Letter to the Cable Company
Dear Comcast,
Hello. You probably don't know me (or care) but I'm one of the many people who bends over each month to get metaphorically fucked out of fifty dollars for your barely functional product and minimal customer service. I'd like to thank you for making my life 'interesting' by providing me with the occasionally functional service that is a never-ending source of guesswork, flickering, and downtime. In order that you might improve your product, I'm providing you with a list of your more outstanding features.
1. My cable modem is connected to a large, white cable cord. Whenever this cord is disturbed (it can be disturbed by being bumped, nudged, having a piece of paper landing on it... haven't tried the human hair test yet) it thoughtfully disrupts my cable service by disconnecting me from the internet. Colored lights then flicker manically in what must be Morse code for "Hah! There goes .25 cents worth of your service for the day!"
2. Whenever I'm working on something important, your product helpfully reminds me that I should be doing something offline. It does this by randomly disconnecting and making a BAD-Dump! noise or two that sounds not entirely unlike "Ha ha! How much do you pay for this again?"
3. Either of the above processes occasionally freezes the computer entirely, just for added fun and amusement, I'm sure.
4. Occasionally, there are periods of 'downtime' lasting anywhere from five minutes to five hours. I'm sure these are due to highly technical problems on your end (Squirrel pissing on a cable line, Bob falling asleep on the job and nudging the off switch with his ass ...), but why is it that I pay for 50 dollars for 30 full days of service, when it really works out to only be about 20 fully functional days... if that? Perhaps you'd like to explain.
In closing, I'd like to thank you again for this wonderful foray into the world of inefficient consumerism. Though really, if I had wanted all these compatibility and functionality issues, I would have bought a Mac and connected to the net using two tin cans and some string.
Your Slave to High Speed Occasionally Functional Access,
Laura Cushing
PS: Do you know the number for DSL?
Hello. You probably don't know me (or care) but I'm one of the many people who bends over each month to get metaphorically fucked out of fifty dollars for your barely functional product and minimal customer service. I'd like to thank you for making my life 'interesting' by providing me with the occasionally functional service that is a never-ending source of guesswork, flickering, and downtime. In order that you might improve your product, I'm providing you with a list of your more outstanding features.
1. My cable modem is connected to a large, white cable cord. Whenever this cord is disturbed (it can be disturbed by being bumped, nudged, having a piece of paper landing on it... haven't tried the human hair test yet) it thoughtfully disrupts my cable service by disconnecting me from the internet. Colored lights then flicker manically in what must be Morse code for "Hah! There goes .25 cents worth of your service for the day!"
2. Whenever I'm working on something important, your product helpfully reminds me that I should be doing something offline. It does this by randomly disconnecting and making a BAD-Dump! noise or two that sounds not entirely unlike "Ha ha! How much do you pay for this again?"
3. Either of the above processes occasionally freezes the computer entirely, just for added fun and amusement, I'm sure.
4. Occasionally, there are periods of 'downtime' lasting anywhere from five minutes to five hours. I'm sure these are due to highly technical problems on your end (Squirrel pissing on a cable line, Bob falling asleep on the job and nudging the off switch with his ass ...), but why is it that I pay for 50 dollars for 30 full days of service, when it really works out to only be about 20 fully functional days... if that? Perhaps you'd like to explain.
In closing, I'd like to thank you again for this wonderful foray into the world of inefficient consumerism. Though really, if I had wanted all these compatibility and functionality issues, I would have bought a Mac and connected to the net using two tin cans and some string.
Your Slave to High Speed Occasionally Functional Access,
Laura Cushing
PS: Do you know the number for DSL?