Daydreamer

chocobeans — Fri, 23 Nov 2018 01:48:40 GMT

Every time I think of writing in here, I get overwhelmed because of how much time has passed. I guess I don't need to get through every possible milestone but it would be nice to have down. I've been keeping a pen and paper journal because it can't be good for your eyes to always be in front of a screen, whether it is school, work, or downtime.

Sometimes I think nothing out of the ordinary has changed, besides my age (I'm still trying to adjust to now being a 30-something. I'm still in denial. How did that happen?), but that's not entirely true. I finally finished school. FINALLY! I got all the degrees that always felt like a far-off dream, including my master's and I'm now working full time in the actual field I went to school for. Who'd have thunk it? Dreams do come true, I guess. It's not the final stop but it's in the field and I'm happy to be getting a real paycheck with benefits and can save properly and pay off my loans (rather aggressively, if I do say so myself) and even splurge on an item or two (still trying to be ok with doing that once in a while but I still have poor person/unemployed person mentality). Prior to Sunday, I'd have said things are just about the same elsewhere but I'm actually not sure yet so I can't even give a proper update on that. I know I'm very likely speaking out to avoid and I miss when this place was quite the place to be but I can't lie and say I haven't been sucked into other parts of the internet. I come here usually to see celeb gossip so I never really abandoned LJ. It would be far too sad to do so because it's got way too much info about myself on here and I got to stay in contact with so many nice people.

But it's nice to type here again. I wish I could say for certain that it would be more often but I really don't know. I haven't been consistent with my pen-and-paper journal so I can't say how likely it may be.

12/13/14

chocobeans — Sun, 14 Dec 2014 04:35:30 GMT

No reason for the update at the moment. Just want to see the last sequential date in my lifetime. Nerdy, I know. I'll bask in it, thank you!

chocobeans — Sun, 23 Mar 2014 03:45:41 GMT

Every time I mean to write in here, I don't. I really should. I guess most things are just stagnant right now. Not necessarily a bad thing but they just are. I am trying to remind myself to focus on the good and positive things. Trying is the key word. Right now I should be trying to get myself focused on writing my autobiographical statement for my formal admission to the social work program at school. The crazy thing is that I'm going to have to do this in about a year or less for grad school. The thought makes me want to take a long nap. Woe is me, etc. There are worse fates.

Baby rabies

chocobeans — Sun, 24 Nov 2013 19:32:54 GMT

Not a disease but just biology doing what it does best. Sometimes I think about it, what kind of mother I would be and what a kid of my own would be like and act like, and it makes my mind race. I know that I'm in no position to have a kid, financial or otherwise. I guess it's just me being 27 and nature kicking in. I know I'm a general mess right now (though if we're being honest I've been a mess for a few years now) and probably a little too selfish and vain for me to have a kid. I know that you can change your whole life and perspective the moment it happens. At least with some folks. Sometimes I start thinking about all the bad things that have happened to me and how I would feel like a failure of a human being if any of that would happen to my child or children. Realistically I know there's no way to get the world to back of and not be a shitty place and people to not be shitty creatures. I guess it's just a nice thought to indulge in though, even if it's just because of nature doing what it does best.

Clearly I'm prattling on about nothing.

chocobeans — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 00:26:13 GMT

Dermatitis can suck it. I'm just sayin'.

It feels like nothing is working. Maybe once winter is over my skin won't hate me so much.

chocobeans — Fri, 28 Dec 2012 03:37:00 GMT

Has LJ been slow for anyone else lately? I wanna blame it on that and not my ISP.

26 on the 26th

chocobeans — Sat, 13 Oct 2012 02:53:15 GMT

So, the birthday turned out to be quite nice. Pretty laid back and relaxing. Actually turned out to be one of the more lucrative birthdays I've had in quite a long time. Gift cards and money and a new phone too! I got myself a Samsung Galaxy S3 on Tuesday and it really has been taking up a lot of my time. Thankfully I have this weekend to continue getting better acquainted with it. I still need the protective stuff so I don't kill it too damn quickly. I will miss my BlackBerry's physical keyboard. If anything, I wish more phones would still cater to that demographic. I wouldn't even mind a slight bulk if that was the case. I'm not as frustrated with the virtual keyboard as I thought I would be but it still is taking some getting used to.

Aldo tried to set up a surprise birthday dinner thing but my cousin couldn't make it as she was out of town and our other friend is a flake (we all have one, don't we?). My brother and sister came and it was really nice. He chose the restaurant because it was southern cuisine and hearty and was made of all the rich, creamy, buttery things that I usually avoid on a daily basis. Also, there was red velvet cake. Who can say no to red velvet. Ugh, so damn delicious. I did feel the meal a few hours later since it felt like there was a lot of pressure in my belly. Too much mac and cheese, I guess. I decided to detox the whole next week.

A boy certainly knows how to wear a girl down, I'll say that much. It seems as though that's always a good way to get into someone's good graces, especially a girl. Do right by her birthday and she might just melt, even just a tiny bit.

So, the champagne birthday went well considering how sucky the big 2-5 was. I was lucky not to have class that day too so lots of sleeping in. So weird how much older I'm getting. When did this happen? I remember thinking turning 26 on the 26th would never happen but it came and went and I'm still getting older. At the very least, I do feel like I'm finally come down from this quarter-life crisis that I think I've been spiraling in for the last 3 years. Here's hoping I can keep it that way or at least until 30.

Back to the books

chocobeans — Wed, 05 Sep 2012 05:41:21 GMT

I should be doing a quick reading and typing up a summary and showering but I might as well do this.

School started last week Monday. So far, so good. It's also a week into it so I'm sure I'll be bitching and complaining long before the semester is over. I guess because it's been a good 3 years since I graduated, I'm feeling particularly more focused than I was when I did this the first time around. Also, I don't feel so bogged down with depression as I was back then. Not to say that things are 100% peachy but considering how good I have it at the moment, I can't complain. I might even get a position with work study so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for sure that my hours work out with the counseling center. I know it will be mostly front desk stuff, which I'm rather fluent in but I'm still happy for something with a paycheck. Amen and hallelujah.

Part of me wants to get on with the social work courses but I shouldn't rush things. If the plan goes accordingly, I'll be in school until at least 30 or so since grad school will be eating my time. I just want to do well to get into the social work school in the city since it's so competitive and really, really good in that arena. Baby steps, I suppose. I'm sure in 3 years I'll be crying at all of this. I'm almost 26 and I definitely feel like I should be on a career path already. Not to say odd jobs aren't fun - they make for fabulous conversation pieces - but it definitely feels like it's time, you know? Also, sometimes Facebook doesn't make things better, from a self-esteem standpoint. I'm always happy to see former classmates do well, especially if they were some of the nicer ones to you back in the day. I guess it's better to have some kind of motivation then none at all. I know the folks are probably still hoping that I might change my mind and do nursing or something related but I guess they'll have to deal. I'll get that financial stability one way or another, even if it's not the way they hoped. At the very least, they should be proud that I'm back in school. It'd be pretty cool to be the first in my family to get that 2nd degree and that master's. The thought makes me smile.

=D

chocobeans — Mon, 13 Aug 2012 03:18:37 GMT

I'm clearly losing too much weight. Just bought new bras and, even after tightening the straps, there's still spaces. Nothing too significant that will make me look ridiculous but there's still room that doesn't completely fill out. Oh the pains of getting fit.

Clearly, a first world problem. Don't pay me much mind.

chocobeans — Fri, 20 Jul 2012 07:00:36 GMT

Summer has been rather nice to me. I haven't even minded the heat all that much. It's part of the deal, I suppose. As for life lately, I could probably complain but the way I'm looking at it is that I've got at least 2 out of 3 things going in my favor, I shouldn't bitch too much, even if I obsess about it my head on a constant basis.

Kind of excited to be going back to school though I know I'll be bitching about that within weeks of starting. I'll have the benefit of being a bit older and having taken a few years off. I also got awarded work-study so I'll have something of a steady income until the money is done. Ah, to have an income again, no matter how limited or small. It's gonna be nice to not pinch pennies too much. In the meantime, I'll continue to soak up whatever knowledge I can at my internship. It is actually pretty interesting despite having to obvious intern-y things.

Health is lovely too (knocking on wood as I type this) and there's a roof over my head. I even met up with an old classmate and his fiance in the city and it was so much fun, even if we were all melting. I haven't seen them since last summer though we've spoken and they just got engaged. It was fun and needed and it was almost like being on an inspirational talk show without the audience or the cameras or the fact that it would have been locally, regionally, or nationally televised.

The love life is still a bit a disaster in all honesty but that will work itself out eventually as things tend to do. Definitely wish it was sooner rather than later but what fun would that be? I was advised to do better, obviously, and I know I will and I hope so for my own sake. I can't wait to say that everything is even and stable but the moment that happens the universe like to mess with us mere mortals. Too much stability is some kind of beacon, apparently.

I'm trying to get back into my hobbies and I think that I'm cleaning up my life, slowly but surely, I'll be able to do it. Even writing is getting better and less of a chore or a block. Now, if I could just go to sleep like a normal person and stop depriving myself of my needed 6-8 hours.

Also, as something that means nothing to anyone else, this blog turned 10 years old on the 14th. Can't believe I've been blogging here that long. It's been over 11 years really but LJ has been quite the mainstay and archive library. Whew, life, stop moving so fast.

chocobeans — Thu, 17 May 2012 20:46:21 GMT

This too shall pass.

The Strivers Row

chocobeans — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 18:45:53 GMT

So about two or three weeks ago, I got into some terrible altercation that caused me to become the stereotypical black woman I've tried my damnedest to avoid. I planned on writing it down here. I'm happy I didn't because I've gotten a much better memory to overwrite that.

Thank goodness for holding out. Last Friday I went to a slam poetry showcase. It was amazing. The fact that it's nearly a whole week later and I still feel the awesomeness of it is beautifully amazing. I invited a cousin and a friend of mine but they, for whatever reason, couldn't get back to me so I went by myself. It's fine really. Seeing as how I need to make new friends and I need to learn to force myself to go to things alone now that I'm newly unattached (it's still a weird thing to come to terms with, let alone say or write), this was a good first experiment. There was a group of poets that I found that made me want to go in particular. I'm sure those of you on Facebook see how much I put their videos up. Since I found them in January I've been looking like a fiend to see where they might perform around here. Thank God almighty because a few of them performed at BAM. I'm doubly lucky because of the fact that the ticket was rather inexpensive. Sure, as someone who's bank account is hemorrhaging to $0, it was definitely something to bit my nails over but seeing as I had a crappy birthday and a less-than-eventful Christmas, even for myself, I figured why not give myself something as a gift despite the time of year it is. Seriously, it was so freaking worth it. It was like seeing a celebrity for me. I'm not even one for celebrities but these people are so inspiring. I wish I could be so brave and so elaborate to do what they do but I appreciate the fact that they can and say what I can't put into words so many times. I think the best part was that I was able to met two of them after the show and one of them even gave me a hug! Just writing and thinking about it is giving me the Kool-Aid smile. I just wish I said something slightly more intelligent. I had a whole thing planned to make myself sound better than I came across but the fact that I somehow overcame my shyness and introduced myself is A+ credit alone. I really hope they come back to NY during the summer. I'll be sure to beg and plead and bargain with someone for some money if I'm not working by then.

So I'll spam at the videos that two of the performers recited at the showcase here and maybe you all will like it just as much as I do. And if not, well, at least you dipped your palette into something new, yes?

chocobeans — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 05:46:16 GMT

It's weird and probably a bit self-indulgent on my part but I would really like to go on vacation. I feel like I should work everyday for the next year before declaring that but I'm just at that threshold where I want to exit out of life at the moment. I know how it sounds but this is just how I feel.

Above water

chocobeans — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 14:58:45 GMT

I should have started classes last Friday but financial aid and loans didn't come through. To say that I'm trying to keep my head above is not a phrase that's accurately doing my feelings justice. My mother was even willing to put the cost of my tuition on her card until my loan came through and I would pay her back with the money I received. However, because the universe is so hilarious, the school doesn't accept Visa. Really, all you can do is laugh in frustration at that point.

Amazingly, I'm not still under my covers and eat everything that's unhealthy under the sun (though I've indulged, trust me). I can hardly do the hobbies that are usually relaxing to me. I'm still struggling through my next sims post and goodness knows when I've last turned on my consoles. I hate that I got so ahead of myself and I got super excited. I know it's all a part of life's many disappointments but I've been so idle in my life for so long that I didn't think it was possible for me to feel even more put down, at least in this department. Even looking at the loan application is daunting. They want references, from family members I think, that aren't anywhere near me. I'd love to know why but this is the American school system after all. God help us if they ever want to make something like education over money a priority.

Still handing in my name, number, and resume to anyone willing to look at it. May go out today and try and find something today but I might be on a cake hunt since my mother and her friends are thinking of throwing my dad a little post-birthday surprise party get together thing. Cake is always good, I guess.

Très sérieux

chocobeans — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 12:00:50 GMT

I had to go to school and bring in my immunization card last week. On the back of it there were big black scribbles. I thought it was a doctor's signature or something equally sloppy. My mother told me that when I was a small lass that I took some pen or marker and started writing, in a very serious manner. Apparently I started a writing a little on my brother's card too. She said that I always needed something to read or write on. It's good to know that some things don't change.

Down the chimney

chocobeans — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 23:35:19 GMT

Trying to stay positive and not indulge in things I'd just be reiterating. So, on to the good stuff, hm?

Anyone interested in getting a Christmas card? If so, feel free to e-mail me (auraelian AT yahoo DOT com) or leave your name and address here, where all comments are screened.

It's not much but certainly better than indulging in less-than-happy thoughts.

chocobeans — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 22:07:43 GMT

I hate when the little things set me off. I hate being set off at all. It makes me seem like an ungrateful little twerp. But damn if it isn't the little things that just poo-poo all over your day. Some days I think I could probably lose all my limbs and be OK but the moment my shoelaces are stained, I want to set the house on fire. Then I feel like I can't air my grievances because it will only sound like horrible complaining and me seeming like ungrateful little twerp. I remember way back forever ago when I express some kind of frustration about something, probably just to get it off my chest, and then being chastised about being ungrateful for the rest of the day. Needless to say I didn't say anything else for the rest of the day to avoid adding anymore gasoline to the fire. It's funny what stays with use from the ago of three or three minutes ago. I dunno, maybe I was never meant to be around people who much care to hear complaints that aren't their own. I guess that's one of the many things I can appreciate about writing. Air all the grievances I want without eyes rolling or over-exaggerated, exasperated sighing or having a damn smartphone be a part of the conversation or being the third wheel to Person B and their smartphone. Yes, I'm probably too sensitive as I've heard since the first grade but so what? Balls, is what I say to that.

I guess it really comes down to wanting to be respected as much as I respect others (a simple concept I got since I was 5 or 6 years old. Not that hard people! WWJD or, at the very least, out of common decency) and wanting to be heard. God knows I've talked until I was blue in the face (or, in my case, probably a shade of purple) about this to people I have to be around but no one should be screaming on mute. It's exhausting and tears will likely fall from such frustration. Why is anyone so surprised when I don't say anything about anything to them? I guess I'm just waiting for anyone who actually hears.

chocobeans — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 06:08:10 GMT

Some years are better than others. This year feels like too much & I don't know why.

chocobeans — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 15:37:28 GMT

Oh, summer, where did you go? Why must you always make a guest appearance and an early exit?

chocobeans — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 12:35:52 GMT

Hm, seems I won't be able to go to school unless it's for nursing. Apparently the Hunter program is a waste of time and I could have been half way done or done already with that second bachelors. Ugh, I have to figure shit out and fast. This is getting a little unbearable. I'm still trying to feel idealistic and trying to avoid a loan if possible but the noose is tightening around my neck. Also, trying to look for scholarships is so damn tedious I want to cry.

Fucking Haitians, I swear.

Daddy dearest

chocobeans — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 11:44:29 GMT

It's funny. We all hear that if you don't have a father or father figure that you're screwed, in some way or another. If you have one that doesn't quite measure up, essentially being some kind of 1950s model, you're screwed. I had a friend sleep over last month and she, myself and my sister got into the topic of fathers. She didn't grow up with her father and my sister and I did. It's strange that no matter what happens, especially to girls, that they're somehow messed up when it comes to life and relationships of their preferred sex. I don't know what happened between my parents getting together until the present day bit it might not be in one's best interest to say that they can't stand females and that they're good for nothing and useless, etc. Not in a whispered voice, mind you and when you have a house consisting of a wife and two daughters. I'll be surprised if my brother is a good boyfriend. We haven't exactly had the best models. Myself? I'm slowly realizing that I'm kind of becoming like my mother. In a way With that realization and admission, I need someone to load the shotgun ready. I do have a tendency to put up with my fair share, and after some 8 years with the same person, I suppose that's bound to happen.

This is nothing that has happened recently. I'm just up from not having slept and it was going through my mind, along with some other (ir)relevant subjects. It's weird because my mother has told my sister and I that my father treats us like princesses and treats us as such. Thing is, around this house at least, being called a prince or princess is pretty much an insult. Strange, I'm aware. My brother would be exempt because he's never here and my mother ends up doing everything for him anyway while bitching and/or yelling at me about whatever he might have done to put her in a foul mood. Whenever they used the term princess us to one of us, it would be the equivalent of calling someone a lazy, no good, worthless, such-and-such. There are plenty of females who go around loving the word princess and being told that they are since they were little girls and wanting that for their weddings, etc. If I was ever told that by someone, like a guy, the first instinct is to get defensive. I then have to say never to call me that because of X,Y,Z.

I'm aware of the fact that no relationship can be picture-perfect and I'm definitely of an age where I'm more than aware that my parents aren't these mythical, flawless creatures. I don't think my father and I will ever have one of those relationships where they improve once I move out or get a bit older or have children. Admittedly, he's a bit of a bully. Definitely the kind of person who will pick on someone smaller and/or weaker and/or female. Classic bully behavior. I've seen it for a nice majority of elementary school. Perhaps I'm just getting to point where I need to be aware of male behavior and "daddy issues". I'm sure I have them though these days it wouldn't be surprising if the "experts" said all of us females do. I am becoming quite aware that I'm having a tendency to put up with more than I ought to, than I thought I ever would. But that's a story for another day.

Perhaps the lack of sleep is just allowing me to open up a bit more when I should be doing something beneficial to my health...like sleeping.

Pop pop

chocobeans — Sat, 06 Aug 2011 06:58:52 GMT

I found out that I was accepted to the non-degree classes at a school in the city. Got almost the same reaction from my parents. It's a shame because at least I'm doing something relatively productive. Yes, it would be great for the credits to go degree status. I want to be able to take the three classes that are available for non-matriculated students so I can have the chance to enroll for the matriculated courses. It might be a bit long winded but Hunter has a very well-respected social work program in the city. At the very least they could be happy that I'm going to a CUNY school like they've been begging. Ugh, I don't know. I need to start playing the lottery since this job thing is becoming super grim. I hate having to be so dependent on them for tuition and just about everything else. Yes, it's definitely better than being homeless but how else can I move on up if I can't just move as it is? Two years without school is long enough. I do miss it to an extent. Just not the last minute cram sessions or procrastinating with papers.

I'm hoping that DSU hasn't rejected my request to deter. No news is good news I guess. This whole thing is frustrating. I do have a bank situation that might help me out a bit. I'm hoping that things work themselves out. I just want to feel like I'm doing something meaningful and/or productive again, even if just for myself.

So the big 2-5 is coming up and I'm wondering if I should just stay off the grid the whole day or throw myself a party. I'm afraid of being disappointed about the party situation or not doing anything and regretting it. Maybe it should be a little bit of something fun and little under-the-radar. I doubt it won't be a bit expensive but perhaps paintball. Gets the aggression out, even if I'm afraid to get hit myself. I can be such a pussy.

chocobeans — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 09:28:04 GMT

It's hard to believe that you're first on anyone's priority list when no one takes what you have with any importance. Must everything be in one extreme or another?

In other news, this heat is super ridiculous. I'm just glad I'm not down south. I'm might have actually exploded.

Free money

chocobeans — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 15:42:44 GMT

Lost my wallet yesterday. Serves me right for trying to be so "social". And in Union Square of all places. I just had to check the balance on my card. Why couldn't I wait until I got home? I know this happens all the time but it doesn't make things any better. I had gift cards in there too and I have to be able to collect all of the free money I can. Not likely, but I would want to believe that whoever might have found it will have the common human decency to return it. I'd like to believe but I'm not about to hold my breath either.

And yay for me. I found out that I have to pay $17.50 for a replacement permit. A permit that I need to retake my test in less than two weeks. $17.50 that I don't have in my account. Yeah, that's how broke I am. I have some money on the gift cards but, on the off chance I get the wallet back, those will probably be used up quick fast. Free money, down the drain. At least I didn't put the $50 in the wallet like I had planned or deposited it. Ugh, what a way to start the 4th weekend. Awesome.

ASAP

chocobeans — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 07:41:50 GMT

You know, it really is a shame that my parents aren't happy for me, even if they're pretending. At least my brother, cousins, and everyone else is happy for me. They have been consistently talking about going back to school for the longest time, possibly even before I graduated. I showed my father the acceptance letter, to please my mother at the very least (who didn't have the best reaction herself), and he looked at it for a quick second and just acted like it wasn't even there. The thing is there's a nice blue letter head on top of a beige background. It isn't quite hard to miss, really. I puttered around the kitchen, then took a showered, and puttered around a little more, and went upstairs. So much for that. No wonder I never say or show him anything. Doesn't help that my mother wants to do the big lecture about what terrible children we are for not giving my father a Father's Day anything. Of course, this is the only time she ever wants to use the bible for her (or his, mostly) benefit. Ask me when's the last time she even touched the book and Lord knows we have more than a few copies - in English and French.

He loves to say that all we use him for his as a provider. I'll try to remember that is what parents aren't suppose to be. It's whatever though. I suppose that it's a cultural thing too. I know some parents count down the days from birth to the 18th birthday (or whatever the legal age is outside the states). Ideally, they want me to stay home 'til I'm married. Which would be fine and dandy if I knew when that might be or if I'd ever be married. I appreciate the ability to save up if and where possible but damn. Is the ability to "keep an eye on me" more important than an amazing opportunity for an advanced degree? I guess if this were for nursing or becoming some hot shot doctor (since those are the only degrees that Haitians seem to be able to physically say), they'd throw in half of their retirement savings.

Well, if there's any possible way to get to DSU with little to no debt, I'm all for it. I've been burning my eyes in front of the computer for now and I have to call both the office of admissions and financial aid office. Ah, bureaucracy, going to school wouldn't be quite the same without you.