I was the problem.

A year ago, I woke up on January 1st, scared of what would happen to me if nothing changed.

Physically, I’d been feeling ‘not right’ for too long… ignoring aches, pains, and various symptoms. Emotionally, I swallowed so much of my sadness and anxiety in trying to hide it from others that I started vomiting it up in chunks.

There was nothing to do but give in to the truth.
Surrender to the fact that I needed help.

So, I booked appointments, accepted the results, and followed the protocols as if my life depended on it. Because as it turns out, it did.

Please don’t misinterpret that last sentence as high drama or that I was on death’s bed - I was not.

Here’s the thing I got wrong: that I’ll have time to pay attention to my health and well-being later… after I look after everything and everyone else.

The trouble with ‘later’ is that it never comes.

Later is always some unknown future date, and I don’t live in the future.
I live right here, right now, in this moment ONLY.

I didn’t want to continue choosing partial happiness, partial health, and partial satisfaction, with crumbs of excitement sprinkled in.

When I woke up on that January 1st morning, the thought that hit me like a lightning bolt was that I was running down the clock on my life.

Another year would come and go, and I would continue to feel ‘not right’. If I don’t change, I won’t have contributed to what my life could have become.

The hard line.

One of the tenets I live by is that as soon as I have an idea, a knowing, a gut feeling about something, I MUST take action on it immediately.

That January 1st offered me a grand realization, and it required big action and big blocks of time. How on earth was I going to find the time and energy to focus on myself while maintaining ALL the things I was already committed to or expected of me?

If I make everything a priority, I’ve made nothing a priority.

The answer was simple… pull back from anything that wasn’t more important than my life.

At that point, I defined my life as Me, Parenting, Marriage, Inner Circle Friends and Family, and Client Work.

Everything and everyone else who needed my attention would go on the waiting list... “Take a number, and I’ll be with you shortly.”

The unfiltered truth.

If I don’t prioritize myself, no one else will because no one can.
If I don’t breathe for myself, no one else will because no one can.
If I don’t nourish myself, no one else will because no one can.

This is deeper than self-care.

This is self-trust.
This is self-respect.
This is self-actualization.

It is my work to see the beauty and significance of myself.
It is my work to use my truth and gifts to engage the world around me.
It is my work to fill the well I draw from to water others.

This has always been my work.

What I learned.

1. I always had the time.

Usually, I’m the person who sends check-in notes to my acquaintances and network, and I love sending invites for coffee chats.

Usually, I make a good effort to be active on social media, write newsletters, and attend networking events.

To make room for my needs, I’d have to change my usual ways. I decided to press the big red stop button with no explanation to anyone about why I was pulling back.

And do you know what happened? Nothing.

No one missed my notes or invites to coffee, lunch or a walk.
No one missed my social media posts, emails or attendance at their events.

Everyone was so busy dealing with their full lives, juggling all the things and barely finding a moment’s peace for themselves, that no one had time to notice. I was relieved.

I realized that, as nice as it was for me to share my energy and attention with others, it wasn’t necessary.

Pulling back my energy showed me where I had available resources that could be redirected to me.

I learned that I had the time I needed to invest in my health and well-being without guilt or judgment, and that effort was truly necessary.

2. Resistance is a sneaky little sh*t.

The pleasure I received from being social was a convincing distraction from my responsibility to myself.

Subconsciously, I knew that caring for myself would require time and energy, and since my life already felt so full, I couldn’t fathom having the energy to also pour into myself.

Once I shifted my perspective from adding another responsibility to my to-do list to reducing that list, I found the energy I needed to do my own work.

3. I am lovable.

I also realized that because I was feeling unhappy with myself, I used distractions to keep my attention away from myself. I felt unlovable, so I chose to love others instead.

It took a year’s worth of work, and I now consciously love and accept myself.

It’s a bizarre feeling at first.
Eventually, I realized this must be how young children feel about themselves. Those sweet children don’t spend any time thinking they’re not enough; they don’t self-criticize.

They are comfortable in their own skin, they believe they are due the same acknowledgment, opportuinties and attention as everyone else, and they naturally shine in their own special ways.

And that right there is how I unlocked a new level of possibility for myself. Through this work, I tore down false limitations, expanded my vision of who I can be, released fears of judgment, and unlocked fun.
My inner child is pleased.

The price I paid.

Because I pulled back my marketing and networking efforts, my business didn’t grow during that year.

However, I did maintain the clients I had, and by redirecting my time and energy towards supporting myself, I showed up with greater capacity, compassion, wisdom and generosity in my client sessions.

Each client got ‘more and better’ from me, because I was sufficiently full.
That’s a price I was happy to pay.

Summing up the effort and compassion required to do the work on myself felt like a heavy price to pay.

There were many difficult months when it seemed like the commitment to the process’t paying off. I would have high hopes for certain protocols, only to have them fall flat of expectation.

I took every failure as information for what needed to happen next and kept going. I learned to be my own cheerleader and to be compassionate when my body wasn’t responding. This part sucked until it didn’t.

As I write this, not every physical concern is sorted yet. Medically speaking, I’ve made important improvements, and my clinicians generously remind me to be proud of the work I’ve done.

Emotionally, I am miles from where I started, and I’m looking forward to what is ahead of me, because now I know it does get better than this.

More rewards.

I learned which of my people are truly invested in me. They made sure to keep in touch, keep me close, and they took time to support me.

It is truly a blessing when the people you love choose to love you back.

My children and marriage also greatly benefited from the investments I made in myself. They got ‘more and better’ from me, too.

I LOVE the way I can show up for my family now… it feels satisfying.

By the end of the year, I was amazed by how relaxed and confident I felt in my own skin. My energy felt brighter, expanded and inspired.

Making space for myself also made space for new ideas, perspectives, and opportunities to be offered to me.

I was thrilled to say “Yes!” to the ones that felt exciting and right for me.

Where I’ve landed.

Not every day is filled with butterflies and rainbows. But most days feel full of potential for something truly exceptional to come my way, and that’s enough.

You may have seen this quote on my website or on social media, and in case you didn’t, I’ll leave it here for you…

“Your opportunity for greatness depends on your belief about what is possible for you.” - Lisa McGrath

I’m not alone.

Many women have said to me, “I know what I need to do for myself, but when will I ever find the time?”

I don’t have a blanket answer for this struggle, though I know it well.
However, I do know that you are more important to the people who love you than you can ever imagine.

Maybe it’s time to tell the truth about what you need.
Maybe it’s time to ask for help.
Maybe it’s time to be the ‘more and better’ you need in your own life.

If what I share connects with you, I invite you to book a call to learn about working with me. This could be the start of something special.