they sing me love songs

Grounding Box

breadforsong — Sun, 02 Mar 2014 22:44:33 GMT

OK, so my day-to-day mental health is getting better thanks to CBT and meditation, but I need more "emergency self-help", if that makes sense? Like there will still be days when I have panic attacks, the flashbacks to trauma is becoming more frequent than it has ever been, and when I read about making a "grounding box" on tumblr I thought it might be something that could help me. So today I went out and bought this box as my start point.

I'm not super arty or anything, so I got a box that looked pretty but didn't bother decorating or personalising it. I just wrote this message to myself inside the lid so it would be the first thing I saw when I opened the box:

This is the contents of my box. I tried to get things that would appeal to all my senses:

The idea is that when you're panicking, having flashbacks, feeling sad or anxious, thinking you might self-harm or worse, you open the box, look through it, pick out a few things to do. I've put a lot of easy access things in it, as well as a lot of ideas for bigger things that might calm me down.

I bought my favourite chocolate truffles (bojangles dark chocolate truffles, they're basically ganache covered in cocoa, super rich so I will only eat one at a time, the ultimate indulgence) and posh chamomile tea from teapigs. I will swear by the anxiety-relieving benefits of chamomile tea, I basically live off the stuff at work, and I can physically feel it calm me. It's like the anti-caffeine.

I bought a reporter's notebook, 5 pencils with a rubber and sharpener (to scribble and erase with) and two felt tip markers. I wanted a red one, really, because it's one of my self-harm remedies - to draw in red ink where I want to cut/scratch/pick/bite. But it came in a pack with a black one and I thought that would be useful.

Plasticine appeals to my sense of touch. At work I play with blu tack ALL THE TIME, but it gets sticky and gross after a while, whereas plasticine is made to be fiddled and modeled with. It's super fun and appeals to the child in me (as does the super primary school style pencils, pencil sharpener and rubber).

This is a mini bubble bath with a really citrus-y smell that reminds me of my parents. Hot baths are super soothing, and though they're not the most helpful when I'm panicking (because having nothing to distract me but bubbles when I'm in my own head doesn't help), I think it will appeal to my sense of smell and maybe in less severe situations it could help.

The instructions suggest soothing music and most of the music I love doesn't soothe me because it tends to mean something emotionally to me. But worship music is totally calming to me, and several tracks on here are go-to tracks when I'm anxious. Also it's not like it needs to be in my CD cupboard in my new house as there's no way I could play it in a room with Amy and Ollie.

You can see in this photo that the box is lined with a cloth... that's a muslin square. One of my worst kept secrets is that I still sleep with a comfort blanket, which is just a square of muslin like you use to clean up baby sick, but the more you wash it the softer it gets and I bought one to line my box because it’s super comforting.

I have been writing helpful stuff in my notepad, though most of it I will leave blank so I can use it to write in emergencies.

I've included a few poems from my most soothing book of poetry, Soul Food (an anthology by Neil Astley). It's mainly spiritual/buddhist poetry, and this is a Mary Oliver one which is the most soothing and reassuring poem I know. I've also included God says yes to me by Kaylin Haught and God Speaks to each of us by Rilke. They sound super religious but I think they're the kind of spiritual I most need when I'm upset - self-affirming, forgiving spirituality.

I also wrote a tonne of self-care lists. Lists of films, songs, things to read, tv shows, things to search on pinterest to make myself happy. They are super easy to access in my brain now I'm happy but I know I've had times in the last week where I wouldn't have been able to think of them so it feels safe to have them written down. Here is a list of really simple things that can calm my anxiety (sorry, it's blurry and I can't be bothered to retake it).

I've also got Amy to leave me a message in it (which I haven't read yet) and I'm going to get Ollie to do the same, and anyone else who visits and wants to. All in all I'm pretty happy with how it turned out, and though I hope I don't need to access it any time soon, I'm glad to have it.

Makeup Routine

breadforsong — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 18:35:55 GMT

This is something I've wanted to talk about for a time and I just felt like ~producing~ something, so I took photos as I did my makeup today. I wear makeup almost every day, if I'm leaving the house anyway, but I vary it quite a bit... if I'm lazy I might just use a bit of concealer and some powder, and I almost always do my eye makeup differently. However this is a bit of a composite of most of my looks.

I thought I'd show you what I'm dealing with so last night I took some makeup-free photos. They're horrible because I'm going to show you what is probably the thing I am most insecure about physically:

I have really bad Rosacea on my cheeks. It's basically where your skin has broken down so you can see all the blood capillaries under the surface - a lot of people are born with it, but my parents think I developed this when I had slapped cheek syndrome as a baby and my skin never recovered. I really hate it... it's not like a cute rosy english rose glow, or a kind of general redness of skin that might get worse if you're cold or blushing... it's permanently there, and it looks more like a rash or infectious disease to me. Without makeup, people often ask me if I'm ill when they notice it - I can never fully hide it no matter how much makeup I wear, but I can conceal it a lot. It's the reason I almost never leave the house without any makeup - I am really conscious of it, and if anyone ever mentions it I start to feel really insecure. Bleh. Anyway that means that I wear quite a lot of foundation.

I moisturise every morning and evening. My skin is really dry and also sensitive... I use body shop moisturiser mainly, normally in the winter (when my skin's driest) the Vitamin E stuff and in the summer the Aloe Vera stuff, though at the moment I'm using the end of my Sanctuary Covent Garden gift set in the morning as the moisturiser has a bit of a glow to it that looks nice under makeup.

My first makeup step is anti-redness concealer. I use one from Natural Collection:

It's a pale green, really creamy like a crayon. I wear it every day and tend to go through a tube every 3 weeks. I put it on thick on just my cheeks and if I plan to put foundation over the top I will hardly blend at all:

If I'm only wearing powder I'll blend it a little bit like this:

After that I apply my foundation. I use Rimmel Wake me Up foundation. I used to use 100 Ivory, but last time they were out of that and I bought 103 True Ivory instead. The latter is darker but less orange, and I can't decide which I like more. What I really like about them is that they're really good at covering darkness under your eyes, which I have a lot of, and they give your skin a lovely glow. It's good coverage but also really blendable:

I mix my foundation with another anti-redness primer. Loads of people recommend the Loreal green primer, but the No7 one is cheaper so I'm sticking with that for now:

It's very thin and I wouldn't ever wear it without foundation because it makes you look sickly and green... I have to be careful not to use too much with my foundation! I use about a pump and a half of foundation and a tiny blob of the primer and mix them together. I apply with two brushes:

They're both from body shop. I use the one on the right to mix and apply foundation and then blend it with the one on the right. I'm unusual because I always apply my foundation to my cheeks first rather than starting in the middle, and I tend to apply evenly all over then dab any excess onto my cheeks. I've been using brushes for foundation since I was 17, and switching to that from using my fingers has halved the number of breakouts I have, so I really recommend brushes.

I end up looking really pale after all that foundation, but my complexion is so rosy that I like to readjust the colour of my cheeks with a pink blusher. I like cream ones best with this foundation:

This is a No 7 Blush Tint in 15 - Blossom. Sometimes I just apply lipstick straight to my cheeks (particularly a Maybelline colorsensational lipstick in 132 - Sweet pink). I draw a line along my cheek bones and blend, focusing on the apple of my cheeks.

Next my eyebrows. I can't read anything on my eyebrow pencil so I can't tell you what it is or where it's from. I'm not very good at eyebrows, sometimes they go a bit wrong. At the moment I'm growing them out a bit because I want to work out where to pluck them again... some days I only colour in the tips but this is the whole thing:

I'm not much of a lippie girl - my upper lip is almost non-existant, and I can't be bothered reapplying lipstick. However I end up getting so much foundation on my mouth I always have to put colour back into my lips. Chubby Stick is my new best friend because it glides on so easily and it's really hard to go wrong, and it is lipbalm and lip colour in one:

This is Clinique Chubby Stick 10 - Bountiful Blush. My other lop favourites are lipmarkers: I have a load of those, such as Max Factor Lipfinity or Colorsensational Lipmarker, and sometimes I'll wear them either on their own or under a lipstick. Almost all my lipsticks are Maybelline, though I have one Revlon one that Rachel recommended in bright red.

I'm more likely to use liquid eyeliner if I have a dark brow on. I have a cheap as chips liquid eyeliner - Fast Stroke from Collection 2000. It's easier to apply than any others and lasts a long time so I don't see why I'd spend any more:

I'm pretty good at liquid eyeliner unless I've had a drink, so if my eyeliner's gone wrong you know why. I change mascaras every time U buy one but at the moment it's Rimmel Volume Flash:

I have loads of eyeshadows that I've got for birthdays and christmases that I might use from time to time, but the only eyeshadow I ever buy myself is Urban Decay. I know I can trust them to be pigmented, go on well, not to fall out everywhere, work wet or dry, and have the best colours. I have a Vol II book of shadows that's my eyemakeup staple. I tend to use Sellout as a base whatever I do:

And then use other colours to highlight or compliment my outfit or whatever I want. Today I'm using mushroom just in the crease of my eye to add depth:

I only use a highlight when I'm going out in the evening but I'm off to Lyrical Ballads at the birdcage tonight so yeah. My highlighter is High Beam by Benefit because it's obviously the best thing out there:

I apply it in a whisker shape on my cheeks, just under my brows and a little bit on my chin:

And then obviously I blend it.

Here's the finished article:

I hope that was interesting! I really love it whenever you guys talk about your beauty routines so I hope I'm not the only one, anyway.

breadforsong — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 22:07:25 GMT

Friends Cut

I unfriended a few people who are no longer active or I feel like I haven't clicked with. If you'd like to be re-added, please feel free to comment.

breadforsong — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 19:01:24 GMT

Dismantle. Repair.
An Affirmation Mixtape.
[donwload entire zip here]
This playlist is quite personal to me, it's meant to be a playlist of encouragement. I'm Christian, and often encouragement for me comes from my faith - as such, there are a couple of religious songs here. Songs that are clearly about Faith are marked with a †. All files are mp3 - download separately or as one zip. Let me know about broken links etc.

A-Side: Dismantle.
"Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood." ~ Marie Curie
"He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has." ~Epictetus

01. Dismantle. Repair. - Anberlin [download]
The night was young, and so were we,
talked about life, God, death and your family,
didn't want any promises - just my undivided honesty,
and you say "oh, who-ah, things are gonna change now for the better."
Before you can repair yourself, you have to pull yourself fully apart, examine each part, see it for what it is - no more, no less.

02. Amazing Again - Matt Nathanson [download]
And all the wan, hip, full-lipped lovers...
they're locked against one another
and I waiver, uncomfortable in my skin.
I'm glad I have someone who's willing to put up with me when I'm at my worst, because sometimes it feels like I'm so hopeless, and he's there to let me know I'm not.

03. Unwell - Matchbox Twenty [download]
It makes me think there must be something wrong with me,
out of all the hours thinking somehow, I've lost my mind.
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell,
I know right now you can't tell
But stay a while and, baby, then you'll see a different side of me.
It feels to me like no one wants to put up with me when I'm insecure and unhappy; it feels like the whole world is against me unless I can smile for it.

04. Mean - Taylor Swift [download]
Some day I'll be living in a big ol' city,
and all you're ever gonna be is mean.
The worst thing is, no matter how hard you work to build yourself up, there's always someone to pull you back down.

05. Beautiful - Glee Cast [download]
Every day is so wonderful,
then suddenly it's hard to breathe.
Now and then I get insecure from all the pain,
I'm so ashamed.
I like this song because it helps me remember I'm not the only one who feels like this. I like the Glee version better than Christina's for this purpose - it's the Glee thing of being united and together that I'm going for.

06. The Resolution - Jack's Mannequin [download]
I'm alive, I don't need a witness
to know that I've survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
I just need light
I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution.
The thing that gets me about this song is that it talks about overcoming difficulties like it's an endless struggle in the dark - there is no easy 'resolution', but things might be a little easier if we just could see what we were doing.

07. Have You Got Heart - Luke Leighfield [download]
Have you got heart? Have you got soul?
have you got anything at all?
Do you know passion? Do you know pain?
Have you got the courage to try again?
It's not just me I hate sometimes, it's everything about my life. I feel like I've lost purpose. This song helps me because it keeps me struggling on, it makes me feel like I am strong enough to do it just because I care, it's a real thing for me, and I'm not a fake.

08. Vindicated - Dashboard Confessional [download]
Hope dangles on a string like slow-spinning redemption,
winding in and winding out, the shine of it has caught my eye,
and roped me in, so mesmerising, so hypnotising, I am captivated,
I am vindicated, I am selfish, I am wrong,
I am right, I swear I'm right, swear I knew it all along,
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well,
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.
I know I'm not perfect, but I am getting better. And I'm beginning to believe in myself, and I'm beginning to believe I can make up for the person I used to be.

09. Watch The Sky - Something Corporate [download]
I will crawl;
There's things that are worth giving up I know,
But I won't let this get me, I will fight,
you live the life you're given.
You just have to keep fighting, no matter how hard things get.

B-Side: Repair.
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us." ~Helen Keller
"Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars." ~Henry Van Dyke

01. Who I am hates who I've been - Relient K [download]
I heard the reverberating footsteps,
syncing up with the beating of my heart,
and I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart.
Now I want to say goodbye to the old broken self and embrace the new.

02. Rain King - Counting Crows [download]
Mama, mama, mama, why am I so alone?
I can't go outside, I'm scared I might not make it home.
Well I'm alive, I'm alive, but I'm sinking in,
if there's anyone at home at your place, darling, why don't you invite me in?
You deserve better. You will find the place you belong. When I am unhappy or alone, these are the things I have to learn to believe.

03. I am - Michael Tolcher [download]
One of these days, I'll catch up to my convictions,
One of these days, I'll be more than just man,
One of these days, I'll be stronger than addictions,
I am, really, sometimes. I am.
You can't get it right all the time. You can just trust that you will get better at it, slowly. Hold on to the times you do things right. If you've done it once, you can do it again. And then you can always do it.

04. Mirror - Barlowgirl † [download]
Mirror, mirror on the wall: have I got it?
'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am.
I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect,
So sorry you won't define me,
Sorry you don't own me
This song says to me that God made me, and He knows what he's doing. So I can't be all that bad.

05. Firework - Katy Perry [download]
You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
We all have the potential to be so amazing.

06. 32 Flavors - Ani DiFranco [download]
I am a poster girl with no poster,
I am 32 flavors and then some.
If someone's making trouble for you, you're better than them. Don't let anyone stop you from being who you are.

07. Bring it On - Alistair Griffin [download]
Turn it up, turn it on,
tell the world they've got it wrong,
'cause my friend, it won't be long...
so bring it on.
No matter what hard times come your way, you can deal with them. They won't last. You can beat them.

08. Welcome Home (you) - Brian Littrell †[download]
"Welcome home you! I know you by name,
How do you do? I shine because of you today,
So come and sit down! Tell me how you are!
I know, son, it's good just to see your face."
Just writing those lyrics made me happy. At the end of this struggle, there is Someone who is proud of you, who loves you exactly as you are, who will always be there for you. For me, that is the greatest comfort.

09. Things Will Go My Way - The Calling [download]
So take my hand, and don't let me surrender
'Cause I know some day, in time,
Things will go my way.
I wanted to finish the playlist on an optimistic note. Sometimes, all it takes to make the future good is for you to believe it will be.

breadforsong — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 10:30:06 GMT

I made another mixtape. It's got a very different, far more consistent sound this one, because it's all music for the piano, and even more, it's practically all /depressing/ music for the piano. The piano is my favourite instrument, after all. So I picked all my favourite piano rock songs, and a couple of others, and then put them together in an order that worked, lyrically and musically. It sounds really good... but if you don't like the piano, well, stay away.

The problem is of course that unlike with the weather mix, no band will do just one songs with a piano in - if they play the piano, it'll feature in a lot of their songs. So I picked my favourites. If this mix were proportional to my taste, there would be a gzbillion more Andrew McMahon songs, but whatcha gonna do.

LISTEN HERE

Hammers&&Strings
(a fanmix for the piano)

Feeling Lonely:

Hammers and Strings (A Lullaby) - Jack's Mannequin
these hammers and strings been followin' me around,
from a box-filled garage, to the dark punk rock clubs of one thousand american towns

Breathe Me - Sia
ouch, i have lost myself again
lost myself and i am nowhere to be found

Raining in Baltimore - Counting Crows
i need a phonecall,
i need a raincoat

Superman - Five for Fighting
i'm more than some pretty face beside a train,
and it's not easy to be me.

Moving On

Bright Lights - Matchbox Twenty

baby baby baby when all your love is gone,
who will save me from all i'm up against out in this world?

Boston - Augustana
i think i need a sunrise,
i'm tired of the sunset.

Falling Down - Ben Jelen
the simple truth is i'm falling falling down
and i don't wanna drag her through the bottom

The Hill - Marketa Irglova
and i'm letting myself down
by satisfying you.

Silent All These Years - Tori Amos
years go by,
will i choke on my tears till finally there's nothing left?

Intermission:

L'Absente - Yann Tiersen
for the journey.

Feeling Loved:

Globes & Maps - Something Corporate

and globes and maps are all around me now
i want to feel you breathe me.

Out of my League - Stephen Speaks
'cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
but i'd rather be here than on land.

Samson - Regina Spektor
you are my sweetest downfall,
i loved you first.

Angel - Sarah McLachlan
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there.

The End:

Now Comes the Night - Rob Thomas
let us hold to each other
until the end of our days

How To Save A Life - The Fray
i would have stayed up with you all night
had i known how to save a life

For A Dancer - Jackson Browne
no matter how close to yours another's steps have grown
in the end there is one dance you'll do alone

We're So Far Way - Mae
we reached for the stars,
everything was now ours

Bonus Track:

Piano Man - Billy Joelbecause you cannot have a mix about the piano without this legendary song.