an open letter to: my friends, members of: sf_drama, fandom_wank, sailormoonfans, and to all.

chiibiusa — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 02:58:48 GMT

added on November 5th, 2009
this is not an apology note. my only mistake in what i said and did was being so delusional that i thought i could change people's opinions about me. my mistake was trying to reason with very mean and rude people who thought the LOL EPIC WANK was a joke, that saying hurtful words was a fucking joke. to the receiving end of those words, it is not a joke, it is simply viewed as hurtful bullying. i responded to negativity which in turn, created more negativity. however, it was a post with my name, my livejournal screename, and i felt the need to defend my self and my words both in my original post in sailormoonfans that sparked the drama itself and in the post in sf_drama which only made matters worse.

the original post, posted on October 30th, 2009
i'm feeling okay. i'm trying to become a better person, and i want to credit a lot of my improvement to my friends who did help me through this time. i apologize that i felt the need to shut many of you out.. especially since i know i shut some people out that i know were worried about me. i hope you all know that although i know i had worried people i felt... so lonely that a lot of that care did not matter to me, especially late last week when i was trying to wade through online wank for the first time at such a high amount and with myself being the one who incited it. however, a lot of what happened was amplified by very hurtful comments from people who replied to the post in sf_drama. i realize and recognize that well, that's what the community's there for, to point and laugh at stupid drama. and the drama was simply stupid but... i felt so hurt and attacked and backed into a corner, well, i defended myself and acted out. i hope it is clear i only did that because i felt and kept feeling that night so completely hurt. a deep enough hurt that i felt, for the very first time in my life, true hurt; hurt so deep that i did not want to ever feel again.

if i have not added you back it's really because i think we just completely disconnected for one reason or another.

i am still in the process of getting better so.. i am still very wary of those who i have added on my journal. i am just kind of ready now, tonight, to add some more people back into my life, is all.. but.. i reserve the right to my own journal to cut more people again if i feel the need to. this is mostly because i know people are still seeing the wank post over at sf_drama and well, people keep commenting about how i acted and really i just want to do my best to put that behind me.

to close, i'd like to include two beautifully done AMVs that i saw on sailormoonfans recently before all this mess happened. i feel the songs used reflect... a lot of what i feel now about myself. the first, "You are the Moon" is how i feel about everyone who .. well, said something about how i was acting. the second, "Fragile"; i am still quite fragile but i feel.. i am strong enough to continue trying to get better. i would have included just the songs from youtube but.. well, Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon is a favorite show of mine for a reason.

big thanks to dark_branwen for your work:

You Are the Moon - Usagi & Mamoru from Kihin Ranno on Vimeo.

also, commenting on this post is screened, however i have a public guestbook here. please direct all comments in either of these posts, thank you.

♥
chiibiusa

i fly with the stars in the skies

an open letter to: my friends, members of: sf_drama, fandom_wank, sailormoonfans, and to all.