Amanda's Journal...Welcome to my World.....

Living the post grad life....(FINALLY)

broadwaysonata — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 14:42:48 GMT

1.) Having no car as a post graduate is TEN TIMES WORSE than not having one in college

2.) BUYING a car is impossible, because i am broke.

3.) Looking for a new job is TERRIFYING.

4.) Free time is nice.

5.) Too much free time is bad.

6.) Discovering my musical side again -post music school- has been an interesting, and bewildering process.

7.) Basically, everything confuses me right now.

8.) I am grateful that I'm confused about what to do AFTER school- because at least I GOT to the point of "AFTER school."

9.) I have discovered the joys of free wifi at both Panera and Starbucks, and am currently partaking. At this point in the day, there are only men in their mid fifties, alone, reading newspapers, and me. The occasional office worker runs in for coffee. Everyone looks at me oddly, but at least i have a way to pass the time before I go into work.

10.) Rediscovering friendships. I lost a dear teacher a week ago. Makes me realize how fragile and inevitable life is. Loving the small moments- the gift of an unusual crack of laughter in a movie theatre, or spending awkward moments in coffeehouses with people I like a lot but I don't know that well. Maybe some day soon, I'll know you a little better. Even if I don't....your time is still a gift that I have come to value and appreciate.

Twinkle Toes

broadwaysonata — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 03:33:23 GMT

I wrote this a while ago, and it came up in on 'return to draft?' option when I came write an entry. its about Cody, my nephew.

Hey twinkle toes. Got a smile for me?

glossy curls sticking out wildly in all directions

rosy cheeks, chubby thighs, tiny fingernails ,and long eyelashes

baby feet against the palm of my hand.

This little piggie went to the market! This little piggie had none!

a toothless smile. squeals of hysterical laughter, like the peeling of bells

fill the enclosed safety of the flower patterned tent above our heads.

Our little world- where apathy has no hold- corruption has no reign.

We, this life and mine, lay side by side. smiling in our little makeshift tent

that holds a broken world at bay.

This little man might be president, might be a firefighter or he might be superhero, like the ones flying allover his pajama pants. He might make things with his perfect little hands, or travel many places with his intrepid little feet. Either way, this babyboy will always be a giant in my eyes- the best at what he does.

Right now, he is the agilest walker, the heartiest eater. The healthiest pooper! The most beautiful babbler. He is a genius at everything he does. When he smiles, the world sparkles, shimmers, and glows behind my eyes. When he is sick, my heart shatters a little at the sound of his tired crying, his puffy eyes.

In this world he has created in me, everything is light, and air, and hope. And, the greatest of ironies.... I create his world. I Pray my little corruptions- in the way I move, breathe, speak- might never truly inject themselves into the purity of this umblemished soul. I pray I do more good than harm.

but as of right now, all sins are forgiven .in this little sanctuary of soft cloth, transparent as rays of light shine down to kiss his soft golden skin...I am freer than I have been in all my life.

broadwaysonata — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 01:41:42 GMT

I need to sing.

I need to SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!

broadwaysonata — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 19:59:17 GMT

I'm doing fairly well in school right now.

I'm single, now- again. which....I'm actually really okay with.

I've always been content being single. I mean, I want children and a family, but right now,
I really just enjoy the time I'm having with friends. And I really dont have the time rignt now for a romantic relationship, if I'm honest.

I'm learning how to cope with life in and stay joyful despite circumstances.

pray for Nadine, and baby Aria. and my brother- her father- Micheal.

Oh Hosea.....

broadwaysonata — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 02:33:11 GMT

Come and let us return to the Lord;

for He was torn, but He will heal us;
He was stricken, but he will bind us up.

After two days He will revive us;

On the third day He will raise us up, That we may live in His sight.

Let us know.
Let us persue the knowledge of the Lord.

His going forth is established as the morning;

He will come to us like the rain,

Like the latter and the former rain to the earth.

Hosea 6:1-3

....I love how the story of redemption has been told to us before christ even came onto the earthly scene.

He was telling us what he would do for us since the beginning. before Jesus, or even Roman rule; the scene for redemption was being set even in the humble story of a prophet of God taking a harlot as a wife- and its parallelism to the children of Isreal. Modern day christianity doesn't find this necessarily valuable.

I find this scripture and astounding reassurance of what God wants for me.

When Jesus died on the cross for our sins- we died with him; when he rose on the third day- we rose again as new creations, conquerors of death, given new life, and new purpose. The new testament talks about this all the time- Paul talks about it the most- there's entire chapters and books devoted to telling us what New Life looks like and what it means.

but this context says something different to me. its more personal, and real.

Hosea is a book about this prophet who has been asked to take a harlot as a wife- a shameful, embarrassing thing for a man of his day- but God asked him to do it, so he did. The woman took other lovers and wore their gifts flauntingly- Hosea over and over again would win her back, and forgive her, and again and again she'd go back to those other men. In this way, Hosea's life illustrated what Isreal did to God- a harlot, seeking other lovers. But this chapter 6 says somethind different. Its a call to repentance, yes, but also a something entirely different- a promise. a statement.

He will heal her. he will bind her wounds. He will give her new life, his going forth is as the morning (*LIGHT!!!*), and he will come like the rain.

a harlot no longer.
a deep rooted knowledge that we MEAN something to HIM. That when he comes "like the rain"- everything has been honestly, sincerely, fully WASHED from us.

and it says right here.... purpose of this cleansing wasn't simply to be clean.

It was so that he could look on us. stripped of the taudry trinkets of a faithless love, he could look at just us.

just the face of the beauty he created.

and smile.

and say.....

My Bride. :)

Sugar high-induced introspection.....

broadwaysonata — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 05:20:42 GMT

its very strange that someone might think I am beautiful.

I mean, I tell people all day at the store I work at that they are beautiful and that they really need to look in the mirror, and get that, but when someone says "you're beautiful"

automatically, I don't trust it.

someone recently said that to me, and my immediate reaction was "he hasn't seen me enough" or "he'll change his mind" and then I go from that reason to "he must want something from me." I was waiting for the punchline, the whole time. I feel like the word "Beautiful" puts an expectation on me- and that I'm not going to live up to it. that the next time that person sees me , they will look at me, and be disappointed that I'm not as beautiful or as wonderful a person as they remember- like that cookie you had when you were really hungry for the first time...when you tried it again, it just wasn't as good.

I'm afraid I might be too much. I'll be too loud, my jokes will be to obnoxious.I'll be too dorky. I'll be too sarcastic. Or I'm afraid I won't be enough. Not enough beauty. Not enough patience.not enough Strength. Not enough grace.

I think it might be- at the root of it.....that I somehow feel like all the appeal I have is outward...and that once you get past that outward appeal- that's what's in my heart won't be compelling. that is might be REpelling.

so its always been easier to ignore the idea that someone might think of me as an attractive woman, as desirable, as worthy- and focus on the idea that I'm a fun personality that people like to hang out with- and that I can enjoy the people around me without allowing to think of ANYONE who comes into my line of sight with any kind of romantic speculation whatsoever.

see- there is no real heart-risk involved in that. I don't take the risk of liking someone- and in my mind- they don't take the risk of liking me.

and then someone calls me "beautiful"- and muddles that all up.

so....in essence, what it all boils down to is.........I'm basically AFRAID.

Of the word BEAUTIFUL.

isn't that funny?

okay........I'm done.

Merry Christmas.

broadwaysonata — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 06:03:57 GMT

Okay....

so maybe, somedays...

I am a little dramatic.

broadwaysonata — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 23:23:22 GMT

There are days I feel like running-screaming down the street, shaking my fists and crying.

I look at every window and I want to shatter it- every door, I want to break it down with an axe, bust through it like its not even there.

I want to jump into icy water, and let numbness take over.

I want to be apathetic to everything and everyone- even my own heart.

I to shout until my throat bleeds, and fall to the ground and not get up.

why am I still breathing? whats the point?

...this is one of those days.

broadwaysonata — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 01:19:32 GMT

I laced a man into a corset at work on thursday.

I insisted he put on his pants before I came into the dressing room.

....and while I was lacing him into the corset, I was definitely praying for him.

Man, seriously? My job gives some prime opportunities for prayer.

broadwaysonata — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 05:37:06 GMT

If Eric Whitacre wasn't already married to his beautiful Hebrew/Soprano Muse, I would totally make a pass at him.

Seriously? who wouldn't want to married a genius?

No, but really, I'm totally going to marry Brahms one day. I don't care if he's dead or not. I'm officially announcing our engagement.

....although right now, I'm listening to Whitacre right now. Does that count as adultery?

LOL. Oh my goodness, I feel like my ears are so happy they might flutter off the sides of my head, like too fleshy butterflies.

I started looking for The Five Hebrew Love songs solo arrangement for Shelly's wedding (*Which, btw, I don't think they've actually released it yet, because its not showing up anywhere*) and I just got caught up in whitacre would.

I think I need to go back and spend time with my future spouse. Brahms-ie poo is FAB, but I'm to wonder exactly WHICH musical genius would mostly efficiently help me produce musical genius babies so I can start my own chamber choir. and seeing as how Whitacre is just PWNING choir music....although Brahms PWNS like...alot of everything else.....

LOL. I love how some people say when they want lots of kids that "they're trying for a baseball team".

...and I say "I'm trying for a choir"

okay. I'm a dork.

...or maybe I should marry Britten. -no, wasn't he gay? Wolf? no- he was batty- ran screaming down the street "I am Mahler!".....Berlioz was a big jerk-face/player (*but insanely talented!*).......Schubert was a pansy(*but a really HOT one!*).....

LOL. maybe i need to just NOT marry a musician. I swoon far too easily at the "humblest stroke of The Bard's pen."

maybe I should marry an accountant. Or...a lawyer.

-for now, I'm still engaged to Brahms.:) (*Maybe because he's still eternally devoted to Clara Schumman? the unattainable seem to be my constant. LOL.*)

I need to go to bed.

broadwaysonata — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 04:21:03 GMT

Why do emotions suck so much?

why does work have to be so much....WORK?

why can't it be something resembling FUN? or even INTERESTING?

why do I have to bite and scratch and claw my way out of my own head to get work done?

I emotionally exhausted from fighting myself- so much so that I can't even face the reality of the choice I've made.

I'm constantly....distracted.

It's like I've programmed myself to quit before I've even begun.

ugh. you know what?Its not even that I don't like my job. I've just worked too many hours in a row, and now my brain is like overly scrambled eggs that even a little kid would pass over. and now I have home work.

home. work.

UGH.

this just...sucks.

emotions suck.

on a sidenote (*distracted much?*)

-the word "suck" is one of the most satisfying words to say outloud. with lots of sibilance, and a biting consonant at the end.....

Its awesome. its got just the right amount of everything- for getting my frustration in my mouth, wear I can chew on it, and spit it out.

SUUUUUCK.

...suck. this sucks.

(*checks again*)
yep. THIS STILL SUCKS.

okay. I feel better now.

(*goes to do homework*)

Renee Fleming basically owns me.

broadwaysonata — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 01:02:01 GMT

I'm singing this aria this semester. LOVE it. makes me want to weep, because of what happens to Susannah after it. It's GEORGEOUS though.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jk9JV3gpwvc

Renee actually takes a lot of liberties with the rhythms, but hey...she's Renee Fleming. and she's SOOO emotive.

I want to connect to people in that way when I sing.

I love this soundtrack.

broadwaysonata — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 05:21:45 GMT

LISTEN TO THIS PLAYLIST. seriously.

Well....if you have a time constraint, you can just listen to some of it (*admittedly there are a few songs on here I'm not completely enamored w/ but all the good ones are on here!*)

http://www.imeem.com/ninafarishadren/playlist/uAgzZn65/spring_waltz_music_playlist/

One of my fav korean songs is "One Love" - by Loveholic. its totally the cutest.
but mostly the reason I love this soundtrack is because I love basically anything Yiruma (* all the piano, instrumental, and amazing*)
Why? because listening to Yiruma is like the taste of chocolate, and your own tears. its like a moment when you're being held by someone who is feeling the exact replica of the emotion you're currently feeling. the reassurance, and insecurity of that vulnerable meeting of kindred hearts....

that's Yiruma. he sensitive to the fragility and depth of human emotion. ...or at least his music is.

I love Yiruma. ;)

Now...go listen. You can put it on like you're doing homework,like I do.
STREAMINGMUSICONLINEISMYFAV.

broadwaysonata — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 05:12:19 GMT

#1 most hated thing to do in the world....

MOVE FURNITURE. or...really...any of my things.

ugh.

I think this is my next swimsuit.

broadwaysonata — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 03:50:01 GMT

LOL. All my Islamic ladies in the house say...heck yeah!

America...meet the "burqini".

http://modestswimsuits.co.uk/product/Modest_Fit_MFP20_2177_NavyAqua_Burqini_3_Flowers_3XL_Modest_Swimsuit

Now...usually i'm all about the bass/baritone voices...but....

broadwaysonata — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 03:44:18 GMT

...then came juan diego florez. one of few operatic high tenors I can actually...enjoy!

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=89884693

(*look on the left for the donizetti aria that he encored that the Met (*the first encore done there in 14 yrs!*)

broadwaysonata — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 04:11:25 GMT

I. have. Hope.

broadwaysonata — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 04:11:25 GMT

Regina Spektor is cool

I really want to eat icecream right now.

I want to practice too.

my one of my roommates is moving in tomorrow. I'm a smidge freaked out. living with someone new is really scary sometimes.

think about how freaked out I am, makes me want to eat icecream even more.
ben and jerry's phish food.

I'm glad publix isn't open.

broadwaysonata — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 07:30:29 GMT

I can't believe I honestly, really, truly question everything in my life...on like...a daily basis.

I can't sleep, because my brain won't stop assessing everything that has gone one today- and its not like there was a whole buttload of stuff, you know?

I need a tranquilizer- or ...a lobotomy.

brains suck. they don't do anything but just sit there and think, and stress you out.

I LOVE this song. Ilovethissongilovethissongilovethissong. alot.

broadwaysonata — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 06:47:27 GMT

this song is seriously awesome. I think I only like this version though- its sung by Alex from the internationally loved group Clazziquai. totally awesome stuff. you need to check it out. and love it. they sing in english too.

Translations and romanization.(*incase you feel the need to sing along in butcher Korean. like I do :)*)
by Loveholic (*originally, it was written by a woman for a man. but Alex just...SOUNDs better singing it. so...I dont care*)

Hwa Bun
Flower Pot

Meol li seo meol li seo meol li seo geu dae ga o ne yo
He is approaching, from a far far far distance,
I ddeol li neun ma eumeul eo ddeoh ke malae ya ha na yo
How am I to express my shaking heart?
Keu daen
He...

Cheo eum bu teo na ui ma eumeul bbae eod go
Stole my heart from the very start,
Na eul su eobd neun byeong eul nae ge ju eodd jyo
And gave me an illness that I cannot recover from.
Hwa buni doel lae yo
I want to become a flower pot,
Na neun neul ki do ha jyo
I pray all the time.

Nan geu dae jageun chang ga e
I want to become a flower pot,
Hwa buni doel gge yo
That stands on his small window sill.
A mu mal modhae do pa lal su eobseo do
Even if I won't be able to say a word, or expect anything,
Ka ggeum keu dae ui mi so wa son gileul padeu myeo
From time to time, I'll receive his smile and caresses,
Jam deun keu dae eol gul han eobshi bul su idd gedd jyo
And just watch his face as he sleeps.

Meol li do meol li do meol li do
He's leaving,
Keu dae ga ga ne yo
Very far far far away.
Ddeoleo ji neun nun muleul eo ddeoh ke
How am I supposed to soothe,

Dal lae ya ha na yo
These falling tears?
Keu daen
He...

(*sobs*).....Alex sings this for Shin Ae on "We got married" just as hes about to tell her he's leaving the show- but he asks he to wait for him!. everyone was crying. it was totally adorable.

/endspazzydramafreakmoment.

broadwaysonata — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 03:38:40 GMT

I've been promoted at work. part time key holder. it means more money- and more responsiblities.

I was thinking tonight- have I ever actually been asked to be a leader before?

I mean, other than leading music at church, and teaching preschool, I haven't been asked to lead. I can lead people in a chorus- but ask me to give them directions to follow, and work to do, and being asked to set a good example- and I feel complete bereft of ability. I'm soooo much better at following directions- rules. I'm not good at enforcing them, unless its a child- and its because they have developed no self control. but what about those people I work with who have never seen me be a manager, and have just seen me be a peer? to follow directions from me? must they really?

I'm going back to school again. I decided to give it another try

I went through and assessed, again, why I am even in school in the first place. I think I should write them down here, so when I forget and am stressed- I can just look back here.

1.) I'm going to school because I love singing.

2.) I'm going to school, because I want to find my purpose

3.) i'm going to school,because I actually LOVE to learn. I just forget that sometimes in the midst of the chaos that I can allow my life to become.

4.) there are still things that college, and the college experience can teach me.

5.) because I want to stop running from the things I'm afraid of. I dont want to feel sick to my stomach at the thought of my failure everytime I think of school.

6.) because I want to learn to perservere. I want to learn the maturity and endurance it takes to really be a diligent, honest to goodness musician, and a academic student.

7.) I want to remember what its like to feel like I've succeeded. because these days, even when I actually have succeeded at one thing, I just think of all the other things I've failed- and my perspective becomes completely skewed.

8.)because I feel like this is what God wants me to do. and hey, really, if he wants me there, then he'll give me the money, and provide the finances.

changes, transition, new beginnings.

I don't need to be afraid of those things.

I need to learn to accept that I can really change, and really be forgiven.

SO, what did I do friday night?

broadwaysonata — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 03:40:59 GMT

1.) worked until ten (*work actually was pretty cool*)

2.) was accidentally locked out of the appartment I'm staying in....overnight

3.) had a man on a dark street corner wave a knife at me, and say something I didn't understand

.) heard a gun fired five times the next street over

5.) watched a drunken girl stumble around blindly in the front yard of the apartment building, unsuccessfully trying to dial some number on her cellphone.

6.) combated the stress of the night with hummus and lettuce sandwiches, lentil soup, and five episodes of "My So-Called Life". (*thanks sherri!*)

7.)collapsed in an exhausted heap, and was awoken by Sherri Dean three times in the middle of the night- twice because I was snoring..... once because she was (*reaaally loudly*).

life is very funny sometimes.

broadwaysonata — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 18:24:00 GMT

um....I want to say something....um....umm.........

stop farting around on LJ, and finish writing your paper, Amanda.

:P

:P

:P I WILL FINISH THIS PAPER. ARRRGH (*attacks in a flurry of typing*)

Baby weight- the birth of Rachel Elizabeth Little- a week old!

broadwaysonata — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 19:07:28 GMT

Baby weight

a soft heated bundle in the middle of my chest

quick breaths that make me slow my own.

I can't tell where she begins and I end.

tiny fingers, splayed on my chest.

whispers of hair

the lightest blonde lashes

perfectly sculpted little ears

surprisingly long feet.

cuddled up like a sweetsmelling frog

on top of my chest.

doll face

soft sighs of breath from

rosebud lips;

cuddled into the corner of my neck.

every movement is this tiny,

fragile,

breathtaking

Miracle.

Rachel.

and Rachel.

sit side by side in the middle of my heart,

in the middle of my chest.

I love you both, my sweetie peas.

thoughts in my head right now.

broadwaysonata — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 01:02:51 GMT

I have some questions I'd like answers for

I have doubts

I am confused

I am willfull

I am afraid of myself

I am shameful.

-There are answers I've been given, and will be given in time

-I have been given enough faith to see through the doubt- I've been given unshakeable evidence- of a God who cares, and manifests himself in my life everytime I turn around.

-I might be confused now- but I've been given enough insight to see what I'm called to see at the right time. As confused as I have been about things, I've been given discernment when I need it, and wisdom when its called for. this is what I know.

-when I am willfull, God has a habit of breaking me down until the only thing I will is to find a way to see him through all of the chaos I've created in my own life.when I let him in, he works in me.

- I am afraid of who the devil says I am- who I am without Christ. but the things in me that he's made, that are good things... those things i can believe are real(*because of him*); those things I can ask him to increase(*because he wants to*). those things I can be thankful for(* because I'm not cabaple of producing them on my own*). Perfect Love casts out all fear. doubt and dispair flooding always flee (*kicking and screaming*), when I hear the name of Jesus.

- am am no longer ashamed. I am no longer the person I was, but am a new creation. Gold refined can have the dross stuck back on it- poured over it, or dirtied; but the Gold is still intrinsically the same- purified. all it needs is polishing (*which can be a rough process to undergo...but...*)

God is good.