Dare to dream

caiteydid — Fri, 29 Aug 2014 04:13:58 GMT

It's been a year, give or take some weeks, since Sage died, and there's not a week that goes by that I don't miss him. I haven't been at my parents' house enough to remember in my muscle memory that he's not there. I expect his shriek every time I open the door and the alarm chimes, and every time I set the alarm. I hear phantom chirps and chuffs and remember it's the AC, or something outside, but it's not Sagey.

Yesterday I went back out into the arroyo to look for the stone under which I'd like to bury Sage and Sasha, if my mom is ok with it. Sage never went there with me, except maybe once in a travel cage, but Sasha and I used to sit out there and watch the sunset sometimes. I think it's a nice place for them.

I just want another parrot so bad, but I can't have one where I am now. And I have the two cats. But there's just… I guess you don't get used to being without something you had for ten years very quickly, especially when you lose it suddenly and unexpectedly. It just still makes me so sad.

caiteydid — Fri, 10 Jan 2014 08:01:42 GMT

My counselor suggested that when I came home over break, I might run into some challenges regarding what we've worked on-- which is mostly me controlling the decisions I make and making the best one given the situation, and which I can live with later.

She was not wrong.

I don't know what's wrong with my friends. I think the group I thought was so close-knit we'd all stay friends forever, that I marveled never argued and always got along and was so perfectly balanced is actually an illusion (as I probably should have realized, but I am not wise). And they're all wonderful and lovely people and I love all of them but there are some wildly incompatible personalities. Maybe this is a recent happening, or maybe this was latent and we just had a really long "honeymoon period". But whatever it is, I'm pretty sure it's coming to a crisis point. Seeing this coming, I sat down and talked to a friend who doesn't know any of them, and decided that I have a limited number of choices. This is something the counselor taught me to do the first couple times I saw her, and helped me practice the times after that.

Choice: I can try to do something.
Result: It might not work, I might end up in the middle of multiple arguments, and I might lose friends. 100% chance I will have multiple episodes of tears and stress so severe I can only barely cope.

Choice: I can do nothing.
Result: I won't end up in the middle of everything. The group will sort itself out, or it won't. 100% chance I will still cry, less of a chance that it'll happen over and over and lead to things I can't deal with. I will probably keep all my friends. They may not get along, but I will have them. Some small subset will still get along, I'm sure.
Subchoice: I treat all of them with equal care and respect, I speak to none of them about each other. I refuse to play messenger owl, I refuse to explain or make excuses for actions, I refuse to offer opinions regarding behavior or anything else
Result: Someone might get pissed that I am acting like Switzerland, but I don't have much sympathy if they do because I have my own mental health to think about, too. I accept that none of my friends are perfect by witnessing them at what will probably be their worst, and assuming they aren't really heinous, figure I love them anyway, and besides, they love me, and I'm just a fucked up mess of a human being a lot of the time. We're all a little fucked up, and that's ok, because we're human. We all have flaws.
Subchoice: There really isn't another reasonable option, here.

I took a few deep breaths, after articulating this to my friend, and decided the second one. It'll be hard, because I always like to fix problems, and I just want them all to be ok, but they may just not all get along. That's something they have to decide themselves, and I'll be there for them while they do it, but I'm not going to point anyone in any direction. I /might/ give someone very careful advice /if/ they ask for it and I can tell they're really at a loss, or really upset. Or I might just tell them I'm not sure what to do and digitally hold their hand and tell them we'll all be okay.

And we will. We'll all be fine. This happens. It sucks, I hate it, but it happens.

Now I just need to practice the part where I don't blame myself for it.

My heart has joined the thousand

caiteydid — Tue, 13 Aug 2013 05:29:24 GMT

My heart has joined the thousand, for my friend stopped flying today.

I might be able to talk about this at some point, but right now I need to keep it short. I'm already crying, and I can't really see what I'm typing.

Sage, my 9-year-old green cheek conure, died this morning sometime before my roommate, who is house sitting while I'm away, uncovered him. He was fine last night. He was at the bottom of his cage this morning. I'll bury him when I get home.

Sage Holly Rottler
June 4, 2004- August 12, 2013

I love you, buddy. Rest in peace.

And then I decided it would be fun to do weekly posts re: botany

caiteydid — Mon, 24 Jun 2013 04:39:11 GMT

I'm doing this on tumblr, but I'm going to try to remember to cross-post them here. Because really, who doesn't need flowers (and it's totally relevant to my life, and what else is LJ for?)

Please let me know if the lack of cut makes you terribly unhappy. The pictures aren't large or anything, but I can cut them if need be, I don't want to mess up anyone's LJ experience!
-----------

Scarlet Gilia (Ipomopsis aggregata ssp. aggregata)

Phlox family

Scarlet Gilia is also known as Skyrocket or White Fairy Trumpet, so named for its shape and color (Skyrocket is more orange, White Fairy Trumpet is... well, white). This flower is native to Wyoming and much of the western US, where it is found on dry, mountainous hillsides or in open pine forests. It is very drought tolerant, but very shade intolerant. The flowers occur on a single stalk, and they can grow anywhere from 1-3ft. tall, average, although some plants grow up to 5ft (the one in the photo was only about 1ft. tall). The flowers are odorless unless crushed, and are occasionally called honeysuckle for the nectar that can be retrieved from the bottom of the flower when it is picked. Hummingbirds and hawk moths both feed on this nectar, helping to pollinate the plants (they are incapable of selfing, or self-pollinating).

When crushed, the pinnately compound leaves smell like a displeased skunk, but they have still been used medicinally for blood diseases. Other parts of the plant are also used medicinally: the whole plant is also used for blood diseases, and can be crushed and used in a poultice on joints suffering from rheumatism. The roots have been used as both a laxative and to treat colds and high fevers. A decoction of the entire plant can also be used as a disinfectant wash.

A study at the University of Illinois uses Scarlet Gilia to study the phenomenon of overcompensation, where certain plants actually appear to benefit from direct herbivory (as in Scarlet Gilia).

----------

This should go without saying, but consult someone who knows what they are talking about before you ingest any part of any wild plant.

Sources:

Utah State University's page on Scarlet Gilia

Overcompensation in Scarlet Gilia

USDA NRCS PLANTS Database Page

Top picture by yours truly.

Bottom two pictures from here and here.

You're the bee's knees!

caiteydid — Mon, 18 Mar 2013 05:15:16 GMT

Reply to this post and I will tell you (at least) three reason why I like you. Then share this in your own journal to spread the love.

Or don't share to your journal, if you just want me to tell you why you're awesome, that's okay too. But this is a fun thing so if you can share it to your journal, I think you oughta!

-----------------

Also, long story short, things that have happened in my life in the past year, the reader's digest edition:

Moved to Laramie, started Masters in Botany, applied to PhD in Ecology, got accepted, almost done with first year of grad school! Got two cats (Merlin and Freya) lost a great aunt, gained new grad school buddies, watched too much Supernatural, but not enough Merlin (;______;), drove 10 hours alone after Christmas to get back to Laramie from ABQ, wrote WAY OUTSIDE MY COMFORT ZONE (WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY), grew as a person, grew as a writer, hurrah hurrah hurrah. Currently on Spring Break, at home, in ABQ. Go back to Laramie on Monday (by plane thank God).

My life in a nutshell. Most of it is an adventure in "But my comfort zone is, um, over there, and I'm, um, over here, and... AAAAAH I'M GONNA DIE" followed by "Oh look I'm not dead and it turns out it's not all that scary out here outside my comfort zone, guess I was being melodramatic for nothing. OH WELL."

mini-update

caiteydid — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 00:01:41 GMT

First of all, and mostly why I am doing this- Mis! I got your card, and it's lovely! Thank you so much. You draw the prettiest cards, even my mom thinks so. I should have told you back when I received it, and I'm sorry, but I did get it!

Second, I'm skipping talking about Christmas.

Third, kids, don't get kicked by horses. It bloody HURTS. At least nothing is broken. But ow. Ow, Ow, Ow.

Fourth, er... Sage is a dude. Yeah, my bird who I've been calling a girl for 7 years is actually a male. Oh well! At least Sage is sort of gender neutral, right? And thank goodness I don't have to worry about eggs.

I have nothing else even remotely interesting to talk about!

Microlending

caiteydid — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 20:00:49 GMT

Hey all!

I don't know if any of y'all have ever been interested, but right now Kiva is doing free trial microloans. Essentially, you get to choose someone to loan $25 to, and Kiva donates the fund to do that, rather than you having to pay for it. If it makes you happy, after that $25 gets paid back, you can finance another loan with your own $25, or you can choose not to- there's no obligation to loan your own money after the $25 Kiva loans out to whichever group you choose. I've been on Kiva for... years now, I think, because I feel like it's a great way to help folks out in places where a lot of help is needed. What's really cool is if you do use your own money, you can either choose to take it back or reloan it as it's paid back to you. I think of all the loans I've given, I've only not been paid back on time by one, and they're still paying it back, it's just taking longer than they were supposed to get. You don't make interest of course- that's not the point. The point is you get to help someone and generally, you eventually get the money back.

Anyway, I have invites for this thing if you're interested. They're only doing a limited number of the free ones, but if you do it sooner rather than later I'd assume they still have some left.

Link here!
http://kiva.org/invitedby/caitydid

Paid accounts

caiteydid — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 00:33:07 GMT

Hey guuuuys, do any of you know... If I redo my paid account, do I have to reupload all my userpics and stuff? Or does it keep them for a certain time after my account expires? I know I didn't use them much, but I really, really liked having the option and I'd like to start using my journal more! I have an idea of keeping a journal of stuff I see around my University that is interesting (like birds or the little kids who were having fun at the duckpond).

Writer's Block: Everything's coming up rabbits

caiteydid — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 18:50:48 GMT

I was born under rabbit, and quite frankly it's almost my polar opposite, as far as signs go. I don't /really/ match any of them very well at all! I'm like a squashed up mix of 2 or 3 of them. I remember when I was younger, though, that I thought rabbit matched with me pretty well. I've gotten more stubborn and quick-tempered since then. :P

Writer's Block: Children of the sun

caiteydid — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 16:41:40 GMT

Haha, I was just having this conversation after watching one too many documentaries on the Science channel last night! I reckon they'd regard us much like we'd regard them- with a wide range of reactions, not all of them positive or negative. I don't figure they'd come raining hell on the planet- that particularly pervasive viewpoint seems kind of silly to me. Even if you think that's all humans do, why project human motivations on an extra-terrestrial life form? Kind of human centric, don't you think?

If an alien ship landed in my backyard I would definitely run out to go meet them. But I wouldn't take a bundt cake, because God knows I could never cook one. I'd take them cookies and milk! CHOCOLATE CHIP cookies and milk, even.

caiteydid — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 17:14:23 GMT

They went with songs to the battle, they were young.
   Straight of limb, true of eyes, steady and aglow.
   They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted,
   They fell with their faces to the foe.

   They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
   Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

   At the going down of the sun and in the morning,
   We will remember them.

Writer's Block: Breaking the food chain

caiteydid — Sat, 25 Sep 2010 18:47:42 GMT

First of all, to everyone having a hernia that "OH MY GOD HOW DARE YOU BAN SOMETHING FROM THE WORLD JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE IT. IT'S NOT FAIR TO TELL PEOPLE, "You're not allowed to eat this anymore" JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE IT OMGZ *HEART ATTACK*."

It's a question of the day. Frequently they are stupid. Frequently people put WAY TOO MUCH THOUGHT into them. I'm pretty sure no one is advocating banning a food and not allowing other people to eat it just because you don't like it, and I'm pretty sure wanting to ban a food isn't me going, "Yes, all of these people who like it are STOOPID and I HATE THEM. Having a heart attack about the LJ question of the day might be a sign you're taking the internet, or at least LJ, too seriously. I can't tell you how many answers I just read when I clicked to view the answers that were all indignant and (I'm sure) hypocritically "OMG how dare you ban my favorite food just because you don't like it are you saying I'm wrong just because I don't think like you HOW FREAKING DARED YOU!"

Life get.

That said, I'd 100% ban those horrible little candy canes they have at Cracker Barrel that are flavored with the HERB clove. Like the kind you use in pumpkin pie. They make me gag (bad experience with having teeth pulled and the healing properties of clove paste in dry sockets- ow). They are my best friend's faaaaaavorite thing to get in the little store there! :P

Writer's Block: Something to cry about

caiteydid — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 21:02:59 GMT

Honestly, at least if a ghost smacks you for sassin' somebody, you probably won't feel it. So it'd be pretty pointless, wouldn't it?

ETA: However, corporal punishment... I agree with the other person on my F-list who said that kids were a lot better behaved when we were worried we'd get smacked for backsassin'. I never got belted or anything, but you're damn straight I'd get slapped or spanked for mouthing off or doing something I knew better than to be doing. And hey look, I know how to behave myself, unlike some people.

Writer's Block: It's allergies ... really!

caiteydid — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 20:56:55 GMT

Leaving England, at the Sheffield Station, hugging my friends goodbye one last time for who knows how long.

Writer's Block: Bye bye life!

caiteydid — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 15:44:38 GMT

Old age, when I'm darn good and ready. And not suffering from old-age-induced infirmity. HA.

Writer's Block: Nature v. nurture

caiteydid — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 08:57:28 GMT

For the love of all things, have we not learned that it depends on the part of the personality, and that it's not Nature v. Nurture anymore, but Nature w/ Nurture? Really?

Alright, so here's how it goes: some part of your personality are more heritable than others. So, sorry all you "I do what I want, and I'm who I want to be!" people, but there's some fairly large parts of your personality that are ridiculously inherited. The wonderful thing about humans is we can go directly in opposition to whatever our genes say by making certain choices, but the fact of the matter is anything polar opposite on those qualities which you have inherited strongly is going to be really hard to achieve, and you'll fight with it probably in tiny ways every day of your life, and most people just don't have the orneriness to do that. Some people do- and that's fantastic, more power to them. I can't remember where Plays-well-with-others/ Agreeableness falls on that genetic/environment scale, but let's put it this way. If I wanted to be more like my mom, who is infinitely Agreeable, I'd have to have self control I don't have and be much less confrontational.

But hey, I'm not saying it's like predeterminism, because it isn't. You can do whatever you want, but on some things it will be harder because you're fighting your own programming. But you're not a computer, so you can do that.

And some things are almost purely environmental, but have been shaped since you were born, so if you're old enough to use LJ and answer silly questions like this, chances are circumstances since your childhood have pretty well cemented your personality.

Congratulations, by the time you're 10 your personality is pretty set, with only minor changes supposedly occuring at other ages. I may, for instance, have been ridiculously extroverted, by the colloquial meaning of the word, this year. But the fact still remains that even when I'm out with all my friends, and I love being out with all my friends, I act like an introvert. Did you know introvert doesn't necessarily mean shy and retiring? It doesn't mean you're not social and you hate being out with friends, it means you behave in a "quieter" manner when out. Watch my friends and I at any given party and you'll see the difference.

So have we beated that dead pinata thoroughly enough yet? It's a set percentage that's down to genes, and a set percentage that's down to environment, and depends on the aspect of personality you're talking about. So what you "believe" actually doesn't matter. Sorry. That's somewhat like asking "To what extent do you believe evolution occurs?". Well, it doesn't matter, cause the fact remains that there is a finite extent to which it does occur, although in the case of both personality and evolution, I'm not sure if we've found that true extent yet, or if people are still looking for it.

But I guess it wouldn't be a good Writer's Block question if it didn't ask your opinion, would it?

glee!

caiteydid — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 18:06:37 GMT

I just spent the better part of a couple hours downloading and uploading LJ icoooooons! Thank you <lj user=jenkyll>!

Aw man!

caiteydid — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 13:40:54 GMT

I wanted to add an awesome userpic but then discovered, to my dismay, that I have only 15 and since I'm cheap and won't buy a paid account, I can't upload more. Boo to that, I tell you! It was an awesome Kimono's Townhouse one, too. And I wanted more NCIS ones, cause right now they're almost all Young Wizards ones, but I refuse to switch them out because I like all of those.

Curses, I tell you.

New blog posts

caiteydid — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 23:23:54 GMT

Just dropping a note to let everyone know I've updated my blog a few times.

It's here:

http://caitsenglandblog.blogspot.com/

If you want to know what I've been doing here, go read!

caiteydid — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 16:05:13 GMT

You never lived to see
What you gave to me
One shining dream of hope and love
Life and liberty

With a host of brave unknown soldiers
For your company, you will live forever
Here in our memory

In fields of sacrifice
Heroes paid the price
Young men who died for old men's wars
Gone to paradise

We are all one great band of brothers
And one day you'll see we can live together
When all the world is free

I wish you'd lived to see
All you gave to me
Your shining dream of hope and love
Life and liberty

We are all one great band of brothers
And one day you'll see - we can live together
When all the world is free

www.youtube.com/watch

Christmas cards

caiteydid — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 15:39:03 GMT

So here's the deal, you guys. There's this story that's been going around by email about a little boy in Michigan who is dying of cancer, and his family is having Christmas tomorrow because they don't think he'll make it that long. He really wants Christmas cards. I checked Snopes, and it's (unfortunately) not a hoax. I really think people should send a card, so if for any reason you were thinking of sending me one, send one to him instead, sooner rather than later (he has 1-2-3 weeks, his family thinks). I'm sending one.

If you want to double check me, here's the snopes page: http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/medical/biorkman.asp

His address is:

Noah Biorkman
1141 Fountain View Circle
South Lyon MI 48178
USA

Repost this wherever you want, please.

Writer's Block: Here's looking at you

caiteydid — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 10:37:18 GMT

Uh oh, you asked this question of a hopeless romantic!

I'm torn between Charles Bingley's, "I have been the most unmitigated ass" apology to Jane and the scene in the same new Pride and Prejudice in the field right towards the ending, with Darcy and Lizzy.

But really that whole movie, whether it's the BBC incarnation or the newer one, is probably my entire favorite romantic movie scene. :P

Writer's Block: Who will you be?

caiteydid — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 02:03:03 GMT

I'm a cowgirl, again. It's the one day a year I get to wear my western getup the way it's supposed to be worn, complete with hat and boots, and not get laughed at. All my friends are zombies or witches.

Awesome comics!

caiteydid — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 21:06:41 GMT

Dunno if any of you have seen this website yet, but I just did, and I think I love these comics! They're all good, which is a rare enough thing.

http://www.birdandmoon.com/birdandmoon/comics.html

I think my favorites are the mockingbird one and the parts of a bird, but like I said, they're all good!

Blog posts made

caiteydid — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 12:24:48 GMT

Just wanted to let everyone know I have some new blog posts up at my England blog. I'll try to remember to start doing posts here as well, I just have been forgetting.

http://caitsenglandblog.blogspot.com/

That's the link!