The Psychic Sandbox

Luna: final update

clawfoot — Sun, 23 Jan 2022 02:01:13 GMT

I think most everyone who reads this knows by now, but I find this journal a good record of my life, so I'll talk about it here, too.

On Monday, January 17th -- exactly three years to the day since my father died, as it happens -- we had to say goodbye to Luna. She was only seven. I was hoping she'd make it to her eighth birthday (Feb 4), but no. She declined pretty quickly. It wasn't without warning. She'd stopped eating food (although was still accepting treats) a week prior. Her last night, she couldn't sleep because she couldn't find a position to lie in that was comfortable for breathing. I stayed up with her all night, dozing on the couch with her. I think we both got about 90 minutes of sleep, all told.

If you recall, Monday is also the day of the massive blizzard that dumped nearly two feet of snow on us. We'd made an appointment for a house call with a mobile vet (expensive, but worth it if Luna could die at home, in comfort, with all of us there). The appointment was for 10am, but the vet didn't arrive until 11:30. Completely not her fault; I was more glad that she didn't cancel on us altogether, and so grateful that she made such a dangerous trip for us. For Luna.

I took Monday off, of course. I did work Tuesday and Wednesday, because there was work stuff that had to be done, and I didn't want it hanging over me. I did take Thursday and Friday off work, though, to give myself a good long weekend to process and grieve, and to sort through all her stuff. I got most of that done -- her big bed, I passed to Maize's niece who has a big German Shepherd named Luca. Her toys I sorted into "destroyed" and "still good," threw out the destroyed ones and donated all the still-good ones, along with her leftover food and treats, to a local rescue organization.

I did keep a few things -- collars, leashes, etc. I will likely get another dog, but not for a while. I'm thinking a year or more. I need to give my heart time to forget how much this hurts. Every time I go through losing a dog, I think "I can't do it again, it hurts too much," and then I wind up with another dog, eventually. It will likely happen again. But not for a bit. Right now, I just miss her so damn much.

Now that she's gone, even though there are two other humans and two cats still in the house, it still feels so empty. I no longer have a little blonde shadow following me everywhere. And my brain is doing what I knew it would do: whenever I stand up, I expect to hear her stand up, too. Every small noise in the house I attribute to her, until I remember. I catch a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye (most often my slippers; they're the same colours she was and about the same size as her head) and think it's her for a split second. I know she's gone, but it's taking my neural pathways a while to reroute themselves around the hole she left.

And the little things. Every time I bend down to tie my winter boots, I remember how she would "helpfully" nose around my face because she was excited we were about to go out. I would have to remind her that she was just delaying what she was so excited for. I miss how she would nose at my elbow if we were both on the couch until I pet her, or at least put my arm around her. She would lick my tattoo as though she were trying to clean it off my skin. When we drove on the highway and we went over a rough patch of uneven pavement, the kind around construction areas, she would stick her head between the seats, looking for comfort. She didn't like the noise.

Even though she was a grown-ass adult dog, she would still crawl into laps for comfort if something scared her. Mostly mine, but other laps would do in a pinch.

Also, now that she's gone, I'm going to have to be very conscientious about my activity levels. I don't have any compelling reason to take twice-daily walks any longer, and I can very easily see myself going very sedentary. I shouldn't let that happen. I'm not sure what I'm going to do (maybe try to see if our treadmill still works?) but it's in the back of my mind.

When I've said "I'm okay" this week to people's inquiries, that mostly translates to "all I can promise is that I am not an immediate danger to myself or anyone else."

Luna was the first dog I've ever had that was mine. Willow was mine on paper, but she truly was both mine and my mother's. Luna was all mine. Except for maybe one or two weekends every year, we were together 24/7. I was her emotional support human, and holy fuck do I miss her like crazy.

Luna update: It's exhausting

clawfoot — Sat, 08 Jan 2022 17:05:42 GMT

Luna had a bad day yesterday. She refused all food, even treats, and I couldn't get her to take her medication even with pieces of hot dog, cheese, or peanut butter. For the first time in my life, I had to force a pill down a dog's throat. Also, in the evening, she was shivering on and off. She was not cold, or anxious. I think she was in some discomfort.

I was pretty much of the mind that if she didn't improve in the morning, I would be calling the mobile vet and saying goodbye.

She did improve this morning. She took her meds with no fuss (a piece of hot dog), and started accepting treats. She still wasn't eating any actual food first thing, but after a slow start and a brief trip to the local dog park, she did eat about half her meal at about 11am, which I will take. I haven't noticed her shivering at all, and she's back to wagging her tail and being a dork.

But good god damn do I sometimes wish that decline (and, conversely, healing) were fucking linear. These ups and downs are exhausting. She slept with us in the bed last night and just about every time I woke up (which was frequently), I would sit up, pet her, feel her breathing, and then slowly settle back down. When she got up around 3am and started gagging (a very brief but very common thing for her now) I think I was on my feet before I was even fully awake.

So. Yeah. I'm exhausted.

Luna update

clawfoot — Fri, 31 Dec 2021 01:49:42 GMT

Luna is doing... okay. She's gained weight and her energy and disposition are good, although I can tell her stamina is nothing like it used to be.

She's also still gagging, and she occasionally has what I'm calling "breathing episodes," where she has some difficulty and her breathing is hitched. It almost sounds like she's about to throw up, but she doesn't. It's definitely a lung thing, not a stomach thing. It only lasts a minute or two, but it's a screaming reminder that she's not okay.

Still NO idea how long she's got left with us. A month? Six months? A year? Although hope is good, sometimes it's hard not knowing.

Clawbits (Bah Humbug edition)

clawfoot — Wed, 22 Dec 2021 20:46:58 GMT

I'm so done. I'm working today and tomorrow still, but I'm just so done. I've got stuff to do but no motivation to do it. Bleh.

Probably related, I'm also just generally bummed out about... *gestures at everything*. Christmas has been pared down. A lot. I'm just not in the mood this year. I thought about baking cookies or making something nice for Christmas dinner, but... bah. Humbug. Not this year. Fuck it.

I was supposed to go see Spider-Man: No Way Home yesterday. I've had tickets for weeks. The VIP theatre, so lots of room between seats and stuff, and we have the N95 masks. But on Monday I looked at the COVID numbers and realized I just wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy the movie. So I returned the tickets, got a refund, and am sad now.

Luna's gained weight and is finally looking healthy. She's still gagging on occasion, and sometimes -- not always, but sometimes -- when she's resting, her breathing is... well... not laboured. But odd. There's a strange huff. So although she's looking healthy, I know she's not.

My goodness but I'm just a bundle of cheer today, aren't I?

Luna update

clawfoot — Tue, 14 Dec 2021 13:53:13 GMT

Luna is actually doing super well right now. She's on prednisone, a steroid, and it's making her eat like a horse, which is great. She's actually gained weight these past two weeks, and she's feeling better. She got out a toy the other day to play with, which she hasn't done in ages.

I know it's not a cure, but anything that improves her life and maybe buys me a little more time with her is most welcome.

I'm doing okay, too. I don't know if it's that I've come to accept it, or just that I don't have the energy to sustain being an emotionally unstable hot mess long-term, but either way, I'm okay.

Weekend Retreat

clawfoot — Sun, 28 Nov 2021 22:28:23 GMT

Background: my husband died in July 2002. I moved back in with my parents immediately after that. That November I did NaNoWriMo and wrote my first novel. It sucked, but it was mine. The following January, 2003, I decided to take this writing thing seriously and took a "how to write a novel" course at the local college. There, I met a couple of like-minded people who I really clicked with. Once the course was over, we decided to form a writer's critique group. We would meet every week or two, share our writing, and offer each other critique and encouragement.

One of us lived in Fergus. One in Cambridge. One in Guelph. And I was in KW.

We continued the group for about ten years. The roster of the group changed by a person here or there, but the core remained the same. Around 2011, I moved to Toronto, and everyone's lives got busy and complicated, and we kind of lost touch.

Then, two years ago, one of the core group reached out and asked if we were interested in starting up again. She'd hit on an idea for a series of novels she wanted to write, she was on draft 4 of the first book, and wanted the group back to help her polish it into a state worthy of shopping around to actual agents/publishers. And a bunch of us agreed. So we started meeting weekly on Zoom, we have a Google Drive folder we share our work in, and it's been working out super well. It's inspired me to start writing a new novel (a fantasy-romance-kinda-fanfic I've mentioned here before) and I've been loving having the group back together again.

When we first got together, the other two core members had young kids. Well, it's been twenty years, and they're now both new empty-nesters. The husband of one of them was on a business trip this weekend, and invited us all over into her big empty house with lots of spare bedrooms that haven't yet been converted into workout rooms or sewing rooms or whatever, and we all went.

There were four of us on the Friday night, one of our number had to leave on Saturday afternoon, but the last three of us stayed until Sunday morning.

And my god. It was like we'd never lost touch at all.

We basically ate and drank and talked all Friday evening, late into the wee hours. Saturday we actually did sit down for writing -- from about 9am to 1pm, at which point we stopped for lunch and workshopped what we'd written. Then we wrote again from about 3pm to 6pm. We had dinner and then just talked and ate and drank until the wee hours again.

Sunday we just had a quick breakfast and then headed out.

I almost didn't go, unwilling to leave Luna for a day and a half, but I'm so glad I did. It was exactly what I needed. I'd been monitoring Luna's weight and food intake and managing her health and vet visits and issues for weeks. It was so nice to get a break, to leave her with my mother where I knew she was happy and loved and taken good care of. It was nice to be able to sleep in and just BE for a while without worrying about her or measuring out her food or giving her medication or anything.

It was so nice to be able to relax, catch up with some old friends, and be in a space dedicated to writing, talking about writing, and reading each other's writing.

I picked Luna up from my mother's late this morning and watching her say goodbye to Luna was a bit much. She will likely see Luna again, it's not like she's on death's door right now or anything, but still. Ugh.

Came home, got my winter tires into the car from under the mudroom, and then had a shower. In the shower, I threw out my back. I'd never done that before. OH MY GOD. It took me about ten minutes to get from the bathroom to my bedroom (about maybe 25 feet?) and it was excruciatingly painful. I did have the wherewithal to take some ibuprofen before I left the bathroom, thankfully.

I was okay after another hour or so, and can walk without debilitating pain now, although my back is very twingey if I move in certain ways (which I am avoiding).

I am now sitting in front of a nice warm fire, dog at my feet. All's well that ends well, I guess.

Luna update

clawfoot — Wed, 24 Nov 2021 21:55:47 GMT

Luna's gagging issue is being caused by a tumor in her lungs/chest wall pressing up against her sternum. They found it in x-rays this morning. There is little that can be done.

They've put her on prednisone just to treat her symptoms and help her feel better. If she's eating well in a week, we'll start with an oral chemo med, too, which they say she might respond well to.

Prognosis: on prednisone only, four to twelve weeks. If she responds well to the other med, she might have as long as six months.

So, best case scenario still sucks balls.

The x-rays they took a couple of weeks before her last surgery were clear and looked really good. This came on fast and ferocious, and is surprisingly aggressive.

I am a big, giant, weepy mess.

Weird

clawfoot — Tue, 16 Nov 2021 14:28:12 GMT

I have been sleeping poorly of late, and I don't know why. I can get to sleep no problem, but for about three or four nights now, I've been waking up between 3 and 4am and having a devil of a time getting back to sleep.

It is annoying.

State of the Clawfoot

clawfoot — Mon, 08 Nov 2021 16:09:22 GMT

On My Home Life
Life at home is good. We've been weathering the pandemic, just as everyone else has, and I've been so happy with the house that we chose. We specifically bought a house in which we could each have our own space, really. Three floors, each floor has two bedrooms (a bedroom and an office), so we each get that. We also have the living room on the main floor and a rec room in the basement, and each of them have a decent television and access to all our streaming services. So when I feel like watching a horror film (okoshun does not enjoy horror) I can just pop downstairs and we can both watch what we like without having to negotiate who gets to watch what.

If you have not heard yet -- which is entirely possible -- Maize, my partner of 18 years, has come out as transgender. She is going by she/her pronouns and is currently living full time as herself. It wasn't something I consciously anticipated happening, but, in hindsight, I can't say that I was deeply surprised, either, if I'm honest about it. Maize never did pay much attention to gender norms or expectations, and never expected me to, either.

Our relationship is still good, and continuing on much as it has before. I do sometimes slip up on pronouns, but an 18-year habit is going to take time to break. She is at least very forgiving on that front. Her family has been a mixed bag of reactions, but I'm happy to report that mine have been amazing about it. My mother and sister barely even blinked, and my sister-in-law is SO HAPPY to have another sister. She can't wait for Maize's hair to grow out so she can braid it. My family were more concerned about me (how was I doing with it? was I okay? what will this mean for our relationship? All the normal questions which were easily answered).

(Answers: I am doing well with it. I am okay. Our relationship will continue as it always has. I love her and her pronouns and gender presentation aren't going to change that.)

On Luna
So since the surgery to remove the cancerous lump on her foreleg, Luna has lost a bunch of weight, which, at first, didn't concern me overmuch. She's a self-regulating free-feeder, which means that she eats when she's hungry and no more than that. If she's really active for a few days, she eats like a horse -- but if she's not very active then she doesn't eat very much at all. So her not eating very much after her surgery (when she was on pain meds and not active at all) wasn't a big thing.

However, as she healed and we gradually worked back up to our regular activity levels, she still wasn't eating very much, she wasn't gaining any weight, AND she would occasionally kind of dry heave/gag. She made the "I'm about to throw up" sound, would open her mouth and "GAK" and nothing would come out. It wasn't a cough, it wasn't vomiting, it was just... gagging. And the frequency of that started to increase until it was multiple times a day.

I started to suspect that there was something about her throat that was making eating unpleasant/painful. So I took her to the vet.

The vet couldn't see anything by just looking, but put her on a soft-food-only diet. I'm to soak her kibble in warm water until it's soft, and supplement her food with high-calorie wet dog food. (I call it her "canine protein shake.")

She's been on that diet now for about a week, and she's eating a LOT more than she was before. The gagging thing has also diminished a lot, but not completely gone away.

We do have another appointment for her with a specialist (a veterinary internist) in a couple of weeks in case we need it. If the gagging thing doesn't go away, our next steps are x-rays and perhaps a scope, to see if we can see what's going on.

So she's okay -- she's eating and drinking and eliminating and her energy is fine. I think she's starting to regain weight again. I'll know more when I bring her with me when I pick up more wet food from the vet -- I'll weigh her then. Hopefully she'll have gained at least a little.

On Work
Work is work. It's still going relatively well. A few months ago, a coworker resigned, and I was given about half of her job to cover (ON TOP OF my existing job) so things were a bit hectic for a while. However, we've recently filled that empty position and the new person is taking back those duties and I am so much happier.

Also, here's a summary of the podcast fiasco from last summer: after about A YEAR of campaigning for making a podcast, the project was approved and I was put in charge of it! It took six months to sort everything out (questions on frequency, audience, platform, goals, music, hosts, guests, topics, all of it). I got three episodes recorded and produced and ready to launch. We planned to launch it in January. Then the launch got pushed to June. Then they pulled the plug on it entirely.

I was so mad that day. They told me at 10am and I took the afternoon off to go eat ice cream and NOT WORK FOR THEM for half a day. I'd just... put SO much into it. There's a whole huge history of this company and podcasts and them flip-flopping on their decisions all the time which was fueling this and I was just SO DONE.

Anyway. That was in June. Four months later, in October, I hear that HEY, WE'RE GONNA BE DOING A PODCAST AGAIN. They presented it as a "hey, isn't this great? Aren't you happy to have this project back?"

And ... uuuuuuuuuuugggggghhhhhhhh. Yes. I guess. I do like podcasts, I enjoy making them and producing them, I think there's value in a good-quality podcast, but now we're back at square one, talking about frequency and platform and audience and goals and hosts and all that and... ugh. My enthusiasm for this is pretty fucking low. Because I have ZERO faith that a) it's going to look like what I think a podcast should look like and b) it's not going to just get cancelled again in six months.

But. Hey. At least I'm busy. I keep trying to remember a mantra I was taught a little while ago: "If this is what they want to pay me to do, then okay." If they want me to spend ANOTHER six months working on a project they're just going to cancel again, then okay. I get paid either way.

On Gaming
Gaming continues to be a joy and a true highlight of my days. I've given some thought to becoming a professional, for-pay DM, but I really don't want to turn a hobby that I love into a job I have to do. And I'm pretty sure that's what would happen. So I continue to play with friends and enjoy the hell out of it.

All my games are still playing online, and that's going to continue for the foreseeable future. It sucks, I miss in-person gaming like woah, but it's better than no gaming at all. And there are aspects of online gaming that I really do like. I like the initiative tracker. I like the maps and digital tokens. I like how easy it is to keep track of HP digitally. I like playing around with macros. But I will happily give that all up as soon as it's safe to do so, because gaming is about people and I miss people. I miss face-to-face RP. I miss being able to communicate what an NPC is thinking by facial expression. I miss reading my players' facial expressions, to see if they're bored or getting frustrated or really into it or what.

So we play online. Until the majority of children can be vaccinated, that's going to continue. In every group I have, there's AT LEAST a parent of a school-aged child or a teacher of school-aged children. So the risk factor is there in every group I have.

Aside from all that, each of my games are going very well. My weekly 4e game is up to level 24 -- only six levels to the endgame. My bi-weekly 4e game is up to level 26 as well! My 5e group is also up to level 12 now. Only a couple of levels left before the end of that module. Lots of high-level play going on!

These are also the very last 4e games I'm ever going to run. I love 4e, I truly do -- there are LOTS of things about it that I love. The balance is the best in ANY edition I've ever seen, the feats are many and varied and really allow a high level of customization, I love the Paragon Path features and Epic Destiny ones as well. It really lends itself well to high-level play and gives characters a direction and a purpose. Anyway, there's a lot that I love about it.

What I don't love about it is that it has a highly complex character generation and upkeep and absolutely REQUIRES a character builder program. The online character builder no longer exists, and the off-line character builder is no longer supported and is buggy AF. It simply no longer works on my own computer. Running 4e is no longer viable. I will finish out the campaigns I already have going, but that's it. We're switching to 5e after this. It makes me sad -- I do love 4e. But 5e is fun, too (just in slightly different ways) and I'm looking forward to the more flexible, loosey-goosey style it lends itself to.

On Writing
So I am also writing again. I am currently working on a novel (although I am not participating in NaNoWriMo). It's... in a weird limbo between original fic and fanfic.

Okay, so what happened was that in my weekly 4e game, I, on a total whim, threw in Miles Vorkosigan as an NPC (from Lois McMaster Boujold's Vorkosigan Saga books). I needed a noble politician who had the clout to get things done and who would be sympathetic to the party's goals, I was in the middle of reading one of the Vorkosigan Saga books, and it's SUPER EASY to make far-future sci-fi fit into a high-magic fantasy world. So that happened. And, of course, you can't have Miles without the supporting cast. So in also went Aral, Cordelia, Ivan, Elena, Alys, Koudelka, Illyan, and almost everyone I knew from the books that I'd so far read (I was less than halfway through the series at that point). And they all fit in beautifully. I threw them into a fantasy culture/nation of my own devising, a rather unique one I think, heavy on necromancy and hauntings (Vorkosigan House is haunted by Piotr's spirit, for example, and he is just as opinionated in death as he was in life).

So in order to make this work at all (and to keep Miles from taking over the entire goddamn game, I had to change things considerably. I had to change HIM. I had to change characters, relationships, histories, etc.. So although they all have the names and core characteristics of Boujold's versions, they're also substantially different.

So I used these characters, and one of the PCs fell head-over-heels in love with Miles and married the little fucker (to be fair, he started pursuing her first). And these two characters together are not just my catnip, they're my crack-cocaine. So I decided to write a fantasy-romance novel starring them.

So that's why it's in a weird limbo between original fic and fanfic. These ARE Boujold's characters -- but they and their world are so changed, it's more than half original. But I'm sure that people who are familiar with the Vorkosigan Saga would recognize them, but would also probably dislike the changes that I did make. So on one hand, I don't dare post it on AO3 as fanfic because the characters and world are SO changed, but I also don't quite dare post it as original fic, either, because the characters are still, at their core, Boujold's. Nor will I ever seek to publish it.

But it's amusing me, and I'm enjoying it, and I'm about 35K words in, so I'm gonna keep on doing it.

I have been awful at posting

clawfoot — Wed, 20 Oct 2021 19:13:16 GMT

So a couple weeks ago, I took a week's vacation -- the week before Thanksgiving -- and went camping! It was just me, sitting out in the woods for five days, with a lake, a tent, a pile of books, and way too much food (seriously, I am still eating my own leftovers). It. Was. Amazing.

The weather was as perfect as you could ask for. Sunny, clear, 19-20C. I swam every day. I sat in the sun and read books. I didn't talk to people for DAYS, aside from the occasional "good morning" or "hello" to hikers tromping past to get to either the Cranberry Bog trail (about 3 hrs) or the Silver Peak trail (a full day).

Plus, as normal for that time of year, there were absolutely ZERO bugs. Not a single biting insect. There were a few small things, but nothing that was a pest.

I didn't see much wildlife -- no bears, raccoons, or foxes. Lots of red squirrels and chipmunks, though.

But I was absolutely recharged and refreshed when I came home. I did come home a titch early -- Thursday afternoon/evening rather than Friday morning as planned. I did that because everyone said we were going to have rain all day Friday, and I was happy to give up half a day of camping if I could pack everything up while it was still bone-dry, which is what I did. But then I still had the entire (long) weekend to unpack, do laundry, and relax before heading back to work.

It was my sister's 50th birthday (!!!), and as our birthdays are four days apart, we gathered at my mother's house for lunch on Sunday and did the whole birthday/Thanksgiving thing. Just me, If, my sisters, and my mother. It was a nice afternoon, and the food was amazing.

I had my weekly D&D game that evening, and Monday (my actual birthday) to just chill and do absoltuely nothing. T'was glorious.

More Clawbits

clawfoot — Tue, 21 Sep 2021 13:39:48 GMT

Luna is at the vet's today. She's getting surgery to remove the cancerous lump on her elbow. I dropped her off there at 6:30am this morning, and if all goes as expected, I can pick her up around 7pm. It's minor surgery -- the lump is small and at the surface, so it should be a quick and simple removal. The biggest issue is that it's in a very awkward spot for bandaging. I have a cone for her, but we both hate it. I'm going to see if I can find a kid's long-sleeve tee to put on her instead. I just need to keep her from licking the stitches.

And Canada's government hasn't significantly changed with our election. Liberal minority government again, which isn't my first choice, but it's acceptable. At least the damn PPC (People's Party of Canada) got exactly zero seats. Fucking white supremacists.

I'm going camping the first week of October, which isn't for another two weeks, but I'm already fighting vacation brain. I'm pretty checked out.

Last weekend was another weekend of ALL THE GAMES. I've told myself that I'll never do it again, but then I go ahead and do it again. I ran the boys' game on Friday night, my local 5e game on Saturday, and my weekly 4e game on Sunday. But I liken it to someone who is lactose intolerant choosing to eat a slice of extra cheese pizza: I knew what I was doing. I went into it with eyes open. I knew how exhausting weekends like that are. But the pain is totally worth it. I do have absolutely nothing planned for Friday or Saturday this coming weekend, and I plan to guard that time jealously. I will NOT schedule anything there. That time is MINE.

That is all, for now.

Clawbits - three things make a post, right?

clawfoot — Thu, 09 Sep 2021 23:45:08 GMT

There's a drive-in movie theatre in Oakville that is showing both Free Guy AND Shang-Chi and I am ridiculously excited about going there Saturday night. My sister and I used to go to the KW Drive-In all the time when we were teenagers, and I loved it. So I'm not only excited about going to a drive-in again, but I'm excited because usually drive-ins show one movie you really want to see, and one movie you may as well see because it's a double feature and you'll be there anyway. This is the first time in my ENTIRE LIFE I will see TWO movies I actively want to see at a drive-in! Exciting!

In an online conversation with three other people, I used the phrase "pan to fireplace" when talking about a scene in a tabletop game that is heading towards sexually explicit territory and you want to basically stop the scene and take it as read that the sex happens "off camera." And nobody had ever heard the phrase before and were very confused about why you'd put a pan on a fireplace. Is it really that odd a phrase? I thought it was as common as "fade to black."

Luna is scheduled for surgery on September 21st, just to take off the lump at her elbow. It's on the surface, so it won't be overly complicated or invasive, and she'll likely be home that evening. I need to get her to the vet's before 7am on the day, and I will likely be able to come pick her up sometime after 7pm that evening, which works out great because it means I don't need to take any time off work (I work from 7:30 to 4pm, which I can easily shift an hour or so later if I want. Yay flex-time!).

Exhausted, but happy

clawfoot — Mon, 06 Sep 2021 19:36:18 GMT

This weekend was AMAZING. And still is (and will be for a while yet).

FRIDAY: I got off work at noon, which was lovely. We get the afternoon off before each long weekend in the summer. Then I ran around like a mad thing preparing for the weekend. We left for my sisters' place around 6:30, got there soon after 8. Sat around and chatted for a while, then went to bed.

Amount of D&D: None played, but if you include the prep, probably about 4 or 5 hours' worth.

SATURDAY: Up at probably around 6:30, because my dog is a butt. This is after she'd gotten me up at 4:30am to go outside. We've stayed at my sisters' place before, so this wasn't exactly new for her, but we hadn't been there for over two years, so I guess I can understand why this was unsettling. We took the dogs out for a good long walk around the farmer's fields out back of their house, and If made us waffles for breakfast. Soon after, probably around 11am, we started playing D&D. Played until about 5pm, when we took the dogs out for another, shorter walk, played more D&D for another two hours or so, had dinner (they fried up the last of their pike! SO TASTY), played a short and fun card game until about 10:30pm, fell into bed again.

Amount of D&D: Probably around 8 solid hours, with a break in there to walk the dog.

SUNDAY: Up at a more decent 7:30am, as the dog had grown accustomed again, with no middle-of-the-night awakenings. Walked the dogs again, Sandra made us quick & easy cinnamon buns for breakfast, and we packed up and left around 10:30am or so. If returned home to TO, but I took my dog right to KW (yes, we took separate cars. It sucks, but it makes the most sense).

Arrived in KW around 11:30, unloaded the car, took the dog blankets from the back, chatted with Mum for a bit, then went out to pick up valkryor and fedoriarty at 1pm. Picked them both up, returned to Mum's place, and basically just sat and talked (IN PERSON. FOR REAL. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN LIKE 20 MONTHS) until about 3, at which point we actually started playing D&D. Played until dinner, ran out and got it (Sonny's fish & chips -- what can I say? I really like fish). Ate dinner, had our Celebration ice cream cake from Four Alls Ice Cream, which was AMAZING. Played more D&D until about 9:30, when I started to fade. Returned my friends home, filled the car with gas, put a dog blanket in there for the morning, and fell into bed.

Amount of D&D: About 6.5 hours, minus probably 1.5 hours for dinner. We could have had more, but we're a chatty bunch when we haven't seen each other for a while.

MONDAY (Today): Because my mother is a saint, she took my dog to the quarry for me first thing, so I had a good sleep in until around 8:30am. Got up, had some breakfast, packed the car, chatted with Mum, came home. Got home around 11am or so. Unpacked. Put myself down for a nap around 1:30pm, because I was WRECKED. Just so tired. Set an alarm for 3, because I didn't want to nap longer than 90 minutes because I know that fucks me up.

I have plans for laundry, a shower, changing my bedsheets, and maybe ordering in pizza for dinner as I have the house to myself for the evening and I am still super tired and on a long weekend and I feel like it.

Amount of D&D: Zero. On purpose.

TUESDAY (Tomorrow): STILL THE WEEKEND. I booked it off work a few weeks ago. I knew I would be running two big, in-person games this weekend and I wanted the extra time to decompress and recover. I am looking forward to doing absolutely nothing tomorrow, although I still have to get up first thing because the maid service is coming.

Amount of D&D: Planning on zero, but that's not likely to happen as I unpack my game bags, get things organized again, and act on notes and things that I made for myself as the games went on. I suspect a tiny bit of prep, even if unintentional.

Clawbits

clawfoot — Mon, 09 Aug 2021 11:56:12 GMT

I did not, as it turned out, have an appointment with the veterinary oncologist last week. I was told that I did, and I showed up (after taking a half day off work and paying $12 for parking), but there was no appointment! The referral paperwork hadn't even been sent over yet. So that was fun. Everyone involved was very apologetic, and I have no idea whose mistake it actually was, so I wasn't even mad AT anyone (and thus tried very hard not to be an asshole to anyone about it) but I was VERY frustrated, not just at the time and expense wasted, but at my worry extended. I thought I'd be getting some options/a clearer idea of what I'm dealing with, but nope. I do have another appointment (verified in email by the oncology office itself) on August 25th. So I shall have to wait.

I had a lovely weekend, but I have overdone it. I had my boys' game on Friday night (more on that in a sec), a friend's Star Trek game on Saturday night, my regular Sunday afternoon game with the KW gang, and then a one-shot old-school D&D game on Sunday evening. I enjoyed every minute of it all, but I do not feel rested and it is now Monday morning and I am very tired and regretting my life choices. I should have napped more.

I had my boys' game on Friday night, which was AMAZING because not only did it kick off the very last module of the adventure arc (they are 26th level; they will end at 30th), but it was the first in-person game I've had for TWENTY MONTHS. We still kept it outdoors -- we met in one of our players' back yards -- and didn't share snacks and kept our distances, but it was SO NICE. The backyard was fully fenced and so I was even able to bring Luna with me. She was a bit confused, but settled well even though our host had an 8-month-old Bernadoodle for her to contend with.

We've also scheduled a weekend away at my sisters' house for the first time in over two years, I think. Everyone is fully vaxxed now, so it will be nice to get away. My sister-in-law is pretty desperate to play D&D again, which is always super fun. I'm still a bit weirded out by playing D&D with my sister (she is NOT the creative, improvisational type) but it's still super fun.

In spite of her cancer, Luna is doing just fine. She has NO idea that anything's wrong. It's just a lump on her elbow at this point. Her energy is fine, her appetite is fine, everything's fine except people kept poking at it over a weekend. She's still her normal self, which on one hand is great and I hope that never changes, but on the other hand is making it difficult to wrap my head around the seriousness of what may have to happen.

Luna: the lump is back!

clawfoot — Mon, 26 Jul 2021 01:09:39 GMT

So on Friday night I noticed another lump on Luna, in pretty much exactly the same spot she had the cancerous lump last year. So I made an appointment with the vet.

Attempt #1: unsuccessful. The vet was someone she didn't know who was male, so she wouldn't let him examine her, even though I'd given her the chill pills. They were very nice and didn't charge me for the visit, and let me reschedule for today with a (female) vet she knows and likes.

Attempt #2: still ongoing. Our appointment was at 6pm. She's still at the vet's right now (9pm), because they sedated her to get a sample of the tumour. She had a bit of an adverse reaction to the anesthetic, however (heart arrhythmia, very fast heart rate), so they kept her a little longer and gave her fluids to flush out any lingering drugs in her system. I suspect this may have been caused by the drugs I had to give her yesterday and today building up in her system. Anyway, I'm going to pick her up in about half an hour and we're going back tomorrow afternoon to check her vitals and make sure she's bounced back nicely. The vet offered me the option of transferring her to one of the 24 hour emerg vets in the area for overnight monitoring, but I'm comfortable having her at home overnight. I know what to look for and I think Luna's still pretty young and healthy. I'm sure she'll be fine, but I'll keep her close.

If the results of this round of testing is either positive for cancer or inconclusive, however, they're not going to bother with a biopsy. The tumour is small enough that taking a piece of it might fracture it and make it more difficult to be sure it gets removed in surgery, so she'll likely go straight to the veterinary oncologist and likely straight to surgery.

So that was my fun-filled weekend. Stress and expense!

Owwie

clawfoot — Wed, 30 Jun 2021 15:18:14 GMT

I stubbed my toe -- hard -- first thing yesterday morning, and it was still really painful last night. It was also getting bruised (dark), and red, and kind of swollen. I don't think it's broken. I could still wiggle it without any sharp pain (just the dull bruised pain). And this morning, it's better (it doesn't hurt just by existing any more; I actually have to move/use it to feel any pain). But I'm still limping when I do walk and I'm going to take it easy today.

Maize and okoshun will walk Luna for me today, and Maize will walk her tomorrow morning. I suspect, after two and a half days of rest (I didn't have to walk Luna yesterday either; she was in doggie daycare all day), I'll be okay for a short walk on Thursday evening. Then she goes to daycare again on Friday, because I have the day off and I felt like it.

It feels okay now if I don't walk too much. My mother suggested ice as well, which I should look into. I know I have one of those stretchy velcro things with a pouch in it for a frozen gel pack somewhere. That should work.

Anyway, just having a quiet whine. I hurt my toe. That is all.

Clawbits

clawfoot — Tue, 15 Jun 2021 13:52:39 GMT

Got my second vaccine shot yesterday. Last night going to bed I was 100% fine. This morning, my injection arm is sore enough I couldn't sleep on that side and I feel like I was hit by a small truck. Just fatigue and aches right now. I'm still working, but I'll see how I feel at lunch.

Hit 20,000 words on my current novel in progress, which is about the one-quarter mark (it's a romance; I'm aiming for 80K). I also figured out some of the endgame, which makes me happy. I've actually got a vague outline. It feels surreal.

Joined a book club at work. I have a month to read Birdie by Tracey Lindberg. It's part of my workplace's efforts towards diversity and inclusion: Birdie is a darkly comic and moving first novel about the universal experience of recovering from wounds of the past, informed by the lore and knowledge of Cree traditions. Should be interesting! I don't normally read modern fiction. I've also never been part of a book club before. We'll see how this goes.

I don't feel like I have much else to report. Most days are very similar, most weeks are very similar. I work Mon-Fri, and my weekends are all the same (enjoyable, but all the same). My weekly 4e game is continuing apace. I'm playing in a monthly Star Trek game, and we're still between modules with my boys' 4e game, but I've got plans to start that up again in July. My monthly 5e game is still going (which reminds me I should put out feelers for scheduling our next game). I'm also playing in a monthly Curse of Strahd game which is still? going? I think? All good stuff.

My car is now completely paid off. I did the responsible thing and a) upped my monthly RRSP contributions a little and b) started a TFSA with the extra cash I'll have going forward. I'm such a wild woman.

Asking for help is hard

clawfoot — Tue, 08 Jun 2021 12:27:10 GMT

I have recently reached out to my EAP (Employee Assistance Program, through work) for counseling. It's the first time I've ever done something like this and it was surprisingly difficult to make myself do it.

And my situation is probably the MOST IDEAL one for asking for help. Everyone around me is 100% supportive of mental health support, as am I. The EAP from my workplace is totally free; it only took one phone call to get an appointment. The appointment itself is next week, very soon. I don't have to languish on a waiting list for months to speak to someone. I don't have to jump through insurance hoops or count my pennies to see if I can afford it.

But for some strange reason, the number to call sat on my cellphone for literally months before I called it. And when I finally did, it felt monumental. It was a simple phone call! No more shameful or upsetting than calling the dentist!

But wow, cultural conditioning, even when you're surrounded by supportive, loving people, even when you are taken care of by an employer in an appropriate way, is really insidious and incredibly strong.

That was HARD. Admitting weakness is HARD. Asking for help is HARD.

I need a nap.

Writing!

clawfoot — Sat, 15 May 2021 02:13:16 GMT

I am currently writing. Actually writing! Like, fiction! It feels really good.

It also comes and goes. The past two chapters have just flowed, it's been amazing. But I'm currently trying to tackle a scene and it's proving to be a bit of a pain. I've started it and scrapped it at least three times now, each from a different POV, and I'm having trouble figuring out how best to tackle it.

That sounds like a complaint, but it really does feel very good to be working on something again. Even when I struggle with it, or feel like I'm bashing my head against a wall. Because even when I scrap a scene, I feel like I'm making progress. Sure, I've written several paragraphs that I've thrown out, but now I know that those angles weren't working. And I can try something else.

It's... good. I feel like a writer again.

Light at the end of the tunnel

clawfoot — Thu, 01 Apr 2021 21:10:36 GMT

I've got an appointment for my first dose of the vaccine this Tuesday. The second dose, in 16 weeks, should fall in mid-July. valkryor and Fedoriarty, my weekly gaming group, are also getting theirs just before me (Monday and Saturday, respectively, I believe), so if all goes well, we'll be able to go back to in-person gaming this summer. Even if we must meet at my mother's house -- we usually play at Fedoriarty's house, but I have no idea if everyone in their home will be fully vaccinated; their spouse, definitely; their mother, probably; but there's another housemate who I have no idea what his vaccination status is/will be. Regardless, my mother will be fully vaccinated by then, and she lives alone, and I'm sure she'll be totally fine with us descending upon her dining room and cackling like a coven of witches for an afternoon. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OVER A YEAR.

I can live without going to restaurants. I can live with not going out to the movies. I have been missing in-person gaming LIKE WOAH.

Online gaming is better than no gaming at all, certainly, but there's just something about being face-to-face and throwing around handfuls of pretty pretty clicky-clacky math rocks and making dick jokes that you just can't quite capture with online play.

[television] The Letter for the King

clawfoot — Wed, 24 Feb 2021 15:14:45 GMT

So I finished watching the Netflix show The Letter for the King and it left me incredibly unsatisfied and so I had to sit with it for a day or so to suss out why, because there are a lot of elements that were good about it, but it still felt very... flat.

The show is about a young novice (about to earn his place in a knighthood) who is suddenly tasked by a dying hero to bring a letter to the king. Lots of people are trying to get this letter for various reasons. And the adventure begins.

I just think there wasn't much done to flesh out, well, anything. The bones of the story were there, and they were perfectly fine bones (not awesome, amazing bones, but good, solid bones). A prophesy, an ambitious and selfish second-born prince who wants the throne for himself, a desperate bid to intercept a secret message -- all good stuff.

What was lacking was any foundation for it all. There was a prophesy that is mentioned, but we don't actually hear it until more than halfway through. There is no REASON behind the prophesy or who foretold it or why. We're not given any satisfactory reason why the prince has decided to turn traitor, either. We don't even HEAR a reason, really. He just recognizes himself in the prophesy, assumes it's about him, and lays plans to kill his father, brother, and anyone else who gets in his way. All we know about him for the first few episodes is that he's a young, black-clad edgelord. In the finale, he gets a (very small) speech about how the kingdom was won on the backs of soldiers like him while the rest of the nobles sat around in luxury, but a) that's it, that's all we get, and b) it felt like it was tacked on as an afterthought because they needed the Big Bad to make a speech and so thought "this will do."

The prince wasn't even evil for evil's sake. He was evil for the plot's sake, and that felt SO hollow. (I have actually since read a review that pointed out that the prince believed HE was the "light" referenced in the prophesy, and thus thought HE was on the side of good, and had to defeat the evil darkness that is our hero. That was SO POORLY expressed that I missed it completely, and would have been a fantastic approach to the whole story.)

There was an interesting twist to the story which was introduced and then completely ignored. The prophesy references only a "darkness that covers the land" and a "Great Mage of the North" who will "bring light to the shadow." The prince is obviously the shadow, and he is hunting down and killing (and absorbing the powers) of all the magic-users of the land he just conquered, presumably because he wants to kill all mages who might stop him (what was ENTIRELY unclear was that he was trying to 'bring light to the darkness,' but that's difficult to see when a) he never says anything about doing that and b) he kills magic users and absorbs their power (which appears as smokey shadow) and c) he talks about "the only one who can stop him," which I'd THOUGHT was the Mage of the North, but apparently it was... the darkness? The prophesy, which we don't actually hear in its entirety until more than halfway through the series, doesn't even mention an individual who can stop the Mage of the North. Just "darkness.")

Our hero is the son of one of those magic-users, brought north to be raised as a noble. He also has dark skin. So I guess that's where the racist Prince thinks he's the darkness he has to fight? I don't even know.

Anyway. Our hero is the son of a shaman and has some latent magical powers. He meets a girl who is a thief/charlatan/bounty-hunter and they join forces to get the letter to king because she thinks there might be a cool reward for doing so.

PLOT TWIST: the GIRL is the "great mage of the north" (even though there is zero indication of it and zero reason for it). So I got all excited thinking that the prince is going to come screaming into the finale and kill our hero and gloat in his victory, only to be defeated instead by the girl he'd overlooked in a satisfying, I-am-No-Man-Eowyn-style takedown. But no! That just... never happened!

The finale was so WEIRD. The prince showed up. The hero exposed the prince's plot. The prince made a short speech and then transformed into a giant shadow-smoke-ash creature (he looked really cool, though, I'll give them that), and then the girl showed up and she just... shines really bright at him. They tried to make it dramatic, but it was just two people standing there, glaring at each other. She falters briefly, when the prince makes the hero disappear and her light is almost swallowed, but SHE RALLIES! Again, for no reason! It felt like they wanted the moment to be an incredibly emotional one of personal growth and self-realization, but it just wasn't. They hadn't laid ANY groundwork for it. She showed up, she shined brightly, that was it.

And then, at the end, when the hero and his other novice friends were being celebrated and knighted and honoured for their bravery and loyalty to the crown, the girl (who had actually defeated the evil) was just... there. In the background, watching proudly. She didn't even get her reward, so far as I know.

So yeah. I think I am most disappointed because there was SO MUCH POTENTIAL there for this to be an amazing story with some great twists, and it just fell down on every front.

Clawbits

clawfoot — Wed, 17 Feb 2021 04:10:52 GMT

I feel like I should post, but like most people right now, there really isn't all that much to post about. So, I'll see how many clawbits I can write.

I did mention a couple of posts ago that my car payments are finished in May, and today I got the first invitation to the Toyota Upgrade Event! Very exclusive! Invite-only! Only the BEST customers get invited! Sure. Thanks, but I think I'll enjoy a life of no car payments for a little while.

Work is still good, if frustrating sometimes. A couple of big projects just got put on hold due to office politics, but, hey, trying to let it roll off my back. I'll work on whatever they want me to, so long as they keep paying me.

Reading Dread Nation by Justina Ireland right now, and although I'm enjoying it, I'm still finding it difficult to carve out the time to read. I don't quite get it -- I like reading. But whenever I find myself with an hour or so with no plans, I just sit in front of the computer (again) or the television, or even when I sit elsewhere with my book, I still spend half the time on my phone instead, just playing stupid games. I just don't have much focus right now. Can't imagine why.

I have a weekend of gaming coming up, and it's exciting because I'm not running all of it! I'm playing in a 5e game on Friday night, and a Star Trek game on Saturday night, and I'm running my weekly 4e game on Sunday. So it should be lots of fun that won't burn me completely out! I've run three games in three days before, and I have learned the hard way that I shouldn't do that. I love running games, but it's work, and it's tiring, and holy crap does a whole weekend of running them take it out of me. I'm very much looking forward to Friday and Saturday as a player.

Speaking of which, my other 4e game, my boys, have finished the module E2: The Kingdom of the Ghouls, and I am on my break between modules. They are 25th level and about to start E3: Prince of Undeath, and the very last module of the published adventure arc. We've been playing for a little over six years now. It'll be seven in the summer. And this one last one will likely take another year or so, I think. And then they'll have gone from level 1 to level 30. It's really short on plot; I tend to prefer more story, but the boys are all about the war game aspect, and that's a valid source of fun, too. I'm enjoying it (if I weren't, I wouldn't have run it for six plus years). Anyway. An exciting final chapter!

Reading 2021

clawfoot — Mon, 11 Jan 2021 18:58:31 GMT

First book of the year: Swordheart by T. Kingfisher. I'm not actually finished it yet, I'm just over half way, but I'm loving it SO MUCH I thought I'd jot it down here before I forgot to.

Once again, the only real "New Year's Resolution" I'm making is to make better records of what I read and watch and what I thought of them, mostly because I like looking back and reading it again. I tried it last year and the year before and although I've never actually carried it through the whole year, I get closer every time. So eventually, I should make this into a habit that sticks, yes? Yes, that's my hope.

Anyway, Swordheart is a fantasy romance about a dude trapped in a sword and a woman trapped by her relations. I suspect they will free each other. That's not a spoiler if I haven't gotten there yet myself, right?

What makes this a great read is the humour. It's funny. It's really funny. I'm not usually the kind to laugh out loud while reading, but it's a common occurrence with this book. I also like it because the personalities of the two main characters are well-matched. One is worldly in one way, and the other is worldly in another way, and although they don't recognize the other's worldliness immediately, they grow to see and appreciate how the other is different and yet similar. It's nice. The chemistry and attraction feels natural, too, which is not always the case with romance. Sometimes it's "two people the author thinks are hot want to bang each other because the author thinks they're hot" and I just don't feel it. But not with this book.

Anyway, I haven't finished it, but I like the world and the characters and the humour. All good stuff. I plan to finish it soon.

Good riddance, 2020

clawfoot — Fri, 01 Jan 2021 21:05:48 GMT

So, it's 2021 now.

There are the usual end-of-year, retrospective surveys and things that go around, but I'm not in the mood. In past years, I go through my journal and pick out one entry from each month to make a "top 12" list, but there have been months this year in which I did not post at all, so that won't really work.

So a few quick Clawbits to start off the year:

I realized earlier this week that I will pay off my car loan in May. Only 5 more car payments! Yay!

I did not read nearly as many books as I had hoped for 2020, and was even worse at keeping track of the ones I did read. In my defense, I didn't anticipate a global pandemic at the beginning of the year, and the pandemic really did do a number on both my creativity and my focus. I find it difficult to read these days. I just don't have the attention span.

We have re-started our writing group, the one I co-founded way back in 2003 and was in until about 2011 or '12. We watch Masterclass episodes about writing, talk about writing, read each other's writing and offer critiques and edits, and it's encouraging me to write again myself. I haven't yet, but I'm starting to feel the itch again.

I was re-tooling my own personal budget spreadsheet today and saw that I had a tab labelled "Goal - Iceland." I laughed. Then deleted it. It's still on my to-do list, but... yeah. Later, maybe. Much later.

We also, for the first time in an extremely long time, did not host a NYE gaming party this year, for obvious reasons. Instead, we stayed in, watched the movie The Hustle, which I did not realize at first was just a remake of Dirty, Rotten Scoundrels (which was a much better film, honestly; I love Anne Hathaway but Michael Caine and Steve Martin were just magic). We then played a game of Thurn and Taxis, and then finally got our butts online and played a few Jackbox games with some folks.

Altogether, my holidays this year were small, quiet, kind of weird, but overall good.

Christmas

clawfoot — Sat, 26 Dec 2020 14:27:17 GMT

Happy Christmas, to those who celebrate!

Christmas this year was small and quiet and kind of weird but still quite good. For the first time since I was eight years old, I woke up somewhere other than the house I grew up in on Christmas morning. That was one of the unexpected things that affected me, one of those "Surprise! Sad feelings!" things. It wasn't truly intense, but it hit me upside the head when I wasn't really expecting it.

I am seeing my mother today -- because she lives alone, she is allowed the company of one (1) person not in her household during this lockdown, and it has been decided that it shall be me. So I am driving to KW this morning with Luna, and we will take the dogs for a good run, and she is making me lunch. It won't be an overly long visit, but it will be nice to see her.

Christmas Day was nice. The three of us opened presents at around noon (after a good lazy morning), and I actually got a stocking this year!! Stockings were always one of my very favourite parts about Christmas, and I was so sad when my family stopped doing them when my sister and I reached adulthood (but how do you object? "No, you must continue to shower me in tiny presents and tons of chocolate"? I did try to carry on the tradition myself, buying and stuffing stockings for everyone else, but it didn't stick and was never reciprocated, so I gave up). I hadn't gotten a stocking for over twenty years at this point, I think. So I was absolutely thrilled and so, so pleased. It really did help to recapture some of the Christmas magic for me this weird year.

We also made a nice Christmas dinner -- we roasted a beef, and I made Yorkshire pudding, and I didn't completely screw it up! It's been over a decade since I last made them, and I was worried about it, but I remembered all the tricks and they turned out good! Not great -- they were a bit denser than I'd like, and not as crispy on the top, but I think that was because I didn't get the pan quite hot enough. But they were still good.