Utopic Chaotica... Journalized!

Living the dream. One day at a time.

canuck_kat — Tue, 16 Jun 2015 19:34:00 GMT

We just finished the dress rehearsal for Whose Aemilia, and I'm so fucking emotional right now.

I still can't believe that I am actually able to follow my dreams after having giving up on them so many years ago. They were literally and figuratively beaten out of me. So, being here, in this moment, is just too surreal.

Thank you to Rachel, who took a chance on someone who had never stage managed a play before never mind with a bunch of professional actors.

Thank you to all my friends-cum-family who were always there for me no matter what.

To all those out there who feel so alone, that they'll never belong anywhere, and that they're freaks that no one will love or accept or understand: just hang on. It WILL happen, but only if you fight for it. And, yes, sometimes it's ok to give up and fight another day.

I'm not saying it will magically get better all of a sudden. To this day, I still get bullied and mocked and demeaned. To this day, I still struggle to fight for what I want. To this day, I still fight to believe that I deserve all this good that has happened and is happening to me.

To this day, I still fight to not give up. On my dreams. On myself. On living.

They say that the things you learn as a child form who you are as an adult. They say that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Well, let me tell you, at the end of the day, the only they who matter are the ones who hold you when you cry, give you a hug when you need one, and hold your hand when you're scared. And never, not even once, doubt you in their hearts no matter what their words say.

xo

Life Update!

canuck_kat — Mon, 02 Jun 2014 00:20:42 GMT

I haven't posted in a while, mostly cuz I've been really busy right to find work and then working my ass off when I did find work. Apparently that's what being grown up means! lol

Anyways, below I talk about IMD, what I'm doing right now, and my plans for the future. It was originally meant as a comment on a post in the BIT Society Facebook group, so excuse the mess. :)

--

Let me be frank since I'm probably a black sheep of the bunch...

The reason why I went into the program is cuz I wanted to brush up on my programming languages (i.e. C, C++, Java) in a more artistic friendly environment than comp sci. Plus I needed a more (easily?) employable degree than philosophy with a specialization ethics and public affairs. I have a rough time finding work so making itself harder for me isn't exactly a smart thing, you know?

My passions/loves are writing and acting. I also love TV and movies. I wish that our program had a film specialization cuz I wanted to do that and learn the technical side of production for stuff like vfx, but we just did a lot of game dev. Even when there was a possibility of doing a film, I tended to end up doing a game.

That's not entirely bad cuz I've started working towards becoming an UX oriented front-end web developer since I love interfaces so I'm not complaining about making games ;)

Did IMD live up to my expectations? I guess? I didn't really have any going in so... although I am sad that I didn't get to learn Java or learn VFX specific things.

My 10 year plan right now is getting into acting and writing while building a backup career to support myself.

I got early acceptance into the theatre program at Algonquin so that's what I'll be doing for the next two years and then probably moving to Montreal, Toronto, or Vancouver, but that depends on a lot of factors like money and if I can get a job.

I'm also in the middle of rewriting a novel, and writing a trilogy of short stories. The latter is going to be self-published!

At the same time though, I'm working on my skills as a front-end developer. I want to get more broad and learn more design and UX methodology instead of just being someone who makes websites. Primarily cuz it's a career I've been working on for the past 10 years and I can get work but I want to get into vfx.

The problem with that is I haven't gotten the chance to try different roles to decided specifically what kind of VFX job I want. I've looked up a few things and I think I want to go into lighting (cuz that sounds fun) and layout (cuz as a photographer I'm all about framing, flow, what is the focus?, movement, etc).

What about pipeline TD? You know what? That's also interesting to me cuz I like programming, I like playing around on server and machines for installing and testing and managing render farms (of what I've done as a lab assistant ;) ). I even found it interesting making a basic tool for Maya or a crazy ass all MEL script Minecraft terrain generator plug-in that had only the dialog as the user interaction (hey, I wasn't allowed to program it in Python/PyMel and I couldn't get the C++ tools working together, thanks a lot Visual Studio).

Although, let's be honest, programming is just a hobby for me. Yes I'm making a career out of it but only because I fell into it, which is why I'm trying to learn more UX stuff!

Can I get a job in the vfx industry? I don't know. I know Neil has tried to help me out (huge thanks for that!) but right now I'm content to ride the wave and build some sort of backup plan for when the wave crashes.

My dad is constantly telling me (especially lately now that he knows I'm going back to school for theatre) that I need to focus on being financially secure and let my passions be hobbies, like an after school afterthought, but I feel like what you're passionate about is directly linked to your financial security. When I was working jobs I couldn't be passionate about, I didn't last very long.

I think my problem is that society doesn't think acting and writing are good jobs but I haven't been able to find my passion in any other job, which is really frustrating. I would love to get a job at a VFX out in Vancouver but I don't even know if that's possible. :(

Then again, a lot of things I'm doing now I didn't think was possible 5, 10 years ago, so we'll see what the future brings!

In Memoriam

canuck_kat — Thu, 19 Sep 2013 19:26:05 GMT

Yesterday, the 18th of September 2013, an OC Transpo bus (the 76) and a VIA train that was headed from Montreal to Toronto at the Fallowfield crossing at approximately 8:49am.

Five were confirmed dead at the scene, a sixth later died in hospital. 34 were transported to hospital.

I know for a fact that I knew at least two of the dead. Connor and Kyle both played Magic at the same store I did, and I knew Kyle as he was a year behind me in my program. It's possible that I also knew Connor from Carleton.

Sidenote: I just want to gripe that people still can't get the name of my program right. I would expect reporters to know how to copy and paste. Jeez.

717

canuck_kat — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 03:06:27 GMT

A year ago today, the main stage at Ottawa Bluesfest collapsed.

There are moments of that day that are still very clear in my mind like hiding behind a car to protect myself from the huge gusts of wind that was kicking up dust. A few seconds later, fat droplets of rain started falling... and a few, very fast heartbeats later, it was a downpour.

I had been at the River stage guarding the gate that leads to backstage at Wellington and Vimy and I had been at Bluesfest since 11am. I had felt something in the air, but I thought that it was just a big thunderstorm and everyone else I talked to had a similar thought.

Boy were we wrong.

I remember the car (which was either a van or an SUV) rocking back and forth from the wind. Then I heard Shelley call my name, and we ran into the production trailer. The car wasn't rocking that much, but after a few minutes in the trailer, that was rocking pretty hard.

At this point, I still had no idea what was going on except for the fact that it was a freak storm.

We were evacuated to under the bridge and stayed there until the storm more or less blew over. I don't know when I heard about the stage collapsing but, when I did, all I wanted to do is run to main stage and find everyone I knew who had been there.

AR had performed an hour ago, so I didn't know if she was in her trailer or not (she was drinking and off-site with some friends I later found out). My brother volunteered in the Mill Street tent, which was between the stage that collapsed and Claridge stage. And there were people in my Bluesfest family who had been working main stage.

We were damn lucky there were only a few minor injuries and nothing else. A few days later, the same model of stage collapsed at another outdoor music venue, killing several people.

When everyone was finally evacuated to the war museum, I ran everywhere, finding my family, touching and hugging them, making sure that they were relatively ok.

To this day, I cannot think about what happened without being extremely emotional. I might joke or have a smile on my face when I tell you what happened, but inside I am choked up.

But it's not fear I'm feeling, it's relief and gratitude. Because we are alive. Because we didn't lose anyone. Because we survived.

We were the lucky ones.

I can't even begin to imagine what would've happened if I had been at main stage like I wanted to be instead of River. Would I be here today? What if my Bluesfest family who WERE there hadn't gotten out in time? What if my brother had been in the crowd or right beside main stage when it collapsed? What if my friends who were planning on going hadn't changed their minds? What if AR hadn't been off-site?

So many more what ifs run through my mind whenever I think about 7.17, but I am glad that I will never have to know the answer to any of those questions.

omgz I has poetry! yay!

canuck_kat — Sat, 14 Apr 2012 23:07:36 GMT

I wrote sooooo much yesterday!!! Like 3 poems. A short one and 2 long ones. Makes me happy. I've had such a creative block lately. I guess I just needed to stop stressing out and get rid of the mental blocks I've been putting up lately in order to keep myself relatively sane.

They're back up, but that's cuz I need to stay sane. It took a lot of ranting and alcohol to get me in a good place to write. Heh.

Also, I just remembered that today is Sunday. Ooops. I had wanted to go to slashers brunch. Oh well.

So I have a poem I want to workshop/edit/make better. Anyone interested in helping? Warning though, it's dark.

Anyways, here's something I wrote yesterday that is not depressing (for once). Unedited and raw (and slightly terrible :P)

Sadness overwhelms me faster than lightning can hit
Threatening to drown me in its darkness
But there's no point in dwelling here in the past
There's so much life ahead, just waiting to be lived

Or at least that's what I keep telling myself
It's better to be living for things yet to come
As moving forward is the right thing to do
No matter how impossible it might seem

We can't relive the past
No matter how much we want to
Just gotta trust in ourselves
Cuz if we don't, then no one will

And then who would be left to hold our hand or dry our tears?
Who would live our brightest day, or darkest night
No one... except you can.
No one but you can live your life

So don't waste a single moment of it
Dreading failures that might not happen
When there are so many beautiful things just over the horizon
But you'll never see them if you don't start moving forward.

Copyright © 2012 Katrina L. Halliwell, Jessica K. Wong.

It's about time LJ

canuck_kat — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 03:17:10 GMT

I just found out that I can edit my comments on Livejournal! No, I'm not a paying customer :P

Cuz apparently people don't want to believe the truth

canuck_kat — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 15:06:20 GMT

I want to find out if it's actually true and if there's evidence that the Mongols were kidnapped and enslaved (but Mongol was NOT occupied, although it's kinda hard to occupy a country where the people are nomadic).

Obviously the first step is the school library and googling, but I'm not quite sure that I'll actually find what I need.

*sigh* Why can't people just accept that people who believe that they are superior are always repeating the actions of those who held the same beliefs?

'Tis a good day

canuck_kat — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 02:33:44 GMT

Despite some crap that went down today (i.e. prof marking things based on how much work he thinks someone did instead of what was handed in), I'm pretty happy today.

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I think this is what's going on in the back of my head today. Shit went down that I couldn't control, but the things that I could control went relatively well, which is nice.

Guess it's back to me letting the universe show me where I'm supposed to go, but also steer my life in the direction that I want to go and, if the stars line, then it will be amazing.

The 7th Annual Ottawa Healing Garden Music Fest

canuck_kat — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 04:39:36 GMT

I have to say, the concert was lots of fun with lots of amazing music/singers. And it was really nice to forget about all the stress/crap I have going on.

I took around 400 photos, and then processed like 30 lol. Sometimes I think I take photos cuz I can and there's no point besides that. There were also a bunch of out of focus photos, which annoyed me, but manual focussing is hard! I'm totally getting better at manual focussing though, I think.

Link to album: Google Plus link | Facebook link

NaNoWriMo semi-all nighter

canuck_kat — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 08:47:27 GMT

I dunno if I've ever mentioned it before, but I cannot pull all nighters. I eventually get to a point of braindeadness and then I have to sleep.

That being said, it's 20 til 4am and I'm still up and have been writing on and off since 1am or something. Wrote 2K+ words, which is normal for me at a non-write-in. I'm still 10K behind, but it's a much smaller 10K than last week. Hurrah!

I would like to write 5K in a day for 3 days in the next 10 days, but I dunno if it's possible with all this school work that I have. Hopefully it is.

Meanwhile, I'm constantly amazed but the metamorphosis the concept of my story is taking. It went from scifi with small bits of fantasy elements, to a scifi fantasy novel. I'd like to re-write it or something and make a proper outline one day. ^_^

Also, sadly, not going to the dangerously write-in. I need sleep, especially cuz of school.

P.S. I love The Hunger Games! It was a wonderful read that took me about 2 or 3 hours straight non-stop. I'm itching to read book 2 of the trilogy now.

Busy kitty is busy

canuck_kat — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 00:50:30 GMT

Too much shit to do this week. And I just found out that Kathleen Edwards was here in Ottawa yesterday for a charity concert. Grrr... wouldn't have been able to go anyways.

Also, my wireless stopped working for about an hour. Yeah, now I really have no motivation to study linear algebra. (Studying is done via watching Khan Academy)

CanCon, why you make me sad?

canuck_kat — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 16:56:38 GMT

SO I finally took a look at the CanCon site and...

wow. it's so big.

At least the logo looks good. Right?

E3 2011: Day 1

canuck_kat — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 02:39:25 GMT

So, day 1 of E3 is done. Or at least the press conferences are. You can (re-)watch them on IGN.com and Gamespot.com I believe. If not today, then soon!

Microsoft
Very meh. The only cool moment was them demoing Mass Effect 3 squad control using voice commands via Kinect voice recognition. Microsoft promised all these things back when Kinect was Natal and they've only delivered 50%. 10% is because the hacker community found work-arounds and Microsoft got all uppidy about it.

EA
Meh. Overstrike was very shiny though. Here's the trailer.

Ubisoft
Overall, they stood out the most for me cuz it was fun. I'm sure it helped to have a comedian host. New Rayman's game (Rayman Origins) and RABBIDS ARE BACK!! :D :D :D Of course, Assassin's Creed: Revelations.

Sony
Poor Jack Tretton. He's really not a public speaker. It wasn't all bright and shiny like Ubisoft, but it was interesting. NGP is named Vita (aka life) and wifi version costs $249.99, 3G+wifi costs $299.99. Quite a few interesting games, quite a few stupid ones too (not fault of Sony though).

Annnnnnnnnnnnd... I needs sleep.

WTF POS

canuck_kat — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 12:55:14 GMT

ugh... so pissed off...

why are all credit card transactions forcing me to use mhy chip? I don't know it AND it's faster to swipe.

so now I canMt buy tea at timmys until I get my pin next week and I'm going to have a hard time remembering it cuz I don't remember shit

Aeryn's dead

canuck_kat — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 01:39:32 GMT

I seriously just want to cry now.

So in the past month or so, I had slipped on ice twice and totally damaged the corner or my laptop. I thought she was ok, but this week she was acting up (phantom enter key presses, no BIOS on bootup) and then today she totally just wouldn't boot anymore.

So, me being as brilliant as usual, cracked her open. Literally. I exposed the motherboard and accidentally yanked some stuff out (which seemed ok btw) but when I turned her on she just beeps a nice long beep. I also lost a screw in her.

*sigh* My poor baby. At least my hard drive is ok. I'll just have to buy a new one and an external hard drive case to get my data back.

At least her essence survives in the hard drive. I guess that's why I named her Aeryn, I knew she would die one day mysteriously and nothing I do would save her from her death.

I don't know what to do. I have no motivation to study or do anything now. -.-

JJ's Return!

canuck_kat — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 02:03:50 GMT

sunny_serenity, you will not be fucking disappointed! I squeed! I cried! I cheered! I wept! It was awesome! (srsly though, you should only watch today's ep. I didn't really care for the other ones)

Writer's Block: I wanna be just like you

canuck_kat — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 22:07:17 GMT

Definitely Dr. Elizabeth Weir of Stargate: Atlantis. She's strong, intelligent, beautiful, well-educated (I mean, she has 2 Ph.Ds!) and speaks many languages. Not only that, but she also knows what battles to fight and does her job as a negotiator extremely well.

Furries are cool

canuck_kat — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 22:45:33 GMT

Apparently being a furry in a fursuit means you're trying to hide something about yourself... I don't see how that's different from acting differently when you're with different people.

I find it obnoxiously annoying that mainstream media considers anything strangely different and/or fetish-y is wrong and shouldn't be done.

(Of course, I'm being annoyed cuz what I said about hiding something about yourself is the exact words a psychologist used on A&E's new show Strange Addictions.)

listening to "I Just Wanted Your Love - Alexz Johnson" on Blip

canuck_kat — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 03:03:53 GMT

I need to find this album!

canuck_kat — Sun, 13 Feb 2011 17:16:41 GMT

Argh, I hate it when I forget to set my alarm. And I wanted to go to brunch with the slashers. -.- I've missed their company. Oh well, next month I guess.

A New Year

canuck_kat — Sat, 08 Jan 2011 19:44:53 GMT

So it's been like forever since I posted anything. *sigh*

I've been busy busy doing clientwork and the near death experience of last semester. Seriously, having about 2.5 full time jobs' worth of work on top of lectures should be forbidden.

The good news is... I have more knowledge in my brain.

Anyways, there are two classes this semester I'm super happy about. Photography and graphics programming. They're both fun so far, and I have great profs, and there's just a great semi-relaxed atmosphere about them.

3D graphical programming however.... well.... I'm not sure how I feel about it since the prof spends EVERY SINGLE LECTURE TELLING US HOW HARD HIS CLASS IS GOING TO BE.

Scare tactics ftl. -.-

I've also been trying to get this Lie to Me fan appreciation book project off the ground, which is hard since I can't market anything. Hopefully people will keep seeing my tumblr posts and tweets. I should post on the official forums or something. Heh.

Fandom, my saviour

canuck_kat — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 04:41:15 GMT

I find it both really refreshing and a bit depressing that fandom makes me motivated when I'm least motivated about anything. I'm totally overthinking it though, cuz this totally makes me super happy.

People in fandom are generally amazing and I love giving back. ^_^

Random (sorta) Save LieToMe* idea

canuck_kat — Sat, 11 Dec 2010 01:31:42 GMT

*is kinda sad that she can't tag people like on Facebook for this post*

Ok, so I'm thinking of putting together this giant compilation book of stuff from fans to send to the LTM production team, basically to say how much we love them. I know bevfrank and speckleberry are making this video project, but I know not a lot of people are comfortable putting their faces/hands on the internets.

That being said, I also know that there are a lot of people on my flist who are creative in fanart or fanfic or other forms of creative expression (or know other people who are!) and I think an actually book would be kinda cool for the cast, crew, and producers to have (and maybe we'll send some to Fox execs too? hehe).

The concept/theme is "Why we love Lie To Me* (and other expressions of love)" or something to that effect.

If you are interested this, or if you know someone who is, you can email me at contact[at]utopicchaotica[dot]net, PM me on livejournal, or DM/@reply me on twitter.

P.S. If you want to help me organize this, let me know ^_^

P.P.S. I'm sorry if you see this multiple times cuz I'm also posting this on tumblr/LJ.

Woooo tumblr!

canuck_kat — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 21:06:55 GMT

I got tumblr, but I never got around to finding a use for it. But I've figured it out!

Fandom media! :D

I follow a bunch of fuckyeahs and hellyeahs, but yeah...

(Sorry, words == nonexistent. Brain dead already from too much studying and projects.)

Me: http://canuckkat.tumblr.com

Feel free to follow/like/re-blog/whatever.

I seriously need to remake my LJ/DW layout, and make one for tumblr (although I do like the glassy one ^.^). And slap a Disqus comment system on tumblr.

Yay for Gillian! I think she's going to kick some serious ass next ep. XD Although I want some Emily/Cal scenes.

Poor Gillian

canuck_kat — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 00:56:42 GMT

*smushes Gillian* You need to find a new job, missy! You can't let Cal treat you like that.