If a can of Monster™ energy became self-aware and you gave it a camera and $40M, it would make Torque. “Ridiculous” doesn’t come CLOSE to adequately describing this movie. It’s a parody of a 2004 action movie,
Torque is an 84-minute Nü-metal music video. It opens with a street race of supercars a la The Fast and the Furious, when suddenly, the cars are overtaken and absolutely STUNTED on by a wheelie-popping crotch-rocket that passes them so fast that the…
“Just because you’re gay doesn't mean you can’t shoot straight.” - First line of the film.
Billy Dee is waiting in line with every other miserable person at the bank, when someone holds the bank up, he pulls out his own gun and blasts the dude in the lobby. Then he hits on the hostage. That about sums up the tone of Deadly Illusion
Billy Dee is is Hamberger. He’s a private eye who’s hired to murder a dude’s wife,…
“We are not here to talk about me, Vanessa. We are here to talk about you, so get your fuckin pants down and tell me how your father used to fuck you in the mouth!”
If you didn’t know this was a Little Red Riding Hood analogue, the intro credits sure reinforce it with a hammer. Kiefer’s name is “Wolverton” too, lmao.
Reese Witherspoon is Vanessa, our trashy version of Little Red Riding Hood, except she’s… illiterate? She’s introduced in…
Japanese greasers? Aliens? AND Zombies? Wild Zero has it all. Luckily, we have the rock band Guitar Wolf to save the day with their… superpowers?
The band leader can throw charged-up guitar picks like he’s Gambit, and the villain is a dude with a fuckass bob and the TEENIEST booty shorts.
25% of this was, like, the most amazing movie ever. I just wish it sustained that madness a little longer, but those last 10 minutes were wild. The rockabilly punk rock music absolutely rips, too.
I swear HALF of the budget was spent on fake sugar glass.
My new favorite sub-genre of vanity films is the hero who constantly gets their ass kicked. Not once but TWICE a scene ends after our hero, Miles Long, gets the shit beat out of him and he’s thrown down the side of a mountain. He’s beaten nearly to death half a dozen times!
You know who the big villain is instantly because he’s wearing socks with sandals AND slacks.
