River fishing
Searching for my soul
Llangollen will never get old
The river is about to explode
Flowing freely and wisely
As one can see
Trees broken and deceased
Where is this release?
The river invites you
Through the highs and the lows
When time is fun
Or when time to think
What have I done
Stay calm, stay calm
This river will do you no harm

I’m not sure how I am meant to be feeling
The pains in my chest keep increasing
My heart keeps missing beats
What’s this now? I feel as though I’m not breathing
The ambulance noise is all I want to be hearing
The waiting room is chronic
The memories of Mum being here, reappear
They neglected her, whilst she was admitted here
The doctors, the nurses, ignored the facts
Is my illness real?
Is it anxiety I feel?
The chronicle of my mum’s death
I haven’t had the time to mourn
I was fighting for a post mortem
The funeral arrangements I had to make
Ringing here, ringing there, looking for the answer
Finally, a meeting with the doctor, he blames the cancer
We know this wasn’t right, I continue the fight
The pain spreads from my chest to my ribs
All I want is to be in my mum’s crib
Four hours, four days, four weeks later and still waiting
‘It’s not your heart dear love’ the doctor said
Take these antibiotics and let us have back the bed
He’s far too busy to know exactly what’s wrong with me

A call from the coroner’s secretary
They say a post mortem is necessary
I knew it wasn’t the cancer
Investigation is under way, no answer given will bring back my mum
But if the way the patients are treated, changes, it may help someone
A life could be saved

The palpitations return, my breathing is shallow, my chest is pounding
I lie on the settee, trying not to panic, I need a grounding
Tacky cardiac runs through my mind
I think I need to go to the hospital, because I think I’m going to die
My dad puts his arms around me, and I break down and cry
Cup of tea, two sugars, no milk, ‘I will make you a drink’
My dad tells me I’ve done too much, ‘Calm down, there’s no rush’
In the next breath he tells me there’s forms to be done, but no rush
He’s struggling, I know he is, I’m the only daughter that’s helped

The next week I take a rest, but still suffering with pains in my chest
I visit the doctor, she listens and cares and doing all the necessary checks
Is it illness or anxiety that is causing this?

Still waiting for the coroner’s investigation to be completed
I don’t think I can cope with the answers, but I will not be defeated
I am strong, determined and passionate, just like my mum

The night is here, there’s nothing to fear
Don’t get angry, don’t get scared
It’s not always going to be like this
You don’t need any alcohol or weed
You must find the life you want to lead
Deal with things as they arrive
Remember you are still alive
For not much longer if you drink
For your body is going to sink
Stand up and be proud
Say what’s on your mind
Don’t get caught up
Don’t be blind
For you are the only one that can see
How you want your life to be
Nobody can change the past from what it once was
Only you can make the future what it is meant to be
Forget it, forget it
Let it all be
Be healthy
Be free

The waves create a craze
I want to jump in, to hide all the sin
I’m here by the sea, feeling weak and insecure
The gentle waves have found the cure
The water I adore
The big crash of the waves, I always crave
There’s the smooth tidal times near to the pier
It’s not all about what I hear
The waves whisper and it all makes sense
Having the sea by my side
Is the time I have nothing to hide
For the tide is most definitely my ride
This is the place I get my release
It’s where I find my inner peace

Why is it never the right time to talk?
Why is it I never want to bring it up?
He’s going to work
He’s reading
He’s tired
And so on
Excuse after excuse
Normally it would be the wine I drink
That would give me courage
To bring up, what I want to ask
I rehearse it and think of all the possible scenarios
All the possible replies
Or all the distractions from the possible answer I’m wanting to hear
What is it I actually fear?
It eats me up inside
Avoidance
Not just through drink
But
Everything I feel inside
Why do I not just say how I feel?
Even questioning myself with this writing
Who is it I’m fighting?
It’s only in my head
When will I realise its only myself I am fighting?
I have a voice
I have a heart
I have a soul
I’m always looking for a certain role
Role of mum, role of daughter
Role of sister
Role of being the missus to my mister
Role of occupation
Role of fixer
Role of strength for everyone, except myself
I do stay strong, only knows for how long?
When will it all explode?
Next time will I be able to reload?
Will I lose my mind?
Will I lose faith?
Will I lose my place?

Who am I?
I am fun, crazy and neurotic
That is who I am
I was once scared, shy but neurotic
My life was once all so chaotic
I’ve been abused and used
Those times I did not choose
I am strong, independent and neurotic
That’s something I had forgotten
I am a thinker, a writer and most definitely a fighter
I am, who I want to be
Living the life the way I want it to be
Happily, freely and obviously still crazy
And neurotic
Because that’s just me

The Tree of Grace
I have no space
I never have time to make grace
Life is one massive race
Race against time
No time is my own
I want to be left alone
Isolation is what I crave
Who would have thought
I was once the rave
In the woods is where I’d like to be
I’m everyone’s branch
But my trunk is corrosive
My roots are decaying
Rotting from the inside out
Each time I produce a new layer
My roots run deep