{"id":401970,"date":"2012-08-31T17:56:25","date_gmt":"2012-08-31T17:56:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/%d7%9c%d7%9c%d7%90-%d7%a7%d7%98%d7%92%d7%95%d7%a8%d7%99%d7%94\/the-same-mistakes\/"},"modified":"2023-04-25T11:56:43","modified_gmt":"2023-04-25T11:56:43","slug":"the-same-mistakes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/401970\/","title":{"rendered":"The Same Mistakes"},"content":{"rendered":"

I suffer from a chronic problem. It\u2019s been going on for years already, and just recently I discovered the root of the issue. But let me describe my problem first before I move on to my diagnosis. Each morning I go through the same routine: I drag myself out of bed to the catchy tunes of, \u201cEma!! I want CHOCOLATE MILKY!!\u201d <\/em>Or I get kicked out of bed by any one of 3 mystery intruders who have somehow managed to covertly seize 99% of the mattress, leaving me a nano-sliver at the end. After un-cramping my joints and getting dressed, I attempt to navigate my way through the obstacle course of toys without damaging my feet, and here is where my problem begins. Each morning I get caught up in… \u201cThe Mess That Wouldn\u2019t Go Away<\/em>\u201d. I sigh, I roll my eyes, I mutter, and eventually I get reactive and start complaining to myself (and to my husband) about the mess. The Mess is like an annoying, overly-talkative party guest that doesn\u2019t get the hint that it\u2019s time to leave even as you\u2019re turning off the lights and getting into bed!<\/span><\/p>\n

As I make my way to the kitchen, I shake my head at the perpetual mountain of laundry that needs to be folded. The color of the living room rug peeks out from underneath the hundreds of microscopic Legos (G-d I hate Legos!) and blocks and cars and on and on… The kitchen table is covered in bills, drawings, crayons, pencil shavings, everything but food. The sinks are filled to maximum capacity with dishes. The \"\"laundry is lying haphazardly on the floor, patiently waiting for me to finish sorting it. I almost have an anxiety attack just taking it all in! How is it possible? Did I not just clean most of it up yesterday?\u00a0 And of course there\u2019s the kids\u2019 bathroom, which is\u00a0 decorated in sparkly toothpaste and toilet paper. What is this, a fraternity house?? <\/span><\/p>\n

Thank G-d my kids are cute… <\/span><\/p>\n

My husband, ever the objective and detached one, always points out the same facts: I have four young boys<\/em>, Baruch Hashem, and they\u2019re going to make a mess! The fact that he always reminds me about the boy thing is kind of annoying- as if to say girls aren\u2019t expected to make a mess. I remember being plenty messy! Or was that my sister? Yeah, that was her; definitely not me! I was perfect! But seriously, he\u2019s right. Having four young kids is a recipe for a messy house.<\/span><\/p>\n

So I\u2019ve been thinking about it, and I know just two families who have kids and a relatively neat house. And these families have live-in help! My life is a life in progress. I realize that. I know that I will not see the day that my house stays neat and clean for more than five minutes- at least until my kids move out. But even that will hopefully be short-lived, because they will be bringing my grandchildren over! (Yikes!) Everyone I know has a life in progress. We\u2019re far away from having a statically clean house. Objectively, I realize that. But when I have to experience it day after day- it drives me crazy!<\/span><\/p>\n

Recently I was on the Emuna Parenting conference call with Dr. Zev Ballen, our wonderful and amazing in-house psychotherapist. I thought I would ask him why I\u2019m so bothered by the mess, and he told me that I must work on letting go of the need to have things in order. So I was thinking about it, and then an interesting thought came to me- I\u2019m spoiled! I grew up with live-in help for much of my life, and my house was relatively neat. But as I thought about it further, I realized that in fact, I\u2019m very far from spoiled. I never looked for the easy way out of anything, and certainly wasn\u2019t looking for an easy lifestyle. If I wanted that, I would have stayed in Miami, where I had my parents and friends close by if I needed help. Even now, my husband has to remind me to ask for help when life gets too overwhelming. No, being spoiled wasn\u2019t the issue… so what was it?<\/span><\/p>\n

About a week passed by before I got my answer. It wasn\u2019t me<\/em> who was stressed out by the mess- it was my mother! <\/em>\u00a0Aaagghh<\/em>! My mother was in my head! How could this have happened?! All those years I thought I was ignoring her, and she managed to slip into my subconscious! She would make the Mossad proud!<\/span><\/p>\n

Her famous words came back to haunt me: \u201cYou need help! You can\u2019t live like this! You can\u2019t do it on your own!\u201d And she was telling me this when I had just one kid! When I gave birth to my fourth one, you can imagine how she was pressuring me… \u201cYou must get help! You need someone here for 8 hours a day, every day!\u201d Believe me, I understand that she had only the best intentions for me, and that she wanted me to have it easy. Most parents feel this way. But there is a very fine line between wanting your child to have the best and debilitating your child because of how you think they should live. <\/span><\/p>\n

Then I began to see her disapproval in every area of my life. \u201cYou\u2019re giving the kids turkey sandwiches for dinner? You\u2019re not showering them tonight? You\u2019re not taking them on daily excursions after school??\u201d You know what they say- the path of good intentions leads to Hell. Yes, she intended to be helpful in her strange way. But what did she really end up doing? She ended up creating this massive self-doubt and self-persecution in me. I actually feel guilty when my kids get eggs or sandwiches for dinner! What\u2019s wrong with cereal once in a while? Well, it\u2019s not a five course meal, so it\u2019s borderline neglect! When she was here, she was beyond stressed out by the constant buildup of mess. Her stress was contagious, and still lingers on, like radiation poisoning. <\/span><\/p>\n

Believe it or not, there are several positive aspects to my realization. First, I have realized that I must give myself more credit. I deal with high-stress situations every day- as a maid, chef, chauffer, mediator, referee, personal shopper, wardrobe, animal tamer, etc. Not only do I deal with them, but for the most part I do all of my jobs happily. The hardest job in the world is to be a mom, especially a mom that has a full-time job on top of her family demands. Second, I realized that the yetzer is ten steps ahead of me. For years he had me confused about my unexplainable intolerance for messiness. The funniest thing is, I\u2019m not a control freak or a neat freak! If I were, this would have all made sense long ago, and I would have been aware of the cause of my stress from the beginning. <\/span><\/p>\n

Third and most importantly, I have realized the root of my self-persecution. I hate to do this, but I have no choice. The root is my mother! I\u2019m not blaming her for everything, G-d forbid, but I\u2019m trying to make a point: Our generation, as Rav Arush says, suffers tremendously from the plague of self-persecution. We come down on ourselves in so many ways. Think of the ways in which you persecute yourself. Do you think you\u2019re not successful enough? Not good-looking enough? Not smart enough? Whatever it is, where did those thoughts come from? Think back to when you were a kid. Did your parents berate you and tell you the million and one ways you were doing something wrong? Did they support you when you made a mistake, or did they point out and amplify your mistakes? When they were angry with you, did they insult you? Do they still insult you?<\/span><\/p>\n

Of course, unless your parents are like Rav Arush, Rav Brody, and company, they have done one or all of the above. The purpose of me pointing this out is not to get you to blame your parents. The purpose is to get you to begin to separate their feelings about you from your feelings about yourself. How they see you is not who you really are. Your \u201cfaults\u201d may not necessarily be faults at all, and they probably don\u2019t know realize how many talents and positive qualities you really have. <\/span><\/p>\n

More importantly, you now have the opportunity to stop the cycle. Don\u2019t repeat your parents\u2019 mistakes on your kids. I know, it\u2019s human nature to have the same tendencies as our parents. But this is one area that is relatively easy to control and fix. The formula is simple:<\/span><\/p>\n

If you don\u2019t persecute your kids, they won\u2019t persecute themselves. <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

I honestly can\u2019t believe how hard it is for me to not yell at my kid when he spilled juice all over the floor and just walked away like nothing happened. I feel like strangling someone (him) at that moment. But I realize that kids are like emotional sponges- whatever you tell them, good or bad, they will absorb and internalize. Later on, if they have low self-esteem, it will be very hard for them to fix it. <\/span><\/p>\n

But, rejoice! You might be thinking about how unfair it is- being the one to stop the cycle. Instead, realize how much Hashem believes in you! You\u2019re strong! You have the capacity to break things that could have been passed down for generations! Hashem chose you<\/em> to make a new beginning for your children and all future generations! Accept the challenge with excitement!\u00a0 If you\u2019re ready to un-brainwash yourself, listen to Rabbi Brody\u2019s cd\u2019s: <\/span><\/span>Educating Children with Love<\/span><\/a><\/span><\/span>, <\/span><\/span>All in the Family<\/span><\/a><\/span><\/span>, <\/span><\/span>The Family Connection<\/span><\/a><\/span><\/span>, <\/span><\/span>Complete Recovery<\/span><\/a><\/span><\/span>, and <\/span><\/span>Hashem Loves Me<\/span><\/a><\/span><\/span>.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I suffer from a chronic problem. It\u2019s been going on for years already, and just recently I discovered the root of the issue. But let me describe my problem first before I move on to my diagnosis. Each morning I go through the same routine: I drag myself out of bed to the catchy tunes … Continue reading “The Same Mistakes”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":62109,"featured_media":1275371,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_joinchat":[],"footnotes":""},"categories":[15180],"tags":[21416,25692,16552,47184],"author_post":[15157],"new_serie":[],"class_list":["post-401970","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-children-and-education","tag-child-education","tag-parenting","tag-teshuva","tag-cheshbon-hanefesh","author_post-racheli-reckles"],"acf":{"intro_text":"

It\u2019s human nature to have the same tendencies as our parents, but we have to be extra careful not to repeat the same mistakes on our own children...<\/p>\n","breslev_id":"22748","post_views_count":"89","help_field_to_import_order_in_category":"174","updatetime":"01\/01\/0001","special_content_in_the_post":"none","meta_title":"","meta_description":"","paragraph_first":"","paragraph_second":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/401970","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/62109"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=401970"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/401970\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1275371"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=401970"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=401970"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=401970"},{"taxonomy":"author_post","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/author_post?post=401970"},{"taxonomy":"new_serie","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/new_serie?post=401970"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}