More on the Potter Dammerung
THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT HOW MUCH I HATED DEATHLY HALLOWS
Complete with illustrations and fanfic recommendations
1. On CNN I just saw the following sequential news macros: "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince sold *insert ludicrous number* of copies on it's release day. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows has sold *insert equally ludicrous number here*. /// TERROR ALERT ELEVATED"
2. Thinking about things I would have done differently if I had written it
Well, I would have done a lot of things differently. Like make it well written and stuff. However, I didn't actually have that much of a problem with *most* of the things that HAPPENED in the plot, just the way it was all rushed and held together not with a thread of literary brilliance, but rather DUCT TAPE OF FANFIC LEVEL STUMBLING. The few things I really, totally, REALLY would have done differently, however, are:
- I guess Narcissa DID have her heroic moment, so I can't complain (even though it wasn't exactly a TOTALLY AWESOME heroic moment). What I really wanted, however, was Draco to help get the trio out of Malfoy manner in the most COMPLETELY UNHEROIC way possible. Like: "Okay, I helped you now I am going to throw myself to the floor and grovel at your feet pathetically so you'll hide me or something, oh, I am such a coward and BEING EVIL SUCKS SO MUCH MORE THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD. OMG PLZ SOBZ." Although Bella stabbing Dobby to death was thoroughly satisfying, so that can still happen. Maybe it's just my biased and irrational love of Draco speaking, but I probably would have made him a parallel to Regulus (what? They were both poncey, Slytherin, pureblood "heirs" to the oldest wizarding families, both of whom thought being a Death Eater was totally HARDCORE and neither of whom enjoyed it at all in the end).
- The trio should have spent more time in Voldemort's England. Shown the general wizard reaction to what was happening. Ect. ect. IT WAS SUCH A COOL PLOT TWIST, HOW COULD SHE DO NOTHING WITH IT?
- I wouldn't have waited until the last moment to show that Snape was really good all along. I get that he was trying to play his part to a T, but it kind of came off as JKR trying to keep the secret as long as possible even though *everyone* knew. It would have been cool if she showed that Snape was, like, secretly helping and encouraging the student rebellion while making it also look like he was attempting to stifle it. Snape is brilliant and bad-ass enough to have done both.
- Harry could have certainly recognized that Snape was heroic hero man after the fact, but I'm kind of bothered by the fact that ALL OF A SUDDEN Snape's totes cool with him just because he had a boner for Lily. Harry's more realistic reaction (considering his years of intense dislike for the man) would be: "Yuck, my mom could have married Snape." *has thirteen showers* O___O
- I would have had Remus come with the trio on their Horucrux hunting hoe-down at least for a little while because, hey, THAT WOULD BE TOTALLY WICKED on account of Remus being a totally wicked bad-ass. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, it would have given Moony and Wormtail a chance to come face to face. Considering Remus and Sirius thought nothing of murdering Peter at the end of PoA, and Peter never DID go to Azkaban AND Sirius is too dead to exact retribution, and Remus is, y'know, pretty ruthless at times (on account of him being a totally wicked, mild-mannered, tweed-wearing, sweet-toothed, dusty-bookworm-type, BAD-ASS) I doubt he would have thought twice about finishing the job. This time, for James and Lily AND Sirius. They could have had an emotional FINAL SHOWDOWNtm in which Peter was given some sympathy (both Peter and Remus were kind of in the same position of: "OH WOW. I CAN'T BELIEVE PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKE ME!" back in school, and that was *part* of the reason Peter turned) and, hey, he could have even died in the same way but goddamnit, at least it would have MEANT something. And the Mauraders would have gotten some closure.
AND THEN Harry could have been all like: "WTF, stop being Sirius and go back to your wife" because I liked that scene. XDDD
3. I like assuming that Andromeda Tonks probably has the discarded Black family portraits in her house, meaning it's entirely possible that Teddy Lupin got all his romantic advice from a portrait of sixteen-year old Sirius Black. XDDD
4. Finding all the penis euphemisms because HOLY SWEET JESUS, WHY JKR, WHAT!?
5. Remus J. Lupin pimpin' it up in the afterlife:
6. Read between the lines, guys, there was SO MUCH rape in this book. O__O
7. Also, even though Remus may not be our local gay wizard anymore (he's now our local two-timing, pimp-wolf who hits all the baddest members of the Black family), how canon is it that Dumbledore was totally a gay wizard. Who used to date the pre-Voldemort Voldemort. DID TOM REMIND YOU OF YOUR EX, ALBUS? MR. RIDDLE, TELL ME WHERE PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE TOUCHED YOU.I may never forgive myself for writing those words.
8. A few good fanfiction recs:
Into the Light Dark Black of Night
Fantastic Lily fic. Fantastic exploration of her relationship with Petunia and what it's like to be Muggleborn at Hogwarts (or rather what it was like to be Muggleborn *before* the first war). The first scene with Sirius is also priceless. ♥
Can't But Run )A Winding River Remix
Snape and his experiences with several members of the Black family. OH WAIT, THIS FIC DOES THAT REGULUS/DRACO PARALLEL THING I WANTED TO SEE POST-HBP. OH FANFIC. *hugs?*
Three Days
I'm a sucker for Sirius/Remus, and OotP, and Mad-Eye Moody AND 12 Grimmauld Place. This fic is all of that and Wizard Chess.
The Fall of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black
Adorably painful Regulus fic. Wins sixteen more awesome points for the bit with Kreacher, considering this was written two years before DH came out.
Daddy Dearest
Lollerific DH spoilers.SCORPIUS MALFOY, WTF
The Cruelest Month
7,000 words about the Black family before and during (and a little after) the first war.
Mors Mortis
This fic punched me in the face sixteen and a half times. By that, I mean it's really quite brilliant. An AU in which Voldemort wins and everything is depressing.
Four Conversations that Could Have Saved the World (and one that did)
Set during the first war with Voldemort, it's exactly what the title says. Four ways people could have not been idiots and things could have gone right. The last one is particularly perfect.
9. This webcomic is eighteen kinds of adorable XD (and spoiler free thus far)
AND NOW I'M DONE THINKING ABOUT IT FOR AWHILE.
Complete with illustrations and fanfic recommendations
1. On CNN I just saw the following sequential news macros: "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince sold *insert ludicrous number* of copies on it's release day. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows has sold *insert equally ludicrous number here*. /// TERROR ALERT ELEVATED"
2. Thinking about things I would have done differently if I had written it
Well, I would have done a lot of things differently. Like make it well written and stuff. However, I didn't actually have that much of a problem with *most* of the things that HAPPENED in the plot, just the way it was all rushed and held together not with a thread of literary brilliance, but rather DUCT TAPE OF FANFIC LEVEL STUMBLING. The few things I really, totally, REALLY would have done differently, however, are:
- I guess Narcissa DID have her heroic moment, so I can't complain (even though it wasn't exactly a TOTALLY AWESOME heroic moment). What I really wanted, however, was Draco to help get the trio out of Malfoy manner in the most COMPLETELY UNHEROIC way possible. Like: "Okay, I helped you now I am going to throw myself to the floor and grovel at your feet pathetically so you'll hide me or something, oh, I am such a coward and BEING EVIL SUCKS SO MUCH MORE THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD. OMG PLZ SOBZ." Although Bella stabbing Dobby to death was thoroughly satisfying, so that can still happen. Maybe it's just my biased and irrational love of Draco speaking, but I probably would have made him a parallel to Regulus (what? They were both poncey, Slytherin, pureblood "heirs" to the oldest wizarding families, both of whom thought being a Death Eater was totally HARDCORE and neither of whom enjoyed it at all in the end).
- The trio should have spent more time in Voldemort's England. Shown the general wizard reaction to what was happening. Ect. ect. IT WAS SUCH A COOL PLOT TWIST, HOW COULD SHE DO NOTHING WITH IT?
- I wouldn't have waited until the last moment to show that Snape was really good all along. I get that he was trying to play his part to a T, but it kind of came off as JKR trying to keep the secret as long as possible even though *everyone* knew. It would have been cool if she showed that Snape was, like, secretly helping and encouraging the student rebellion while making it also look like he was attempting to stifle it. Snape is brilliant and bad-ass enough to have done both.
- Harry could have certainly recognized that Snape was heroic hero man after the fact, but I'm kind of bothered by the fact that ALL OF A SUDDEN Snape's totes cool with him just because he had a boner for Lily. Harry's more realistic reaction (considering his years of intense dislike for the man) would be: "Yuck, my mom could have married Snape." *has thirteen showers* O___O
- I would have had Remus come with the trio on their Horucrux hunting hoe-down at least for a little while because, hey, THAT WOULD BE TOTALLY WICKED on account of Remus being a totally wicked bad-ass. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, it would have given Moony and Wormtail a chance to come face to face. Considering Remus and Sirius thought nothing of murdering Peter at the end of PoA, and Peter never DID go to Azkaban AND Sirius is too dead to exact retribution, and Remus is, y'know, pretty ruthless at times (on account of him being a totally wicked, mild-mannered, tweed-wearing, sweet-toothed, dusty-bookworm-type, BAD-ASS) I doubt he would have thought twice about finishing the job. This time, for James and Lily AND Sirius. They could have had an emotional FINAL SHOWDOWNtm in which Peter was given some sympathy (both Peter and Remus were kind of in the same position of: "OH WOW. I CAN'T BELIEVE PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKE ME!" back in school, and that was *part* of the reason Peter turned) and, hey, he could have even died in the same way but goddamnit, at least it would have MEANT something. And the Mauraders would have gotten some closure.
AND THEN Harry could have been all like: "WTF, stop being Sirius and go back to your wife" because I liked that scene. XDDD
3. I like assuming that Andromeda Tonks probably has the discarded Black family portraits in her house, meaning it's entirely possible that Teddy Lupin got all his romantic advice from a portrait of sixteen-year old Sirius Black. XDDD
4. Finding all the penis euphemisms because HOLY SWEET JESUS, WHY JKR, WHAT!?
5. Remus J. Lupin pimpin' it up in the afterlife:
6. Read between the lines, guys, there was SO MUCH rape in this book. O__O
7. Also, even though Remus may not be our local gay wizard anymore (he's now our local two-timing, pimp-wolf who hits all the baddest members of the Black family), how canon is it that Dumbledore was totally a gay wizard. Who used to date the pre-Voldemort Voldemort. DID TOM REMIND YOU OF YOUR EX, ALBUS? MR. RIDDLE, TELL ME WHERE PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE TOUCHED YOU.
8. A few good fanfiction recs:
Into the Light Dark Black of Night
Fantastic Lily fic. Fantastic exploration of her relationship with Petunia and what it's like to be Muggleborn at Hogwarts (or rather what it was like to be Muggleborn *before* the first war). The first scene with Sirius is also priceless. ♥
Can't But Run )A Winding River Remix
Snape and his experiences with several members of the Black family. OH WAIT, THIS FIC DOES THAT REGULUS/DRACO PARALLEL THING I WANTED TO SEE POST-HBP. OH FANFIC. *hugs?*
Three Days
I'm a sucker for Sirius/Remus, and OotP, and Mad-Eye Moody AND 12 Grimmauld Place. This fic is all of that and Wizard Chess.
The Fall of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black
Adorably painful Regulus fic. Wins sixteen more awesome points for the bit with Kreacher, considering this was written two years before DH came out.
Daddy Dearest
Lollerific DH spoilers.
The Cruelest Month
7,000 words about the Black family before and during (and a little after) the first war.
Mors Mortis
This fic punched me in the face sixteen and a half times. By that, I mean it's really quite brilliant. An AU in which Voldemort wins and everything is depressing.
Four Conversations that Could Have Saved the World (and one that did)
Set during the first war with Voldemort, it's exactly what the title says. Four ways people could have not been idiots and things could have gone right. The last one is particularly perfect.
9. This webcomic is eighteen kinds of adorable XD (and spoiler free thus far)
AND NOW I'M DONE THINKING ABOUT IT FOR AWHILE.