THE CAPTAIN

life starts now.

captainz — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 21:30:59 GMT

For those unique individuals still hanging around livejournal...

This is my farewell. As of today, I will no longer update this journal. I've had this since freshman year, so it's only fitting that I quit this "college journal" at the end of my college career. It's been fun, sad, frustrating, manic, depressing, and crazy. After this semester I'm cutting ties from things that have hurt me over the past few years and this past year. There is no need to relive anything that nearly killed me. Thanks for the memories, but you can keep them. Maybe they will bring more joy to you than they bring for me. I truly wish you all the very best in life.

WISH LIST

captainz — Tue, 07 Nov 2006 01:25:35 GMT

So I have nowhere else to put this, so I figured I'd put it here.

1. iMac G5
2. Longer lens for my Nikon d50
3. A tripod for my camera
4. A new mp3 player (either a Microsoft Zune, iAudio x5, Cowan A2)
5. New conte crayons
6. "The Tent" by Margaret Atwood (or anything else I don't have by her)
7. A T-square for cutting
8. A cutting mat

More to be added periodically. Feel free to send donations to:
Stephanie Zilles
502 East Lamar Alexander Parkway
Maryville, TN 37804

Yeah.

captainz — Thu, 02 Nov 2006 00:15:37 GMT

You know how something bad happens to you in the morning, and then bad things just keep coming the rest of the day? Yep, I've had one of those days.

#1 Called my mom to ask her if she got my message about medco, only to have her tell me that my dog is dying. I've had this dog since I was in 5th grade. I cried a little.
#2 Lost one of my Reef flip-flops. Grrr.
#3 Had to do laundry.
#4 Forgot to look outside before heading to the laundry room. It's raining. Beautiful.
#5 Got an email from my thesis advisor, with a few surprise things that I needed to add to my thesis (about 5 pages worth of surprises).
#6 Stomach hurts all day.
#7 Forgot to go get laundry. It's still in there as I type this.
#8 Stepped in way too many deep wet puddles in flip-flops. Probably going to get sick.
#9 Lame-ass dinner.

But alas, one must always remember the good parts of one's day.

#1 Finished thesis. Going to print it out tomorrow and have it ready to turn in to the editor by Monday.
#2 Finished my report for Creative Writing yesterday, which means I didn't have to worry about it today.
#3 Got the cutest shoes while shopping at Cato with my Roomie and Rachael.
#4 Dinner wasn't that bad. The spaghetti was actually pretty good.

Mmm, whatever. I still haven't recovered from the play. I still feel like I'm running around with my head cut off. And we watched "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" last night and it got me thinking about religion and mental illness again, which is one aspect of my senior thesis. The way the movie is, I question whether I could be susceptible to possession. I already have two very extreme versions of myself inside my head, so I don't really have room for any more. But it's interesting. I prayed last night that I wouldn't wake up at 3AM. Somehow I know that even if a bad spirit did try to mess with me, that I have a very good one (Corey) on my side. Movies like this make me feel bad for watching them. They make me fear, not God, but the scary parts of religion. Sometimes I feel like I might become possessed just by watching something like this. But that's silly.

Isn't it?

William the Conqueror

captainz — Thu, 26 Oct 2006 02:07:51 GMT

Lots of stuff has been happening. Lots of good stuff.

EVERYONE NEEDS TO COME SEE ALICE IN WONDERLAND!!

(Because I'm a bitchy mouse and it's funny.)

Thursday-Saturday at 8PM
Saturday and Sunday at 2PM

Tickets are free for all you MC people. Thanks peeps.

ALMOST sorry for the pic spam, but not really.

captainz — Tue, 26 Sep 2006 19:55:26 GMT

I could not stop laughing while taking these pictures on iMac's Photobooth. John Newman randomly showed me this new feature and I totally wasted 30 minutes of my life fooling around with it.

Reason #582 why I want a Mac: Photobooth

I seriously want one so bad. I cannot even begin to count the ways. I'm effing sick of PCs. Macs are just way freaking cooler, as I've illustrated below:

OTHER NEWS:

- Being in the FAC today made me really miss it. Every person has that one building they spend their lives in, and mine is that messed up piece of junk across from Wilson Chapel.
- I'm never camping in the rain again. Never ever.
- I get to see my mom on Thursday. This = elation.
- The future in-laws get to meet this weekend. This = scary. But it will/should be fun, as long as my dad doesn't make a fool of himself, and as long as my parents refrain from fighting.
- Beck is my new favorite artist. Love him.
- I am a mouse in "Alice in Wonderland." As excited as I am to be in another show, it's filled with freshmen and not as fun as Little Shop. It's also at the very bottom of my list right now, so that doesn't help much with concentration levels.
Mouse face:

- It's almost October, wtf?

Fin.

T-TR

captainz — Thu, 31 Aug 2006 22:51:12 GMT

Semi-annual summation of classes!

01] SCI350 - Conservation Biology. If you'll remember, I skipped out of this same class (SCI150) when I was a sophomore. I knew I would be going into it all nervous, but I also knew that I've grown up and have learned a lot since then. I didn't stress out during the class, I actually understood what Dr. Cash was talking about, and it wasn't bad at all. Dr. Cash is awesome and I'm really excited to have him. He has an intense passion for his field, which always makes things more fun. And there's way cool people in there like Rachael, Thomas and Geoffrey. So it won't be so bad. Save for the work.

02] BUS201 - Principles of Management. I love Dr. Sullivan. She is so energetic and funny. I am one of two seniors in the ginormous class and one of only a handful of girls. But I wasn't worried at all, but I'm a senior, and just because I don't have any friends doesn't mean I can't take anything out of the class. I can tell, though, that we have a lot of dumb freshmen and sophomore boys that are going to disrupt the class. If they could only look at themselves from a distance and see how retarded they act.

03] Convocation - not a class, but I went today. It's weird that exactly four years ago we were all sitting in the seats we passed today. We were the freshmen, looking up at the seniors and thinking, "I'll never make it." I feel so old. And I whooped for my grandfather, which was awesome :)

04] ENG214 - Creative Fiction Writing. Another class with Trevathan. I like him a lot, but he always adds so much crap to his classes. Let's just write, for crying out loud. Shaun Freaking O'Malley is in that class, so that'll be a blast. And there's one really annoying girl (already!) who made a fuss about reading her own work in front of the class. WTF? I think I'm going to write about her for our first assignment. Haha.

And seriously, I have so much WRITING to do this semester. NOT EXCITED. Papers for both science and business, and TWO 2,000-5,000 word papers for creative writing. Good thing all my writing for thesis is done. Sheesh. These classes are going to be rough, which is why I'm putting in my 2 weeks notice tomorrow at work. I need to focus on school, so that, I don't know, I can graduate in the spring. So goodbye NSP! Good riddance!

Girls, you should read this.

captainz — Sat, 26 Aug 2006 23:43:47 GMT

To every girl that desses cute not skanky.
To every girl who wants to be called beautiful not hot.
To every girl that will spend her whole day looking for the perfect present for you.
To every girl who gets her heart broken because he chose that bitch instead.
To every girl that would die to have a decent boyfriend.
To every girl who would just like once to be treated like a princess.
To every girl that cries at night because of another heartbreak.
To every girl that wont get down on her knees and open her mouth just to get a boyfriend.
To every girl that just wants to hold hands.
To every girl that kisses him with meaning.
To every girl who just wishes he cared more.
To every girl who would just once want a guy to give their jacket up when they are cold.
To every girl who just wants him to call.
To every girl who lies awake at night thinking about him.
To every girl that just wants to cuddle.
To every girl that just wants to sleep with him without having sex.
To every girl that is SCARED to put her heart out there again because she has been HURT too many times or so badly.
To every girl who shows how much she cares and gets nothing back.
To every girl that thought maybe this one could be the one.
To every girl that laughs at stupid stuff when she actually doesnt think it is funny.
To every girl who is just looking for that one and only and is having a rough time along the way.
To every girl that has been cheated on because shes not a whore.
To every girl that doesnt want a guy who just plays with her emotions but actually cares about how she feels.
To every girl who wants words backed up with actions.
To every girl that fell for all the lies only to find themselves alone in the end.
To every girl that gave her heart away to have it shoved back in her face.

*If you are a nice girl comment as: "I am this girl."
*If you are a guy that thinks every girl should try to think about even
a few of these things comment as "I am looking for this girl."
*If your a guy thats taken write "I have this girl."

booger.

captainz — Wed, 23 Aug 2006 04:15:39 GMT

Write ten statements, intended for different people. Never tell which one is to who; Write the things you've always wanted to tell them.

01] "You may think you're fooling some people, but I know what's going on." I wish you would be true to yourself. I wish you would trust yourself and trust those around you and embrace everything you truly are. People will love you more for being honest than living lie. It's hard to be friends with someone who won't tell you things--important things. Isn't that what friendship is about? Admitting struggles and working through them with those that want nothing more than to help you. I can't imagine what it's like for you right now. I can't imagine dealing with so much without any support. I'm here when you're ready. Until then, stop acting like something you're not.

02] You will never read this. Mostly because you could care less what's going on in my life. You haven't cared for years. I am no longer important to you. Perhaps somewhere, in the back of your mind, you still love me and think of me and wonder where your life went. But upfront it's all about that one all-encompassing medication. The stuff that makes you stupid and forgetful. Nothing matters anymore but that. All you want to do is get lost inside fermented wheat. You've been gone a long time. I'm so angry with you all the time. I look at you and pity you. I've given up all hope of saving you. And yet I want nothing more than to have you back.

03] I don't know what happened to us. One minute we were best friends and the next we were just...us. I don't know what I did and I know that even if I asked you wouldn't tell me because that's the way that you are. It's okay that you have a new best friend and I understand if you don't want me anymore; I just wish I knew why. I miss you. I miss that awesome bond we used to have. Sometimes it sprouts back up, and at those times I have hope. But it's short-lived, and I'm stuck without knowing what to do to help us get better. I'm really honestly lost without you. You've helped me through my roughest times. I only wish I could have done more for you.

04] I can't stand being around you and your sister. When you guys are together the world goes to shit. I love you both to death but seriously, knock it off. Grow up. Stop pitching a fit if I don't want to drive forever to watch you get drunk with your new friends. And you wonder why I never answered my phone...

05] I can't believe you. I thought you were nice. A little quirky, but a genuinely nice guy. We went to dinner once. It was a little awkward but it was okay. And all this time, if I only knew what you were up to. How could you do that to her? How could you take advantage of her? "I want you to know what it's like." OMG I could kill you. I have lost all respect for you. I saw you earlier this summer and wanted so bad to punch you right in the mouth. My mom still thinks you're a nice guy. I don't have the heart to tell her otherwise.

06] You are crazy. After all these years you're still so...weird. We were never friends. I had a crush on your best friend. How much does that suck, knowing I couldn't do anything about it cuz you were all over me? And then when we get back in touch you act like we've been buddy-buddy for so long. Oh, but here's the kicker--we haven't. Sure, I feel bad for the stuff that I put you through, but it's not like I scarred you for life. And what's with freaking out about losing touch with you again? That was the stupidest thing I've ever experienced. Getting yelled at for losing touch with someone who isn't even my friend. I don't know about you. I really don't.

07] I wish I could find you again. You were lost to me three years ago and I feel like that was completely unecessary. Why haven't we contacted each other? We used to hang out all the time. I've never laughed so hard as when I was with you, making stupid trash sculptures and drawing stick figures. We went to football games and sat next to each other at lunch. And then we graduated. I haven't talked to you since. I searched on facebook for you (how ridiculous is that?) but you haven't fallen into that trap yet. I have no idea what you're up to. We were such good friends.

08] I miss you a lot. I don't know what I'm going to do this year without you. I'm completely lost when it comes to everything technical about this stupid discipline, and now I've gone and lost the only person who can explain stuff to me. I felt so safe when you were here, like no matter what happened I could always count on you to fix it for me. And you were amazing at what you did. I marvelled at your skill and inspiration and how you put so much of yourself into your work. I only wish I could be as talented as you.

09] I don't know how you got so lucky. Your stuff is bland, unoriginal, and without inspiration. It's retarded. And yet everytime they liked your stuff the best. And you're annoying. You come off as "I don't know why they picked me and not you..." when really you're thinking "haha you suck." Well you know what? YOU suck.

10] I know that we had our little riff in the past, but after everything that's happened I still don't like you. I think you put a bad name on people like yourself. You are WAY too into your rebellion. And you're such a little bitch! "If you don't like me then get a new hobby." Come on. There is a fine line between not caring what people think of you and just plain pissing everyone off for the hell of it. And for the record, I think the way you decorated your house is hideous.

I'm sleeping in my new bed tonight in Beeson. It's kinda weird, but I like it. I'm anxious for this year to start. It should be a great time, but there's just so much to do. And then, like that, it all ends.

Stolen from Melissa

captainz — Tue, 15 Aug 2006 15:13:01 GMT

Your Birthdate: January 29

You have the mind of an artist, even if you haven't developed the talent yet.
Expressive and aware, you enjoy finding new ways to share your feelings.
You often feel like you don't fit in - especially in traditional environments.
You have big dreams. The problem is putting those dreams into action.

Your strength: Your vivid imagination

Your weakness: Fear of failure

Your power color: Coral

Your power symbol: Oval

Your power month: November

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

I am in Michigan. The weather is beautiful. I get to sleep in and not have plans and just chill. Exactly what I've wanted all summer. And, when I arrived on Sunday, I had an awesome camera waiting for me. Thanks for everyone's support with that, I really did make the right decision, and I'm so very happy. I can take 600 pictures on one memory card, and if you don't think I'm capable of that, think again :) Examples of my first round to come soon.

captainz — Wed, 09 Aug 2006 15:41:04 GMT

GO!!!!!!!

AH!

captainz — Tue, 08 Aug 2006 20:31:32 GMT

OMG OMG OMG

I just bought a camera. And not just any camera. A Nikon D50.

I immediately regret this decision. I mean, I have no idea what I just did. I'm crazy.

Pros:
I get to learn photography and take awesome pictures.
The camera will last me a long time; it'll never go out of style.
I got a lens, a 1 GB memory card, and all the accessories for less than if I bought it in the store.

Cons:
It cost me over half of my paycheck.
It's big, so it'll be hard to "make memories" randomly throughout the year.
It's has so many functions on it, I feel like I'll never learn or use any of them. So I would've paid for them for nothing.

Somebody please reassure me that I made the right decision. I've been planning and researching this since April, and this is the outcome of all my hard work. Please have confidence in me.

It was sent to MI in hopes that it will come while I'm at home. I can't wait to go. I need my mother and my sister. And my dog. I miss animal contact.

Let's get started...

captainz — Thu, 27 Jul 2006 16:30:57 GMT

Have you seen the new Dell commercial? The one at the factory...

The music is so BRILLIANT in that commercial. It makes me so happy.

If you go here and click on the banner it will pop up and you can listen to the song for as long as you want. If anyone knows how to capture that song so that I can have it I would be eternally grateful.

Endorphin releasers besides this song:

} Sleeping in today and tomorrow
} Only one day of work left this week
} Going to Nashville and bringing gifts
} Running
} The World Series of Pop Culture on VH1
} Dancing
} Accomplishing whatever
} Taking medicine regularly
} Getting a full night's rest
} The thought of Subway for lunch...

feeling better, thanks

captainz — Tue, 25 Jul 2006 23:53:22 GMT

Stolen from a floozy with nice legs ;)

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Stephanie D Zilles
Birthday:	End of January
Birthplace:	Fremont (Freeeemont, not Fruhmont)
Current Location:	Maryville
Eye Color:	Dishwater brown
Hair Color:	Dark brown
Height:	an intimidating 5'3"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	left
Your Heritage:	german, german, swiss, welsh, cherokee, german
The Shoes You Wore Today:	new balances
Your Weakness:	food
Your Fears:	talking to strangers, drowning
Your Perfect Pizza:	bacon and green peppers on Hungry Howie's garlic butter crust
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	be happy with my body
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	haha
Thoughts First Waking Up:	whoa, shouldn't have hit the snooze
Your Best Physical Feature:	depends on who you ask ;)
Your Bedtime:	anywhere from 1030 to 1130
Your Most Missed Memory:	corey
Pepsi or Coke:	blah
MacDonalds or Burger King:	macdonalds
Single or Group Dates:	both are fun, but i would choose a single date
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	neither
Chocolate or Vanilla:	milk chocolate and french vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:	yuck
Do you Smoke:	nope
Do you Swear:	too much
Do you Sing:	all the time
Do you Shower Daily:	nope
Have you Been in Love:	yes!
Do you want to go to College:	not really
Do you want to get Married:	definitely
Do you belive in yourself:	beLIVE in myself, eh?
Do you get Motion Sickness:	yes, it's terrible. i can't ever read in a car, so I sleep instead and everyone wonders why I'm so quite in a car
Do you think you are Attractive:	sometimes
Are you a Health Freak:	nope
Do you get along with your Parents:	yes i do. i just don't like one of them
Do you like Thunderstorms:	i LOVAH them
Do you play an Instrument:	i dabble...piano, guitar, jazz flute
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	maybe...?
In the past month have you Smoked:	nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	yes!
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	gag uh no
In the past month have you been on Stage:	no
In the past month have you been Dumped:	no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	no
Ever been Drunk:	yes, quite entertaining
Ever been called a Tease:	not to my face
Ever been Beaten up:	dani's tried
Ever Shoplifted:	ah ha! I did steal some Cheetos from Isaac's this morning. It was awesome
How do you want to Die:	natural causes or very dramatic. nothing inbetween
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	sane
What country would you most like to Visit:	italy
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	blue
Favourite Hair Color:	brown
Short or Long Hair:	short
Height:	6'5 and then some
Weight:	perfect to wrap my arms around
Best Clothing Style:	rolled up button ups :)
Number of Drugs I have taken:	too many to count
Number of CDs I own:	lots and lots
Number of Piercings:	5
Number of Tattoos:	0
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	not too many
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

captainz — Sun, 23 Jul 2006 20:56:19 GMT

i hate being crazy.

captainz — Thu, 13 Jul 2006 15:52:42 GMT

I'm full of guilt today. And my body is full of stress and exhaustion. This busy summer has finally caught up with me. Two jobs are sucking the life out of me. I don't have time to catch up with anything or anyone. I've let down a person I love because I can't handle myself.

I had to close my bank account and start a new one because of the idiot that "bought" my camera, and I had to report him to the police, who told me they couldn't do anything because he was out of state and the camera was only $250.

Even though that mess is finally over, I have to wait 7-10 days until my new debit card comes. So essentially, I'm broke.

And I'm beating myself up for saying yes to extra hours at NSP. What was I thinking? Why can't I say no? They want me to start answering phones, they keep getting on to me about it, and yet no one is taking the time to teach me. So that's stressful, too. And I can't explain things to them or my boss at MC because I don't want anyone to think that I'm weak due to my disease. I don't want them to think I'm just making excuses. If I had cancer, they might understand. But bipolar is still taboo and not many people really understand the toll it can take on your body and mind.

I'm just so tired. Even if I do get a break this weekend, I'll have given up the chance to meet some of the most important people in Thomas's life. And I feel terrible about that.

My only salvation this week has been his understanding and my mother. I love my mom so much and all I want to do is go home and not worry about things and hang out with her and Dani and just chill.

I have no other words.

Can life get any better? I submit that it CANNOT!

captainz — Thu, 06 Jul 2006 01:08:04 GMT

I just came back from a most excellent vacation in Nashville. I had one of the best fourth of July celebrations on record, and I got to spend time with not only Thomas, but his family, new puppy, and other friends from Maryville and beyond. It was a blast.

On my way back I realized that the soundtrack to Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest came out yesterday, so I went and bought it -- my first cd purchase in who knows how long. Generally, it's amazing. For anyone who knows anything about movie scores, you'll already know that Hans Zimmer, who took over the music this time around, is FREAKING AWESOME. He did a wonderful job creating an all-new score with hints of the old music in it. There's a fantastic little waltz stuck in with all the heavy brass and low winds, as well as an awesome bar tune for Tortuga. The random "Bonus Track," which is this weird techno remix of some of the music...is retarded. Gah. Way to make me waste my money on THAT track. Sheesh. But listening to it makes me so excited to see it ON FRIDAY WITH ASHLEY WHO IS AMAZING AND IS TURNING 21 WOOT!

I'm only working 2 days this week for each job, though I have to work at NSP on Saturday which SUCKS like whoa but oh well. I'm excited this summer is going by so fast, because I'm so excited for the fall and living with everyone again like the old days.

My love goes out to my sister and Jess, who are both having a rough time right now, as well as Thomas, who receives constant love from me anyway but it never hurts to remind him. You could just die from the mush, couldn't you? ;)

AND I couldn't resist.

Stephanie Dawn Zilles's Aliases

Your movie star name: Cheetos Sheridan

Your fashion designer name is Stephanie Rome

Your socialite name is Steffie Lansing

Your fly girl / guy name is S Zil

Your detective name is Tiger DeWitt

Your barfly name is Brownie White Russian

Your soap opera name is Dawn Tucker

Your rock star name is Snickers Escalator

Your Star Wars name is Stegen Ziltho

Your punk rock band name is The Happy Muff

The Amazing Meganame Generator

Don't stop till you get enough.

captainz — Thu, 29 Jun 2006 02:41:54 GMT

01] I can't wait to get paid so I can blow it all on a digital camera. I'm so sick of bad photography and so excited to finally have the equipment to do something I love.

02] There's this commercial on TV for ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals...or something like that) and everytime I watch it I absolutely DIE. Betty is the most amazing dog I've ever seen in my life and that 30-second spot makes me want to donate my entire and future earnings to that society. Talk about good advertising.

03] I found 16 cents vaccumming today in Carnegie. Amazing. It made the day somehow better. Because cleaning that mother was such a biotch.

04] This really sweet Asian girl randomly came into my room tonight looking for a phone. I had no idea what she was talking about. I know this is the part where I should say "I wish I knew more foreign languages" but really I'm thinking "Everyone should learn English." Don't get on to me about this; my mind will never change.

05] I hate ticks. I hate the THOUGHT of ticks. I do not ever want a tick on my body. If I find one, I'm going to die from heart palpatations. There's no stopping it.

06] This has been the best summer ever. Many parts of it still suck, but overall, it's been kickass.

07] I want to dance like there's no tomorrow.

08] Next year is going to be so fucking awesome.

09] I'm sorry for all the swearing. In this and previous posts.

10] I love my sister a lot. I miss her a lot as well. And I worry about her a lot. But mostly, I love her.

11] I love Thomas, too. But you already knew that ;)

12] This is the number on my softball jersey from 2nd grade (?) The front says "Jax Building Supply." People always give me funny looks when they first see this shirt, and I still don't know why.

Sometimes, you just gotta let it out.

captainz — Thu, 22 Jun 2006 20:25:01 GMT

I wanna apologize for this.

I wanna know what your FUCKING problem is. Why, after 8+ months, are you still so bitter? What is it that's stuck up your ass? You have someone else now. Any normal person would see that they've lost two very awesome friends and would really make an effort to gain them back instead of just saying they will. Though I guess that's what our relationship was like, huh? A lot of talk and no action.

And don't you dare get on to me about how hurt you are from all that. That is BULLSHIT. I am so scarred over our relationship that it's affecting the one I'm in now. I can't trust him sometimes, I'm worried about him always being in a bad mood. I freak out when he doesn't tell me things that would normally be so trivial. But thanks to YOU and the damage that you caused, I am paranoid. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of you telling everyone that YOU were the one who got hurt and torn apart, like I cheated on you.

I fought for you for so long, I WAITED for you for so long. How did you repay me? You flirted with other girls, you never gave me a direct answer, you disappointed me time after time. What else was I supposed to do? I was tired of waiting for your sorry ass.

And now that I'm in a better relationship I can see just how pathetic I was to stick with you for so long. You, who flirts with girls, waiting for that one with just low enough self-esteem that you can snatch her up, make her feel all special for a month or so, and then spit in her face and make her feel like shit for the rest of the relationship. Do you know that I have not had a bout of depression since SEPTEMBER of 2005? Everytime I got depressed in the past two years, it's been because of our relationship. I didn't feel like you really cared for me (you never showed it), I didn't feel like I was good enough for you.

But now I'm the happiest I've ever been. I'm with someone who has never made me cry, who I've never sat up for during the night, waiting for a phone call. He's never changed plans on me, never said "I'm just too tired" or "I have too much homework to do" when I wanted to hang out. He bought me my favorite flower a week after we started dating. When did you ever finally listen to me? AFTER we broke up. And I never realized that I could date a guy who wouldn't tease me, who wouldn't say smart-ass comments to me in front of my friends, who wouldn't yell at me for touching his fucking head.

You are one self-centered sonofabitch. As long as you have a girl around, you're safe. You don't actually have to BE with the girl and make her feel loved, you just need her to say "look, I have a girlfriend. In your face." And to think I thought you had changed! Nope, still the same old frustrating, doesn't-make-an-effort, lazy ass.

So tell me what your problem is. Tell me why the FUCK you still can't be friends with us. Too damaged? Still in love? Whatever it is, GET OVER IT. Because your immature attitude is pissing me off. I'm about to rip your Goddamned balls off and feed them to the fucking fishes. I'm so sick of your shit.

And for CHRIST'S SAKE, stop treating her like you treated me. She deserves so much better than that.

words of wisdom from an old fart

captainz — Wed, 21 Jun 2006 17:08:33 GMT

Below is a letter I received from a wonderful woman whom I met during KT week last week. I thought her advice was worth sharing.

Dear Stephanie,

In case you haven't had enough words to ponder as you go through life, I'd like to give you a few more (because you're such a lovely girl, and I am an old fart who has made the journey, and still needs more words to ponder. So here you are my dear.

1. "They" (whomever "they" are) say to follow your heart, but beware that your heart can also deceive your intellect.

2. Never make important life decisions one week before or after your period (mark your calendar).

3. Treat your life as if you are the president of it, and it is your corporation. Always have a plan B for yourself, and do what is good for you without losing sight of the people around you; and do not let the people around you make decisions for you (but do listen to them in case there is something worth learning from them).

4. When your heart says to avoid something, do exactly that -- do not allow yourself to give a second chance to a person or a situation that does not feel right for you at the very moment you feel is.

5. Stay away from party animals, unless they are over 50 and attend Kin Takahashi week :).

6. Remember that when you fall down you will always get back up, regroup and try again. (This will happen often, and when we least expect it--it's supposed to, sadly enough).

7. Surround yourself with people who are practicing healthy lifestyles.

8. Take CPR and first aid -- you may need to save someone someday.

9. On matters of love (Take it or leave it!): Good luck! Do not be needy. First become independent, self-sufficient and know what you want in life and go for it. Once you become esablished and content with yourself and your career, then think of enhancement rather than neeed. A love should be there because you want him in your life, not because you "need" him. If he becomes jealous or possessive, dump his ass fast. This is unhealthy.

Lastly: Embrace physical and mental fitness everyday.

I wish I would have met her sooner, but I cannot say that I regret anything from the past year and a half. And as far as matters of love go...

I don't "need" Thomas. He's my best friend, and I'm planning on hanging out with him for the rest of our lives :)

(:

captainz — Fri, 02 Jun 2006 01:15:18 GMT

I'm sitting here, waiting for Thomas. My right hand has broken out into a cold sweat and I don't know why. The Princess Bride is on AMC, so naturally I'm watching it.

I'm bored out of my mind. Somehow I don't think this will change throughout the summer. I want to read, but I just can't will myself to do that. I should work on thesis, but yeah right. At least I have comfortable shoes.

My new job is...interesting. Today we moved all the furniture out of the rooms in Gamble. Hopefully the heaviest lifting we'll have to do all summer. The people I work with are pretty cool. I'm trying my best to find something NOT annoying about Michelle Watkins, but whatever. NSP is much better now that it's old news. Apparently another MCer started there and I love her to death so that will be cool.

Just got off the phone with my sister, who said:

"Tell Thomas I love him too! He's gonna be my future brother-in-law!"

Made me smile way big.

captainz — Thu, 04 May 2006 18:53:29 GMT

To Jonathan Howe and all his Jesus-loving freaks,

There are no words for my disappointment in you. Rather than being a loving Christian, you decided to corner me about my faith. Rather than getting to know me as a person, you choose to rip straight out of me whether or not I was saved, whether or not I "know Jesus." How dare you delve into something so personal as one's faith before you even know them. I cannot begin to describe how terrible you made me feel as a person by making me feel guilty for swearing, for not going to church every Sunday, for being sarcastic in printmaking.

Is this what you do to people? Wait till you have them alone and then act greater than thou, attempting to take God's matters into your own hands? I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure God would have a problem with you making people feel guilty about their faith rather than loving them for who they are. My faith is personal, and the last thing I want to do is get into a discussion about religion with someone so close-minded they won't even listen. Even worse is you prying into my religious life just to see if I'm worthy of heaven or not.

You can take your Bible and shove it up your ass, because while you are tearing people apart for not being a "good Christian" like you, I will be hugging them.

Peace be with you.

sigh.

captainz — Tue, 02 May 2006 01:46:15 GMT

I itch all over. It's been like this since mid-last week. I can't find a rash. My detergent hasn't changed. My legs have been dry but aren't anymore. I don't understand. But it's driving me CRAZY.

I've been thinking about livejournal lately, and have realized I've slowly been weening myself off of it. I've deleted nearly all of the communities I'm involved with and am more concerned with facebook than I am with updating this. I just don't see the point in it anymore. I'm happy. I don't see the point in a lot of stuff these days.

One of Thomas's roommates passed away 2 weeks ago in a car accident. I didn't believe Thomas when he told me. I didn't want to believe. I didn't want to believe that death was choking me again. I'm not going to lie - I didn't like the kid. He creeped me out and was weird beyond reason. So I have a lot of guilt for our relationship when he was alive. I wasn't mean to him, but I never gave him a chance. It's a horrible way for a lesson to be learned, but now I know the true meaning of the Golden Rule. Just be personable.

JC's death brought Thomas and I even closer than we already were. And it broke down walls between Michael and I. I think I'm even closer to Josh and Buddy now. It's crazy how death works out like that. But I'm thankful for those that I have.

Beyond that I had a great time at Spring Fling, though it's really weird not going with the other girls. We've grown apart this year and it's really sad to me, so hopefully next year will rekindle all our friendships.

Recently (like, just 10 minutes ago) I finished a book called "The Death of Vishnu" for World Cultures. It was amazing. I highly recommend it. Like almost up there with Margaret Atwood. I love random endings to chapters and books. It makes you think.

I still don't know what I'm going to do this summer. Sara said I could live with her and Chris in their awesome apartment, but I'd be stuck with a crappy job and no Thomas. I want to go to Nashville. I want to get this design job. I want the experience. But we'll see.

That's all. I'll see you in another month or so.

captainz — Fri, 31 Mar 2006 14:40:04 GMT

I don't know what to write. I don't know how to express how I feel. I'm angry, hurt, and disappointed. Fragments of cursing and crying are running through my head. And at the same time I am completely shocked, without words, without knowing what to do or say.

Everything has changed.

Don't ever try to lecture or rationalize something that you've never experienced. You're just going to piss off a lot of people.

It's gggRRREAT!

captainz — Mon, 13 Mar 2006 04:22:23 GMT

I'm so very tired. But in the most excellent way possible.

I haven't updated in forever, but that's because I felt no need to. I don't have anything to complain or preach about, and life is going so very well. This weekend was fabulous. I love that Thomas and I never get sick of spending time together. We got to fall asleep together, watch a sunset, play darts, watch stars, play poker, go to church, play night volleyball, and watch one of our all-time favorite childhood movies together. It's amazing.

But enough of that happy mush. Classes are great. Painting is pissing me off, but so did drawing. My internship is fun but it takes up so much time. WRC is interesting but not for a full 1 hour 15 minutes. Thesis is gonna be great once I get passed all the stupid proposal stuff.

About that: I'm going to be creating a series of posters that deal with depression and suicide--their stigmas and stereotypes--as well as the link between them and creativity. I'm excited. I'm finally focusing on my goals with all my experiences. It started with a movie trailer in high school, and a postcard project last year, and now a gallery show that so many people will see. I want to help just one person. I don't even have to know that I've helped them.

But yeah, things are great. I'm exhausted, which is perfect timing because Spring Break is almost here. Thursday night Thomas and I will be headed to Florida, where we will be spending a fabulous week at the beach with his awesome grandma--going to Sea World, Universal Studios, and Pleasure Island. It's gonna be way awesome. And hot. It's been hot here lately, and I'm not used to it. It's weird going from 40 to 80 in three or so days.

Anyway, life is good. And I love you.

Spring 06

captainz — Sat, 04 Feb 2006 19:30:12 GMT

I'm slacking on my usual first-day-of-the-semester updates. Anyway:

MW
01] Painting. That's it. And it's not until 2. And it's gonna be hard. And expensive. But Carl transformed me into a drawing artist 2 years ago, so hopefully he'll work his magic on me again and make me a painter. I certainly hope so. This class goes until 450PM, which drives me crazy, especially when art professors ramble. I've decided something about outgoing artists--they want you to know everything they know. It's not about upstaging anyone, it's just a matter of sharing knowledge. Of telling you everything that they didn't learn in school, so that you won't make mistakes, even though we all know that mistakes are inevitable. But anyway...I'm rambling.

I also tried contacting Artie and John about my internship and they haven't called me back. Whatever, I'm fine with 12 hours right now. We'll see what happens.

TR
01] World Cultures. There are tons of people in this class, which is always awkward. But there are good people in that class. It's gonna be like my only reading class so I'm not too worried about the workload. Pennington seems real cool, and he tells good stories, which is always a plus with professors. Carl rambles about stuff he knows, Pennington rambles about his adventures with cows in India. It's a fair trade.

02] Printmaking. I was a little worried about this class, but it's going to be so much fun. Mary, John, Trevor, Jonathon and myself, all art majors in one awesome class with Mark Hall. It was a blast hanging out with them, and it will be for the rest of the semester. I'm excited. It's gonna be hard as well, because for the life of me I cannot think in reverse (as in relief art...nevermind, no one knows what I'm talking about), but it'll be a good time.

F
01] Thesis. Lord help me, I have no idea what I want to do. I told Mark I wanted to make a website, but that's not what I really want to do. I want to explore all the media I've worked with over the years, and do something more creative than something on a computer screen. Non-artisans don't really appreciate websites, but they may just think big ole collages of art is kinda cool. I just want to make a mess. That should be my lead for thesis--making a mess. I don't know...

Anyway, it's REALLY hard to get back into the groove of things. Not having homework since mid-December takes a toll on the brain. I have no motivation. All I want to do is hang out and have fun and sleepover and not worry about the future.

Like yesterday. Yesterday was a good day. For SOOO many reasons. Especially last night, playing cards (kinda...) with friends. And even better for after cards, and watching lightning, and talking with a good friend, and realizing that the relationship you are in is truly a good relationship, a long-lasting one. Something special that so few have. And just like Lydia, I wish every couple could be as happy as our couples. Cards made me realize how happy I am with where I am and who I'm with. 1000 times more happier than I ever thought I could be.

Anyway...look at me, I'm rambling again! Just a silly art major, sharing her joy with the rest of the world. I love it.