you're so cute when you're sedated, dear

mix: a cord between our hearts / standing too close to your heart (bates motel)

chairs — Thu, 10 Apr 2014 05:09:36 GMT

fandom. Bates Motel
subject. Norman/Norma + Dylan/Norma
title. A Cord Between Our Hearts / Standing Too Close To Your Heart

-- NORMAN & NORMA --
( STREAM)

i. SLEEP AWAKE ♦ mother mother
protecting you / protecting me / carving away our fingerprints out of our fingertips until they're smooth

ii. PERFECTION ♦ oh land
i know how she speaks and how she moves when she doesn't know what to say / 'cause her emotions carry her away / i watch it from my rooftop every night / and when i go to sleep she holds my head in her arms / and she makes sure that nothing will tear us apart

iii. MARBLE HOUSE ♦ the knife
when we are all alone then we do both agree / we have a thing in common, this was meant to be / you close my eyes and soothe my ears / you heal my wounds and dry my tears / on the inside of this marble house i grow / and the seeds i sow will grow up prisoners too

iv. M'AIDEZ ♦ sneaker pimps
ties me down with daisy chains / diamonds on her tongue and pleasure cuts and teasing / m'aidez, this is my m'aidez / open charms are lost on velvet

vi. TRENT'S A MESS (trentemoller v. gotye) ♦ rufus
let me in / where only your thoughts have been / let me occupy your mind / as you do mine

v. KRIMSON ♦ warpaint
i need a little room to sway / you hold me anyway / all my life

vii. KETTERING ♦ the antlers
you made me sleep all uneven, and i didn't believe them when they told me that there was no saving you

viii. MOTHER ♦ the golden filter
goodbye, mother / my crime, i never / released the trigger / i cried, 'mother,' / the sinking star, i'm in too far / the girl i know, mother / please lift me upon your throne / i break your heart you break my bones / and should i live, i'll fall beyond / mother, will you take me home?

-- DYLAN & NORMA --
( STREAM )

i. MATCHES TO PAPER DOLLS ♦ dessa
i changed the locks / but your key, your key's still working / you can't train a moth i guess / each beast gets her burden / so we circle this old flame / too much at stake but too late to change

iii. BTSTU ♦ niia
don't fuck with me, don't fuck with me / since you shipped my ass off to sea / i know i've been gone a long time / i'm back and i want what is mine

ii. SCAVENGER ♦ school of seven bells
i know what you are / and you're a fake / you're a scavenger / too scared to take part / you only take / 'cause you're a coward / on your own / you have no love / on your own / you're nothing at all

iv. W.D.Y.W.F.M.? ♦ the neighbourhood
maybe you're right / maybe this is all that i can be / but what if it's you / and it wasn't me? / what do you want from me?

vii. CRYSTAL (LAKE RADIO REMIX) ♦ new order
we're like crystal, we break easy / i'm a poor man, if you leave me / i'm appluaded, then forgotten / it was summer, now it's autumn

v. PEACE & HATE (FEAT. THE SUBMARINES) ♦ morgan page
i should be gone / cast away / but still i'd love you / through all peace and hate

vi. FIREPROOF ♦ the national
you're a needle in the hay / you're the water at the door / you’re a million miles away / doesn’t matter anymore

viii. NOT SORRY ♦ the cranberries
i swore i'd never feel like this again / but you're so selfish, you don't see / what you're doing to me / i keep on looking through the window again / no i'm not sorry if i do insult you

mix: the rare descendants (the fall of the house of black)

chairs — Fri, 24 Jan 2014 03:58:10 GMT

fandom. Harry Potter
subject. The Fall of the House of Black
title. The Rare Descendants
notes. Well, I'm circling the HP spiral drain again. Something about this family always keeps me coming back. It's been a while since I posted a mix here on LJ. Like most of the tumblr crowd, I've migrated over to 8tracks, but I've sort of missed formatting and writing out the lyrics, so here we are. This thing has been a work in progress since I can remember. Over the past however many years I'd throw a song that reminded me of one family member or another into a playlist, but in the last couple of days I finally endeavored to put it all together into something cohesive. So here we have it. My terrible jerk favorites, whose individual fates wound up playing into each other's hands despite the family's splintering and decay.

( stream )

i. GREENWICH MEAN TIME ♦ charlotte gainsbourg
we're all fine, we're all fine / we fit together like nickels on a dime

ii. THE WOLF ♦ phildel (bellatrix)
you once said, i wish you dead, you sinner / i'll never be more than the wolf at your door for dinner / and if i see you round like a ghost in my town, you liar / i'll leave with your head

iii. SERPENTS ♦ sharon van etten (andromeda)
close in on my black eye / i feel safe at times / certain emblems tell me it's time / serpents in my mind / looking for your crimes

iv. BLACK SHEEP ♦ sneaker pimps (sirius)
the shadows always wait beneath / but laughing loud we brave the role of black sheep / if you see me you'll be crossing the street / or kick me and then leave me to bleed

v. NO CHANCE SURVIVAL ♦ julian plenti (regulus)
there's no chance survival / and no hiding place / you must be my rival / i remember your face

vi. TIME PASSING ♦ the irrepressibles

vii. BEATRIX ♦ cocteau twins

viii. SALVATION ♦ scanners (bellatrix & sirius)
your hands they burn like mine / i'll take you to my grave

ix. 1916 ♦ cake bake betty (narcissa)
i let my hands get caught in all the flame / well i cannot play again / when do you ask me if i am okay / i see it when we dance / and make a pouter's portrait on the steps / oh my it is divine / but there's just one more question i will ask / is all this really mine?

x. CLAWS ♦ son lux (bellatrix & narcissa)
you've got your claws in me, don't you? / don't you?

xi. THE SPACE IN BETWEEN ♦ how to destroy angels
arms entwined in a final pose / narrative drawing to a close / still remain the things we couldn't kill

xii. TINY GRADIATIONS OF LOSS ♦ the caretaker

kpop recs for meg

chairs — Tue, 18 Sep 2012 15:28:52 GMT

first things first, you should know that the bestfiction comm @ lj is the ultimate go-to for kpop links, so always check there first, but if you ever can't find anything/are confronted with a dead link, don't hesitate to ask me bc i'd be more than happy to hunt down/upload anything for you. also, for your reference, this lj user uploads caps from pretty much every kpop mv to ever and explains who's who in each one, which i found to be incredibly helpful when i was first starting to get into the swing of things.
anywho, these are my recs to get you started, based on the four or so months i've spent immersing myself in little else but korean pop music (it should be noted that i am undoubtedly leaving many people's faves off this list and it is definitely not meant to be comprehensive in any way. i'm relatively new to all this myself and have plenty left to learn/discover):

01. wonder girls (profiles) i'm guessing that since once upon a time you saw them live you have some idea of what they're about, but basically, these are my forever girls, everything they do is perfect and i couldn't pick a bias if i tried. their wonder world and wonder party albums are the most fun you will ever have, so be sure to dl those asap. :) also, the wgworld tumblr has some helpful links listed here for your reference, just in case you're ever interested in watching subbed vids/their movie/etc. (definitely check out these videos of the girls talking about their favorite things because ugh, presh: yubin, sohee, sunye, yenny, no lim because she hadn't joined the group at this point.)

02. snsd/girls' generation (primer) initially i sort of sidestepped soshi (one of the biggest names in kpop, ik, ik) because i was almost - almost - too lazy to get to know the members of such a relatively large group. in my defense, i think it is kind of hard to immediately grasp who's who in a nine-member group no matter how diligently you study their music videos, but i found that this comprehensive post, lengthy as it is may be, was extremely helpful in helping me get acquainted with the girls individually, which was so worth it in the end because ugh, THESE LADIES. i have such a thing about extended, surrogate families and these girls are just THAT for each other. they seem to have achieved such a camaraderie with one another which i think is pretty awesome given how ferociously this industry tends to pit women against one another. that post i linked you to pretty much covers all the bases in terms of which music videos/songs you should check out (personal favorite might be 'hoot' because whoo, delightful retro romp! same goes for 'paparazzi'.) (also, no pressure, but member tiffany hwang is kind of the most delightful human and u shud liek her 2.)

03. miss A (primer) labelmates with wonder girls, i feel like these girls don't get the attention they deserve from their management considering how intensely fabulous they are. their first full-length album (a class) and subsequent mini-album (touch) are certified GOLD and chock full of hits but they only seem put out a single or two per release which seems like a waste (though i don't claim to know much at all about how record labels go about their business). definitely check out their 'good-bye baby' and 'touch' mvs because god, so fucking good.

04. brown eyed girls (profiles) these girls are sort of a force of nature, they are so astoundingly talented. their music videos are particularly noteworthy (check out 'abracadabra', 'sixth sense', and 'cleansing cream'). member miryo has also put out an excellent solo album titled 'MIRYO aka JOHONEY'. if you like what you hear of the group as a whole and are interested, i highly recommend you check it out.

05. 2NE1 (primer, which doesn't include their latest, 'i love you') these girls are the b e s t, and if you need anything more than this mv for their single fittingly titled 'i am the best' to convince you of that fact then i don't know what to say to you t b h. (also, you should def check out the 'HATE YOU' mv, which features animated incarnations of the girls riding around in a baby pink jeep/range rover-type vehicle and saving the world from destruction at the hands of some upstart gent, which, ya know. n__n good, v. good.)

06. big bang pretty much the only guy group i have a vested interest in. gabriella is probably the one to go to for recs for these guys though. (can you tell i'm getting sleepier and consequently lazier as i go with this? i am dreadful.)

07. secret (profiles) actually just got into this group because of their delightfully noir-ish comeback, 'poison', which appeals to, oh, just about all of my sensibilities and you may or may not have seen all over my blog recently.

08. f(x) (primer) are responsible for 'hot summer' and 'electric shock', both of which have been stuck banging around in my head for months upon months.

other people/groups that i'm not necessarily super duper passionate about but that are definitely worth looking into are KARA (primer, which doesn't include their latest release - 'pandora'), rainbow (primer), hello venus ('venus' mv), SHINee ('lucifer' mv, NOTE THE HAIR), and actual disney princess IU (primer).

and that's about all i've got in me at the moment. like i said, this is far from comprehensive. it's really just me trying to push my absolute faves on you. :3 mostly the business of stanning kpop groups/idols seems to involve aimlessly youtubing until you unearth some gems that become the catalyst for your complete undoing. :)))) on that note, i'll leave you to your own devices. if you need anything else though, just holler!

mix: build each one of my days out of hope (and i give that hope your name)

chairs — Tue, 19 Jun 2012 18:58:16 GMT

fandom. Fullmetal Alchemist
subject. Riza Hawkeye/Roy Mustang
title. Build Each One of My Days Out of Hope (And I Give That Hope Your Name)
notes. I started this about a year ago and let it fall by the wayside until a few of my favorite tumblr darlings recently watched Brotherhood and I got re-inspired. This one gave me a lot of grief, but I think it turned out alright (narrowly avoided wrapping it all up with a super trite soaring post-rock tune - phew!). My biggest concern in putting this together was letting it stray too far into more-sap-than-a-maple-tree territory, so a lot got left on cutting room floor. There are no outright declarations to be found here, just healthy heapings of angst mingling with tenacious idealism and grit and subdued (but ever present) affection. The first half languishes and dwells a bit on the past, but the second half is all about overcoming and moving forward in symbiotic partnership, because there is work to be done and there are ideals to strive for. Idk, eloquence ain't really my bag, but hopefully this speaks well enough for itself.

i. RILASSAMENTO ♦ gianni pavesi
“damn this war. even her. she has the eyes of a killer too.“

ii. THE SOLDIER ♦ john parish & polly jean harvey
send me home restless / send me home damaged / and wanting / it's the year when some poet said / we must love, or accept the consequences

iii. YOU WERE A KINDNESS ♦ the national
i'll do what i can to be a confident wreck / can't feel this way forever, i mean / there wasn't anyway for anyone to settle in / you made a slow disaster out of me

iv. THE LAW ♦ emily jane white
walking after dawn / there's a crack in my façade / you can peer into the weaknesses / and the bleakness in me / oh, this wrecked me well / i've seen a glimpse of mortal hell

v. LET THE RIVER IN ♦ radical face
i closed my eyes and saw my father's sins / they covered me like a second skin / i peeled them off and sure i bled a bit / but now i'm free to sink my own damn ship

vi. START SHOOTIN' ♦ little people

vii. TIME FOR US ♦ elsiane
we need results from this now / we need resolving / cannot waste more time / get me resolving now / now it's time / to stop this and restart it / have we found the strength to reform this?

viii. MEDITATIONS IN AN EMERGENCY ♦ susanne sundfør
“this is pure hatred and i will not let it take you.“

ix. STAND ♦ son lux
you stand between me and all my enemies

x. LEAN (LIVE WITH STRING QUARTET) ♦ oh land
did you really carry me when i was asleep? / did you try to defend me when i was weak? / ... now you're out in the bottomless sea and it's time for you to lean on me

xi. YOU WILL ♦ lia ices
i know, i know / that there's something epic that needs to come out of your skin / that you're a volcano with too much heat to hide in / and i know, i know / you won't make us wait to be brought back to life / to be brought back to dream / that you will transform us / into the people that we've always wanted to be

( .zip )
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mix: of cutthroat ilk (bellatrix, narcissa, andromeda)

chairs — Thu, 10 May 2012 20:53:04 GMT

Fandom. Harry Potter
Subject. The Sisters Black
Title. Of Cutthroat Ilk
Notes. JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WAS DONE WITH THESE LADIES (as if) (never ever). This mix has been in the making for what must be something like three years now. I was going to write something of a companion fic to go along with it, and I do have bits and pieces of my efforts floating around, but these days everything I write looks and sounds to me like something a preschooler might've scribbled out on wide-ruled paper with a fucking crayon, so. No fic for now, but in a nutshell: this is the story of Bellatrix, wild and proud to a fault, who chose to dance and drown in depths the rest of her family dared only dabble in; of Narcissa, masked (later armored) in icy hauteur, who understood the family words better than anyone - because toujours is not achieved without subtle endurance, without the will to remain; and of Andromeda, who questioned and challenged, and lost a great deal for it.

BLAH BLAH BLAH I don't want to be a giant windbag about this, so I'll wrap this up by saying this is allllllll for Lainey, who, despite her near-constant insistence to the contrary, is in FACT the actual best. Don't tell her I told you this, but she's kind of my muse, shhh. She's the reason I finally got my act together and finished this monster. I love her dearly for all she does and all she creates ~~and all the praise she showers me with whut~~.

( prelude )
BLACK SNOW IRON ORCHESTRA

one. hello night zoë keating

two. little sister (jennifer 8 mix) siouxsie and the banshees
little sister, now you're gone
let's just say it's a mercy kill

three. venus in furs devotchka
shiny, shiny, shiny boots of leather
shiny leather in the dark
whiplash girlchild, your servant
don't forsake him
strike, dear mistress

four. icct hedral aphex twin

five. warpaint (rough trade session) warpaint
the war you fight is underneath
the water getting deeper
the wall, the wall, the falling wall
the wall is busting open

in like a dull knife pulls out all the stops
i fall out like time running out
willing and i do give offering to you

one. rose hybride de thé emilie simon
*mon oeillet fixé à votre iris (my eye is fixed to your iris)
comme narcisse je contemple (like narcissus i contemplate)
dans ces miroirs entre vos tempes (in this mirror between your temples)
le reflet sombre de mes vices (the dark reflection of my vices)

translation from a lyrics wiki, dk how accurate it is.

two. bells for her (mjy mix) tori amos
so they went years and years
like sisters, blanket girls
always there through that and this
there's nothing we cannot ever fix, i said

can't stop what's coming
can't stop what is on its way
bells and footfalls and soldiers and dolls

three. black silk emily jane white
unveiling the child within before the grace of your sin
and lucifer has made a bed of wicked words to rest themselves in
go to sleep and we'll all give in
black silk, oh, wrapped around your neck
and a cutthroat ilk, oh, behind your back

four. the last bird zoë keating

five. vanities charlotte gainsbourg
you could have it all
you could pawn it off
you could learn to crawl
where you used to walk
and i, i'm only burning vanities

one. black tin box (feat. lykke li) miike snow
your sisters and you
running through the orange light of the after-day
black sheep, black sheep in the aftershocks
thought you could survive in the black tin box

two. billie holiday (sei a edit) warpaint
*as i walk this line
i am bound by the other side
and it's for my heart that i'll live

* lyrics obscured because i went with an edit
that did things for me tonally~, but that's the
sentiment behind the song, generally.

three. st. francis sarah slean
sometimes, i belong here
but it's funny how leaving
turns the emptiness up
the hole you never had before

oh, i laugh in my hands
a kiss from that man, like a melody
my pride still standing tall
but lookin' back, i wasn't brave at all
i wasn't brave at all
was i?

four. flaming home mount eerie
the house that i walk home to is in flames in this wind

five. on blue fat segal

( aftermath )
EPILOGUE SON LUX

.zip
(copy link address, change hxxp to http, you know the drill)

mix: bathe us in innocent song (loras/renly/margaery)

chairs — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 20:59:23 GMT

Fandom. Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire
Subject. Loras Tyrell/Renly Baratheon/Margaery Tyrell
Title. Bathe Us In Innocent Song
Notes. Because Mimi asked, and I felt inclined to oblige~~.

i. burning stars • MIMICKING BIRDS
(renly & margaery) and all we are is burning stars shining brightly / making sure you don't float too far / i'll keep an eye on you if you keep one on me / and then what happens we'll see

ii. inside a boy • MY BRIGHTEST DIAMOND
(renly/loras) we are clouds / we are whispers / like fawns and shape-shifters / our edges can never be found out / no, our edges keep moving further out / we are stars colliding / now we crash

iii. two loves be one • ANNE DUDLEY

iv. in the hearts of men • FIRST AID KIT
(margaery) in the hearts of men / in the arms of mothers / in the parts we play to convince others / we know what we're doing / we're doing it right / ... don't make mistakes and don't regret / don't waste the time that is left / and then do it all with a goddamn smile

v. the weight of us • SANDERS BOHLKE
(renly) there are thieves who rob us blind / and kings who kill us fine / but steady the rights and the wrongs / and bathe us in innocent song / i'm not ready, i'm not ready / for the weight of us / for the weight of all of us

vi. ultimi fuochi li • LUDOVICO EINAUDI

vii. when we no longer are around to write our love on each other's eyelids • LIBRARY TAPES

viii. in this shirt (röyksopp remix) • THE IRREPRESSIBLES
(loras, post-ACoK) i am lost, in our rainbow / now our rainbow has gone / overcast by your shadow / as our worlds move on / but in this shirt i can be you / to be near you for a while / there's a crane / knocking down all those things that we were

ix. ash black veil • APPARAT
(margaery, post-AFfC) without audible sound / comes moonlight bloom / she's alone in her room / (daytime froze, i'll need a cause to carry on on my own)

( .zip )
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mix: what you could and might have been (azula and zuko)

chairs — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 02:12:24 GMT

Fandom. Avatar: The Last Airbender
Subject. Azula and Zuko of the Fire Nation
Title. What You Could and Might Have Been
Notes. What do I even have to say about these two that I haven't already said? I've said it all. I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE. I tried to balance the focus of this mix evenly between the two but lbr I more than likely failed because I do tend to play favorites (read: this has a slight Aluza slant to it, sorry I'm not sorry). Songs marked with a ◊ denote Azula's POV, with a ♦ denote Zuko's POV. Undesignated songs have a general/dual focus.

i. SHE NEVER SLEEPS • HANS ZIMMER
"azula always lies."

ii. MONSTER • YOU SAY PARTY ◊
the pressure is pressing you down / that raging monster pulling you around / it wants to rip our skins apart / ... evil glare under her eyelids / rudely wears us on her mouth / trembling when we see her / run and hide, she’s coming around to / tear out the strings connected to our hearts

iii. MAYBE, THIS TIME (REMIX) • OK GO ♦
having spent your entire life / exactly where you are tonight / in the valley between intent and deed / you must have mastered this / the fragile art of a good excuse / the little things that get you to believe

iv. STRANGER • JOHNNY HOLLOW ◊
i'll say it simply: shut up, and listen / why don't you give up this mission? / ... words on the tip of my tongue / taking aim, cocked back just for fun / i am not your prodigal son

v. WEAPONS • SON LUX
put down all your weapons / let me in through your open wounds

vi. DESTROYING ANGEL • SNEAKER PIMPS ♦
i know you know my head's not in this now / nothing you could keep so keep me down / ... the words beneath my skin / the ink that you put in / destroying all the things you left around / 'cause i'm earthbound, coming down

vii. PASSIVE • A PERFECT CIRCLE ◊
i catch a brief reflection / what you could and might have been / it's your right and your ability to become my perfect enemy / wake up and face me / don't play dead / because maybe someday i'll walk away and say / you fucking disappoint me / maybe you're better off this way

viii. BLOODY PALMS • PHANTOGRAM
i'll see you later in the night time / where all the colors are dark or glowing / we don't really get along / we get down

ix. OBLIVION • PATRICK WOLF
wait a second / have you come so far for it to end like this? / this is the challenge / i dare you to take a hold of that darkness from deep down in you / get back up, what are you so afraid of? / show your face, face to me / be you my friend or enemy

x. CHOKE • HYBRID ◊
choke, you choke it but you know / it comes back when you're sleeping / cuts you in the dark / burn, the city is too bright

xi. WARRIOR CONCERTO • THE GLITCH MOB
"just you and me, brother. the showdown that was always meant to be."

xii. SPIDER LIKE • TRANCE TO THE SUN
here we are / skin shedders, flesh shredders / space voyagers, agents with purpose / addicts created just for you / scarred up and melting / fly higher / burnt skin from suspicious kin

xiii. WEREWOLF (DRAGON REMIX) • COCOROSIE
broken sundown, fatherless showdown / gun hip swollen lip / loose grip on gravity falls / sky blinding, crumbling walls / river sweep away my memories of children's things, a young mother's love ... i'ma shake you off

xiv. TEAR TASSLE OGRE HEART • GHOST BEES ◊
beat your breast and choke your tears / this young war will war for years / and though he can't account for it / and though you said you'd die for it / we will die for it, dear brother

xv. OVERTURE • PATRICK WOLF ♦
don't you think it's time to look back at that boy on his way to school / such a heavy heart / such a heavy jewel / ... now after all these years you are at last opening / was it worth all that war just to win? / so caught up in the speed of the days, in your sin / don't forget how the story begins, no / don't forget now

( .zip )
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fic + mix: we were hungry before we were born (cato/clove)

chairs — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 19:28:30 GMT

Fandom. The Hunger Games
Subject. Cato/Clove
Title. We Were Hungry Before We Were Born
Notes. On the subject of cover art, you'll notice that I didn't use Isabelle Fuhrman as Clove, which is by no means to say that I didn't enjoy Isabelle's performance. I think she's a stunning actress and it was a joy to watch her all alight with malice at every turn, but for the intents and purposes of this ficmix, I wanted to make Clove of an age with Cato, and Isabelle is definitely a smidge on the young side of things. Laya Lewis is who I pictured as Clove as I read the books (don't me ask why, because I couldn't tell you), so I used her. I may have taken a few liberties in the fic, bent a few rules of canon here or there. It's been a few months since I finished the books so I'm a bit hazy on the details. Oh, and I'm dedicating this to the glorious Mimi! You all should head over and request/fill prompts for the Careers comment ficathon she got started.

Bored and restless in the hotel, they train to keep each other sharp. Technically, they are not allowed to outside the allotted sessions, but being from 2 has its advantages, not least of which is that people want you to win, and so certain allowances are made (and denied, denied, if anyone starts asking questions.)

His sword slices the air where a moment ago it would have kissed the flesh of her thigh. Half a moment later he goes careening to the floor, narrowly clearing the stretch of wall her knife blesses with an unholy, resounding thud. She laughs, and spits, and smiles her blood red smile. She hadn't intended to hit him, of course. All in good time. Any minute now their chaperone will be along to usher them apart, to make sure neither one strikes too lethal a blow to the other before it's time.

As if either of them would, without a camera there to capture it.

Recovered, Cato straightens and tosses his sword aside. It clatters artlessly to the marble, and Clove makes a face, lip curling around her distaste. Artless, that's what Cato is. A killing machine if ever there was one, to be sure, every part of him programmed to crush and choke and snap to lethal angles. He's a brute, but Clove, Clove is an artist. No stroke of her knife is ever without its purpose.

The look he fixes her with now is alight with ignoble intentions − a little angry, more than a little covetous. She angles her head to one side, chin tilted in open challenge. He closes the distance between them, takes her by the shoulders (forcefully, so forcefully, all that brute strength but so little discipline) and crushes his lips to hers. He is not gentle; she is not pliant.

He kisses like he fights − hard and straight, without fuss or ceremony. She kisses back like she cuts − when she pulls away, she tries to take his lower lip away with her. Blood pearls where her teeth drag, and he hisses, fingers curling to take a fistful of her hair in hand. Her own hand shoots instinctively to the blade tucked into a holster at her waist. She presses the glinting point of it against the taut give of his abdomen, and for a moment there is only the sound of their heaving breaths.

Then Cato laughs, and she laughs along, wanting all the while to reach up and claw the smile right off his face.

All in good time.

"It's gonna be a real shame when I have to kill you," he says, smiling like the battle's already been won.

When I kill you, I'm gonna paint the landscape with your blood, is what she thinks.

"Likewise", is what she says.

She smiles her blood red smile, and her caged heart beats fast.

✗✗✗

one. URA FEVER (ERON MEZZA REMIX) ✗ THE KILLS

two. TENDERONI ✗ KELE
every time that we kissed / it seems you were holding back / don't be so quick to pull away / i know you're thinking murder

three. GO (FEAT. KAREN O) ✗ SANTIGOLD
how hard we fall / i'm another instrument to crush you / crush you, crush you!

four. ANIMALE (FEAT. DRAGONETTE) (DATSIK REMIX) ✗ DON DIABLO
stamp your hind legs / get behind me / animale / we're making new friends / we're out in the wild / me and black mamba / and the crocodile / so follow us, but watch your step / tarantulas in leopard print

five. YOUR JOY IS MY LOW ✗ IAMX
he takes your face and positions it to take your mouth / you bite, you bite to excite yourself / he wants the colour of you to wear and feel alive / and you bite

six. YOUR BODY IS A MACHINE (GET PEOPLE REMIX) ✗ THE GOOD NATURED
i feel you beating in my chest / i feel you screaming in my lungs / you are heavy but / your beat's in time / i feel the crimson on my lips / now my stomach's lined with gold

seven. KEEP THE STREETS EMPTY FOR ME (FINE CUT BODIES REMIX) ✗ FEVER RAY
there's no room for innocence / take me home before the storm / velvet mites will keep us warm / ... uncover our heads and reveal our souls / we were hungry before we were born

( .zip )
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mix: behold, your frozen heart (catelyn stark)

chairs — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 05:17:23 GMT

Fandom. A Song of Ice and Fire/Game of Thrones
Subject. Catelyn Stark
Title. Behold, Your Frozen Heart
Notes. Eight tracks (a majority instrumental/lyrically ambiguous) for my first Westerosi ladylove, Catelyn Tully Stark, tracing her post-AGoT (d)evolution into a creature of grief and vengeance. Quotes from the books within, which means SPOILERS. Proceed with caution!

(i) i don't really want to be alone • the declining winter
(instrumental) 'i have lost my ned, the rock my life was built on...'

(ii) summer fog • the album leaf
(instrumental) 'as she slept amidst the rolling grasslands, catelyn dreamt that bran was whole again, that arya and sansa held hands, that rickon was still a babe at her breast. robb, crownless, played with a wooden sword, and when all were safe asleep, she found ned in her bed, smiling.'

(iii) sleeplikewolves • katie jane garside
(lyrics indecipherable) 'i am a creature of grief and dust and bitter longings.'

(iv) frozen heart • emily jane white
walk out into the room / there are ghosts dancing with you / no worry, they know the tune / bright night, no moon / ... take away, oh quietly refrain / no pulse, dying art / behold, your frozen heart

(v) devenons demain ii • les fragments de la nuit
(instrumental)"mercy!" catelyn cried, but horns and drums and the clash of steel smothered her plea.

(vi) like spinning plates (radiohead cover) • bella ruse
while you make pretty speeches, i'm being cut to shreds / you feed me to the lions, a delicate balance / ... and this just feels like spinning plates / our bodies floating down the muddy river

(vii) widow • chelsea wolfe
i saw the widow in the window / ... i saw the bird circling above me

(viii) this is going to hurt • hans zimmer
(instrumental) 'and she rose. may the lord of light protect us. she rose.'

{ .zip }
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mix: tooth & claw (cersei lannister)

chairs — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 05:12:16 GMT

Fandom. A Song of Ice and Fire/Game of Thrones
Subject. Cersei Lannister
Title. Tooth & Claw (EP)
Notes. I've put off posting this for SO long, but no more! Today is the day. Here be, as I earlier described it, my 'Cersei getting angry and making shit happen’ mix. Whereas my selection of songs for her on this mix tended toward the downtempo side of things, the songs here are quite the opposite (with the exception of the Iron & Wine track, perhaps). This is a collection of fightin' songs for a lady who does battle every damn day. It looks a bit short for a finished product, but I think it nonetheless delivers quite a punch. The cover of Placebo's 'Battle for the Sun' is particularly anthemic and awesome, though the intro is a bit long so if you get tired of it go ahead and skip to about 2:45 to get to the vocals. I'm dedicating this to Lo, for obvious reasons, and Aly, who asked so nicely and whose own Cersei mix I adore, as well as Liv, who never fails to bring it in the meta dept. of Cersei Stanning Inc.

o1.
BATTLE FOR THE SUN ( diederik idenburg & ivo witteveen )
i will battle for the sun / and i won't stop until i'm done / you are getting in the way / and i have nothing left to say / i will brush off all the dirt / and i will pretend it didn't hurt / ... dream brother, my killer, my lover

o2.
WOMAN KING ( iron & wine )
hundred years, hundred more / someday we may see / a woman king / sword in hand / swing at some evil and bleed

o3.
RED IN TOOTH AND CLAW ( the ettes )
see what i'll do / oh, anything / just to get to you / ... red in tooth and claw

o4.
ARMY OF ME ( björk )
stand up / you've got to manage / i won't sympathize anymore / and if you complain once more / you'll meet an army of me

o5.
WOMAN SCORNED (DIMBLEBY AND CAPPER REMIX) ( saint saviour )
these are the words of a woman scorned / hell hath no fury and i still feel burned

o6.
RAKE IT IN ( imogen heap )
do you know what my chopping block's for? / do you know what my hanging braid's for? / do you know what my chamber maid's for? / do you know what i, what i have in store for you? / ... dry me out, run me down, burn me up, rake it in

o7.
SEVEN MONTHS ( portishead )
for as long as i have tried / and as low as i can be / i will never resign myself / from the trial i seek / why should i forgive you / after all that i've seen / quietly whisper / when my heart wants to scream

.zip
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mix: crying lightning (azula)

chairs — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 23:08:55 GMT

Fandom. Avatar: The Last Airbender
Subject. Azula
Title. Crying Lightning
Notes. So I finally watched this show. Predictably, Azula was/is/always will beeee my favorite, and after that finale (!!!!! that finale tho what the actual eff tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no aaaaair) I had a lot of feelings to work out, so here, have a mix! (I was too lazy to do individual track uploads this time around, but if there are any specific tracks you want by themselves don't be shy. Ask nicely and you shall receive.)

(001) greed ali helnwein

(002) beguiled splashdown
hear that hissing?
what a soothing sound my tongue makes
as i wait to watch you fall from grace
meanwhile, beguiled, i've wiled you
laughing

(003) eyes on fire (ariel remix) blue foundation
i'm taking it slow
feeding my flame
shuffling the cards of your game

(004) crying lightning arctic monkeys*
your pastimes consisted of the strange
the twisted and deranged
and i hate that little game you call
crying lightning

(005) the prayer bloc party
tonight make me unstoppable
and i will charm, i will slice
i will dazzle, i will outshine you all

(006) stalingrad (original mix) tenkah

*This track looks at Azula through Zuko's eyes, just to...ya know, clarify.
**If you listen to only one track off this mix, LET IT BE THIS ONE. So, so good.

(007) destroy everything you touch (hot chip remix) ladytron
destroy everything you touch today
destroy me this way
anything that may desert you
so it cannot hurt you

(008) whitecap widow segal

**(009) bright mouths electric president
i see you in my head and eye
your eyes are vacant
and your mouth is bright
and all you say are things i don't want to hear
so i smash my hands against my broken ears

(010) take me into your skin trentemøller

(011) beat and the pulse austra
feel it break, feel it break
nothing's lost, keep going

(012) thanatos soap&skin
i fell in your cold fission bomb
i fell in your war
ages of delirium
curse of my oblivion

(013) devil's water (reprise) rennie foster
in the troubled water
i'm gonna drown

.zip

mix: the world will be (y)ours (sansa/petyr)

chairs — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 23:52:28 GMT

Fandom. A Song of Ice and Fire/Game of Thrones
Subject. Sansa Stark/Petyr Baelish
Title. The World Will Be (Y)ours
Warning. Spoilers through A Feast for Crows
Notes. (c&p'd from tumblr) I am well aware of how skeevy people find this ship, but hear me out.

This mix does not try to romanticize this ship; its ultimate focus is on what makes this relationship so icky but also…pretty damn invaluable to Sansa. It's Littlefinger's guidance, after all, that is going to give her the tools to sharpen her claws, and take back what was so unceremoniously taken from her. I think what tickles me most about this dynamic, inappropriate as it is, is that Littlefinger is setting Sansa up to be the sole chink in his otherwise impenetrable armor of wit and political savvy, and I doubt he realizes it. By molding her into the image of the daughter he's deluded himself into thinking Catelyn and he might've had and training her to use "[his] wits and Cat's beauty" to her advantage, he is fashioning her into the one person who can orchestrate his downfall. I've no doubt that one day Sansa will reach the point where she no longer has need of Littlefinger, and in a delicious twist of circumstance, she will ultimately have control over his fate. Whether she chooses to boot him out the Moon Door or surrender him to Lady Stoneheart (provided she ever discovers who Stoneheart is, which, ugh, pretty pleeease) or send him into exile or what have you, it is going to be oh, so sweet. Pretty sure even Littlefinger himself will be grudgingly impressed.

So, that's the theoretical direction this mix follows. It is very much pro-"Sansa The Apprentice coming into her own", and pro-"Littlefinger getting his just desserts", because I wouldn't be satisfied with anything less for my two favorites.

(01) self torture -- andrew bird
(petyr's feelings for cat)
i knew this one girl
drowned in her own curls
candy colored swirls
that never seemed to end

(02) bad ritual -- timber timbre
("only cat.")
i felt your poltergeist presence in the frame of the bed
every creak is a trigger, i will think of you with others
i found depravity convinced me i may no longer care

oh, it’s a bad, bad ritual
oh, but it calms me down

(03) the sultan and the diamond -- javier navarrete
(infatuation theme; "something about the way the small man looked at her made sansa feel as though she had no clothes on.")

(04) hold on -- angus & julia stone
(the little bird in the lion's clutches, longing for escape)
and i'm waiting for the day
inside my mother's clothing store
and i'm waiting for the day
what am i waiting for?

"hold on,"
what did you say that for?

(05) rest my chemistry -- interpol
(petyr's transferred affections)
you're so young
you look in my eyes
you're so young, so sweet, so surprised

(06) aluminum can -- the ditty bops
(flight to the eyrie, becoming alayne)
hiking canyons where people have fallen
these are places where some learn to fly
breaking, escaping molds that are growing
stepping over, cutting off the ties

(07) a room with a view -- ivana xl
(alayne at the eyrie)
you proved them all wrong
a girl can turn into a bird
if she is diving head first
and if she's good
fire into ice

(08) lara's castle -- yann tiersen
(building winterfell from the snow together)

(09) bernadette -- iamx
("the world will be yours, sweetling.")
you and me in a playhouse
living in a vale
we never need to go without
memories bring no joy or peace
we are alone and all we need

(10) little black mess -- shivaree
("you are alayne, and you must be alayne all the time.")
i'll play my part and say never ever again
then cross my heart, cry until you say when
a little cheat while you turn away
things we repeat one more time
day after day

(11) little by little (caribou remix) -- radiohead
(petyr fancies himself a master puppeteer...)
little by little by hook or by crook
i'm such a tease
and you're such a flirt
once you've been around
you've been around enough

(12) prosaic -- elsiane
(...but sansa is quickly coming into her own)
how can i be strong to the illusion
that i need you?

(13) dance without you -- skylar grey
(sansa ascending)
how can i make history with your choreography?
take your hands off me
take your hands off of me
before i suffocate
i wanna dance without you

(14) games for days - julian plenti
(petyr defeated)
babe you've played my heart
but the way that you've played was art
games for days
where did you find them?

oh, this is how we learn
(this is amazing)

{ .zip }
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mix: stiffen the sinews (summon up the blood) (the ladies of asoiaf)

chairs — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 23:45:03 GMT

Fandom. A Song of Ice and Fire/Game of Thrones
Subject. The women (Catelyn, Cersei, Lysa, Daenerys, Arya, Sansa)
Title. Stiffen The Sinews (Summon Up The Blood)
Warning. Spoilers through A Feast for Crows
Notes. Weirdly enough, this all started with Lysa Arryn, the woman 99.999999% of fandom seems to be able to agree upon loathing (I am a secret Lysa stan, but shhh, let me be). I was nearing the end of ASoS when Amanda Palmer and Annie Clark's ridiculously creepy joint rendition (the sobbing in the background you guys, the sobbing in the background) of the Rodgers and Hammerstein classic "What's The Use of Wond'rin'?" came up on shuffle and ding! light bulb moment. The rest is history. I chose to focus primarily on the ladies we have met in the show so far, though it actually encompasses their stories up to and through when we last saw them in the books. So if you haven't read at least up to AFfC, you might want to wait to download this until you have. Also, I realize Asha Greyjoy, Arianne Martell, Melisandre, Margaery Tyrell, Brienne of Tarth, and the Sand Snakes are notably missing here. It would've been a life ruining endeavor (and a disservice to their characters) to tack them onto this, so I'm aiming to make a companion mix for them all at some point. Don't hold your breath, but it'll happen...one day. Maybe.

catelyn stark ℘ winter's wife

(WHITE AS DIAMONDS) ALELA DIANE •
i was sifting through the piles
in my hand a tangled thread
each patient tug upon the snarl
is a glimpse of what has been

burdened bands gain strong hands
gaping holes where diamonds should be
must have been morning that stole them
a glint of white in the pocket of winter

(THE GREATEST) CAT POWER •
melt me down into big black armor
leave no trace of grace just in your honor
lower me down to culprit south
make 'em wash a space in town
for the lead and the dregs of my bed

(ROCKS AND WATER) DEB TALAN •
i will be rocks, i will be water
i will leave this to my daughter:
lift your head up in the wind
when you feel yourself grow colder
wrap the night around your shoulders
and i will be with you even then
even when i cannot see your face anymore

(THE CHILD IS GONE) FIONA APPLE •
darling, give me your absence tonight
take the shade from the canvas and leave me the white
let me sink in the silence that echoes inside
and don't bother leaving the light on
'cause i suddenly feel like a different person
from the roots of my soul come a gentle coercion
and i ran my hand o'er a strange inversion
a vacancy that just did not belong
the child is gone

(THE BEAST) AUSTRA •
(stoneheart)
the morning that i was born again
i was made into a beast
am i free now, am i at peace?

cersei lannister ℘ the lion queen
(implied andhertwinjaime running throughout, because, you know, two bodies, one soul, etc., etc.)

• (SOMETHING TO SAY) MARTINA TOPLEY-BIRD
i saw so much to choose
how unsettled are you
i want a boy i can use
out of solitude

• (BLACK BLACK HEART) DAVID USHER
something ugly this way comes
through my fingers, sliding inside
all these blessings, all these burns
godless underneath your cover
search for pleasure, search for pain
in this world, now i am undying

and from the flame, a nation helpless

• (SERVICE BELL) GRIZZLY BEAR + FEIST
i keep a service bell by my bed for you
let the others do what they do
i will hold on

• (PROBLEM QUEEN) DANGER MOUSE & DANIELE LUPPI
have you seen the problem queen
she's never far away, away from me

and it seems all a dream
some sad luxury of when i escaped
it's just i can't see through this hazy view
and all the doors are locked
we're only alive when we can be

• (ONE LINE) PJ HARVEY
i'm watching from the wall
as in the streets we fight
this world all gone to war
all i need is you tonight

and i draw a line to your heart today
to your heart from mine
a line to keep us safe

• (HARDER THEY FALL) LIONESS
why do all your witnesses keep calling out revenge?
why do you keep looking for him
who'll never hear your side?

lysa arryn ℘ the puppet

(LITTLE HANDS) MOTHER MOTHER •
my baby's gone like a flame
put out by the rain
water down the drain

little face, little feet, little hands in my mind

(WHAT'S THE USE OF WOND'RIN'?) AMANDA PALMER & ANNIE CLARK •
what's the use of wond'rin'
if he's good or if he's bad?
he's your fella, and you love him
that's all there is to that ...
so when he wants your kisses
you'll give them to the lad
and anywhere he leads you
you will walk

(YOU WERE THE DEVIL) NICOLE ATKINS •
lay down your love, he commanded
and with those words i sealed the fate that was mine
dark magic in your eyes
in dangerous ways you came and swayed a change in me

all through these years i have waited
for your nocturnal tongue to tell me i am found
and with a coolness i’m jaded
fall to your knees and dig my heart up from the ground
love waves goodbye empty handed
you were the devil, now i’m turning into you

daenerys targaryen ℘ mother of dragons

• (HORSES IN MY DREAMS) PJ HARVEY
horses in my dreams
like waves, like the sea
they pull out of here
they pull, they are free

rode a horse around the world
along the tracks of a train
broke the record, found the gold
set myself free again

• (PEARL'S DREAM ; STRIPPED DOWN MIX) BAT FOR LASHES
there's a place i must go
it's not a place i have seen
but i'll get there in a new dream ...
and when the battle was done
i was promised my son
but with a thousand nights gone
to any kingdom i run

• (WAYFARING STRANGER ; BURIAL MIX) JAMIE WOON
i know dark clouds will gather around me
i know my way is rough and steep
but beautiful fields lie just beyond me
where souls redeem the vigils keep
i'm going there to see my father
i'm going there no more to roam

• (I'M NOT DONE ; R/D REMIX) FEVER RAY
some do magic
and some do harm
i'm holding on, holding on
i'm holding on to a straw

one thing i know for certain
oh, i'm pretty sure
it ain't over
i'm not done

arya stark ℘ death's apprentice

(GYPSY EYES) ALELA DIANE •
'cause i was a child with fists of fury
i was a child with fists of fury
and i didn't love my god bless
and i didn't need my full skirt

(TURN THE DIRT OVER) SEA WOLF •
you left your brother in a northern town
took the ferry o'er the water on the bay
his body covered by the colors going down
a statue in the square before the wind could change

oh, turn the dirt over
if you want to grow back

(PRETEND TO FORGET) MESSAGE TO BEARS •

(MOTHERLESS CHILD) PETER, PAUL & MARY •
sometimes i feel like i'm almost gone
sometimes i feel like i'm almost gone
sometimes i feel like i'm almost gone
a long way from home, a long way from home

(SALT) MUGISON •
my name is salt
i'm the reason there is salt in the sea
i'm the reason there is salt in your tears
that's how i come back, like boiling water
everything will evaporate, dissolve and disappear
i'll be there as a taste on your cheek
so you can remember those that are gone

sansa stark ℘ the lost stark

• (THE SPINE SONG) CAKE BAKE BETTY
on your birthday, you woke up
the snow was on the ground
you opened books and peeked inside
they kissed you on your crown
with pins in your fingers
you held yourself up high
the picture peeled the person
they let themselves divide

you arrive, at the place
it is not what you want
but it is what you chase ...
but your birthday, inflated
the bones with which you creak
they stole your shoes and then brought you to
the caverns of their teeth
you pleaded, oh kind sir
please let me say goodbye
your soul ripped from your stomach
you gave an awful cry, a cry

• (GENIUS AND THE THIEVES) ELUVIUM

• (CRUCIFY) TORI AMOS
every finger in the room is pointing at me
i wanna spit in their faces
then i get afraid what that could bring
i got a bowling ball in my stomach
i got a desert in my mouth
figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

• (SHOWSTOPPER) SARAH BLASKO
find me, oh find me
when this birthright was blackened
when lightning struck
and the storm clouds came over
the cracks were appearing
before things turned ...
still so unsure why this path was chosen
it's harder and further
than first calculations
when you know it's not over yet

• (ALL THIS USELESS BEAUTY) LUSH
it's at times such as this she'd be tempted to spit
if she wasn't so ladylike
she imagines how she might have lived
back when legends and history collide
so she looks to her prince finding
he's so charmingly slumped at her side

what shall we do
what shall we do with
all this useless beauty?

.zip files:
part 1 (catelyn, cersei, lysa) | part 2 (dany, arya, sansa)
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mix: in your heart of chambers (doctor/river)

chairs — Wed, 04 May 2011 00:29:38 GMT

Fandom. Doctor Who
Subject. The Doctor/River Song
Title. In Your Heart of Chambers
Notes. Because these two are ruining my life and it's almost too much to bear. This is mostly from River's POV, but certain tracks have a broader focus and touch upon some of the Doctor's possible feelings, although really, it's a bit of a shot in the dark trying to make sense of those at this point in the development of their relationship. I also tried to make this somewhat chronologically compliant with River's timeline, but then again, what even is chronological when it comes to these two? Forever mindfucked, I swear.

(01) FIRST RENDEZ-VOUS • yann tiersen

(02) HEART OF CHAMBERS • beach house in your heart of chambers where you sit / with your picture books and your ancient wit / in that nook i found you, so old and tired / would you be the one to carry me? / i'd like to be someone you could finally learn to love again

(03) AS THE MOON SPINS AROUND • manual

(04) FOREVER GROWING CENTIPEDES (LA DOLCE VITA REMIX) • the faint we'll stretch out so long, and hope we don't sever / forever growing centipedes / forever growing centipedes, you and i / forever growing centipedes, through time

(05) BACK IN TIME • au revoir simone do you think (when you know you know it) / if we could go back in time (when you know you know it) / do you think (listen now, listen now) / that i liked you there (i will look for you there) ... there are times that i felt that this was right

(06) PUBLIC PERVERT (CARLOS D REMIX) • interpol if time is a vessel, then learning to love might be my way back to sea / the flying, the metal, the turning above / these are just ways to be seen / there is love to be made, so just stay here for this while / perhaps heartstrings resuscitate the fading sounds of your life

(07) I FOUND YOU • oh land when i'm still here / when you still care / words are too far from my lips / ... you found me / but then you disappeared

(08) YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE • röyksopp we're meant to be one, i know we are / if i am the sky, then you are my star / ...didn't mean to make you panic, didn't mean to put you off / baby, it's the way that you've got me / i listen to my heart and it takes you high / and you ask me how, can i show you how?

(10) WHO YOU WERE • jamin winans

(11) JÓGA • björk all these accidents that happen, follow the dot / coincidence makes sense only with you / you don't have to speak, i feel / emotional landscapes, they puzzle me / then the riddle gets solved / and you push me up to this state of emergency

(12) THE CLOCK • thom yorke time is running out for us / but you just move the hands upon the clock / you throw coins in the wishing well, for us / you just move your hands upon the wall

(13) IF I LOST YOU (ORCHESTRAL MIX) • shiny toy guns and i don't know what i'd do if i lost you / i wonder what i'd do if i lost you

(14) FINAL ESCAPE • elsiane you always want me to be a part of you / you always taught me to be alive with you / this is the time and the place and the moment / feeling the way that i do / these are the signs and the traces of growing by living the way that i do / i hope you understand and acknowledge all that's passing through

( .zip )
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mix: the perfect fit (mini mcguinness)

chairs — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 20:35:30 GMT

Medium. Television
Fandom. Skins
Subject. Mini McGuinness
Title. The Perfect Fit
Notes. So, this happened quickly, mostly because I enjoyed last night's episode more than I thought I would. Mini's character is still pretty much one big cliche, but what makes her really interesting to me is how she interacts with other people, especially Liv, Grace and Franky. I've found that it's really easy to ship Mini with everyone because there really is so much love in her (as Liv said, "that's just Mini, she's full on, all the time"), but she's terrified. She doesn't love herself enough to trust that others love her enough, so she jumps the gun on everything, tries to be the person who cuts you down first so you don't get the chance to do it to her. It's not that I love Mini McGuinness quite yet, but I do enjoy the way she plays off everyone, and Freya is really quite adept at letting Mini's core vulnerability shine through. Anyway, if you listen to any track off this, make it "I Hate The Way". It is so perfect I don't know what to do with myself. Just look at those lyrics. And YES, I used a Ke$ha track. Don't like it? Don't listen. The song fits so sue me.

(01) ❥ THE PERFECT FIT | THE DRESDEN DOLLS
i could make a dress
a robe fit for a prince
i could clothe a continent
but i can't sew a stitch

i can paint my face
and stand very very still
it's not very practical
but it still pays the bills

(02) ❥ LOVE CONNECTION | CASIOTONE FOR THE PAINFULLY ALONE
so take my lip between your teeth,
and taste me by devouring
and i'll start watching my weight again
oh, oh, oh, oh

some things are best left unsaid

(03) ❥ HOW NAKED ARE WE GONNA GET? | THE BLOW
how naked, oh how naked?
how naked are we going to get?

when they ask you how you want it,
will your clear heart bear down upon it?
will they notice the scars that run up your side
will they care about the wars that you fought in the night?
will there be room in their bed
for how terribly white you become
when you finally arrive?

(04) ❥ LOSING SLEEP | CHARLOTTE SOMETIMES
be the star you know you are
don't you, don't you dare fail
you can own that balance beam
two steps forward towards make believe

(05) ❥ THE GIRL AND THE ROBOT | RÖYKSOPP
when you're gone and rain starts falling
i just sit here by the phone
don't deny me, call me back
i'm so alone

(06) ❥ SHAMPAIN (PICTUREPLANE'S DEEP DOLPHIN REMIX) | MARINA & THE DIAMONDS
laid out dead
inside a lonely bed
trying to hide the hole inside my head

(07) ❥ FUCK YOU BITCH (FACTEUR REMIX) | LES MECHES ANGLAISES

(08) ❥ FRIDAY NIGHT BITCH FIGHT | KE$HA
(hush, it is perfect and i do what i want)
rolled up last friday night
the party looked alright
just as i stepped on in
i saw you look at him
oh hell no 'scuse me, what?

you can go to hell, girl
you better watch yourself
i'm feeling feisty, alright
friday night bitch fight

(09) ❥ I JUST LOVE YOU MORE | KATE NASH
i just love you more
i just love you more than anything
i just love you more
i just love you more
you know i just love you more than anything

i love him, i love him, i love him, i love him, MORE, MORE!

(10) ❥ CRASH AND BURN GIRL (JESPER DAHLBACK REMIX) | ROBYN
crash and burn girl
going down down down down down
crash and burn girl
you don't mind the fall
until your face hits the ground

(11) ❥ SCARS (FEAT. KELIS, MELKA & CHIPMUNK) | BASEMENT JAXX
coming loose at the seams
blind spots, voices
control's gone like a balloon
cut it out, emotion

distance, it grows now
you don't reach for me
all i got, all i got
is my scars

(12) ❥ EAT FLESH (CRYSTAL CASTLES REMIX) | HEALTH

(13) ❥ POSTPONE THE BAD | OH LAND
i'll leave all emotions inside
find strange places for tears to hide;
and after all there's just one thing
there's a song i gotta sing
from the corporeal aspect of my heart:
my thoughts are tearing me apart, tearing me apart

(14) ❥ I HATE THE WAY | POLLY SCATTERGOOD
i hate the way i tremble when you touch me
you're like a needle slowly piercing my skin
i hate the my way stomach aches,
and i really hate these loveless mistakes
cos' i'm screaming for my rock who never picks up
why do you never pick up?

(maybe if i skip my dinner
make myself pretty and thinner
maybe then he'll love me and stop looking at the other girls
so you said i'm paranoid. i'm paranoid?
well, i nearly choked, and no more of that crap
you cannot break someone who's just been broken
you can't break somebody who's just been broken

so take me now i'm naked.
as you watch, i'll let you take it.
maybe then you'll love me and stop looking at the other girls
so you said i'm paranoid. well, paranoid?
well, i nearly choked, and no more of that crap
you cannot break someone who's just been broken
you can't break somebody who's just been broken)

(15) ❥ FRAGILE | GOD IS AN ASTRONAUT

.ZIP
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mix: open up your skull (i'll be there) (bellatrix/voldemort)

chairs — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 06:22:18 GMT

Medium. Book/Film
Fandom. Harry Potter
Subject. Bellatrix Lestrange/Lord Voldemort
Title. Open Up Your Skull (I'll Be There)
Notes. The other night (or morning, rather, as I marathoned Miranda at 6AM having not even been to bed yet) it occurred to me that I had never fanmixed my tied-for-first HP OTP (the other being Lucius/Narcissa, which has proved impossible to mix despite all my efforts). So I quickly sought to remedy that. Let me just say that this mix turned out way sexier than I intended it to ("Slippage" is basically an orgasm in song, and three guesses what "Long Snake~~ Moan" is about), but whateva whateva I do what I want. Also, most of these tracks are heavy on synths and guitars so the last two classical tracks may look and sound a bit tacked on, but I found I just couldn't leave them off. My goal, as always, was to capture the subject at hand not only with words but with instrumentals that create a certain atmosphere, hence some creepy, discordant piano playing felt necessary. This is, after all, a mix dedicated to an obsessive love between master and servant. For these two, the darkest of curses serve as caresses. Their relationship is nothing if not discordant and creepy. POV is denoted unless the song applies to the pair rather than the individual.

(01) ... climbing up the walls ; radiohead
and either way you turn, i'll be there
open up your skull, i'll be there
climbing up the walls

(02) ... tender talons ; ladytron

(03) ... who is she? | i monster (voldemort)
i call her name
across an endless plain
she'll answer me
wherever she may be

(04) ... dangerous animals ; arctic monkeys (bellatrix)
sharpen the heel of your boot
and you press it in my chest
and you make me weeze
and to my knees you do promote me

i'm pinned down by the dark
A-N-I-M-A-L
makes my head pirouette
more than i will be willing to confess
D-A-N-G-E-R-O-U-S

(05) ... all fired up ; interpol (voldemort)
i teach you of death's desires reflected in lakes
as i lead you in a fearful file to a precipice of fate
... i'll take you on
when your, your will is gone
i'll take you on, i'll take you on

(06) ... i wanna be your dog ; emilie simon (bellatrix)
and now i'm ready to close my eyes
and now i'm ready to close my mind
and now i'm ready to feel your hand
and lose my heart on the burning sand
and now i wanna be your dog

(07) ... long snake moan ; pj harvey
dunk you under deep salt water
bring me, lover, all your power

i'll be no hell, out of your spell
over, under, die of pleasure

(08) ... slippage ; goldfrapp

(09) ... stranger than kindness ; fever ray
you caress yourself
and grind my soft cold bones below
your map of desire
burned in your flesh
even a fool can come
a strange lit stair
and find a rope hanging there
stranger than kindness
... the gaunt fruit of passion
dies in the light
stranger than kindness

(10) ... this hollow world ; johnny hollow (bellatrix)
i'm worried my wires are crossed again
so worried i've lost my connection
a desperate need for more distraction
won't you take me back to oblivion?

this hollow world is holding onto me
my soul my mind is held magnetically
electric friction washes over me
it feels so creepy, it feels so creepy

(11) ... the color of the fire ; boards of canada (bellatrix)
(creepy humming)
i...love...you... no...you!
i...love...you! i love you!

(12) ... you are the blood ; sufjan stevens
you are electricity and you're light
you are sound itself and you are flight

you are the blood flowing through my fingers
all through the soil and up in those trees
you are electricity and you're light
you are sound itself and you are flight
you are the blood flowing through my fingers
all through the soil and up in those trees
you are the bood flowing through my fingers

(13) ... vers la flamme, op. 72 ; vladimir horowitz

(14) ... sequenz 6. lacrimosa ; wolfgang amadeus mozart

ℵ.zip ℵ
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mix: what a wicked game to play (black swan)

chairs — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 05:05:02 GMT

Medium. Film
Fandom. Black Swan
Subject. General; multi-ship (Nina/Thomas, Nina/Lily, Beth/Thomas)
Title. What A Wicked Game To Play
Notes. Okay, I don't even know what this is. It started out as a general mix. Then I started to focus more on the relationship between Nina and Thomas because they are angsty and doomed from the start which is just my kind of ship, but I found I couldn't steer myself entirely away from the characters of Lily and Beth and their respective relationships with the aforementioned. The character of Beth actually really left a lasting impression on me, despite her status as a fairly minor character in the grand scheme of things. She gets totally screwed, which is probably not an uncommon occurrence for an aging~ woman in dance, but is nevertheless really tragic. During the party scene, when Thomas calls her his "little princess" once and then again, both times it has an obvious effect on her, and ugh, I could cry tears of blood for her. Then Lily predicts Thomas will soon be calling Nina the same, and when he finally does? Actual chills. And then there's Lily, who, as the essential catalyst for Nina's derailment, I obviously couldn't ignore in the process of making this. Basically, the goal of this is capture all the desires, insecurities and jealousies that make this love rhombus~ as deliciously fraught with tension as it is.

(01) ℵ LUSTFUL THOUGHTS | javier navarrete (general)

(02) ℵ BLACK BUTTERFLY | laura veirs (nina)
black butterfly, flutter me by
kick a little glitter into the night
spark up the stars, leave alone my heart
i'm trying to be good by you alright, alright

(03) ℵ MY INVITATION | sarah slean (nina → thomas)
damn the angry voice that keeps us quiet
the editor whose work is never done
keeping pretty words between my teeth and
sweet confessions underneath my tongue

drowsy contemplation
do i let you in?
well this is my invitation
but how do i begin?

(04) ℵ PIANO SONATA NO.5 - "THE POEM OF ECSTASY" | alexander scriabin (nina/thomas)

(05) ℵ JAMELIA | caribou (thomas → beth)
you got to make the change
i can't take you no more
these things you know
do go, oh, ohh

oh, jamelia
you got to to go away

(06) ℵ HOW INSENSITIVE | liz story (beth → thomas)

(07) ℵ NOT FAIR | kate havnevik (beth)
he got away with emotional murder
he slipped away with the summer breeze

it's not fair
to call it a day
it's not fair
to just walk away

(08) ℵ ONLY WHEN I LOSE MYSELF | depeche mode (nina → lily, thomas)
it's only when i lose myself in someone else
that i find myself, i find myself

something beautiful is happening inside for me
something sensual, it's full of fire and mystery
i feel hypnotized, i feel paralyzed
i have found heaven

(09) ℵ PUSH IT (BOOM BOOM SATELLITES REMIX) | garbage (nina/lily)
don't worry baby
don't be uptight
don't worry baby
we'll stay up all night

this is the noise that keeps me awake
my head explodes and my body aches

(10) ℵ THE TWIST | metric (nina/lily)
we were too wasted to close the window
friends and family looking in to my only hiding place
the rhythm of a stranger's skin

infidel to die for
what i am doing will happen in the morning
when the mirror won't recognize me?

(11) ℵ BACHELORETTE | björk (nina, beth → thomas)
i'm a path of cinders
burning under your feet
you're the one who walks me
i'm your one way street

i'm a whisper in water
a secret for you to hear
you are the one who grows distant
when i beckon you near

(12) ℵBLACK ACRES | elysian fields (nina → thomas)
touch me now
touch me
the black acres are claiming me
they're claiming me

(13) ℵ PRETTY HEAD | emily haines (nina)
i don't want to see that girl
always got something going wrong inside her pretty head
i don't want to be that girl

too late today for an open moment
a stray temptation's all in her touch
and on the way, not a word was spoken
there's not much to say
already gave some
already gave too much

(14) ℵ MEND (TO FIX, TO REPAIR) | elsiane (nina → thomas)
feeling you all inside of me
i'm standing here but i'm really gone
you see me as i go
you've been precious to me
i've been blessed in the way
but now i'm falling, i'm inside

(15) ℵ ELEGIE, OP. 24 | mischa maisky, orchestre de paris & semyon bychkov (general)

(16) ℵ DARKFALL | god is an astronaut (epilogue)

bonus track:
ℵ DON'T THINK | the chemical brothers (as heard in the club scene)

ℵ .zip
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mix: in for the kill (sirius & bellatrix)

chairs — Mon, 08 Nov 2010 02:46:59 GMT

Medium. Book/Film
Fandom. Harry Potter
Subject. Sirius Black & Bellatrix (Black) Lestrange
Title. In For The Kill
Notes. This whole thing is the product of my pre-DH fever and some random futzing around in Photoshop after a long hiatus. I managed to come up with something halfway decent, happened to be listening to some fitting songs at the time, et voilà. There are implications of, you know, carnal relations behind this, but I suppose you could just pretend it focuses solely on non-sexual rivalry if that's what suits your sensibilities. Whatever the implications, these two and their ridiculously fucked up dynamic are endlessly fascinating to me, hence my fanmixing them yet again.

(01) ... Pure | Siouxsie and the Banshees

(02) ... Runs In the Family | Amanda Palmer
we tend to bruise easily, mad in the blood
... i cannot, i cannot, i cannot run from my family.

(03) ... Venus In Furs | The Velvet Underground
shiny, shiny, shiny boots of leather
whiplash girl-child in the dark
comes in bells, your servant, don't forsake him
strike, dear mistress, and cure his heart
downy sins of streetlight fancies

(04) ... Two Left Feet | Anya Marina
the more i love you the more you stray
the more i hate you the more you comfort me
dance like this, dance like that
oh love me, love me, love me like a baseball bat

(05) ... Hate | Cat Power
half of it is innocent
the other half is wise
the whole damn thing makes no sense
i wish i could tell you a lie
hey, come here
let me whisper in your ear
i hate myself and i want to die

(06) ... Bloodsport | Sneaker Pimps
my mother, my mother, my mother never told
my mother, my mother, my mother never told me
love is just a blood sport, love is just a blood sport
'cause love is just a blood sport, love is just a blood sport
sex and love is not a game
a game is something you can win

(07) ... I Love To Hurt (You Love to Be Hurt) | Primal Scream
i love to hurt, you love to be hurt
ain't no glory, glory of love

(08) ... Black Swan | Thom Yorke
and it's fucked up, fucked up
and this is fucked up, fucked up
this your blind spot, blind spot
it should be obvious, but it's not
but it isn't, but it isn't

(09) ... Available | The National
did you dress me down and liquor me up
to make me last for the minute when the red comes over you
like it does when you're filled with love
or whatever you call it
... do you still feel clean
when the only dirt is the dirt i left
how can you blame yourself
when i did everything i wanted to

(10) ... Blood | Editors
blood runs through your veins
that's where our similarity ends
blood runs through our veins

(11) ... Vow | Garbage
i came to cut you up
i came to knock you down
i came around to tear your little world apart
i came to shut you up
i came to drag you down
i came around to tear your little world apart
and break your soul apart

(12) ... I Put A Spell On You | The Kills
i don't care if you don't want me
i'm yours, right now
i put a spell on you
because you're mine

(13) ... Die By The Drop | The Dead Weather
i'm gonna take you for worse or better
i'm gonna make you for worse or better
i'm gonna take you for worse or better
to my little grave

(14) ... You And Whose Army? | Radiohead
come on, come on
you think you drive me crazy, well
come on, come on
you and whose army?
you and your cronies

(15) ... Say Goodnight | Skeleton Key
say goodnight
though you don't recognize my face
there was a time
when you went limp in my embrace for a while
we thought those days would never end
oh child, i was once your mother's friend

ℵ .zip
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comments are lovely and most appreciated!

fic: don't make me beg (di/fiamma, pg-13)

chairs — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 09:17:23 GMT

title. Don't Make Me Beg
fandom. Cracks
ship. Di/Fiamma
rating. PG-13
word count. 1,618
warnings. Spoilers
notes. I cannot get Cracks off the brain, so here's another fic. Dedicated to luststories, 4twenty7 and diana_hawthorne, who continue to inspire me. Also for marycontraire, a fellow Di/Fiamma shipper. I may have fucked with canon a little (as in, technically, Poppy and several others are awake before midnight the night of their little partay~), but just forget it and have a good time, OK? I also couldn't figure out/remember exactly what kind of aristocrat Fiamma was, so I just said princess. Deaaaal.
summary. Di and she, they were never really friends; or, not at first. Fiamma supposes this is a good thing, for she is ebony and ash and lost to the world, and because between the two of them, there is a good deal of begging to be done.

You can't make friends beg.

Miss G will say this to her, and Fiamma will only half hear it, the words filtered heavily through the haze of her own ecstasy (they finally like me they finally like me SHE finally likes me) and the alcohol that clouds her mind as it thuds dully, poisonously, through her veins.

You can't make friends beg.

Di and she, they were never really friends; or, not at first. Fiamma supposes this is a good thing, for she is ebony and ash and lost to the world, and because between the two of them, there is a good deal of begging to be done.

~

Di was the favorite first. This is a simple, juvenile truth. While Miss G orchestrates, inquires and inspires, Di watches, hears her every word, knows the passion in her teacher's every movement and keeps it all stamped in her own memory as if sown into fabric.

There are books and boat rides and Miss G presses kisses into Di's skin like secrets. Don't breathe a word, she says in urgency. Di feels the wooden edge of a boat cut into the small of her back and her heart skips 7-8-9 in time to the strokes of Miss G's fingers.

Di imagines they (they, she thrills to think) are the most glorious secret this school has never known.

Miss G habitually makes the team wait when Di is late for practice. Di, the favorite for all time (or so she thinks), strolls lazily while five girls shiver from anticipation and the cold. When she arrives, and when no one is looking, Miss G places a subtle hand on the small of her back where bruises had bloomed the afternoon prior.

Then, Fiamma comes. Miss G waits for her on that day, sits, rubs a thumbnail against her forefinger and watches while a princess cuts through the air like a glinting knife, like whispers along wind. Fiamma dives, and so plummets Di's heart.

~

Fiamma is courage and wealth and beauty, but she is alone even in a room full of people. There is grief in her every movement, loss and loneliness written in every plane and angle of her face and carried on her back like the heaviest of personal burdens.

Di longs to break her, to thread her fingers through the silken locks of the pretty, pretty (too pretty) princess and pull until her scalp bleeds.

Spain's aristocracy doesn't want her, and neither does the team, but Miss G, enigmatic and unconventional and unknowable, clicks commandingly along the hallways in patent leather pumps and wants her desperately.

~

Di finds Fiamma by the water.

(It is fitting, Fiamma later thinks, because water is ever-significant in their lives, in every lesson with Miss G, in every tear spilt from longing and homesickness. Water pulls them irresistibly toward it, beckoning, spilling forth from their fragile bodies against their wills. They are meant to dive through it with grace and agility, unflinching, but they each sink in it; slowly, slowly, buoyant only with the desire to see the warm pride in Miss G's eyes when they resurface.

Only Fiamma herself seeks no approval.)

Di finds her by the water and they are only meant to quip, to exchange a few harsh words as is customary of schoolgirl foes; instead, Di sits, pebbles cutting into her palms as she lowers herself beside Fiamma. The gesture in and of itself is a peace offering, perhaps.

Many minutes pass, silent but for the rhythmic, lapping pattern of waves on shore before Di opens her mouth to speak, and it is only then that she notices the still-drying tears on Fiamma's cheeks.

"You're lonely," she states, a realization. She speaks only to the grey stretches of water before her, never affording Fiamma the decency of eye contact.

"Very."

"We all are, you know. You aren't special."

Fiamma smiles in spite of herself.

"You mean I am not alone."

There are fresh tears gathering in the corners of their mouths when, inexplicably, they kiss. The tears are Fiamma's, of course, and so salty to taste that secretly, it makes Di rage, because Fiamma somehow manages to ruin everything for her, even a kiss the bloody aristocrat herself had initiated in the first place.

Di presses her fingers and her anger unrelentingly into the warm, private skin between Fiamma's thighs to prove her point. She pretends the princess is Miss G, Poppy, anyone but this girl who ruined everything, everything.

~

"Why don't you like me?"

They are the only two in the dormitory when Fiamma asks this. She sits on the very edge of Di's bed, tentatively, unsure of just how welcome she is to do so. Di, reclining, stares only at the ceiling, lips pressed tightly together until she thinks of a response.

"Because you're a bloody cow, that's why. You've spoilt everything."

"You love her, don't you?" Fiamma inquires, bravely. There is no need for clarification of which her she speaks.

"Everything," Di insists, flinching.

"Even this?"

This is a kiss, delicate and aching and full of apology meant for someone else. This is begging.

~

Miss G longs to have Fiamma, to claim her.

(Miss G will have her, will claim her in the light of the hearth and, finally, on the woodland floor, but that, that is still to come).

Di longs to have Miss G, to press unabashedly adoring kisses along her teacher's spine, to kiss the lips from which all the inspiration for all Di's dreams of travel and adventure have poured.

(Di will never have her, never press her lips to forbidden skin, but that, too, is yet to be discovered.)

~

A pair of postcards, unknowingly taken, are kept and Miss G momentarily forgets her post, her duty to her girls.

When she is alone, she memorizes the slanted scripture of someone unfamiliar with the complexities of the English language and inhales deeply.

~

Miss G pushes her to the limit, for sport, perhaps. As a challenge.

Fiamma spends longer than she should below the surface, struggling, aching, lungs filling with fresh lake water until, miraculously, she finds herself surfacing, gasping for glorious air and thinking of Di, and of the boy she left behind.

She can no longer tell which is foremost in her thoughts.

~

A perfume bottle, willingly given, is kept and Di momentarily forgets the cause of her hatred.

When she is alone, she sprays a little of the bottle's contents onto her wrist and inhales deeply.

~

No promises, Fiamma says: a promise.

"No promises," Di mimics when she forces Fiamma against a redwood. She shrinks away from Di's touch at first, makes it her friend's turn to beg now.

It is summer and unbearably hot. Sweat slides and drips, collecting in the hollows of their collarbones. They are shameless, driven near-mad with heat and that's what they will tell themselves when they lie, too hot for covers, in their beds later that night.

~

The night of their extravagantly-planned feast, while the other girls toss fitfully in their beds, dreaming shallowly on expectations and things that have yet to happen, Di rises from her bed, sleepless and excited. Fiamma lies awake, also excited, also sleepless.

Di pads silently over floorboards to the end of Fiamma's bed. She brings a stolen bottle of whisky, one of the many she'd procured for the hour ahead.

"Everything is going to change now, you'll see." Di whispers this against the skin of Fiamma's stomach, having crawled from the edge of the bed to hover over its middle. There is promise in the joining of their lips, promise in their fingers as they work, Di's more experienced than the last time, Fiamma's more reciprocating. The bottle of whisky lies momentarily forgotten beside them.

"No promises," Fiamma reminds, and Di nods, thinking of Miss G. She digs, presses, grants, and again, Fiamma feels like she might drown.

There are never more words of love uttered between them than those silently pressed into skin so easily bruised.

~

They take sips before anyone else, and also after. Fiamma drowns, finally, effortlessly, so intoxicated she turns and feels only Di's fingers on her waist when the girls decide to spin her round and round and round. She barely hears the bottle shatter when it falls (which bottle, the whisky or the wine, white or red, she cannot comprehend), the thud of her own body to the floor and the sensation of impact following, delayed.

There are arms about her waist but they are unfamiliar, as are the smoky fumes of tobacco that accompany them.

~

"You can't make friends beg."

Fiamma feels unusual hands press a cool towel to her brow, deft fingers tugging at the ties of her camisole. Whisky and wine have conspired to leaden her bones so that she cannot move or protest, can only lie there, almost asleep, clinging feebly to the remembrance of the hours previously untainted by alcohol's influence.

Everything is going to change now. Di had said so.

~

Di had lied.

It is Di's hand that deals the final blow, and she does so thinking only of Miss G, of hopeless fingers curling into the fabric of her uniform, begging without explicitly asking.

Di's hand deals the final blow and in the end, it is Fiamma's turn to beg.

Had Fiamma the breath left, she'd be clever, turn Miss G's words back on her. YOU CAN'T MAKE FRIENDS BEG YOU CAN'T MAKE FRIENDS BEG YOU CAN'T MAKE FRIENDS BEG she repeats over and over in her head as she manages a please aloud. Oxygen escapes as readily as she wills herself to speak. There is no time.

She thinks of Di and she begs.

fic: "i love you" never felt like any blessing (di/poppy, pg-13)

chairs — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 06:03:13 GMT

title. "I Love You" Never Felt Like Any Blessing
fandom. Cracks
ship. Di/Poppy
rating. PG-13/Light R
word count. 1,928
warnings. Spoilers, I suppose, but this is a future!fic, so they're vague. Also, femslash, but uh, hi, welcome to my journal.
notes. WOW I ACTUALLY WROTE FIC WHAT IS THIS. I legitimately just watched this film today and after flailing intensely with luststories, who I am dedicating this fic to because she is mah bb and always gives me the best recs for everything, this just materialized. For those of you reading this who haven't seen Cracks (except, wait, why haven't you?), you don't have to worry about finding spoilers in here. Like I said, this is a future!fic, so the only thing you have to worry about is maybe not understanding the significance of several briefly mentioned characters. You can pretend this is just original fic, but then go watch the film. Seriously, go. I WON'T TELL YOU THRICE. And for those of you who have seen it, come on, there was totally a lil' sumsum going on with Di and Poppy, mostly one-sided, but this explores what could have happened to them after the film's conclusion. ENJOY? And again, Britt, you are AMAZING and ilu and I still expect fic from you, too, mmkay? ♥ (Fic title is a line from Florence & The Machine's wondrous new song, "Heavy In Your Arms", btw.)
summary. There is a war and Poppy endures it comfortably enough. There is a war and a holocaust, victory (for some) and détente after that, and only when all of it is over does Di come back for her.

There is a war and Poppy endures it comfortably enough. There is a war and a holocaust, victory (for some) and détente after that, and only when all of it is over does Di come back for her.

Well, not for her. All these years, though, and she's been waiting, patiently, impatiently; in angst, in forcefully assumed forgetfulness. She waits twelve years until a postcard comes, bearing an illustration of some imposing foreign structure on its front ("the Taj Mahal, darling," Poppy's mother instructs over her shoulder between scoldings for her only daughter's continued lack of husband). On the back, there is a note, scrawled in hurried and distantly familiar penmanship.

Tea at Cafe Tivoli Friday next? 4 PM.

D.

P.S. Don't be late, you silly cow.
P.P.S. Miss you.

~

London clouds rain. Cafe Tivoli bustles. Poppy frets, waits, counts the pleats in her skirt four times over. Bells chime in announcement of someone's arrival and in walks Di, shrewd blue eyes scanning the room until they settle on Poppy's flushed face.

In that moment, so strange and dire it's nearly cinematic, time seems to still. The indistinct hum of chatter dies ever so slightly and it is just two girls - no, they are women now, older and broader about the hips than when they last spoke - locking gazes with hearts fluttering mutinously in their chests.

Di is the one who shatters it, lets the moment fall as the din resumes, crunches it dead beneath her slingbacks as she moves briskly forward in that decisive manner of action she always had possessed.

"Poppy," she chirps in brisk greeting as she slides into the seat opposite.

"You're late," Poppy snaps back, a bit more heatedly than she'd intended. "I suppose that makes you the silly cow."

"Tosh. You're early. Flag down that pimply little waiter, will you? I'm famished."

After three raspberry tarts (shared), two cappuccinos (each), several awkward personal inquiries - ("Married?" Poppy asks. Di's eyes sparkle. "Never. You?" Poppy laughs. "I'd sooner die than be made an honest woman.") - and a lengthy diatribe about the humidity in India and the dreadful things it does to Di's hair, Poppy asks the question she knows she shouldn't.

"Why did you leave without me?"

Di's hands tremble, her eyes downcast and seeking forgiveness in the bottom of the empty cup on the table.

"Would you have come if I'd asked you to?"

"I would've gone anywhere with you, Di."

Di looks up. Poppy smiles timidly. They both reach for the check.

~

They walk the cobbled street to Di's new apartment because it's closer than Poppy's, and because Poppy asks to see it - begs, really, with a pouting lip and a playful tug on her old friend's gloved hand. It's unfurnished, full from wall to wall with suitcases and photographs coated in dust and fingerprints. Clothes are lain out over every surface - sundresses and headscarves, sandals and tweed jackets and lacy knickers that Poppy blushes to see. Di clears a spot for them both on a large trunk, settles onto it and pats the spot next to her.

They spend a good minute or two staring at their feet, chewing on bottom lips and starting sentences they can't seem to find ends to. Finally, Di springs up, plunges a hand into a black leather traveling case and fishes out a bottle of wine. She wiggles her shoulders and raises an eyebrow.

"Shall we be very naughty? Like old times?"

Four sips turn into ten and twenty and soon the bottle's empty and stories and reminiscences come like tidal waves. They talk over one another in their eagerness to recount the tricks they'd played on stuffy old Miss Nieven, and the time they'd stolen a whole tin of tarts with dear old Fuzzy and gotten away with it. They talk so fervently Poppy barely notices when Di's calf brushes casually against hers and rests there.

Poppy starts before she can stop, heady with nostalgic glee. "There was that one time with Miss -"

The wine bottle falls to the floor with a resounding thud. Di's eyes instantly go wide, shining wet with remembrance.

"Oh bloody - I - Di, I'm sorry - can we -"

Di's lunging kiss comes as a surprise, jarring at first, quite like popping a berry into your mouth to find its juice sour when it should have been sweet. She kisses fiercely, mercilessly, threading her fingers between Poppy's and pulling her closer.

Again, Poppy asks the question she knows she shouldn't.

"Even after all this time?" A warm hand slides under Poppy's skirt. She inhales sharply as Di breathes wine and desperation against her neck, all traces of reminiscent glee gone from her voice when she replies, simply: "Yes."

~

They fall asleep on a make-shift bed of their own clothes. Together.

Poppy wakes cold, naked, to white sunlight filtering through the blinds. Alone.

She knows she should've asked more questions, better questions.

~

Another postcard comes, this time slipped under the front door. There's no postmark, no address. The front is a picture of Buckingham Palace, the back an apology and a request to meet at the little park down the road from their first meeting place.

~

"You're horrid, and you've always been horrid, and I don't even know why I came here today."

They sit side by side on a park bench. Poppy keeps her gaze fixed straight ahead, defiant. Di uses her nail to chip away at the bench's peeling green paint job.

"Because you love me, have always loved me, and would like very much to accompany me to the Warners' annual yuletide yawn-fest so I don't have to endure the horror of facing my very grumpy parents all alone." She says this all in one breath, like she'd practiced and memorized it in front of the mirror a dozen or so times before coming here and when Poppy hears the smile in Di's voice she can't help but smile herself.

"Give me one reason why I should."

Di kisses her, and this time she doesn't taste of wine, and this time she doesn't leave.

~

The Warners' party is a tiresome affair, everyone upright and uptight and polite and pretending to care. Di wears diamonds, stolen from her mother's private collection, and a dress with a neckline the men in attendance respond to more favorably than the women. Poppy opts for more modest attire - pearls and pink chiffon and a butterfly clip in her hair.

During dinner, sometime between her mockery of Mr. Warner's toupee and her impression of Mrs. Warner after several gin and tonics too many, Di leans closer to Poppy and whispers somewhere just below her earlobe, those pearls make me want to do horribly naughty things to you.

Poppy blanches, fights back laughter and excuses herself from the table. She hears Di's chair scraping against the floor and the click of her heels as she follows. She's barely pushed the door to the powder room open when Di crashes into her, hitching up layers of chiffon and satin to ghost her fingers in a tantalizing trail up her thigh.

When Di presses, she leaves bruises. When Poppy comes, her fingernails leave tears in the Warners' bathroom wallpaper.

~

Naturally, they're a scandal. They fuel the fire of London's latest great gossip war and paint the town with their battle cries. Di's father threatens to cut her off, so she pisses away her own money on ugly clothes from secondhand shops and cries poverty until he relents. Poppy's mother threatens to strangle her the next time she comes around for tea, so Poppy discontinues her bi-weekly teatime visits altogether.

That summer, lazy from humidity, they lie about Di's apartment, clipping out pictures of glamour girls from magazines and newspapers and plastering the walls with them. Di paints and Poppy buys and arranges the furniture. When they fight, they fight uproariously. Di, ever-tempestuous, rages, while Poppy, perpetually fifteen, pouts until they forget the reason for their fighting and collapse onto the bed in fits of giggles.

~

"You left."

"I know."

"I love you."

"I know."

"You love me."

"Yes."

~

With September comes the rain and a merciful wind. Poppy sits by the window, watching rivulets of water dance and drip down the panes until Di throws it open and orders Poppy to come dance with her. She drops the needle on the record player and Vera Lynn croons.

That night, when Poppy turns over in their bed, she finds Di awake, eyes wide and frightened, breathing rapidly. The moonlight illuminates a single tear's shining trail along her pale cheek.

"What is it?" Poppy props herself up on one elbow.

"I dreamt of something."

"Something?"

"Fiamma."

Poppy's heart takes on new weight in her chest. She doesn't know what to say, so she says nothing. She watches Di even after she has long since fallen back asleep, until her own eyelids become too heavy and sleep claims her.

That night, Poppy, too, dreams of Fiamma. The girl they murdered, as sickly white as she had been that day on the woodland floor, dances, naked with a painted face, drunk the way they'd gotten her that one night when everything fell apart. Miss G appears behind her with covetous, lovelorn eyes and Poppy tries to shout in warning but her voice doesn't carry. Miss G's hands take Fiamma about the hips and they tumble backwards together, falling, falling into nothing.

Poppy wakes with a start. It is morning and she is alone in the bed. Alone again.

~

"You left."

"I know."

"I love you."

"I know."

"You love me."

"Yes."

They know the steps to this dance all too well.

~

There had been a war and a holocaust, victory (for some) and détente after that, and Di had come for her, really come for her, Poppy now realizes. After that came a summer of bliss, invincibility. They were untouchable, unchangeable, just girls again, goddesses in the stories they wove for themselves. But winter creeps, creeps into their bones and turns warm bed sheets stony cold. The pictures on the wall peel off and float to the ground of their own volition.

Poppy had waited ten years for that first postcard, and nine days more for the second. This one, like the ones before it, she never expected. She finds it resting on her pillow, picks it up like it might be poisonous to touch. The front is a picture of a wood, thick and green and bursting with life, and on the back:

P,

I am going away. You mustn't be cross. I know your ears and cheeks are turning pink right now because that's what they always do when you're cross with me, but please, don't be cross. Today, I caught the one o'clock to anywhere. Somewhere. As I'm writing this, I haven't decided.

She came back, Poppy. She visited me again and I can't remain where she has been. I won't let her tarnish our place, not again.

~~Please be good to yourself.~~ ~~Take care~~. Love you.
D.

~

She calls, in the middle of the night, from god-knows-where. Poppy lurches from sleep toward the phone, picks it up and presses it to her ear. There is breathing on the other end of the line, and she knows it's Di. Di, somewhere else, somewhere sunny, somewhere warm and foreign.

"You left," Poppy says, not for the first time.

"I know."

"I love you."

A sharp intake of breath, and the line goes dead.

fic: and on thy cheek a fading rose (bellatrix/narcissa, r)

chairs — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 03:27:39 GMT

title. and on thy cheek a fading rose
rating. R
fandom. harry potter
ship. bellatrix/narcissa
word count. 1,080
warnings. blackcest (AGAIN, oy), sex.
notes. So, this just sort of came to me over the course of the day. I feel like I should have spent more than a day on it, but in general I'm very pleased with it and whenever I write anything I wind up being remotely proud of I feel the need to post it promptly. As always where Blacks are concerned, the chronology may be a bit wonky, I don't really know. I just wanted to stick Bella and Cissy in a gorgeous manor in Paris and see what I could do. I tried to explore a different side of Bella in this one, as opposed to the crazed post-Azkaban Bella which I often feel inclined to favor in my writing. ONE DAY I WILL WRITE SOMETHING OTHER THAN BLACKCEST, I PROMISE.
summary. Beads of sweat surface and settle in the hollow of Bellatrix's throat. Narcissa's upper lip is salty to taste when she touches her tongue to it.

I see a lily on thy brow
With anguish moist and fever dew,
And on thy cheek a fading rose
Fast withereth too.
— John Keats

Paris is exceptionally warm throughout the summer of 1977.

(1977, Narcissa will say out loud to herself when she recalls so many years later, when time has taken both her looks and her husband from her. She traces the date on a crinkled, time-worn piece of parchment with a finger and feels more distant from her deceased sister now than ever before.)

They hide away behind the walls of the vast and unoccupied Black family château and wait for word. The Dark Lord insists that it is for the best, but Bellatrix is ever-restless. Narcissa tries to soothe her with assurances of 'soon' and soft, tight-lipped kisses on her cheek.

~

August comes and goes. September arrives and sits lazily on its haunches. Unbearable heat settles in. They shed heavy robes to sun themselves in only their undergarments, shielded from the prying eyes of any neighbors by enchanted oak trees that grow beyond the height of the garden walls.

Beads of sweat surface and settle in the hollow of Bellatrix's throat.

Narcissa's upper lip is salty to taste when she touches her tongue to it. Her heated and hazy mind barely registers the sensation of Bella curving a lacquered nail along her inner thigh.

~

Narcissa watches her sister bathe in the moonlight streaming through the sitting room's grand stained glass window, a patchwork of colors tinting the planes of her bare skin. She watches Bellatrix splayed out stark naked with fingers between her legs and wicked blood now runs through her veins. She can count several of her sister's ribs as they protrude with distinction, more than she remembers having seen before (before, before when it was the garden and the pollen that made her head spin and the late-afternoon's red sunlight had filtered away some of Bella's intensity when she gazed at her without shading her eyes). She imagines pressing a finger deep between each rib until the skin gave way and she could take her sister's murderous heart between pale fingers.

She does not have any particular penchant for being morbid, nor much of a stomach for violence, unlike Bella, but it is a cold, cold January, and her favorite robes have worn a little thinner since Lucius last saw her in them.

~

March means snowfall comes only in brief bouts now, but a fresh, cutting wind rattles the windows in the night. Narcissa traces patterns in the condensation on the windows when she cannot sleep. The city below is a muted sea of greys and blues with thousands of little puncture-holes of light, like a paved sky.

The sound of soft, padding footfalls makes her start. But hush, it is only Bella, your Bella.

With her face pressed against the glass and Bellatrix's fingers working inside her, the stars (or are those city lights?) seem to flicker and extinguish.

They leave whorls of fingerprints on the glass that Narcissa later magics away. Wouldn't do to have the House Elves suspect.

~

Bellatrix and Rodolphus are wed quietly, quickly. She wears their mother's old wedding gown though it has turned an eggshell white with age and neglect. Narcissa is the only guest and witness, apart from the priest, who trembles in the morning chill throughout the ceremony.

Bellatrix delights in hexing him and erasing his memories, watching his face flicker between pain and blankness as each one slips away and leaves him shivering with an inexplicable emptiness.

7th April, 1978, the would-be invitations would-be proclaim. Narcissa can't remember ever feeling so old.

Later, she listens as Rodolphus takes Bella against the bureau in the next room, hears the piercing shatter of priceless heirlooms as they fall to the floor, and touches herself, trying not to think of Lucius.

~

Rodolphus does not stay. He steals away the following evening with promises of news and a swift return and after that Bellatrix grows crueler and crueler when she has been in the house for more than a few days, bound by protective spells from venturing outside the property's walls.

Narcissa dismisses all but one of the House Elves.

Rain falls through most of May. Bellatrix destroys lilies and gardenias and peonies at the touch of her fingertips, replacing them with a garden of deadly plants and herbs that she tends to like the child she would and will never bear. Oleanders and foxgloves and belladonna; she leaves a toxic blossom at Narcissa's bedside every morning.

Narcissa dreams in black-and-white of sipping oleander tea in the shade of an oak tree.

~

Sometimes, Narcissa paints Bellatrix. Her talent with the brush has gone mostly uncultivated in her lifetime, but her sister is beautiful and terrible and Narcissa wants to capture her, hold her captive on canvas the way she cannot in reality. The first time, it has been so long the brush feels awkward and foreign pressed between her fingers. Bellatrix refuses to model for her, so she paints mostly from memory and familiarity, drawing out the strong curve of her jaw, a lock of near-ebony hair hanging stray against high cheekbones.

When it is finished, the painting frightens her. The Bellatrix on canvas has eyes the color of ashes that glint wildly, dark but somehow full of fight and flames and void of lucidity.

Narcissa feels strangely foreboded of something.

She burns the painting.

Bellatrix will scold her for lighting the fireplace when the sun has only just set and the summer day's heat still lingers.

~

The July days and nights melt and drip lazily into one another.

It is thirty degrees Celcius and they lie unclothed and draped across plush, velvet divans, wishing they were made of cool, merciful marble.

It is thirty-nine degrees Celcius and Bellatrix bends her sister over the kitchen counter top (merciful, merciful marble), hearing her hiss with slight shock and eager relief.

It has been twelve months.

~

The sun sinks behind their garden facing the West, and Narcissa watches its progress, leaning at the waist against the grand balustrade of their balcony. She stands cast in the dusky purple-orange glow and wishes someone were there to capture her in this light.

She does not hear Bella approach from behind. Hands take her by the waist, too tightly to suggest good intentions, then move up and up to ghost over her breasts before Bella's whole body is pressing into Narcissa's and she is kissing and nipping at the nape of her neck.

"Cissy. My Cissy."

Narcissa only wonders if the fall might kill her.

fic: they would become permanent, not like the memories (sirius/bellatrix, r)

chairs — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 00:17:07 GMT

title. they would become permanent, not like the memories
rating. R
fandom. harry potter
ship. sirius/bellatrix (hints of bella/cissa)
word count. 994
warnings. gloriously fucked up blackcest, sex.
notes. yeah, alright, this is ME BEING GROSS, okay? i love sirius/bella though, probably to an extent that indicates something is terribly wrong with me. thanks to mayfairs for the encouragement (read: threatening death if i did not post; oh, you). also, i'm pretty sure i fucked up the chronology of this. bella is technically eight or nine years sirius's senior, so getting the timing right with him running away at sixteen and yada yada was tedious.
summary. "We used to be the lords and ladies of our world. Do you remember, dear cousin?"

She had not always felt as though she could not bleed. She had been young once, with the juice of a mealy apple dripping down her chin and a cousin whose boyish, calloused fingers had brushed the trail of liquid roughly away upon request. Sirius Black, Sirius Black, she used to chant over and over, taunting and twirling and twirling until he slammed his body into hers, pinning her down in the itchy grass of her mother's garden and hitching up her skirt with adolescent clumsiness, cursing hatefully as she laughed her way through an orgasm.

I'll kill you for this.

She leaves bite marks on his left shoulder.

He runs away a year later and she curses his name, hexing everything in sight. Narcissa comes to her bedroom that night, gravely silent and tentative in the doorway, taking her sister's hand in a rare gesture of solidarity and sympathy, but limbs become tangled with limbs and Bellatrix leaves sticky bruises in obvious places and precious Cissy will hate her for it always.

Fifteen years later and he still has the scars, still bears the marks her teeth left. Fifteen years later and he is staring her full in the face for the last time. They stand apart, shriveled and sucked dry by years of living trapped in cells of seven by seven by seven.

"I see He has taken your looks as well as your loyalty, Bella."

Hiss. Hex.

She presses the tip of her wand further into the hollow of his throat, the threat of another curse dying on her lips and curling instead into a grin.

The July heat has tattered robes sticking to prison-starved bodies. The neckline of her dress, torn and patched in places, scoops low on her breasts, revealing chest bones he does not remember being able to see before.

His skin is sallow and sunken at the hollows of his cheeks like melted, puckering wax, the way she cannot remember it looking when she drags a long, pointed fingernail across the planes of his face.

"We used to be the lords and ladies of our world. Do you remember, dear cousin?"

He does. He remembers the annual family Christmas balls and dancing stiffly with Narcissa in a cousin's waltz of tentatively, awkwardly placed hands and glances in opposite, far-off directions. He remembers stealing to his bedroom with Regulus to down the dregs of a bottle of a Firewhisky. A younger Bellatrix waits for him in front of the tapestry, the lines of her face still tight and somehow pleasantly cruel. She is twenty-four and smiling, adult and forbidden to him, and dressed in her finest robes of burgundy and black. She draws the hems aside with a finger to reveal a pale thigh. He groans, the last of the whisky still burning in his throat, but the rest of his body burns and tingles for another reason entirely. She beckons him closer with a free hand, takes his and traces their fingers together along the tapestry. Bellatrix to Cygnus and Druella to Alphard to Walburga and Orion to Sirius.

The tapestry folds up and up as he fucks her.

But it is no longer the Christmas of 1976.

"You were no lady, if I remember correctly, dearest," he says, reaching a hand around and grabbing her by the small of the back. Her lips nearly touch his, but she turns her head, spitting vehemently, and he laughs. Azkaban has not taken his laugh away from him, at the very least (small favors, small favors).

She takes a fistful of his hair and pushes him to his knees, shouting bow, bow, bow. He is weak with time and grief and he falls to the floor without struggle, taking her hips between still-calloused hands and pressing a cheek to her clothed stomach.

The old Potter house is rotting from the inside; the wall crumbles slightly when her shoulder blades cut into it. Her wand clatters to the floor.

"Your Lord murdered my best friend here, Bella."

In a flurry of movement, his hand closes around her throat. He bends low over her, his owns lips hovering just above hers before taking her lower lip between his teeth and pulling. She claws and bites and reaches and scratches for her wand in vain. She gives a strangled laugh, and fingers slip beneath robes, finding skin, then heat, and they push roughly roughly, never relenting, because that would mean love, and whatever was left of that between them had died when James Potter had closed his eyes for a long and final rest.

In the rubble and shadows, they fuck indelicately, angrily, leaving flesh wounds (they would become permanent, not like the memories). They are as worn-down as the mildewy floorboards that creak beneath them with every thrust (Sirius remembers this as the sitting room; once cheerful wallpaper now peels downwards in despair).

Her lips are chapped and cracked as they close around him, sucking and licking with a killer's tongue but it's all the same because it's been fifteen years and he can still picture her soft and supple beneath him. She breathes out disgusting, dirty words, a contradiction to the regality she has managed to maintain even after suffering the indignities of downfall. She calls him pet and precious; he growls that she shouldn't. She is and always has been tangy to his tongue, but now tastes of blood and dirt as well, and he smells burnt and damp from every loss he has ever known. Come and blood mix and taste the same in their mouths, and afterward, when she brushes the dirt from her robes, he can see her smile behind stringy hair.

"I'll kill you for this."

Echoes.

picspam: zoe bb (set phasers to ~stunning)

chairs — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 23:18:35 GMT

Seems like EVERYONE is coming out the cuts to make one of these (you all definitely need to check out isis_azariel's bday spam here, but I need to as well, to show my love. In honor of today being my new bb Zoe Saldana's birthday, I put together this picspam of rather epic proportions in order to ~CELEBRATE. You ready for all this gorgeous? I'm leaving this public, so you can link to your friends and convert them. Sounds like a plan, y/y?

zoë saldaña: gqmf hbic
enjoys: Kings of Leon, king-sized beds, cursing adorably, "handsome geek"s, and Mickey Rourke.
looks good with/in: other GQMFs, chairs, black & white, color photographs, circus-y attire, everything

& premieres

just thought I'd get a little Pinto up in this joint

& misc. events

& photoshoots

fin!

Also,

Well, that's that~. I'm going to try to actually go out tonight, now that I've spent the ENTIRE day doing this and feel sufficiently lacking in the life department. Meh.

fic: the phoenix must burn to emerge (tony/effy, r)

chairs — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 00:13:31 GMT

title. the phoenix must burn to emerge
rating. R
fandom. skins
ship. tony/effy
word count. 791
warning. incest, obvs.
notes. set sort of around the time of 3x08, after the party at gobbler's end and effy is trying to get in contact with someone, anyone.
summary. Her breathing is labored, forced, the way (he remembers) it always becomes when she feels the hot, angry need to destroy.

The moment she felt herself slipping, felt her formerly impenetrable armor of anger and too much eyeliner cracking, she called him.

Tony. Tony Tony Tony. The word sounded beautiful as she pushed it out between her teeth into the air that hung dry and heavy around her. She’d shut herself into her own room, windows and blinds closed tightly, until she was sure she was only breathing her own recycled air.

It took only her utterance of his name for him to realize something was wrong, off. The cool, casually indifferent tone of voice that had come to characterize her had been abandoned. The voice on the other end of the line was raspy and trembling under the tension of splintered, cracked emotions. She said nothing more; just his name, followed by silence but for her slow, uneven breathing. He tried to imagine what she looked like at that moment, suspended in her own grief. Probably, she sat on the edge of her bed, nearly naked and curled into a tight ball, keeping as very still and very contained as could stop her from shattering.

Effy. He breathed her name, softly, to comfort, and snapped his phone shut.

She knew he was on his way.

--

When he finds her, she is a devastatingly precise recreation of how he had imagined her earlier. She sits, tightly coiled and mostly undressed, at the end of her bed. In her eyes, ever-shockingly blue and heavily ringed in angry smears of black, there is a flicker of recognition, of relief, of joy and of crippling, unwilling desperation. She is all things at once, in a way that she has always been capable of being, and sits very, very quiet.

He is the first to move. He sits down on the opposite edge of the bed, facing away from her, feeling her tremble and readjust as the bed sags slightly under his weight, but he doesn’t turn to look at her, tries not to, somehow sensing that it is the last thing she wants now. They sit entirely still for minutes neither bothers to count, until finally, she shifts, and he feels the warmth of her breath on his neck. Her breathing is labored, forced, the way (he remembers) it always becomes when she feels the hot, angry need to destroy.

Their eyes meet, properly, then, as he turns to face her, and he thinks briefly that she is the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen, though this is mostly his own vanity speaking, for her eyes and the lines of her bone structure do mirror his own. She pulls him to his knees and kisses him without passion or remorse, moaning a little when their lips met; not out of pleasure, but out of grief. Her mouth goes slack against his after a moment, so he takes her breasts, too small for the cups of the neon green bra that hold them, into his hands, as if to reassure her, and she kisses him again with sudden fervor.

The skin of her body feels sickly soft to his touch. He traces his fingers along her curved spine, feeling the bones where they protrude, and he remembers. He presses his lips to her collarbone, along which somebody else has already left bruises, and he remembers. His calloused fingers slip beneath the flimsy fabric of her knickers and she pushes herself roughly against him, and he remembers.

She gasps out a series of words that he can’t quite catch and slips a hand under his shirt, grasping and clutching in a way that makes her seem unlike herself. Her body trembles against his in anticipation. They both know that in the end, this, their little ritual, solves nothing, but she clenches her thighs so tightly against his hips and he holds her so gently in return that sometimes, for little, fleeting moments, they feel whole in each other. He tries to help her set fire to herself, so that she can burn and emerge again, reborn, from the ashes.

If only.

--

They lie together like lovers afterward, their bodies slick with sweat. She clutches her chest with one hand, the knuckles of her fingers turning a faint white. Her other hand rests gently on top of his.

When their breathing evens out, he asks, “So, who are they? Are they better-looking than me?”

She hears the hint of a smile in his voice.

“Nobody is better-looking than you or me, Ton,” she says, the corners of her mouth twisting into a wry smile that he doesn’t see. “And they’re nobodies.”

Silence.

“Nobodies,” she says again, echoing herself. “Thanks, by the way. For this. It helped.”

She is lying, and he knows it.

“Anytime,” he says.