Private Dancer
Before I dive into the meaty topic of this post, I need to school you all out there in the Rants Army® about me, Rants. Fact is, I am an inveterate people-watcher. I’m That Guy who is amused, disgusted, but always entertained by people while I sit waiting for my flight in an airport. Keep this fact firmly in mind. Start now.
So knowing that I people watch, you also will know (if you’re an aficionado) that the real joy of people watching as a sport happens inside your own head as you make up stories about those you observe. “I think that’s a Lindsay Lohan wannabe… unless she twerks, which means she’s a Cyrusite.” Alternately, “He’s walking funny from an old war wound… compounded by the intense anal pounding he received last night from his pitcher boyfriend.” Even one-word thoughts: “Stoner” (followed rapidly by: “Lucky fuck”). Shit like that, you know? Keep this concept in mind.
The third key idea is something you’ll know if you’re a long-time Rants Army® follower. That idea is simply the that Murphy loves to karma my sorry ass in royal fashion. If something can be fucked up about a situation, it’s a lock that I’m nipples deep in it. Freak-tastic shit only happens in my blast radius and stops here, splattered all over me like volcanic bowel residue blown from the anus of a bean and broccoli lover.
Now we’ll transition to the punchline of the post. I disembarked the lovely Metro bus one day to hump up the hill to my house and swill a beer or two before I went into coma mode. Comas are required if you wake up at 4AM just to get your shit into one sock for work, but I digress. As I strode up the sidewalk, I noted an elderly man hobble along on a perpendicular route with a cane. As I watched, said gentleman (wearing de rigeur tan chinos and a plaid cotton duck shirt) dropped his cane and started swinging around the next stop sign. He resembled a stripper warming up (so I’m told) to the point that I thought, “Holy fuck, he’s taking pole dancing lessons and practicing!”
I cruised by and he said, “Hi.” I summoned my most surly look and answered, “Howyadoin’?” Homeslice kept swinging around that steel pole like a boss the whole time.
I walked on, and my people watcher brain kicked in. This old dude, an elderly man of Asian heritage (no offense, but he was elderly because he had gray hair visible), barely made it to the stop sign pole but dropped his cane and whipped out a whirling, swinging routine that… well, I’m told he’d be pretty good. Of course, my people watcher brain node couldn’t let it go. We shall examine the process in detail.
Here’s the series of thoughts I had:
“He’s doing stretching for his fucked up back and hips… no, that makes no sense… so what does?”
“Oh, I know! He’s secretly wanted to strip in a huge, big-cover-charge strip joint in Vegas! Yeah, that’s it.”
“…”
“Oh wait! Even better! He emigrated here believing he could someday do this! Yes.”
“Homeboy also wants to have a sex change so he can be a Real Stripper.”
“Ooops, farted…”
“He’s saving now from his WalMart job… implants aren’t cheap if you do them right (I’ve been told).”
“I bet this guy wants all that, and to headline under the name, ‘Chynna Doll’ and make fat stacks in tucked bills. That is his fucking dream.”
Yes, this is how I decided that an average elderly citizen could secretly want a sex change so that he could strip under the moniker ‘Chynna Doll’ and be rich. Happy Fucking Halloween and welcome to the horror of the inside of my head. By the way, this story is true.
BrainRants 
October 31, 2014 at 05:50
Well, that’s something you don’t see everyday….I guess. Happy Halloween, Rants.
October 31, 2014 at 07:06
It’s random for certain.
October 31, 2014 at 06:56
Elderly Asian pole dancers?? I want to live where you do.
October 31, 2014 at 07:08
It’s quite the melting pot… and apparently it’s stirred often.
October 31, 2014 at 07:54
Boom! For sure. Definite brain explosion and the best part is the randomness. Who gets to see stuff like that? On their way home, not looking for it?! Fabulous!
October 31, 2014 at 07:57
Welcome to my life, AR. This shit happens to me all the time.
October 31, 2014 at 09:16
I just don’t know what to think about humanity anymore.
October 31, 2014 at 10:50
I know.
October 31, 2014 at 09:32
Holler-Ring started already there. Certainly a scene to howl about
October 31, 2014 at 10:50
Awesome.
October 31, 2014 at 09:53
My mind went to flying Ninja training. I need to people watch more.
October 31, 2014 at 10:51
Yes you do.
October 31, 2014 at 11:42
Well, my people-watching is boring as hell. Next time I’m people-watching, I shall think to myself…What would Rants make of that person? If it’s any good, I’ll let you know.
October 31, 2014 at 11:44
Could be dangerous, but good luck.
October 31, 2014 at 14:19
Rants, were you in more than three TBI incidents? Normally each thought is processed after a brief moment of sanity. The fart interjection, which is a cranial misfire, could be a symptom of the rewiring caused by TBI. Don’t go to the VA, they’ll put you on the do not call list. Just drink more beer and watch more TV and everything will even out over time. Good observations though. Probably from all that Army training.
October 31, 2014 at 14:44
I think my brain was hosed long before any TBI incidents, but I’ll follow your advice nonetheless.
October 31, 2014 at 18:31
[…] to the very verbose Rants for the […]
October 31, 2014 at 18:48
Thanks for the link!
October 31, 2014 at 22:56
I enjoyed reading your rants and looking around your blog.
November 1, 2014 at 07:11
Come by any time.
October 31, 2014 at 23:24
People point out shit like this all around me and ask how I could NOT see it. I respond by saying it is my sanity’s last line of defense.
Glad if you enjoyed seeing that?
November 1, 2014 at 07:12
I think that makes sense, actually.
November 1, 2014 at 21:35
Oh, you’re seriously disturbed. I’m proud of you.
In Canada, our ‘ones’ are coins, so we just slip them in the slot, or so I’m told. 😉 😕
November 2, 2014 at 08:34
It’s also kinda cold up there to go stripping… or so I’m told.
November 6, 2014 at 14:35
sounds like you live in the same place as me!
November 6, 2014 at 15:11
No, but closer than some.
November 12, 2014 at 11:39
Haha I like your people watching brain! Wish I could have seen the ole stripper himself!
November 12, 2014 at 14:03
I suspect you’d regret it if you had.
January 8, 2015 at 15:40
How did I miss this? Among the hundreds of posts in my e-mail? I don’t know – I usually start first with anything that displays your name (get your mind out of the gutter – I just enjoy your posts buddy! – I am NOT stalking you!).
My idea why an elderly Asian gent would be swinging around a stop sign – he was trying to stretch out his shoulder joint after using his cane, hahahhaaha!
January 8, 2015 at 16:09
Well, at least you found it now. Better late than never.