Bullet In The Brain Pan

captain_sam @ 2011-02-28T22:26:00

2011-03-01T03:26:14Z

A few days ago I was trying to explain to a friend why I find the upcoming children's movie Mars Needs Moms problematic. As far as I can tell, the entire premise of the movie is that aliens from Mars are abducting moms from Earth to raise their own children. In the previews and commercials, the protagonist asks the aliens where he can find his mother and tells them, you know, she's the one who vacuums. I mentioned that if I were a dad, I would be kind of pissed off. He dismissed my concerns, asserting that he didn't think dads really cared about that stuff. I declined to mention all those crazed "men's rights" groups that seem to be made up of angry single dads. I tried to point out that

1) It establishes the mother as responsible for household work and child care
2) It neglects the role of the father

He just thought it was a dumb kids' movie that hit the Uncanny Valley too hard. But the commercials are ramping up as the movie approaches its release date and every time I see it, it pisses me the fuck off. It plays into a system that not only relegates women to a domestic role but trivializes mens' parental contribution. Anti-feminism hurts men too, but apparently I'm bumming people out so I should just shut up and enjoy the movie. Ugh.

captain_sam @ 2011-01-31T18:40:00

2011-01-31T23:40:45Z

I'm turning into the dad from Calvin & Hobbes. Today I got home from work and thought gleefully, "There's nothing like a brisk 2-mile walk in 18-degree weather to get the blood pumping!" I'm a little sad that I'm more Calvin's dad than Calvin now. I think. I still talk to and wrestle with my cat.

I Am Danny Zuko

2010-12-27T21:22:43Z

Little things keep life bearable, you know?

Today I went out with my father for office supplies. While I was getting ready, I put a black comb in my back pocket because I had to run downstairs for something; I eventually forgot the comb was there. Also, I got a really nice leather jacket for Christmas, the kind that you see lady cops on TV wearing. So I put on this jacket and went boldly forth to Office Depot and when I reached for my wallet, realized the comb was still there. Apparently I'd been wandering around town looking like an Asian wannabe street-greaser. It nearly made me laugh out loud in between the Post-Its and the printer paper.

Emo holiday is emo

2010-12-22T00:45:07Z

Oh god, it's so obvious my parents only tolerate each other out of long familiarity, and that they're coasting along because they just can't bother to get divorced. I wish they would get divorced. I think they'd both be happier, in their heart of hearts, and I'd certainly be happier not having to tip-toe around hoping that my father isn't in the mood to yell (literally) at me, or that my mother isn't in the mood to sob out more of our family history. I'd be happier not dreading Christmas every year, a time that is traditionally about love, giving, and happiness. I only know that because I've been told it's so, but I don't think I've had a single truly happy Christmas, knowing that the least thing could destroy the fragile balance between me and my parents.

Maybe I should just enlist; I could theoretically do that, you know, and not get kicked out for my homogayness. I wish I could tell my parents that I would rather risk death half a world away than spend another Christmas with them.

An interlude with my family

2010-12-13T06:18:58Z

Tonight, approximately 6:30PM eastern:

My father: Mom has been sick, but she's fine. I mean, her eyes are open and she's breathing.

My mother, in the background: hysterical laughter

Me, to myself: Omg what is my family, I can't even...

This concludes tonight's interlude.

captain_sam @ 2010-12-02T23:02:00

2010-12-03T04:02:14Z

When you try to log in to your computer and it tells you your password is incorrect, do you assume:

1) Oh, I must've entered it incorrectly

2) OH SHIT THE CAT CHANGED IT WHILE I WAS GONE

If you assumed #1, congratulations, you are a normal, logical human being. If you assume #2, perhaps you are very tired and cold and need more vitamins in your diet.

captain_sam @ 2010-11-28T15:11:00

2010-11-28T20:11:49Z

This is the level of subconscious animosity I hold towards my father, apparently.

I normally work with a dual monitor setup. But last night I dreamt that my father had randomly removed one of my monitors and fucked up the other. I kept asking him why, why did you do this, what on earth. The keyboard was fucked up too, missing keys at random. In the dream I was half shocked and half on the verge of tears, and no matter how much I asked or how upset I got, he kept shrugging me off in a dull, lumbering kind of way.

And within the dream, I wasn't that surprised at all. It was the kind of thing he'd do, thinking it was better for me without asking. I was so frustrated that I literally woke up throwing a fit, legs kicking and arms flailing. I'm sure it freaked the the cat out.

I don't think anyone who knows me has ever really seen my temper erupt, but they know that I have one. And last night my temper just built and built and built until my tiny little heart couldn't take it anymore. I think this bodes ill for my Christmas visit home.

captain_sam @ 2010-11-06T11:22:00

2010-11-06T15:22:19Z

Damn you insomnia, damn you to HELL.

Yesterday I got 3 hours of sleep, like you do. I got up and went through my day, then went to a friend's Diwali dinner and had a great time. Also, two glasses of wine. I got home before midnight, got into bed, and set my alarm for 8 AM so I could get to my youth soccer game.

I tossed and turned and finally fell asleep around 6 AM.

And didn't set my alarm properly.

And woke up at 11AM.

FUCK. ME. SIDEWAYS.

I really have to see a doctor about this insomnia thing, it's getting out of hand. Like--really? After a day on 3 hours of sleep, plus alcohol with dinner, my body still thought it wouldn't shut down at the right time? This is just...beyond the pale.

captain_sam @ 2010-10-10T23:43:00

2010-10-11T03:43:11Z

Man, sometimes the most random memories strike you. I'm just sitting here, futzing around on a Sunday night, and I suddenly recall a scene from seven years ago.

I was at the airport with my parents, about to leave for college for the first time. I was nervous, but quiet, reading at the gate while I waited to board. And suddenly my father started berating me, asking how I could be so calm when I was leaving home and my parents. At the time I was bewildered into crying, telling him that I was in fact apprehensive and that I was just trying not to vomit emotions everywhere (or something to that effect).

Now I know he was probably pretty apprehensive too, and it makes me angry, because chose to take his anger out on me. He chose to lecture me in the middle of the airport because he was uncomfortable and wanted me to be uncomfortable too.

There are times when I feel like I should think better of my father; he raised me, sheltered me, pretty much paved the way to adulthood. But on the other hand, the raising wasn't so pleasant a lot of the time. I lived in fear of him part of the time, and wanted to fight him at others for the way he treated my mother. It leaves me pretty confused, trying to balance the resentment against this nagging notion that I should forgive and try to take the good over the bad. But the bad was sometimes bad and left me a bit of a mess for a good chunk of years, until I somehow got myself sorted out and (mostly) grew up.

I...really need a drink now.

captain_sam @ 2010-10-09T18:48:00

2010-10-09T22:48:01Z

I took the LSAT again this morning. No more! No matter how badly I might do this time.

The essay question asked you to argue either for a well-qualified but little-known scientist, or a scientist who was not as technically proficient with the issue but who had been a medical correspondent on the national news and written several best-sellers.

I'm afraid I wrote a rather cutthroat essay that was more from the perspective of an advertising exec than a normal human being, but hopefully it will stand me in good stead instead of revealing that I was a business student once upon a time. Although, I kind of did treat jurors like consumers and not citizens performing their patriotic duty. Whatever. I DIDN'T COME HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS, I CAME HERE TO BE #1.

captain_sam @ 2010-09-28T16:11:00

2010-09-28T20:11:05Z

Another year alive, another email from OKCupid asking if I'm still single.

All I really have to look forward to is the LSAT (again) on October 9.

Oh, and the ginormous steak I will be having tonight, because goddammit, I deserve a delicious cut of tender beef on the occasion of my nativity. Simple pleasures, right? Gonna eat past the point of foolishness, maybe drink a little too much, and regret it when I have to get up tomorrow.

Maybe I'll try to pick up a stranger in a bar tonight. Hah! We'll see if that ever happens.

captain_sam @ 2010-09-04T02:11:00

2010-09-04T06:11:20Z

Is it just my roommate, or is it most boys who never learned certain tricks of housekeeping? My roommate just asked me to help keep the kitchen a little cleaner, but I don't know if he understands what the concept of clean truly embodies. He seemed to have been only referring to clutter--he'd passive aggressively piled a lot of my stuff on a tiny bit of counterspace. I just said "okay" but I wanted to point out some peeves of mine, mainly that he might put his dishes away, but he doesn't sweep, he doesn't mop, he doesn't wipe the counters done, he doesn't scrub the toilet or the bathtub, he doesn't beat out the rugs and put them in the laundry. And those little things that he just doesn't have a clue about:

squeeze out your sponge after you use it
clean out the dryer's lint trap
put down the lid on the washing machine

I think if he points it out again, I'll suggest he clean the bathroom and I clean the kitchen one weekend, and I'll be sure to point out what needs to be done to really clean. Don't just take out the garbage in the bathroom; I want you to use the tile cleaner I bought, I want you to get into the toilet bowl, I want you to put the shower curtain through the wash, I want you take everything out of the bathroom and mop it, I want you to clean the sink and mirror and not just dry them off with a paper towl. I understand your mother probably did these things for you growing up, but it's past time you did these things yourself.

captain_sam @ 2010-08-11T11:47:00

2010-08-11T15:47:43Z

Your IKEA desk comes in two parts. Make sure you get both packages.

Package 1: particle board, peg and screw inserts.

Package 2: cat.

captain_sam @ 2010-06-25T19:20:00

2010-06-26T00:20:58Z

I've been in San Francisco for five days and I already know it's not for me. Unless I had money. But I don't. San Francisco is just slightly too big; I'm pretty sure I was made for Boston, and it for me. I'd have to take the bus all the time here, when I wasn't biking up the hills and crying from the pain, and I hate the bus.

Today I took the bus to the west side of the city to see the Pacific Ocean, and it was all right. I had a nice, long, head-clearing walk on the beach. But then I took the bus back to Union Square and got a nauseating headache. Who wants to live with the possibility of getting nauseous all the time? At least in Boston when I have to take the bus, the ride is never that long, because the city is just not that big.

And the humidity! Both are cities by the sea, but the humidity here could pounce on the humidity in Boston, roll it up into a ball, and eat it in one bite.

Plus I get the horrible feeling this city would give me an inferiority complex, because I would always worry I wasn't cool enough for it.

So it's back to Boston tomorrow, just in time to miss Pride in San Francisco. Honestly, I really don't mind.

captain_sam @ 2010-06-19T17:27:00

2010-06-19T21:27:53Z

I am...slightly freaked out.

I was waiting for the train at Harvard this afternoon when I saw a mom playing with her baby in its stroller. She was tickling its feet and it was laughing and swiping at the doo-dads hanging above it. Then it paused, slowly turned its head to the right, and stared right at me. The smile slid off its face. It did not look away.

Am I like, fucking marked for death now? Stupid baby.

captain_sam @ 2010-06-13T22:30:00

2010-06-14T03:30:40Z

I caught my father watching a televangelist preach to a megachurch on TV tonight. I spoke to him about it for the first time, even though he's always watched those things.

I have a lot of issues with megachurches, even though I'm not a Christian anymore. I think that once things start being about volume and money, they'll always be about volume and money. I think the man my father was watching had a tailored suit, perfectly straight white teeth, and a lot of product in his perfectly coiffed hair--walking the fine line between good grooming and vanity. I think there was no way that man could help his 10,000-large congregation on a personal level, which is what I believe the ministry is primarily for. And I believe that when pulpits become stages, it diminishes not just the performer, but the audience.

Churches should be there to serve the community, and this mass-packaged proselytizing makes me want to vomit. What on earth does that man know about the needs of his community when there are 10,000 separate voices in it? I think at that level his message is so generic as to simply become advice with Jesus flavoring. Does that man remember the names of anyone in his congregation? Could he talk a couple through a bad patch in their marriage, or sincerely advise a teenager having a rough time in school? I highly doubt it; he's too busy promoting his book.

captain_sam @ 2010-06-03T21:05:00

2010-06-04T01:04:43Z

Among the seething masses of humanity in Harvard Square today: a girl eating string cheese and pineapple chunks out of a can. The string cheese I could understand, being a highly portable snack that can be consumed with minimal effort. But the can? Did she open it at home and bring it with her? Did she choose her location with the intention of whipping out a can of pineapple chunks? What is the deeper meaning here?

If I were to ask her about it, I imagine she would say some variation of the following: "Fuck you, I was hungry and I like pineapple."

Meanwhile, tutoring continues to suck, my WoW addiction continues unabated (indeed, with increased fervor), and I will be forced to spend a week at home with my parents, who are still wondering when I'm going to "do something with my life." On the inside I feel like that scene in High Fidelity, when John Cusack yells "FUCK YOU" into the phone at his mother, then hangs up and utters "That's some cold shit." But on the outside, I continue to be an Asian Daughter.

But hope abounds! On June 21st I will fly to San Francisco to visit a friend. I am not-so-secretly hoping that I will also see Tiny Dancer (Remember her? Thought she was straight, got a divorce when she realized she wasn't, made me act like an awkward fool for about a year, moved away?), even though dredging up all those feelings is probably very unhealthy.

Oh, and I'm taking the LSAT.

captain_sam @ 2010-05-25T20:53:00

2010-05-26T00:53:02Z

There's a commercial on Hulu for Learn To Be where a little girl calls her tutor for help, her tutor gets online, and then talks her through finding the area of a triangle. It makes me laugh every time, because the tutor is super hot and if I were that girl, of course I would be calling her for help with trivial shit. I would be calling her asking if she could help me spell words and feigning ignorance of dictionaries.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm reading Unaccustomed Earth by Jumpa Lahiri, and goddamn Jumpa, can't anyone be stupid and happy without having it come back to bite them in the ass? What's with all these people leading grey, slightly unsatisfactory lives? I can't handle this for an extended period of time (i.e. the time it takes to read the whole book); I burnt out my angst modulator in high school. I'm gonna go watch some mindless, happy television with bright, happy people.

Today's problem that isn't a problem

2010-05-09T23:49:12Z

I've been having a hell of a time finishing inFamous. I concur with all the complaints that it's repetitive; I just shoot and shoot and shoot and climb and shoot some more. The unreleting squalor of the city doesn't help, making for a landscape that feels repetitive and lifeless. Also, I'm afraid it might be too atmospheric for me with its gloomy minimalist soundtrack. I could barely handle Bats starring Dina Meyer. inFamous is really not making me feel comfortable, which I suppose is another point in favor of gaming as a legitimate storytelling device. But it just makes me anxious, and I want to be relaxed by my gaming.

Think I'll stick with WoW, where my anxiety is entirely related to my performance. 5k dps, I *will* crack you. I regularly climb into the 4k range, so it's just a matter of time, enchants, and maybe spell rotation.

captain_sam @ 2010-05-04T17:45:00

2010-05-04T21:44:57Z

Hello, livejournal. It's been a while. My personal life remains...flat. Most of the fizz has gone out of it, but I happen to like flat soda, so there's that.

Current issues in my life:
1) Waiting for my ideal job to respond to my resume and cover letter
2) Trying to curtail my WoW addiction
3) Being girly about my hair and skin
4) Thinking about moving out of the US

1) I'm supremely hopeful since it would be a good job with a good company and I could quit tutoring on the side.

2) I'm not seeing much luck, but I'm trying. I'm only allowed to play when my work-work and my project-work are done. I'm mostly sticking to it (but I just got into my offspec as a pally healer, and it is tons of fun and seemingly less work than dps and the queues for dungeons are so much shorter, so good luck, me [and just a moment to brag, I'll never go OOM because hello 28k mana pool]).

3) I am trying Frederic Fekkai full volume shampoo and conditioner since Bridget Regan swears by his Luscious Curls cream, and her hair is possibly the best hair in the existence of mankind. Methinks, though, that this product cannot handle Asian hair as well as it does white people hair. Living Proof volumizer is working well for me, though. I might just switch back to my Dove shampoo.

4) New Zealand sounds nice.

captain_sam @ 2010-04-05T20:09:00

2010-04-06T00:09:35Z

Can Animals Be Gay?

I clicked this article expecting yet another fluff (har har) piece on gay penguins or giraffes that like to neck. Instead I got a sprawling, thoughtful article on what homosexuality might really mean among animals and humans, the ways behaviors are rarely simply and easily explained, and a minor crush on yet another married woman.

Lindsay C. Young, one of the scientists quoted in the article, is studying Laysan albatrosses. To quote,

"In the course of her doctoral work, Young and a colleague discovered, almost incidentally, that a third of the pairs at Kaena Point actually consisted of two female birds, not one male and one female. Laysan albatrosses are one of countless species in which the two sexes look basically identical. It turned out that many of the female-female pairs, at Kaena Point and at a colony that Young’s colleague studied on Kauai, had been together for 4, 8 or even 19 years — as far back as the biologists’ data went, in some cases."

I got a sense of her as a smart, somewhat dry woman focused on research and not politicized speculation. But that's neither here nor there. What's important is that the article did not devolve into an editorial on gay rights or scientific misunderstanding; it was an honest attempt by the author to lay out a scenario and explore the ramifications, if any, of that scenario. He seemed at times to be struggling with the very concepts he was explaining, and that's fine with me.

captain_sam @ 2010-03-17T23:35:00

2010-03-18T03:35:28Z

I don't know if it's because I'm incredibly tired, or if it's because I'm mellowing, but I just had a phone conversation with my father that would've normally left me fuming.

He consistently does this thing where, if I tell him I was just about to go to bed, he says "Okay," and then proceeds to ask me 90348732 questions. He did that tonight, and as his questions got more and more vague, all I could do was laugh. Also I realize now it's not just that he's being inconsiderate, it's that he wants to talk to me and doesn't realize he's being inconsiderate, which I can deal with. You can't really teach your own father consideration, so there's no point in getting hotheaded over it.

This is a thing I've been doing more often: actively letting go of things that bug me. Replaying all the things I could have done differently and the day's ills has always been a big part of my insomnia; I'm trying to train myself to think of beautiful women and drift off. Or, you know, clear my mind of clutter, whatever.

On a completely unrelated note, it's always awkward to know what your roommate's girlfriend's o-face sounds like. Currently I am pumping some electronica to wipe out the squeaks and groans. We're not really in a place where I can bring up how we need to think about soundproofing.

captain_sam @ 2010-03-12T19:43:00

2010-03-13T00:42:44Z

Oh god, am I a lesbian hipster?

Evidence:
Skinny jeans
Plaid flannel shirt
Sigg
Love of biking (the kind with pedals) in a bike-friendly city
Poetry
Rachel Maddow
Piles of tea in the pantry

I'm not like, knitting or anything though. There's hope yet. I also eat lots of processed foods and I don't wear fashionable glasses! I could still turn out to just be another sloppy bachelor.

captain_sam @ 2010-03-08T15:11:00

2010-03-08T20:11:07Z

Scott and Scurvy

A great article examining the rocky road medical science took towards a cure for scurvy, dealing mostly with the failed Scott expedition to the South Pole. Seriously, even if you're not a nerd, you'll probably enjoy (or maybe be properly horrified by) this article.

It constantly amazes me that so many Americans are ready to dismiss science, or to willfully misunderstand it. I particularly hate the phrase "We put a man on the moon, but we can't do [X]?" The concentrated efforts in specific fields required to put a man on the moon were pretty herculean, and had to be backed by an enthusiastic government and a willing populace that felt the encroaching menace of the Soviets every day they were taught to duck and cover at school. (P.S., it never failed to amuse me that one of my high schools was an approved nuclear fallout shelter. As an adult I'm not quite as amused; I've just noted its location in my Apocalypse Survival Guide.)

These days people are willing to discount a lot of research as partisanship or lobbying by big pharma/nefarious liberal elements/the Illuminati. For instance, celebrities who are anti-vaccination because they believe it causes autism. Oh boy.

Anyway. I hope if I have kids, I manage to properly teach them about the value of knowledge and how easy it can be to just shut up and learn something.

captain_sam @ 2010-02-24T22:04:00

2010-02-25T03:04:44Z

You know what the height of rudeness is? Hearing someone tell you they're going to bed because they're tired, and then continuing the conversation without regard to that information. It's a wonder I grew up with any manners or social graces at all.

I'm not sure if it's good that I grew up learning to let go of my crazy temperamental flare-ups, or if it's bad that I had the flare-ups in the first place.