My 750th review on Letterboxd.

To celebrate this momentous occasion, I thought I'd review the sequel to Meat Weed Madness, a film I watched during my 1000th movie challenge.

A step-by-step guide to viewing Meat Weed America:

1. Bring snacks. Despite being only eighty minutes long, Meat Weed America feels a lot longer.

2. To make sure you are able to watch the entirety of Meat Weed America without nodding off due to the boredom, using the Ludivico Technique could be advised.

3. Don't even start watching if the following offends you: blatant islamophobia (including tone deaf 9/11 jokes), homophobia (a sign that says "peace is for faggots" is shown a few times), sexism (all female characters gratuitously get naked for no reason and are generally raped), ableism (an elderly disabled character is mocked and treated like shit), and transphobia (a man dressed as a woman is used for crude laughs and sexually degraded).

4. Pray the Lord protects you from what you are about to witness. Alternatively, sell your soul to the devil.

5. Press play.

6. Be greeted instantly with the director's penis which is fully seen onscreen within two seconds. This film is "produced, written, edited, and directed, with additional filming, prop construction, and costume supervision by Aiden Dillard". Remember that name. He is responsible for all you are to witness. Also, ignore the penis and remember the face as the most obnoxious director cameo in history recurs later on (under the credit "Aidz Dildo"). He just shouts, flails around, and does some sex stuff. At least he enjoyed himself.

7. Smile, thinking this is the only penis you'll see in the film and at least it's over with. Ignorance is bliss.

8. Realise you still don't know what Meat Weed is and that the film will likely not explain it. Just assume it's a highly valued concept as there's even a song about it over the titles and it's frequently screamed by the female characters during sex.

9. Turn the volume down. This may seem counterintuitive as the audio is so poor you can hardly hear the dialogue, but a quieter movie provides two benefits. Firstly, low quality audio sounds worse when loud, and secondly the dialogue is even worse than the audio quality.

10. Realise just how poorly made everything is. The plot makes no sense. The editing cuts far too often. The acting is uniformly wooden. The music is inappropriate. The effects look terrible. The framing always seems off. 

11. Realise you are only five minutes in and the only plot point of significance so far involves smoking someone's foreskin. Said character does not have a real penis anyway (it's a stick of dynamite). At this point, you lose the ability to coherently question the plot holes.

12. Put on reading glasses, as some characters speak so incoherently the film provides you with subtitles.

13. Take glasses off again when you realise the subtitles are unreadable as they are in green and often over a green background.

14. Begin questioning your life choices as your witness one character puke up green paint and another be anally raped by corn.

15. Daydream of food as you watch a sausage spray out strawberry sauce. Then snap back to reality when you realise that you're watching an incredibly fake looking penis be graphically mutilated.

16. Develop your ear for languages as a man with a generic euro-accent enters the cast. Guess where his character is meant to be from as his accent wanders from country to country the more he speaks. Is he meant to be German? French? Polish?

17. Witness an action low point when a snake fights the characters in the lamest possible way. Try not to smirk at shots where it is obviously a sock puppet.

18. Begin your brainwashing when it is declared that you should "worship three things only: Jesus, America, Meat Weed". At this point you have lost so much any religion seems worthwhile.

19. Question the sanity of those involved when a bull-man has consensual sex with a nun and gives her AIDS, which is spelt "aidz" in the subtitles translating the bull-man's grunts.

20. Witness an entire body disappear into a mass of organs just by being hit a few times with an axe. Be similarly impressed at the magical appearance of a tube that allows the killers to drink the now AIDS infested blood of the woman they spontaneously decided to butcher.

21. Be blown away by the brazen lack of quality in a scene where a lesbian titty-fucks a giant lit joint that never decreases in size before it spews purple pus onto her mouth and breasts (unconfirmed, but the pus may contain AIDS). The lesbian is then pregnant and gives birth a few minutes later to a baby which crawls inside another woman's vagina and is re-birthed as an adult.

22. Consider how lame your name is compared to those in Meat Weed America. Names like Lord Meat Weed, Dude, Dukey Weed, Bullpucky, Mary Juana, and Bin Smokin are way more imaginative than normal names. Also revel in the subtle racism of Abu-Doo-Doo being the Dude's "terrorist" name.

23. Laugh at irony when one character shouts "this is art!" This is a rare moment of joy within the film, use it wisely.

24. Cheer at a cameo from the man in a knife costume who returns from the previous film. Seeing something you recognise might slowly revive your dying brain. 

25. Watch aghast as an actor wearing a giant purple cow head (which covers everything except their limbs) is given a turban and taught how to be a terrorist by learning to pray like a Muslim. Question your own morals in watching something this fucked up and subsequently enjoying writing an ironic review about it.

26. Let nature amaze you as almost every woman in the film is able to lactate and alway produces an extraordinary amount of milk.

27. Let nature subsequently disgust you when a woman makes her bull-human child eat the placenta out of her which results in him performing cunnilingus on her.

28. Be surprised at the low standards of the slutty terrorist characters who decide a man wearing a turban is enough of a terrorist to deserve a blowjob.

29. Prepare for the third act action scenes, where the shots and editing ensure you miss all the action. Still, you don't miss out on seeing the weapons clearly not hit the people they kill and the hands which are pouring cups of red liquid over wounded characters to pretend they are bleeding.

30. Get to the end, having successfully gnawed off only one limb to get through the torture.

Meat Weed America is an improvement over the first film, but I thoroughly do not recommend it. It's offensive, lazy, poorly made, tacky, and vile. Avoid.