{"id":1089153,"date":"2020-02-05T08:40:16","date_gmt":"2020-02-05T08:40:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/%d7%9c%d7%9c%d7%90-%d7%a7%d7%98%d7%92%d7%95%d7%a8%d7%99%d7%94\/tough-love\/"},"modified":"2025-01-29T10:54:19","modified_gmt":"2025-01-29T07:54:19","slug":"tough-love","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/1089153\/","title":{"rendered":"Tough Love"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\n

When I read the articles by David ben\u00a0<\/span><\/span>Horin<\/span><\/span>\u00a0(<\/span><\/span>Jungle Warfare<\/span><\/span><\/a><\/span>) and Rachel\u00a0 <\/span><\/span>Avrahami<\/span><\/span>\u00a0 (<\/span><\/span>The War of Google and\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/span>MaGoogle<\/span><\/span><\/a>)<\/span><\/span>, I knew that I just had to throw in my two cents.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0After all, I lived this.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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\u00a0<\/p>\n

When I married my ex-husband, there were a few clues that he was into dirty stuff, but I had no clue how serious the issue was, nor\u00a0<\/span><\/span>just\u00a0<\/span><\/span>how mired in the muck he was. He swore to me that he wanted only me and that he would get rid of it altogether. He later admitted that it lasted\u00a0<\/span><\/span>less than<\/span><\/span>\u00a0one month.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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\u00a0<\/p>\n

For the duration of the marriage, I called him the \u201cRDH\u201d \u2013 Rapidly Disappearing Husband. One example of so many painful memories: Our very\u00a0<\/span><\/span>first dinner at home after the excitement of the wedding and\u00a0<\/span><\/span>Sheva<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/span>Brachot<\/span><\/span>\u00a0(the first week after the marriage there are nightly feasts for the bride and groom) \u2013 he never showed up for it. Nor did he bother to even inform me that he would not be attending. I just cried the entire evening until he finally waltzed in the door after 10PM, while I was on my way to bed.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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\u00a0<\/p>\n

After years of this, suddenly<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/span>one day\u00a0<\/span><\/span>everything changed. When I called for him, he was at the door: \u201cWhat do you need, honey?\u201d He informed me of his comings and goings, he got a better temporary job after years of unemployment and was actually excelling there, with the potential of actually getting hired, and much more.\u00a0<\/span><\/span>For the first time EVER<\/span><\/span>, we<\/span><\/span>\u00a0were a happily married couple.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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\u00a0<\/p>\n

Then, just a few weeks later, everything went back to normal<\/span><\/span>, and he was fired from the temp position<\/span><\/span>.\u00a0<\/span><\/span>It<\/span><\/span>\u00a0left me reeling; what on earth was going on?!\u00a0<\/span><\/span>I had<\/span><\/span>\u00a0had<\/span><\/span>\u00a0so much hope!\u00a0<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Hashem had mercy on me, and revealed the answer. He got a virus on his computer, and being a computer whiz,\u00a0<\/span><\/span>with his permission,\u00a0<\/span><\/span>I went to cleaning up<\/span><\/span>\u00a0his computer<\/span><\/span>. As I was backing up his hard drive, suddenly, I found it \u2013 loads of Internet porn<\/span><\/span>ography<\/span><\/span>. On the computer, and on the Jump drive I was using to back up his files.\u00a0<\/span><\/span>I searched further.\u00a0<\/span><\/span>I had been supporting us solely \u2013 where was whatever crumbs of income that he made going? Internet porn memberships, along with sporting events that I didn\u2019t know about. That led me to check his email \u2013 which sent me running out the door of the house with torrents of tears running down my face.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0He wasn\u2019t alone; he was in a\u00a0<\/span><\/span>pornography\u00a0<\/span><\/span>ring, along with his brother.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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\u00a0<\/p>\n

My body is shaking as I write about it twelve years later, even with my new life surrounding me. My entire life came crashing down around me. The lies, the excuses, the basic foundations of trust in marriage imploding inside me. I couldn\u2019t be in that house\u00a0<\/span><\/span>for one more second\u00a0<\/span><\/span>\u2013 but where to go? I drove to a far Starbucks outside of the\u00a0<\/span><\/span>small Jewish\u00a0<\/span><\/span>community, ordered a kosher chamomile tea, and called Rabbi Brody<\/span><\/span>\u00a0from a back corner<\/span><\/span>. I could hardly get the words out, I was sobbing so hard.\u00a0<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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\u00a0<\/p>\n

Rabbi Brody listened, and then responded, \u201cUntil now, I couldn\u2019t figure out why all the marital advice I had been giving you wasn\u2019t helping. Rabbi\u00a0<\/span><\/span>Arush\u2019s<\/span><\/span>\u00a0advice is tried and tested, and has saved thousands of marriages! Now I understand.\u00a0<\/span><\/span>Unless<\/span><\/span>\u00a0the porn goes away, nothing is ever going to help<\/span><\/span>, because all of his energy and focus is going to the porn, not your marriage<\/span><\/span>.\u201d<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

In the aftermath, I discovered that\u00a0<\/span><\/span>my ex<\/span><\/span>\u00a0had made a New Year\u2019s resolution to get clean. Those were the glorious weeks of marital bliss we had. When he crashed back into it, he crashed hard\u2026 and got a\u00a0<\/span><\/span>computer\u00a0<\/span><\/span>virus to boot.\u00a0<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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\u00a0<\/p>\n

I thank Hashem for those weeks, because when some of the local Rabbis tried to convince me that I should live with him and the porn and not divorce – after all, it\u2019s an unfortunate but common problem, they quipped –\u00a0<\/span><\/span>I knew I just couldn\u2019t listen to them. I had\u00a0<\/span><\/span>tasted<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/span>the Heaven of\u00a0<\/span><\/span>real marriage for three short weeks \u2013\u00a0<\/span><\/span>I was no longer willing to put up with Hell<\/span><\/span>.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0I gave him a real chance to clean up his life before giving up, but my choice was clear as day<\/span><\/span>\u00a0right from the start<\/span><\/span>: <\/span><\/span>Either <\/span><\/span>me, or the porn.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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\u00a0<\/p>\n

The rest of the story is history, but the point is clear: Where there is porn, there is no marriage!\u00a0<\/span><\/span>Rabbi\u00a0<\/span><\/span>Arush<\/span><\/span>\u00a0has three exceptions to his no-divorce rule: Abuse, adultery, and addiction. Porn is potentially the most addictive thing on the planet. Moreover, it is adultery of the mind, which is actually worse than adultery of the body, because the mind, heart and soul\u00a0<\/span><\/span>are no longer<\/span><\/span>\u00a0married to the wife \u2013 but to the fantasies. In my case, and I believe in many cases, the total subordination of the mind to the addiction inevitably leads the husband into the abuse category as well to some degree or another, because\u00a0<\/span><\/span>the husband<\/span><\/span>\u00a0simply has no vessels to tolerate his real-life wife who inevitably has bad moods<\/span><\/span>\u00a0and needs<\/span><\/span>, besides normal expectations of her husband to be a partner in the marriage and building a life together.\u00a0<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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\u00a0<\/p>\n

The<\/span><\/span>\u00a0real<\/span><\/span>\u00a0truth is, where there is porn \u2013 there is no life.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0All of his energy went into the porn. I never understood until that night why he di<\/span><\/span>dn\u2019t really care about a career<\/span><\/span>. He just wanted to get through the hours, get through the job, and get back home (or wherever he went at night) \u2013 to the porn.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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\u00a0<\/p>\n

I hoped that the real threat of losing me would shake him enough to kick the habit<\/span><\/span>\u00a0for everyone\u2019s good<\/span><\/span>, but unfortunately, it didn\u2019t. Sadly, my understanding is that he never learned the lesson.\u00a0<\/span><\/span>Last I heard, he is living at home with his mom, and pushing grocery carts at the local supermarket for a job. It’s a waste of a life for someone who is smart with a college education.\u00a0<\/span><\/span>And that\u2019s just the career aspect\u2026\u00a0<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

I once heard from someone else the same story \u2013 he graduated from\u00a0<\/span><\/span>an Ivy\u202fLeague level university and soon after started wo<\/span><\/span>rking for large investment bank<\/span><\/span>\u00a0on Wall Street. After\u00a0<\/span><\/span>a few\u00a0<\/span><\/span>years of indulging in this\u00a0<\/span><\/span>filth<\/span><\/span>\u00a0he<\/span><\/span>\u00a0was\u00a0<\/span><\/span>also\u00a0<\/span><\/span>living with\u00a0<\/span><\/span>his<\/span><\/span>\u00a0mother, collecting unemployment and waiting tables at a local event hall.\u00a0<\/span><\/span>He finally got a full time job five years later \u2013 after he quit the porn once and for all.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

It\u2019s like\u00a0<\/span><\/span>thos<\/span><\/span>e old commercials with the eggs in the frying pan:<\/span><\/span>\u00a0“<\/span><\/span>T<\/span><\/span>his is your brain on drugs…\u201d<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/span>This is your life on porn\u2026 There are no exceptions<\/span><\/span>.<\/span><\/span>\u202f<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Deep down, I still believe that my ex-husband was and is a good person.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/span>I appreciate these articles, because they helped me to forgive him on a new level. True, a person must know when to divorce, when they are the rare exception to the rule and a true tzaddik and Gadol B’Torah<\/em> recommends for them to do so. But they helped me to understand that what he did\u00a0<\/span><\/span>to me\u00a0<\/span><\/span>wasn\u2019t\u00a0<\/span><\/span>him,\u00a0<\/span><\/span>wasn\u2019t his essence \u2013 just a\u00a0<\/span><\/span>consequence of his addiction. He might not have even actively chosen that first time or two, and certainly if he knew what it was going to do to him and his life, he would have run for his life! By the time I knew him, he didn\u2019t even remember what real life was anymore to want it\u2026\u00a0<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u201c<\/span><\/span>A<\/span><\/span>\u00a0real<\/span><\/span>\u00a0shame<\/span><\/span>\u201d<\/span><\/span>\u00a0isn’t good enough – we’re talking about a\u00a0<\/span><\/span>Yiddishe<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/span>neshama<\/span><\/span>…<\/span><\/span>\u00a0a holy Jewish soul, stuck in the gutter.\u00a0<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

If these words encourage you to strengthen yourself in holiness\u00a0<\/span><\/span>in<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/span>even\u00a0<\/span><\/span>the tiniest amount, it should also be a merit for him, and every one like him, to get out of the gutter, once and for all.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When I read the articles by David ben\u00a0Horin\u00a0(Jungle Warfare) and Rachel\u00a0 Avrahami\u00a0 (The War of Google and\u00a0MaGoogle), I knew that I just had to throw in my two cents.\u00a0After all, I lived this.\u00a0 \u00a0 When I married my ex-husband, there were a few clues that he was into dirty stuff, but I had no clue … Continue reading “Tough Love”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":62109,"featured_media":4915094,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_joinchat":[],"footnotes":""},"categories":[83792,15178],"tags":[20024,16460,19846],"author_post":[14496],"new_serie":[86767],"class_list":["post-1089153","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-holiness-for-men-and-women","category-marital-harmony","tag-addiction","tag-shalom-bayit","tag-personal-holiness","author_post-batya-rosen","new_serie-fight-the-good-fight"],"acf":{"intro_text":"

Rabbi Arush\u2019s advice on marriage always works if it is applied correctly. But <\/span>where<\/span> there is porn, there is no marriage!<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n","special_content_in_the_post":"none","meta_title":"Tough Love Marriage When to Divorce","meta_description":"Rabbi Arush\u2019s advice on marriage always works if it is applied correctly. But where there is porn, there is no marriage!","landing_form":false,"paragraph_first":"","paragraph_second":"","youtube":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1089153","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/62109"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1089153"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1089153\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4915109,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1089153\/revisions\/4915109"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4915094"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1089153"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1089153"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1089153"},{"taxonomy":"author_post","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/author_post?post=1089153"},{"taxonomy":"new_serie","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/new_serie?post=1089153"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}