changingtheodds

[Locked to Alfred Pennyworth]

changingtheodds — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 14:41:47 GMT

We've never met, but Rachel's talked about you. And Robin--

Whatever you said to him, I can never, ever

Thank you, ~~a thousand times~~ ~~more than I can ever~~

Thank you so much.

Multiple Locks...

changingtheodds — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 11:19:47 GMT

[Locked to the Doctor]

I'm sorry for running away like that. I'm sorry that I growled at you--I didn't mean to. I was panicking, just--

The things I saw that last day made me afraid of myself. I destroyed the people around me. And the things I did to you

I did the most terrible things to you. Seeing you like that, so suddenly, I just

I couldn't keep things clear. Keep myself divided from the things I'd seen. I

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. For so much more than I can say, and I

It was so lonely.

[Locked to Rachel Dawes]

~~I'm sorry I haven't~~

I'm okay.

I talked to Robin.

I know you aren't... together. Any more. But. I'd still like to see you. If you wanted to see me.

[Locked to Dusty, locked against replies]

This is by rights something I should say to you face to face.

I guess I'm a coward.

There's a lot happening to me. Around me. That you don't know about. There’s more that I’ve lost in the past month than I even can begin to express. There’s so much I thought I understood, just like I always think I understand and never do.

Maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s what I’ve needed to learn this whole time, that it’s never going to be easy and that I’m never going to understand, and all the world is and all you are is the moment you’re standing in. I don’t know. ~~I can’t~~

There’s too much in my head. There’s too much to sort through, still, too much I need to learn about this place and too much I need to learn about myself. ~~I’ve never~~

I’ve never been myself. I keep trying to be the person I think I’m supposed to be. ~~I can’t~~

I can’t be with anyone. I can’t feel responsible for anyone but myself. ~~I can’t feel like I h~~ I need to love myself before I can be with anyone. Anyone.

You need someone who will always be there to see you. That's not me. It hasn't been. It won't be. Maybe not ever.

I run away. I keep running away. I think I knew that sooner or later I wouldn’t be coming back.

I’m selfish and a coward too, I guess.

Know that I loved you, and that you deserve better. I would say I’m sorry but the only thing I’m sorry for is that I hurt you. Goodbye.

[locked to Robin]

changingtheodds — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 02:20:05 GMT

I'm all right.

I'm sorry.

I miss you.

[Locked to Dusty] [backdated to the morning before the Plague of Darkness began]

changingtheodds — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 06:39:36 GMT

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I

This whole thing has happened too fast.

Rachel Dawes and I are going out this morning to look for Robin. He didn't come back yesterday, he said he would, and

We're just going to find him. While the light lasts.

Please stay safe. I will be back long before midnight.

With or

With Robin.

[Multiple locks]

changingtheodds — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 07:37:46 GMT

[Locked to the Doctor]

~~I'm a fir~~

We

Can I talk to you?

[Locked to the Vesmier]

I need to speak with you at your earliest convenience.

[Multiple Locks]

changingtheodds — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 14:58:06 GMT

[Private]

I’ve been here eight months. As of today. How can… I feel more lost now than I did then. Having spent my whole life (or as much of it as I can remember--one never thinks what it’s like to forget, and to remember you’ve forgotten) before now living in confidence, suddenly having to find my way is…

Hard.

Why can words not look as painful as they feel?

I want to be told what to do. I want someone to guide me. I want to fall back into that pattern of reliance into which I was raised, and that shames me. It seems each time I take a step forward, the ground gives way under me.

I said I wouldn’t use my gift in keeping with the edicts I was raised into, and then I unmade the violent, used it to attack those who could not defend against it. I swore not to use the ability to shift as an escape. Robin left me, and I was willing to subject those who still knew me to the pain of my loss once again.

And here I must pause to wonder what kind of pain that would be, if it wouldn’t be worth it to be out of their lives, to keep from hurting them again. And then I question that, too--the motivation behind it; to free them from me, or to free myself from the guilt of involving them in my sequence of catastrophes. I question everything, these days. Every memory, every impulse, every word and emotion. I exhaust myself with wondering. Is this living your own life? Stumbling through the mire of conflicting emotions, impulses, ethics, until you’re up to your chest and wondering why you’ve yet to drown?

Once again, I don’t know what to do. Somehow the position isn’t one that gives me pride or comfort any more.

[Locked to the Doctor, Dusty, and Robin; locked against replies from the same]

I feel as though I’ve failed you all. Please, don’t stop reading there and tell me that I’ve not; at this point, your forgiveness will only compound my own guilt. What I’ve done to each and every one of you is…

I’m sorry.

Doctor: I used you. I took advantage of your own native abilities and turned them on the people of this city. I made you witness to the unmaking of people who, while they might have been murderers themselves, still had the right to live. I made you see things... relive things... I have no words

I can't apologize enough.

Dusty: I’ve made you worry. I’ve… You have so many things you’re trying to wade through on your own, and I’ve added my own ~~failures~~ ~~mistakes~~ mess. I haven’t been there for you, but you continue to help and support me. I don’t… You deserve better than this. You deserve so much more than me.

Robin: You were the one who

I can’t

I’m so sorry, I didn’t

Please

Promise me you won’t feel guilty for leaving.

[Locked to the Prophet and Eli]

I would like to see you. Please.

[locked to the Vesmier]

changingtheodds — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 03:32:31 GMT

~~I spoke to Dan~~

~~I don't know what I can say~~

~~I never~~

Please help me.

[Locked to those who know the current whereabouts of the Doctor]

changingtheodds — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 10:03:00 GMT

If someone would be so kind as to tell me where the Doctor is currently staying.

I need to speak to him. As soon as is possible.

[locked to Robin, so... basically private]

changingtheodds — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 16:14:21 GMT

I love you, and I'm not sure why.

I'm sorry, and I'm not sure why.

Everything is so confusing.

Please come back. I'm scared.

[Multiple locks]

changingtheodds — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 07:04:50 GMT

[Locked to her friends]

I'm sorry I ran off like that. I just

I don't know. I'm sorry.

[Locked to Dusty]

I'm

you

I'm really really sorry. I just didn't

I'm really sorry. please don't be angry.

[Locked to her friends; against Robin]

changingtheodds — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 05:01:25 GMT

If you don't see me for a while, it's not because I'm in trouble. Everything is fine. Please don't look for me.

[Locked to the Doctor]

changingtheodds — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 06:21:22 GMT

Is there a way to sense subconscious or psychic manipulation after the fact?

[Public]

changingtheodds — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 08:10:49 GMT

Today, at approximately 4:30 local time, I am going to Millennium Park to address the CLF issue and the bombings of the rally last month. I will speak from the newly-erected pavilion there.

If you have objections to this... I'm sorry. I can't keep silent, allowing the general public to believe that people like us not only condone but might have assisted with the explosions that happened there, and the resultant chaos. I plan on returning to stay in the Conrad for a few days after speaking, for safety's sake.

This is an open invitation to anyone who wants to assist me, to lend a face and a voice to our own interests. This is not a declaration of war. It is attempt to facilitate peace. If your own desires trend toward violence, you are not welcome. Believe me when I say I can and will stop you from hurting anyone there.

Thank you.

[Locked to the Doctor]

changingtheodds — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 05:12:18 GMT

You can sense time, correct?

Have you ever... felt yourself die?

[Drabble: Aftermath]

changingtheodds — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 08:18:19 GMT

She forgot. In that moment, she forgot it all. The Doctor, the doll, Cory. Robin and Dusty. Chicago.

In that moment she was nothing. There was only possibility, the landscape of a thousand million worlds centered on a single turning point. Desire only mildly focused. The quiet thought that this world could be better. So much better. And making it so would be easy.

Quite easy.

Ruvin falls out of bed with a sob of surprise and stays there, curled on the floor and shivering. It hurts to remember. She misses it, that feeling, and she knows it’s in her to reach that point again. She also knows that even a moment of inattention in that place, that perfect place, would mean she ceases to exist.

The floor of her little apartment in the Gauche feels strange. She’s moved the furniture around, left towels and blankets there to curl up in when she can’t fight the desire to turn furry, or when she’s stuck and needs some place burrow-in-able to sleep. She doesn’t bother with that now, instead just curling in on herself, a dog tangled up in a nightgown, trying not to think of what she could do with power like that. Trying not to think of how she can change things. Bring people back, end the CLF’s involvement in Chicago. Make the people she cares about happy. Make them happy.

It’s wrong. She knows it is. Even if she spent most of her life being feared and admired and needed, even if the council wouldn’t hesitate to take her into their ranks proper if they knew what had happened, what she’d done. She knows it’s wrong. Influence like that. Using influence like that. What kind of damage could she do? What else would she change, how would she warp the world if she did everything she knows now that she can? It would kill her. She knows that. One way or another, she would die.

A part of her, small and callous and curious, doesn't care.

That's the part that scares her.

Word Count: 345

[The following is delivered to the Conrad's basement, with a small painting of Buckingham Fountain]

changingtheodds — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 06:49:19 GMT

Robin,

I hope you're doing all right. I'm well. There's someone who's interested in displaying some of my work in her coffee shop, so I'm hoping to sell some more paintings soon. She recommended I raise my prices, and offered to show me a place where I can get them framed cheaply.

I'm safe. I wasn't in the riot--nowhere near it, in fact. I hope you weren't either.

There's not much to say. Not much has happened. I met a wanderer named Claire in the park, newly arrived, and sent her to the Conrad. I told her to ask for people who knew me, I hope that was all right.

Please take care of yourself.

With love,

Ruvin

[Locked against Dusty]

changingtheodds — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 05:55:14 GMT

If you're very fond

If you really

If you want

It's 'girl-friend', the term, correct?

What kind of ~~pere~~ presents would one give to someone if they wanted

If they aren't sure about

There is a girl that I like very much and I believe she might like me as well, and I would like to do something nice but I don't know if there is some culture-specific practice I should follow?

[Locked to friends]

changingtheodds — Sat, 30 May 2009 20:12:36 GMT

I'm leaving the Conrad. Today. I'm sorry for the abruptness, and for any worries my absence might have caused. I'm fine. I promise.

[Private: postdated to some time after she went into the Doll's house]

changingtheodds — Fri, 29 May 2009 03:33:46 GMT

I keep dreaming that I'm an animal. I woke up this morning and I couldn't remember who I was. That scares me.

I remember what Robin told me about staying an animal for too long. At the time it didn't seem so bad. It seemed... It seemed like maybe I would be better off, that way.

And then I started thinking about it, really thinking about it here. What was it that I wanted? The simplicity? I would rather be an animal than face a world without control being administered through me by judges whose motives I'd never stopped to question?

That is unacceptable. A worse than lateral move. From tool to pet. Just who do I think I am? What do I think I'm capable of? Better than that. I'm here now, aren't I? Trying to help this woman, and the Doctor, even if he doesn't want me to.

It's ironic. He's too used to being alone. I'm unused to being anything but surrounded. Cared for, directed. I've never had to make decisions on my own. I've lived since childhood knowing what I was and what I would become. And I think that is, perhaps, why I've not left the basement of the Conrad.

I can't keep waiting for purpose to find me. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know how. I don't know anything.

I think that's a good place to start.

[Private: postdated to some time after she went into the Doll's house]

changingtheodds — Tue, 26 May 2009 19:43:57 GMT

What is my purpose here?

Is it for that reason, because of that question, that I've felt so lost?

Here is what I know: The world from which I came gave me purpose, definite, complete. I was a

I was a tool. An instrument of a greater will which I presumed to be my own. Tula knew better. Thought differently. And at the time I thought nothing of her doubts, assuaged them as best I could while still fulfilling the actions prescribed to me from an authority greater than my own.

Chicago has no order. Either in general or specific terms. There is no one--of whom I am aware--that has an ability like mine. There are no edicts to fulfill. I have no purp

I have not been given a purpose here.

Is this what I have been waiting for? What I have been doing? Acting on doubts and internalized teachings which are in no longer applicable?

What have I been doing until now?

Even though I don't really see the point...

changingtheodds — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 06:25:33 GMT

You Scored as I - Magician

The Magician, represents those aspects of the personality traditionally considered "masculine". He is in control. He knows how things work. He takes action and makes things happen. One that operates through the power of Will rather than brute force. The Magician represents the application of knowledge. The Magician creates his desired reality. When this card appears in a Tarot spread it indicates the attainment of goals through the application of knowledge and Will. If badly aspected in a spread, this card can represent abuse of power. It can indicate manipulation of others, trickery and deception.

I - Magician

81%

III - The Empress

69%

X - Wheel of Fortune

63%

XV: The Devil

63%

0 - The Fool

63%

VI: The Lovers

56%

XI: Justice

44%

XIII: Death

38%

II - The High Priestess

38%

XIX: The Sun

25%

IV - The Emperor

25%

XVI: The Tower

13%

VIII - Strength

[Locked to wanderers]

changingtheodds — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 21:20:13 GMT

Can anyone tell me about the Prophet?

[Locked to wanderers and allies, against third parties]

changingtheodds — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 06:00:52 GMT

Randall Flagg. The things he says--I don't know if it is wise, but I want to trust him. He makes it sound as though he'd help us. Someone with power, on the... the natural side of things, someone who wants peace in Chicago--

I don't know. I don't understand the political systems here.

Does anyone know more about this man?

[LOCKED TO HUCK LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW]

changingtheodds — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 05:00:33 GMT

I'm going to bring you a... 'panic button' from the Conrad. In case something happens. Meet me in Grant Park, at the fountain?

Beyond the Rift: Plots

changingtheodds — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 20:59:13 GMT

New Way to Be Human: Ruvin gets stuck as a dog. This seems to happen with annoying frequency. Only this time, she gets dragged off to the pound--and picked out by some frickin’ good Samaritan. :| (Open to anyone)

Catalyst: While trying to tweak around with the Rift, Ruvin loses control of her power to alter probability. Things around her go haywire, the unlikely suddenly being the inevitable, the unthinkable suddenly coming true. This will cost her a substantial portion of her life. (Open to anyone, though the affected area would most likely be the Conrad)

My Favorite Book: Ruvin needs some reading buddies. (Open to frequent library-goers)