Emo-Hour

cheatachu @ 2008-09-04T13:25:00

2008-09-04T17:25:44Z

cheatachu @ 2008-09-02T12:28:00

2008-09-02T16:31:21Z

Good song and a good laugh.

2008-05-20T05:23:17Z

(real lyrics)
I wish I was free of this
I see her in my dreams
Wish that she wasn't there
But she still haunts me and I

Still feel her breath on me
Still want to taste her skin
But I know that would kill me

No damn her, still I choke on her lies
Still reeling from her last caress her good-bye
Oh how this sickens me
This wretched fools affair
I can't erase this from me

And now it permeates
And every thought I feel
The anger writhes in my soul

No damn her still I feel my skin turn
Choke back hold my head high I'm strong
No damn her still I choke on her lies

Not reeling I'm strong

cheatachu @ 2008-05-18T20:00:00

2008-05-19T00:00:58Z

It's not so much the pain
It's more the actual knife
Pretending, the picture is perfect
I cut myself to sleep
I close my eyes for a second
And meet a fragile soul
I scream to hide that I'm lonely
The echo calls my name

If I ever...If I never...
Make me understand the thought whatever
Make me see...Make me be...
Make me understand you're there for me

Take this life
I'm right here
Stay a while and breathe me in

The water drops just beg to hit me
Why now? Haven't rained for days
No time to play hide and seek
I call upon you to take me on
Break me down to pieces
Put me back, do it right this time
Struggling to fill this empty shell
Burn my efforts in the end it means

These thoughts...burn a hole in my heart
These thoughts...will keep me feeding
These thoughts...burn a hole in my heart
These thoughts..will keep me feeding

cheatachu @ 2008-05-17T10:05:00

2008-05-17T14:05:48Z

Drones since the dawn of time
Compelled to live your sheltered lives
Not once has anyone ever seen
Such a rise in pure hypocrisy
I'll instigate I'll free your mind
I'll show you what I've known all this time

God hates us all, God hates us all
You know it's true God hates this place
You know it's true he hates this race

Homicide - Suicide
Hate heals, you should try it sometime
Strive for peace with acts of war
The beauty of death we all adore
I have no faith distracting me
I know why your prayers will never be answered
God hates us all; God hates us all
He fuckin' hates me

Pessimist, terrorist targeting the next mark
Global chaos feeding on hysteria
Cut throat, slit your wrist, shoot you in the back fair game
Drug abuse, self abuse searching for the next high
Sounds a lot like hell is spreading all the time
I'm waiting for the day the whole world fuckin' dies

I never said I wanted to be God's disciple
I'll never be the one to blindly follow

Man made virus infecting the world
Self-destruct human time bomb
What if there is no God would you think the fuckin' same
Wasting your life in a leap of blind faith
Wake the fuck up can't ignore what I say
I got my own philosophy

I hate everyone equally
You can't tear that out of me
No segregation - seperation
Just me in my world of enemies

I never said I wanted to be God's disciple
I'll never be the one to blindly follow
I'll never be the one to bear the cross - disciple

I reject this fuckin' race
I despise this fuckin' place

eating = bad & decisions

2008-05-17T03:15:21Z

Apparently my body just rejects food now.

I haven't had a full meal or anything close to it since Tuesday. Just had no appetite at all, not sure why either. But today I tried to force myself to eat some pizza at work, it stayed down for about 30 minutes before it came back up. I guess I'll try a liquid diet or something... at least I'll lose some weight.

anyway, I find myself in a conundrum, Right now at work it's getting pretty bad, several people are talking of quitting. Managers and higher ups are pressuring pple to do a LOT more than what we're getting paid for. And morale is pretty much nil. Plus when school starts back up, they apparently won't adjust my schedule around it anymore. They actually told one of the people "leave school, or lose full time". Only reason I'm full time is for the benefits.

So what I'm considering is going back to where I worked before I got pulled into the retail hell. Bax global, I have several friends that still work there, and I'm sure I can move up quick there (move up = certified = "easier job"). I sat down, weighed the numbers and if I worked 40 hours in 2 weeks at bax, and 64 hours (my avg hours per paycheck) I'd make about 40-70 less gross.

Bax has benefits included, they cover it, where as I pay 59$ for full insurance at office max (which is included in the amount stated above). Another nice thing is, that it's a work out, it's third shift which gives me the entire day to do whatever, plus also completely opens up the day for school when it starts. It also give tuition reimbursement which is always nice.

So, do I go to a more physically demanding job, that pays more hourly, but less hours and make a little less overall? Or tough it out at officemax and look for a more "professional" 9-5 type job?

Other decisions are a little different though and more tricky, I've made a lot of mistakes, a lot that I regret, and I don't want to do the same on these next ones. I hate this shit.

cheatachu @ 2008-05-16T22:22:00

2008-05-17T02:22:46Z

cheatachu @ 2008-05-16T11:29:00

2008-05-16T15:29:41Z

Hold me now I need to feel relief
Like I never wanted anything
I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to
I'm so ashamed of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to get by

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the path I'm living on
I'm right on the wrong side of it all

I can't face myself when I wake up
And look inside a mirror
I'm so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I'll let it go
Until I have something more to say for me
I'm so afraid of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to defy

Now I'm ashamed of this
I am so ashamed of this
Now I'm so ashamed of me
I am so ashamed of me...

cheatachu @ 2008-05-16T11:19:00

2008-05-16T15:19:12Z

Take the light, undarken everything around me
Call the clowns and listen closely, i'm lost without you
Call your name every day when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down but i'll rise above this, rise above this

Hate the mind, regrets are better left unspoken
For all we know, this void will grow and
Everything's in vain, distressing you though it leaves me open
Feels so right, but i'll end this all before it gets me

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this doubt

I'll mend myself before it gets me
(i'll mend myself before it gets me)
I'll mend myself before it gets me
(i'll mend myself before it gets me)

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this
Forty eight ways to say that i'm feelin' helpless
Fallin' down, fallin down', but i'll rise above this, rise above this

cheatachu @ 2008-05-13T11:40:00

2008-05-13T15:40:39Z

cheatachu @ 2008-05-05T01:17:00

2008-05-05T05:18:30Z

I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everythings nothing without you
I'll wait here forever just to, to see you smile
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you

Through it all, I made my mistakes
I stumble and fall, but I mean these words

I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, 'as I bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

Thoughts read unspoken, forever in doubt
Pieces of memories fall to the ground
I know what I didn't have so, I won't let this go
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you

All the streets where I walked alone, with nowhere to go
I've come to an end

I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, 'as I bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies
When you don't know what you're looking to find
In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies
When you just never know what you will find (what you will find)

I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everythings nothing without you

I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, 'as I bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go (I want you to know)
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, 'as I bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

Lombardo = drum god

2008-05-03T04:41:35Z

never seen a double bass set go faster... never..

cheatachu @ 2008-05-02T01:26:00

2008-05-02T05:26:31Z

perfect little dream the kind that hurts the most
forgot how it feels well almost
no one to blame always the same
open my eyes wake up in flames
it took you to make me realize
it took you to make me realize
it took you to make me realize
it took you to make me see the light
smashed up my sanity
smashed up my integrity
smashed up what i believed in
smashed up what's left of me
smashed up my everything
smashed up all that was true
gonna smash myself to pieces
i don't know what else to do
covered in hope and vaseline
still cannot fix this broken machine
watching the hole it used to be mine
just watching it burn in my steady systematic decline
of the trust i will betray
give it to me i throw it away
after everything i've done i hate myself for what i've become
i tried
i gave up
throw it away

cheatachu @ 2008-05-01T11:50:00

2008-05-01T15:52:12Z

This place rings with echoes of
Lives once lived, but now are lost
Times spent wondering about tomorrow

I don't care, if we lose it all tonight
Up in flames, burning bright
Warming the air of the world

"I don't love you anymore", is all
I remember you telling me, never have I felt so cold
But I've no more blood to bleed
'cause my heart has been drained into the sea

Steps I take in your footsteps
Are getting me closer to what is left
Of the dreams of what I once claimed to know

Within my bones this resonates
Boiling blood will circulate
Could you tell me again what you did this for?

"I don't love you anymore", is all
I remember you telling me, never have I felt so cold
But I've no more blood to bleed
'cause my heart has been drained into the sea

Well still I wait with a hope inside of me (inside of me)
So still I wait until again we meet, until again we meet

Within my bones this resonates
Boiling blood will circulate
Could you tell me again what you did this for?

"I don't love you anymore", is all
I remember you telling me, never have I felt so cold
But I've no more blood to bleed
'cause my heart has been drained into the sea

And still I wait with a hope inside of me
And still I wait

cheatachu @ 2008-05-01T11:38:00

2008-05-01T15:42:48Z

You are wrong, fucked, and overrated
I think I'm gonna be sick and it's your fault
This is the end of everything.
You are the end of everything.
I haven't slept since I woke up and found my whole life was a lie, motherfucker!
This is the end of everything.
You are the end of everything

Shallow skin, I can paint with pain.
I mark the trails on my arms with your disdain.
Everyday it's the same - I LOVE, YOU HATE.
But I guess I don't care any more.

Fix my problems with the blade.
While my eyes turn from blue to gray.
God, the worst thing happened to me today.
But I guess I don't care anymore.

My flaws are the only thing left that's pure.
Can't really live, can't really endure.
Everything I see reminds me of her.
God I wish I didn't care anymore.
The more I touch, the less I feel.
I'm lying to myself that it's not real.
Why is everybody making such a big fucking deal?
I'm never gonna care anymore.

What the hell am I doing?
Is there anyone left in my life?
What the fuck was I thinking?
Anybody want to tell me I'm fine?
Where the hell am I going?
Do I even need a reason to hide?
I am only betrayed!
I am only conditioned to die!

cheatachu @ 2008-05-01T11:21:00

2008-05-01T15:22:06Z

Do you ever wonder where
We would be if we had tried
A little harder

It seems like yesterday
That we were making plans
For the future

But it's been so long
Since I have known the truth
These dreams we've left abandoned

And I'm haunted by your face
And the memory of your kisses
Sweet kisses

Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
I still can't forget your touch
We swore that we would never end
And that our love transcended space and time

These memories slip away
The ghost of what we were
Is fading

But there is no more pain
Which is funny 'cause that night
I was dying
I was dying

Now I don't even recognize
The girl I swore that someday
I would marry

But I can't forget her face
And I can't forget her kisses
Sweet kisses

Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
I still can't forget your touch
Or how we swore that we would never be alone
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
'Cause I still can't forget your touch
We swore that we would never end
And that our love transcended space and time
Do you remember?
God I remember so much

cheatachu @ 2008-04-29T12:08:00

2008-04-29T16:09:31Z

Wake in a sweat again
Another day's been laid to waste
In my disgrace
Stuck in my head again
Feels like I'll never leave this place
There's no escape
I'm my own worst enemy

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me!

I don't know what to take
Thought I was focused but I'm scared
I'm not prepared
I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And no one cares
I'm my own worst enemy

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me!

*GOD !!!!!!!!*
PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY
PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY
PUT ME OUT OF MY
PUT ME OUT OF MY FUCKING
MISERY..............

I've given up
I'm sick of living
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me!

cheatachu @ 2008-04-29T10:22:00

2008-04-29T14:22:36Z

I cant get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know we'll be alright
Perhaps its just my imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
Its time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least theres pretty lights
And though theres little variation
It nullifies the night
From overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

I cant get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know we'll be alright
Its just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

gone

2008-04-26T21:35:21Z

The one thing in my life worth working for is gone...what else is there now?

Earthquake

2008-04-18T11:09:11Z

Early this morning, I was trying to sleep but couldn't due to bad dreams and my mind constantly turning. Then I felt a slight shaking, just enough to shake my cabinet handles enough to make noise (which generally takes jumping or stomping near it to do that). I paid no attention to it until this morning when I gave up trying to sleep, the news reported a quake in the midwest...

crazy..

Me in a week

2008-04-17T15:36:33Z

So starting next week I'm going to a gym to get non-fat...but a favorite site of mine had a comic that pretty much predicts what I think will happen:

http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2008/4/16/

emo moment

2008-04-11T18:17:54Z

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
"Just what your worth"

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...

Tears stream, down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

kthxbye

my eye = bad

2008-01-28T15:24:59Z

Yesterday i had an irritated eye..at work. For 9+ hours I had something in my contact irritating it over time. I came home to take out my contact and realize that the fresh air exponentially worsened my irritation. I woke up this morning to a closed up right eye with crusted eye gook on it...eww.

So no contacts for me for a few days while I let it heal up.

cheatachu @ 2007-12-20T03:47:00

2007-12-20T08:48:10Z

Yay for coffee!

2007-08-07T16:35:14Z

Jana got me an espresso / Cappuccino maker for my bday! I've had like 3 cups today so far, I'm loving it! :D