About 15 years ago, I was on a course working on a Master’s degree. It was a two-week intensive. From morning to evening, sometimes late evening, we listened, discussed, and took loads of notes. I loved every minute of it. But during the second week, near the end of the week, I hit a wall. It was like my brain had reached its capacity to take anything else in. I could listen, I could comprehend but I couldn’t really take it in. It felt like my whole soul was full and I couldn’t even fit in a “wafer thin mint” without exploding.

I feel a similar fullness but there’s no joy in this fullness.

There’s nothing soul satisfying about it.

This time it’s all the news from home and away that has my soul in shock.

It’s just too much.

Historically, I’m prone to mainline news and information. If you could put education and information in an IV, I’d ask you to hook me up and keep me hooked up.

But not now. Not today.

Not this week or last or last month.

I’m done.

I’m cooked.

I’m that really uncomfortable kind of full where I would prefer to throw up if I could.

The ongoing news from Churchworld makes my heart sick. One leader after another leader, even men I’ve known, being called out for treating women as objects and abusing their positions to do harm in the name of love. Right behind them are the posts and podcasts and articles and interviews in which supporters and fans provide justification or “there but for the grace of God go I” platitudes that make me want to vomit.

Context matters. This fullness comes from hearing story after story after story of “successful” and high-profile pastors, religious authors and leaders, have been called out for doing harm – but sometimes only after people in power have been forced to do something by the weight of public exposure. It’s not just the harm done by individuals making evil, free-will choices. It’s the harm compounded by those who seek first to cover things up or keep things quiet until the pressure becomes too great to hold it in.

It’s reading about all the NDA’s that religious leaders and pastors have required terminated employees to sign – not to keep the secrets of congregants but to keep secrets from congregants.

And it’s the “news of the day” about the latest ugly, harmful, evil thing done by the President of the United States and those who work on his behalf, compounded by the never-ending justifications, whataboutisms and full-throated support of my fellow followers of Jesus.

I feel completely and utterly betrayed by evangelical community I was a part of for 40 years – the largest percentage of this life I’ve had to live.

And it all leaves me feeling like I’m left with two settings – I’m numb or I’m in full rant mode. Neither setting is conducive for writing about things that other people, people like you, want to read about.

That’s why I have no posted much. I don’t want to subject you to either posts that feel entirely tone-deaf to the times we are in (which I believe with all my heart are dire and apocalyptic) or that rant and rave and leave you feeling like you wished you’d never clicked on this – or any – post I’ve written.

I suppose in the thick, ugliness of my overfull soul, this is a metaphorical burp or fart to relieve some of the pressure and alert you all by the dank smell of this post that everything is not “all right” inside of me.

I completely understand if you need to change seats and feel like you need to keep your distance from me.

I do my best to hold my tongue. I’m definitely not saying everything I’m thinking and feeling. Nobody wants that.

Nobody needs that.

So I apologize for being so quiet right now. It feels like my choices are simple, fall silent or scream and scream and scream.

The fun thing is that I know some will read all of this and think I’m being dramatic or over the top or I’m overreacting to things or just being a “libtard.” And knowing that, while I feel what I feel, makes me want scream all the louder or find a deeper cave in which to crawl.

Thankfully, I see my therapist next week and he will sort me out.

Meanwhile, I see you out there, those of you who know what I’m talking about, and I appreciate your courage and your kindness in this moment. May we all live long enough to see the return of the better days ahead.

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