Would you believe, after I did that article on that website (which has since been deleted), people STILL write to me and ask me for advice? It's true. So I've decided to answer some of these people here.
Dear Cell,
I have a problem. I believe my husband used to be a member of the KGB. I met him a few years ago, and he seems like a nice guy. We got married and mostly it's been working out great. But everytime he sees a story on the news about Russia he gets a misty look in his eyes. Also, he's a huge Communist sympathizer. He speaks perfect English, though, and says he was born right here in the USA. How can I find out if my husband was in the KGB?
-KGB Wife
Cell says: KGB Wife, the KGB are known for their duplicity and cleverness. However, if your husband was in the KGB, there will be some telltale signs. Does he ever speak in Russian in his sleep? Does he frequently express disgust at the taste of American or Finnish vodka? Did he angrily stomp off when the Canadians got a gold medal in pairs figure skating in the 2002 Olympics? Does his watch have a wire that can be pulled out to choke people? Does he have an AK-47, either laying around in plain site or hidden? These are all signs that he may have been in the KGB.
Cell,
Greetings. I am an upperclassman at a school in Japan. I am in love with two women. Unfortunately they are both oppressed by another man, my mortal enemy. It hurts to even speak his name. Alas, he is very powerful, and so far I have been unsuccessful in my attempts to liberate them. Normally I would be loathe to ask a green insect-like creature from a comic book for advice, but I am at my wits' end and have no other course of action available to me. What am I to do?
Sincerely,
Blue Thunder
Cell says: Blue Thunder, first off let me advise you about monogamy. You say you are in love with two girls. The world will tell you that this is wrong and bad, but don't listen. If you can handle two women, if you actually WANT two women, then by all means go for it. Monogamy is outdated.
Next up, your enemy. If you cannot beat him face-to-face, then use every dirty trick you can think of. If he's that popular with the ladies, then surely there are other girls interested in him, and surely they have other suitors who you can team up with. Ask around town, and find some of his enemies. Ally yourself with them and attack him as a group. Perhaps this will help.
By the way, I don't appreciate that "green insect-like creature" comment. I have traced this e-mail and will be over soon to... "talk" to you about that.
Dearest Cell-sama,
I am in love with someone. Sadly, he will not acknowledge my affection. He says he hates me and that he wants me to leave him alone, and he frequently beats me up. But I love him! I cannot bear to live without him! I would do anything for him! I love yo- uhh, I mean, him! What can I do to get my honeybunch to accept my affections.
-Getting the Cold Shoulder
Cell says: You can't. Leave him alone. No means no. A restraining order is the law. Stop stalking me, you lizard-freak.
Yeah, Cell? I got a problem. I'm unhappy, a bit agitated. Real angry. It's my ma! She don't think I'm a real man. Can you imagine that? I mean, I do a man's job an all, but she treats me like a little boy! All I get is "your pa this" and "your pa that" and "you ain't a real man, Toni" and it's driving me freakin' nuts!!
My ma, she keeps going, "Toni, Toni, be a real man, stand up for yourself, don't take no shit!" But all I do is to be a good son, and I want her to show that she cares for me. Show that... she loves me! And you know... say I was a good kid! But it seems like nothing's ever good enough for her, you know what I mean? What do I do?
Signed,
My Name Ain't Toni
Cell says: Well, "Toni," you need to lay down the law with her. Say, "Listen here, bitch! I'm a man and I demand you treat me with respect, or I'll have you in the old folks' home faster than you can say 'false teeth!' And I'll make damn sure they DON'T resuscitate!" You're a grown man, but you'll never get the respect you deserve until you DEMAND it. People don't just GIVE you respect, you have to TAKE it. And usually, for me, at least, this involves beating the crap out of them. And I'm sure you know a little something about that, Toni.
So long for now. Maybe I'll answer some more questions next time. I'll also tell you about my newest movie idea, "K-9 Teen: The Widowmaker"! See you later.
Dear Cell,
I have a problem. I believe my husband used to be a member of the KGB. I met him a few years ago, and he seems like a nice guy. We got married and mostly it's been working out great. But everytime he sees a story on the news about Russia he gets a misty look in his eyes. Also, he's a huge Communist sympathizer. He speaks perfect English, though, and says he was born right here in the USA. How can I find out if my husband was in the KGB?
-KGB Wife
Cell says: KGB Wife, the KGB are known for their duplicity and cleverness. However, if your husband was in the KGB, there will be some telltale signs. Does he ever speak in Russian in his sleep? Does he frequently express disgust at the taste of American or Finnish vodka? Did he angrily stomp off when the Canadians got a gold medal in pairs figure skating in the 2002 Olympics? Does his watch have a wire that can be pulled out to choke people? Does he have an AK-47, either laying around in plain site or hidden? These are all signs that he may have been in the KGB.
Cell,
Greetings. I am an upperclassman at a school in Japan. I am in love with two women. Unfortunately they are both oppressed by another man, my mortal enemy. It hurts to even speak his name. Alas, he is very powerful, and so far I have been unsuccessful in my attempts to liberate them. Normally I would be loathe to ask a green insect-like creature from a comic book for advice, but I am at my wits' end and have no other course of action available to me. What am I to do?
Sincerely,
Blue Thunder
Cell says: Blue Thunder, first off let me advise you about monogamy. You say you are in love with two girls. The world will tell you that this is wrong and bad, but don't listen. If you can handle two women, if you actually WANT two women, then by all means go for it. Monogamy is outdated.
Next up, your enemy. If you cannot beat him face-to-face, then use every dirty trick you can think of. If he's that popular with the ladies, then surely there are other girls interested in him, and surely they have other suitors who you can team up with. Ask around town, and find some of his enemies. Ally yourself with them and attack him as a group. Perhaps this will help.
By the way, I don't appreciate that "green insect-like creature" comment. I have traced this e-mail and will be over soon to... "talk" to you about that.
Dearest Cell-sama,
I am in love with someone. Sadly, he will not acknowledge my affection. He says he hates me and that he wants me to leave him alone, and he frequently beats me up. But I love him! I cannot bear to live without him! I would do anything for him! I love yo- uhh, I mean, him! What can I do to get my honeybunch to accept my affections.
-Getting the Cold Shoulder
Cell says: You can't. Leave him alone. No means no. A restraining order is the law. Stop stalking me, you lizard-freak.
Yeah, Cell? I got a problem. I'm unhappy, a bit agitated. Real angry. It's my ma! She don't think I'm a real man. Can you imagine that? I mean, I do a man's job an all, but she treats me like a little boy! All I get is "your pa this" and "your pa that" and "you ain't a real man, Toni" and it's driving me freakin' nuts!!
My ma, she keeps going, "Toni, Toni, be a real man, stand up for yourself, don't take no shit!" But all I do is to be a good son, and I want her to show that she cares for me. Show that... she loves me! And you know... say I was a good kid! But it seems like nothing's ever good enough for her, you know what I mean? What do I do?
Signed,
My Name Ain't Toni
Cell says: Well, "Toni," you need to lay down the law with her. Say, "Listen here, bitch! I'm a man and I demand you treat me with respect, or I'll have you in the old folks' home faster than you can say 'false teeth!' And I'll make damn sure they DON'T resuscitate!" You're a grown man, but you'll never get the respect you deserve until you DEMAND it. People don't just GIVE you respect, you have to TAKE it. And usually, for me, at least, this involves beating the crap out of them. And I'm sure you know a little something about that, Toni.
So long for now. Maybe I'll answer some more questions next time. I'll also tell you about my newest movie idea, "K-9 Teen: The Widowmaker"! See you later.