Think. Believe. Dream.

FIC: Melt With You

cherry916 — Sat, 29 Oct 2022 21:34:19 GMT

Title: Melt With You

Warnings: past abuse, kidnapping, torture

Rating: NC-17

Word Count: 49,000

Author's Note: This is the very LONG awaited sequel to the story: You're the Light in my Stormy Seas. This was part co-written by beckalooby Probably 10 years or more ago. I figured it's been sitting on my computer always in the back of my mind and figured it was time to finally put it out there for anyone to enjoy. I know there is going to be MANY mistakes which are 100% my own. I have not re-read it at all from the last time I even looked at it so you will likely find many glaring mistakes but I figured it was time to let this be my last submission into fandom. Wanted to say thanks to everyone who even still reads my fanfiction or comments on fics. I may not respond back like I used to but I still greatly appreciate it. I still write fanfiction but not in the spn fandom anymore. All my work is on my A03 for anyone curious. This will be crossposted to there as well.

Summary: Jared is finally settling into his dream life with Jensen until someone from Jensen's past threatens it all.

Link to A03

New Life

cherry916 — Tue, 22 Oct 2019 19:27:33 GMT

Hey all, I know this is weird seeing as how I haven't posted in a long time. But I figured I'd share the news for any friends still on LJ.

On September 5th my daughter Tallulah was born. She was 8 lbs 6oz.

Happy 4th of July

cherry916 — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 02:57:15 GMT

I'm still alive guys! And kicking I just don't use LJ anymore. I sadly have gotten out of Supernatural so I've migrated away from livejournal :C

However I am back into wrestling full swing writing stories, participating on tumblr and reddit with it so if that is your bag come find me on tumblr, reddit, or A03!

Also as another thing of note all my bookmarks are now on Pinboard so if you have my old delicious link saved make sure you change it. Also I do get some PM's regarding this but, yes I am still giving out PDF's for those who request them. I'm just slower with answering requests at times but I do not ignore them, I also don't update the post as frequently as I used to but who knows? I may update again just very sporadically so don't feel ashamed to ask. I've been getting requests in lately so I wanted to make a blanket statement.

Other than that, Happy 4th to you all! Hope you enjoy it.

Update

cherry916 — Thu, 21 Dec 2017 21:53:27 GMT

Hey all! Almost Christmas time and I'm sitting here in my house with two presents under the tree lol but that's what happens when you've been going to school full time and only have one income coming into the house.

Just thought I would make a little update for you all concerning fandom, this journal and other things and stuff. I'm sure a lot of you have figured out by now that I quit watching Supernatural. I stopped halfway through Season 12 and haven't even went back to watch Season 13. It was slowly becoming something I wasn't enjoying or liking and I didn't want to tarnish my love for it any futher and with that sort of brings down a very long reign of being pretty central to the spn fandom. I don't write supernatural stories anymore, don't necessarily read new things either.

This may leave a lot wondering what is going to happen in the future regarding, presently, my PDF library and my previous stories and things. So I'm here to tell you to RELAX. None of my stories will be deleted and will be archival both on here and my A03 account. My PDF library is still up and operating and I just added some new stories today! Many of the PDF's I have are stories that have been deleted. Believe me I know, I just migrated my bookmarks from delicious to pinboard and have been re-tagging things and deleting dead links so a whole MASS of stories are gone forever except in the confines of my harddrive :D

Another cool thing I've been doing is tagging any of my PDF's I have saved on pinboard with *cherrypdf so you can search for them that way as well. I currently DO NOT USE delicious anymore I have moved everything over to pinboard and plan to delete my delicious so anyone still following delicious needs to move on over to my pinboard.

I'm mainly on tumblr and reddit these days and I have reignited my love affair with wrestling again which has now become my main fandom. My tumblr is about 98% comprised of wrestling with like 2% supernatural. I am writing stories currently for wrestling and doing my fandom gig for wrestling. So if that's something you dig you can join me in the party.

Just figured I'd update you all on what I am doing online now a days since I don't really use LJ anymore.

knock knock is this thing on?

cherry916 — Thu, 13 Jul 2017 02:20:53 GMT

*brushes off dust*

Hey everyone long time no see. This isn't going to be a very informative update, just wanted to inform everyone I joined the world of instagram today. Which is very...weird to say the least. I've managed to stay away from twitter/instagram for awhile even if I sort of wanted to join just to keep up with friends/celebrities and what not. So I resisted out of some weird sense of...pride? I guess? Or morals? I don't honestly know. Anyway...I took the plunge and made a instagram. I likely won't post much at least at first. I posted one thing just to try it out. I really just wanted to follow wrestling instagrams and what not to stay up to date.

So if you're curious I am black_cherry619 on instagram.

2 week till I turn 24

cherry916 — Sun, 18 Jun 2017 21:06:10 GMT

It's been a rollercoaster of a ride for me these last few months. This will be my first birthday without my Mom which feels really strange to me, I guess it hasn't really kicked in as of yet. I've been seeing a therapist for my depression and anxiety since it was becoming unmanagable to the point where I felt it was deeply affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. I think in some ways it's helping though. I had to take a certification test yesterday for teaching and the last time I took a test like that I failed and I was so anxious going into that one that I was scared I would fail again. I was anxious but not as bad, and I don't know whether I passed yet or not but I feel confident that I did pass.

We are planning to move out soon, I'm about to finish my last semester of my bachelors degree and things will be changing a lot for me once I graduate. I feel a lot of things in life has changed for the better, and some changes I still am having a hard time adapting too but it's definitely been one hell of a crazy ride.

LJ 18th anniversary

cherry916 — Sun, 16 Apr 2017 21:35:43 GMT

The Road so Far...

cherry916 — Sun, 16 Apr 2017 21:08:12 GMT

*insert corny supernatural joke here*

Hello peeps! Just wanted to hop on and wish everyone a Happy Easter weekend.

I also wanted to address the new LJ ToS thing since I've gotten some questions regarding it.

I'm staying on LJ. Just so you all are aware. I already have a dreamwidth and an A03. The goal is to move all of my stories to A03 just because I like their service better for hosting stories and such. I am in the process of moving my delicious account to pinboard as we speak. I would also encourage others to migrate stories to A03 as well. However, I am still on LJ and will likely ride the sinking ship down! No worries. The PDF library will still operate as normal just as everything else of mine. You can catch me at cherry916@dreamwidth or cherry619@A03

The new pinboard will be cherry619@pinboard and I am currently migrating all of my bookmarks (and re-tagging some!) to pinboard instead of delicious so if you have not done so already I highly encourage you to follow the pinboard instead of delicious. And as always I am cherry619@tumblr posting more wrestling now a days then supernatural but I'm still trucking along!

I apologize for not updating this more often. Lately life hasn't been too kind for me but one thing I will say or actually two things is that 1) I GOT A NEW CAR \0/ 2) I finally got in to see a therapist for the anxiety and depression so I think hopefully I can better manage everything.

Delicious Bookmarks

cherry916 — Sat, 11 Mar 2017 23:10:19 GMT

Hey guys just wanted to give you all a head ups of what I am going to be doing (undertaking really) in the next few weeks (maybe a month or so). I am currently moving my bookmarks from delicious to pinboard. For a number of reasons but mainly because delicious is basically a ghost site now. They don't care about it anymore, no updates are being given and the last correspondance from delicious was in April 2016. I know my delicious is sort of a hub for a lot of people. spn_littlebro has recently moved to pinboard as well and it's more reliable than delicious for a small fee of 11 dollars which I can easily manage.

However, in awesome fashion delicious has shut down their export and import features so all 141 pages of my bookmarks must be moved over manually. I've convinved myself this is better so that I can weed out dead or broken links, re-tag much better or maybe add tags and organize more efficiently not only for those who use my bookmarks but for me as well. I'm an organized person. I may also be adding more PDF's in the near future after basically going over all my bookmarks and such so stay tuned for this huge transition.

I'll have a huge reveal when it's done and maybe do some sort of PDF requesting thing or something.

It's sort of the first big project I'm taking that relates to fandom and I'm sort of nervous about it since I've been away from reading fanfiction in general but I'm also excited to have something to focus on and do in light of my recent bout of depression.

I'll still save items to delicious as well just to maintain it but I encourage any who have followed my delicious to follow my pinboard: https://pinboard.in/u:cherry619

As that will be more up to date with newer tags and deleted bookmarks and such.

What's new pussy cat?

cherry916 — Sun, 05 Mar 2017 17:18:22 GMT

Hey all, I haven't posted here in awhile so I figured I'd make a little update about myself and what I've been up too.

Last time since we all talked I've been to a convention in Jacksonville and a wrestling event in Jacksonville in the same month! I recently purchased a new phone as well, a google pixel, which I'm in love with. I'm finally starting to feel like I'm on the right track with life now like I'm finally becoming an adult (even though logically I've been an adult for awhile now). It's been difficult the past few months with depression for me since my Mom passed away 6 months ago and my Dog died from cancer about 4 months ago. I've been having insane mood swings and my anxiety has been getting crazy out of control recently. I've recently been put on new anti depressant and anxiety medication that seems to work pretty well compared to my old one which is good. I take it everyday and that seems to increase my mood drastically, I've been in a funk where I'm constantly agitated, emotional and quite mean to my boyfriend which isn't fair to him but he gets the brunt of my emotions unfortunately since my Mother passed he's essentially my only one I have left that I sort of bear my heart too.

However, those are depressing thoughts lets talk about some good thoughts? Me and Kim went to SPN Jax and had an amazing time! It was weird hooking up again after so long because we've both grown distant and are both suffering through weird times in our lives so it was a bit awkward but once we got into the swing of things it felt like old times. We've also grown closer I think, we've had to reevaluate our friendship and how we've both changed and I think we've grown to a deeper understanding than we were at before if that makes sense?

I also wrote my first fanfiction outside of supernatural, for wrestling of all things! I find that to be significant since I haven't wanted to really write in a long time. I'm trying to be more dilligent online though, I'm reading more and trying to move all my stories over to A03 and that's taking some time. I spend a good chunk of my time on Reddit for wrestling which has sort of overtaken Supernatural/Tumblr/Livejournal entirely but I always find a time to come back here.

So what's up with all of you?

Fic: 10 Things I Like About Jared (AKA 10 Ways to Fall in Love With Jared)

cherry916 — Wed, 08 Feb 2017 04:10:27 GMT

Title: 10 Things I Like About Jared (AKA 10 Ways to Fall in Love With Jared)
Artist: blondebitz
Art: HERE
Genre/Pairing: RPS AU, Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Author's Note: This was written for the spn_reversebang. I am very happy with how this story has turned out despite how hard it was to complete. I worked with an amazing artist in Blonde and her artwork is absolutely gorgeous and stunning! Please click on the link and go view and comment on how amazing of a job she did. I wasn't the easiest person to work with due to how late I had completed the story and I am forever grateful and how kind she was to me throughout it all and how patient. Thank you so much, I loved working with you and maybe we can collaborate in the future.

A03 Link in the title.

Summary: Throughout the course of filming a movie Jensen meets and falls in love with Jared and learns a thing or two about myself.

Jensen trudged through the back lot at the studio in which he was filming his newest movie titled “Jokes on You”. It was a romantic comedy that was as clichéd as all hell. Starring himself and an actress he wasn’t even sure the name of yet. His green eyes shone with annoyance as he hurried past the crew to find his trailer. The set itself wasn’t that big in size but it was located close to a busy street in New York due to certain scenes that needed to be shot on the street. The only good news from that is that he was incredibly close to a Starbucks and could send a PA to get him coffee just about any time of the day.

However, that wasn’t why he was angrily marching through the back lot or why he had such a scowl on his face.

He had just got off the phone with his agent, arguing about not wanting to do this movie. Jensen thought his agent understood that he didn’t want to star in romantic comedies anymore considering he had just came out as gay a month earlier. He felt as if he needed to cool it on movies that focused on sex. He didn’t want to be labeled and he didn’t want to hear the jeers of “you had sex with a woman you’re not gay!” As stupid as it sounds, he’s had that yelled at him a few times already and it’s not fun, also considering the fact that he’s not allowed to punch people.

Being semi-famous sucks.

Jensen thought that his agent had explained to the producers his feelings on the matter concerning the movie and that he would somehow find a loop hole to break the contract however no such luck occurred.

Jensen was stuck here in New York of all places for the next ten months filming a movie he didn’t want to to begin with.

Oh joy. Jensen watched as PA’s and the crew easily side stepped him as he marched his way to his trailer. He definitely needed to get some coffee and take a breather for a few minutes since he had to film the first scene in an hour.

Jensen wasn’t known for being an asshole but he did have a reputation for being quite grumpy sometimes. This often led to funny and offensive stories alike being reported in the media about his ‘escapades’ on set. However, people who genuinely knew Jensen knew that he was a kind hearted guy but sometimes he let his anger get the best of him but once he cooled off he was a lot more level headed.

Jensen was so lost in thought that he wasn’t necessarily paying attention to where he was going.

That’s why he was caught off guard when what felt like a giant redwood tree collided directly with his chest, spilling copious amounts of hot coffee all over his shirt. Jensen grunted and heard the guy do the same. He almost fell over but was saved from falling on his ass when a strong arm shot out and grabbed ahold of his bicep to steady him.

“Whoa!” The voice exclaimed shakily.

It wasn’t until Jensen actually opened his eyes that he noticed the other man standing in front of him, still holding onto his bicep, mouth agape like a fish out of water floundering for words.

“I’m so so sorry! Oh my god. You’re Jensen Ackles. Shit…fuck…” Profanities continued to pour out of the man’s mouth taking Jensen aback for a second.

The man was tall, really tall by Jensen’s standards. He had nice high cheekbones and cat like hazel eyes that seemed to shine with utter embarrassment. Oh god. Jensen thought in horror the man had fucking dimples. He was built like a Greek fucking god.

“I’m gonna be fired aren’t I?”

Jensen shook himself out of his staring an uttered, “um…what?”

“Did I hurt you? Are you feeling okay?” The man asked in concern, his brows furrowing slightly as the hand that was tightly gripping his bicep left to feel his forehead.

All Jensen could do was stare in rapt attention as coffee dripped down his shirt. He felt like a buffoon just standing there, staring. “What’s your name?” Jensen finally whispered, surprised that he could utter a sentence right now.

The man smiled shyly, his dimples showing more. God damn it he was fucking adorable when he did that.

“Jared Padalecki.”

It was then that Jensen knew he was doomed.

“Stop being a pussy and ask the man out already.”

Jensen felt like reaching through the phone and slapping Chris Kane as hard as he could across the face. Chris didn’t understand the social boundaries actors had when it came to those things. Jensen didn’t even know if Jared was gay, and given it’s only been four days since Jared had collided with him on set and introduced himself it would seem even more awkward for Jensen to be so forward.

“It’s not that easy Chris. I don’t work at a friggin’ bar like you and I can’t flirt with co-workers like that.” Jensen later learned that Jared was actually an actor for the movie and was playing the role of Jensen’s best friend. This made Jensen almost giddy at knowing that all of Jared’s scenes would be with him.

Yes, he knows how pathetic that sounds. It’s been awhile since he’s been laid give him a break.

“Oh live a little Ackles. You keep not using it it’s bound to fall off at some point.”

“Chris!” Jensen whispered, looking around automatically to see if anyone overheard his conversation. It wouldn’t be the first time Jensen’s had private conversations used against him.

“What? Just take the man out for a drink or something. That’s not too forward right? By the way you described Mr. Sunshine and Rainbows he sounds like he might be into that girly tea shit.”

“Tea doesn’t have a gender, Chris.” Jensen reminded futilely to avoid answering the question.

“Tea?”

Jensen jumped at hearing the ecstatic voice; he didn’t realize anyone had come up behind him. Quickly turning around Jensen reddened at seeing Jared standing behind him. All goofy smiles as he patiently waited for Jensen to say something.

“Is that Jared I hear? Give him a kiss for me.”

Jensen quickly hung up the phone without a second thought and slid it into his jacket pocket. They had a break between filming but he thought that Jared would be holed up in his trailer for the rest of the break.

“Um…yeah. Did you want to go get some?”

Jensen swallowed anticipating a letdown but Jared simply smiled wider if that was even possible.

“I love tea! Chai tea especially. I know this great place that’s not far from here. Let’s go!”

Before Jensen knew it he was being tugged by Jared toward the direction of the parking lot. Jared’s hand felt entirely too warm encased in his own.

“Alright cut!” The director yelled into the speakerphone making Jensen sigh. The day was finally over.

He said his goodbyes to the lead actress as he made his way to Jared’s trailer. It was where he found himself more often than not over the past two months of filming and he knew Jared always stayed later so that he and Jensen could hang out before going home.

After their first breaking of the ice moment with the chai tea he and Jared had become inseparable. Jensen felt like he knew Jared inside and out. He knew what he took in his coffee, he knew that Jared had a tendency to mismatch his socks, or that he would sometimes get headaches due to caffeine withdrawals. He knew that Jared grew up in Texas and visited his family often. He also knew that Jared’s guilty pleasure show was sex and the city.

Jensen honestly didn’t understand how Jared had managed to worm his way into Jensen’s life so seamlessly but Jensen isn’t sure he wants a life without Jared. That thought frightened and excited him at the same time. Jensen felt so many mixed emotions every time he was in Jared’s presence that he almost felt ready to burst.

Walking up to Jared’s trailer he hesitated for a minute, not sure if he was ready to begin experiencing those feelings over again. They left him both elated and exhausted at the same time and sometimes it was hard for Jensen to unwind at the end of the day.

He’s spent many nights lying in bed thinking about Jared. Some of those nights of course involved thinking about Jared sexually but Jensen had a healthy sexual appetite thank you very much.

His phone began to vibrate in his pocket before he could even grasp Jared’s door handle. He pulled it out and without looking answered it.

He didn’t realize how big of a mistake that was.

“Jensen Ross Ackles your father and I have been trying to reach you for weeks now! What the hell is wrong with you that you won’t answer me?”

Jensen winced, his mother’s angry voice putting a damper on his mood. His parents didn’t react well to the news that he came out as gay to the public. They have always known he was gay since childhood but they felt that he coming out now would be seen as a sin and put a damper on their family name. They pretty much washed their hands clean of him unless they wanted something from him. He avoided their calls pretty well but considering he’s been so distracted thinking about Jared recently he forgot to check his caller ID first.

“I’ve been busy Mom. I’m filming a movie.”

“A porno?” His Mom snorted in sarcasm. “Or what do they call those films for “your people” now a days?”

Jensen gritted his teeth in anger. He didn’t have time for this shit today. “No not a porno. Now what do you want I just got off filming and I’m very tired Mom.”

“Well, is that anyway to speak to your Mother? Then again you got some bad habits from those faggots you’ve been hanging around with. If you must know your father and I need some money. We plan on going to a cruise for vacation and we can’t quite afford the expenses needed.”

Jensen felt himself lost for words. He tightened his grip on his phone so much so that he thought he heard it begin to crack. He didn’t hear the trailer door opening or see Jared peek his head out softly saying his name.

“Oh that’s rich coming from you. Do you honestly expect me to give you money after the way you’ve treated me?”

“Treated you? How about the way you treated me! I wanted a normal child but I got stuck with….with this thing! Abomination! All the good Christian values me and your father instilled in you certainly didn’t stop the devil from coming through. The devil has corrupted your soul and the only way you can really repent these sins is to take care of your parents.”

Jensen didn’t know what to say to that. All the earlier feelings of resentment, anger, insecurity and self-loathing began to bubble up to the surface. Remembering the way his father had threatened to shoot him the next time he saw him or the way his mother pitifully cried at his announcement was brining Jensen back into that deep, dark place he had finally gotten out of.

His fingers went slack around the phone as the phone was ripped out of his hands.

“What?” Jensen whispered, watching wide eyed as Jared brought the phone to his ear, his face an angry hue of red, his breath coming out in quick pants.

“Jared…” Jensen whispered astonished. He had never seen the man like this before. He was always so bubbly and warm. Now he felt cold and detached.

“How dare you talk like that to Jensen. He’s your friggin’ son for God sakes! He’s the sweetest, kindest and selfless man I have ever met in my life. He does not deserve to hear those vile words coming out of your mouth. You’re supposed to love him unconditionally no matter his sexual orientation. Any man would be so lucky to have Jensen and you’re going to miss out on it because of your religious beliefs getting in the way of your family. Don’t you ever call this number again; I’ll make sure he blocks it.” Jared angrily punched the end key as Jensen watched on, mouth agape.

“Jared I…”

Before Jensen could even finish the sentence Jared was pulling him in for a kiss. It wasn’t as amazing as Jensen had dreamed it would be. It was more rough and needy, like Jared could only use his lips to express what he was feeling at the moment. Jensen felt embarrassed at the tiny moan that slipped out of his mouth. He wanted this moment to last forever, Jared’s lips were so soft and moist, but before he knew it Jared was pulling away.

“I’m so sorry Jensen.” Was all Jared muttered before he pulled him in for a hug. Jared loved to hug. He gave Jensen one almost every day on set but this one was different. This one felt more intimate. He’s not sure whether it was the way

Jared’s hand cradled the back of his head or the way Jared started to rub his back up and down, with the phone in hand.

However, Jensen wasn’t ashamed to say that his hands wound around Jared just as tight not wanting to ever let go.

Jensen felt like his entire being was on fire. He rolled in his bed, listlessly moaning and groaning as he sweated out the fever that had gripped him for the last few hours. After finally conceding defeat and calling into work to let them know he couldn’t even open his eyes let alone act he dozed on and off fitfully. His dreams were a mixture of both horror and fantasy; ones where Jared is sharing his bed and others where Jared disappears down a deep, dark hole never to be seen again.

All in all this day fucking sucked. He couldn’t even make it into work and see Jared which was honestly the best part of his day.

“Uhhhhh…” Jensen groaned as he rolled over again and flopped onto his back, his arms and legs spread out like a starfish. The ceiling fan above his head was beginning to make him dizzy so he shut his eyes and swallowed down the mucous and saliva that was pooling in his mouth.

Not even thinking about “the kiss” could honestly make Jensen feel better right now. “The kiss” aptly titled, was when he and Jared shared their first kiss. It was seared into Jensen’s brain, every ten seconds of it.

After “the kiss” things between him and Jared slowly began to change. Jensen learned that Jared himself was bisexual and had just gotten out of a bad relationship with another man and was scared to ask Jensen out despite his obvious interest.

Jensen thought he might break down and cry at Jared’s admission. He had never felt happier in that moment. He expressed to Jared that he himself was gay and was interested in him the moment he ran into him on the first day of set.

Then Jared preceded to fake punch him and call him a jerk for not making a move.

It felt like everything in his life was beginning to make sense and fall into place. They were in month four of the movie being filmed and he only had about six more months left. It should worry Jensen how fast things were beginning to progress between the two but honestly he couldn’t give a flying fuck.

A coughing fit ripped through Jensen taking him out of his happy daydreams. It felt like his throat was being scrapped with a fork every time a cough tore through his chest.

“Ughhhh…” Jensen moaned taking a minute to catch his breath after the coughing slowed down. His arms felt like spaghetti noodles and he shakily tried to reach for his glass of water.

He gave up after his fifth try when he managed to knock the water off the side table. He didn’t remember falling asleep afterwards however.

Smells pouring in from the kitchen awoke Jensen three hours later. He groaned like he was waking from the dead as he attempted to open his crusty eyes. It had long since gone dark as evidence by the view outside. Jensen wasn’t sure what exactly the time was but he knew that the smells were making his stomach rumble.

However, there really shouldn’t be any smells coming from the kitchen considering he was the only one here.

Jensen didn’t have the energy to investigate further as he lay in bed pitifully as he watched the ceiling fan. He could hear footsteps getting closer and closer to his room but figured that he could bargain with the intruder by offering them some money and the chance not to catch the flu if they hurried out of his house.

Yeah, that sounded like a good bargain.

“Oh I didn’t know you were awake.”

Jensen knew that voice anywhere. He did his best to lift his head to see if he was right and Jared, in all his 6’4 glory was standing in front of his bed holding a bowl of soup in one hand and a glass of ginger ale in the second hand.

“Argggllle…” Jensen tried to speak but it came out as more of a weird gargle like a sea monster might produce.

Jared just smiled amused. “Good to see you too. Drink something first so you can speak.” Jared chided as he set the bowl of soup on the side table, narrowly avoiding the wet patch from the water, he lifted Jensen’s head up enough so that he could drink from the glass that Jared held in front of his face. After a few sips Jensen turned his head away letting Jared know he was done.

Jared began to fix the pillows around Jensen so that he could lean him up against the headboard. Jensen felt embarrassed at how weak and pitiful he looked or the fact that Jared was manhandling him and he wasn’t even having sex yet. The world was so unfair.

“What are you doing here?” Jensen whispered hoarsely, his voice sounding grating to even his own ears.

Jared perused his lips in annoyance like the answer should be obvious. “What does it look like I’m doing? I’m taking care of you.”

“Why?” Jensen asked pathetically; confused at this giant man with a giant heart who yelled at homophobic parents, and loved Chai tea and seemed to have endless amounts of love for everyone. That was Mr. Sunshine and fucking rainbow’s himself.

“Because I sort of kind of like you silly. Now open up for the plane.”

They were in month six of filming the movie and were about to get a two week break for Christmas.

The snow had made it a chore to film on the streets of New York and made Jensen incredibly grumpy. Jensen hated the cold. He bundled up in his warmest coat and often leeched heat from Jared since he seemed to function like a furnace.

Jensen watched Jared from the sidelines of their set. They needed a specific scene with Jared solo and afterwards they were going to call for lunch. Jensen always made sure to wait around for Jared since he always did the same for Jensen.

Jensen honestly couldn’t remember being as happy as he is now. Jared completely overtook his life in every way possible.

He was the first thing Jensen thought of when he woke up and the last thing he thought of when he went to sleep. The last month he had been lucky to not only think of Jared every morning and night but see him as well. Jared didn’t live in New York like Jensen did so he was renting an apartment for the time being to film the movie. Jensen suggested he stop renting the apartment and just stay at his for now to which Jared happily agreed.

He and Jared made the moving transition last weekend when they had a few days off from filming. They didn’t know exactly what would happen after the movie was over but Jensen hoped that the move would maybe become permanent.

Jared had quickly gone from co-worker, to friend, to now boyfriend in a matter of months.

Jensen didn’t know what he would do without the loveable goof.

A stiff breeze blew across the set making Jensen grumble silently as he dug his hands further into his pockets for warmth.

“Alright every one I’m gonna say that’s a wrap for today. Take an hour for lunch.” The director yelled.

Jensen sighed in relief; he could finally go back in his trailer and snuggle with Jared for lunch.

Except Jared wasn’t anywhere near set Jensen suddenly realized. He saw the crew packing up some equipment and leaving set but he didn’t see Jared anywhere.

Walking up to one of their PA’s Jensen asked, “did you see Jared leave set?”

The PA shook their head. “No, but maybe he went to his trailer?”

Jensen internally grumbled at the thought of Jared leaving him while he froze his ass off waiting for him to get done.

“Thanks.” Jensen muttered quickly as he set a brisk pace for their trailers.

“Leave me out in the cold.” Jensen mumbled hurrying to try and alleviate the numbness he was beginning to feel in his face.

He had made it to Jared’s trailer in record time and was about to simply yank on the door and start yelling like the grumpy old man he was when he heard loud noises from within.

He paused outside of the door, his hand hovering on the handle as he strained to listen in. He didn’t want to interrupt Jared if it was something important.

“Please Jason don’t do this now.”

“Now is a great fucking time you slut. I saw that picture in the magazines of you and that guy. You letting him fuck you now huh? Couldn’t take it from me but are willing to take it from him?”

Jensen internally revolted at hearing the foul words thrown at Jared. “Jared!” Jensen yelled trying to turn the handle but the door was locked.

“Jens…”

Jensen’s eyes widened at hearing Jared begin to say his name but be cut off by a cry of pain.

“Jared!” Jensen yelled frantically, tugging on the door. The cry of pain grew steadily louder until he heard a loud thunk.

“Son of a bitch.” Jensen screamed his tugs on the door grew desperate until he felt the handle break under the pressure. He flung the door open and was greeted with the sight of a man standing over Jared, he had one hang tightly grasped in Jared’s hair as the other one began to descend down on Jared’s face.

Jensen didn’t think. He couldn’t breathe at that moment he just reacted. The cry he unleashed sounded strange to his own ears as he drew back his leg and kicked the guy as hard as he could in the head.

He watched as the man staggered and released Jared from his grip who crumbled to the ground.

“Jared!” Jensen cried again, diving for his boyfriend and pulling him as far away from the man as possible. Jensen watched in trepidation as the man shook his head, trying to clear it, his eye already swollen shut from Jensen’s boot connecting with it.

The man mumbled Jared’s name before collapsing in on himself.

“Jensen…” Jared moaned, his hands shakily reaching for where he was bleeding from above his eye.

“Baby who was that? Oh my god you’re bleeding.” Jensen didn’t do well with panic. His hands were shaking hard as he swiped Jared’s hair away to look at the nasty cut above his eye. Jensen could already see bruises beginning to develop on Jared’s temple and it worried him seeing how Jared’s eyes seemed unfocused.

“My ex-boyfriend.” Jared replied shakily.

The commotion from inside their trailer roused the other crew members as they poured into the trailer, demanding to know what the hell happened, and if they should call the police and an ambulance.

Jensen sat on the floor of the trailer, Jared cradled within his hold. The crew’s voices were like white noise to him. His focus was entirely on the way Jared seemed to flinch at the loud sounds and how he couldn’t stop staring at the man laid out in front of him.

“Are you okay?” Jensen asked concerned, unsure of how to handle this situation.

Jared blinked a few times, as if thinking had begun to hurt, he spoke so quietly that Jensen had to lean in to hear him. “As long as I have you.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

One week passed since the incident with the stalker ex-boyfriend.

Jensen soon learned the story as Jared recovered in the hospital. The set doctor recommended they call an ambulance for Jared due to the amount of bruising on his temple and the way Jared began to deteriorate and become disorientated.
The cops were called to pick up the ex-boyfriend as well.

Jensen had ridden with Jared to the hospital, wanting to demand answers but too worried about Jared to even begin to ask.

Jensen didn’t realize how complicated the story would get.

Apparently the stalker, ex-boyfriend and Jared were dating for quite a while. The boyfriend was abusive so Jared finally had enough and called it quits except the guy kept stalking Jared. It got so bad that Jared actually moved to a different state, he used to live in LA but moved out of state to Washington. Jared thought he had gotten rid of the boyfriend until he showed up on set and coerced Jared to meet in his trailer.

Jensen was fucking furious. The rage he felt at the man after hearing Jared reveal his story left him itching to find him and kick him another time for good measure.

Jensen would later learn he had given the man a concussion due to the force of his kick. The thought didn’t make him feel any better; especially seeing as how his once bubbly, outgoing boyfriend seemed to transform before his eyes. After being discharged from the hospital the next day Jensen had brought Jared back to their shared apartment for rest since they had the next two weeks off. It was close to Christmas by this time so they gave them their Christmas break early. Jared didn’t speak and when he did he was so quiet that Jensen had a hard time hearing him. His once vibrant, hazel eyes were dull and muted with sadness.

It was tearing Jensen apart and he didn’t quite have a clue of what to do.

Jared was lying on the bed watching the TV on mute when Jensen entered the room.

“Hey baby feeling any better?” Jensen asked softly. Jared had suffered from headaches since the incident. The bruising was now a dull, ugly yellow that marred his handsome face.

Jared simply shrugged, preferring not to speak.

Jensen bit his lip, unsure if whether he should confront Jared about this or not. He couldn’t stand to see Jared in pain. It absolutely tore him up inside. Internally struggling with the decision Jensen finally decided to bite the bullet and talk to Jared.

“I think we need to speak Jay.”

“About what?” Jared asked, his voice a mere whisper.

Jensen walked further into the room and laid himself gingerly down on the other side of the bed so he didn’t jostle Jared too much.

“About you.” Jensen gripped Jared’s hand forcing the man to finally break contact with the TV and stare at him. The amount of pain in Jared’s eyes almost took his breath away. “Something is wrong and I don’t know how to fix it.” Jensen admitted.

He watched as Jared swallowed shakily and took a quick inhale and exhale. Jensen was expecting Jared to deny his feelings or something else but he wasn’t quite expecting for Jared to simply break down.

The tears poured out of Jared’s eyes as if someone had turned a faucet on. Jensen watched dumbfounded at the scene.

He felt himself tear up and couldn’t contain himself when tears leaked down his eyes at seeing Jared’s raw pain.

He didn’t think he could honestly say anything to make Jared feel better so he did the only thing he knew he could do.

He held onto Jared through it all.

“Are you kidding me Jared?” Jensen asked incredulously.

Right before his very eyes were two of the biggest mutts he had ever seen. Jared was standing in between them staring back at Jensen with a shocked expression on his face. “Um…good morning?”

This was not what Jensen was expecting to see when he woke up this morning. Jensen was a late sleeper and often did not get out of bed until noon time on days when he didn’t work. Jared was an early riser; he liked to have a morning jog before drinking some coffee to wake up. Jensen admired Jared’s stamina and he assumed that when they did finally have sex Jared would be amazing in bed but he just didn’t share the same ideals.

“What….I….huh?” Jensen stammered, trying to figure out how he went from sleeping in bed with his boyfriend to watching Jared get wet dog kisses.

“They’re my dogs…um my parents couldn’t watch them anymore since they have to stay out of town so I told them to ship them up here.” Jared explained.

“I don’t like dogs.” Jensen admitted. Not knowing what else to say. The pout that Jared gave him in return was unreal. He watched as Jared, a grown man of 6’4, plopped down with the two mutts and scratched their heads as they lavished his face in kisses. “But Jennnnseeeeeennnn….” Jared whined. “I love them and you love me so that means you’ll love them.”

“I’m not sure that is how that works.”

“Jensen Ross Ackles!” Jared admonished. “Come pet my dogs you’ll love them as soon as you touch them, I promise.” He couldn’t resist the smile Jared was flashing him so he hesitantly walked over to the two dogs.

Seeing Jared’s eyes light up in joy at the two dogs tugged at Jensen’s heart.

“Hey mutts.” Jensen muttered as he gave their heads a scratch. The dogs turned their licks and attention to Jensen after receiving head scratches. They danced around his feet causing Jared to laugh.

“See!” Jared replied knowingly, giving his dog Sadie a big hug. “You love them don’t you?”

Jensen wanted to say, no I just love you and everything about you but he refrained. “Yeah they’re not so bad.

Jensen feels like the rug had been pulled out from underneath him. Like the world had all but stopped and it was just him and the phone in his trailer.

Even Jared’s comforting hand on his back couldn’t stop the tear from streaking across his face. He tried to contain it as flashes from his past confronted his brain, assaulting him of memories he long since forgotten. Angry words about being a “fag”, or “crying is for pussies”.

As instantly as the words come though he is quickly reminded of the comforting smell of his Grandmother’s perfume, and her whispered words of comfort in some of the darkest days of his life. He didn’t know how he would have survived his childhood if it hadn’t been for her kindness and gentleness. She was a light in his dark cave he had holed away in and without her, he honestly wouldn’t have made it this far, or met Jared.

“Jen?” Jared asked softly, in that comforting tone of voice that spoke of home.

Jensen swallowed down the rest of the tears and breathed deeply. “My Grandma is sick.” Jensen replied shakily, doing his best to keep the tears in. He shook his head, trying to shake them off but they came unbidden down his face anyway.

“Terminally ill?” Jared asked again, a mere whisper on his lips, like he needed to know the answer but didn’t want to ask the question.

Jensen’s response was all the answer Jared needed. At the mention of the term ‘terminal’ the dam finally busted. Jensen choked back a sob and buried his head in his hands. Jensen felt Jared wind his long arms around his body, holding him close. Jensen continued to sob even as Jared shushed him softly; it was like a lullaby that only Jensen could understand. Jared’s soft mutterings soon turned to words.

“It’ll be okay Jens. We’ll book a flight to go see her as soon as possible. There is so much doctors can do now a day that you’ll be surprised and given that you were practically raised by your Grandma she must be a strong woman. Everything will be fine.”

“How do you know though? How can you say that?” Jensen asked between the snot and tears, confused at Jared’s continued optimism even when times were dark.

Jared pulled away from him while still remaining in contact, Jensen looked up from his hands to see Jared staring at him with so much fondness and love it almost knocked him silly.

“Because I’m here to brighten your darkness.”

It’s become a tradition of sorts for them.

Every Friday night after a long day of filming, no matter what time it is when they get home; they sit down and watch a classic movie from the 80’s.

Jensen is busy popping the popcorn as Jared watches the clichéd opening trailers for the movie Back to the Future II.

Sometimes their late nights ended in more intimate moments where Jensen could cuddle with Jared when it was cold, and give him hickey’s on his neck which he would grumble about the next morning but all with a small smile.

Jared managed to work Jensen up like no one else could. He turned him inside out both emotionally and physically. Jensen has never felt more drained yet energized when around Jared. He was like a huge ray of sunshine that Jensen couldn’t wait to soak up every day.

Their days were so crazy with filming that it was nice to take these small moments for themselves. They were something Jensen cherished and he hoped that even when they were done filming, they could still have their movie nights together.

In between the drone of the microwave beeping Jared’s laugh filtered through.

It was a guttural laugh that was so genuine in its nature. It always took him by surprise when Jared laughed. No one in the history of this Earth could ever begin to laugh as purely as Jared did with as much exuberance.

Jared’s laugh drew him into the living room, forgetting of the popcorn all together.

He watched silently in the background as Jared guffawed at some silly ad about a talking dog. His arms were wound around his stomach trying to contain the insane belly rolls his stomach was doing due to the force of his laughter.

His smile and dimples were out in full force as tears began to stream down his face.

It was a thing of beauty. If Jensen was an artist he would draw this moment and save it forever.

He’s always heard of the words “pictures are worth a thousand words” but right now he couldn’t be more speechless.

The smell of burnt popcorn began wafting in from the kitchen kick starting Jensen out of his daze.

“Damn it.” Jensen cursed, rushing to get back to the microwave as Jared yelled, “Did you just burn my popcorn again? Jensen!”

“Are you sure we should do this?” Jensen asked breathlessly after Jared got done kissing the very breath out of him.

“Of course.” Jared replied as if it was that easy. As if their relationship could be categorized as easy.

After a night on the streets and many bars later both Jared and Jensen found themselves fumbling to get into their apartment, both drunk as can be and extremely horny.

They had only ever done make out sessions and blow/hand jobs before. Jensen learned about Jared’s troubled past with men taking advantage of him during sex so he didn’t want to push the issue. He was completely happy just having Jared, sex or not.

“Ow….ohhhhhh…” Jared bit into his neck causing him to hiss in pain before his pain soon turned to pleasure as Jared sucked and licked at the bite wound. Jensen didn’t think he could get any harder. His erection was straining against his jeans begging for release.

“Jay…fuck…we need to….” Jensen didn’t even finish the sentence. Jared was unzipping his pants with lighting speed and quickly pulling out his erection.

Jensen braced himself against the wall of their apartment knocking down picture frames in the process. The lights were all off so it was hard to see as Jared went down on him.

He moaned as Jared’s hand tightened around his erection. He bit his lip as he slowly started to pump his erection in and out of Jared’s big, hot hands.

“Fucking hell…Jesus Christ.” Jensen breathed out his eyes rolling in their sockets, as his hips kept up the same pace.

“Nah, Jared is just fine.” Jared laughed, amused at Jensen’s reaction.

“Fuck yoooooohhhhh…” Jensen’s curse ended on a moan as Jared easily swallowed him whole, his hand still at Jensen’s base twisting in time to his mouth moving up and down.

“Jay….” Jensen breathed out.

Jared pulled off with a wet sounding pop his voice had gotten rougher after the mini blow job causing Jensen’s head to spin as Jared asked, “bed?”

Jensen didn’t need to be asked twice. “Fuck yes.”

He helped Jared stand back up as he kicked off his jeans and boxers. As soon as he was free of the offending clothing he crashed his lips against Jared’s. His kiss felt like he wanted to possesses and own every inch of Jared. He licked inside the younger’s man’s mouth causing Jared to moan. It sent shock waves through his system feeling the vibration.

Jensen pushed Jared through the doorway to their bedroom and onto their bed without ever breaking the kiss. They kissed sloppily, tongues and teeth clashing trying to taste each other as if this was their last. Ironic considering that this would be their first.

Jensen pulled away and rested his head against Jared’s, both of them panting for air after the make out session. Jensen was still fully erect and was painfully reminded of that when his erection brushed against Jared’s jeans. His hips jerked uncontrollably at the rough friction, “sweet Jesus.” He exclaimed, sweat dripping off his forehead and into his eyes. “I need you naked. Now.”

“I’m all yours.” Jared replied, eyes filled with lust.

Jensen almost came right then and there at hearing Jared relinquish himself to him.

Jensen made short work of Jared’s shirt and jeans. He ripped them off with a veracity he didn’t know he had. He flung them somewhere on the ground and went back to attacking Jared’s mouth. Now that both of their erections were unclothed they both grinded against one another, moaning at the sensations; Jensen didn’t know how much longer he could hold out.

The feelings Jared caused him to feel began coming up to the surface again, it felt like they were exploding out of his body, his heart was beating hard against his chest, sweat pouring into his eyes. He could feel Jared’s ribcage expand shakily with each inhale. “I love you so much.” Jensen whispered, lost on what else to say.

“I love you too.” Jared replied, a fondness in his tone. Jared wove his hand into Jensen’s short cropped hair and pulled him in for a gentle kiss. The kiss was unlike their first one and unlike their urgent ones a few moments ago. It carried so much weight and meaning to it. Like this was a deal they were making that bonded them together forever.

Jared pulled away, causing Jensen’s eyes to flutter back open. He stared into Jared’s hazel ones that shone with love and lust at the same time.

“Well, are you gonna finish the act loverboy?” Jared asked, with a sly smile on his face.

Jensen grinned, “finish? I’m just getting started baby.”

It was the day before they were set to film the last part of the movie. It was almost like saying goodbye to a loved one for Jensen.

It was a really strange feeling for Jensen to come to terms with.

He and Jared had the day to themselves since they were both off and they choose to stay at home, have copious amounts of sex and do mundane chores.

It was so bizarrely normal that sometimes Jensen had to check to make sure it was really him staring back in the mirror.

He couldn’t have ever imagined that he would find someone he would love to sit back and be lazy with.

Lazily munching on an apple, Jensen wandered throughout his apartment until he came to the small laundry room near the kitchen. Jared had been switching the laundry over but Jensen had gotten bored on the couch by himself so he went to go rummage through the fridge before giving up and going to find Jared.

It shouldn’t surprise him to find Jared busy folding clothes but it makes Jensen halt in his tracks. He leaned against the door frame, half eaten apple resting at his side as he gazed at Jared’s strong back muscles contracting as he folded something as simple as a shirt.

The little grumbles that escaped his mouth as he attempted to smooth the wrinkles, to the way he let out a happy, little ‘ah’ when he folded something perfectly, to the way he was 100% focused on the task at hand, or the way his little tongue peeked out in concentration left Jensen awestruck.

Jared seemed to always leave Jensen breathless in some form. No matter what the man did, whether he was brushing his teeth or letting one of their mutts give him kisses on the face (which ew gross) left Jensen amazed.

Jensen’s heart began to beat faster as his palms began to sweat. The apple dropped, forgotten at his side causing Jared to quickly turn around.

“Jesus Jensen.” Jared laughed, while holding his chest. “You scared the shit out of me.”

“Marry me.” Jensen blurted out, not breaking eye contact with Jared for even a second. Jared blinked a few times, taken aback by his statement.

“What?” Jared laughed, unsure of the words.

“Marry me.” Jensen stated again, as if it was obvious. Which honestly, it was obvious to him. It was obvious the moment Jared walked into his life (or into him really) that something had changed. Maybe Jensen was scared at the change to begin with but over time the change enthralled him, left him hungry for more and aching for what was to sure follow. It was as high as Jensen could possibly get and Jared was the drug. Jared was the life force, Jared was the energy, Jared was the sunshine, and Jared was everything.

“Jensen what are you even trying to say?” Jared asked alarmed. Jensen noticed how Jared’s breathing began to quicken, and how he also began to get that red hue to his cheeks like when he was excited. It made Jensen bolder as he took a step forward getting into Jared’s personal space and clasping his hand in his, sweaty palms be damned.

“I love you. More than I could ever possibly love anything else in this world. You mean everything to me and I don’t want to live without you. Marry me?”

Jared’s lips parted for a second capturing Jensen’s attention. His lips were always mesmerizing him in some fashion Jensen thought before Jared crashed his mouth against his holding onto his head, pushing in deeper and harder. Jensen hands easily found the curve of Jared’s hipbone and stroked over the sensitive flesh causing Jared to shiver.

They’ve been in this spot so many times before that it was like clockwork at this point. Jensen knew every spot to touch to make Jared completely lose himself and vice versa.

When Jared finally pulled away he rested his forehead against Jensen’s, hot breath fanning over his face as he gave a watery chuckle.

“Is that a yes?” Jensen asked softly, not even looking to see Jared’s reaction.

The water that hit his face told him the answer before Jared had even whispered the “yes.”

Merry Christmas!

cherry916 — Sun, 25 Dec 2016 15:00:52 GMT

Wishing you and you're family a very Merry Christmas.

Christmas Cards!

cherry916 — Sun, 27 Nov 2016 19:31:27 GMT

The Christmas cards will be getting sent out in about 1 week's time so I am asking anyone again that if they want a card from me to give me their address whether PM or through my email. If you have recieved a card from me before it is likely I still have you on my list to resend a card to you. (I resend cards annually to friends). If you have moved or changed your address and I have sent you a card in the past it would be helpful to give me your new address!

Hope everyone has a good day!

It's almost that time!

cherry916 — Mon, 14 Nov 2016 01:47:48 GMT

Hey all, it is almost that time to start sending out Christmas Cards again.

If you have recieved one from me last year you will this year as well. I have a list of addresses I automatically send cards too. If you would like to recieve a card from me feel free to send me a PM with your address and I will send you a Christmas Card this year.

PDF Library Update

cherry916 — Tue, 11 Oct 2016 21:37:15 GMT

There has been a small update to the PDF library in the SPN GEN section. Head on over to Part Two to check out which new story has been added.

Thanks for the support

cherry916 — Sun, 18 Sep 2016 18:07:00 GMT

I just wanted to make a blanket post thanking you all for the support I have recieved recently. If you didn't read my other post I am talking about the loss of my mother. It's been a rough few weeks but I am definitely better than what I was yesterday and the day before that and I sort of have to keep telling myself that I'll continue to be better than the day previously. We recently recieved her ashes and the death certificate so it sort of feels like...final now? I guess there is no other way to describe it.

So thanks for all the messages and comments and I'm truly sorry if I didn't respond back. I wasn't sure I could so I wanted to make a universal thank you!

Not sure how to make this kind of post

cherry916 — Tue, 06 Sep 2016 06:35:07 GMT

I'm not exactly sure how to put this into words since I can't even understand myself right now. I figured that maybe writing out some of my feelings will benefit me in the long run because it is going to be a struggle for me for awhile so don't be surprised if I don't show up or go on hiatus from online.

Early this morning my mother, who was only 58 years old passed away. To give you an idea I am currently 23 and I still lived at home with her.

My Mom was always ill she had fibromyalgia, copd, asthma and late stage emphesema. However, she was recently put on hospice and other than using her oxygen like always she was improving once she got the proper medication and care for both her depression and her pain. She said she was feeling happy and my mom had always talked about how she wanted to die and was ready to die because she was very much depressed. It started about two days ago when mom was sick to her stomach and couldn't hold her bowels. I thought she had food poisoining and we had to clean her up and help her back to bed but it kept coming on and off so we called the hospice nurse who told her it was food poisoning gave her a suppository called it a day. Early this morning I was told they called an ambulance for her which isn't unsual. We have often had to call an ambulance for Mom for her to get some care in the hospital I thought today would be no different.

So I wasn't out in the living room to see the paramedics take her outside which I guess I am thankful for.

From what I understand she went from talking to my dad to foaming at the mouth, not responding, losing all control of her bowels and the EMT's told us they would take her to the hospital but at that point she wasn't breathing on her own and didn't have a heart rate and she likely wouldn't make it. She also recently signed a do not resusitate order.

When we made it to the hospital she died en route and here it is 2:30 AM and I honestly don't know what to do. Time seemed to drag really slowly today for me it still is. I took off work tommorow but I still have school to deal with this week and I honestly have no idea what to do right now.

I just thought maybe talking about it might help me in some way for what is later to come for me. I guess I will keep you updated. I hope you all take care.

Stay Safe!

cherry916 — Thu, 01 Sep 2016 19:52:17 GMT

Everyone located near the big bend of Florida stay safe our tropical storm has just been upgraded to a category 1 hurricane and may get even higher! We are getting hit right now with onslaughts of non-stop rain. Pasco, Pinellas and Hillsborough has essentially been flooded. We won't know the true effects till later tonight early tommorow morning since that is when it will hit. Our schools were closed today and may likely be closed tommorow as well. Thankfully I am not near the eye of the storm but we are still close enough to get hit with huge storm surges, rain and wind, we were under tornado warning for awhile. So if you live in Florida on the coast please stay safe and take caution.

Fun fact: This will be the first Hurricane to make landfall in Florida since hurricane Wilma in 2005!

Reflection

cherry916 — Sat, 27 Aug 2016 02:58:25 GMT

I just went to my seminar for my second internship yesterday. It was an all day affair of course and boring. I had to drive an hour and 40 minutes in horrible traffic down the express way to get to St. Pete. I was in a minor accident, thankfully nothing worth stoping over I just got a tiny paint transfer on the bumper due to a jackass pulling in front of me when we are all going 70 on the express way!!!!, anywho this was also a poignant time for me because last time I attempted the internship I sort of fell apart from the inside.

I completed my first internship sucessfully. It was k-5 and I was in a second grade classroom and I loved the school, my kids and my cooperating teacher we got along great and had chemistry and I was stoked for my second one which is 6-12 so middle or high and ESE. I got a highschool ESE class and after maybe two weeks in it became a chore to go in. I didn't think the teacher I was paired with was a good teacher, I hated the paraprofessionals working in the classroom and I HATED my supervisor who was brand new to the program and didn't know what the hell to do wouldn't even attempt to come to seminars for us to talk to her because she lives far away! I live farther than she did to St. Pete.

Anyway, I would say this is when my anxiety really began win. I was constantly on a battle with my anxiety and trying to just STOP with everything but its an illness unfortunately and not normal jitters or being nervous its something I began to have all the time and it took me getting together with my boyfriend to admit that yes I do have a problem and this is absolutely not normal behavior to have. I used to dread for Wednesday to come around because then I would have to go back to that school and pretend that I wasn't dying inside and working with kids, whom I loved, but knew that my attempts didn't matter. It didn't help that my supervisor was always constantly on me, criticized me for everything and was basically against me working and going to school. I was told that it was an excuse and it shows that I am not commited to my schooling when I had to leave early one day to go into work. After that I sort of just gave up. I had a panic attack after a phone call to her where she told me these things and had a trip to the hospital because I wasn't calming down and my blood pressure was through the roof.

This was last Spring around March. I was halfway done with the internship too and I had 3 other classes I was attending and I had a moment of ephiphany where I decided that I can't keep doing this to myself. I had NEVER in my life ever dropped a class. I was always dead set focused on finishing school in the shortest amount of time. This fall I was supposed to be in my last internship than graduate but I took a step back and decided that I am not getting anything out of this experience but pain, it was causing me to reconsider my career choice and second guess my ability to do this.

Which, FUCK THAT. I'm sorry but NO person of higher statue that is a TEACHER no less should EVER make a student feel like that ever. I am not one to belittle people or call people names but she is a bitch and I will 100% stand by my word on that for what she did.

However, I have to thank her because without that I don't think I would have really begun to think of myself first. I dropped out of the class, finished my other ones and took a break until now where I am attempting to do it again this time with new everything and a better mindset going into it. I am a lot more confident in what I do and that I am going to do even better than my first one.

Sorry about this reflective post I was just thinking about how far I've come and wanted to really write it out. I promise I will do more fandom related posts for sure.

Let me ask you guys this though,

View Poll: #2052614

Howdy Ho!

cherry916 — Thu, 25 Aug 2016 05:44:41 GMT

It's been a LONG time since I've made a new post huh? I can sit here and tell you that life has been busy yadda yadda yadda same old shit just another day.

I promised to update you all about me and my medical condition? issues? I don't know what to call the clusterfuck anymore! I figured what better time than at 1:30 in the morning, with a migraine and having to get up at 5:00 AM to drive 2 hours to a seminar for school! Rad!

Okay, well let's start that I went to see a neurosurgeon in Tampa for the cyst on my pineal gland. He was going to give me his opinion on what to do next. Basically I was told to wait and monitor it some more because the surgery is VERY involved and they don't want to do anything until I start presenting symptoms of hydrocephalus. Which I know UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH central. I don't want to wait until shit hits the fan I want to be proactive. I also wanted to see if the removal would lesson my migraines but I have to follow doctors orders which means more MRI's in my future. He wants me to visit a headache specialist so we'll see where that goes.

The good news is that I finally have recieved diability for my migraines in regards to school. I did that a few semesters back not even believing I could recieve disability services but migraines are a disability under the law SO I am taking what I can get. It is just for leniancy with absences I never know when I will have one and I don't want to be penalized for things that I can't control is the main thing.

I am still writing, I have already finished my spn_summergen story just waiting for it to be posted. Still reading a lot but I recently got back into wrestling (I used to watch it religiously for about 8 years straight and sort of got burnt out around 2010-2011 so I quit before joining the world of online so now everyone on my tumblr has to suffer as I post wrestling shit and I may make you all suffer too! It is definitely something else reading a threesome of hot, sweaty, muscular men gotta say WAAAAAAAAY different than J2 or SPN.)

And I don't know if Kim is cool with me announcing this but me and her MAY or MAY NOT be attending the convention in Jacksonville next year (don't forget I live in Florida broskis!)

And that's about it with me hopefully you all have been doing well and I miss everyone of you dearly. Don't be afraid to send me messages if you want to chat I am normally checking my stuff once daily. love ya!

PDF Library Updated

cherry916 — Sun, 07 Aug 2016 17:43:46 GMT

Here to inform you all I have added two new stories for SPN and one in J2 at my PDF Library!

Cover Art Needed

cherry916 — Sat, 16 Jul 2016 21:40:58 GMT

Hey, so I don't know if I told anyone yet but as a project for class (which is for teaching students about writing). Basically we had to write a book ourselves and go through the writing process which entails editing, revising, brainstorming etc.

So basically I choose to write a persuassive about why you should watch supernatural. For anyone curious I'll post the book under the cut. It got rather personal for me talking about the friends and benefits from watching so that was difficult to get through.

So what I was asking if someone could possibly make a cover for my book? I have to read this in front of the class and want to sort of 'showcase' if you will the fanart and artists I talk about in the book.

If anyone is willing to or able I would appreciate it. Thank you :D

Thanks

cherry916 — Sun, 03 Jul 2016 17:06:45 GMT

I want to send out a sincere thank you for those who wished me a happy birthday a few days ago! It really meant a lot considering that birthday was sort of the worst ones I ever had for personal reasons. I've been dealing with bouts of depression that has really affected my relationship with my boyfriend as well as my family and my schooling. So it was really great to see some still cared, because sometimes it feels like no one really does but that made me quite happy <3

Other than dealing with that I just finished a book that I had to re-check out twice since I couldn't finish it the last time so that left me feeling very accomplished. I went to books a million yesterday and purchased two new books as well as an adult coloring book. I'm hoing to rekindle a love for more of my hobbies to attempt to help with the depression.

Other than that I have like 5 tabs open for stories to read from spn_j2_bigbang and spn_meanttobe! In other words I have A LOT of reading to do.

Recs will come if anyone is interested from my reading adventure.

Here's your first rec from my reading:

Sunday, Maybe Monday by paperbackwriter (Big Bang 2016)
Summary: Jensen is a short order cook. He works, he sleeps – it's enough. Then one day, Jensen notices Jared.

I normally don't do huge age difference in fics but I'm so glad I decided to try and read this! I just love the simplicity of the story it really breathes life into the crazy, plot driven fics that we normally get, and produces something that is more organize and really makes you feel the emotions and the relationship.

Beta needed

cherry916 — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 22:51:23 GMT

Hey all I participated in spn_summergen again and I am looking for a beta. It is gen and it is not complete yet but I am looking for someone to beta/give feedback. I only imagine the story should be about 3-4K. Anyone interested can reply here or simply message me at my email. Thanks!

Update

cherry916 — Thu, 16 Jun 2016 04:05:31 GMT

Well, I don’t know if anyone remembers a little bit ago I made a post talking about the discovery of a cyst on my pineal gland. I was having MRI’s done to see if it was something I needed to remove. I just had my 6 month follow up MRI and it was noted it has grown more. I am almost at 2 centimeters and that is the cut off point for cysts because it will start causing symptoms related to the eye. The cyst is close to blocking a tube that allows fluids for the eye to flow. Pineal cysts are actually very common however large ones like I have are not as common and are often removed. My neurologist said I have a lot of extra room around in there which is likely why I haven’t developed symptoms yet but he referred me to a neurosurgeon for USF anyway because he is certain I am going to need it removed. The consultation is on the 18th of July and I (hopefully) expect the surgery will follow soon because I don’t want it to effect my school schedule. I imagine I’ll be in the hospital for a week and recovery should be about a month.

Thankfully they don’t do a craniotomy anymore. They remove a small portion of skull near the back of the neck and remove it by popping it, sucking out the pus and then removing the skin. The pineal gland is located in the middle of the brain near the back if anyone is curious. I am hoping this will lesson the migraines I have been having as I have been burdened with them since childhood. I have read a lot of stories from others who have had theirs removed as well and they said that it helped so that is really the number one reason I am ready for the surgery. I will update you all on any further progress.

Think. Believe. Dream.

FIC: Melt With You

New Life

Happy 4th of July

Update

*knock knock* is this thing on?

2 week till I turn 24

LJ 18th anniversary

The Road so Far...

Delicious Bookmarks

What's new pussy cat?

Fic: 10 Things I Like About Jared (AKA 10 Ways to Fall in Love With Jared)

Merry Christmas!

Christmas Cards!

It's almost that time!

PDF Library Update

Thanks for the support

Not sure how to make this kind of post

Stay Safe!

Reflection

Howdy Ho!

PDF Library Updated

Cover Art Needed

Thanks

Beta needed

Update

knock knock is this thing on?