Clear Through A Camera Lens
Title: Clear Through a Camera Lens
Pairing: Jac Vanek/Audrey Kitching, past Jac/Ryan and Audrey/Brendon
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Jac doesn't realize she's falling for Audrey until it's already happened and her whole world snaps into focus.
Disclaimer: Jac Vanek and Audrey Kitching? Not actually doin' it, as far as I know.
Author's Note: Pure fluff. If you want background info on Jac and Audrey, check out
forcedmovement's scene queen primer. If you think that Jac and Audrey are no-talent skanks, don't read this. If you are either Jac or Audrey... um, really don't read this.
There are a few pictures Jac will never show anyone.
The first time she ever held a camera was when she was three and her father took her to the zoo. She'd hoped there would be tigers- except she was three so she said "tiggers"- but it was a shitty zoo and the most interesting animal there, she thought, was a single wild pony alone in a tiny pen. She'd leaned against the railing and stared at it until her father handed her the camera and said, "Take a picture. So it'll last."
She'd never used her dad's camera before, never even held it, and she remembers the thrill of its weight in her hands, the satisfying click of the shutter. She waited anxiously for it to be developed, and even though the picture turned out so blurry she could barely make it out she took it and hid it in a box under her bed. She looks at it every now and again, when she's sad or lonely or needs to remember that she can do things, that she's not some worthless Internet whore like some people want her to believe, but mostly she just likes to know it's there.
One of the first things Audrey asks her, when they meet offline, is "So do you want to take my picture?" She's got her arm around Brendon and Jac's fingers are still curled tight around Ryan's- she's held onto him like that since he got back, doesn't want to let him go- and there's a hint of challenge in her voice that Jac would usually get pissed about. Usually. Because when a girl asks you to take a picture of her in front of her boyfriend it's usually just another way for her to compete.
But the way Audrey smiles and tilts her head and bares her teeth just a little makes Jac say, "Sure. Okay."
She turns out to be a good model. Not an easy one- Audrey's never been easy in any sense of the word, and she's impatient and fights back when she thinks you're wrong and gets tired and frustrated and can make you feel stupid and shitty sometimes when she's bored, but when Jac looks at her through the lens of her camera she feels something happen. Audrey's got... something. She calls it "je ne sais quoi" at one point and Audrey laughs and asks "are you retarded?" and they buy some watermelon vodka and somehow it all goes from there.
Jac wonders sometimes if she and Audrey would ever have become friends if it weren't for Ryan and Brendon. Sometimes she thinks they wouldn't have, because in a lot of crucial, terrifying ways Audrey is absolutely nothing like her, fierce and intense and a little desperate, a little mean, a little crazy. She tries not to think about that, though, because no matter how they got here they're here, and they fit together naturally now that they've found each other, like spoons.
They sleep like that, too, which weirds Jac out at first. She knows friends stay over in each other's beds sometimes, but it feels strange when Audrey jumps under the covers and says, "Move over, God, it's cold." Not bad strange, exactly. The kind of strange that happens when you look through a camera lens and see things in focus for the first time. She tries to stay awake when she's there because they have their best conversations with the lights off. Audrey's voice changes right before she falls asleep, softens and dips and swirls in anticipation of dreams. She's dozed off mid-sentence before; Jac tries to remember where they left off in the morning, but never can.
One morning Ryan and Brendon come over early and find them curled up together in bed, and Brendon hoots delightedly. "Foursome!" he yells, and jumps onto Audrey, who laughs and shrieks and dodges his elbows and knees. (He gets Jac in the face a coupe of times, which she takes in stride. It's Brendon.) Jac turns to look at Ryan, who is still standing in the doorway, and even though he's laughing at Brendon and his dumb fucking face there's something wary and guarded in his eyes. He looks at her, just for a second, and Jac thinks, He knows. And then she thinks, What the fuck does he know? because she's still not sure herself.
Except that's not true. She knows. She can't look at Audrey and feel so giddy and perfect and surprised and powerful without knowing what's going on.
She wonders later if that's when and why Ryan decided to break up with her. Not that it really matters, because when she's crying over him and pissed at herself for crying over him Audrey is there telling her stupid jokes and holding her hand and saying, "We'll firebomb his fucking house, okay? You're my fucking yinyang, you're strong, you're perfect, we don't need anyone else."
She asks Audrey once if she and Brendon have slept together yet. (She figures the "yet" is implied.) She's not sure if she even wants to know the answer, but she has to ask, and Audrey laughs and sneers and looks away and says something flippant but Jac sees something flicker in her eyes- hurt, confusion, guilt, something- and doesn't know what to make of it.
Two weeks later Aud is visiting and in her bed and says, out of the blue, "He was pretty bad."
Jac is half asleep, and Audrey's voice pulls her to the surface of things. "Hmm?" she mutters, trying to focus. She opens her eyes and sees Audrey's face. Her eyes are huge in the dark. She can hear her breathing, deep and measured. She's calm, which is kind of weird for Audrey and maybe an indication that she's not really calm at all, that she's trying too hard.
"Brendon," she says. Jac feels her stomach twist and wonders if she can fake being asleep, because on a scale of one to ten of things she doesn't want to talk about Audrey fucking Brendon rates at least eleven. And a half. "You asked if... you know. But it was only a few times, last month. He's kind of afraid of my tits."
That makes her laugh, at least, and she can feel Audrey smiling beside her.
"I don't know," she says after a minute. "I didn't- I mean, I wanted to. Still do. But it didn't feel right with him, you know? I mean, it wasn't like we were in love or anything." She pauses, and Jac can hear her take a deep breath. "I think that'd make it different. If I loved... someone... like I love you."
The silence stretches out and roars in Jac's ears, fills Audrey's eyes and trickles into the corners of the room.
And if this was a movie, Jac thinks later, she would seize the moment and kiss her and they'd live happily ever after. But it isn't, and she doesn't, and they fall asleep without saying much else. When Audrey goes home the next morning Jac thinks she sees that flicker in her eyes again, but then she's gone and Jac's alone and has no idea whether or not she imagined it.
She lasts a month. She sleeps curled up around a hoodie Audrey left on her bedroom floor and watches Invader Zim alone in her pajamas. She drinks the last of their watermelon vodka and considers buying more, and doesn't. She takes pictures of things and does not call Audrey and does not text Audrey and does not think about Audrey except for when she can't help it, which is often. And when she realizes it's been a month she says "fuck it"- out loud, to her reflection in the bathroom mirror- and picks up her Sidekick.
aud- what did you mean? because if you mean love like friend love, im there, and if you mean love like forever kissinglaughingspooningsoulmateyinyanglo
She doesn't wait for a reply before going to bed, and when she wakes up there's one waiting for her. She laughs a little when she sees it- it's a picture of Audrey, from the shoulders up, naked and sly, and a text that says im close. ill be there by four.
She knocks on Jac's door at five-thirty, a little breathless and damp with rain. She brings the weather in with her, a springtime sort of cold that promises the sun.
She says, without preamble, "I broke up with Brendon."
Jac tries to keep herself from smiling, but can't. Audrey smiles back, and it's fierce and warm and beautiful. She's got that look in her eyes that says she's feeling crazy and Jac has never loved anybody more.
"I was feeding you a line that night," Audrey says, stepping inside. "I was hoping you'd take the hint."
Jac laughs, a little breathless. She's not sure when they crossed that threshold, when this girl's smile and eyes and fucking smell started to make her tingle, but they've crossed it, and they're here, and that's all that matters. "I should have," she replies, and closes the door behind her. "I'm kind of dumb, I guess."
Audrey's smile grows wider and she says, "Yeah, well, no shit."
They're close together now, almost touching, and Audrey tilts her head and bares her teeth and says, "Do you want to take my picture?"
She's still not patient, or easy, but when Jac looks at her through the camera lens she memorizes every ridiculous fucking beautiful detail. The sweep of eyelashes, the stray freckles, the shadowy place below her neck, the way her fingers curl like question marks against her soft, pale skin.
And when Audrey grins one of those fierce, happy grins again and starts taking off her clothes, Jac knows this is another picture she'll never show anyone. This is all for her.
Pairing: Jac Vanek/Audrey Kitching, past Jac/Ryan and Audrey/Brendon
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Jac doesn't realize she's falling for Audrey until it's already happened and her whole world snaps into focus.
Disclaimer: Jac Vanek and Audrey Kitching? Not actually doin' it, as far as I know.
Author's Note: Pure fluff. If you want background info on Jac and Audrey, check out
forcedmovement's scene queen primer. If you think that Jac and Audrey are no-talent skanks, don't read this. If you are either Jac or Audrey... um, really don't read this.There are a few pictures Jac will never show anyone.
The first time she ever held a camera was when she was three and her father took her to the zoo. She'd hoped there would be tigers- except she was three so she said "tiggers"- but it was a shitty zoo and the most interesting animal there, she thought, was a single wild pony alone in a tiny pen. She'd leaned against the railing and stared at it until her father handed her the camera and said, "Take a picture. So it'll last."
She'd never used her dad's camera before, never even held it, and she remembers the thrill of its weight in her hands, the satisfying click of the shutter. She waited anxiously for it to be developed, and even though the picture turned out so blurry she could barely make it out she took it and hid it in a box under her bed. She looks at it every now and again, when she's sad or lonely or needs to remember that she can do things, that she's not some worthless Internet whore like some people want her to believe, but mostly she just likes to know it's there.
One of the first things Audrey asks her, when they meet offline, is "So do you want to take my picture?" She's got her arm around Brendon and Jac's fingers are still curled tight around Ryan's- she's held onto him like that since he got back, doesn't want to let him go- and there's a hint of challenge in her voice that Jac would usually get pissed about. Usually. Because when a girl asks you to take a picture of her in front of her boyfriend it's usually just another way for her to compete.
But the way Audrey smiles and tilts her head and bares her teeth just a little makes Jac say, "Sure. Okay."
She turns out to be a good model. Not an easy one- Audrey's never been easy in any sense of the word, and she's impatient and fights back when she thinks you're wrong and gets tired and frustrated and can make you feel stupid and shitty sometimes when she's bored, but when Jac looks at her through the lens of her camera she feels something happen. Audrey's got... something. She calls it "je ne sais quoi" at one point and Audrey laughs and asks "are you retarded?" and they buy some watermelon vodka and somehow it all goes from there.
Jac wonders sometimes if she and Audrey would ever have become friends if it weren't for Ryan and Brendon. Sometimes she thinks they wouldn't have, because in a lot of crucial, terrifying ways Audrey is absolutely nothing like her, fierce and intense and a little desperate, a little mean, a little crazy. She tries not to think about that, though, because no matter how they got here they're here, and they fit together naturally now that they've found each other, like spoons.
They sleep like that, too, which weirds Jac out at first. She knows friends stay over in each other's beds sometimes, but it feels strange when Audrey jumps under the covers and says, "Move over, God, it's cold." Not bad strange, exactly. The kind of strange that happens when you look through a camera lens and see things in focus for the first time. She tries to stay awake when she's there because they have their best conversations with the lights off. Audrey's voice changes right before she falls asleep, softens and dips and swirls in anticipation of dreams. She's dozed off mid-sentence before; Jac tries to remember where they left off in the morning, but never can.
One morning Ryan and Brendon come over early and find them curled up together in bed, and Brendon hoots delightedly. "Foursome!" he yells, and jumps onto Audrey, who laughs and shrieks and dodges his elbows and knees. (He gets Jac in the face a coupe of times, which she takes in stride. It's Brendon.) Jac turns to look at Ryan, who is still standing in the doorway, and even though he's laughing at Brendon and his dumb fucking face there's something wary and guarded in his eyes. He looks at her, just for a second, and Jac thinks, He knows. And then she thinks, What the fuck does he know? because she's still not sure herself.
Except that's not true. She knows. She can't look at Audrey and feel so giddy and perfect and surprised and powerful without knowing what's going on.
She wonders later if that's when and why Ryan decided to break up with her. Not that it really matters, because when she's crying over him and pissed at herself for crying over him Audrey is there telling her stupid jokes and holding her hand and saying, "We'll firebomb his fucking house, okay? You're my fucking yinyang, you're strong, you're perfect, we don't need anyone else."
She asks Audrey once if she and Brendon have slept together yet. (She figures the "yet" is implied.) She's not sure if she even wants to know the answer, but she has to ask, and Audrey laughs and sneers and looks away and says something flippant but Jac sees something flicker in her eyes- hurt, confusion, guilt, something- and doesn't know what to make of it.
Two weeks later Aud is visiting and in her bed and says, out of the blue, "He was pretty bad."
Jac is half asleep, and Audrey's voice pulls her to the surface of things. "Hmm?" she mutters, trying to focus. She opens her eyes and sees Audrey's face. Her eyes are huge in the dark. She can hear her breathing, deep and measured. She's calm, which is kind of weird for Audrey and maybe an indication that she's not really calm at all, that she's trying too hard.
"Brendon," she says. Jac feels her stomach twist and wonders if she can fake being asleep, because on a scale of one to ten of things she doesn't want to talk about Audrey fucking Brendon rates at least eleven. And a half. "You asked if... you know. But it was only a few times, last month. He's kind of afraid of my tits."
That makes her laugh, at least, and she can feel Audrey smiling beside her.
"I don't know," she says after a minute. "I didn't- I mean, I wanted to. Still do. But it didn't feel right with him, you know? I mean, it wasn't like we were in love or anything." She pauses, and Jac can hear her take a deep breath. "I think that'd make it different. If I loved... someone... like I love you."
The silence stretches out and roars in Jac's ears, fills Audrey's eyes and trickles into the corners of the room.
And if this was a movie, Jac thinks later, she would seize the moment and kiss her and they'd live happily ever after. But it isn't, and she doesn't, and they fall asleep without saying much else. When Audrey goes home the next morning Jac thinks she sees that flicker in her eyes again, but then she's gone and Jac's alone and has no idea whether or not she imagined it.
She lasts a month. She sleeps curled up around a hoodie Audrey left on her bedroom floor and watches Invader Zim alone in her pajamas. She drinks the last of their watermelon vodka and considers buying more, and doesn't. She takes pictures of things and does not call Audrey and does not text Audrey and does not think about Audrey except for when she can't help it, which is often. And when she realizes it's been a month she says "fuck it"- out loud, to her reflection in the bathroom mirror- and picks up her Sidekick.
aud- what did you mean? because if you mean love like friend love, im there, and if you mean love like forever kissinglaughingspooningsoulmateyinyanglo
She doesn't wait for a reply before going to bed, and when she wakes up there's one waiting for her. She laughs a little when she sees it- it's a picture of Audrey, from the shoulders up, naked and sly, and a text that says im close. ill be there by four.
She knocks on Jac's door at five-thirty, a little breathless and damp with rain. She brings the weather in with her, a springtime sort of cold that promises the sun.
She says, without preamble, "I broke up with Brendon."
Jac tries to keep herself from smiling, but can't. Audrey smiles back, and it's fierce and warm and beautiful. She's got that look in her eyes that says she's feeling crazy and Jac has never loved anybody more.
"I was feeding you a line that night," Audrey says, stepping inside. "I was hoping you'd take the hint."
Jac laughs, a little breathless. She's not sure when they crossed that threshold, when this girl's smile and eyes and fucking smell started to make her tingle, but they've crossed it, and they're here, and that's all that matters. "I should have," she replies, and closes the door behind her. "I'm kind of dumb, I guess."
Audrey's smile grows wider and she says, "Yeah, well, no shit."
They're close together now, almost touching, and Audrey tilts her head and bares her teeth and says, "Do you want to take my picture?"
She's still not patient, or easy, but when Jac looks at her through the camera lens she memorizes every ridiculous fucking beautiful detail. The sweep of eyelashes, the stray freckles, the shadowy place below her neck, the way her fingers curl like question marks against her soft, pale skin.
And when Audrey grins one of those fierce, happy grins again and starts taking off her clothes, Jac knows this is another picture she'll never show anyone. This is all for her.