Saturday on the heartstrings
But what do we know of the heart nearest to our own? What do we know of our own heart?
Amelia Barr
Emil's story
I thought once that Marce and I were never meant to go anywhere. At least that was how it seemed during my first year or two at law school. I still had a lot I wanted to do with myself; go into civil service and maybe make my name as a defense lawyer. At the same time I knew Marce was still, to be honest, a little messed up. She said she didn't want to imagine 'forever' with anyone, especially after her parents' marriage broke up. It was just something I had to respect.
The day came that I thought we would call it quits. School was too much, work was too much, our respective families were just awful....the usual story. It had been going on for some time, and I thought we would have to talk about it on one perfectly ordinary day at the law school, while we were sitting down for lunch.
"You know, I don't want to hold you back. You're the more gifted of the two of us," she said as she put down her spoon and fork.
"But you're the one who's wanted it more," I said. Being a lawyer was a college dream for me, but for her it was something she'd been hoping for since she was little. "You always said you wanted to be a public prosecutor..."
"And that I was better off alone for it," she finished. She picked at the stir fried rice in front of her. "Yes, being a good prosecutor in this country is a risk. I don't want anyone I love to get hurt because I am doing what I want to do...but I don't think I can do it alone."
"You don't put up a law practice by yourself, not here," I said.
"Not that, you big silly." She bit her lip as she looked at me. "I'm not really sure how to say this."
I had to fill in the words; she was not--and still isn't---good with this sort of thing. "You need me around?"
"No. I want you around. There's a difference." Her lips quirked upwards in a slight smile. "Sometimes I dream of how it could be."
I had to set aside my meal. "Do tell."
She laced her fingers together. "This: I'm the prosecutor at a big trial, and I see you in the gallery backing me up. And I do the same when you're on the defense counsel. I make lunch dates with you even on my busiest weeks since I don't want to lose time with you. We never take the same case since I'm a prosecutor and you're a defense lawyer, and it's not good for a couple to be on opposite sides of the litigation. Sometimes I'm away, sometimes you're away, but we end up in the same place..."
I couldn't help but chuckle on seeing her go so red. It was so typical of Marce to dream of work, but unusual for her to imagine it in this context. "It's not possible. It's probable."
She managed to laugh again. "You really think so?"
I leaned in close so that our foreheads were touching. "I sometimes wish you'd be the mother of my children," I admitted.
I thought she would slap me for it, but instead she only smiled wider. "Really?"
"You'd be awesome." There was no point in hiding that now; I had thought of it too many times anyway.
"That's something nice to think about." Her smile had reached her eyes and for the first time in weeks I knew I had reason to hang on.
Amelia Barr
Emil's story
I thought once that Marce and I were never meant to go anywhere. At least that was how it seemed during my first year or two at law school. I still had a lot I wanted to do with myself; go into civil service and maybe make my name as a defense lawyer. At the same time I knew Marce was still, to be honest, a little messed up. She said she didn't want to imagine 'forever' with anyone, especially after her parents' marriage broke up. It was just something I had to respect.
The day came that I thought we would call it quits. School was too much, work was too much, our respective families were just awful....the usual story. It had been going on for some time, and I thought we would have to talk about it on one perfectly ordinary day at the law school, while we were sitting down for lunch.
"You know, I don't want to hold you back. You're the more gifted of the two of us," she said as she put down her spoon and fork.
"But you're the one who's wanted it more," I said. Being a lawyer was a college dream for me, but for her it was something she'd been hoping for since she was little. "You always said you wanted to be a public prosecutor..."
"And that I was better off alone for it," she finished. She picked at the stir fried rice in front of her. "Yes, being a good prosecutor in this country is a risk. I don't want anyone I love to get hurt because I am doing what I want to do...but I don't think I can do it alone."
"You don't put up a law practice by yourself, not here," I said.
"Not that, you big silly." She bit her lip as she looked at me. "I'm not really sure how to say this."
I had to fill in the words; she was not--and still isn't---good with this sort of thing. "You need me around?"
"No. I want you around. There's a difference." Her lips quirked upwards in a slight smile. "Sometimes I dream of how it could be."
I had to set aside my meal. "Do tell."
She laced her fingers together. "This: I'm the prosecutor at a big trial, and I see you in the gallery backing me up. And I do the same when you're on the defense counsel. I make lunch dates with you even on my busiest weeks since I don't want to lose time with you. We never take the same case since I'm a prosecutor and you're a defense lawyer, and it's not good for a couple to be on opposite sides of the litigation. Sometimes I'm away, sometimes you're away, but we end up in the same place..."
I couldn't help but chuckle on seeing her go so red. It was so typical of Marce to dream of work, but unusual for her to imagine it in this context. "It's not possible. It's probable."
She managed to laugh again. "You really think so?"
I leaned in close so that our foreheads were touching. "I sometimes wish you'd be the mother of my children," I admitted.
I thought she would slap me for it, but instead she only smiled wider. "Really?"
"You'd be awesome." There was no point in hiding that now; I had thought of it too many times anyway.
"That's something nice to think about." Her smile had reached her eyes and for the first time in weeks I knew I had reason to hang on.