's super self-aware and practices nonviolent communication! Remember when I said above that the old armsmaster that broke Vanyel's arm wanted to spar and learn some new tricks? Oh boy, was there a conversation about that one, as in, they got drunk and talked about their feelings and Jervis apologized to Vanyel for having been a fathead.

This time, though, Vanyel's so upset about Tylendel that he basically just grabs Tashir and spells him into telling the truth, which basically matches up with what he learned in Highjorune, so I'm not really sure what the point of that was. Tashir's crying and pleading and Vanyel just keeps pushing him, telling him he's going to give Tashir up to the Mavelans, and Tashir keeps floating stuff with his brain, until finally Vanyel's satisfied that Tashir's not going to turn him into jam. This all happens in half a page of really awful telling vs. showing:

It took him the better part of a candlemark to revive Tashir. It took longer than that to convince him that although it might be the wisest thing to do, it was not the course of action that Vanyel intended to take. The youngster was totally terrified of being sent into Mavelan hands, yet even under the stress of this absolute terror, his Gift manifested at no higher level than before.

Eventually Tashir believed him when he told the younger that he would continue to shelter him, to try to find out what had really happened.

And then, when the young man had settled a little, he began the questioning again.

Finally Vanyel drops everything, apologizes to Tashir, and waits for the kid to leave. But for some reason, possibly because he's a masochist or maybe just stupid, or maybe because Lackey needed a conversational foil, Tashir doesn't leave: he wants to hear about Vanyel's old boyfriend. Vanyel can't believe that Tashir wants to make everything about him, because after all,

He fought the words past the grief. "--lost somebody I loved more than anyone else on earth. He was my lifebonded, and I will be without him for the rest of my life. You're not the only one in the world who's alone! You're not the only one who's suffered!"

Yes Vanyel, because losing your first boyfriend is totally the same as being accused of killing your entire family with your brain.

Vanyel goes on to summarize the events of the first book for Tashir and weeps manly tears onto the backs of his hands, and finally Tashir says what we've all been thinking:

"I'm probably saying things I shouldn't, but you said it yourself, Vanyel. It's been twelve years. Don't you think that's an awful long time to be holding on to a memory so tightly that it strangles you?"

And finally Tashir leaves, and Vanyel realizes that he's been a dick.

Vanyel, Savil, Jervis, and Tashir go back to Highjorune--in disguise again--partly because nobody will think to look for Tashir in his own hometown, and partly because they want to take a look at the Palace, which is still sealed off behind Vanyel's shields. Why Vanyel didn't just investigate it himself last time he was there I don't know; probably he's just a shitty detective. Tashir is surprisingly cool about being dragged back to where everyone thinks that he murdered his family and revisiting his family's bloodstains. They manage to slip back inside the palace, behind Vanyel's shields (which are still there, although someone's obviously been hammering at them), but they won't have much time before Tashir's evil uncle Vedric, who's in town, figures out what's going on.

It turns out that the palace is actually built on top of a Tayledras heartstone. Remember those guys? The awesome Hawkbrothers who're good at magic and not homophobic at all and in touch with nature and shit? Yeah, turns out ages ago they used to live here. Usually they don't leave active heartstones behind, but in this case the heartstone's trying to heal a fault line left behind by the Mage Wars; if the heartstone's drained, a huge earthquake will cause ~~California~~ Highjorune and its surrounding territories to fall into a hole. That's why the Lineas hate magic and forbid its use: they were tasked with guarding the heartstone, hundreds of years ago, and that means letting it keep all its magic. The Mavelans found out about it and want to use it for their own nefarious purposes, never mind the earthquakes, and they left a spell-trapped dagger in the guest room to summon demons to come and eat everyone in the palace when the time was right.

They figure this out just as Vedric shows up to break the door down. Oh, surprise: he looks just like a grownup Tylendel, only evil! Does Vanyel ever fight anyone who's not blindingly handsome? Anyway, Savil and Tashir Gate out of there in a hurry, leaving Vanyel and Jervis to face off against Vedric, although what an old mercenary expects to do against an evil wizard I don't know. Vanyel and Vedric throw lightning at each other for a while, until Vanyel realizes that he's going to have to use the power of the heartstone to defeat Vedric, because he's got the entire Mavelan family helping him out. He does, reducing Vedric--and presumably all the Mavelans--to a pile of ash (which was actually kinda cool), but then the palace starts falling down because, you know, earthquakes. He manages to fling up a Gate, and Jervis drags Vanyel through just before the palace comes down on their heads like one of those evil overlord castles that always collapses after the villain dies. Fortunately, Vedric put up a shield to keep Vanyel from escaping that limits the earthquake to just the palace, so the rest of Highjorune is safe, I guess, even though that is not how earthquakes work at all.

But as soon as Jervis and Vanyel get through the gate, the priest at Forst Reach shanks Vanyel! For being gay! Oh, no, actually it's because he's possessed. Jervis knocks him out with a chair and yells for a Healer, but Vanyel's already going toward the light.

He was standing. The pain was gone.

So was the wound. The strange Herald still held his hand, but about them was--nothing. Only a kind of peaceful, tranquil gray emptiness.

The stranger's face was still shadowed--except for the eyes, a blazing glory of sapphires and light, a light never seen in Vanyel's world.

That's Death, who to Vanyel appears as a really hot dude, because you might as well see one nice thing before you die, I guess. It turns out that because Vanyel's so important, he gets to have a choice: he can die now and be at peace, or he can go back and suffer a lifetime of pain and loneliness in order to save Valdemar. Because he now realizes that he has friends and people who love him and that being single is not the same as being FOREVER ALONE--and because this is the second book in a trilogy--Vanyel picks the second option.

But he doesn't have to go back right this second. He can stay here and make out with Death for a little bit.

There was a whisper of sound, and a feather-light touch on his jaw. He opened his eyes, and Death's hand lifted his chin so that his gaze again met those beautiful eyes. There were tears in Death's eyes, tears that matched his own, and a tender, sorrowful smile on Death's lips.

"I have never been so grieved--and so glad--to lose," he said, and touched his lips to Vanyel's. Their tears mingled on his lips as Vanyel closed his eyes; he tasted them in the kiss, his own salt, bitter tears--and Death's sweet--

Strong arms closed about him, supporting him, holding him against a comforting shoulder, as Death held him with all the sensitivity of the lover that He could be.

Then Vanyel goes back and immediately gets a diplomatic problem dropped in his convalescing lap: Tashir, as the only living Lineas/Mavelan, is now technically King, but he doesn't want to be King, and he can't anyway because he's a Herald--he was chosen by a Companion, remember? (We never even learned that Companion's name, so you'd be forgiven for forgetting.) Vanyel manages to pull a solution out of his ass, mostly by sending half of the overcrowded Forst Reach to Highjorune to act as a Council, and the book ends with Jervis thanking Vanyel for saving the day, and also for some reason trying to find out how much hot sex Vanyel has had.

"It's been so damned long that both you and those damned sheep in Long Meadow are starting to look good!"

Jervis gave him a long, thoughtful look, and Vanyel wondered if he'd said too much, too freely. He tried to ready an apology--when Jervis gave him a long, slow grin.

"Stick to the sheep," the armsmaster advised impudently. "They don't snore."

And you'd know, eh Jervis?

D:

coloredink — Sat, 02 Feb 2013 21:29:23 GMT

I just discovered that my library doesn't have a copy of Book Three of the Last Herald-Mage Trilogy at all! The first two books, but not the last one! CUUURRRSSEEEESSS welp better start searching the used bookstores.

Also, Book Three apparently won a Lambda Literary Award? Huh. Who knew.

insert witty subject line here

coloredink — Sat, 02 Feb 2013 05:32:55 GMT

So I've been going to the library a lot and reading a lot of really good prizewinning literature, stuff like The Book Thief by Michael Zusak and The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon and it was all great but also really heavy. So then I decided that I really needed a break from all this heavy and prizewinning literature, and then call_me_ishmael suggested that I read The Last Herald-Mage trilogy, by Mercedes Lackey. Because I have very little good sense, I thought that this seemed like a great idea.

So this is your fault, call_me_ishmael.

I'll start by saying that I read quite a bit of Mercedes Lackey when I was a teenager, although I omitted The Last Herald-Mage trilogy for some reason, despite it being well-known as formative reading for every slash-writer during the 90s. So I had some very vague memories of, like, talking horses and telepathy being in :italics with colons around it, like this: and also of Lackey being really preachy about her liberal/progressive politics, or something. In other words, it's not like I went into this totally unprepared for how trashy this was gonna be.

Let's start with the first sentence:

"Your grandfather," said Vanyel's brawny, fifteen-year-old cousin Radavel, "was crazy."

First off, I'd like to know why LJ doesn't have a blockquote button. Second, I guess I approve of starting off with dialogue in general, because I approve of starting in medias res, but then this goes into a really boring description of how complicated the Keep is, architecturally, and I just don't care. Actually, I skipped a few pages.

I skipped a lot of pages while reading this book.

Vanyel, it turns out, is a whiny 15-year-old kid of vaguely noble blood who's supposed to be the heir to his father's estate, only he doesn't want to be Lord of a fiefdom, he wants to be a rock star. No, seriously; he wants to be a Bard. His father's armsmaster breaks his arm during a practice bout, so Vanyel conveniently gets to spend a month hiding from everyone while his arm heals and whining in italicized thoughts about how everyone here is such a meanie poopoo head.

To be fair, the armsmaster does seem like a bit of a jerk, but Vanyel is also seriously a whining whiner who doesn't want any responsibility:

I don't want them looking at me like that! I don't want to be responsible for their lives! He shuddered again. I wouldn't know what to do in a drought or an invasion, and what's more, I don't care! Gods, they make my skin crawl, all those people--people, eating me alive with their eyes--

I guess I cut him some slack for being 15, but Jesus. At the end of the first chapter, we find out that Vanyel's father is planning to send him away to study with his aunt, a Herald-Mage named Savil. Hooray! Vanyel is one step closer to finally getting his very own talking horse!

So Vanyel literally spends all of chapter two crying about how he's going to be sent away, but we get his POV helpfully explained by an 18-year-old outsider named Joserlin, who explains to Vanyel's brothers that the armsmaster really is a jerk and poor Vanyel isn't stuck-up, he's just a scaredy-cat who puts on airs. Joserlin is then promptly never heard from again, so Mercedes Lackey is 1. so insecure about her characterization that she has to use one-time minor cast members to explain their inner worlds, and 2. apparently doesn't understand conservation of cast. (Sorry, Lackey. I hope you're not reading this. Then again, you wrote this book over 20 years ago and are probably quite financially comfortable, so what do you care about my opinion?)

However, on the day of, Vanyel responds by putting on his best black riding leathers, insisting on taking his lute, and demanding that he ride his own horse to Haven. At this point I began to think that this book would make a rather good anime. I mean, check this out:

Vanyel patted the proudly arched neck of his Star, a delicately-boned black palfrey with a perfect white star down her nose. He ignored his father for a long moment, giving him a chance to absorb the sight of his son on his spirited little blood-mare instead of the homely old pony. Then he nudged Star toward the end of the yard where Lord Withen stood; by his stunned rexpression, once again taken by surprise. She picked her way daintily across the gravel, making very little sound, like a remnant of night-shadow in the early morning light. Vanyel had had all her tack dyed the same black as his riding leathers, and was quite well aware of how striking they looked together.

Studio Madhouse, get on this shit!

Meanwhile, in Haven:

Tylendel, a tall, strikingly attractive, dark blond Herald-trainee of about sixteen, frowned with concentration as he considered Savil's question.

VANYEL'S FUTURE BOIFURENDO. CALLING IT NOW.

Vanyel spends the journey to Haven throwing himself a pity-party, including a scene where he gets hit on by a maid/prostitute at an inn, panics and throws her out of the room, and then gets drunk while wondering why he doesn't like girls. When he finally gets to Haven, Vanyel discovers that he will never ever ever be a rock star, because he doesn't have the Gift with a capital G, which is a magic thing. Predictably, this sends him into a deep pit of despair, which he alleviates by making himself pretty and going to Court.

He forgot all his apprehensions about being thought a country bumpkin; all he could think of now was the admiration his wit and looks used to draw at the infrequent celebrations that brought the offspring of several Keeps and Holdings together. He needed a dose of that admiration, and needed its sweetness as an antidote to the bitterness of failure.

He flung himself off the bed and rummaged in his wardrobe for an appropriately impressive outfit; he settled for a smoky gray velvet as suiting his mood and his flair for the dramatic.

So Vanyel is basically a teenage girl, which I realize is a sexist/misogynistic thing to say, but it does explain why so many teenage girls like this book.

However, while at court, Vanyel learns from some fine young ladies that Tylendel is--you guessed it--

"Shay'a'chern," supplied Cress. "It's some outland tongue."

"What's it mean?" Vanyel asked.

Reva giggled, and whispered, "That he doesn't like girls. He likes boys. Lucky boys!"

Mind. Blown.

I will say that I was kind of baffled here that the Valdemarans don't seem to have a word in their own tongue for teh homos. I'm no linguist/anthropologist, but surely any culture that even has a concept of homosexuality--and I don't mean our modern-day concept of people of the same sex/gender who want to, like, form life partnerships and raise families together, but even just, you know, the act of boning someone with the same plumbing--has a word for it. Maybe Lackey was trying to make a point here that homophobia is so embedded in Valdemaran culture that they don't even have a word for it, but I should think even cultures that don't approve of it have a word for it, if only to describe why they're stoning you to death.

I would've been more annoyed at the presence of homophobia in a fantasy book solely as a soapbox for an author to preach from, except that this book was published in 1991, when that was possibly kind of progressive. Also, I don't have any memory of societal homophobia being present in any of the other books I read, so possibly it was just this one, where Lackey was trying to make a point.

Anyway, it turns out Tylendel has a crush on Vanyel too, and literally 20 pages later, they end up in bed. Not without a little resistance of course, since Tylendel has had his heart broken before.

"Then dammit, Vanyel, what do you think I'm made of?" Tylendel cried harshly, his face twisted and his eyes reflecting internal pain. "What do you think I am? Marble? You're beautiful, you're bright, you're everything I'd every ask for--you think I can stay here and not want you? Good gods, I won't take advantage of an innocent, but what you're asking of me would try the control of a saint!"

"You don't understand, I know what I'm asking," Vanyel replied, catching his wrist again before he could get up and stalk off into the dark. "I do know."

Tylendel shook his head violently and looked away.

At this point I was smiling at the pages I read, not because I was thoroughly enjoying myself or I approved of what was going on; picture instead the helpless, affection that spreads across one's face as they're watching a toddler do something stupid.

Savil finds out almost immediately because she has mindreading powers. (No, actually, she does.) Tylendel seems remarkably unfazed to be caught in the act by his teacher/mentor, and Savil is thrilled because maybe this means Vanyel will stop being such a twit. She does admonish them, however, that they have to keep it a secret because of reasons, and so Vanyel and Tylendel pretend to hate each other in public and even stage a mudfight.

:Oh, probably I'll make it a major confrontation, with as many witnesses as possible. But not with blades, teacher-love; he's too good for me, and we figured he should lose so he gets the sympathy of his flock of doves. Bare-handed, we think. Wrestling; we'll try to keep fists out of it as much as possible too. We had some vague notion of trying it the next time it rains, in the mud. It should be lots of fun.:

He also rips off Vanyel's shirt, "for verisimilitude." Savil takes the opportunity to ground Vanyel and keep him in his room, where presumably he and Tylendel have as much sex as is physically possible for two teenage boys.

Hilarious as this was, it irritated me from a writing standpoint because Tylendel explains the plan to his teacher first, via Mindspeech--as illustrated by the italics and bracketing colons in the above quote--which actually led me to believe that it wasn't going to happen, like maybe they'd be found out first or lighting would strike or whatever. Then, a bare three pages later, it actually did happen, and I was like...what? So why did you explain the plan to me first? Wouldn't it have been more surprising and effective if you'd just...DONE IT? Would've saved me three pages of reading, anyway.

So, things are great, Tylendel introduces Vanyel to his talking horse Companion, Gala, they profess their love for each other (no, they actually do; Vanyel says he'd die for Tylendel), and Gala says she'd love to watch them have sex sometime (no, she actually does; she tells Tylendel that she wants to "eavesdrop" via Mindspeech sometime, but Tylendel refuses because he doesn't want to share Vanyel). At this point I'm pretty sure that Tylendel is going to die, because there's no way this relationship is going to be so sickeningly perfect for two more books.

Vanyel also gets a great letter from his mom. No, it's actually great:

Dearest Son: I Pray with all my Heart that this finds you Well, and that you were not Hurt by that Brutal Boy. I Feared that something of this Nature would Occur from the Instant your Father Told me of this Foolish Scheme and have had Dark and Fell Dreams from he moment you Departed. Savil is plainly Not To Be Relied Upon to keep her Creatures in Order. I pray you, do not Provoke the Barbarian further; I am endeavoring to Persuade your Father to fetch you Home Again, but thus far it is All In Vain.

It's twice as long as that, but you get the idea. A genuinely funny moment in this book.

At this point, we're fed some info about a blood-feud that's occurring between Tylendel's family, the Frelennyes, and the Lesharas. The Frelennyes killed a Leshara, the Lesharas retaliated by killing a Frelennye, you know how it goes. Tylendel's not allowed to interfere because he's a Herald-in-training, but his twin brother, Staven, with whom he has a deep bond, wants him to interfere, ta-yada. This becomes relevant when Vanyel and Tylendel are sitting under a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, and Tylendel suddenly goes berserk and then passes out. Turns out he just felt his twin brother get assassinated. I was honestly surprised at this point, because I expected Staven to turn evil and be the villain of the book. Evil twin seemed par for the course, but I guess not.

When Tylendel wakes up, he's consumed by the desire for revenge, which Vanyel goes along with because he just Loves Tylendel That Much, and not because he's codependent or anything. He helps Tylendel steal a magic book, agrees to let Tylendel use his energy to fuel a magic Gate that'll teleport them to the Lesharas, and at no point seems to wonder whether or not he should tattle. They do manage to pull off the Gate, and Tylendel summons some monsters to kill the Lesharas, whereupon Gala shows up to wreck everything.

"Gala!" Tylendel cried in anguish, his voice breaking yet again. "Gala! Don't--"

She turned her head just enough to look him fully in the eyes--and Vanyel heard her mental reply as it rang through Tylendel's mind and heart and splintered his soul.

:I do not know you: she said coldly, remotely. :You are not my Chosen:

Ohhhhh buuuurrrn.

Gala then proceeds to charge the magical beasties that Tylendel just summoned. They tear her to pieces, but not before she takes one down with her (it was actually a pretty good scene, and a little heartbreaking; I wasn't expecting Lackey to really go there). Some actual Heralds show up to save the day, dispersing the summon monsters--though not before one of them actually kills a Leshara--and rescuing a very shocked Tylendel and Vanyel. Vanyel explains as best he can what happened, they go back through the Gate, but when Savil tries to shut the Gate down, it fries Vanyel. Meanwhile, Tylendel breaks free, runs up a belltower, and throws himself to his death.

Of course everyone's totally stricken by what just happened, and in the confusion Vanyel somehow manages to run away, fall in a stream, and crawl to safety on the other side, where he's found by a Companion, and halle-fucking-lujah, Vanyel finally gets his very own talking horse. It's about goddamn time.

That's hardly the end of Vanyel's problems, of course. He's eventually found and rescued, sick with fever and also, apparently, every magical power except Healing, because that would just be too convenient.

Each channel she tested--with the exception of Healing--was open; most of them had been forced open to their widest extent. The boy had Mindspeech, Fetching, FarSight, ForeSight, as much Empathy has Tylendel had shown, even enough Firestarting to ensure he'd never need to use a tinderbox again, and the all-important Mage-Gift. His Mindspeech was even of both types, Thought-sensing and Projecting.

He even has the Bardic Gift! Hahaha funny. Too bad Vanyel can't control any of it, and also he's still Kentucky Fried Mind from the Gate (which is presumably what gave him all this magic in the first place), so really he's just a danger to everyone in a 5 mile radius. Also, he's convinced Tylendel being dead is his fault and that everyone hates him--especially when he accidentally psychically eavesdrops on a homophobe sitting by his bed. This actually leads him to crawl out of bed, enlist his new talking horse's help in getting him to the place where Tylendel is lying in state, and actually tries to slash his wrists using Tylendel's dagger, Romeo and Juliet style. Fortunately, he's rescued before he actually bleeds to death (it helps that he actually doesn't know how to slash his wrists correctly: remember kids, it's 'down the road,' not 'across the street'!)

After that they just start keeping Vanyel drugged with a fantasy version of morphine. Okay, it's not actually just to keep him from offing himself; Vanyel's new powers means that sometimes he tries to destroy the entire city when he's having a nightmare, and none of the Heralds really know what to do other than let him use his talking horse as a pillow, because she makes him feel better. Vanyel's father and sister come to visit at one point, and we get this kind of cool scene:

Twice more Withen tried to get to his feet, and twice more Vanyel flung him back. He was crying now, silent, unnoticed tears streaking his white cheeks. "How's it feel, Father? Am I strong enough now? How's it feel t' get knocked down an' stepped on by somethin' you can't reason with an' can't fight? You happy? I'm as big a bully as J-J-Jervis now--does that make you bloody happy?"

Which just goes to show you, even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

However, Vanyel isn't getting any better; he's just getting addicted to morphine. At a loss, Savil finally decides to take him to see the Tayledras, her wise brown friends who live in the mountain forests.

I was actually super stoked about this, because I remembered really liking the Tayledras when I was a teenager. They were wise brown people (or possibly wise yellow or red people; they always struck me as being kind of Native American in nature, and I'll leave you to mull over cultural appropriation in fantasy settings) who lived in the forest, talked to birds, lived in balance and harmony with nature, and were totally accepting of the homosexual lifestyle. So basically they're perfect, and I wanted to see if they were what I remembered.

But before I can get to that, I have to share this really irritating bit of writing:

"So why else don't you like Gating?" Andrel asked, while the Field around them glowed under the sun.

"Because when I get there, I'm going to be pretty damned worthless," she replied dryly. "And I'd better hope the Talisman performs the way Starwind claimed it was supposed to, or we'll be a pretty pathetically helpless pair, Vanyel and I."

"Why don't you do what Tylendel did, use someone else's energy?"

"Because I don't really know what he did."

Andrel is another Herald-Mage, at least Savil's equal, and he's asking her questions that he probably knows the answers to because he must have learned them in the same wizard-school. This conversation existed solely for Lackey to impart information that her reader already inferred (at least, I had), never mind that it was out of character and made her characters look stupid. But after that thoroughly unimpressive exchange, Savil and Vanyel finally get going, along with their talking horses (Vanyel's tied to his saddle), and Savil uses a magic talisman to let her friends know that she's in the neighborhood.

The sword of ice, she had called him when she'd first seen him. Flowing silver hair still reached past his waist when he put back the hood of his white cloak and let the silky mass of it tumble free. There still were no wrinkles in his face, no even around the obliquely-slanting, ice-blue eyes; he was still tall and unbent, still slender as a boy. Only the cool depths of his eyes showed his age, and the aura of power that pulsed about him. No mage would ever have any doubts that this was an Adept, and a powerful one.

Oh yeah, and they have names like Starwind and Moondance. Seriously though, why isn't this an anime? Or at least a manga adaptation drawn by CLAMP.

Starwind and Moondance immediately figure out what is wrong with Vanyel, and fortunately Moondance is the best Healer in the business. They manage to get his mind unfried and teach him some basic stuff in his sleep, like how to shield himself, but they can't teach him how not to be a crybaby. So Vanyel still curls up in his bed and cries and feels guilty, and Moondance has this lovely piece of advice:

"There is a fear, a shame, placed there by your own doubts and the thoughts of one who knew no better. I tell you to think on this: the shay'a'chern pairing occurs in nature. How then, 'unnatural'? Usual, no; and not desirable for the species, else it would die out for lack of offspring. But not unnatural. The beasts of the fields are innocent as man can never be, who has the knowledge of good and evil and the choice between, and they do not cast our of their ranks the shay'a'chern. There was between you and your shay'kreth'ashke much love--only love. There is no shame in loving."

Hey, you know what else occurs in nature? Rape and infanticide! Nice try, Lackey, but the biological argument is a horrible argument.

So now that Vanyel's awake and not in immediate danger of incinerating the entire valley, they start trying to teach him how to control his magic. Vanyel's more interested in feeling sorry for himself and wondering why everyone wants to tell him what to do, and he also has recurring nightmares that are obvious to anyone with any genre awareness are portends of the future: himself, as a Herald-Mage, standing off against three wizards, one of whom appears to be a clone of himself. HEY, THIS SERIES IS CALLED THE LAST HERALD-MAGE TRILOGY, WONDER WHAT THAT MEANS.

After one of these nightmares, Moondance comes to him and tells him an obviously autobiographical story of a young man who grew up in a farming family, tried to run away with his circus boyfriend, accidentally killed his circus boyfriend when they got in an argument, then tried to kill himself, but was fortunately rescued by Herald Savil, who brought him to Starwind. Sound familiar? Now he and Starwind are happily gay-married! Isn't that nice. Vanyel interprets this as Moondance trying to play the oppression olympics with him and closes off, and after Moondance leaves, runs away. Again. Because that worked out so well for him all the other times he did it.

Also, this gem:

Moondance's moods could be read from his eyes; they were a murky gray-blue.

That's right, Moondance really does have mood ring eyes. I wonder if you could make a drinking game out of this book somehow.

Starwind, Savil, and Moondance receive word of a pack of colddrakes in the area, possibly eating people, and go to deal with them. Not coincidentally, Vanyel's wandering around in the woods, lost, after realizing that he's an idiot and should just go home to where people are nice to him. He gets knocked out by some Gate power, and when he comes to, is just in time to see a cold-drake eat an old grandpa who's trying to protect his daughter and grandchildren. This rouses him enough to explode the colddrake using his brain. Then he passes out, and when he wakes up, the grownups are there to tell him that he was very brave (they killed the rest of the colddrakes). Vanyel then realizes that With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility, and that this is what Tylendel was trying to tell him all along.

Omedetou, Vanyel. (clap clap blue sky)

So now that Vanyel is willing to not be the center of attention all the time, our Grownups, Party of Three decide that they'd better check out who's been causing all this ruckus in the mountains. It's an evil wizard, of course, and they find the village he's been using for his homebase, deposit Vanyel there to order the townspeople while they go after the bad guy, and assure him that he should not, under any circumstances, have to engage the evil wizard. Because they're going to take care of him. Really. Vanyel just has to build some barricades and keep the townspeople safe, in case any monsters show up.

So naturally, the evil wizard shows up. He's an evil bishounen in gaudy, pointy armor, so I picture him looking kind of like Nakago from Fushigi Yuugi, only not blonde.

"My goodness," Krebain breathed. "Silver eyes. Rare and beautiful, Vanyel Ashkevron. How wonderful, and how strange, that you should be here, at this moment. And I wonder now--given what I know of Tylendel Frelennye--were you only the friend of Tylendel, or were you something more than friend?"

Still ignoring everyone else, he leaned forward and kissed Vanyel passionately and deeply.

Vanyel naturally refuses to bottom to an evildoer, so there's a mage battle. Vanyel wins, the grownups turn up just in time to catch him as he falls over, and Vanyel learns that he's going to stay here for a few more months and learn some more magic, then go back to Haven and become a Herald for realsies. Oh goody.

I've already requested book two from the library, because I'm a glutton for punishment.

so I finally went and saw The Hobbit

coloredink — Sun, 30 Dec 2012 06:26:08 GMT

That was a really long movie.

the power went out so we went and saw the avengers

coloredink — Fri, 18 May 2012 06:20:00 GMT

And for some reason my favorite character was Barton??? When did I become this person. :(

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

a meme? a meme!

coloredink — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 02:47:09 GMT

Been a while since I posted anything to this journal, and what do I post? A meme. Here, have one of them newfangled Johari window things. I'm curious, what can I say.

tattoo!

coloredink — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 01:01:34 GMT

so I have this tumblr now

coloredink — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 04:07:01 GMT

But believe it or not, it's a work tumblr: notablankbook.tumblr.com.

Some of you may know that I now work part time as a personal assistant to Joani Blank: sex maven, activist, and cohousing enthusiast. She co-founded Good Vibrations back in the day, the first sex-positive, woman-friendly sex store West of the Mississippi. She's 74 years old now, but still pretty rad.

That tumblr is about what it's like working for her. If you're interested, you should check it out.

I am officially an adult

coloredink — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 00:36:03 GMT

I HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE. \o/

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

hey guys look what I got

coloredink — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 03:27:15 GMT

It's a bicycle gear, in case that's not immediately clear. It's not a very good photo, being taken with my phone in low lighting conditions; hopefully I'll remember to get a better photo tomorrow.

2005 called, they were wondering where you've been

coloredink — Sun, 15 May 2011 06:46:29 GMT

SO GUYS

THIS DOCTOR WHO THING

IT'S PRETTY GOOD HUH

(just watched Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead and OMG I cannot even articulate how amazing that was)

leaving on a jet plane

coloredink — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 18:48:18 GMT

So I'm leaving for the airport in like ten minutes, and then I will be gone for three weeks.

Be good, everyone! And ladysisyphus, I haven't forgotten about you. Just. . . hold that thought.

a new year's post, sort of

coloredink — Sun, 02 Jan 2011 06:48:47 GMT

Today was my last day of work.

oh god the suspense is killing me

coloredink — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 23:05:21 GMT

guess who made a twitter account just for the mehserle trial verdict

also guess who now lives in downtown oakland

yeah that's right

I AM REALLY UPSET ABOUT THIS YOU GUYS

coloredink — Fri, 07 May 2010 01:26:49 GMT

Okay, so: my freshman year, for whatever reason, all the incoming freshwomen (YES FRESHWOMEN I WENT TO A WOMEN'S COLLEGE OKAY) received plants. Little succulents. And I got a pregnant onion, which I thought was really lame, because everyone else got rainbow plants and cacti and stuff and I got an ONION.

She was a hardy little onion, though, because years later people would come into my room and say, "Is that an onion?"

"Yeah," I'd reply. "You remember when we all got plants freshman year?"

"And you still have yours? Wow. I don't even know what happened to mine."

And this onion eventually became a mascot of sorts. You'll notice that my user icons are onions, except for the ones that are garlic. turtlespeaks surprised me once with an onion doll that she made herself. This onion went with me to Southern California during vacations and moved out of college and into two apartments with me. I had to repot her a couple of times. I neglected her horribly for weeks at a time, but she always survived until the next time I remembered to water her.

UNTIL NOW. Because they sent a notice last week that they were going to come around and clear off the back stairways and stuff where people leave bicycles and crap. They've sent these notices three or four times before, and I've always taken the onion inside for a few weeks. She doesn't do well inside, though, and nobody ever cleared off the back stairway. So this time I left her out, and THIS TIME THEY CLEARED OFF THE BACK STAIRWAY.

AND NOW MY ONION IS GONE.

I AM REALLY UPSET ABOUT THIS. I MAY CRY.

everyone loves a good outrage on the internet!

coloredink — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 02:51:45 GMT

So dasmondschaf and I went clothes shopping today, because I'm a totally different person now that wants colors in her wardrobe, and you can't beat Old Navy for colors. And we're browsing the sales/clearance stuff, and this (male) employee comes up to us and says something along the lines of:

"Hey, this area is all organized by size, so you ladies should have no problem finding what you need."

This entry just cannot convey his special emphasis on you ladies, implication of you ladies who are fat and stupid and cannot find the XXL clothing.

We were so offended that we immediately left. And I said I would write a blog post about it.

YEAH THAT'LL SHOW OLD NAVY

seriously though it was pretty offensive

hey look, yet another new years LJ entry

coloredink — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 08:56:35 GMT

I'd make a real entry, but that'd be personal or something, and I don't like to get personal on this thing. This is a fandom/geekery journal, goddammit, and it's going to stay that way.

So instead I'm going to go to bed.

Happy New Year. Don't suck.

THIS WILL ONLY MAKE SENSE TO THOSE OF WHO THAT PLAYED MODERN WARFARE 2

coloredink — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 03:22:11 GMT

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! GHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSTT!!!!!!!!!

so uh hi guys

coloredink — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 21:41:22 GMT

Been out sick for the last four days. Did I miss much?

Also I have lost enough weight over the last three months that I fit into my size 16 jeans again. YES THIS IS A BIG DEAL FOR ME OK I AM FAT

things that drive me crazy, #398

coloredink — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 19:21:24 GMT

I don't have strong opinions about many things, but I have some pretty strong opinions about food. And one of the things I absolutely cannot stand is when someone points at an unfamiliar dish and asks, "What is that?" before they'll even think about trying it.

IT'S FOOD, GODDAMMIT. IT'S DELICIOUS. AND SOMEONE ELSE IS PAYING FOR IT, SO JUST PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH AND CHEW.

Exceptions are made, of course, for people with food allergies. Exceptions are also made for vegetarians. Exceptions are made for people with dietary restrictions for health/religious/ethical/whatever reasons. But the rest of you that can eat anything you goddamn want? Just eat it. JUST EAT IT. IT WON'T KILL YOU.

"Well, I just like to know what it is that I'm putting in my mouth," you say. Why? Why do you need to know, if you aren't allergic, vegetarian, or Muslim?

"If it's really good, I want to know what it is so I can order it next time," you say. Then ask afterward.

"I don't like surprises," you say. Then buy a rotisserie chicken from Safeway and go away.

"God, what is your problem?" you say.

Here is my problem: I think you're being fucking rude. Someone is offering you food. Just try it. One bite won't kill you. It's probably delicious. Why are you looking a gift horse in the mouth? Not only that, but most of the time when someone asks that question, they're checking to see if it fits their idea of "acceptable" food. What is it? Squid? Snails in garlic-butter sauce? Curried goat? Oh, no thanks. And if that's the case, you're not only rude, you're boring, which is possibly even worse.

This message brought to you by: I'm eating beef again, after five years of abstaining. Because I felt like an ass.

\o/

coloredink — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 03:22:36 GMT

I BEAT VEXEN

And then I had to beat him again because this game sucks, and then I was so ridiculously overpowered that I uh may have beaten Riku in 30 seconds and he never lay a finger on me. I may have cackled maniacally the entire time.

And now I technically don't have to do this anymore because joygirl007 found something else, but heck I am so close to the end and now it is a matter of principle.

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

oh my god what has become of my life

coloredink — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 02:34:56 GMT

So I've been helping joygirl007 with a work project. Long story short: I have clocked about 20 hours on the PS2 port of Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories in 2 days.

Yeah, you heard that right. CHAIN OF MEMORIES.

AND I CAN'T FUCKING BEAT VEXEN. I'm sure some of this is due to this being a speedrun (trying to get through the game as fast as possible, since we're on a deadline) and so I'm insufficiently leveled, and also some of it due to my being a RETARD GAMER THAT CAN'T FUCKIN' BREAK A GUARD. ALSO, VEXEN CHEATS.

AAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH.

so uh did anything exciting happen while I was gone

i completely understand if you don't want to be friends anymore

coloredink — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 03:37:59 GMT

So this morning, I decided I wanted a sandwich for lunch. This is kind of unusual for me. It's not that I don't like sandwiches--I like them a lot, actually--it's just that I can never make as good a sandwich by myself as I can buy from, say, Specialtys.

coloredink: I think I want a sandwich for lunch.
dasmondschaf: Oh, that sounds good.
dasmondschaf: You know, we have some left over Mt Tam. . .

(This is the thing you have to understand about Mt. Tam: it's a cheese, made by Cowgirl Creamery, a local artisan cheesemaker. It is the perfect cheese. It is also $13 for a 9 oz round.)

To make a long story short, here is the sandwich I eventually ended up making:

Toast two slices of homemade bread. While the bread is toasting, slice an heirloom tomato (from the CSA box, of course) and break up some salted anchovies. When the bread is done toasting, apply as much or as little cheese as you like on one of the slices. Stack tomatoes and anchovies on top. Brush the other slice of bread with olive oil. Grind some fresh black pepper over the whole thing. Consume. Savor.

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