|nothing is lost|

Hiatus break (again)

caudebac — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 02:28:26 GMT

Back, from another long hiatus. My lease is up at the end of March, and I have to decide where I'm going to live after that. With my family, regardless of how that might turn out, or what? I haven't taken my GRE yet, nor gotten my grad school applications in, so I don't even know what graduate school I'm going to. Still, I'm hoping to get in somewhere in San Diego. I think getting out of this state would be a great start for me, force me out of this stupid rut that I'm in, where I just wait tables, and get angry at the general unimportance of my life.

Saw Girl With the Dragon Tattoo a couple weeks ago. Have to be honest, I enjoyed the Swedish version much more, mainly due to the pacing. As much as I love Daniel Craig, the pacing of the movie could use work. There was just a lot of "Here's Blomkvist!" "Now he's here!" without any rhyme or reason why. Maybe I'm just being overly critical. Overall, I enjoyed it -- probably would have enjoyed it more had I not seen the earlier film.

My roommate and I spend all our time watching Big Bang Theory, it seems. We have all the episodes DVR-ed on TBS, along with Mythbusters and the occasional reality show. I'm starting to act like Sheldon. Halp.

Books and Accidents

caudebac — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 20:06:18 GMT

I just reached the Red Wedding scene in the third Song of Ice and Fire book. Suffice to say, I'm going to take a couple day break from the book for a while. It's frustrating to read the books and get so invested in the characters, only to see the ones I like die. Horrifically. Not a condemnation on George R.R. Martin at all, but seriously -- will there ever be a happy ending in this series? I think the best I can hope for is satisfactory.

--

Those who are Facebook friends with me may have seen that I got into a car accident less than a week ago. Not that serious (as no one was hurt), but my little sister and I, in my tiny little Toyota Corolla, were T-boned by an SUV at an intersection. Overall, it's been a little trying between finances, work, and family. My sister and I are alright, thank goodness, but I think I'm still waiting to see how watching an SUV slam into her door affects my 15-year old sister. She's taking it a little too well, if you ask me. It could just be a sense of paranoia and guilt talking, but I don't think that would just roll off my back.

Had I known this would happen, I may have held off on buying the MacBook. As it is, I still enjoy my shiny little laptop.

Times Informational Interview Recap

caudebac — Tue, 24 May 2011 17:05:45 GMT

So I went in today to see the supervisor for the clerks at the Times. First of all, that building has the most confusing elevators for no reason; elevators should just go up and down, that's all. Not any of this, computers tell you which elevator after compiling information about what elevators everyone else wants to take. And what if mid-way, I decide that instead of going to the Culture department on the 4th floor, I want to get a snack on the 15th?

But I digress.

It was a fairly short interview. He reiterated that there were no actual openings, but they are very soon going to be in need of temps, and that most, if not all, their hiring for permanent positions occur in-house. The actual clerical work didn't seem terribly difficult, and a lot of it seemed interesting. Plus it's The New York Times, so I'm sure I'd be interested, somewhat.

He talked about the day Osama bin Laden was shot, and how everyone on staff that night (at 11pm on a Sunday night) had to stay until 5-6 in the morning, temps and permanent staffers alike, just to rework the front page. Otherwise, it seems like a lot of what I do in my internship at the law office (minus the legal writing and the getting yelled at by judges – though that would probably be replaced by getting yelled at by editors), only paid. And while internships are all well and good, the prospect of being paid is pretty nice, especially now that I have a MacBook Pro to pay off.

We met in his office with one of the clerks, a woman who had been there for some time and I think they liked me, but of course, there's no particular way to be sure. I do have to say, my friend seemed to give a very strong endorsement of my abilities and personality (which is its own kind of pressure), and he did see my resume before offering to speak to me, so he at least knew where I was coming from. They also shared that they were in the middle of a situation since a reader of the online Times caught a typo on a photo caption and apparently refreshed the page relentlessly over the course of four hours before the online editors corrected it. What situation this created, I have no idea, but the three of us were in agreement that Relentless!Reader, as he is thus called, probably needs a drink.

(Also, in a more humorous note, I had the same birthday as all the security guards at the desk today. Upon my reasonable disbelief, they all produced IDs proving the fact. I've never met anyone else with my birthday, except for a friend in college who has since gone on to change his sexual orientation twice, and conducts seances and exorcisms at the full moon. Needless to say, I was pretty tickled by the whole thing.)

Afterwards, I met with my friend at her desk in the Culture department, where I took a look at her important layout and headline writing work for the day (an entire spread dedicated to Kung Fu Panda), and stopped by to meet a friend of hers, someone who was fact-checking an article about Rasputin's death, quite furiously. Evidently the offending writer of the article felt that dates weren't entirely important and spanned the course of two centuries with his article.

Long story short – or all that to say – fingers crossed that something will crop up, so I can finally leave the world of customer service behind.

It's Sunday, And Not Raining

caudebac — Mon, 23 May 2011 04:08:11 GMT

Been ages (again), but I'm writing this while catching up on Doctor Who. A lot has changed these past few months. I moved from my parents' big home into a small apartment with no furniture and a lot of beer. (It didn't come that way, but it certainly feels that way.)

Also, I have a MacBook Pro. Doesn't seem like a huge change in my life, but my wallet thinks so. Still, the shininess factor makes up for all that.

I'm taking the LSAT: Take Two this Septober (read: September/October), and currently doing Arabic tutoring classes. Still working at Ruth's Chris, unfortunately, but I've got a meeting with the hiring manager at the New York Times. They're not hiring, but he was impressed by my resume and whatever my friend had to say about me and offered to meet with me to talk about potentially working at the news desk.

Boyfriend (still Jim) was supposed to come down to visit tomorrow, but is coming next week instead. He starts a Calculus class afterwards, so I won't see him for a good while (which I suppose shouldn't irk me as much as it does, since I don't see him much anyway). My guess is, I ought to make friends with people that aren't my roommate.

Overall, it's nice to have my own place and quiet. Now, if I can work on getting ice trays (where does one GET ice trays?), I can truly be happy.

First entry of 2011.

caudebac — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 22:09:14 GMT

Been interning at a litigation firm these days. Really good experience, too. They make their human slaves do a lot of writing and reading, and occasionally we get to attend depositions and mediations with them. A couple weeks ago, I saw my first deposition and tomorrow I get to go to my first mediation. Might not be much, but it's more than I had going for me before.

Also, Ruth's Chris has finally warmed up to me, so I've been finally making money. At the moment, it's still not enough to move out on, but it pays for everything I need paid and then some, and once the season picks up (and NY stops getting pummeled with snow), I should be able to save away a lot.

Still have boyfriend, mother still crazy, my sister still going through angsty puberty, and I got my LSAT score back.

Busy year so far. :D

Another angsty post. (You've been warned!)

caudebac — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 21:16:56 GMT

There's all sorts of banshee screaming about what the piece of shit I am, and how I do not deserve any friends, because only someone truly selfish would call a friend to go out and grab a slice of pizza when she's upset. They've decided to tell me about how all my friends secretly hate me, and I'll probably be dumped sooner or later because my boyfriend will realize that I am utterly useless and add nothing to anyone's life. This is, in fact, every single day. I'm still going through server training (and highly skeptical that I'll even get the job), but there has been no mention of that in this household except to snigger and say, "How's that training going for the job that you'll never get?"

I really can't take it anymore. What's worse is I'm not a minor, I'm a legal adult, so I could leave. I could just take all my stuff and peace out of here but I have nowhere to go, no way to get there, and no job to support myself. But there's only so many months that I can constantly listen to how I'm worthless and stupid and fat and ugly and unlikeable and a colossal failure before I start to get migraines. They can control what I eat, when I eat, where I go, how I leave the house; I am ignored and told to shut up and leave everyone alone on a constant daily basis when I try to start conversation, and told that I should not go out with my friends because I would be inflicting my presence on them as well.

What's worse than that is that I think I'm actually going to get dumped. Which would really suck (beyond how much it sucks to be dumped by someone you love and care about), because my birthday is tomorrow. I have no plans, I don't even have the energy to celebrate my birthday and I love the shit out of celebrating my birthday. It's a day about surrounding myself around friends, people who love me, telling stories and playing games and I don't need to feel shitty or insecure or upset about anything. Except I do feel shitty and insecure. I started a stupid fight with him and I would do anything to take it back, and now I'm going mad because I'm certain I'm getting dumped, and I can't do anything about it, like I can't about being in this godforsaken hellhole of a house.

I thought, when I was in college, all the times I ranted about this place in high school, I must have been emo and obnoxiously angsty. But no, this is just as miserable as I remember being at home being. I have no job, I'm not a full-time student, and even if I were one, I'd be financially dependent on my parents which is the big problem -- I'm tired of them having every little bit of control over me. I just want break free and have something that's mine. A job, a car, a place, anything. Something I can assert control over, and I can't while living here, while I'm surrounded by a mother who is miserable and wants everyone to be as trapped and miserable as her, a sister who suffers from an extreme case of escapism and social apathy, and a father who has admitted that he has no interest in speaking or looking at me because the sight of me makes him sick.

I got a (conditional) job.

caudebac — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 17:36:00 GMT

So, I am conditionally hired as a Server at Ruth's Chris Steak House. Apparently after the paid training time is over, they're going to evaluate whether or not they actually want to hire me; which is kind of nerve-racking. Especially because I'm faking any restaurant experience whatsoever, and this is a really upscale place. -.-

Yesterday was my second day and it was miserable; I was so incredibly out of my element, and I couldn't open the wine bottle. The computer was stupid easy to pick up, but until I study the ten thousand cards of information they give me, I won't be able to be useful whatsoever. I was taught how to make coffee, double espresso, and how to subsequently serve those (my first attempt was, as my trainer said, "kind of horrible.").

It was strange though, my trainers still seemed to like me. They said I was a quick-learner, I was nice, and just suffered from lack of product information and a lot of nerves. I was polite, I never lost my cool, and I did my best to apologize for any mistakes and laugh it off. Also, I apparently flirt. A lot. On the drive home, I was thinking about that, and decided that I'm pretty okay with it.

The way I see this, I'm getting paid minimum wage for training, which is a lot more than I'm getting moping at home alone (and griping on the phone to my boyfriend everyday, which he is thrilled about). Also, if I don't get this gig, I can fake my experience elsewhere and actually do the things I should be able to to do (open a wine bottle!).

So, LJ-ers with server experience: any serving tips?

--

Also. Finally registered for the December 11th LSAT. And still looking for a paralegal gig. Life is hard.

Panic Attack Incoming....

caudebac — Fri, 05 Nov 2010 17:40:06 GMT

We're going to temple tonight. I don't anticipate that I'll see too many people that I grew up with, but everyone will want to know what my parents' oldest daughter is doing with herself lately. Which reminds me of Thanksgiving, which is FULL of people I really don't want to see. People who would (not) joke about me failing out of school, about majoring in Arabic, about liking to write, about not being able to drive, about not being in any Indian clubs on campus, etc.

I really just don't know what to say to them. "Hey, I'm doing a certificate in Arabic at NYU because I was too lazy and didn't apply to actual graduate school, and I'm looking for a job unsuccessfully, while sitting in my parents' house wanting to scream?" Things would be exponentially better if I had a fucking job, a real one, paralegaling or something. Just so I can feel useful, be useful, and get all these people off my back.

I hate not being (actually being, night classes don't count) in school, or employed. Economy's bad, sure, but apparently no one in my family's circle of friends is having any problem, which squarely puts the blame on my shoulders. It's just bullshit; I work hard, I apply for a trillion jobs every single day, and I don't get a fucking thing. There's got to be a lawyer somewhere in New York City or Westchester that needs a little brown girl to work at a desk. There has to be.

Phone Disaster

caudebac — Thu, 04 Nov 2010 23:25:09 GMT

My Blackberry Tour broke today. -.- So, in the Verizon store, after much deliberation, I've decided that while I love my Blackberry, I was going to go a different smartphone option: The Motorola Droid 2.

I hated it for the about the first hour, because I couldn't type well on it or figure out how it worked, and had made plans to take it back to the store -- instead, I think I kind of adore it now. We'll give it a week, see what the verdict is then.

Now, I just need to name it.

Ewan-McGregor Look-alike.

caudebac — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 22:08:05 GMT

I just met a guy that looks like a 20 year-old version of Ewan McGregor, is straight, and is doing NaNoWriMo. AND his name is Jean-Marco.

I kind of want him to be my best friend. Is that bad?

Lawyerly Entry.

caudebac — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 17:57:26 GMT

I love how I can update my Facebook constantly, but when it comes to my Livejournal, I think of exactly what to write -- and never do.

--

Job hunt's going pretty miserably. Temp agencies have been a dud; if I do hear back from them (which has been only twice), it's just been keeping my hopes up for something I never get. I really want to get a job as a paralegal somewhere, but it seems that without the certificate or experience, no one's willing to hire me. Overall, wholly frustrating.

Any lawyer/paralegal-LJers that have any insight on the whole thing?

Also, Law & Order marathon is underway. I've been watching a lot of the UK franchise, now that the Mothership has been canceled. LA, too, a bit -- but I don't think it's that remarkable. And no one there is a Cutter, or McCoy.

Oh, and LSAT date is December 11. I have to start applying for law schools ASAP (according to the parents, who are sick of having me living with them). It's strange though, I feel like I'd have more motivation to work harder if I could just move out, with a decent job. Nothing career-making, but just something to get me my own room, place, and kitchen to pitter-patter in. I'm looking into as many assistant positions in the City, or some stupid office job in the meantime, but it doesn't seem like my resume's catching anything.

Oh well. I should go back to NaNoWriMo-ing. Or Farsi class. (Probably Farsi class.)

/whine.

NaNoWriMo Day 1

caudebac — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 17:45:17 GMT

Not going so well. I have a story idea in mind (a short story I wrote earlier this year, just revamped into a novel), but I have no idea how to start. I'd like to start retyping the entire thing, a la Finding Forester, but I'm worried that it's considered cheating by NaNo rules. -.-

Is anyone else doing a NaNo journal for this year's submissions? I'd love to take a look. I'm briefly considering making one of my own, if anyone would like to read it.

Home, Pretty Clothes, and Important Grown-Up Plans (Maybe)

caudebac — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 20:25:15 GMT

Just moved back home. They're remodeling two of the bedrooms and the contractors are taking way too long, so my sister and I are moved to sleeping on the floor of the dining room. Which is thrilling, to be sure. Adding to that, the jumping spiders in the basement are still here and probably fornicating with all my things (and since the wireless on my laptop seems to work everywhere but my house, I need to sit by the wireless router with an abnormally short ethernet cable within reach of the jumping arachnids.

My friend Jess and her boyfriend John have invited me over to dinner tonight, so at least there's something to look forward to. I think I'll wait to see what the dentist says on Monday about my wisdom teeth coming out before I decide whether or not I'm going to hit up a few temp agencies (Thank you pennydreadful!).

And on a completely separate note, upon loading the car, I noticed a giant Express bag amongst my things. Inside was:

Apparently my adorable (former) housemate, Anna, went back to the store to pick it up for me after I decided I couldn't justify spending 50 dollars on a (cutesy!) top like that. But as for free, I'll certainly settle for free. :D

ETA: I think before I hit up the temp agencies, I'll skip over to the hair salon and get a trim. And I'll have to try to make some new friends in the area. Not sure how or where, but it'd be nice.

Livejournal Name and Account Change

caudebac — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 01:45:58 GMT

Not to double-post, but yes, I am She Who Was Formerly Known As Flameofdeath and now Caudebac (yes, it's spelled wrong). I also have a paid account. And Netflix. Off to find more icons. :)

I might have been very, very, very bored.

Legal Secretary Job?

caudebac — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 01:11:00 GMT

I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to get a job as a legal secretary. Does it require a certificate like paralegals do? I think it might be my ticket to making/saving money and moving out of the house until i figure out what school I'd like to go to (graduate or law school). How does one find a job like that? I hear through temp agencies, but I don't know how they work or anything.

Bleh. Real world. So overrated.

caudebac — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 00:19:29 GMT

I've been devouring the sixth Temeraire book, Tongues of Serpents, and am pleasantly surprised. I expected the series to diminish as time went on (as many series are wont to do), but it only seems to get more entertaining. And of course, the little historical bits are lovely. I've never really thought of what was going on in Australia during the Napoleonic War (though from what it sounds like historically, neither anyone else), and it's interesting to think of how the country descended into a chaos-ridden lawless institution. Kind of like Bloodstone in Fable II.

I'm leaving Binghamton at the end of the month to live at home for a year. It's unsettling, and I don't much like it, but it is the most financially sound plan, and I wouldn't be scrounging around to make rent. Just as well, since I've been "let go" from my sales job before. I've never been particularly fond of retail (much less the high pressure of a luxury gift shop) but I expected that when I hand in a two weeks' notice, the courtesy is returned by actually informing me that you think I'm a P.O.S. that has betrayed you by leaving to go home, and why oh why won't I stay in this decrepit, economically and culturally bust town in order to work for peanuts at your store?

You know, instead of telling everyone else in town that.

I'm not bitter in the slightest.

I am looking for something to occupy me. My LSAT is set in October, as is my GRE, and hopefully my applications will be out and sent before Thanksgiving (because I know my own procrastination best and I know that means I'll send them before Christmas). Books to read, RPGs to play, fics to write, anything.

It would be nice, too, if I had some friends back home. Now that I've been used to having a constant group around me these past four years, it would be strange to going back to live in isolation in my parents' basement with nothing more to do than study, sleep, and read. Maybe a yoga class, or if I found a good beginner's class in belly-dancing (like the one I'm in up here).

I keep saying I'll update this and I don't. Regardless, If anyone is reading this anymore (and I don't expect that you would after this long of an absence), I'll try to update it. You know, again.

caudebac — Sun, 06 Jun 2010 02:11:47 GMT

Wow, it's been a LONG time since I wrote in here.

Well, first off, I graduated from college. Two Bachelor of Arts in English Literature and Arabic Language Studies. So, woo-hoo for that?

Second of all, this Silly Bandz craze? I don't get it. Seriously weird.

caudebac — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 19:42:44 GMT

Well, that was a joke. Broke up with me through email, even though we both agreed we didn't have time for a relationship.

Wow.

fyi: i have a night terror problem.

caudebac — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 01:11:40 GMT

It's upsetting to know that my life is just fodder for the things in my brain to try to kill me with fear. My alarm went off 3 times today. Everytime I tried to open my eyes because of the dream, my eyelids began burning. I couldn't physically get myself out of the dream. I can't ever get myself out of the dreams.

Bus Rides

caudebac — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 00:46:35 GMT

I have terrible motion sickness, and traveling alone seems to exacerbate that. Still, there's never been peace, I think, as watching the night countryside pass by, illuminated by the headlights of all the other cars on the highway. A rough humming of going to wherever it is you're going, and an abdication of responsibility that allows you to just watch. Or sleep.

Fragments. Full of fragments, moments like these. Nonsensical.

Wolves in the walls and angels in the trees, but just muffled lights pretending, yearning to get through, to be seen.

Every moth gravitates toward the candle in the dark. Each light, magnified, and further illuminated by the eerie black that surrounds it.

I'm a social media whore, slave to a laptop, or BlackBerry, or whatever the new convenience is at the moment. Just once, I'd like to see myself toss that away to take a walk in the blissful dark again. Like a blind newborn. Be reborn.

Let's start this over.

caudebac — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 19:38:24 GMT

If anyone gave a horse’s shit about Justice, things like Darfur and that supermodel without fingers and teeth wouldn’t happen. The problem isn’t that people are immune to the Truth, but that they’re completely indifferent to any sense of Justice, any idea of Fairness. Moved into my new house today. It doesn’t lock from the inside. My house is never safer than when I’m not in it.

Mystery Books.

caudebac — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 05:43:59 GMT

Picked up a book at B&N called A Beautiful Blue Death by Charles Finch. So far reading, and it's like an Agatha Christie novel (and I don't mean that insulting at all, I love Agatha Christie). I'd forgotten how much I love mysteries.

Does anyone have any other mystery books to recommend?

caudebac — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 22:04:38 GMT

Got back from Egypt a couple of days ago. It was certainly an experience, overall a wonderful one--even though it took some thought to decide that. I also feel like my Arabic has improved considerably. :)

A bit tired, and residually sick. Been catching up on that Torchwood miniseries, Children of the Earth. I don't know if anyone reading this hasn't gotten a chance to see it yet, but I think it's probably the strongest arcs in the Torchwood/Doctor Who franchise.

Just wanted to get myself into the habit of updating more. Going to try to get some more sleep.

caudebac — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 04:24:36 GMT

So, I've been following the news about Iran pretty consistently, and even did the whole Twitter thing. Now, I understand if you don't want to engage it, I have plenty of friends who said, "Kay, thanks Nita, but I'd rather not," fairly respectfully and I can honestly say that I didn't nag anyone into doing anything and only talked to people who were actually concerned with the issue. But coming to me and saying, "Dude, you know you're not helping anyone, right?"

Yes, I feel like turning my Twitter picture green and following the news extensively. Yes, I try to raise awareness for Darfur, yes, I publicly showed my disdain for Prop 8, and I have opinions about Israel-Palestine. Guess what? I am not trying to force you to think what I think. I am not invading your privacy, nor am I the type that screams from corners about how you're not doing anything for starving children. I'm not making you do anything, don't make me feel like an idiot for doing what I can, doing what I want to do.

[/end rant]

So, Professors Lacey and Gomma managed to contact Alexandria University and secured a program for us there, so we don't waste our airline tickets. It's just 300 dollars more than we would have paid at Delta, and even with money being tight, my family and I can still recognize this being RIDICULOUSLY cheap for 5 weeks. So, I'm going to Alexandria! The one city I've always wanted to visit!

Excited!

caudebac — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 01:14:51 GMT

They cancelled the Egypt trip due to swine flu. I cannot tell you how upset this has made me, not to mention, it fucks over my schedule for next semester because I had signed up for the next class as this would have taken care of Advanced I & II.

Fucking swine flu.

Now I need a job. Maybe I'll move up to Binghamton early and get one.