My mom is dying.

She’s 88 years old and has had cancer 3 times (breast cancer once; ovarian cancer twice). She’s 20+ years out from a Stage 4 ovarian cancer diagnosis, & that doesn’t happen, statistically-speaking. Now, her heart and kidneys are failing. That’s likely at least partly due to all of the cancer treatment that allowed her to live all these years — treatment that allowed her to finish raising her children, to attend the weddings of all her children (including my 2nd one), and to meet and get to know each of her grandchildren.

Her forthcoming death is not a surprise; if you read my most recent newsletter, you know I spent Christmas with her and Dad at the hospital in AZ. I’m heading back to AZ (with my youngest son) tomorrow. We called in hospice on Saturday, and this week we’ll move her from the nursing home she’s currently in, back to the house she and my dad have wintered in for years and years. The hospice nurse will visit 2 times a week; CNAs (certified nursing assistants), 3 times per week. In between, I’ll be taking care of her. And my Dad.

I’ll be be working while in AZ — albeit from their back patio or dining room — because this is 2026, I’m self-employed, and I can’t go without income for long. But my focus will be on my family & on the things I absolutely need to do, and I know that means that I probably won’t have much time or energy (if any) to give to this newsletter. It does not seem right for me to continue to accept subscriber money if I’m not sending out the content I’ve promised in return. So, I’ve currently paused subscription payments.

What pausing payments means for you

For most of you — nothing. The vast majority of you are not paid subscribers; I’ve done a pretty bad job of promoting subscriptions lately (& my numbers show it!) Free subscribers will continue to get a newsletter whenever I send a free newsletter.

If you are a paid subscriber, you will not be charged again until I “unpause” payments. If you paid upfront for a year-long subscription, your subscription duration will be extended however long this break lasts.

You may receive a newsletter (or newsletters) from me while payments are paused. You may not. I truly don’t know how the next few days and weeks will go. I know myself well enough to not make any promises any these conditions.

About combining work & caregiving

I wrote my first national parenting article — a piece about labor induction, for Parents magazine — by the light of a laptop computer in an Arizona hotel room, while my 3rd son (then, just a baby) slept in a pack-and-play crib. We’d gone down for Mom’s first big ovarian cancer surgery. My son turned one on that trip; he was also diagnosed with an ear infection on that same trip. Somehow, I wrote the damn article anyway.

22 years later, I’m a little smarter, savvier, and more established. I know that it’s okay to ask editors for grace. I know that pushing myself to (or past) exhaustion is a bad idea. And I know that I’ll need time and space to process everything that’s happening.

But I also know that paid work and caregiving can co-exist. They have for my entire adult life. One of the reasons I feel so confident going to AZ to help with hospice care is because I started my career as a CNA, caring for elderly folks in nursing homes and at home. I’ve been with people as they’ve died, both as a CNA and as an RN, and I’ve been with people as they’re born. I’ve been privileged to care for people at every stage of life — and that, my friends, has made me the person I am. I have learned from people at every stage of life. I am still learning and still growing.

I know the next weeks won’t be easy. Raising boys wasn’t easy either! But raising boys was so, so worth it, and I think this experience will be too.

Here’s to building boys!
Jen

This is my favorite photo of Christmas 2025:

That’s my 4 “boys” — now, men ranging in age from 19-28 — gathered together on Christmas day. I wasn’t there because I spent Christmas in Arizona at a hospital with my mom and dad. My 88-year-old mom was admitted with heart issues; my 89-year-old dad (with diabetes & dementia) needed help.

When it became apparent that I wasn’t going to be home by Christmas, my boys decided two things:

1. To wait until I was home (whenever that might be) to exchange gifts with me and my husband. (Even though I wrapped all their gifts before I left and told them they could open them without me)

2. To get together on Christmas Day to open their “brother gifts” for one another, in part because no one knew when I’d return and one brother was going to have to leave shortly after Christmas to move to Minnesota for his new life & job. (He completed an MBA in December!)

My boys — the same ones who used to fight & bicker all the time, who drove one another (& myself) crazy — spontaneously organized a gathering. They met at the apartment of one brother, who cooked. They shared a meal. Spent time together. Exchanged gifts. Because it mattered to them. Because they care about each other (and me). They circled together and celebrated together — and showed me (& everyone else) that they "got this.” They can, will and DO handle life together. They roll with the proverbial punches and adapt to whatever’s going on. They help one another. They care for one another.

That’s the best Christmas gift I could have asked for.

Here’s to building boys!
Jen

The “Masculinity Crisis” is Real. This Forgotten Book Explains Why.

Highlights:

• “Some research reveals that, at and before age 1, boys are more outwardly emotional than girls, but by age 2 they are less verbally expressive, and by 4 they are less facially expressive. By adolescence, the one emotion boys felt permitted to openly express was anger.”

Raising Boys in the Age of Social Media: Reflections After Watching Netflix’s Adolescence

(Note: You can see my reaction to Adolescence here.)

Highlights:

• “The boys in the [TV] series [Adolescence] are not reckless for the sake of being reckless. They are searching for belonging, for identity, for a sense that they matter.”

• “When boys do not yet have the words or skills to manage those feelings, they can shut down or act out. What looks like distance is often protection. What looks like indifference is often uncertainty.”

Vaccinating Boys Against HPV Could Eliminate Cervical Cancer

(You can read my Building Boys posts about HPV here & here.)

Highlights:

• “Both men and women are at risk from HPV-linked cancers, including anal, penile, vaginal, and head and neck cancers”

• “Yet in many nations around the world, far fewer young men are getting their jabs – a massive sex discrepancy that public health advisors want to fix.”

• “In the past 20 years, South Korea’s cases of HPV-related male cancer have tripled. If more boys get vaccinated, it could prevent future deaths from these cancers as well.”

Strengthening Belonging for Underserved Boys

Highlights:

• “Boys tend to express emotional distress through externalizing behaviors like aggression, substance use or risk-taking”

• “By fostering mentorship, emotional safety and community connection, we can help boys develop stronger senses of purpose and belonging”

• “Since half of all mental health conditions manifest by age 14 and 75% by age 24,it is critical that boys’ mental well-being, including feelings of belonging, are supported to prevent mental health challenges later in life.”

• “Loneliness is more than a feeling. It is a signal that boys need spaces where they are seen, heard, and supported without judgment.”

• “Boys want more peaceful environments, and they want to learn alternatives to anger as a default emotion.”

Are Video Games Changing How Boys Grow Up? Here’s What Experts Have to Say

Highlights:

• “When it comes to young boys in particular, studies have shown that video games may be a modern path to friendships”

• “Video games can be useful to the development of children, but only when accompanied by other off-screen activities.”

• “Many studies seem to show even violent video games don’t have lasting ill-effects on boys.”

Advocating for Males & Masculinity

Highlights:

• “The story of advocacy for men and boys in 2025 is best understood not as an isolated surge, but as the culmination of several years of intellectual groundwork, grassroots persistence, and institutional awakening.”

• “Across the United States in 2025, Governors from both Democratic and Republican parties, and from both men and women leaders, played a quietly transformative role in advancing concern for men and boys”

• “Governors helped normalise the idea that caring about men and boys is simply good governance.”

• “Supporting men and boys isn’t a partisan cause…but a constructive investment in healthier families, safer communities, and a more balanced and humane society.”

‘Tis the season for resolutions & predictions, right?

I’m going to make a bold one: Shaming and forcefully “educating” boys is not going to have the impact the UK government seems to think it will.

According to multiple news reports, the country is embarking on a quest to decrease violence against women & girls by increasing surveillance of boys.

• From the BBC:

  • “Teachers will be given training to spot and tackle misogyny in the classroom”

  • “…schools will send high-risk students to get extra care and support, including behavioural courses to tackle their prejudice against women and girls.”

  • “The government hopes that by tackling the early roots of misogyny, it will prevent young men from becoming violent abusers.”

• From the Guardian:

  • “Children as young as 11 who demonstrate misogynistic behaviour will be taught the difference between pornography and real relationships”

Do NOT replicate this approach at home! (I’ll explain why in just a bit.)

Before You Think I’m Excusing Bad Behavior…

For clarity’s sake:

• I believe all students (and educators) should be safe at school (and elsewhere).

• I’m anti-violence.

• I believe that adults have a duty to act when children’s behavior (or other adults’ behavior) is inappropriate

• I believe sexism & prejudice are wrong.

• I believe all kids today should be taught the difference between porn & real relationship.

I also 100% believe that we adults have a tremendous responsibility to help our boys become good men. We all have a role to play in helping our children become decent humans.

But this ain’t the right way.

The Problem With a Surveillance-and-Shame Model

The approach outlined by the UK government is (another bold prediction!) likely to harm boys, girls, and educators. Here’s why:

• Research and experience has shown time & time again that connection, love, compassion, & understanding are the only things that change people for the better.

• Most educators are already biased against boys. It’s not intentional, but multiple research studies, across multiple countries, have shown that teachers tend to attribute negative explanations to boys’ behavior & punish boys more harshly.

• Shaming and disciplining boys for behavior without attempting to understand their perspective creates division and animosity between boys & teachers (or other adults).

• You can’t effectively teach anything to something who doesn’t want to learn. That’s true for any subject — and especially true for kids who are forced into education sessions because an adult thinks they a likely source of harm.

• When kids believe (rightly or wrongly) that they are being targeted, they go underground. Pull away from in-class discussions or relationships with teachers and instead look for places where they feel welcome, as they are. I personally believe that this initiative has the potential to drive boys deeper into the online world - & into unhealthy relationships (& activities) offline.

A Better Way

So many organizations and individuals have already found much better ways to connect with & direct boys! NextGenMen, Build Up Boys, Ashanti Branch’s Ever Forward Club, & Michael Reichert’s boys’ groups all offer boys’ real support and understanding.

Each of these groups begins with the boy — each welcomes boys, setting aside any and all preconceived notions. Each gives boys space to ask questions, without punishment. Each encourages curiosity, and allows boys to discover and grow. Each encourages connection and models compassion. Each is also grounded in solid developmental understanding of boys.

Follow their example.

What This Looks Like at Home

• Don’t lecture your son when he spouts off a misogynistic (or misogynistic-seeming) comment; get curious instead.

• Learn more about him & his world before trying to change him (or his mind). Model respectful communication & healthy relationships.

• Increase your understanding of male development. Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in World That Misunderstands Males is a great primer - & offers all kinds of tips for how to engage with your boys as he is.

• Get to know your son — & help him get to know himself. Facilitate his development, dreams, passions, and goals, while also continuing your personal development and the development of others around you.

• Include him in care. Give him real-world responsibilities, including the opportunity to care for others (younger siblings, neighbors, family elders, etc.).

This person-centered approach is much more likely to bring (& your son) success (& happiness) than the UK’s problem-centered approach.

I promise.

Here’s to building boys!
Jen

P.S. Happy holidays! Whatever holiday you and your family celebrate this time of year, I wish you joy and peace. May we all remember that light always follows storms, and may we all kindle our own light and nurture the lights of others.

Building Boys Bulletin will be back in your inbox in 2026.

IN THE NEWS

Needed: Conversation About Boys & Men

Highlights:

• “Among those struggling most are boys and young men, trying to figure out where they fit and how to express masculinity in a healthy way without cultural condemnation.”

• “Boys need men in their lives as helpful, healthy and tough-love role models.”

• “Boys who are not successfully socialized are often loose cannons. Or worse.”

Fostering Gratitude During the Holiday Season

Highlights:

• “Gratitude grows when boys feel useful and respected, not when they feel evaluated.”

• “Boys pay close attention to how adults talk about stress, abundance, and disappointment. When parents and caregivers name what they appreciate out loud, especially in ordinary moments, boys absorb the message that gratitude is a practice, not a personality trait.”

The National Education Assocation (NEA) — the “teachers’ union” in the United States — recently published an article that started like this:

The first step? Stop seeing boys as problems in your classrooms…

That is a MASSIVE step forward, friends. It is the first (& only article) I’ve seen over the last 20+ years, from a teaching organization, that correctly and accurately calls out bias and negative expectations as a major issue holding back our boys and young men.

It’s an article, from the national teachers’ union, asking teachers to intentionally connect with their male students. And it includes a section called “Rethinking Stereotypes!”

A Real Step Forward—Not a Magic Fix

I know that one article won’t fix things. I know that it will take time for these ideas to trickle down into classrooms. It’ll take time for teachers to unlearn biases and learn new ways of relating to boys. It’ll take time for schools to establish and prioritize initiatives designed to help boys, and it’ll take time for schools of eduation to incorporate information about male development into their curriculum.

But we’ve finally admitted that teachers and schools are part of problem. (Not all teachers, and not all schools, of course, but still, too many.) And we’re finally beginning, as a society, to acknowledge that boys (& men) need help.

I’m going to celebrate the win.

Here’s to building boys!
Jen

P.S. If this conversation is starting to come up in your school or PTO, feel free to share this—or reach out. I work with schools and parent groups that want to better understand boys and support them well.

IN THE NEWS

Independence vs. Boundaries

Highlights:

• “Even as boys ask for more independence, they rely on clear expectations”

• “When parents stay aware of where their kids are, who they’re with, and what they’re doing — while also keeping a strong emotional connection — boys show fewer behavior problems and stronger overall adjustment.”

• “Boys thrive most when their freedom and their guidance grow at the same pace.”

• “Middle-school boys naturally push back on chores, curfews, reminders, and limits of all varieties. Wanting more freedom before they’ve shown the consistency to handle it is part of this amazing, confounding age.”

Strategies for Teaching Boys

Highlights:

• “The first step to reversing ‘problems with boys’ is to stop seeing them as problems…Don’t see them as a problem to be managed but as a child with the same hopes and dreams as all youth.”

• “Educators may have their own internal biases—boys are lazy, boys need discipline, and so on—that lead to unequal support and discipline”

• “It’s also important to know that acting out can be a sign of mental health struggles”

• “Boys want educators to see their ‘personhood’ as more important than school policies or practices.”

How Do Young Men React To, & Recover From, Breakups?

Highlights:

• “Men are 1.8 times more likely to report current suicidal thoughts in the 12-months following a breakup”

• “In the acute aftermath, breakups create risk. But in the long run, if the risk is managed, they can provide a powerful opportunity for growth.”

Synthetic Companions, Real Risks: Why AI “Painkillers” for Loneliness Need Evidence Before Scale

Highlights:

• “Roughly three in four U.S. teens have used an AI companion. Around half are now regular users. One in five say they spend as much or more time with AI companions as with human friends.”

• “AI companions function less like digital assistants and more like digital painkillers, capable of providing relief from loneliness, but also of producing dependence and delaying the development of coping skills.”

• AI companions may be most effective/helpful when they function “like a spotter at the gym—stepping in with support during moments of crisis or transition to steady boys but stepping away when they regain their balance and re-engage with real relationships.”

• “Constantly frictionless romance or therapy-style interactions may distort and delay acquisition of the social and emotional skills needed for healthy relationships.”

What Will Fill the Void? Why Young Men Need More Than a Social Media Boundary

Highlights:

• “The third spaces where young people once gathered such as Scouts, local footy clubs, community centres, and municipal libraries have been hollowed out.”

• “For boys experiencing elevated rates of worthlessness and sadness…parasocial relationships deliver certainty. We haven’t built viable alternatives that can compete.”

• “Young men are hungry for direction, motivation, belonging.”

• “We also need sustained funding for evidence-based face to face and digital social connection programs that understand masculine pressures driving competition and emotional distance”

• “Taking something away is easy. Building something better is where the real work begins. We can’t reclaim four hours a day and expect the vacuum to fill itself.”

Why Scott Galloway Needs Me

Highlights:

• “There are multiple ways to be a man and express your masculinity, therefore anytime there is a list there is a danger that that communicates there’s a right or wrong way to be a man.”

• “It’s not that I’m against protection, provision, or procreation. The problem is that none of these three ‘p’s’ offers anything unique for boys and men to aspire towards, nor does it address the core of the issues facing boys and men.”

• “Masculinity needs to move away from being check-list driven to being process oriented. So less of a ‘to-do’ list…Less proving yourself, more knowing yourself.”

• “Beliefs around masculinity, even well-intentioned ones, become harmful when focused on the outcome: If I do these things and these things, then I become a protector, a provider, a procreator—finally worthy, finally man enough.”

  
  

Approximately half of my respondents (49%) said school is harming their sons’ well-being.

69% of families said school is a source of stress, not help, for their families.

A Way Forward

Here’s my incredibly simple solution: STOP FOCUSING ON SCHOOL. Minimize the role school plays in your lives.

Yes, school reform is absolutely needed. I want schools that better serve our boys, families, educators, and communities too. But educational change takes a long time, and if your boy, your family, is suffering as a result of school now, you can’t wait for change. Whatever changes may occur likely won’t happen quickly enough to help your son.

Changing schools — or opting out of the institutional schooling system all together and homeschooling — is another option. But realistically, that may not be an option for your family, at least not now. Odds are good that you too rely on school as a form a childcare, a place for your children to go while you’re at work. You’ve probably already explored whatever educational options are available to you (& fit your budget).

There are no perfect options. Most of us have to make do with imperfect options — and that’s okay, because as you’ve certainly learned already (& as your son will need to learn too, if he hasn’t already), the real world is a pretty imperfect place. Learning to thrive in less-than-ideal conditions is an essential life skill. Perhaps the most important one.

Refocus on What Matters

So, if school is hurting your son or causing your family stress, step back. Stop giving school so much attention and power.

I’m not saying to stop caring about your son’s education and learning; I’m saying to let go of the idea that school = learning. Relegate school to a minor part of your lives, instead of placing it at the center — even if your son spends most of his day at school.

Here’s how:

• Stop fighting about homework or grades. It’s not worth it. Prioritize connection above all.

• Protect downtime. Boys need decompression time to regulate and reset. Sleep is more important than homework. So is play.

• Separate your worth from your child’s academic performance. Your son’s grades are not a measure of your parenting or his worth. Or his potential.

• Celebrate competence outside the classroom. Building something, mastering a trick, babysitting a sibling, learning to fix a bike — this is real-world learning that matters. .

• Limit school email anxiety. Check messages on your schedule, not reactively.
This small boundary dramatically reduces stress.

• Don’t make school problems family problems. A missing assignment is between him and the system. Your job is support, not surveillance.

• Help him build a life outside school. A job, hobby, volunteer role, or maker-type project gives him identity beyond “student.”

• Talk directly with your son about the difference between “learning” and “schooling.” This helps boys disentangle their self-worth from their school experience.

I know this approach goes against a lot of what we’ve been taught about school and success. But what we — what you — are currently doing isn’t working. So why not try a new approach?

If you implement any of these ideas — or if you’ve already figured out your own ways to de-center school — I’d genuinely love to hear about them. Reply and let me know what you’re seeing in your son, and what support you could use right now.

Here’s to building boys!
Jen

P.S. Still looking for holiday gifts for friends, family, teachers, and coaches? Get ‘em a copy of Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males.

IN THE NEWS

The Bias We Pretend Doesn’t Hurt Boys (Part 2)

Highlights:

• “A culture cannot shame half its children and expect them to grow into confident, healthy adults.”

• “Because boys, like girls, are tender creatures. They feel disapproval deeply. They respond to expectations with the same sensitivity .”

• “We owe boys the same compassion we give girls”

Why Society Offers Less Sympathy When Men Fall Behind

Highlights:

• “When men fall behind, people are more likely to blame them for not trying hard enough, and are less supportive of government policies to help.”

• “54.2% of participants supported government assistance when the disadvantaged group was female, compared to only 42.2% when described as male”

• “True equality requires not just closing old gaps, but questioning our hidden assumptions about who deserves help.”

Six Ways Masculine Stereotypes are Still Limiting Boys

Highlights:

• “Between 60 and 63 percent of boys and girls believe most people expect teenage boys to be manly, confident, and strong at all times.”

• “Young men’s views of boys as disadvantaged may reflect recognition of genuine forms of male disadvantage such as in schooling outcomes”

• “The more strongly adolescent boys hold rigid views about masculinity, the less likely they are to seek help for a personal problem or to report that anyone knows them well.”