2026 Intentions: Learning to play with darkness
...as part of my commitment to embodying power without domination

2025 was a rough year for the world. Here on the west coast of the U.S. it began with fires ravaging Los Angeles and ended with massive flooding across western Washington. This climatic upheaval mirrored what was happening in our collective body: the destruction unleashed by the second Trump administration both within the federal government (the dismantling of USAID, e.g.) and targeting the most vulnerable among us (immigrants and trans people in particular) and an increasingly militarized foreign policy: closing the year with escalating violence against Venezuela. This against a global backdrop of continued fraying of the world order: still no end to the Russian incursion in Ukraine, Israel’s ongoing genocide against Palestinians in Gaza (and increasingly in the West Bank as well), and renewed mass violence in Sudan. Sigh.
But for all the darkness… there was also light. I have drawn inspiration from the large-scale mobilizations here in the U.S. to resist fascism, both protests (like No Kings Day) but even more importantly the deep solidarity in refusing to allow our neighbors to be kidnapped, and the proliferation of mutual aid efforts across the country: Chicago’s efforts to resist ICE provided a great template for the rest of us. A broad movement-led coalition successfully elected Zohran Mamdani as the mayor of New York City, over the furious efforts of the plutocratic Democratic establishment. Globally a wave of what have been dubbed “Gen Z” protests led to regime change in Nepal, Madagascar, and Bulgaria, and continue today in Iran and beyond. I hear echoes of the 2019 wave of movements… this time with more sophistication and greater recognition of the need for transformation, not just revolution.
I’ve become more drawn to the Chinese Zodiac in recent years: I like the idea of cycles, and listening to the different energies of the elements. In 2025 I resonated deeply with the year of the Wood Snake: a time for shedding what no longer serves, for outgrowing what now constrains us, and for listening deeply to what wants to emerge. The Snake is Yin fire: quiet intensity, inward-directed. 2026 brings us the Fire Horse, a rare once-every-60-years co-incidence of double-fire. The Horse already represents Yang fire; the Fire element amplifies that impulse: a year of creative destruction, of energy, of passion, of new beginnings. Ready or not… here it comes.
We’ve already seen Trump’s brand of fire-horse: I’m writing this in the days after his regime kidnapped a sitting head of state in Venezuela. It would be stunning if it weren’t so archetypally him. I see Trump as our Shadow manifest, our exiled and unhealed parts returning to haunt us. This isn’t the first time the U.S. has launched unilateral illegal regime change in Latin America (ahem, Panama), but it is the first time it’s been so brazen… and in the globalized digital media age.
Our fire horse must be more grounded, more disciplined, more directed: in service of building belonging, not only destroying.
Integrating 2024… and practicing 2025
2025 for me ended up being a year of Shadow Integration. Following Carl Jung’s work, this is about trying to bring into the conscious those hidden parts of ourselves that we have exiled to our unconscious (and which can drive our behavior without our full awareness). Like many called to social justice, I am a light worker: I thrive in the positive, the hopeful, the glass-half-full-ness of life, and it fuels my creativity. But: it can also lead me to ignore or suppress the darkness, and those aspects of myself or the world that don’t fit neatly into my hopeful narrative.
I worked on integrating my key lessons from 2024, and give myself… a B minus. I continue to struggle with “detaching with love”: it’s so hard for me to give up on someone’s potential. And I’m understanding in a deeper way the need to create more space between my “yes” and my “and”… but it’s so tied to my wounding that it still feels very effortful. I am getting much better at caring for myself and I’m proud of that, and I found a lot of utility in the “how-to-give-Brian-feedback” framework I arrived at in 2024.
As for my 2025 intentions… maybe a gentleman’s B. I’m proud of myself for my deep collaboration, particularly with core Building Belonging team member Christina, and for incipient explorations with Belonging @ Scale partners Kai Cheng Thom, Rajkumari Neogy, and Pat McCabe. I still struggled to express my feelings externally and allow others to feel my vulnerability… and I fear I didn’t do a great job of letting go of my need for others to recognize my light. Ongoing work that I’ll carry into 2026.
Key learnings from 2025
Almost everything fits under the broad heading of Shadow Integration. I spent the first half of the year exploring my relationship to control and surrender… and closed the year with a deep inquiry into my relationship (or lack thereof) with the “dark” emotions: grief, anger, and shame, and their more extreme manifestations in despair, rage, and hatred.
One frame I used for the work: becoming “right-sized.” Where in my childhood I took on more than was appropriate (too big in too small a self), in my adulthood I fear I’ve swung to the opposite pole: shrinking my bigness for fear of the impact on others. Shadow integration for me has been a process of discernment in reclaiming my appropriate “size” (and yes, I am large :-) This also corresponded to relational work, right-sizing my relationships to where we can best thrive… slow, ongoing, and both beautiful and painful at the same time.
But without further ado, key learnings (which I will spend 2026 trying to integrate!):
1. I am neurodivergent.
The biggest mistake I have made (and, sadly, continue to make) in my life is assuming that other people will think/react the way I do. I fear I have caused lots of avoidable harm (to myself and others!) with that mistaken assumption. While I have long known/accepted that I am different, I just wrote it off as a personality thing: we’re all different, and this is just my unique brand of weirdness. But this year my partner Leela encouraged me to look into it through the lens of neurodiversity, and I learned that many of the ways I think and process the world in my nervous system are very different from most people. I will write a separate post on this, but I am coming to understand that the core feature of my neurodivergence in childhood is what the literature calls “asynchronous development” (which, though different from other expressions of neurodiversity like autism or ADHD, shares “atypical neurological development” as its distinguishing feature):
Advanced cognitive abilities and heightened intensity combine to create inner experiences and awareness that are qualitatively different from the norm.
In my case, I have always seen the world in systems and patterns, and think and perceive and feel at all scales simultaneously (I, We, and World). Where most people develop physically, emotionally, and cognitively at the same pace, my intellectual and empathic capacities (I resonate with some of the discourse around “highly sensitive person”) far exceeded my nervous system’s ability to hold them at a young age.
I was recognized/tracked for my intellectual “gifts” while largely unseen/unsupported in my emotional/existential grappling. This has been a profound shift in my self-understanding around my sense of loneliness and alienation, an “aha” that I am still sitting with. It is also giving me a lot more compassion for others, and helping me replace my self-protective judgement with more curiosity. Instead of an angry “why can’t you see?!” I’m trying for a curious “what do you see?”
2. I have shame.
This is one of those things that most people would react to with “no shit, Sherlock” but for neurodivergent me it felt significant: I can be a little slow sometimes. I was hung up on Brené Brown’s definition of shame as “I am bad” and associations with low self-worth, which I don’t resonate with. And I struggled to differentiate my adaptive trauma response (which I acknowledge) from the feeling of “shame.”
But a long session with ChatGPT helped me name the specific form of shame I struggle with: what I am accepting as “relational capacity shame.” This is the adaptive mechanism downstream from my trauma, and shows up as me not trusting others to be able to hold all of me… so I hold back and don’t share my full complexity / humanity / emotionality / bigness. I found it helpful to distinguish between my trauma response (which shows up as bodily activation—think fight/flight/freeze/fawn etc), whereas my shame shows up as subtle armoring, withdrawal, hypervigilance, and attempting to manage other people’s reactions/emotions (more in the cognitive/emotional realm). Thus they require different approaches for healing.
Sticking with our Jungian theme, this looks like me projecting onto others before they can project onto me… a self-protective strategy I would very much like to let go of.
3. Once I embrace my light… it’s much easier to take accountability for my shadow.
Last summer I finally welcomed in an exiled piece of my Light: what the Enneagram calls “the Challenger.” This too will land with those who know me as not-at-all-surprising… like I said, I can be slow. For years I’ve hidden behind my primary Enneagram type of “the Enthusiast,” finding it more palatable in social justice circles, where the Challenger is viewed with suspicion and even hostility, especially expressed in bodies that looks like mine/dominant culture.
But it turns out: I’m definitely ALSO a Challenger, and once I acknowledged that I found myself much more able (to the great relief of my collaborators) to take accountability for the Shadow dimensions of that gift. As Xavier Dagba notes: the brightest light casts the darkest shadow 😬.
4. I aspire to credibility, not legibility.
After one challenging professional episode last Fall, I made this vow: I will let go of my commitment to being misunderstood. It was this realization: my shadow finds safety in being misunderstood 😬. If a funder chooses not to support my work, I can say “well, they just didn’t get it.” This saves me from the vulnerability of rejection, or the possibility that maybe they did understand… and there’s something I’m missing. But I want to face that fear, and to take on the responsibility of communicating across the divide.
I fear that I am actually not legible: that my ideas and my neurodiversity—the way my brain works and the way I move through the world—are actually not understandable to the kinds of progressive funders I’m interested in inviting into transformative philanthropy. As a trusted friend told me: “Brian, your ideas aren’t credible. They’re just too far out there for most people… especially in the context of a short 45-minute pitch session. But: you are credible.”
So I’m going to try something different: instead of asking/insisting that others understand (or if I’m being honest: not believing that they will and so not giving them a chance)… I’m going to ask them to believe in me. Not to understand cognitively, but to trust somatically. I won’t ask you to understand my ideas (though I would love that!); I will ask you to trust in my competence, commitment, and capacity. (This in the context of fundraising, but it has broader applicability for how I try to connect with others—including my parents, e.g.—around my work).
One helpful dimension here for me that I’m still sitting with. My parenting partner Jennifer also introduced me to Human Design work this year (speaking of things I don’t cognitively understand but nonetheless can deeply appreciate), and got me a session that I found really powerful. Part of what it revealed—which feels consonant with my emerging self-understanding in the context of neurodivergence—is that things which feel intuitive/obvious/true to me do NOT feel that way to most people. Which leaves a credibility gap that at best leaves my interlocutors feeling confused; at worst mistrustful. Understanding this difference in our design (or our neurotypes, if you prefer) feels like a powerful unlock for learning how to communicate across that gap: if I know something is likely to be met with skepticism, I can acknowledge that pre-emptively and support my interlocutors in meeting me in my difference.
As with 2024’s lessons, these feel like insights that I have intellectually grasped but will take lots of work to actually integrate into my body and change my behavior: very much work-in-progress for the year ahead.
I’m not sure where to capture this, but I did want to celebrate another major victory this year: I did some incredible work on my jaw, which I recognize as the central axis of my trauma and tension, the hinge between my head and my heart, between my calm external presentation and my often-intense/existential interior/emotional life. During my psychedelic journey in late September, I was able to recognize some of my jaw tension as ancestral pain and trauma. It was stunning: I worked up my matrilineal line and gained consent to let go of a burden that many of us had held for far too long… and it was like flipping a switch. My jaw has been SO much lighter since then. It’s still an early warning sign that I’m approaching the limits of my capacity (when it starts firing, I need to pay attention!), but it is no longer a constant tension.
Some choice quotes to capture for posterity (from therapists, partners, and insights that all landed in me with the “oof” of truth and helped me arrive at these core lessons):
“Brian: he who holds space for everyone except himself”
“Stop tolerating abuse to get to love”
“You’ve been living in other people’s projections your whole life”
“What gets exiled comes back hostile” (Martin Shaw, quoted by Tim Merry)
“Healing is about becoming better at feeling” (this one via Afsa Rosette)
“I wasn’t emotionally developed enough to handle you with the care you need” (also Afsa)
“The more you feel your emotions, the more others will be able to feel you”
“I didn’t deserve that” (my personal unlock to access grief)
“What is the sensation in my body of giving or receiving love?” (my self-love practice)
“Belonging is the antidote to shame” (hat-tip to Rajkumari for this one)
2026 intentions
My intentions are efforts to act on and integrate my learnings, in the direction of my calling. Back in February I arrived at a new commitment, building on my intentions for 2025:
I am a commitment to embodying power without domination. I will bridge across differences, shining my light without insisting that others see it.
This still feels right, and I’ll carry it with me into 2026. Here are the four intentions I’ll be working with this year:
1. Listen to the darkness.
This is a subtle but important shift from my 2025 work. Last year I focused relentlessly on integration: naming and reclaiming my gifts and my light, in order to take more accountability for my shadow… and bring it into my consciousness where I could work with it. But I still saw darkness as something to be overcome, integrated, rendered in service of light. This year I’m leaning into something that feels very edgy for me: just accepting the darkness, and listening to its wisdom without trying to transform it. Darkness and light are different energies; they are a polarity that work together. What if the work isn’t to integrate, but to respect the difference?
Soul-friend Lindley Mease introduced me this year to the indigenous Aymara concept of Ch’ixi, which I find very challenging to my natural disposition toward integration and higher synthesis. Ch’ixi asks us to hold polarities without trying to integrate them. Here’s Silvia Rivera Cusicanqui:
The notion of ch’ixi… reflects the Aymara idea of something that is and is not at the same time. It is the logic of the included third. A ch’ixi color gray is white but is not white at the same time; it is both white and its opposite, black… The potential of undifferentiation is what joins opposites… ch’ixi combines the Indian world and its opposite without ever mixing them.
As a natural bridger/connector/integrator… this cosmology is provocative for me. I’ve always been drawn to difference, but my instinct is always “to include and transcend”, always seeking a higher synthesis. What if… I didn’t? This points to my work for the year: can I listen to the darkness… without insisting that it become integrated with the light?
2. Explore my relationship to grief… and anger.
This is related to the above: I’m aware that I don’t have much relationship to the “dark” emotions. I can access the full range of “light” emotions: happiness and joy, curiosity and awe, e.g. But sadness takes intentionality for me to drop into… and I don’t have any relationship with despair. Anger takes effort… and I don’t feel connected to rage. This matters for two reasons: one, I want to reclaim my full humanity. And two: I see all my work as fractal, and I understand that the energies driving fascism and this moment are ones that I can’t locate in my own body. I fear that I won’t be able to respond effectively to dynamics that I can’t understand/feel in myself.
I want to bring in an update to my 2024 lesson on “detaching with love” and re-work last year’s intention around “naming the ouch” (it turns out, I’m still not very good at that). I’ve learned that when I feel pain or am hurt, the first thing I do is humanize/empathize with the perpetrator. There is Light in this: I refuse to fight fire with fire, and I recognize the wounding that is driving their behavior. And there is Shadow: I tolerate harm—and even abuse—in an often-vain effort to encourage their healing… telling myself that on the other side of their healing genuine love awaits. Ouch. Instead this year I want to try this practice:
Feel my own pain first: name harm (to myself!) and allow my nervous system to feel the injury.
State my boundary clearly: “This behavior hurts me. It’s not okay.”
Hold compassion second, not first: compassion as truth, not bypass: sit with their experience AFTER I sit with my own (ugh so hard for me).
Let their healing be their responsibility: instead of my relational labor. Check in with myself about my own willingness, what the relationship means to me, an honest assessment of their capacity… and ask their consent (both to do the healing work, and to accept support). Absent those conditions… it is time to detach with love.
3. Experiment with the Embodied Exemplar.
I first named this archetype last January in Borikén… and this year I want to lean into it. What if in addition to my work as a Bridger, connecting people… I also practiced the role of the Beacon, shining a light to invite people back home? There are a couple components here: the first is practicing what I preach, which is acknowledging that we trust people first, and ideas second. Am I willing to be more vulnerable and make myself the thing I am asking people to invest in? I’ve long sought more examples of the embodiment I aspire to: power without domination. Collaboration without coercion. Could I begin to share my own embodiment as one example in that direction? Not as answer, but as invitation? Instead of seeking others to follow, or asking others to follow me… to invite mutual accompaniment on a difficult and lonely journey? After all, as Gloria Anzaldúa reminds us: the bridge is made by walking.
The second is to lean more into story, as part of my commitment to letting go of being misunderstood. Yes my theory of global systems transformation is complex, of necessity. And: it is my responsibility to find a way to communicate and connect with others if I want to be successful (both fundraising and in inviting people to join this vision). Story is the bridge… I want to practice telling my story, seeking credibility rather than legibility. Connection first; transformation only occurs in relationship.
4. I want to be more gentle… and playful.
Especially within myself. One of my main takeaways from my psychedelic immersion in early October was discovering that my inner monologue is a relentless taskmaster: not unkind per se, but constantly speaking the language of urgency, of need, of imperative. And: I really do NOT like that. It feels coercive. So instead I want to work on shifting that internal monologue into invitations. It was this conclusion: there is no healing without consent.
I’m pairing “play” here, which was another takeaway from my psychedelic journey: I long for more ease and playfulness in my life. I’ve carried a (largely self-imposed) weight of responsibility since early childhood, and while I don’t want to put it down… I also don't want it to crush me. I think of this as integrating “exceptional Brian” (the brain-forward meta-thinking and future-oriented neurodivergent me) with “playful Brian” (the heart- and body-centered flamboyant unicorn me that delights in the present): I’m coming to understand that both are different ways to answer the call my soul feels summoned to.
Since high school I’ve resonated with the quandary expressed in this E.B. White quote: “I arise each morning torn between the desire to improve the world and the desire to enjoy it. This makes it difficult to plan the day.” Recently it occurred to me for the first time: what if those aren’t in opposition? What if one way to improve the world… is by deeply reveling in it? Not as hedonistic escape, but as reverent appreciation? What if play is the highest expression of aliveness? What if Eros and Logos are not opposed… but different paths to the same end? I’ve long been good at “fun”: at its best, I derive great enjoyment from my work. But that is a different energy from play. The paradox: I am coming to believe that play is one way to change the world… and for it to be “play” I have to relinquish that intention and give myself over to the experience. I’d like to do more of that this year.
Domains for practice
No healing without consent… and no transformation without practice. Working with darkness is not for the faint of heart, and I know myself well enough to know that I will need well-held containers and trusted confidantes… including those who can tell me hard things in ways that I can hear. I will continue to look to my close partners for support and accountability, as well as the Belonging @ Scale crew as a container for practice with kindred spirits.
A few intentional practice grounds I’m considering:
The Light Dark Institute. This was one of my most powerful immersions last year, and continues to reverberate in me. I’m hoping to return to deepen my exploration of power, control, and surrender.
Collective containers for grief. I’m not sure what form this will take yet, but I’ve been slowly wading into these waters, principally through the work of Francis Weller. I am eager to explore collective spaces, and probably men-only spaces. I’m considering the next Men’s Jam through YES, and am asking support from friends like Jordan Lyon who are more familiar with this edgy terrain.
Return to sport. It’s been over a year since reconstructive surgery to repair my torn ACL and meniscus; I’m been really missing team sports. I’m actively doing physical therapy now to get back to full-contact: I intend to try basketball this winter, and to return to Ultimate in the spring/summer. I miss camaraderie, competition, and the delight of play with diverse humans.
Podcasts and conferences: I want to challenge myself this year to share more about what I’ve learned, and to convene and engage in more public spaces. My sister Trina and I are talking about launching a podcast. I’d love to present/workshop at convenings/conferences with kindred spirits, and challenge myself to communicate complexity through story, to connect without requiring shared understanding.
Fundraising. I’ve never liked fundraising, because I see it as the dominant culture I’m trying to transcend/let go of: it reminds me of my lawyer/debate background, and the energy of “selling” and “convincing” that I find so draining. But: the revolution must be funded, and I’m challenging myself this year to share my story, to invite partners to join us in resourcing this important work, and to take a chance on something bold. This is a fractal domain that will test all of my intentions and learnings: it feels hard, vulnerable, and necessary. I will need support to help me hold myself accountable.
2025 Top 10 list
Finally, for those who’ve made it this far, a parting gift :-)
I used to do a very labor-intensive “best of” list each year… but now I hope you’ll accept in its stead my top-10 list of podcasts and articles that influenced my thinking and perspective last year.
Regular readers will see their influence in my 12 newsletter posts this year. The thread I spent most of my energy on was trying to understand fascism: its roots in victimhood, its present political manifestation in the United States, and the unprocessed grief and shame that animates it.
Without further ado:
Grief Is the Healing: Malkia Devich-Cyril on Organizing Through Loss, Fascism Barometer Podcast with Ejeris Dixon, 2025.
The Long Dark, with Francis Weller. How to Survive the End of the World Podcast, with adrienne maree and Autumn Brown, 2025.
Money is a Claim on Energy, with Nate Hagens. The Regeneration will be Funded podcast, 2024.
When toxic polarization becomes a civil war–and what we can do about it, with John Paul Lederach. Nonviolence Radio podcast, 2025.
Mariame Kaba, Love in a F*cked up World podcast, with Dean Spade, 2025.
For Those Who See What Others Don’t Yet, by Anna Branten. Substack: 2025.
How I Journeyed Through the Darkness of Collapse, by Ernesto van Peborgh Substack: 2025.
The Inner Work of Systems Change, by Adrian Röbke. Network Weaver: 2025.
Donnie Maclurcan on Post-Growth Economics & the Future Beyond Capitalism, Better Future with Michael Mezz podcast, 2025.
Inner and Outer Democracy: The Practice of True Inclusion. Tara Brach podcast, 2024.
Best wishes to all for a fruitful and generative year of the Fire Horse. Onward, together.
In community,
Brian








