Cherries
Finding your people and the pleasure of being alone.
A quick note: I really value this Substack as a way to cultivate online connections and don’t take the space in your inbox for granted. If anything resonates with you, please hit reply and lmk! The first half is an update and some reflections, scroll to the end for community resources and recommendations.
Let’s get into it
Earlier this month, I celebrated my 29th birthday.
The lead up to 29 included three cities and six flights; a month in New York with chosen family, biking over bridges singing Chappell Roan at the top of my lungs, and showing Theo some of my favorite spots; and a week in Salt Lake participating in the Luk Nimit burial at our temple, witnessing my mom as a community leader, and quality time with Bruno. It culminated with a week in Lisbon fulfilling a decade-long vision that you can read more about on my Instagram.
The day of my birthday itself, though? That was spent alone, back in San Diego, watching Ted Lasso, and eating a huge bowl of cherries.
These days, I find a lot of pleasure in my solo space. Sometimes, I wonder… too much? And following a month in NYC where my social life felt so alive, I also wonder: do I only like being alone so much because I haven’t quite “found my people” here?
While I deeply value the connections I’ve made over the past 2.5 years in San Diego, I haven’t quite found that flow.
Spontaneously calling a friend who lives a few blocks away to grab a glass of wine
Sitting in silence, scrolling our phones while a show plays in the background
A dinner that turns into an unplanned night
An abundance of communities — women’s group, creative co-works, neighborhood blocks — where it’s easy to feel like part of something
Knowing that when someone says, “We need to hang out!” they’ll actually make plans and follow through on them
Am I grasping at memories from my early 20’s? Is it just hard to make friends without the social net of school and office-work? Is there something wrong with me?
As much as it’d be nice to have that “go-to friend group,” you can’t force the flow. It’s a combination of chemistry, physical proximity, capacity to even cultivate a relationship, living life together, and… time.
Maybe I haven’t landed on the right combination yet. Maybe this city isn’t for me. Maybe growing older is less about finding that friend group, but about knowing the people you’ve already found will always hold your heart — it just might not be in one city. And rather than feeling like I need to break my heart apart, maybe it can be big enough to exist in many people and in many places around the world.
As I navigate grad school applications and a career transition, maybe life is simply yet to reveal what’s next. For now though, I’m at peace — which feels pretty radical to say after spending my late 20’s in coaching programs and therapy sessions, ferociously searching for it. I’m at peace with saying goodbye to my 20’s and this moment of limbo. I’m at peace spending some time alone with a big bowl of cherries.
What’s on your mind re: friendships and community?
Community Care
To support the many fundraising campaigns for families surviving in and evacuating Gaza & Sudan, Yejin Lee is organizing one campaign per month w/ a specific goal + rewards by/for the community when the goal is met. I love this creative and collaborative way to focus mutual aid efforts.
Currently Inspiring Me
Topical Cotent:
How People Are Making Friendship Work Right Now. Shared by my friend Rebecca Chen after a 2 hour catch up where we analyzed the anatomy of adult friendships. I especially love the distinction made between friendships and community, and the varying degrees of relationships we need.
America’s Sweethearts: Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. I binged this in two days on Netflix. It’s a wild ride through Texas, football, and Jesus — revealing the darker side of belonging, and what people will do to manufacture and feel it.
Listening:
The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess. It’s Chappell Roan summer baby 🤠
Reading:
Babel by R.F. Kuang. An incredible exploration of colonialism, belonging, and the empire through language and magic. One of my favorite reads this year.
The Green Bone Saga (series) by Fonda Lee. A gorgeous epic about family, legacy, globalization, and (of course) magic. I haven’t wept over a book like this since Dobby died.
The War of Lost Hearts (series) by Carissa Broadbent. A complex heroine, an unwaveringly supportive MMC, action, and smut. What more do you need?
Learning:
Black Octopus Society. Resmaa Menakem’s work has transformed my life and inspired my exploration of somatic healing work. His recently launched community platform is 🤌🏽
Glitter on. Deep breath. Rest well until next time.
bp