Perfect Cell

cellsama @ 2003-02-21T19:30:00

2003-02-21T16:53:16Z

More mail. Yay. Oh, well.

Yo Cell,

I remember when you used to be in a comic book. You were great, man. I loved that comic book. The show was good, too.

Anyway, I've got a problem. You see, everywhere I go, I've got lots of girls chasing me. For most guys this would be great, but it just gets on my nerves, and gets in the way of my training. A lot of these girls think I'm engaged to them, usually because of my father's stupidity.

Also, because of a... um, "problem" I have, I often have guys chasing after me as well. This is quite frustrating. How can I get these people to leave me alone so I can concentrate on the important things in life: martial arts!

-Frustrated in Furinkan

Cell says: Gohan? Sorry, I was just reminded of him when you mentioned your father's stupidity.

Anyway, you do indeed have a problem. The problem is that you are a pansy. Think about it. You are complaining about girls chasing after you. What the hell is wrong with you?

If you really want to get rid of these women, then kill them. This will be easy, if you are the competent martial artist you claim to be. Granted, you're no Perfect Cell. But then, who is? Besides me, I mean.

You must take drastic measures to make your life the way you want it, or otherwise people will just walk all over you. Best of luck.

Dearest Cell,

I'm having a problem with the one I love. It seems no matter what I try to do, I can never get him to return my affections. I chase after him, he runs. I play hard to get, he ignores me. I give him space, he keeps away. I smother him, he beats me up. What am I to do? Please help me win the heart of the one I love!

-Lovesick in Hell

Cell says: For God's sakes, Freeza! Leave me alone! I don't like you! Not now, and not ever! STOP STALKING ME! NO MEANS NO!

h3y c3ll

1 g07 7h47 n3w g4m3 dbz: bud0k41 1tz d4 b0mb y0. h0w d0 1 m4k3 g0ku p0w3r up? 1 m34n l1k3 ssj3 or ssj4 y0. c4n 1 d0 th47? 7hnx by3 u d4 b0mb y0.

-sup3rbuu73nx4583

Cell says: Yeah, I rock in that game, don't I? Anyway, no, you cannot get SSJ3 or SSJ4 in that game. It goes up to the Cell Saga, not the Buu Saga, and not DBGT. So they are not in the game. Too bad. And I don't appreciate you sending me this e-mail 52 times, either.

Dear Cell,

Hey. I know we haven't seen eye to eye on a lot of things, but anyway, I've got this problem. My mom, she nags me a lot. I know she means well, but it gets on my nerves. Back when my dad was alive, it was a little better, because even though she bossed him around, he could sometimes convince her to give me a break and let me train or just enjoy being a kid. Now I can't even get any play with my girlfriend because my mom always wants me studying for college exams or whatever. Please help.

-Henpecked Super Saiyan

Cell says: I hate you, you little brat. Die.

Anyway, follow the advice I gave the last guy in my last column. Stand up to your mom and tell that bitch that you're a man, and if she gets in your way again you'll put her through a tree.

And by the way, you've got some screwed-up parents. Your dad was a good-for-nothing deadbeat, and your mom is a total bitch. Sucks to be you. Anyway, maybe you could get her to do some actual parenting on your brother, since he's in desperate need of it. Or has she already given up on him? I couldn't blame her for that.

Dear Cell,

I heard you had some movies coming out. I asked around at the theaters and they said they didn't know anything. What's up? I want to see your flicks, man. They sound smokin'!

-Your Biggest Fan

Cell says: My movies have been delayed. Yes, all of them. It seems I've been blacklisted by most Hollywood Studios. All because I blew up a major portion of Los Angeles when they suggested that the Rock play me in the proposed live-action DBZ movie.

Um, the Rock? No.

"DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE CELL IS COOKING?"

Um, no.

Anyway, who knows when my movies will finally be released. I'm currently shopping around for producers, and I may go the independent movie route, so that means no big-budget premiere and possibly no big name costars.

But I stand up for my principles, regardless of the cost.

The Rock?

God no.

That's all. Why do people keep e-mailing me?

cellsama @ 2002-08-06T15:57:00

2002-08-06T13:23:44Z

Would you believe, after I did that article on that website (which has since been deleted), people STILL write to me and ask me for advice? It's true. So I've decided to answer some of these people here.

Dear Cell,

I have a problem. I believe my husband used to be a member of the KGB. I met him a few years ago, and he seems like a nice guy. We got married and mostly it's been working out great. But everytime he sees a story on the news about Russia he gets a misty look in his eyes. Also, he's a huge Communist sympathizer. He speaks perfect English, though, and says he was born right here in the USA. How can I find out if my husband was in the KGB?

-KGB Wife

Cell says: KGB Wife, the KGB are known for their duplicity and cleverness. However, if your husband was in the KGB, there will be some telltale signs. Does he ever speak in Russian in his sleep? Does he frequently express disgust at the taste of American or Finnish vodka? Did he angrily stomp off when the Canadians got a gold medal in pairs figure skating in the 2002 Olympics? Does his watch have a wire that can be pulled out to choke people? Does he have an AK-47, either laying around in plain site or hidden? These are all signs that he may have been in the KGB.

Cell,

Greetings. I am an upperclassman at a school in Japan. I am in love with two women. Unfortunately they are both oppressed by another man, my mortal enemy. It hurts to even speak his name. Alas, he is very powerful, and so far I have been unsuccessful in my attempts to liberate them. Normally I would be loathe to ask a green insect-like creature from a comic book for advice, but I am at my wits' end and have no other course of action available to me. What am I to do?

Sincerely,
Blue Thunder

Cell says: Blue Thunder, first off let me advise you about monogamy. You say you are in love with two girls. The world will tell you that this is wrong and bad, but don't listen. If you can handle two women, if you actually WANT two women, then by all means go for it. Monogamy is outdated.

Next up, your enemy. If you cannot beat him face-to-face, then use every dirty trick you can think of. If he's that popular with the ladies, then surely there are other girls interested in him, and surely they have other suitors who you can team up with. Ask around town, and find some of his enemies. Ally yourself with them and attack him as a group. Perhaps this will help.

By the way, I don't appreciate that "green insect-like creature" comment. I have traced this e-mail and will be over soon to... "talk" to you about that.

Dearest Cell-sama,

I am in love with someone. Sadly, he will not acknowledge my affection. He says he hates me and that he wants me to leave him alone, and he frequently beats me up. But I love him! I cannot bear to live without him! I would do anything for him! I love yo- uhh, I mean, him! What can I do to get my honeybunch to accept my affections.

-Getting the Cold Shoulder

Cell says: You can't. Leave him alone. No means no. A restraining order is the law. Stop stalking me, you lizard-freak.

Yeah, Cell? I got a problem. I'm unhappy, a bit agitated. Real angry. It's my ma! She don't think I'm a real man. Can you imagine that? I mean, I do a man's job an all, but she treats me like a little boy! All I get is "your pa this" and "your pa that" and "you ain't a real man, Toni" and it's driving me freakin' nuts!!

My ma, she keeps going, "Toni, Toni, be a real man, stand up for yourself, don't take no shit!" But all I do is to be a good son, and I want her to show that she cares for me. Show that... she loves me! And you know... say I was a good kid! But it seems like nothing's ever good enough for her, you know what I mean? What do I do?

Signed,
My Name Ain't Toni

Cell says: Well, "Toni," you need to lay down the law with her. Say, "Listen here, bitch! I'm a man and I demand you treat me with respect, or I'll have you in the old folks' home faster than you can say 'false teeth!' And I'll make damn sure they DON'T resuscitate!" You're a grown man, but you'll never get the respect you deserve until you DEMAND it. People don't just GIVE you respect, you have to TAKE it. And usually, for me, at least, this involves beating the crap out of them. And I'm sure you know a little something about that, Toni.

So long for now. Maybe I'll answer some more questions next time. I'll also tell you about my newest movie idea, "K-9 Teen: The Widowmaker"! See you later.

The Story Thus Far

2002-05-10T09:56:22Z

I've been quite busy lately. Mostly flying out to Hollywood to meet with movie execs, and avoiding Freeza. Pre-production has already begun on several of my scripts. I'll go over them and their tentative release dates.

untitled - Tentative release date: Christmas 2002. This is the story of everyman (portrayed by me), who feels alone and isolated on his home planet, because he killed everyone. So he comes to Earth and learns all about Christmas from a little orphan boy (possibly potrayed by Haley Joel Osmond). It's a film for the whole family, and will probably be rated PG or PG-13. Unfortunately, it will be going up against The Two Towers, which is why I started that ridiculous petition. Heh. >:)

The King of Hearts - Tentative release date: Valentine's Day, 2003. A ghetto pimp (portrayed by me) learns a lesson in love when five of his ex-girlfriends (and ex-ho's) gather together to teach him a lesson in love. Ex-girlfriends and ho's possibly portrayed by Sarah Michelle Gellar, Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu, Julia Stiles, and Reese Witherspoon. It will probably be rated PG-13 or R.

Icy Grave - Tentative release date: Summer 2003. An average scientist (portrayed by me) in northern Alaska is forced to become a hero when the colony is taken over by eco-terrorists. Ends with a climactic battle with the super-powered genetically-engineered leader of the eco-terrorists (possibly portrayed by Christopher Walken). It will most likely be rated R.

I also have a TV series in development for this fall, which is about a good-natured kid from the country (portrayed by me) who moves to Los Angeles to become an actor. The main love interest will probably be played by Tea Leoni.

That's all I'm legally allowed to say about my upcoming works, but keep checking back here and I may have some more information. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting with James Cameron in about a half-hour, and a meeting with Steven Spielberg in three hours, so I must be off.

cellsama @ 2002-02-27T11:13:00

2002-02-27T08:53:43Z

I Am A: Chaotic Evil Human Fighter Paladin

Alignment:
Chaotic Evil characters are the most 'evil' people out there. They are willing to do anything to get ahead, and will kill anyone who stands in their way. A chaotic evil person sees no value in order and governments, and believes to the utmost in the tenant that 'Might Makes Right'.

Race:
Humans are the 'average' race. They have the shortest life spans, and because of this, they tend to avoid the racial prejudices that other races are known for. They are also very curious and tend to live 'for the moment'.

Primary Class:
Fighters are the warriors. They use weapons to accomplish their goals. This isn't to say that they aren't intelligent, but that they do, in fact, believe that violence is frequently the answer.

Secondary Class:
Paladins are the Holy Warriors. They have been chosen by a God/dess to be their representative on Earth, and must follow the code of that deity, or risk severe penalties. They tend towards being righteous, but not generally to excess.

Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

Nonsense. An Anti-Paladin, maybe. Except I won't be controlled by a Priest. They got the Chaotic Evil right, though. And I guess Human is pretty close, since Saiya-jin and Artificial Human were not options.

Detailed Results:

Alignment:
Lawful Good ----- (0)
Neutral Good ---- (0)
Chaotic Good ---- (-2)
Lawful Neutral -- (0)
True Neutral ---- X (1)
Chaotic Neutral - XX (2)
Lawful Evil ----- XX (2)
Neutral Evil ---- XXX (3)
Chaotic Evil ---- XXXX (4)

Nine evil, three neutral, and no good. Damn right.

Race:
Human ---- XXXXXXX (7)
Half-Elf - (-1)
Elf ------ XXXX (4)
Halfling - (-12)
Dwarf ---- X (1)

Human and elf most accurately reflect my size and demeanor.

Class:
Fighter - XXXXX (5)
Ranger -- (-3)
Paladin - XX (2)
Cleric -- (-2)
Mage ---- XX (2)
Druid --- (-1)
Thief --- (-4)
Bard ---- (-2)

I love fighting, so naturally I'm a Fighter. I suppose Mage would work too, since my ki could be described as magic. The Paladin part is utter nonsense, though.

Here were my answers:

1. Which is the MOST important of the following concepts?
Power.

2. Which is the SECOND MOST important of the following concepts?
Pride.

3. Which is the LEAST important of the following concepts?
Money.

4. You're having guests over for a party. Which of the following is your FIRST priority?
Entertainment.

Don't understand? Remember the Cell Games?

5. You're having guests over for a party. Which of the following is your SECOND priority?
Decorations.

Again, the Cell Games.

6. Which of the following is the MOST admirable life goal?
Physical Strength.

7. Which of the following is the LEAST admirable life goal?
Money.

8. You are given a gift of several million gold coins. What do you do with them?
Open a business.

This doesn't reflect me at all, but "throw them in the river and kill the person who gave them to me" was not an option.

9. Where would you MOST like to live?
The Middle of Nowhere, all by yourself.

Again, the Cell Games.

10. Where would you LEAST like to live?
A Small Village, with a few people and a handful of busniesses.

I'd rather live in a big city. A small village means fewer people to fight/kill.

11. Somebody plays a joke on you. What's your first reaction?
Hurt, injure, or otherwise maim the bastard.

"Kill" is more like it.

12. What type of people would you MOST like to associate with?
Me, Myself, and I (none of the above).

"Fighters" and "opponents" were not options.

13. What type of people would you LEAST like to associate with?
The regulars at the local ale house.

This was pretty much a tie, but I have nothing to say to the local uneducated unskilled unwashed masses.

14. In a fight, what would be your FIRST choice of weapon?
Magic.

I suppose ki attacks count as "magic". Too bad they didn't have "my body" on there.

15. In a fight, what would be your SECOND choice of weapon?
Club.

It's the closest thing to fist or leg.

16. In a fight, what would be your LAST choice of weapon?
Running.

I never run, even if I'm being attacked by multiple opponents. Though perhaps I should revise that rule, since it got me in trouble last time.

17. What would you be MOST likely to order at a tavern?
Bread and Ale.

I have no need for food, so whatever.

18. What would you be LEAST likely to order at a tavern?
Soup and Salad.

I have no need for food, so whatever.

19. While walking past an alley, you notice two thugs beating up a merchant, obviously intent on robbery. What do you do?
Kill them all and loot the bodies.

Minus the "looting" part. I have no need for money.

20. Which of the following would you MOST like to have as a pet or companion?
None of the above.

I don't want or need pets. Though perhaps my Cell Jrs. count. Maybe I should have marked "imp", since that does describe them.

21. Which of the following would you ALSO like to have as a pet or companion?
None of the above.

I don't want one, so I certainly don't want two.

22. Which of the following would you LEAST like to have as a pet or companion?
None of the above.

I'd least like to have Freeza as a companion. Brrrrr.

23. Which of the following would you MOST like to study at a university?
Swordsmanship.

"Fighting" was not an option. I doubt anyone could teach me anything more in that department anyway.

24. Which of the following would you LEAST like to study at a university?
Music.

25. Pick a FAVORITE color from the following list:
Red.

The color of the blood of most of my opponents.

Bet you thought I'd say "green", didn't you?

26. Pick a LEAST FAVORITE color from the following list:
Yellow.

The color of the hair of Super Saiya-jin. And the color of the streak running down the backs of most of them.

27. Pick a FAVORITE type of outfit to wear:
Three words: Shining Plate Mail!

I suppose my exoskeleton is like plate mail.

28. Pick a LEAST FAVORITE type of outfit to wear:
Snazzy business attire.

I can think of few things more repulsive than trying to dress like a rich human.

cellsama @ 2002-01-16T00:06:00

2002-01-15T22:16:32Z

Tommo, Yotto, and I are back from our "vacation".

I got tired of Freeza stalking me, so I flew out to California for a while and laid low. I didn't tell anyone where I was going.

While I was out there I bought a computer. I didn't post anything here, because I didn't want anyone, especially Freeza, knowing what I was up to.

Since I didn't have anything else to do (other than train), I decided to try my hand at writing. So I cranked out a few screenplays and pitched them to some studio bigwigs. They bought one of them for an obscene amount of money, so it seems I have talent (well, maybe not; selling a screenplay doesn't equal talent, at least not in Hollywood; a look at any movie magazine at any time can tell you that) and that I have found a decent way to make money without working.

Tommo and Yotto wanted me to buy them a Playstation 2, so I blasted them.

I'm in pretty regular contact with the studio heads concerning my movie, so I'll be sure to post any new tidbits and developments here first.

I also got an unlisted number so Freeza can't call me. Leave me alone, Freeza.

cellsama @ 2001-11-25T18:10:00

2001-11-25T15:11:59Z

LEAVE ME ALONE, FREEZA!!!!!

The onslaught begins.

2001-11-19T08:03:53Z

Freeza's back. And, with a vengeance.

It seems he took "a little time off" to "reevaluate" himself and what was important to him.

All this he told me in a very long e-mail. Which had already been read once.

Thanks, Rob.

Anyway, after this reevaluation, it seems I'm pretty high on the list of what's important to him. Yay for me. So now I get lots of e-mails, as well as other "surprises".

Over the last couple of days, I must've gotten at least a hundred flower deliveries. How the hell does that nut afford all these flowers?

Freeza, if you're reading this, flowers SUCK. I HATE flowers. They have absolutely NO USE, and no I'm not going to go all Blackwargreymon and start trying to find my soul over one stupid little insignificant flower. If you want to get me a gift, and oh how I wish you didn't, but if you do, bring me the head of a Super Saiyan.

...I MEAN THE ONE ON HIS SHOULDERS!!!

I hate you, Freeza.

He also keeps sending me these annoying bad haikus. Like this little gem:

A warm summer's breeze
It gently soothes my still heart
Like my love for you

Uh-huh. I can see he's been attending the Relena Peacecraft school of stalking.

Freeza, if you're reading this, which I'm almost sure you are, please LEAVE ME ALONE. Please STOP STALKING ME. I'm NOT INTERESTED IN YOU. AT ALL. I will get a restraining order if necessary. I'm not kidding. What part of "No" and "Die" don't you understand?

Though I'm sure in his dementia he can even misconstrue that last paragraph to see it as evidence of my "love" for him.

Bad memories.

2001-11-15T09:07:11Z

I was watching TV yesterday, and I came across Cartoon Network. Apparently they started rerunning DBZ, right after the Cell Saga (why they skipped the best part - ME - still puzzles me). They were showing that God-awful episode where I took over Hell (or HFIL or whatever the hell they're calling it) and Freeza and King Cold and the Ginyu Force get beaten up, and then I'm just about to kick Goku's ass, and that green freak Pikehan cheapshots me from out of nowhere.

Dammit, I just hate that guy. I want a piece of him.

And Goku. What a moron. "Even in death you refuse to learn!" Learn what, you babbling idiot? I'm dead! I'm in Hell! It can't get much worse than that!

Hell... I'm glad I don't have to deal with those morons there anymore. And that reminds me, I have an urge to go kick Goku's ass.

Tommo... Yotto... there's work to be done.

Ho-hum.

2001-11-06T11:48:27Z

Things have been rather dead around here since Halloween. No one to fight with, no one to argue with, nothing. Tommo and Yotto have eaten all their candy from Halloween. I think they said they were going to the store to steal some more. Those little scamps.

I'm rather worried about Freeza. Not concerned for his safety, just worried that he's planning something big in an attempt to win my affections... or whatever the hell else it is he wants from me. It disturbs me to just think about it. Anyway, I'm worried because usually I get messages on my answering machine, e-mail (much to Rob's chagrin), flowers, or some other manner to let me know he's stalking me. But lately, nothing. Not since that e-mail. I was almost certain he'd do something femme-y like dress up as Sailor Moon for Halloween and try some nonsense, but not a peep out of him.

This is most certainly the calm before the storm.

Trick-or-treat.

2001-11-02T03:20:04Z

Went to a party on Halloween night. Some loser with red hair and a white coat and some sword/gun combo thing tried to start something with me, so I was about to bust him up. Then some blond kid broke it up.

Tommo and Yotto went trick-or-treating, and beat up on Trunks and Goten. Earlier, they (along with Rob) had dressed Brolly up like Goku, so I yanked a mirror off the wall and gave him a good look at himself, hoping it would drive him crazy. It did. >:) So he rampaged through the place for a while, until who should appear taking young Trunks and Goten trick-or-treating but Goku! Yes, Goku! So Brolly and I layed into him, while Tommo and Yotto beat up Goten and Trunks and stole their candy.

A fun night was had by all.

All Hallow's Eve comes early.

2001-10-29T07:16:07Z

Despite the fact that Halloween isn't until Wednesday, Tommo and Yotto insist on wearing their costumes now. They're both dressed as clowns. And a miniature Cell, dressed as a clown, is a both humorous and shameful sight.

They've also taken to flying around and asking strangers for candy. Naturally, this usually shocks people. Once while they were out in the middle of the night, a police officer brought them back. Why they didn't blast him and his car is beyond me, but after retrieving them, I gladly finished the job.

They seem to be concentrating on the "treat" portion of Halloween. I shall have to teach them that the "trick" part can be much more fun and entertaining.

Some people.

2001-10-25T12:50:49Z

I was training with Tommo and Yotto in the park again today, and some guy walked up and said he recognized me and asked for my autograph. Can you imagine that? "Hi, I don't know you, and you don't know me, but I'm important enough to interrupt your day so could you please write your name on this piece of paper?"

Geez. The nerve of some people.

I kicked him through a tree.

Happy birthday, Rob.

2001-10-24T21:57:54Z

I'll have to deliver my "gift" soon.

Hint: It's very painful, and quite possibly lethal. Ha ha ha ha!!!

Merchandise alert

2001-10-24T14:09:27Z

If you're one of my fans (and who isn't?), then you might want to keep a lookout for this the next time you peons are at Wal*Mart or wherever. Don't say I never gave you anything.

And for those with lots of money (as I'm sure this will be very expensive), check this out.

And for God's sakes, Freeza, just buy one of these and stop harassing me!

Ho-hum.

2001-10-24T07:10:10Z

I checked my... ah, Robert's e-mail today, since he gave me the password and everything.

"INCREASE YOUR SEXUAL ENERGY WITH VIAGRA!!!!1111"

Delete.

"HOT XXX PORN THESE LADIES ARE DOUBLE-JOINTED!!!!111"

Delete.

"Dear Rob, You are the love of my life and I can't live without you. Please write back or I'll kill myself!"

Delete.

"REAL COLLEGE DIPLOMAS! CHEAP!"

Delete.

"Dear Cell,"

Hm.

"Hi, Cell-sama! ^_^ How's it going? I saw that you got a LiveJournal! It's sooo adorable! ^_^ I can't wait to read about your innermost thoughts and feelings! Just thinking about it makes me tingly inside! ^_~ See you soon! ;)

Hugs an' kisses,
Freeza-chan"

God, now I've got that androgynous lizard freak stalking me again. What did I ever do to deserve this? Later maybe I'll go kick his ass. Again. Not that that ever seems to stop him. I think he must be some sort of masochist or something. Don't e-mail me again, Freeza, or I'll rip your heart out and feed it to Coola.

After that bit of insanity, I needed some fresh air, so I went to the park with Tommo and Yotto (Cell Jrs) and trained for a bit. Then they wanted ice cream so I shook down the local ice cream vendor and made him give them some. They liked it so much they blew up his ice cream stand, with him inside. My, weren't they excited?

Perfection has arrived.

2001-10-23T12:15:12Z

To ease my boredom, I've gotten myself a LiveJournal. Robert was so kind as to let me use his e-mail address, since I don't have one of my own.

Perhaps this will help me find worthy opponents to battle. I just hope Freeza doesn't start stalking me here.