{"id":1076015,"date":"2020-07-08T18:27:10","date_gmt":"2020-07-08T18:27:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/%d7%9c%d7%9c%d7%90-%d7%a7%d7%98%d7%92%d7%95%d7%a8%d7%99%d7%94\/dont-settle-for-less\/"},"modified":"2023-05-02T10:35:02","modified_gmt":"2023-05-02T10:35:02","slug":"dont-settle-for-less","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/1076015\/","title":{"rendered":"Don\u2019t Settle for Less"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Continued from\u00a0<\/span><\/span>Part 1 \u2013 Is He Good Enough?<\/span><\/span><\/a>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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Now, we need to deal with\u00a0<\/span><\/span>your comment<\/span><\/span>:<\/span><\/span>\u00a0“<\/span><\/span>H<\/span><\/span>e is not perfect, but he is good enough.” On good character traits – we don’t compromise! Personality quirks – yes, but not\u00a0<\/span><\/span>character traits (<\/span><\/span>middot<\/span><\/span>)<\/span><\/span>.\u00a0<\/span><\/span>Whatever you’re seeing while dating someone – you’re seeing the best of them. After marriage – you see the worst!<\/span><\/span>\u202f<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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For instance, a guy with an anger problem – if he can’t handle the restaurant taking too long to serve the food, what about his wife, in the privacy of his home? Magnify his anger times 100, and tell me if you want to be on the receiving end of that.\u00a0 <\/span><\/span>
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If the guy is a dictator, and wants everything his way – how is he going to deal when his kids touch things without permission or worse? Or his wife has her own opinion?<\/span><\/span>\u00a0These\u00a0<\/span><\/span>bad character traits<\/span><\/span>\u00a0ruin\u00a0<\/span><\/span>a<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/span>marriage. A woman cannot, and should not, live with them!<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I also saw this while dating.\u00a0<\/span><\/span>I said no to a number of guys because of personality issues, generally discovered while doing research and before I actually went out with the guy.\u00a0<\/span><\/span>The craziest real story of all of them – before I moved to Israel, one guy even flew to my local Rabbi to try to force him to force me to date him, because HIS RABBI said we should date! I had already said no, because my research\u00a0<\/span><\/span>contact<\/span><\/span>\u00a0said, “He likes having things his way…”\u202f<\/span><\/span>If that\u2019s\u00a0<\/span><\/span>the best that his reference could say, you know it\u2019s 100 times worse in real life.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/span>My local Rabbi said to this guy, \u201cWhat do you think, you can stick her on a hand truck and wheel her to the\u00a0<\/span><\/span>chuppah<\/span><\/span>\u00a0because your Rabbi says so?!\u201d<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Remember this rule from Rabbi Avigdor Miller\u00a0<\/span><\/span>zt”l<\/span><\/span>\u00a0– you have to amplify everything someone says when doing research.\u00a0<\/span><\/span>People always want to put the prospective spouse in the best possible light. If they say something not good – it means\u00a0<\/span><\/span>it\u2019s 60% or more worse than how they say it<\/span><\/span>!\u00a0<\/span><\/span>After all, they feel a responsibility telling you\u2026\u00a0<\/span><\/span>And if they are totally\u00a0<\/span><\/span>neutral<\/span><\/span>, yeah, he’s a nice guy… run! If they are over the top excited<\/span><\/span>\u00a0about how amazing he is<\/span><\/span>, so then subtract 60% of the excitement, and maybe there is something left to look into.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0Obviously this rule runs for guys looking at a prospective wife too!<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Another example. When<\/span><\/span>\u00a0I\u00a0<\/span><\/span>dated\u00a0<\/span><\/span>my husband, I saw that he was ALWAYS late. I mean, who shows up 40 minutes late to a date? He was lucky I hadn’t given up already<\/span><\/span>\u00a0and gone home<\/span><\/span>! The one and only time he was ever on time\u00a0<\/span><\/span>in almost 10 years\u00a0<\/span><\/span>was the first date. So, as I prepared to get engaged, it was a real question! On this, my amazing advisor the\u00a0<\/span><\/span>Melitzer<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/span>Rebbetzin<\/span><\/span>,<\/span><\/span>\u00a0she should live and be well<\/span><\/span>,<\/span><\/span>\u00a0said – “It’s your choice. Can you handle it?”\u00a0<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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On this I could choose, because it is a real weakness, but it is a\u00a0<\/span><\/span>personality\u00a0<\/span><\/span>quirk, not an inherent, absolute, 100% always a problem. I tell you – I would have thought even harder if I knew how\u00a0<\/span><\/span>difficult<\/span><\/span>\u00a0this lack of schedule and timing was and how it would influence our life together! But still I would make the same choice – because he is a good guy, with a good heart, with good\u00a0<\/span><\/span>character traits<\/span><\/span>, who is holy and guards his holiness, and prays to be better every day.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0Very flawed, drives me INSANE \u2013 but\u00a0<\/span><\/span>nevertheless good.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Second, you need to check yourself extremely carefully to make sure that you are not compromising on yourself, for whatever reason. Maybe you think you don\u2019t deserve better, or that you don\u2019t think you\u2019ll find better. Again \u2013 on character traits, we don\u2019t compromise! Every woman deserves an amazing, holy, good man who will be good to her.\u00a0<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Remember my iron-clad rule \u2013<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/span>you don\u2019t want to get married. You want to get married to the\u00a0<\/span><\/span>right one<\/span><\/span>. Marrying because you want to get married, you can manage with this one, compromising on YOURSELF \u2013 only means\u00a0<\/span><\/span>a\u00a0<\/span><\/span>marriage which is hell. And I mean worse\u00a0<\/span><\/span>h<\/span><\/span>ell than Hell itself!\u00a0<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Unimaginable pain and suffering, which often ends in divorce, which is more like the real Hell only because now the unending suffering is much worse, but at least it will be over eventually\u2026 that is, if you don\u2019t have kids. Repeat to yourself over and over \u2013 I don\u2019t want that!\u00a0<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I don\u2019t want to give in on the slightest iota of what I deserve as an incredible, holy woman and daughter of G-d! I want marriage that is Heaven on Earth<\/span><\/span>, with a man who also wants to serve Hashem, be holy, have holy children, and have emuna!<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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One last note – give\u00a0<\/span><\/span>The Garden of Emuna<\/span><\/span><\/a>\u00a0and\u00a0<\/span><\/span>The Garden of Peace<\/span><\/span><\/a>\u00a0to this guy! It is an\u00a0<\/span><\/span>amazing creep-<\/span><\/span>weeder<\/span><\/span>, and it works 100%.\u00a0<\/span><\/span>You only want a guy who loves those books, and is learning and working on them!\u00a0<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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This is how it works:\u00a0<\/span><\/span>Rabbi\u00a0<\/span><\/span>Arush<\/span><\/span>\u00a0said that he asked Hashem to help him understand why some men love\u00a0<\/span><\/span>The Garden of Peace,<\/span><\/span>\u00a0while others refuse to continue past the first chapter<\/span><\/span>\u00a0or give one of a million excuses why it doesn\u2019t apply to them<\/span><\/span>. The answer he understood was that\u00a0<\/span><\/span>people who have some holiness in them, recognize the holiness in the books, and are drawn to it. But\u00a0<\/span><\/span>the men sunk in sexual lust don\u2019t want to read anything that tells them that they have to change their ways\u2026<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Need I tell you that sexual lust is fertile breeding ground for all bad character traits? Besides, lust means that the guy is a taker. He is only interested in his own pleasure. Can you expect such a guy to see past external beauty or appreciate his wife\u2019s personality? He only wants something between a mannequin and a fantasy\u2026\u00a0<\/span><\/span>Absolutely repulsive, really.\u00a0<\/span><\/span>Someone with personal holiness\u00a0<\/span><\/span>is a giver, because real love is GIVING.\u00a0<\/span><\/span>I<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/span>personally experienced this\u00a0<\/span><\/span>on both sides and I won\u2019t go into details but being married to a taker is, I repeat, absolute Hell on earth.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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So, b<\/span><\/span>uy the books all together, for you and him. Tell him that you are reading your books, and these are his. You want a successful, happy marriage – which means that you need to learn how to do that. What, you need lessons to drive a car, but to get married, you’re supposed to know automatically? To succeed in anything, you need to learn the ropes! All the more so, the most important thing you’ll ever do in life – get married and build a Jewish home! So, you want him to read his books too, and tell you what he thinks.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Then, pray, pray and pray some more for guidance and signs from Hashem, and read your books – and\u00a0<\/span><\/span>let\u2019s see what he does<\/span><\/span>. G-d willing, everything will get clarified quickly!<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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Continued in Part 3\u00a0<\/span><\/span>Will He Change?<\/span><\/span><\/a>\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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***<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Rachel Avrahami grew up in Los Angeles, CA, USA in a far off valley where she was one of only a handful of Jews in a public high school of thousands. She found Hashem in the urban jungle of university. Rachel was privileged to read one of the first copies of\u00a0<\/span><\/span>The Garden of Emuna<\/span><\/span><\/a>\u00a0in English, and the rest, as they say, is history. She made Aliyah and immediately began working at\u00a0<\/span><\/span>Breslev<\/span><\/span>\u00a0Israel.\u00a0<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/span>
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Rachel is now the Editor of\u00a0<\/span><\/span>Breslev<\/span><\/span>\u00a0Israel’s English website. She welcomes questions, comments, articles, and personal stories to her email:\u00a0<\/span><\/span>rachel.avrahami@breslev.co.il<\/span><\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Continued from\u00a0Part 1 \u2013 Is He Good Enough?\u00a0 \u00a0 Now, we need to deal with\u00a0your comment:\u00a0“He is not perfect, but he is good enough.” On good character traits – we don’t compromise! Personality quirks – yes, but not\u00a0character traits (middot).\u00a0Whatever you’re seeing while dating someone – you’re seeing the best of them. After marriage – … Continue reading “Don\u2019t Settle for Less”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":62109,"featured_media":1076016,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_joinchat":[],"footnotes":""},"categories":[83766],"tags":[16369,16457,64971],"author_post":[15478],"new_serie":[],"class_list":["post-1076015","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dating","tag-emuna","tag-jewish-date","tag-soulmates","author_post-rachel-avrahami"],"acf":{"intro_text":"

How do you know when compromise is necessary to find a spouse, and when to never settle for less? Plus, an important fool proof trick to see if he\u2019s the real deal\u2026<\/p>\n","special_content_in_the_post":"none","meta_title":"Don\u2019t Settle for Less","meta_description":"How do you know when compromise is necessary to find a spouse, and when to never settle for less? Plus, an fool proof trick to see if he\u2019s the real deal\u2026","paragraph_first":"","paragraph_second":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1076015","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/62109"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1076015"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1076015\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1076016"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1076015"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1076015"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1076015"},{"taxonomy":"author_post","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/author_post?post=1076015"},{"taxonomy":"new_serie","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/breslev.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/new_serie?post=1076015"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}