a grad student's "dead" journal

Almost done...

2023-12-30T20:41:12Z

I just finished my last fall semester in my MA program and I am feeling sad, anxious, and stressed.

I am feeling sad because I made so many friends in the spring and this past semester and now I'm realizing that I won't get to spend as much time with them after I graduate at the end of spring semester next year. I was elected an officer for my department's graduate student association and it's been so great running a creative writing circle for the graduate students. But I'm sad and already feeling nostalgic even though my last semester hasn't even started yet. I'm also sad cause I found out that one of my favorite professors from this past semester is planning on teaching an undergraduate Austen class and before she found out I was graduating in the spring, she asked me if I wanted to be the TA for the course. When I told her I couldn't and why, she looked so sad. She knows that one of my main focuses of research is Jane Austen and she knows how disappointed I've been about not being able to teach a literature course. I'm gonna miss her so much and we've both promised to keep in touch. She's on sabbatical next semester but she asked me to send her my capstone project once it's finished.

I'm anxious and stressed because of our living situation and my job situation after I graduate. Although we live in a "college" town, there's a dearth of available jobs for anyone who graduates from the university regardless of degree level. I'm hoping that I can be hired on as an instructor to teach in the First-Year Comp. program since it's something I'm familiar with and until Court finishes his PhD, it'd be mostly consistent. BUT like most English departments, they're pretty determined to keep the faculty and staff an older and whiter generation...there's literally one person of color on faculty and she's been reported for being racist and inappropriate with her undergrads but other than being put on leave a few times, they've kept her on. She's also the only professor who teaches any of the ethnic literature courses. UGh.

Anyways.

Oxford...and recently..

2023-11-04T00:11:19Z

The Eye and Big Ben

So I went to Oxford! And surprise, surprise, I loved it. Oxford is such a gorgeous and historical city. Taking my summer courses at Oriel was such a cool experience. We ate breakfast in their dining hall everyday and a few days of the week, we ate dinner there. I will say that during summer, it was very busy. Oxford opens itself up to a variety of summer study abroad programs and the colleges in Oxford run college visit days for prospective undergraduates.

It's November and everyday there is something that I wish we had here that we had in Oxford. One thing I don't miss is during our first night, some white Brits shot me with gel pellets. Granted I was with three other people, but I was the only visually ethnic one present. And also, my response was unhinged. I mean, I yelled at them and called them pathetic micro-dick bitches. I mean, they shot at me. TWICE. Like they drove past us, shot, and then as soon as we got to our dorms' door, they had come back around and shot at us again. I've never been physically attacked for being asian, but this was such a downer after our welcome dinner to Oriel.

I also busted my knee at the beginning of the third or fourth week so I spent the remainder of the trip in my dorm room feeling stupid, sad, and homesick. Thankfully my knee wasn't broken but I still have some issues from it. I can't run (very well anyway), go up and down stairs for a long time (basically I can go up and down one flight of stairs before I feel any discomfort), and put too much weight on it. It's not a torn ligament or anything but I've been told it may just be a deep bone bruise. I had basically been riding an e-scooter to get to Oriel from our dorm (it's about a 17-20 minute walk from our dorm) and had taken a turn too fast and crashed into a street ballard. My knee took the brunt of the crash. Oh god. My knee was SO swollen. Like disgustingly swollen and I legit could not walk. My university's international health insurance people also didn't get back to me or the then program director until the middle of our last week so that was annoying. BUT I did get to have a wheelchair at Heathrow International and O'Hare International. My friend and I also didn't have to go through security or customs when we got back.

Now it's November and I recently found out that I will be able to graduate next Spring. I'll probably do a whole separate post but I'm feeling very anxious and sad.

Okay, here are some other photos from Oxford.

Taken inside Oriel College near the Dining Hall.

I think this was also Oriel.

Christ Church Meadow.

I wish I could remember what this was but the walk was beautiful.

More Oriel.

The alley we used to walk to get to Oriel. THE COBBLESTONES OMG.

Went to go see a production of "The Hobbit."

The production was put on by students from I think Magdalen Secondary School. I'm positive the boy who played Bilbo is going to be famous. POSITIVE.

Paul was a favorite while we were there. It was my favorite...I think about the coffee and sandwiches everyday ;_____;

Me with undergrads Alia and Molly and my friend Nicholas who is a PhD student. Taken in Shakespeare's house in Stratford-Upon-Avon.

A gorgeous pathway in the garden of Shakespeare's house.

The Royal Academy of Art in London.

A collection of exhibition posters in the RA's cafe.

Can't forget Wesminster Abbey. We missed the entrance time (the British Museum was insanely busy :( ).

Me at a pub that was literally next to our dorm called, The Star. I'm very happily consuming an aperol spritz lol.

That's it.

2 days...

2023-06-22T05:28:11Z

I have two more days until I get on a flight to the U.K. and then a bus to Oxford. This all still feels unreal and I'm sure I won't believe it's happening until I've walked out of the plane into Heathrow. AH.

30 Days

2023-05-25T01:51:11Z

It is exactly 30 days until I leave for Oxford for five weeks. I am SO excited. I've never travelled out of the country (except to Canada but I mean...come on!) and I've never gone somewhere for five weeks. I'm sure it will be expensive (I have $3000 saved) but I hope that I'm able to put some money away from my summer job before I leave. AH, I'm so excited. I'm going to start researching for my courses tomorrow since I have a different set of requirements from the undergrads in the class.

For my Tempest/Caliban class, my professor gave me the option of doing a lecture related to my field (18th to 19th century British Literature written by women) with regards to The Tempest and looking at its importance in a select few 18th/19th century novels OR looking at sex and sexuality in the play. And for my Beatles Poli Sci class, my professor approved my paper topic which is looking at the competition between The Beatles and The Beach Boys up until "Pet Sounds" and how it affected their songwriting processes. My partner has so many books about that subject so he's going to help me with picking some books as my sources.

Five weeks is going to go by so quickly so I'm starting on the research early so that I can spend most of my time exploring and writing and editing.

Ah! I'm so ready.

It's happening...

2023-05-13T23:21:56Z

So I am for sure funded and going to Oxford this summer!

Oxford may be happening?

2023-04-21T16:43:11Z

First off, I did not receive the full-ride scholarship for the summer program. It went to a friend of mine which honestly, he deserved it. He's a PhD and I think that he's a stronger contender. That said, I did receive a partial scholarship that covers like 1/9th of the cost so I did have to apply for a PLUS summer loan. I won't know for sure until mid-May (STRESSED) but I have been pre-approved. Being that this is my first time out of the country and it's for my field, I thought it was a good investment into my academic and professional career.

I am so stressed though. I have three long projects that I need to finish by May 2nd on top of my teaching responsibilities. I did receive another assistantship for Fall '23 so I will only be teaching one course which is a huge load off of my shoulders. I'm planning on quitting my library job in a few weeks and I've interviewed for a tutoring position that pays more ($15-17) and works better with my school schedule. Plus, I'm able to do coursework during my shifts which is a fantastic plus.

I have been going forward with Oxford plans though and am registered for the two courses I'll be taking during the 5-week program. I'm so excited. One is a Shakespeare course with a focus on The Tempest and the other is a Political Science course that specializes in The Beatles and their socioeconomic impact on the UK and the rest of the world. I've already got a gameplan for my graduate project for The Beatles course (I'm going to write a research paper about the impact of the friendly competition between The Beach Boys and The Beatles), but I'm still brainstorming my Shakespeare project. Hmmmm.

Anyways, although I am STRESSED, I am so excited for this summer!

Trying this whole digital journal thing again...

2023-01-25T03:59:54Z

It took two years, but I think I'm going to try journalling here again. Whether that be just text by itself or with pictures, who knows? I went through and pretty much wiped my journal of basically everything. If you've been with me from the start, I did it because honestly I was embarrassed and I wanted a clean start.

Anyways, I hope to journal more here. I do have a bullet journal that I try and daily journal in but it's usually short thoughts and tracking my mood throughout the week, tracking books I've read, and any huge due dates or events in my life. So yeah, I want to do some more long-form writing here.

So UPDATES!

Three or four years ago I decided to go back to school. I graduated from community college with an Associates in English, transferred to Sac State where I graduated with my Bachelors in English with the honor of summa cum laude. And for the past 9 YEARS (this is crazy to me cause I had so many insecurities from how no one wanted to go out with me, I really was just a later bloomer), my partner and I have been together! When the pandemic happened, my partner was finishing up his MA while I was finishing my BA and he decided to go on to pursue his PhD which took us from Northern California to Northern Illinois. Once he finishes his PhD, I plan on going on to pursue my own PhD. He's studying Southeast Asian History and like me, wants to be a college professor.

A lot has happened in my life since I was active here and I am not really sure how to be short about it all because for years, I thought I'd have killed myself or died by the time I was 21 so to be 30 and being where I am...it's still a huge shock.

While in graduate school, which I started last Fall, I've also become a graduate teaching instructor so I am getting teaching experience while I'm getting my MA which is perfect. And before that, I was a tutor at a community college in the new city we moved to. I also work part-time at a public library and love it...although, I may be quitting if I end up getting my tutoring job back....while I love working at the library, it is kind of stressful to not have my Saturdays free and if I had my tutoring job again, I would still be able to do coursework while at work. I don't know. It's all dependent on if I get hired this summer as a summer tutor.

I'm happy to be back I think.

In which I perform a cover...

2012-04-09T07:22:07Z

It's been a while...

2011-12-30T09:53:59Z

So I don't know if you guys have noticed, but I've kind of stopped using LJ and only use it as a means of keeping up with KPOP/JPOP, celebrity news, and downloads. So if you'd like to keep in touch with me, feel free to follow me on Twitter and/or on Tumblr. There's also my Youtube too. So feel free to stalk either ;D

Happy holidays and New Years guys :)

These past few months...

2011-07-31T09:38:17Z

I've been kinda sorta busy. I went to some concerts with some friends, I went to Deathly Hallows Part 2, and oh yeah I participated in Pottermore :)

Hellogoodbye/Jukebox the Ghost/Gold Motel/Now Now February 28, 2011

(Yeah, that's Greta from The Hush Sound. I may or may not have spazzed a lot when she walked out.)

(Forrestt answered my yell during the show. He stood in front of Kelly and I and I yelled "Stay here please!" and he said "I'll try, but I'm not making any promises!" xD)

The rest of the pictures are here if you're interested.

Panic! At The Disco/FUN./Funeral Party June 22, 2011

*I didn't get any pictures of FUN. because Kelly and I had to move :'(*

(Am I the only one that thinks the new bassist, Dallon, looks like a Ryan/Brendon lovechild?!)

*No videos for this one. I haven't uploaded them yet...*

Jack's Mannequin/Lady Danville/Steeltrain

No pictures unfortunately :(

Besides seeing DH Prt. 2, I also saw Captain America and The Avengers trailer. It was amazing. Here, have some gifs that explain my excitedness better:

That is all :D

First 2 weeks of college and an amazing weekend!~

2010-09-06T18:22:39Z

I started college 2 weeks ago and I love it. I'm taking English 300, Intermediate Algebra, Korean 401, and Ballroom Dancing. I LOVE English, Korean, and Dancing. But I hate math. I am seriously the worst at math. It doesn't help that the class I'm in has been known as the most rigorous math course for freshman. It is hard as tits. I mean seriously. It's only been 2 weeks and I've already got a bad grade. The upside? I have A's and B's in my other classes so I'll just have to work harder at math.

Also, does anyone know of a good way to remember symbols in any Asian language? I'm having a difficult time remembering what the letters in Korean mean. I remember maybe 3 or 4 symbols :\

Also this weekend was AMAZING. I had a crazy Friday at Sacanime with Daniel, Nina, Mia, and Katie. We got there hecka excited and then a little of the ways in, we (mostly Daniel, Nina, and I) were annoyed as fuck. Daniel also competed in a Street Fighter video game tournament. He lost to this adorable Asian guy cosplaying as Rollo from Code Geass named Ryan. He was a nice guy and just so adorably humble! I bought a pink hat and some UFO earrings...both things look a lot nicer than they sound.

Saturday was spent giggling and running around crazily with Kelly and Nina. We went to our favorite soft serve yogurt place, Pinkberry, and then we went to Borders. I'm pretty sure we all go there far too many times. But it was a day filled with laughter, randomness, craziness, oh and it was a late night.

Sunday was AMAZING. My uncle from LA was visiting and he brought me a ukulele as a birthday present. I've already learned the first verse from She & Him's "In The Sun" and I love it! Michelle (lj-user="michelle_linn"> was also back home from Humboldt because of Labor Weekend. It was so nice to see her and catch up. She is seriously one of my closest and best friends. We met up with Daniel and watched some Glee since Daniel has only just now started watching it (Jim? xD) then we met up with Nina and Erika. We learned how to swivel our hips from Nina, Daniel taught us (well tried) the Bad Romance dance, and I taught them the Foxtrot (slowly). It was a fun evening. Then Michelle and I stayed till like midnight watching more Glee. Basically it was amazing.

Sorry I haven't updated in forever, but just letting you guys know, if you friended me for the purpose of downloading videos or music that I have uploaded and posted to comms, I will not be giving out links. My post with all my links has been privated and I will only be using it as a back-up in case I lose any videos or music. So I'm sorry if you friended me with that intention. Feel free to defriend me.

Just wanted to say...

2010-08-15T02:26:31Z

I love my flist.

Even though I don't comment on entries, I read them and I really honestly love you guys. Most of you have always been there to listen to me vent and whine about things I could never say to my other friends.

Thank you Flist, for being amazing, self-less people. I'm happy to know each and every one of you :')

It's time for one of those graduation posts :D

2010-05-30T20:52:33Z

That's right. I am officially down with high school. I graduated last Tuesday. I don't have any pictures because my uncle has them. It was amazing. Unfortunately, despite being done with high school, I still tend to go at things like crushes as if I were still in high school Dx

But that's okay because the day after that, Wednesday, my friends Adalynn and JR held a graduation party. It was a lot of fun. Daniel and I played some DDR, I had a fun car ride with Kelly, Maritza, Daniel and later on Carlie since we had the car ride picking her up, I ate some amazing food cooked by JR and I guess the other guys helped, played some extreme crazy table tennis with Adalynn, Nina, and Daniel, and played Killer (if you don't know what this is, just comment and I shall explain ^^) and hide and go seek in the dark which was extremely fun even though my friend Alex, this new friend Nick, and I all hid in the one place we weren't allowed to hide in so everyone had gone through 2 games of hide and go seek before we (aka I) decided to just go in :p

And then on Thursday, I got up to go to Disneyland with my graduated class! Of course even though I said I was going to take pictures, I didn't because I had to borrow my younger sister's camera which sucks and it doesn't really take pictures as well as my Cybershot (RIP) did. So we get there at like 6 p.m. and we go through a bag search and pat down before we are released into California Adventure. And thus the night of screaming profanities began. We rode California Screaming first and oh man, Maritza and I screamed and swore our asses off. At least it entertained everyone on the ride :P Then we went on the carousel gondola ride...which I recorded 44 or so seconds of us screaming and being dorky. And sometime after that I just stopped taking pictures because I just didn't feel like taking the camera out...Oh well, my friends Angel and Michelle took enough.

On the Road to Disneyland

We were at Disneyland till 6 in the morning. It wasn't as much fun as one would think because by 2 or 3 I was ready to just pass out on the floor and that feeling got stronger when we went to stand in line for Space Mountain at 4 in the fucking morning. It was a long ass line ending at the entrance and people were getting annoyed because these fucktards were cutting in line and this woman in front of us was a badass because she picked every single one of those cutters out. Of course all the waiting and tiredness was worth it because Space Mountain is awesome. And of course Maritza and I screamed profanities on that ride too. And then we drove home. And at every stop we took I get the feeling that I looked like some hangover partier or something because my hair was a mess, I was wearing sunglasses and I was walking kinda wonky.

And then on Friday/Saturday I slept, put money into my credit card, ordered some skirts from American Apparel, some more clothes and socks and undies from Forever 21, and right now I'm placing an order for some sunglasses from Urban Outfitters. Oh and yesterday was Doctor Who and OMFG WTFG @ the ending (highlight for spoilers) RORY DIED?! WTFFFF! And poor Amy, she honestly loved him and it killed me when she ended up completely forgetting him and acting like everything was fine, oh god. But at least Arthur Darvill is signed on for the finale and next series so that means he's going to come back somehow :') .

Well, tomorrow I'm going to hang out with Daniel, Zinnia, and linhxisxrisque before they go off to Japan on Wednesday. I will miss them greatly but I hope they have fun because they are awesome.

Alright, so I'm off to start the new books my uncle bought me for graduation starting with "The Historian" by Elizabeth Kostova.

Bye bye~

omgsh :D

2010-04-30T14:06:14Z

I just felt the need to let everyone know that I've gotten past the 40,000 mark on Last.Fm :)

I probably would have been in the 90,000-100,000 if I had kept using my old account, oh well lol

Today's going to be awesome. Looking forward to hanging out with Daniel (dannyxdarko) and Linh (linhxisxrisque) \^0^/

I am...

2009-06-11T04:00:00Z

I AM

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who is afraid becuase I can love a man and a woman.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

Repost this if you believe homophobia and discrimination towards one's sexuality is wrong.

credit to: bumblebbea

oh this is just too good =D

2008-11-05T07:04:40Z

John McCain Gets BarackRoll'd

oh linhxisxrisque posts way too many awesome things =D

SM Global Auditions

2008-09-05T05:40:34Z

I actually got my application all done today. I have yet to send it since I'm still as nervous and scared as a kitty. My friend Tam is gonna do it and I just know she's gonna make it but I don't have as much confidence for myself since my singing voice is practically inaudible and I don't think I look like what SM would want. And there's no way I'd get plastic surgery either....

Hmmmmm...I must ponder this.

birthday!

2008-08-15T12:20:47Z

today is my sixteenth birthday at last!

i'll be posting all the awesome pictures and presents on Sunday night =D

YAY!