Yellow Snow
I think it was Archon who gave us the gentle yet dead-blow hammer reminder lately to not eat yellow snow. Maybe it was Frosty the SnowMan… or both. Later on, Erickson demonstrated why, though that excursion might have been due to lack of meds, asshattery, or both.
I’m not opposed to pissing in snow, or for John Snow knowing nothing… other than being pissed on by his life. Because George R. R. Martin. Poor fictional bastard… John Snow, not G.R.R.M, BTW. I wish I wrote like him, but sadly I do not. Anyway…
This Ranty® screed is about pissing, and more specifically, pissing outside. Why do I have to bitch about this? Other than the fucking fact that my entire blog is about Ranting® on everything? Gotcha there, didn’t I? On to the point…
As much as I want the fucking Canadians to keep their arctic, ball-shriveling weather to themselves, those overly-polite bastards are still ruining their chance at being the 51st state by deluging my house with subzero fucking air. Dammit. Needless to say, this oversharing has caused solid-form water to precipitate out of the air over us. This means snow. Snow means I get the ass.
I get the ass because I drink a lot of fucking beer. Follow me here, I know – it’s convoluted. Anyway, snow happens all over the damn place here, coating the Earth like some frozen, icy money-shot. I have to go and scrape off ice and God-spoo from my sidewalks and that means piles of the white shit up against my house. Against my house in one very particular place.
The spot I’m talking about happens to be perfectly sheltered from visual contact (i.e.,you can’t fucking see it) when the sun is down. This means, especially in winter, that I can piss there freely when outside. I am outside – even in Canadian ball-shriveling cold – to do two major functions:
1. Smoke a cigarette, because it’s less painful on my broke knees to go outside and have my balls retreat up to my heart than totter down to the basement.
2. Grill dead animal flesh. Beer consumption happens during this ritual, which generates urine, albeit watered-down urine.
In the end, I have business outside and no place to… deposit it. My conundrum – to tie back to the opening – is yellow snow. I cannot let fly with my better-than-rainbow-unicorn-piss stream and color the snow piles against my house because someone – maybe a lowly Private, or perhaps our Three-Star-General – might happen to be walking past my digs and see the huge yellow stain on my house. Too huge, I’d add, to write off as some passerby who just couldn’t bear to punch his own junk and make the pee pee tide recede.
The good news is, there’s a solution…
Drink tons more beer. Your piss comes out white as my own untanned ass and therefore will not show up on new snow. Or old snow, for that matter.
Problem solved.
BrainRants 
January 4, 2014 at 07:34
Frank Zappa’s mind….blown!
January 4, 2014 at 09:04
Hell yeah.
January 4, 2014 at 07:47
Or you could shovel the snow to some other place…
January 4, 2014 at 09:05
I suppose, but there’s snow there already, so…
January 4, 2014 at 18:19
Pee in the house then?
January 4, 2014 at 18:56
Road sand. Salt. Melty snow.
January 4, 2014 at 18:56
Okay. Well, I tried.
January 4, 2014 at 21:01
I actually do appreciate it.
January 4, 2014 at 21:01
Review the ‘sand, salt, snow’ reply.
January 5, 2014 at 08:23
That sounds like work.
January 5, 2014 at 08:38
It is, but easier than mopping the floor, so there’s that.
January 5, 2014 at 08:43
Indeed.
January 5, 2014 at 08:45
🙂
January 4, 2014 at 08:13
I like your solution. Sorry for the ball-busting Canadian air. Sorry sorry sorry. We like to apologize up here, as our testicles shrivel in the next gust of wind. I don’t even know how we breed, but statistics show that we get our Canadian women pregnant during the winter over any other season.
Our simple solution to pissing in the snow is to drink only Canadian beer, made from the finest glacial waters. It might taste a little like piss, but it comes out looking like gold.
January 4, 2014 at 09:07
I’ve concluded that the same technique using American beer works as well.
January 4, 2014 at 09:57
I just loved that this has a happy ending.
January 4, 2014 at 10:20
Happy endings are a choice, I’ve found.
January 4, 2014 at 10:03
HA! Important information for beach goers/ or sailboats.
Alls well that ends well.
January 4, 2014 at 10:21
Possibly. Nobody gets angry if you pee in the ocean.
January 4, 2014 at 12:08
But moms get so upset about little kids and the sand…which is odd – they don’t keep an eye on that dog of theirs….
January 4, 2014 at 12:13
Very true.
January 4, 2014 at 10:07
What a long and convoluted way to say you’re too lazy to hold it and walk inside to pee. We don’t have that problem here…it’s been 75 degrees or higher for the past two weeks. 😉
January 4, 2014 at 10:22
You Californians kinda suck. I’m not lazy – I don’t like tracking snow, sand and salt all over my house. Therefore, a little effort saves a lot of mopping.
January 4, 2014 at 11:03
We do suck!!! If by suck you mean stay tan year round!
January 4, 2014 at 12:03
The 365-Tan falls into that, yes.
January 4, 2014 at 10:26
75??? I think I hate you.
Can I move in?
January 4, 2014 at 11:02
Sure guap!!! I could use a nanny!
January 4, 2014 at 10:25
“frozen, icy money-shot”.
Not sure I’ll ever go outside when it’s snowing again.
January 4, 2014 at 12:01
Avoidance works for me, too.
January 4, 2014 at 11:39
“God-spoo”. That is all.
January 4, 2014 at 12:03
Cutting straight to the issue as always, Weebs.
January 4, 2014 at 12:05
I’m so glad this polite Canadian could send a little of our frigid weather your way – it will make you appreciate whatever your winter weather usually is much more! Not sure this would have been my solution to this problem – I might have thought of making sure there was some type of container available outside as a receptacle for said urine. If this receptacle got full before the snow melted, it could easily be transported back into the domicile & dumped into a toilet or judiciously sprinkled around in far lesser quantities over a greater area. But of course these are the solutions of a polite Canadian.
January 4, 2014 at 12:12
Not a bad idea, actually. I’m just not into frozen bricks of piss.
January 4, 2014 at 12:22
Bricks might be a more convenient method of dealing with piss than lugging buckets with sloppy liquid.
January 4, 2014 at 13:31
Possibly. What about explaining the round, yellow lawn art until shit here thaws?
January 4, 2014 at 14:03
You could always say it is lawn art with food coloring!
January 4, 2014 at 18:53
Yes! A little blue and it’s a green plant stand! While the freeze you sent is on…
January 4, 2014 at 13:56
Reason 1,298,074 to drink more beer. Highs are going to be 10 below zero, starting Monday. Off to the store now to buy more…you guessed it!
January 4, 2014 at 18:50
Beer!
January 4, 2014 at 19:03
Yep…and wine ..and fourloko. All set.
January 4, 2014 at 21:01
Bacon.
January 4, 2014 at 21:43
Shit, I knew I forgot something…too late now.
January 5, 2014 at 08:40
This is why you stockpile it.
January 5, 2014 at 08:59
Duly noted and always remembered.
January 5, 2014 at 11:34
🙂
January 4, 2014 at 17:37
What’s wrong with a guy marking his territory? Doesn’t everybody? Just get that pale ass to a beach and you can get it tanned and make yellow sand, instead.
January 4, 2014 at 18:55
I mark the shit outta mine. And, my ass is officially un-tannable.
January 5, 2014 at 01:04
You are like Shakespeare. “God-spoo” Making words for just the right moment.
January 5, 2014 at 08:40
Because my mastery of English is tenuous at best.
January 5, 2014 at 20:48
I wouldn’t mention yellow snow, ’cause I’ve got couth. Musta was that Frosty guy. Fifteen less beer, and youlda been sure. 😉
January 5, 2014 at 21:42
Fifteen is just getting started…
January 6, 2014 at 18:07
If it gets any more frigid, you might be out there pissing ice cycles!
January 6, 2014 at 21:53
Freaking no kidding! I’m afraid to whip it out in this weather.