Chauchan

chauchan — Wed, 25 Dec 2013 06:37:00 GMT

Merry Christmas!

Happy holidays to everyone who wonders by this entry :)

chauchan — Thu, 24 Oct 2013 05:51:31 GMT

I went to visit my friend who lives in another province. She did not bring up the coming out thing. I kind of wanted to talk, but I didn't want to push anything if she wasn't ready/comfortable. So, yeah :/ Things seemed mostly the same between us though, so that's good.

The worst part of the trip was being stuck in the car with her husband who felt like he was going to throw up. Also worrying that he has a stomach virus and we were going back to their place that had one bathroom. Luckily he didn't throw up in the car or back at the house. He threw up at the house of the people we were visiting, but I only heard coughing sounds, so I'm going to pretend he was coughing.

It was nice to visit them and spend time just hanging out.

-

I'm watching Masterchef Junior. It's amazing what those children can cook. I...need to get practicing :)

chauchan — Thu, 03 Oct 2013 01:36:09 GMT

So far things are good. She said she loves me and is glad I felt I could tell her. I'll see if things are awkward on Skype or when I see her in week. When we actually talk about it I'm going to ask if she was surprised or if she sort of knew.

An update lacking in details. I should write something another day.

chauchan — Tue, 01 Oct 2013 02:17:05 GMT

I am going to e-mail my friend tomorrow about the gay thing. I chickened out, then stuff happened, but now I think is a good time.

-

My last day at my work is this week.

-

I'm not watching anything really interesting or worthwhile right now. I don't feel like trying anything new... so hopefully I don't miss out on anything really fun.

-

I kind of want to volunteer somewhere, but I don't think this is a good time to start. I'm not sure what my job situation will be like in the next month or so. I hopefully will be working somewhere that is not a store.

-

I have so much cleaning and organizing to do. My bedroom isn't that bad. I just have 4 sections elsewhere in my house that need my attention.

-

Let's just assume I'm going to continuously have inappropriate crushes from now on.

-

This week is going to feel soooo long. I can't wait until I'm finished with this job. I'm very anxious about starting somewhere new though.

chauchan — Tue, 13 Aug 2013 04:32:04 GMT

I want to see people and do things with them. When I'm with friends and family I can have a good time.
Just... I wish I didn't have anything planned and I could stay home all week :/

chauchan — Wed, 07 Aug 2013 00:45:12 GMT

I think I'm going to write this:

Subject: Bi or maybe gay

Dear Friend,

I'm not straight.
I'll answer any questions you may have.

Love, Me

---

I dislike writing, but I have another thing I want to write. I need to write my resume. My last one is so old it probably isn't relevant, so I'm starting from scratch. Blah.

chauchan — Thu, 01 Aug 2013 03:15:59 GMT

I feel like my best friend is distancing herself from me.

I told her I missed talking with her more and then when it was her time to reply to an e-mail she didn't for almost 3 weeks.

:/

I'm feeling lonely.

chauchan — Sun, 14 Jul 2013 02:13:36 GMT

I'm not sure how to start the coming out letter to my friend. I'm seriously considering send it to her now, so we can talk in person if she wants to before she goes back home.

What I have been watching

chauchan — Wed, 03 Jul 2013 02:06:02 GMT

I think I need to watch this video a couple more times. http://youtu.be/3_9KVdeCjy8
I know deep down a friendship I have won't turn into anything more, so I just need to keep remembering that. I need to meet new people!

I watched several videos on Hannah Hart's YouTube channels and that led me to watching some videos on other channels that I haven't had an urge to watch before with Youtubers like Joey, Shane, Grace, etc. I usually watch cooking channels like Cooking with Dog, Yoyomax12 and Fifteen Spatulas. I also watch the Fine Bros and that's where I have seen some of the others before on the YouTubers React Show.

Why have I been watching more videos on YT? I had a week off and I didn't feel like doing much. It's very easy to sit on the couch and just watch things.

I did visit two friends. I skipped visiting one friend, because her house recently had a stomach bug :/
~

Right now on Netflix I'm watching the whole series of Angel. I just had an urge to watch it and so I did. I'm already into season 5, because I started this a few weeks ago. I'm enjoying it. I thought I watched the whole thing before, but there was a chunk of episodes that I don't remember watching. I wasn't annoyed by certain storylines like I was the first time I saw them.

I enjoyed how they made Darla's labour a lot more realistic than they usually do in TV shows. She didn't have her water break and then immediately start crying in pain. She had Braxton Hicks contractions. She had pains that varied in length and intensity. Haha... I have mentioned my interest in childbirth on here, right?

The two things on TV that I am watching are Under the Dome and Big Brother. They just started so I don't have much to say about them. I just don't like the crazy guy on UtD and several people on BB.

Apparently some of the cast of BB have been saying racist, homophobic and sexist things that only the people watching the livefeeds see. People are upset the vast majority of people don't know about these things, because this year America votes for people to do things and they don't see the whole picture.

The two things that I'm going to start watching soon are Orphan Black and Skins.

Maybe one day I'll have new things to write about. Maybe if I snap and quit my job :)

chauchan — Tue, 14 May 2013 04:06:44 GMT

I feel like some things I've been thinking about for a long time and it's time to stop thinking and just do.

I have written before about why I don't want to come out. I think I didn't mention two reasons that bother me right now.

I don't want people to worry about my afterlife.

I don't want people to be sad, because they think I won't be in heaven with them. My thoughts are too jumbled about this to write about it now. I just don't think I should make that a reason not to tell someone something about me.

I don't want to worry about being unsafe.

Unfortunately there are crappy people in this world who harm others. I wouldn't want to put an extra target on my back. This isn't a good reason for not being me though. You can't live your life ruled by fear. Also you can get hurt in multitude of ways that you have no control over. So... yeah.

---

Seriously, my mom probably already knows. I just really don't feel like having this conversation with her. So... I'm not going to, for now. Maybe when I move out or if there is someone to come out for.

I will be telling B though. I am going to send her a short e-mail and then we can chat on Skype. I don't want to tell her when she visits in case things get awkward.

Again nobody else really needs to know unless I'm going to start dating or I feel like advocating for gay people at my church or work.

---

I've decided my parents need their own Netflix account and I'm going to fix that this week. Kiss Me is on Netflix now. I need to finish my list of things to watch :)

chauchan — Sun, 21 Apr 2013 04:07:45 GMT

I decided to listen to some Tegan and Sara, because I have heard about them and never really listened to their music. Also lurkingly has been talking about them :)

I listened to some videos on YT and I liked Alligator and Call It Off. I thought they sounded familiar and then I remembered where I had heard the songs.

I used to read the blog at Everyone Is Gay.com and watched their webcasts when they started making them. Here and here are the videos I remembered.

I probably would like other Tegan and Sara songs, I just haven't listened to much yet. I did enjoy watching some interview and vlog type videos.

I don't want fake things to be scary

chauchan — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 03:52:16 GMT

A couple of my co-workers are afraid of snakes. They are so afraid of snakes they don't like to touch the wooden toy snakes we have in our store. I was thinking that was kind of silly. The toys are obviously fake and they don't move, so why are they afraid of them?

I have been avoiding watching Pitch Perfect. I want to watch it, because there is singing and because of things I have seen on Tumblr. I have avoided watching it, because there is apparently a few scenes with a lot of vomiting :/ Someone may say, "It's not real! Why are you afraid of it? You can't get sick from the vomit on your screen!"

So, maybe I shouldn't be so quick to make fun of the people who don't like the toy snakes. Maybe the toys remind them of the real thing too much. Maybe whenever they see snakes they have nightmares about them. Maybe the shape/feel of the snake is scary. I don't know and I can't judge.

I want to get over my dislike of seeing people fake vomit. I don't like it, because the sound and sight gets stuck in my head. When I worry about getting sick or about someone else getting sick, I don't want to have vivid pictures to draw from in my head. I also don't like the sound. I sometimes have nightmares about having a stomach bug and I don't think seeing that on my TV helps.

Anyway... I think I need to desensitize myself a little bit. I watched Bridesmaids and I completely skipped over the part in the bridal shop, because I knew what was coming. Maybe I should watch Pitch Perfect and not mute the TV and cover my eyes in certain scenes. My main fear is getting sick, so I need to work on not being bothered just by vomit.

Bleh. I need another topic to think about before bed!

Nothing to see here

chauchan — Thu, 21 Mar 2013 03:01:10 GMT

Monday, Tuesday and Today I watched the Matrix trilogy. I just felt like like watching it. I don't think I liked the ending when I first saw it, but I like it better now. I don't have anything deep to say about the movie. Just wanted to write that I saw it, in case I want to remember the last time I saw it :D

~

I still feel a little sick and cough sometimes :/ Hopefully next week will be better health-wise.

~

I'm so bored and have nothing to write about.

It's my 600th post! Woo!

chauchan — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 03:17:15 GMT

I have pink eye! Ha, I don't have something fun to write about for my 600th entry. I have been sick this past week and a half. This morning when I woke up my left eye was swollen, red and goopy and my right eye was a bit red too :(

I am not good at putting drops in my eyes. Actually I have written about how I'm bad at getting drops put in my eyes. I never updated after those entries. The last time I went to the eye doctor (the first specialist), which was last year, he said he wasn't sure what he saw at the back of my eyes. He said everything looked fine! Pretty sure my mom was praying hard for my eyes, because of all the trouble she has with hers.

Anyway, I'm not as bad as Rachel about putting drops in my eyes. I didn't have to be held down... just needed help prying my eyelid open :)

chauchan — Sun, 10 Mar 2013 20:53:51 GMT

Last night I went bowling. I went with some friends from church. As the evening went on I got a bit better, so I need to go back soon and continue to improve :) We went 5 pin bowling which I enjoy more, because of the smaller balls.

My last score was 111. The highest score in my lane was 188.

~

I wish I didn't notice people who are completely inappropriate for me. I'm not going to even entertain thoughts of this crush. Nope. Going to stop it in its tracks.

~

I haven't found my new thing yet :/
~

I am signing up for a dating site... I am in the middle of signing up, because you have to fill out this really long survey. I'm at the part where the question is, "We all have things that interest us: art, sports, music, family, faith, the environment. What are you passionate about?"
I don't know what to write. Like I said before I need new hobbies and interests.

The things I spend time on now I don't really want to put as initial interests on that type of thing. I read a lot of fanfiction :P I also read a lot about childbirth and parenting, but I don't want kids so that could be misleading.

*Well nevermind. I just finished and I had zero matches... I don't know if that's because I suck or because there aren't that many people on the site.
~

I am sick. I started getting a cold last Monday. Today when I woke up I noticed the right side of my face is a bit swollen and it's sore. I hope I don't have an infection :(

Bored

chauchan — Tue, 19 Feb 2013 03:27:36 GMT

I need a new hobby or subject to learn about. I need something new to read or watch.

I want something new to talk about.

I have no idea what I want this new thing to be.

Bleh

chauchan — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 04:36:51 GMT

I want to tell B about my being not straight. She is my closest friend from church (and one of my closest friends in general). I need to talk to someone about the whole religion aspect of it. Also I don't want to feel like I'm hiding something from her anymore.
I don't think it would make it *too* awkward, because she has moved away and I only see her a few times a year. I have to ask if she wants to hold onto another secret. Blah.

--

This week has had more vomit scares than normal. I'm not as scared as usual, which is good :) I find the strength of my phobia fades at times. It would really suck if I was depressed and super phobic at the same time.

A coworker was late for work, because she was throwing up! I would never encourage someone to come to work after throwing up D: I then heard that she was at work the day before and seemed fine, but the day before that she was off sick. I thought then that maybe her nausea wasn't caused by a virus if she was feeling ill on and off. She also has a doctor's appointment this Friday. So, I've convinced myself she is pregnant. That is a nice non-contagious reason for vomiting. I know there are other reasons too.

When a coworker is sick I avoid using our store washroom and use one in the mall. Today there was lady who asked me for bag in case she got sick. Then her and her husband sat on a bench outside my store. I tried not to look into the hall in case I saw something I didn't want to see. She disappeared for a while and I thought that maybe she went to the mall washroom to, you know. At lunch I didn't know which washroom to use :/

chauchan — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 12:42:54 GMT

Mornings are the hardest. I really don't want to go to work. I just want to go back to bed.

I keep daydreaming different scenarios where I quit my job.

I don't want to quit because I'm depressed though.

Movies I Have Watched From the List

chauchan — Mon, 04 Feb 2013 04:03:18 GMT

For some movies I wish they would show the main characters separately and in good lighting several times near the beginning of the movie. Sometimes I have trouble figuring out who is who and learning their names. I know that wouldn't work for all stories though :)

Anyway, I saw three of the movies from the list of movies I want to see. I saw If These Walls Could Talk 2, Pariah and Kissing Jessica Stein.

Pariah
I thought this movie was interesting. I don't think I have ever seen a movie featuring this type of Black lesbian culture. When I was looking up things online I came across works like "studs" and "aggressives" and I don't really know much about those roles/stereotypes.

I didn't really relate to main character wanting to dress in only one way. I like wearing jeans and a baggy T-shirt. I had short hair for a while. I also enjoy wearing dresses. I like to look "pretty" sometimes. I'm growing out my hair, but sometimes I wish I could chop it all off again. *shrugs* I know that some people do have a certain look and do hate to wear certain clothing.

I wish there could be a movie where the religious family members actually try to be Christians.

The story was good. Even though I love happy endings it's more realistic to show how some relationships or almost relationships don't work.

I'm not sure I will watch Pariah again. It was a pretty good movie though.

Kissing Jessica Stein
I liked this movie. It was more light than Pariah and that's the kind of movie I'm into right now.

I felt like the relationship between Jessica and Helen was being pushed from the beginning, because Jessica was so uncomfortable making out with Helen. It's too bad Jessica's experimentation was more for Helen.

I like how the movie shows their new relationships after they were with each other, so it can end on a happy note.

I don't have much to say about the movies... It would have been easier to write about them right after watching them. I have been lacking in motivation to do anything though.

I have stuff to write I just need to make myself type

chauchan — Wed, 23 Jan 2013 04:40:55 GMT

Happy New Year!

I hope whoever wanders by the journal has had a great start to their year.

Christmas wasn't too bad. It was better than I thought it was going to be. New Years was boring. I didn't do anything with friends. I was at home with a cold.

I'm not doing so great, emotional-health-wise. Each day after I wake up and great ready for work I just want to go back to bed. I do make it to work though. I just try to do my best at work and count down the time to the different breaks.

I'm not feeling great physically either, but writing about my symptoms would probably be TMI :)

~

We got a new TV and now my parents can easily watch Netflix... on my account :/ I really, really wish Netflix allowed you to delete some movies from your history or at least made your viewing history password protected. Even if people don't go through the 'Recently Watched' list they still suggest movies based on what I have seen. I think it's ridiculous that they even do that. Just because you have seen a movie doesn't mean you enjoyed it or want to see other ones like it. So anyway, my mom could be scrolling through the lists of different genres and then see "Because you watched D.E.B.S", "Because you watched Bi the Way" or "Because you watched Water Lilies", here are some other gay movies you might like. Ugh.

I need to get to bed. I will write very soon because I have seen Pariah and Kissing Jessica Stein. I also have Shelter Me in my possession. Not sure what I will say about the movies, but I will think of something.

chauchan — Tue, 11 Dec 2012 04:40:14 GMT

I'm not sure when was the last time I truly looked forward to Christmas. Was it before I worked in retail? Was it before I realized that I mostly didn't like large family gatherings?

This year there will be 15 of us at our house. I'm not looking forward to it :( I instead will prepare for it and try to have ideas of things that people can do (games, movies, etc.).

I have 5 gifts that I feel obligated to buy and that's not how gift giving should be. I'm not sure what to get my little cousins or my aunt. My aunt told my mom, "Make sure you let Chauchan know I'm bringing gifts this year!" I'm not expecting much if I look back to previous years, but that doesn't mean I just want to get her a candle or some bath stuff.

Movies I Have Seen

chauchan — Mon, 10 Dec 2012 22:20:34 GMT

In the past entry I wrote about which LGBT...well, really lesbian, movies I want to see. Here is a list of movies I have seen. This will be a work in progress as I think of the movies.

Boys Don't Cry
But I'm a Cheerleader
Circumstance
D.E.B.S
Heavenly Creatures
If These Walls Could Talk 2
Imagine Me & You
Kissing Jessica Stein
Lost and Delirious
Pariah
Show Me Love
Water Lilies

Movies I Want to See

chauchan — Mon, 03 Dec 2012 04:20:59 GMT

I haven't written an entry in a while. I open up the 'Post an Entry' window, look at the blank space and then don't feel like typing. A while ago I said to Lurkingly I would write about the good stuff and the bad stuff, but when I think about writing an entry all I can think about is the bad stuff. Ugh. If I want to write about my fears and anxieties that will have to wait for another entry. Today I'm going to write about movies I want to see.

I am watching or trying to watch some movies with a LGBT theme. There are several movies that I haven't seen, because I'm not sure how to find them or I haven't made the time to find them. I will hopefully be able to see most of these movies.

Movies were added to this list because I found the synopsis interesting and/or I know they are at the video store or library and I can have easier access to them :)

ETA: Ones I have now watched have a *.

Pariah*
Adepero Oduye portrays Alike (pronounced ah-lee-kay), a 17-year-old African-American woman who lives with her parents Audrey and Arthur (Kim Wayans and Charles Parnell) and younger sister Sharonda (Sahra Mellesse) in Brooklyn's Fort Greene neighborhood. Alike is quietly but firmly embracing her identity as a lesbian. With the sometimes boisterous support of her best friend, out lesbian Laura (Pernell Walker), Alike is especially eager to find a girlfriend. At home, her parents' marriage is strained and there is further tension in the household whenever Alike's development becomes a topic of discussion. Pressed by her mother into making the acquaintance of a colleague's daughter, Bina (Aasha Davis), Alike finds Bina to be unexpectedly refreshing to socialize with. Wondering how much she can confide in her family, Alike strives to get through adolescence with grace, humor, and tenacity - sometimes succeeding, sometimes not, but always moving forward.
This seems like there will be a bit more to the movie than just a girl figuring out she is gay.

Shelter Me*
The story's protagonists are three people: Anna, a wealthy middle-class 35-year old woman who owns, together with her mother and her brother, a factory in the northeast of Italy; she has a love affair with 25-year-old Mara, who works in the factory; then there's Anis, a young man from Maghreb who suddenly storms into their lives.
I really don't know what this movie will be about, but it's at my local library so I might give it a try.

If These Walls Could Talk 2*
Trio of stories about lesbian couples in three different decades.
I keep seeing this one pop up on lists and in discussions. I'd like to see it for myself.

Loving Annabelle
Annabelle is the wise-beyond-her-years newcomer to an exclusive Catholic girls school. Having been expelled from her first two schools she's bound to stir some trouble. Sparks fly between her and her teacher, Simone Bradley. Annabelle pursues Simone relentlessly until Simone must make a choice between following her heart and doing what's right.
This is another movie that pops up on lists of lesbian movies to see.

Kyss Mig
MIA (Ruth Vega Fernandez) and FRIDA (Liv Mjönes), both in their thirties, meet each other for the first time at their parents' engagement party. Mia's father, Lasse (Krister Henriksson), is about to get married to Frida's mother, Elizabeth (Lena Endre), which will make Mia and Frida stepsisters. Lasse's daughter, Mia, has not visited her father in years and arrives with her boyfriend, Tim (Joakim Nätterqvist), with whom she is about to get married. As Mia and Frida get to know one another, strong emotions begin to stir between them. Their relationship will turn everything upside down for everyone close to them with dramatic consequences.
I do want to see another take on the meeting-just-before-getting-married story :D

I Can't Think Straight
I Can't Think Straight is a 2008 romance film about a London-based Jordanian of Palestinian descent, Tala, who is preparing for an elaborate wedding. A turn of events causes her to have an affair and subsequently fall in love with another woman, Leyla, a British Indian.
Why is this movie so hard for me to find when it seems to be so popular?

The World Unseen
A drama centered on two women who engage in a dangerous relationship during South Africa's apartheid era.
I have been told this a pretty good movie :)

The Incredibly True Story of Two Girls in Love
An adventurous love story between two young women of different social and economic backgrounds who find themselves going through all the typical struggles of a new romance.

Fingersmith
Susan "Sue" Trinder is a fingersmith (British slang for thief) who lives in the slums of London with a baby farmer (person who looks after unwanted babies) Mrs.Sucksby. When a once rich man, who gambled all his money away, presents them with a scam that has a payout of 40,000 pounds, Sue signs on to swindle rich Maud Lilly. Maud is an orphan who lives with her uncle, but what exactly is going on in the Lilly house? Sue will pose as Maud's maid so that Mr.Rivers (the gentleman) can get close to and eventually marry her. Their plan is to put Maud in the madhouse and take the money for themselves. All goes astray though when Sue falls in love with Maud.
I have heard of Sarah Waters, but I have not read any of her novels. I'm not sure whether I should see the movie first or not.

Saving Face
A Chinese-American lesbian and her traditionalist mother are reluctant to go public with secret loves that clash against cultural expectations.

Kissing Jessica Stein*
Jessica Stein is a single, straight, successful, journalist, part of a bonded Jewish family living in New York City, who finds herself not as straight as she thought when Jessica meets and begins an intense friendship with career woman Helen Cooper which ultimately leads to romance.

chauchan — Fri, 19 Oct 2012 20:27:16 GMT

In my last entry I said I'd write about something light in my next entry. I guess I'll write about happy stuff here so I can write a worry filled post next :)

I think I'm feeling a bit better than I was before, but that could just be because the beginning of the week and last week were really bad. Let's just say it's because I'm feeling better :)

I went to the Thanksgiving Parade and that was fun. I like seeing the marching bands.

Next week will probably be better...

I can't really think of anything else happy, right now.

chauchan — Wed, 26 Sep 2012 12:15:31 GMT

I am still feeling depressed, stressed and all sorts of not so fun things. I don't want to take medication, so I really need to try working on my diet, vitamins, exercise and other things to help my health.

I'm feeling sad because my best friend isn't around. I really would have liked to talk to her about things or even just spend time with her. She is going through some problems, because she just started a new job. She deals with things by not talking about them and distracting herself. So she's busy reading things and playing games and I feel alone.
~Although she can't be the best friend for me right now I can still try to be a good friend for her. I want to send her something cute to read or a silly link.

I guess I need to practice talking to my other friends more.

I don't want to just write unhappy things in here, so my next entry will be about something light.